Coming Out Thread

[littlewicca]

yes, summer and justskipit are very right, i think they really are

[Taraholic]

I'm a lesbian, and I've come out to a few of my friends. My policy has basically become this: if you ask, I'm not going to lie to you. So here's where my problem comes. My mom's a preacher and totally against gay people, but, because she's my mother, I tried to tell her. I said something like, "What would you do if I was gay?" She looked me straight in the eye and said, "I'd kick you out of the house." To say I was shocked would be the understatement of the century. So my question is this: what should I do? Should I not tell my mom until I move out? Should I ever tell my mom?

[Willowtree252]

That is hard to tell but if it were me and trust me I have been there I would wait till you move out because if she means it then it could be bad. Down the road though I would tell her she is your mother and she loves you I would hope that she would come around it may take time but there is always hope how long till you are out of school? No matter what we are here to help you.

[Taraholic]

I'm a sophomore in high school, but I'm going to community college, so I'll probably be living at home for another 3-4 years. It's just tough because she keeps asking me why I don't have a boyfriend. I tell her that it's because I'm 16 and I don't really have time. I just hate to lie to her, but it's nice to know I have people to talk to about it.

[summer fairy]

I would totally drop hints to her but not tell her and let her figure it out for herself. Believe me, I think she's over reacting and if she knew you are a lesbian, she may think differently!

One of my older brothers were really agains gays, still is, but because I am what I am, he has calm'd down and he was not at all disrespectfull, but before he knew he was always telling us, oh if one of you turn'd to me and said you were gay I would disown you, he didn't though!

[SJ]

Only tell your Mom when you want to.
Parents ask questions like that.

[littlewicca]

yes, well i am 20, and i have no boyfriend, who are asking who i like, or stuff like that are my friends...

and about that, i understand, you shouldnt tell her if you think she really mean it, i know is a big thing over you, im dealing with it too, but if you think you know what the answer will be, you may wait.
as di said, here

[Schizophrade]

Okay, I'm kind of needing some help here right now and I hope you guys can help me.

I think i've always known i liked women, but i think i'm bisexual sometimes but other times i feel like i am a lesbian. I've been questioning this since i was in 7th grade, and i know that's really early but i was never one to get into boys and find them attractive and then i'd look at a girl and i'd totally think they're hot and that i want to be with them rather than looking at a guy that way.

I've forced myself so many times to like guys because i don't want to be different from my friends, some of them are homophobic and some of them say they're oaky with it but act weirded out when you mention certain things. The only people that know that i'm going through this troubles are a good few people and i am so scared that they are going to tell people and that everyone is going to hate me and think i'm lying and be in fear that i will hit on them but i honestly won't! i really won't... i haven't done it yet why start doing it now?

I have a boyfriend right now, and i dont know if i like him but everytime i kiss him i always picture that its a girl, and this girl that i keep picturing it is .. is someone i really like and want to be with but can't cause shes straight and doesn't like girls like that. I don't even know if i like him. I'm so scared, cause id ont want to hurt him and make him feel like i'm using him as a shield... but i really just don't know. :/

i've tried telling my mother my doubts about myself, and she tells me i need to stop thinking such ridiculous thoughts and that i am straight. She doesn't want an abnormal child, even though she doesn't mind gay people she can't stand the thought of someone of her own blood being gay/lesbian/bi/etc.

what do i do? i'm scared... and confused. .. and lost. and i really honestly jsut want to make out with a girl or something... gah. :/ sorry.

[Justified12]

Schizophrade,

i understand that its tough to not know what or who you want and that you're probably going through some huge changes and emotions right now... but the most important thing for you to do is try not to hurt others in the process of figuring yourself out... it really isnt fair on your boyfriend if you are feeling this way while you're together... you probably need to take a step back and have another look at your life... this is something you are dealing with personally, its wrong to have others involved who could get hurt from no fault of their own...

in terms of deciding your exact sexually, remember that you dont need to label yourself... you are you... you love who you love... nothing should dictate that besides your heart... not gender, not society, not opinion... Love is love.

even though a lot of people prefer to be able to give themselves a name in the eyes of society, that label doesnt really determine who they are... just like its not IMPOSSIBLE for a straight girl to fall for another girl... or a lesbian to fall for a guy... it may not be likely, but that doesnt mean that if it happens they have to stop and say 'no, thats against my sexuality'... everyone should be allowed to love whomever life chooses for them.

but dont worry, i can assure you things will work themselves out, you will find clarity... just keep the faith lol

Justified xo

[CrazyTaraWitch]

Schizophrade, as Justified12 said, sexuality is complicated, and rarely as straight-forward as gay vs. straight. though i consider myself a lesbian, i try not to block out the possibility of a male in my life, because i don't want to limit who i love. as far as you're concerned though, i agree with Justified 12: it's not fair to your boyfriend to be with him if he's not who you want to be; i know this partly from experience, since i spent months wondering if my ex really wanted it be with me, and it totally sucked. I also know what it's like to have feelings for a straight girl, and how much it totally sucks, but honestly, it's much easier to handle your feelings once you admit to them. no one can tell you how your family & friends will react, even them; but the first step to figuring out who you are is simply to admit to yourself--to the extent of not being with aguys you're not sure you want--that you're not sure who you are. for me, the process began with feelings for my best friend, which led me to think i was bi, but eventually, after enough time or searching inside myself, I came to my own conclusions, and i think that's what we all need: just some time by ourselves to figure out who we are.

[littlewicca]

I finally came out to my best friend, she took it good, and im happy, i really need to see her now, coz i hadnt talk to her a lot, she said she will support me
And i did it coz i have good friend here who helped me thanks

[summer fairy]

Well done hun! I am very proud of you, that must of taken a LOt of your courage!

[CrazyTaraWitch]

yay! way to go! my best friend was the first person i came out to, and that made everything soooo much easier. good luck, Schizophrade:)

[Willowtree252]

good

[littlewicca]

Thanks Rach! It did, Im happy for that, i talked to my sister yesterday and she took it really great! Im happy to have a great sister.
Thanks
~ ~

[Schizophrade]

I really can't do this anymore. The more I think about it the more it eats away at me and the more I try to make myself something I'm not the more I feel crappy about myself.

Everytime I talk to my boyfriend I somehow imagine he is a girl and when i kiss him, I imagine that he is a girl. I can't do this, but I don't want to break up with him because I'm scared that once I do that then I'll have nothing to hide behind and i know it's bad that I am using him. I don't mean to but I'm scared of what will happen if I just let him go.

Gah, maybe I should talk to him about it, but I'm so scared that he won't listen to me and he'll think that its something that he did and it isn't... I just can't ...

I mean I have never thought about doing anything sexual with a man, i've always pictured it with a girl ... and gah.

I need someone to talk to... badly.

[littlewicca]

Schizophrade hadnt seen you again, how are you?

I talked now to my coufing and explain her, she took it great, and she loves me anyway

[Auriam]

I'm a lesbian, and I've come out to a few of my friends. My policy has basically become this: if you ask, I'm not going to lie to you. So here's where my problem comes. My mom's a preacher and totally against gay people, but, because she's my mother, I tried to tell her. I said something like, "What would you do if I was gay?" She looked me straight in the eye and said, "I'd kick you out of the house." To say I was shocked would be the understatement of the century. So my question is this: what should I do? Should I not tell my mom until I move out? Should I ever tell my mom?

I had the same problem as you !
I alrealdy told some of my very close friend (that mean my bests friends) and one of my sister.
I use to live in an island and everybody know each other !
That's why i had to quite there, cause if i want to live i have to leave.
I leave alone now but i still need my parent for my rent and all since i'm still a student.
I would love to tell her that i'm gay, she is my mother.
But when i saw the way she reacts each time someone come out in our familly. Make me think she will never understand.
I mean i alreally have so much difficulty with her and she doesn't know yet.
I afraid that the day i told them, they will tell me i'm not their familly anymore.

[Shaucker]

Everytime I talk to my boyfriend I somehow imagine he is a girl and when i kiss him, I imagine that he is a girl. I can't do this, but I don't want to break up with him because I'm scared that once I do that then I'll have nothing to hide behind and i know it's bad that I am using him. I don't mean to but I'm scared of what will happen if I just let him go.
Gah, maybe I should talk to him about it, but I'm so scared that he won't listen to me and he'll think that its something that he did and it isn't... I just can't ...

Schizophrade:
I read your post and wonder about your boyfriend.
Perhaps he already has some inkling of what's going on. Not that you're obvious or whatever, but sometimes people know before you tell them.
Maybe it wouldn't be as much of a shock and he'll support you and your decision.

[woahnellie]

okay here it goes! i joined this board becasue i'm a huge buffy fan, i found it when i typed in willow/tara fanfic. I've been putting this off because i really am not sure what i am or who i am. I've liked this guy forever. We've been friends since my junior year of high school, we've been attracted to each other every since then. he moved to california my sophomore year of college, we have talked almost every week.. since he moved. I'm completely in love with him, and i know if we coudl be together we would be but our distance keeps us apart. but theres also this girl who i work with, i dunno what we have. i dunno what we have its more than likely a friendship but i would like for it to be more. we have the same kind of personality and get along just fine. hell fuck i dunno. i'm so confused in my life right now, i just turned 26 but i don't know what i want in life. right now i'm so lonely, i have noone it seems. i've never came out to my friends or anything. but right now i'm not for sure what sex i like. i'm sorry if this seems like such a ramble but this is a big step for me. i think i met my soulmate with jake the guy who moved to cali, but it sucks we can't be together because of our distance. hell if i know, i'm so confuse :(
any advice would be accepted hell if know :(

[Tillow16]

I'm 16, and I just broke up with my boyfriend to be with my best friend. We're both bi, but I think I might be a lesbian. I've told everyone except blood realtives. Parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, etc. I haven't told respected teacher either, but it's summer break, so that'll have to wait. I'm really scared about telling the people whose opinion I respect most. Should I tell my mom? I don't know. Everyone I've told it really happy for me, and I'm pretty sure my mom would be okay, I'm just nervous. Any advice?

[littlewicca]

Hi,

I want to share this, I hope it helps

After i told my friends and sister about me, I started to feel i needed to talk to my parents.

I had a great support here in the kitten, with my friends, and my gf, they help me, and when i was ready, i talked to my mother, she thought i had a bf, but, when i told her i was nervous, she started to ask, and finnaly i told her it was a gf, she was a bit surprised, but she took it very good, she asked where she lives, how old is she, and stuff like that.
She told me too, that i needed to find the way to tell things and i cant carry that kind of weight by myself, she loves me and wants me to be happy.

A few days later, i talked to my gf by phone and my dad started to ask, who i talked to, my mother had tell him i called france, so, i thought i better tell him now, and i said, i had a gf, his reaction was a bit diferent, he said, no.. no.. but, not in a bad way, he always do that, i suddenly told him, after that he hugged me and kissed me, he loves me too.

As they should do, people who loves us, will love us by what we are, some may say is easy to say that, but is not, it was complicated.

I just wanted to say, how it was for me, and every thing should go well fo every one too.
I hope this helps

[Sapphire eyes]

I don't really know what to say, I have known I was bi-sexual ever since I was 17 but had a hard time coming to terms with it I am 23 now and am more at ease with it but the more I think about it the more it hurts because I am hppy but I keep dropping hint at my fsamily and they just don't understand one of my sisters last night said "You can't tell me that there isn't something wrong with that" ( meaning if people are of a differeing sexual orientation than straight) and I ssaid "No there's nothing wrng with it" and she said "No???" and I said "People can't help who they fall in love with can they, I mean Biologically sure there are issues but there's artificical insemination and all kinds of things" Then my sister said "Well the human race would be extinct if everyone was like it" so then I said "So it's ok for everyone else?" ( meaning everyone but me??) But then she went silent. I have tried so many times to try and express how I feel but it hurts my sister says she isn't homophobic and I love her very much but why should it be ok for other people to be bi or gay and not her sister whom she is meant to love 100%?

I told my brother and he was like "Girl and girl the same..ewwww" and despite being older was really immature about it. My mother is into Christianity in a big way and there is no way I can tell her- she told me one time when I tried to tell her- "Another woman touching you,you can't possibly imagine or want that, you wouldn't want another girl touching your boobs I bet those lesbians would love you because of your boobs." I love my mother and with most things she is lovely and I couldn't ask for a better mother but when it comes to this topic...and I couldn't possibly tell my other 2 sisters..I justhate not being able to be open most of my friends are Homophobic...It just makes me so sad, I have all this love inside me and I don't know what to do with it because part of me wants a guy so I can have the "conventional" relationship and have kids eventually but then although I fancy guys I think that they can be violent sometimes- not all men are like that though I am sure there are some good guys out there but ( I was emotionally abused and beat up by my stepdad since the age of 12) and although I like the male organ somertimes my ex boyfriend used to cause me uncomfort. I had a girlfriend for a while but she was all out and proud and she wanted me to be too but that didn't work so we ended that...but so anyway...even though I like the male organ I sometiems think I would like a girlfriend because girls are more tender and seem sweeter to me and...does this make any sense at all? Sometimes my heart swells with all this and I just needed to express it so thanks for reading and if anyone has any helpful advice then please do PM me if you would
thanks very much
Caroline xxx

[Sleepyhead]

Hi, not really sure where to start as this is kind of complicated but I guess jumping right in is the only real option. I'm fourteen and bisexual (or possibly a lesbian, I'm not really sure but that doesn't really bother me, I figure I'll just do what I do) and I have a wonderful girlfriend who I love very much. I came out to her and myself about a year ago and well, one thing led to another and we've been together for seven months now. We were really close friends before that, but there was always something else between us, and the transition from friends to girlfriends wasn't that big. We're not out to anyone and as such have to constantly hide our relationship, which leads to quite a bit of sneakiness, which trust me, is not great for the old ticker. We go to school together, but act like just friends and we talk on MSN everyday but we rarely get time to do the physical things couples do (not sex, 'cause we're so not ready, but other stuff), generally once each school holidays. The thing is though neither of us is ready to come out, and neither of us is at all ready to deal with the consequences that would surely follow if we came out to our parents.

My parents, I think would take the news that I wasn't straight fairly well. My mother has never said anything bad about LGBT people and has stated on numerous occasions she just wants me to be happy. My father is a bit different though, gay people seem to make him uncomfortable but he told me once that even though his religion disagrees, he supports gay marriage, so I think he'd accept it in time.

My girlfriend's parents however are an entirely different story. They are quite homophobic and if they knew they would no doubt keep us from seeing each other. This means I can't tell my parents I'm non-straight because they would soon figure out our relationship and tell her parents. As typically teenager-y as it may sound I really can't cope without my girlfriend and she's told me multiple times she can't cope without me. Considering she's been diagnosed with major clinical depression and just recently got out of the hospital for taking a lot of pills and I'm, well not doing so well myself these days either, not coping is very much a bad plan.

So you may ask, just what the problem is. While we hate sneaking around and being physically close rarely, neither of us is ready to come out yet and waiting until we're older and more able to control our lives seems like a viable and valid option. The only problem is that I may not have time for that. Last year my mother was diagnosed with terminal cancer and the doctors gave her up to five years (meaning she could die at any stage before that though). As you can see this put a massive road-block in my waiting until I'm old enough plan, if I ever want to tell my mother. Which I do, as I have a feeling I'll regret never telling her when I had the chance if I don't. I told my girlfriend about all of this and she said that she'd understand if I did tell my mother. But the truth is I can't, because I'm afraid it would mean being apart from her.

The bit that really gets me is that this is a positive thing and I have to hide it. I have far worse secrets and this is one that's actually something genuinely good for both myself and my girlfriend and we can't tell anyone.

I don't really expect any advice from anyone, I just needed to tell this to somebody who wasn't related to it at all. My current plan is to wait until the right time and hope like hell that that comes before it's too late. Wow, sorry this turned out so long.

[cathy north]

I just want to say I live in a rather conservative area of my state. There are openly lesbian couples sprinkled throughout my town and I can safely say they are an intregal part of this community. They are completely accepted, at least by the people I know and I know a lot of people since I grew up here.

My point is that even in a middle America community like this you can speak out about your sexuality. I think the country has progressed to a greater degree of acceptance than you might believe. I think it is we ourselves who are more fearful of what others will think than the reality out there is. If they like you, they will still like you, no matter what. Rather than live in haunting, inhibiting fear screw up your courage and let loose. I think you'll find that you will be happier once you accept yourself as you are.

[strong.like.an.amazon]

k i've been gay for like a year now but i've only come out to two ppl. but i wanna tell my family, thing is my mom's all about "as the bible says it" so... and also i wouldn't be troubled if i weren't practically in love with my straight best friend eh? yup. but also i wanted to ask, i asked one of my other lesbian friends (i came out to her) she said she met her girlfriend at GSA. wel the GSA as my school has like 9 people in it and they're all straight and support gays. so where else could I meet someone else?

by the way... this board rocks my gay socks

[Teddykins]

Okay, so I know this isnt really about me...but today at work, this boy was going to buy these wristbands. One said: "Boys make good pets" and the other was: "Sharing is caring." The second one was more of a bi thing...but then suddenly he says he's gonna put them back and runs off. His mom walks up and I knew...and I felt so bad.

I mean I am like super gay and my boss is gay too.

I find the wristbands later on the floor under the clearance pants...I felt so bad for that kid.

Sorry, I just had to share. I wish everyone could tell their parents. My mom still hopes I'll change but...she still is pretty suportive.

[Wicca Ness]

Ok so im 16, and i know that im either bi or lesbian,but im leaning into lesbian, im still not sure since ive only liked one girl since about march. And only one of my online friends knows that i like a girl. i still like her, but its kinda of a lost hope since she's most likely straight and has a boyfriend shes been dating for about 9 months now.

I want to come out but im not sure if i can. I mean, i think my parents might accept it, they'd probably be really disappointed and all , but i don't know if they'd still accept me . They're all religious catholics. and im the black sheep. My sisters are always saying "thats gay" in a negative way, i think my dads like that too, my mom might be the one to take it best, but i don't think she'd take it well. I have 2 cousins that i think would be ok with it because they either have friends that are gay or have told me they've made out with girls(i dont know if its because they're bi or they do just because) but i don't talk much since they live far away.



as for the rest of the relatives, i think some fall also under the whole accepting it but not wanting it or being very happy about it.


As for my friends, my best friends are all either catholic or Jehovah's witnesses and very religious, and i moved away some time ago, so i don't feel like they would take it well, especially since we're not as close now. and at my new school i just haven't made any friends that are close enough for me to tell.

So i guess what im asking is,

for the whole family thing ,can any one tell me any tips on coming out, or hinting about it.
any thing that can help me?


and also, what should i do about my crush, should i just hope it goes away or or do something about it(by this i have no clue what i would do)?

I cant tell if shes bi so i dont even know if i have a chance, and its not like i would want to break her up with her boyfriend if i did have a chance but i still would like to know if theres something i can do to help me??

[nicola]

I used to be on the kitten board all the time a few years ago, mostly round 2002/2003, only posting a little, but always checking in. it was so important to me at the time, Tara and Willow were the biggest reason I was able to come out to myself, suddenly I had role models and through the kitten board, knowledge of the hundreds and hundreds of other people out there, just like me.

Its four years later and I can't belive how little I come. I came out in 2003, to my family, my friends, colleagues. but I still had no gay friends, the girlfriend I came out with had moved away a few months later. I haven't had a relationship since.

I'm terrified still, I hate that I can't be out and proud and comfertable with myself. I hate that I can't seem to get the courage to live. I'm as closed off as I ever was. as scared and unsure. I have social anxiety so socialising is hard at times for me anyway, but finding gay friends, let alone a girlfriend seems to be beyond me. the panic and fear I feel, along with the hatred of myself at feeling this way is overwhelming. I know who I am, what I like, I am happy that I prefer girls. I've come to terms with the contradictions in my identity. (I'm mostly gay, but fancy very few girls, yet I do fancy some boys-esp trannies, go figure. gay/bi on the prefering women side of the fence) I know that there is nothing wrong with this, I know that most people are fine with it, esp when honest and matter of fact about who you are. yet I can't seem to do this. I can't seem to speak about my sexuality, I can't talk about the tv I watch, the girls I like. I'm as closed off as I ever was. and four years later, nothing seems to change. It can't remain like this. I can't remain like this.

sorry about the bleurgh, I just wanted to get it out somewhere safe, and I feel safe on the kitten board. four years ago tara and willow sparked the biggest change in my life. I guess by writing now, I'm trying to be honest with myself again and hoping to spark further change.

guess coming out is not a single dramatic act, but a lifelong process. just because the people in your life know who you are, doesn't mean you won;t have internal struggles to go through. I'd best start addressing mine.

[Gatito Grande]

So, after 45 years on this planet, a couple of weeks ago I FINALLY came out to my mom...

...but it was on her death-bed (and she was mostly out of it).

Oh well---it's done.

GG R.I.P., Mom Out