A Moment of Truth

[Kessari]

Okay, my thoughts are still with the mysterious stranger I talked about and I still wish she were here.
I watched the Paralympic Opening-ceremony today and it made me cry. The last seven days have been really rough, but still when I watched all those athletes with any kind of disability from all over the world and the way the crowd cheered when they brought in the olympic fire I WAS PROUD TO BE ONE OF THEM. All of them stand their ground and I truely believe that they do change the world with believeing in themselves. At least they rocked my world today. Thanks to all of them!

[Willowtree252]

We got the truck reserved today , a rental car reserved for the wedding, me and my best kittens air tickets, the lights turned on, a tv , the place for the wedding, our outfits, plans for after the wedding My self , Sandi, and our best kitten ( who will be flying across county to stand up for me) out for dinner and dancing for the evening, Am I forgetting anything ok maybe now I can relax and stop driving Sandi and best kitten crazy. ( or not)

[Lifty]

I feel as though I'm incapable of emotions...of feelings. Like, I'll walk past two people obviously in love, and sincerely deep down believe that I will never ever feel that way about anyone. Sometimes I hate myself for it. My friends hate me for it. Why am I always so apathetic towards everything? Really, I don't have an answer. I don't understand why, and I wish I did. It seems as though as soon someone gets close enough to me to make me 'feel' something, I have an overwhelming urge to get as far away from them as possible. And I try, I really do try to be more sensitive and involved with everything, but there's this thing that stops me, and I can't stop it, and then I get so frustrated at myself. And then, when I'm all by myself I suddenly burst into tears, and I wish I could talk to someone, or ask them 'why?', but no one's ever around. It's not just emotions, it's physical contact as well. I have no reason to fear it, but when a person hugs me I feel vulnerable, and I just laugh and tell them 'I'm not a very touchy person' when really all I want to do is feel close to someone. Get this, I can count the number of times I have hugged my best friend in the 7 years I have known her.....11. That's less than 2 hugs a year. I know this is stupid, counting the hugs, but it's actually becoming quite a problem. I feel myself drifting away from people, people I care about simply because I haven't got the nerve to show them a little affection. I engorge myself in writing and painting and drawing. It's escapism. When I create something I put all that built up emotion in it so that I don't break down the second I speak to someone. My art teacher the other day said these exact words to me, "sometimes I don't know if you're really here Harriet" and I now realise how straight to the point that is. I distance myself on purpose, and I don't know why. The last time someone I deeply cared for kissed me, I felt nothing. Nothing. And I'm kinda afraid that this is how it's always going to be.

[Emms]

Women.

[Kessari]

Hmm. this is strange. My legs are gettin better...I actually walked a lot today...(meaning like 30 minutes). My jaw-bone however is killing me. This headaches it causes are making me all dizzy and crazy. It takes a lot of discipline to not go really, really crazy. Tomorrow I have to go to the hospital again, because of it and I am scared. I'm so damn scared, that my doc will do something I'm not prepared for.
I'm also so damn scared, that I will lose my eyesight again. This inflammation burst caused me a lot of trouble and it scares me to death...

[thiswomanswork]

Her feelings for someone else scare me, small and unrequited as they may be. They make me afraid that she'll find someone else, but even more than that they make me afraid that she's lost some of what she felt for me; that even if there's no one else, she won't ever want to be my girl again, won't want me.

[LesbianJedi87]

Her feelings for someone else scare me, small and unrequited as they may be. They make me afraid that she'll find someone else, but even more than that they make me afraid that she's lost some of what she felt for me; that even if there's no one else, she won't ever want to be my girl again, won't want me.

took the words outta my mouth there! Being in this kind of situation sucks. It's something that I never had to worry about before.

She said maybe we could meet in the middle some day....well what if she has someone else? What if I have someone else? I believe in us so much that I would drop anyone and anything just to be with her, I really would. *sigh*

[thiswomanswork]

She said maybe we could meet in the middle some day....well what if she has someone else? What if I have someone else? I believe in us so much that I would drop anyone and anything just to be with her, I really would. *sigh*

It would be so much easier if I could say that. But my son is my priority. I'm here in Austin for him. Otherwise I'd be there right now, by her side, unafraid.

...and in some small, silent moments when I'm all alone, I resent him for it. He's only 10 and it's my decision anyway not his... but I do. And I resent myself even more.

[kisstheviolets]

i am the biggest fucking loser failure ever.

[Emms]

i am the biggest fucking loser failure ever.

no... that title belongs to me...

ho hum...

[DreamLover]

Emms and kisstheviolets wrote:

i am the biggest fucking loser failure ever

Well here is some news ladies nobody is a loser Things just happen for a reason even if we don't like it. But you are not a loser.

[Willowtree252]

Thank everyone for all the well wishes .... Sandi took such good care of me during all of this she stood by me. She answered all my Pm's and my emails for me during my down time my truth is we kittens do have 9 lives.

[Willowtree252]

Sorry to double post but this link is the truth of the matter pay close attention to the fish bazaar is what it is. there are some wild sights in this. http://www.tpicks.com/pictures%20people ... %20me.html

[CrazyTaraWitch]

I'm losing ambition. I love my job so so much I wish I could just do it forever, and it's making me less focused on working towards my nursing degree. If I could make enough money working with kids I would stay with this work, but I know I can't earn enough to raise a child as a Day Care Assistant. And I need to be able to have a child some day, it's the most important thing in the world to me, being a mom.
And so I feel divided. Half of me still wants to work toward the future, and half wants nothing more than to stay in this life forever.

[writerfreak]

I've realized that I truly don't have as much of a place here anymore. I made a post in the Random Moments earlier about not being who or what I was and I'm not. I feel as if a hell of a lot has changed and it really has. No one here knows who I've become now and I'm just learning myself. I thought I knew who I was, as Rachel's wife, as a mother and a friend. But I didn't. And then everything comes crashing down and I see that I really was all wrong. About everything. I have to be who I am now, not who I was. And I've always been stuck being who I was before and not showing people the true me. Well here she is, and a lot of people aren't going to like her because I'm not that girl anymore. I'm someone who's lost it all and is rebuilding herself yet again. Only this time I didn't break. I rejoiced in finding myself through it. I hope those who used to care so much see it too. If not, then you really don't matter anyway. It hasn't seemed like you've cared all along.

writerfreak

[LesbianJedi87]

I've realized that I truly don't have as much of a place here anymore. I made a post in the Random Moments earlier about not being who or what I was and I'm not. I feel as if a hell of a lot has changed and it really has. No one here knows who I've become now and I'm just learning myself. I thought I knew who I was, as Rachel's wife, as a mother and a friend. But I didn't. And then everything comes crashing down and I see that I really was all wrong. About everything. I have to be who I am now, not who I was. And I've always been stuck being who I was before and not showing people the true me. Well here she is, and a lot of people aren't going to like her because I'm not that girl anymore. I'm someone who's lost it all and is rebuilding herself yet again. Only this time I didn't break. I rejoiced in finding myself through it. I hope those who used to care so much see it too. If not, then you really don't matter anyway. It hasn't seemed like you've cared all along.

writerfreak

hey no worries! Plenty of people take a leave of absence from around here even if it's just by not posting so much. Then they come back to find the place has changed or old friends have changed or maybe they perhaps there's just way too many new people. I felt that way afetr coming back from not posting for about 6 months and heck, still feel that way now. It kinda makes me miss the old days where I personally knew almost everyone posting here and everyone came into the chat, but I still post for the sake of posting and you shouldn't have to worry about how much you've changed. You don't have to be that same person and it's good to realize how different you are now.

[thiswomanswork]

I'm actually kind of OK, and I don't know why.

[Kessari]

I'm so disappointed. Lately everyone seems to disappoint me with their behavior. My mom is always bitching about something and 'friends' just act like they don't care. Dad is just too busy and yeah everyone seems to have something better to do, than talk to me or just hang out. Kind of makes me feel worthless. Things changed so much the last few weeks and I am just so confused and disappointed... I need a good shoulder to lean on.

[Dorothy]

I always wanted to have a horse...
But seeing Amber on a horse...
makes me wanna be a horse!

[CrazyTaraWitch]

Dorothy, you just made me smile really big. I am so putting that into my list of quotes...

[Dorothy]

cool, someone likes my wacky sense of humor

[thiswomanswork]

Every time I hear that name, the name of the girl she likes, I want to shout, 'She doesn't like you that way! She's only ever going to be your friend, and you're just hurting yourself by falling for her. Hurting yourself and scaring me. Just... don't get so wrapped up in someone who doesn't return your love that you lose touch with your feelings for me, ok? If I could sweep down to L.A. and make it all better I would, but I can't... I have to wait. Just don't let it all fall apart before we have the chance to try and put it back together! I get it, I really do, I get how it was. The distance seperating us kept you from getting what you needed. She can give you the one thing I can't - she can be right there with you. But baby, that's all she can give. Don't let that become more important than the rest...'

But I can't. So instead I just smile, and fear, and hope, and love, and keep going.

[sweet satin lover]

Am I too British to post that I am horny tonight? huh. Guess not lol

[thiswomanswork]

Bedtime used to be the time of day I always, always looked forward to. No matter what else was happening in my life, there was one part of life where everything, everything was right.

How can the best part of life become the most difficult so quickly?

[LesbianJedi87]

I lie to myself to make me feel better. I lie to others to make them think I'm ok. I'm not. I tell her to leave me alone cause I want nothing from her. But I do. I so do.

Meh!!

[hondos]

I am a sheep.I am doing things I never thought I would do just to make others happy.Why, I don't know.This is not who I am and I am disgusted with myself.I can't wait to get away for a while.I need a break for sure.I am even thinking of leaving hell phone behind.... But then there is this whole worry about my stores so I know I won't.I so need a life.

[CrazyTaraWitch]

each time, it hurts just a little less...

[LesbianJedi87]

She is totally my type. This was what I wanted, right? Someone who GETS IT. I'm not talking to someone who is technology retarded. She's just...not my type physically. At all. And that sucks.

[thiswomanswork]

I miss her more than I admit.

[CrazyTaraWitch]

I don't know anything anymore, how I feel or what I want... Each thing I want conflicts with something else I want, and I have no priorities anymore. I want to be with her, so much, but I don't want to attach myself to something that can never happen; I want someone who can be a part of my life and my world, and chances are slim to none that it could ever be her... but I know I can't give her up, not really. I feel confused and I hate it. The things I want have always been all that I'm certain of, and I've lost that certainty. And then there's the matter of a career... spend my life working with kids but never have enough money to have my own, or work as a nurse, a job I doubt I could ever love as much but would allow me to become a mom like I've wanted so desperately for so long.
I used to know what came first, in my heart and in my head. I've lost sight of that now and I don't know how to get it back, and there's no one to help me through it.
She would be there for me, and would understand better than anyone, but we seem to have so little time for each other I hate to spend it that way. My sisters and I are drifting farther and farther apart, and 5<> isn't the comfort she once was. I have a therapist, but the truth is I've never been able to really talk to her.
Even having her in my life, I still manage to feel alone.