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Things that make you go hmmm? The general humor thread.

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A simple explanation of "marketing."

Postby Noah10 » Tue Jan 27, 2004 2:35 am



Here it is:wink



You're a woman and you see a handsome guy at a party.

You go up to him and say, "I'm fantastic in bed,"

That's Direct marketing.



You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome guy.

One of your friends goes up to him and pointing at you says,

"She's fantastic in bed,"

That's Advertising.



You see a handsome guy at a party.

You go up to him and get his telephone number.

The next day you call and say,"Hi, I'm fantastic in bed,"

That's Telemarketing.



You're at a party and see a handsome guy.

You get up and straighten your dress.

You walk up to him and pour him a drink.

You say,"May I," and reach up to straighten his tie brushing your breast lightly

against his arm, and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed,"

That's Public Relations.



You're at a party and see a handsome guy.

He walks up to you and says, "I hear you're fantastic in bed,"

That's Brand Recognition.



You're at a party and see a handsome guy.

You talk him into going home with your friend.

That's a Sales Rep.



Your friend can't satisfy him so he calls you.

That's Tech Support.



You're on your way to a party when you realize that there could be handsome men

in all these houses you're passing.

So you climb onto the roof of one situated toward the center and shout at the top of

your lungs, "I'm fantastic in bed!"

That's Junk Mail.

Edited by: Noah10 at: 1/27/04 1:43 am
Noah10
 


Re: Scotsmen

Postby Jennpurr » Tue Jan 27, 2004 7:11 am

:lmao


||My Fan Fiction and More!|| ||My Yahoo Group||
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Piper: The only Halliwell that likes earthquakes.
Prue: I don't like them, but I don't go running naked through the house screaming, "RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!" either.
Phoebe: Okay, that is such an exaggeration. I was wearing slippers.

Jennpurr
 


Re: A simple explanation of "marketing."

Postby guardian146 » Tue Jan 27, 2004 4:54 pm

A friend of mine e-mailed this to me, thought you might find it funny.



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



Take heart, anyone among you who believes he or she is technologically challenged, you "ain't seen nuthin" yet. This is an excerpt from a Wall Street Journal article:



1. Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key is.



2. AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.



3. Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of troubleshooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the "Send" key.



4. Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his bathtub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing them individually.



5. A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged because his computer had told him he was "Bad and an invalid." The tech explained that the computer's "bad command" and "invalid" responses shouldn't be taken personally.



6. A confused caller to IBM was having trouble printing documents. He told the technician that the computer had said it "couldn't find printer." The user had also tried turning the computer screen to face the printer-but that his computer still couldn't "see" the printer.



7. An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response, "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happened." The "foot pedal" turned out to be the computer's mouse...



8. Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand new computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked, "What power switch?"



9. Another IBM customer had trouble installing software and rang for support. "I put in the first disk, and that was OK. It said to put in the second disk, and had some problems with the disk. When it said to put in the third disk, I couldn't even fit it in..." The user hadn't realized that "Insert Disk 2" implied removing Disk 1 first.



10. A story from a Novell NetWare SysOp:

CALLER: "Hello, is this Tech Support?"

TECH: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?"

CALLER: "The cup holder on my PC is broken -and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?"

TECH: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?"

CALLER: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer."

TECH: "Please excuse me. If I seem a bit stumped, it's because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?"

CALLER: "It came with my computer. I don't know anything about a promotional. It just has '4X' on it."

At this point, the Tech Rep had to mute the caller because he couldn't stand it. He was laughing too hard. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder and it had snapped it off the drive.



11. A woman called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer. The tech asked her if she was "running it under windows." The woman responded, "No, my desk is next to the door. But that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window and his printer is working fine."



12. And last but not least:

TECH SUPPORT: "O.K. Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter "P" to bring up

the Program Manager."

CUSTOMER: "I don't have a 'P'".

TECH SUPPORT: "On your keyboard, Bob."

CUSTOMER: "What do you mean?"

TECH SUPPORT: " 'P' on your keyboard, Bob."

CUSTOMER: "I'm not going to do that!"





I'm Dancing Like Monkey!!! - GIR



guardian146
 


Re: Scotsmen

Postby cattwoman98111 » Tue Jan 27, 2004 6:02 pm

hee hee hee, cup holder! i liked that one...

Shake it like a polaroid picture -Outkast

cattwoman98111
 


Re: Scotsmen

Postby guardian146 » Tue Jan 27, 2004 7:57 pm

If you wanna see some really funny laws that are still one the books click on the link below. Me and my friends couldn't believe that some of these are really real



www.dumblaws.com



I'm Dancing Like A Monkey!!! - GIR

Edited by: guardian146 at: 1/28/04 8:43 pm
guardian146
 


Re: Scotsmen

Postby Jennpurr » Tue Jan 27, 2004 8:26 pm

That last one... :lmao



Jen


||My Fan Fiction and More!|| ||My Yahoo Group||
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Piper: The only Halliwell that likes earthquakes.
Prue: I don't like them, but I don't go running naked through the house screaming, "RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!" either.
Phoebe: Okay, that is such an exaggeration. I was wearing slippers.

Jennpurr
 


Re: Scotsmen

Postby salandar3 » Wed Jan 28, 2004 2:03 pm

Hi all...

Such fun to run into this thread after a rough workday... just what I needed. This isn't a joke so much as a real-life oddity that makes me go "hmm" every time I see it:

Braille on the keys of drive-up automatic teller machines.

How weird is that? :confused



Wendy

salandar3
 


Re: Scotsmen

Postby Tempest Duer » Wed Jan 28, 2004 9:39 pm

Not much weirder than signs reading "ATM Machine" or in essence, "Automated Teller Machine Machine."



But really, Dumb Laws is a laugh riot. But I have a hard time believing that oral sex is prohibited in San Francisco. Check it yourself if you don't believe me.

Willow: Hey Buff. One more thing. Buffy: Yeah? Willow: I’m gay. Buffy: Okay, Will. Xander owes me ten bucks.

~Remember to Breathe by Yellow Crayon

Tempest Duer
 


Re:

Postby marciam » Wed Jan 28, 2004 9:57 pm

Just found this thread and LMAO. I started at the beginning and had tears streaming down my face from the 6th grader responses. And those first few pictures, loved the last one - I've heard of cow tipping - would that be extreme cow tipping?

marciam
 


Re: Scotsmen

Postby xita » Wed Jan 28, 2004 11:06 pm

Haha, great link to the dumb laws. From California:



Sunshine is guaranteed to the masses.



You are not permitted to wear cowboy boots unless you already own at least two cows.



:rofl

- - - - - - - - - - -
"Hard work often pays off after time but laziness always pays off now!"


xita
 


Re: Re:

Postby Tempest Duer » Thu Jan 29, 2004 6:54 pm

www.goodquotes.com



Now this stuff is funny... especially the Dan Quayle ones...



"It's great to be here in the great state of Chicago."



"I love California, I practically grew up in Phoenix."



And these...



"Most lies about blondes are false."



"He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning regardless of what time it is."



"Solutions are not the answer."



"Permitted vehicles not allowed."

Willow: Hey Buff. One more thing. Buffy: Yeah? Willow: I’m gay. Buffy: Okay, Will. Xander owes me ten bucks.

~Remember to Breathe by Yellow Crayon

Tempest Duer
 


Re: Scotsmen

Postby xita » Thu Jan 29, 2004 9:49 pm

www.dubyaspeak.com/



I didn't want to leave bush feeling left out :p



TOP 10 AS SELECTED BY DUBYASPEAK VIEWERS



10. At this Thursday, ticket counters and airplanes will fly outta Ronald Reagan Airport.

9. Laura and I will thank them from the bottom of my heart.

8. When you have your own money, it means you've got more money to spend.

7. The benefits of helping somebody is beneficial.

6. We're in for a long struggle, and I think Texans understand that. And so do Americans.

5. Sometimes when I sleep at night I think of "Hop on Pop".

4. I promise you I will listen to what has been said here, even though I wasn't here.

3. And one of the things we've got to make sure that we do is anything.

2. We're making the right decisions to bring the solution to an end.

1. Border relations between Canada and Mexico have never been better.



- - - - - - - - - - -
"Hard work often pays off after time but laziness always pays off now!"


xita
 


Re: Re:

Postby Tempest Duer » Fri Jan 30, 2004 9:59 pm

Uh... hooray for our fearless leader. *coughcoughcough*

Willow: Hey Buff. One more thing. Buffy: Yeah? Willow: I’m gay. Buffy: Okay, Will. Xander owes me ten bucks.

~Remember to Breathe by Yellow Crayon

Tempest Duer
 


Re: Scotsmen

Postby AmbeRocks » Fri Jan 30, 2004 10:13 pm

www.myshutter.com/flash/smiley-back.swf



you'll never look at our smilies the same way!:D

There is such a variety of well-invented things that the earth is like the breasts of a woman: useful as well as pleasing - Nietzsche

AmbeRocks
 


Re: 38 things you'd love to say at work

Postby Modjadji » Sat Jan 31, 2004 11:57 am

This gave me a chuckle.



38 things you would love to say at work.



1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of shit.

2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

3. How about never? Is never good for you?

4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.

6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

8. I don't work here. I'm a temp.

9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.

10. Ahhh...I see the fuck-up fairy has visited us again...

11. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.

12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

13. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn.

14. I'm already visualising the duct tape over your mouth.

15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.

18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks?

20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.

22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.

23. And your cry-baby whiny-assed opinion would be...?

24. Do I look like a people person?

25. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.

26. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.

27. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

28. If I throw a stick, will you leave.

29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

30. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

31. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

32. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

33. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?

34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

35. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

36. Chaos, panic and disorder - my work here is done.

37. How do I set a laser printer to stun?

38. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted pay-checks.

Modjadji
 


Re: 38 things you'd love to say at work

Postby skittles » Sat Jan 31, 2004 4:47 pm

If I promise to be good, can I use these at school??

(Yes, I'm a little bitter right now)
Quote:
3. How about never? Is never good for you? (when asked for a restroom pass)

6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

11. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.

14. I'm already visualising the duct tape over your mouth. (or to keep you in your seat)

21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.

25. This isn't an (school). It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.

28. If I throw a stick, will you leave.

30. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed. (or remarkably succeeded )

35. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it? (especially the boys)


Thank you for posting this list... can you tell I needed to vent??

skittles



Life can suck, but at least there's chocolate - Cicca

skittles
 


Re: 38 things you'd love to say at work

Postby Tempest Duer » Sat Jan 31, 2004 8:53 pm

I've used those kinds of lines at school. Of course, I'm a student...

Willow: Hey Buff. One more thing. Buffy: Yeah? Willow: I’m gay. Buffy: Okay, Will. Xander owes me ten bucks.

~Remember to Breathe by Yellow Crayon

Tempest Duer
 


Re: 38 things you'd love to say at work

Postby Warduke » Sat Jan 31, 2004 11:57 pm

The Devil’s Dictionary.


Firebird: One Browser To Rule Them All.

Warduke
 


Re: 38 things you'd love to say at work

Postby Modjadji » Sun Feb 01, 2004 3:11 am

skittles: I used them all through my school career. Probably why I had so few friends. :cry :wink

Modjadji
 


Re: 38 things you'd love to say at work

Postby skittles » Sun Feb 01, 2004 6:16 am

Yeah, but I'm a teacher!!! **insert evil/wicked laugh**



I'm supposed to be "better" than all of that... but some days I'm so tempted .....

skittles



Life can suck, but at least there's chocolate - Cicca

skittles
 


Re: 38 things you'd love to say at work

Postby xita » Sun Feb 01, 2004 11:24 am

skittles only some days?



brian love that dictionary :devil

- - - - - - - - - - -
"Hard work often pays off after time but laziness always pays off now!"


xita
 


Re: 38 things you'd love to say at work

Postby Tempest Duer » Sun Feb 01, 2004 4:34 pm

My history teacher has no qualms about saying things like that to his students. Luckily, I have yet to be the target. I'm too smart for him, hehe...



Thought for the day: Why do wars lead to food shortages when the population is steadily decreasing?

Willow: Hey Buff. One more thing. Buffy: Yeah? Willow: I’m gay. Buffy: Okay, Will. Xander owes me ten bucks.

~Remember to Breathe by Yellow Crayon

Tempest Duer
 


Re: 38 things you'd love to say at work

Postby urnofosiris » Mon Feb 02, 2004 7:48 am

Those 38 things will come in handy even if you have a great job. I especially love #6 :D





urnofosiris
 


Re: Bush or chimp?

Postby Warduke » Fri Feb 06, 2004 10:58 am

I posted an article in the Politics thread about Bush's declining support in polls, one part that was really funny was this...



Quote:
"I think he's run the country into the ground economically, and he comes out with these crazy ideas like going to Mars and going to the moon," said Richard Bidlack, a 78-year-old retiree from Boonton, N.J., who says he voted for Bush in 2000. "I'm so upset at Bush, I'll vote for a chimpanzee before I vote for him."




And there just happens to be this site...www.bushorchimp.com


Firebird: One Browser To Rule Them All.

Warduke
 


Kenya!

Postby J uk » Sat Feb 07, 2004 8:31 am

J uk
 


Re: Kenya!

Postby Jennpurr » Sat Feb 07, 2004 10:39 am

OMG....



LMAO!! :lmao



:rofl


||My Fan Fiction and More!|| ||My Yahoo Group||
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
"Got to sing. Got to dance. Got to suck face with Alyson Hannigan." - Amber Benson (Toronto Trek)

Jennpurr
 


My nephew

Postby Krazy Dreamer » Sat Feb 07, 2004 3:44 pm

This may not be humorous to others, but I just got an email from my mom. My sister and her two kids were visiting her last week, and it seems my four-and-a-half year-old nephew who is really into the Rescue Heroes has renamed her cat from Sylvester to Rocky Canyon. I couldn’t help but burst out laughing. The other library patrons are staring at me now, and I’m still trying to stifle my giggles. He’s such a cutie.

"Some men see things as they are and say,'why?' I dream things that never were and say, 'why not?'"

- Robert F. JFK

Krazy Dreamer
 


Re: My nephew

Postby mscheckmate » Sun Feb 08, 2004 1:15 am

Awww, Rescue Heroes. My nephew (he's almost five) loves them. He also loves the Imaginext toys. One of the Imaginext figures wears an orange jumpsuit, so my nephew named him, "Martha Stewart." My sister probably helped him come up with the name, but, still, I got a good laugh out of it.

"A dictatorship would be a heck of a lot easier, there's no question about it." G.W.Bush,Washington,D.C., 7/26/01, commenting on negotiating with Congress.

mscheckmate
 


tendering resignation

Postby cattwoman98111 » Tue Feb 10, 2004 7:59 pm

I think this is a great idea, i for one am going to do it...





I am hereby officially tendering

my resignation as an adult. I have

decided I would like to accept the

responsibilities of an 8 year-old again.



I want to go to McDonald's and think

that it's a four star restaurant.



I want to sail sticks across a fresh mud

puddle and make a sidewalk with rocks.



I want to think M&Ms are better than

money because you can eat them.



I want to lie under a big oak tree and

run a lemonade stand with my friends on

a hot summer's day.



I want to return to a time when life was

simple; When all you knew were colors,

multiplication tables, and nursery

rhymes, but that didn't bother you,

because you didn't know what you

didn't know and you didn't care.



All you knew was to be happy because you were blissfully unaware of

all the things that should make you

worried or upset.



I want to think the world is fair.

That everyone is honest and good.



I want to believe that anything is

possible. I want to be oblivious

to the complexities of life and be

overly excited by the little things

again.



I want to live simple again. I

don't want my day to consist of

computer crashes, mountains of paperwork,

depressing news, how to survive more days

in the month than there is money in the

bank, doctor bills, gossip, illness,

and loss of loved ones.



I want to believe in the power of

smiles, hugs, a kind word, truth,

justice, peace, dreams, the imagination,

mankind, and making angels in the snow.



So . . . here's my checkbook

and my car-keys, my credit card bills

and my 401K statements. I am officially

resigning from adulthood.



And if you want to discuss this

further, you'll have to catch me

first, cause........

......"Tag! You're it."

Your smile got stuck in my eyes and your mouth makes me forget what i'm saying and your lips make me wonder if your taken, so tell me, are you taken?

cattwoman98111
 


Re: My nephew

Postby Tempest Duer » Tue Feb 10, 2004 8:34 pm

I wanna resign as an adult! But I'm only a teenager.



Jen, I love your sig! When did she say that?

Willow: Hey Buff. One more thing. Buffy: Yeah? Willow: I’m gay. Buffy: Okay, Will. Xander owes me ten bucks.

~Remember to Breathe by Yellow Crayon

Tempest Duer
 

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