Things that make you go hmmm? The general humor thread.

[Candleshoe]

I made the mistake of playing the tennis game while on hold on the phone, and got so engrossed and was giggling so much that I had to hang up. If I'd actually got through, they would have heard me shouting "Oh, slow down, I can't click that fast" and having hysterics. Not altogether professional I thought...

I will be playing it next time I need cheering up instead

[Hers Always]

I found this joke on jibjab.com. i thought it was fairly amusing


Two women were out for a Saturday stroll. One had a Doberman pinscher and the other had a Chihuahua. As they sauntered down the street, the one with the Doberman said to her friend, "Let's go over to that bar and get something to drink."

The lady with the Chihuahua said, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us."

The one with the Doberman said, "Just follow my lead." They walked over to the bar and the one with the Doberman put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk in. The bouncer at the door said, "Sorry, Lady, no pets allowed."

The woman with the Doberman said, "You don't understand. This is my Seeing-Eye dog." The bouncer said, "A Doberman pinscher?" The woman said,
"Yes, they're using them now. They're very good."

The bouncer said, "OK, come on in."

The lady with the Chihuahua figured convincing him a Chihuahua was a Seeing-Eye dog may be too far fetched, but thought "What the heck", so she put on her dark glasses and started to walk in.

Once again the bouncer said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed."

The woman said, "You don't understand. This is my Seeing-Eye dog." The bouncer said, "A Chihuahua?"

The woman with the Chihuahua said, "A Chihuahua? They gave me a f---ing Chihuahua???!!"

[justin]

Her Always: That's brilliant

[justin]

The planet Earth can be a messy and dangerous place. I mean there's a constant danger of being eaten by lions or having flys go in the pot of milk you're boiling, or birds flying in your apartment and making a ruckus. Let's not get started on things like tornadoes, earthquakes and vulcanoes.

So, I'm sure you'll agree, mother nature needs to be taught a lesson. And what better way than a quick act of Geocide?

I've found a site which explains some ways you might try going about this. We could make it into a competition

How to destroy the Earth

Preamble

Destroying the Earth is harder than you may have been led to believe.

You've seen the action movies where the bad guy threatens to destroy the Earth. You've heard people on the news claiming that the next nuclear war or cutting down rainforests or persisting in releasing hideous quantities of pollution into the atmosphere threatens to end the world.

Fools.

The Earth is built to last. It is a 4,550,000,000-year-old, 5,973,600,000,000,000,000,000-tonne ball of iron. It has taken more devastating asteroid hits in its lifetime than you've had hot dinners, and lo, it still orbits merrily. So my first piece of advice to you, dear would-be Earth-destroyer, is: do NOT think this will be easy.

This is not a guide for wusses whose aim is merely to wipe out humanity. I (Sam Hughes) can in no way guarantee the complete extinction of the human race via any of these methods, real or imaginary. Humanity is wily and resourceful, and many of the methods outlined below will take many years to even become available, let alone implement, by which time mankind may well have spread to other planets; indeed, other star systems. If total human genocide is your ultimate goal, you are reading the wrong document. There are far more efficient ways of doing this, many which are available and feasible RIGHT NOW. Nor is this a guide for those wanting to annihilate everything from single-celled life upwards, render Earth uninhabitable or simply conquer it. These are trivial goals in comparison.

This is a guide for those who do not want the Earth to be there anymore.

Have fun

[FineyMcFine]

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Academy Announces Ban on Bad Lesbian Movies

HOLLYWOOD, CA - The Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences announced this week it has officially banned bad lesbian film production. To insure compliance with the ban, stringent new rules for production were put into immediate effect.

Named the Claire of the Moon Act, the rules are in response to ongoing dismay at the horrendous lack of quality in lesbian film. “We had to do something, it’s gone on long enough,” said Academy board member Brooke Lewis. “Our organization’s purpose is to advocate and nurture the art and science of film-making. Lesbian movies rarely qualify as either.”

Never before has the film industry attempted to regulate the creative process for a specific genre. While some expressed concern about creative censorship, most are hailing the move as a victory for lesbian audiences everywhere. The Directors Guild, American Film Institute, Screen Actors Guild, and Concerned Lesbians for Watch-able Movies all voiced support for the Academy’s decision.

Included in the new restrictions for production:

1) All principle actors must be legitimate, working actors. No writer, director or producer may cast their girlfriends, best friends, fellow softball team members or ex-college roommates, unless they are already card-carrying SAG members. Extremely attractive candidates culled from casting calls must also meet the criteria. Merely being “hot” in the eyes of the producer will not automatically qualify an actor for a speaking role. (See: “Moira Addendum.”)

2) Scripts containing lengthy, pointless speeches or moody, philosophical voice overs will be returned for rewrite. Scripts will also be rejected if at any time, the reviewer experiences cringing, laughing (except in the case of clearly marked comedies), headache, nausea or a numbing in the extremities.

3) A committee of peers will be formed to review secondary aspects of production. The new rules prohibit, among other things: utilizing friends and crew as background, substituting the producer’s basement for a women’s bar, and letting an actor wear the same shirt for the entire length of the film.

4) Cinematographers may no longer employ footage of running water - i.e., rain drops, lapping waves, slowly falling tears - to establish mood. Close-ups of flowers will be prohibited under any circumstances. Characters gazing pensively out to sea will be strongly discouraged.

5) Sex scenes may not consist entirely of random, unrecognizable body parts, fists grasping sheets, and hair tossing. Facial expressions that resemble constipation more than orgasm will be deemed unacceptable.

One member of the Concerned Lesbians for Watch-able Movies commented, “We all feel a certain obligation to support our sisters in the arts. And we’ve proven we’ll pay to sit through pretty much anything. But I’d like to see acting that rises above that of a trained Labradoodle.”

Within 24 hours of the Academy’s announcement, its impact was being felt. Production has already halted on Love Fish, The Cat Sitter, Forever Hold Your Peace, and Comfortable Shoes.

[justin]

The latest issue of User Friendly made me

Click me

[Candleshoe]

Rules we would have stressed to our children if we had thought more carefully:

DON'T
...bring it home just because you found it on your paper-round
...put cheese toasties in the video-cassette recorder
...put your brother's head through the window
...treat hand-washing as merely a symbolic act
...play football in the lounge
...see if the cooker's hot with your finger
...borrow clothes without asking
...use talcum powder to recreate a snow effect
...attempt haircuts
...stick the heads back on garden flowers with sellotape
...go to the toilet out of the window
...steal my money to buy my birthday present
...stand behind your brother when he's lifting the up-and-over garage door
...stand behind your brother when he's practicing his golf swing
...stand behind your brother
...throw stones at the window to wake your parents when you've forgotten your key
...steal Council litter bins

[Auburn]

...see if the cooker's hot with your finger
...use talcum powder to recreate a snow effect
...attempt haircuts
...stick the heads back on garden flowers with sellotape
...stand behind your brother
...steal Council litter bins

These don't ring true for me at all.

Very funny, Miss Shoe.

I thought this was funny.

I couldn't stop laughing at my mum's story of what her friend did on the coach to spain.

Apparently my mum was sat beside her friend on the coach when she saw her friend pulling apart her sandwich. My mum asked her what she was doing and her friend turned to her and said. "I have forgotten my sandwiches, I wrapped the breadcakes in tinfoil and brought them instead."

If packing a plain breadcake without filling isn't bad enough, my mum's friend had already eaten two of them before she realised what she had done. She said she just thought her sandwiches were a bit dry.

I know it doesn't seem very funny, but I cried with laughter. What a stupid thing to do!

[oneyedchicklet]

This made me smile and laugh out loud.

Thongs

HUGS
Barb

[FineyMcFine]

This made me laugh:

The Natural Life Cycle of Mailing Lists (I think this could be applied to the kittenboard too, affectionately - I think we're at stage 6B)

THE NATURAL LIFE CYCLE OF MAILING LISTS ("LISTSERVS")

Every listserv seems to go through the same cycle:

1. Initial enthusiasm
a) people introduce themselves
b) they gush a lot about how wonderful it is to find kindred souls

2. Evangelism
a) people moan about how few folks are posting to the list
b) they brainstorm recruitment strategies

3. Growth
a) more and more people join
b) more and more lengthy threads develop
c) occasional off-topic threads pop up

4. Community
a) lots of threads, some more relevant than others
b) lots of information and advice is exchanged
c) experts help other experts as well as less experienced colleagues
d) friendships develop
e) people tease each other
f) newcomers are welcomed with generosity and patience
g) everyone (newbie and expert alike) feels comfortable asking
questions, suggesting answers, and sharing opinions)

5. Discomfort with diversity
a) the number of messages increases dramatically
b) not every thread is fascinating to every reader
c) people start complaining about the "signal-to-noise ratio"
d) person 1 threatens to quit if *other* people don't limit discussion
to his/her pet topic
e) person 2 agrees with person 1
f) person 3 tells 1 & 2 to lighten up
g) more bandwidth is wasted complaining about off-topic threads than
is used for the threads themselves
h) everyone gets annoyed

Then, EITHER...

6A. Smug complacency and stagnation
a) the purists flame everyone who asks an 'old' question or responds
with humor to a serious post
b) newbies are rebuffed
c) traffic drops to a doze-producing level of a few minor issues
d) all interesting discussions happen by private email and are limited
to a few participants
e) the purists spend lots of time self-righteously congratulating each
other on keeping off-topic threads off the list

OR...

6B. Maturity
a) a few people quit in a huff
b) the rest of the participants stay near stage 4, with stage 5 popping
up briefly every few weeks
c) many people wear out their second or third 'delete' key, but the
list lives contentedly ever after

[Thianne]

The woman with the Chihuahua said, "A Chihuahua? They gave me a f---ing Chihuahua???!!"

!!!!

ETA: ok, hear this:

what does a 60kg pigeon do on a branch?

......

CIOOOOP, CIOOOOP, CIOOOOP!!!

!!! ok, so it's silly and old....but it never ceases to amuse me

[justin]

Sally, I think thaty definitely falls under the heading of "Funny because it's true"

[mudrat]

OK, so I have no idea who wrote this... if I did, I'd credit them and send them lashings of chocolate. My brother sent this to me at Christmas a couple of years ago, and it still cracks me up every time I read it. Forgive me if you've already seen it.

**Note - Be sure to read carefully. There are no typos in this (well, none of mine, anyway) - it's written exactly as it should read. I was still picking out different things that made me laugh after I'd read it a dozen times.



Holiday Fruitcake Recipe

You will need the following: A cup of water, a cup of sugar, four large brown eggs, two cups of dried fruit, a teaspoon of salt, a cup of brown sugar, lemon juice, nuts, and a bottle of whiskey.

Sample the whiskey and check for quality.

Take a large bowl. Check the whiskey again. To be sure it is the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink. Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer, beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar and beat again.

Make sure the whiskey is still okay. Cry another tup. Turn off the mixer. Beat two leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Mix on the turner. If the fired druit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry it loose with a drewscriver.

Sample the whiskey and check for tonsisticity. Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something. Who cares? Check the whiskey. Now sift the lemon uice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Spoon. Of sugar. Or something. Whatever you find.

Grease the oven. Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees. Don't forget to beat off the turner. Throw the bowl out of the window. Check the whiskey again and go to bed.

[Tarababy77]

Did you kittens see this from google? I just found this.

http://moon.google.com/

=)

[skittles]

Aaron,

I like what happens when you go to the closest zoom setting... to get the best "ground detail"

[Willow Watcher]

WHO HAS THE LARGEST WEENIE?

Three third graders, an Irish kid, an Italian kid
and a Hillbilly kid are in the playground at
recess. One of them suggests that they play a
new game.

"Let's see who has the largest weenie," he says.
"Okay." They all agree.

The Italian kid pulls down his zipper and whips
it out.

"That's nothing," says the Irish kid.
He whips his out and his is at least an inch
longer.

Not to be outdone, the Hillbilly kid whips
his out. It is by far the biggest.

That night, eating dinner at home, the Hillbilly
kid's mother asks him what he did at school
today. "Oh, we worked on a science project,
had a math test and read out loud from a new
book ... and during recess, my friends and
I played 'Let's see who has the largest weenie.'"

"What kind of game is that, honey?" asks the mother.

"Well, me, Anthony and Patrick each pulled out our weenies ,
and I had the biggest! The other kids say its because I'm a Hillbilly. Is That true, Mom?"

The Mom replied, "No, Honey. It's because
you're twenty-three ."


A joke sent to me by my friend Spellbound (or ICE here on TKB)

[DelWhicker]

Vader Sessions

Darth Vader's lines replaced by various lines from James Earl Jones' movies.

[Hers Always]

http://www.scrolllock.nl/home.cfm

push the button. it's really cute.

[Stormforce]

Just found this....hopefully it hasn't been posted before...if it has, sorry ^_^

Horror Movie Survial Guide.

If the house you're living in tells you to "GO AWAY", do so immediately.

Never take a bath or shower with a maniac/spirit/demon/creature in the house.

When it appears that you have killed the maniac/spirit/demon/creature, DO NOT check to see if he/she/it is really dead. Keep hacking at it until it is in pieces small enough not to be a threat to you. If you've shot at it, shoot it again in the head, and remember, shoot till it stops moving, and then keep shooting till you're out of ammo. Then reload and shoot it some more. Then set it on fire and burn it up, this works with everything except demons and spirits. Then get the hell out of there!

If plumbing fixtures or other structures in your home begin shaking and spewing body fluids, it's time to leave.

Never read aloud from a book that summons demons. Even as a joke.

Don't look under the bed.

Do not search the basement, especially if the power has just gone out.

If trees, TVs, or other objects try to consume your children, save as many as you can and then get the hell out of the area.

If relatives or pets come back from the dead, don't approach them and ask "What did you come back to do?"

If inanimate objects such as dolls, toys, or furniture attack you, be prudent, leave the area.

If you've hidden from the maniac/spirit/demon/creature and you are not found, do not peek from or decide it's safe to leave your hiding place. If you do decide to leave, scan the ground for twigs before you take a step.

Never believe that your companion has truly become "dispossessed."

It is very, very dangerous to back into, or through rooms.

If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language which they do not know, or if they speak to you using a voice which is other than their own, shoot them immediately. It will save you a lot of grief in the long run. (Note: It will probably take several rounds of gunfire to incapacitate them, so be prepared.)

When you have the benefit of numbers, never, ever, pair off, or go in alone. The more people the maniac/spirit/demon/creature is distracted by, the better "your" chance of escape.

Never get into a car without first checking the back seat for occupants.

If demons begin possessing your companions, it's a good idea to leave the area as soon, and as quickly as possible.

If your companions start turning up dead, make yourself scarce before someone else does it for you. Worry about funerals later.

If you've just finished running over the maniac/spirit/demon/creature in your car, keep going. Most certainly do not get out of the car under any circumstances to see if he/she/it is "really" dead.

As a general rule, don't try to solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.

Don't fall asleep if you have a history of homicidal/suicidal nightmares.

Never stand in, on, above, below, beside, or near a grave, tomb, crypt, mausoleum, etc.

Never stand in, on, above, below, beside or near a window, especially those that appear that they would break easily.

If you find something that appears to be alive that you cannot identify, don't pick it up or touch it, with anything.

If you're searching for something which caused a noise and find out that it's just the cat, leave the room immediately or else you will quickly die.

If someone is in the water and starts screaming and is pulled under, Don't go after them or peek over the edge of the shore "to see what's wrong." If you are in a boat, head for shore.

If appliances start operating by themselves, you are in danger.

Do not accept/take anything from the dead.

If priests won't or can't enter your home, start looking for a new home.

If you discover the place you are visiting is known for its history of mass murders, deaths, freak accidents, or supernatural occurrences, leave.

If you wake up from a particularly horrific dream and find yourself still alive, you probably aren't awake yet.

If you find a town which looks deserted, it is probably deserted for a damn good reason. Take the hint and stay away.

Don't play with ouija boards. If you do and the ouija board starts moving by itself, stop playing and leave.

If supernatural beings start calling your name, leave the area immediately.

Never pick up a hitchhiker or stop to aid a suspicious person, especially if he/she/it resembles Santa Claus or Satan.

Don't fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you're really sure you know what you are doing.

Make sure that your weapon is really loaded before you try to use it.

If your space ship gets a alien distress signal from what appears to be a dead planet, don't stop to check it out.

Never put your back to or lean on a door.

Never take the dare to spend a night in a haunted house.

Never speak to clowns in sewers.

Never accept gifts from strangers, especially if you suspect that they are really supernatural beings.

If you're running from the maniac/spirit/demon/creature, expect to trip and/or fall down at least twice, more if you are female. Do not turn to look back, if you do, you stand a good chance of tripping immediately and being killed. If you turn and look back, and you don't see the maniac/spirit/demon/creature chasing you, stop and run immediately back the way you came because the maniac/spirit/demon/creature is now in front of you.

If your companions exhibit uncharacteristic behavior such as hissing, biting, thirst for blood, howling, glowing eyes, unnatural hairiness, marked resemblance to demons, excretion of ectoplasm or other forms of gelatinous goo, flaming appendages, extra appendages, etc., get as far away from them as possible.

Listen closely to the soundtrack for hints on what is going on around you. Use all resources available, especially the audience, for on the average, they are much, much more intelligent than you could ever hope to be.

Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are listed here: Amityville, Elm Street, Crystal Lake, Transylvania, Nilbog (God help you if you recognize this one), Mydian, Questa Verde, the Bermuda Triangle, or any small town in Maine.

Beware of transvestite doctors that sing.

Avoid secluded mountain resorts, especially those which keep 'Redrum' in stock.

Beware of strangers bearing tools of destruction such as chainsaws, staple guns, chipper/shredders, weed poppers, combines, lawnmowers, knives, flamethrowers, band saws, crossbows, napalm, grenades, high-powered rifles, gophers wielding axes, laser pistols, or Alludium Q-36 explosive space modulators.

If you're going to shoot something, in the immortal words of Robert Ruark, african game hunter, "USE ENOUGH GUN."

If entering your craft you put your hand in a kind of sticky/slimy/resinous kind of substance that was not there before, turn and run immediately.

If you are in the Arctic and find an alien frozen in ice, don't touch it, don't thaw it out, leave it alone. The alien should be incinerated with thermite (or preferably a thermonuclear weapon), otherwise if it thaws out, it will kill you and every living thing on earth.

If you are alone in a house and something calls your name, leave the house immediately through whatever exit is in the opposite direction. If there is no exit, make one.

[NewRuthRising]

http://www.eviloverlord.com


Mwahahahahaha!

[FineyMcFine]

This was in one of those email forwards, my mom just sent it to me:

A friend of mine confused her Valium with her birth control pills. She had 14 kids, but she doesn't give a shit.

[JustSkipIt]

I found this in the LA Times Op Ed page but apparently it was in the Washing Post also:

Joel Stein: Elmo Is an Evildoer
The self-obsessed Sesame Street Muppet is destroying all that is holy on children's TV.
August 15, 2006

ELMO REFUSED to be interviewed for this column. I consider this to be a supreme act of cowardice. And it doesn't surprise me one bit. Elmo is an annoying tool.

Yes, I know that children love Elmo. But children are idiots. That's why we don't let them have jobs. Could you imagine an office full of children? They'd spend all day telling dumb jokes and talking about their poop. It would be like it was before women entered the workplace.

ADVERTISEMENT
Click here to find out more!
"Sesame Street" — which still has sharp, funny writing — is being destroyed by idiot cuteness. Not only is the patronizing, baby-talking Elmo usurping most of the hour, but "Sesame Street" — which debuted its 37th season Monday — added its first new female Muppet in 13 years: the sparkly haired, tutu-wearing, button-nosed, pink-skinned fairy goddaughter Abby Cadabby. Her shaky magic skills get her in situations she needs to get bailed out of, like the anti-"Bewitched."

Plus, she's got that creepy, throaty, little-girl Lindsay Lohan kind of voice, and a Paris Hilton-esque catchphrase: "That's so magic." When I watched "Sesame Street" in the '70s, the human cast and the Muppets were quirky adults who didn't talk down to me with baby voices. Now the human cast gets almost no airtime, and the show is dominated by Elmo, Baby Bear and, now, Abby Cadabby — preschoolers enamored by their own adorable stupidity.

The lesson they teach — in opposition to Oscar, Big Bird, Grover or Bert — is that bland neediness gets you stuff much more easily than character. We are breeding a nation of Anna Nicole Smiths.

I am not the only one who hates Elmo. Vernon Chatman and John Lee, the creators of MTV2's dark "Sesame Street" parody, "Wonder Showzen," think the evil red one is destroying the show.

"Elmo doesn't grow. People show him something and he laughs. He doesn't learn a lesson," says Lee. "It's the exact opposite of what old 'Sesame Street' used to do. Elmo has been learning the same lesson his whole life, which is that Elmo likes Elmo."

Chatman, who refers to Elmo as the Jar Jar Binks of "Sesame Street," worries that Elmo teaches kids to care only about themselves.

"Elmo is just a baby-voiced, self-obsessed character who is only concerned with Elmo," says Lee. "He just passively observes things: 'Elmo is looking at a sandwich. Elmo is eating a sandwich. Elmo is crapping out the sandwich and writing his name on the wall with it.' " The last celebrity to so obsessively refer to himself in the third person was Richard Nixon.

Whereas Count Von Count markets math and Oscar markets the acceptability of negative emotions, Elmo, brilliantly, just markets Elmo, leading him to be the show's cash cow, or whatever misshapen animal he's supposed to be.

I question not only Abby Cadabby but all of Elmo's associates. You may recall that Elmo testified before Congress about music education. But you may not remember who requested Elmo's appearance: Rep. Randy "Duke" Cunningham, now in jail for taking at least $2.4 million in bribes. I'm not implying that Elmo has taken dirty money, but these are the kind of people Elmo surrounds himself with.

I understand that "Sesame Street" has to compete in a Nickelodeon-Disney Channel-Wiggles-Pixar universe. In fact, the new episodes start with " 'Sesame Street' is brought to you by the following … " and then, instead of gently mocking consumerism by listing letters and numbers, they actually show real spots for McDonald's, Beaches resorts, Pampers and EverydayKidz.com — the last of which apparently helps children spell only if they want to be rappers.

I desperately don't want the show to go away, so I know they can't afford to run the "Elmo accidentally drank bleach and died" episode. Instead, they need to simply take Elmo and his buddies and give them their own hourlong show for the idiot spawn. Then put Luis, Gordon and the cool Muppets on their own half-hour "Classic Sesame" for the kids who will one day actually contribute to our society.

Whichever of the two shows you watched would serve as a convenient litmus test for the rest of your life. "Which 'Sesame Street' did you watch?" will be code on college applications, Internet dating and job applications. Blue and red states will be divided not by presidential choices, but by Grover and Elmo.

If we can't save all the kids, let's at least save the ones who can master speaking in first-person. The rest we'll use for reality TV stars.

[Foomatic]

Ever wonder what a sequel to Titanic would look like? Quite possibly, the most inventive vid I've seen.

Titanic Two the Surface

This movie trailer is so well put together that people actually thought it was legit. It's that good.

[NewRuthRising]

There's a road sign on the way to my grnadparents house that reads;

Bacon End
Banana Depot

[Ben Varkentine]

From The New Yorker: Seventy-Two Virgins, by Steve Martin.

http://www.newyorker.com/shouts/content ... uts_martin

You'll like No. 50 especially.

[kisstheviolets]

i love this:

http://img324.imageshack.us/img324/486/ ... 522ld4.gif

[bytrsuite]

Ha, that's awesome.

[tarawhipped]

My wife's boss sent her this, but I'm not sure where it came from:

Excerpts from a Dog's Diary:

8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!

9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!

9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!

10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!

12:00 pm - Lunch! My favorite thing!

1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!

3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!

5:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite thing!

7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!

8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!

11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!



Excerpts from a Cat's Diary:

Day 983 of my captivity.

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am. Bastards!

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released – and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.

The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicate with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe.

For now...

[maudmac]

That is excellent! Thanks. Soooo funny and that is exactly what I imagine going on in the heads of my dog and cats. I must share this.

[urnofosiris]

That´s hilarious and so so accurate