by kisstheviolets » Sun Jun 24, 2007 11:42 pm
we had the DTR talk tonight ("defining the relationship") and i can't really tell how i feel. the most prominent feeling is crappy, so this thread gets my post.
i shouldn't be the one feeling crappy. i went out with a girl today, someone i'd dated very casually and briefly forever ago and hadn't seen in about 7 years. so when my other girl called tonight (the one i spent a week with in key west and have been talking to almost daily since we got back from vacation) i mentioned the "date" to her. she got a little short with me and was asking in an "i'm trying to sound genuinely happy for you and interested in how it went" sort of way whether or not i had a good time. i guess i wanted her to be a little jealous. i mean, she has said she's gotten jealous just thinking about me being with someone else. so when i do go out with someone she's all happy? i told her nothing happened and she says "well you can do whatever you want. it's not like we're anything." i let that statement go, and she went out for drinks with her co-workers. i texted her and said "i know i can do whatever i want. and right now i want you." i then felt sick for a couple of hours.
so she called a bit ago when she got home and it was clear we had to have the talk. it wasn't bad. i mean, we're both on the same page, it just sucks. or it feels sucky. i don't know.
the main points:
* we currently live 2800 miles apart. while there are plans in the work for an unrelated relocation that would put me less than 300 miles away, the fact remains that for at least another month there will continue to be a sizable distance.
* this is an issue because she is newly out and really eager to meet women and date (we have a big age difference - 8 years - and i've been out more than half of her life). i don't know that i can hold her attention long enough for me to get out there. and even then, with a 300 mile distance, i won't see her enough to compete with all the chicks at her college who will smell the freshly out meat (and yeah, i realize that sounds totally gross).
* she likes me, doesn't like the idea of me with anyone, and worries she's getting too attached. i feel the exact same way.
* she also thinks that we could have something if we were closer, and wants to see if that's true when i get out there.
* but ultimately, we agreed that we would continue to be free to see other people and not label anything yet. it was all very rational, but i guess part of me was just hoping we'd buck rationality. you know, sometimes you just want someone to be all crazy romantic about you.
so really, nothing changes. we continue to talk daily, make plans to see each other, and what, get even more attached? this is not going to end well. i swear, i've been here before.
i was not supposed to like her. i really do hate surprises.
"Threads that are golden don't break easily." - Tori Amos, "Horses"