The Questions and (un)-Answers game

[Candleshoe]

A: Put a paper bag over your head. Works for me...

Q: Why are people so damn rude, sometimes?

[Useful_Oxymoron]

A : Because the government ran out of the happy-drugs they usually used to put in the water.

Q : Why do dogs bother to chase cats if they know the cats run faster than they do?

[inlerf]

A: That's why they do; they don't.

Q: Why are there acquaintances?

[Twisted Minstrel]

A: The Acquaintance Project was developed by the Getting to Know You Committee back in the late 1800s as a way to combat serial 'friendships' amongst young women. There was fear at the time that these idealistic females were becoming 'too close' and might, in that closesness, begin to conceieve of their own ideas and, subsequently, their own society. Such a society would, it was believe, topple the patriarchy and godless chaos would ensue. Thus, the Acquaintance Project was born, as a mean to end all serious 'friendships' amongst women once and for all.

Q: Where's the soap?

[SithLordWiccan]

A: Someone dropped it in the shower.

Q: Are there an infinite amount of parallel universes, or just the two?

[Useful_Oxymoron]

A : Actually, there are three universes. They're called Larry, Curly and Moe. But these are universes built upon infinite stupidity and ineptitude.

Q : If Billie Jean is not Michael Jackson's lover, and the kid is not his son, then who is the father?

[SithLordWiccan]

A: George Bush.

Q: What's the deal with cardboard?

[Sassette]

**SithLordWiccan: I am so glad you asked this! Little known fact: cardboard is the earliest environmentally conscious recycling project in human history. Back in the 1800's, during the western expansion in the United States, European settlers noticed that incomplete decks of playing cards were being left scattered along the trail. Upset by this waste, and having a few inconvenient holes in his wagon, a Norwegian immigrant (whose name, unfortunately, is lost to the mists of time) collected this trash, ground it up, pressed it into what he called 'cardboard', plugged up the holes in his wagon, and went on his way, feeling both brilliant and morally superior. He shared the process with other travellers, and an incomplete deck of cards soon become a 'must have' for the western journey. Eventually, some people made their way west just to pick up the abandoned decks of cards already scattered across the land, for their love of a pristine environment, or for the money they could make selling them to settlers. So, cardboard is what happens to your deck of playing cards when you're lost the Jack of Spades.

**Which makes me wonder ... why is it always the Jack of Spades that I'm missing from my deck of playing cards?

-Sass
who hasn't gotten to spout this much bull**** since her high school english classes

[DelWhicker]

A: Jack of Spades, unlike his cousins Jack of All Trades and Jack from "Jack and Jill" fame, is a rebel and is often found hanging around the blackjack tables in Vegas. If he wasn't a rebel, then we wouldn't have cardboard at all and that wouldn't be a good thing, 'cause how would they get all that crap to the dollar store if it wasn't for those cardboard boxes?

Q: Does it always have to be a big red button?? Why not a purple switch or a blue dial?

[Artemis]

(Miss Shoe: Thanks)

A: Yes, it has to be a big red button. It's a matter of function following form, which happens more than you'd think. Cows, for example - their function is to be cheeseburgers, and so they're available in a form which is, basically, a cheeseburger. Just needing a little bit of shaping. Plus they have legs, so as to move about. And a head and a tail, because having legs isn't much use if they don't have a head, and not having a tail just makes people think "Huh, how come that thar thing dun't have no tail?" And you have to add the cheese. And the burger. Okay, if you want to be pedantic about it, cows aren't a great deal like cheeseburgers, but on the other side, isn't it awfully convenient that you can get a whole lot of cheeseburgers out of a single cow? Huh? Much handier than, say, apples, where you only get one apple's worth of apple in a single apple. Cows are like dozens of cheeseburgers, right there in one cow. That can't just be a coincidence.

Anyway. The point is, the theory is sound - if something looks right for a function, then it'll perform that function.

So obviously, you can't replace a big red button with a purple switch (big or otherwise), or, heaven help us, a blue dial. The purple switch may have a certain degree of redness in its hue, but it's completely lacking in buttonosity, and the blue dial isn't even in the running. No, if you need a manual control mechanism to perform a large, reddish, buttonly function, then a big red button it must be.

Of course if you don't need a big red button, then you can use whatever you like - purple switches, blue dials, bits of wood, flamingoes, the universe... whatever's handy. Little red buttons had their chance, and the world's moved on - there's no place for them now. Get out of it, little red buttons. Your time is over. Have the dignity to go into the long night with your head held high, instead of trying to creep back onto control panels and perform functions which can be done by other controls.

So yes, it has to be a big red button, because that's what big red buttons are for: keeping Santa's shirt pants up. If there weren't big red buttons, his pants might come undone, and who wants to live in a world where some big fat guy with no pants creeps down your chimney and leaves presents for children? Nuh-uh, no thank you. Big red buttons. It's the only way.

Q: Am I always like this at 4am?

[SithLordWiccan]

A: Probably. I wouldn't know. It's certainly better than what I'm like at four in the morning.

Q: Am I just being paranoid, or is the whole world really out to screw me over?

[Twisted Minstrel]

A: Aha! I know the answer to this one! But sorry, not telling. It goes against my personal belief that you should never encourage a paranoic.

Q: Guess whose about to be screwed over by the whole world?

[SithLordWiccan]

A: I don't have to guess. It's been happening since August 2005.

Q: Is it freaky that in the time between this and my last post, I've typed over 1230 words?

[Twisted Minstrel]

A: Not if you take into consideration the number of words that are available to you. In fact, studies have shown that human beings only use about 1/300th of their vocabulary potentional, prefering, instead, to maintain simple lines of communication, i.e: grunts, slang, cursing and what is now commonly referred to as 'txt spk.' In fact, in the time it has taken me to type this, four Armenian journalists have typed a combined total of 18,473 words. In New York, the collected staff of the New York Times has composed roughly 48,302 words (though mostly through 'creative recycling'), and the CNBC has 'creatively borrowed' some 12,235 words. It is less commonly known that for every word we use, another word of equal or greater value is also being used, by a total stranger in a country you have never visisted. If you were set every word available to every tongue on this planet, end on end, it is believed, the final word would not be reachable until the year 4003, somewhere in the Orion belt. The hypothetical shape made by this hypothetical list of words would be identical, point for point, to the shape of the Nile - a belief from which has sprung many religious conspiracy theories, the most prevelant being that Jesus was a member of the Flaming Lips. Personally, I think this idea is a bit radical.

Q: Why oh why does the phone always ring when I'm in the shower?

[Useful_Oxymoron]

A : It's because of the evil aliens who control the phone companies. They like to keep remote track of the people they've experimented on, so they patch their long-range scanners into the phone to keep track of you. And because the chip they implanted in your brain transmits the data best when water is used as a conductor, they prefer to ring when you're in the shower.

Q : Why hasn't William Shatner been crowned King of the World yet?

[umgaynow]

A: Isn't it obvious? is a Republican

Q: Why can't some people take Leave me the %#&$ alone! for an answer?

[Candleshoe]

A: Because, for a large proportion of the world, "%#&$" translates as "Please come in. Have a cup of tea. Would you like a scone?"

Q: Who cut the crossword out of my magazine?

[Auburn]

A: Me because it was distracting you. There are much better things to be doing then trying to figure out that 4 down has nothing to do with 11 across, and that you have the answer wrong to 16 up. Who cares that 11 diagonal has a gimpy leg? What you should be doing is keeping two promises, 1) ice-cream and 2) island.

Q: Why do computer screens flicker when you receive a text message?

[SithLordWiccan]

A: The same reason that your radio frizzes when your phone rings: to drive you completly spare.

Q: What's in a name?

[inlerf]

A: There originally was an apple pie made out of sour oranges fully filling up a name, until along came a spider and cobwebbed all over the pie. Aeons passed, the cobweb dissolved, and the sour orange filling evolved into what modern apple pies are apparently made of--mushy stuff (aka recycled toothpaste spit). Hence, the makers of names decided that apple pie is too good for a name, thus they took it out and marketed it as a delicacy gifted by the Gods (there were 26 of them). So really, now, there's nothing in a name, unless you count those lonely few remaining apple crumbs.

Q: Why do comps restart for no fcking reason?!

[Boschi]

A: They ran out of fcking reasons years ago, and now just do it for fun.

Q: How now brown cow?

[Useful_Oxymoron]

A : Right now? Oh, well done with a bit of galric button on top nestled in a bed of rice will do.

Q : Is it possible, for any other person than Vin Diesel obviously, to win a fist-fight with a T. Rex?

[oneyedchicklet]

A: Yes it is. Rick Moranis when he's in his Seymore Krelborn character from Little Shop of Horrors can do it.

Q: If its my cake, why can't I have it and eat it too?

HUGS
Barb

[Auburn]

A: Ah, that saying was developed by very cunning diet experts, it's aim is to make you feel guilty therefore stop you from giving into temptation and eating the cake. As a punishment for making it in the first place, you have to watch others eat it.

Q: Why is sugar so sweet?

[willowbaby05]

A: Because it's fulled with all the essence of me.

Q: I recently got drunk and had a powerful mood swing. I noticed my sister flirting with my girlfriend. So I hit my sister. Then, the next day I realized I dont have a sister. So who the hell did I hit?!

[Useful_Oxymoron]

A : You actually did hit your sister. You drank so much that you actually broke the boundaries between dimensions and temporarily travelled to a parallel universe where you do have a sister, who did flirt with your girlfriend. The next morning, you had travelled back to your own universe when the alcohol in your body was magically transformed into a hangover. So, while you might got your other self into a bit of trouble, it doesn't really matter because your alternate sister deserved to be hit anyway.

Q : Where do they get the seeds to grow the seedless watermelons?

[FineyMcFine]

A: France

Q: If I have a green thumb, then what color are my fingers?

[SithLordWiccan]

A: It depends. If it's Christmas time, then red. The rest of the times, most likely blue.

Q: What exactly is the show, anyway? And how do I get tickets to it?

[inlerf]

A: A Willow/Tara striptease show that's privy only to the cameras I've hidden there.

Q: Sex or Love?

[Boschi]

A: Both, but strictly on Tuesdays.

Q: What is the capitol of Belgium?