The Questions and (un)-Answers game

[GayNow]

A: Flossing.

Q: Why is the quadratic equation quadratic?

[inlerf]

A: They originally wanted to name it the aquatic equation, because the 2, the square, reminded them of tadpoles. But alas, the equation cannot swim nor float in water; so they added d and r to remind themselves of that fact (because d and r have very high densities), thus producing the quadratic equation.

Q: How do you snuggle?

[Auburn]

A: You drag somebody to bed, get them under the blanket and wrap them up tightly inyour arms until they remind you they need air, then you loosen your grip.... and keep sniffing them. Sniffing is a must.

Q: How come when you smell food you get hungry?

[Candleshoe]

A: The smell wakes the teeny-tiny man in your head that is in charge of making you hungry. He is also in charge of making the gurgling noise that accompanies hunger, but you really don't want to know how he produces the noise.

Q: Why do people wear hats for posh weddings?

[FineyMcFine]

A: Because they're English, dear.

Q: Where are my pants?

[SithLordWiccan]

A: The gnomes got 'em.

Q: The better question, Sally, is what are those gnomes gonna do with them?

[Boschi]

Oh! I know this one. Devil 'em like eggs!

Q: Speaking of tadpoles turn in to frogs, what do lightpoles turn in to?

[oneyedchicklet]

A: LOGS

Q: Why do all phone numbers on TV start with 555? There can only be 9999 phones in each area code. I think.

HUGS
Barb

[Boschi]

A: Fat Tuesday!

Q: What is the air speed velocity of a drop kicked chicken?

[Auburn]

A: Faster than an over weight woman running to the sweet shop

Q: Why do we have so many bones?

[SithLordWiccan]

A: So that there will be more pieces when they break, thus making it easier to find them.

Q: Is there such a thing as "too much smut?"

[Candleshoe]

A: Yes. I know I have read too much smut when I need to lie down....to recuperate, you pervy people!

Q: Why don't Thelma and Louise kiss more often?

[Twisted Minstrel]

A: Following the 'accident' Thelma and Louise both suffered severe brain damage and memory loss. Louise fell under the delusion she was an Oscar-winning Hollywood actress and social activist with three children while Thelma went on to become President of the United States. Rumors have been flying as of late that they may get together for a sequel, as their independent careers have been less than stellar. With screenwriter Joe Esterhaus on board, there is hope for more gratuitous sex and violence. Harvey Keitel is currently in negotiations to co-star. No director has been announced.

Q: Why does the sun go on shining?

[umgaynow]

A: Prozac

Q: Why can't I parallel park to save my life?

[Boschi]

A: Doesn't work that way - when your time's up, your time's up.

Q: Do citrus fruits have odd or even numbers of sections?

[FineyMcFine]

A: I think citrus fruits are a little odd, in general. Except for the X-men variety of citrus fruits, which are mutants and thus have an even number of sections. But no, fruits have, um, sprial symmetry? Bilateral? Radial? Which means they should have an even number of sections, unless they're mutants, and thus odd. But that's mutant discrimination. And we need a national nonprofit organization working for mutant rights.

I think my brain just exploded.

Q: Why do they call it "gray matter"? All the brains I have ever seen have looked pink.

[watty]

A: hee, Sallypants, it's grey matter. The brains you saw must have been freshly extracted from their host, virginal and unused. Brains need to be washed 63 times a day, because they have a clean fetish. And with so many washes, no amount of bleach can prevent the pink colour from running.

Q: Is it possible to be jealous of god?
[br]

[Auburn]

A: Yes, God knows what women want. Even women don't know what women want, so jealousness is inevitable!

Q: Is there such a thing as bad dancing?

[Candleshoe]

A: Yes. My Dad at my 18th birthday party. Now that was bad dancing. He looked like a penguin in a salad spinner.

Q: Who on earth calls their child Davinia, these days?

[Auburn]

A: People who had a grandmother named Davinia.

Q: Why do pens never work when you need them to?!

[Artemis]

A: It's a secret conspiracy (as opposed to a public conspiracy) instigated by Charles Darwin, who accidentally stumbled across the fountain of youth on his voyages, and has been guiding the evolution of humankind ever since.

See, Necessity is the mother of Invention. We're not sure who the father was, because Necessity slept with him at a party, and didn't get his name, though she thinks it may have been Potentiality. Then again, when she's in a pessimistic mood, she suspects it may have been Bloody-Mindedness, because a lot of the stuff Invention comes up with has that kind of quality to it - just ask the patent office.

Anyway. Evolution is a kind of invention. It's one of the marvels of nature, albeit a somewhat haphazard marvel, given that it's really kind of like playing poker without looking at your cards, on the basis that you're going to randomly produce a full house sooner or later, and evolution doesn't give a damn how much money it loses in the meantime. To translate, for 'full house' read 'intelligent species', and for 'lost money' read 'platypus', 'lemming', or 'human being'. Basically, when confronted with a problem, evolution will just try random stuff until something works. For instance: ice age? Let's try webbed feet. No? Venom sacs. Damn. Camouflage, if the ice can't see you, it can't freeze... oh. Okay, never mind. Um, how about fur? Awesome! Fur it is, then. That's evolution for you, which is why it takes millions of years to work.

The thing is, if there's no Necessity, there's no Invention (well, obviously - I mean, it's easy for the father to run away before the birth, but it's trickier for the mother to avoid). If the Earth never got cold, there wouldn't be furry creatures. If the Earth never got hot, there wouldn't be sun-tan lotion and bikinis. If the Earth never got laid, we wouldn't need a condom six and a half thousand kilometres across - just as well that hasn't happened yet, really. But if you see one in a pharmacy somewhere, pick it up, just in case. You can't be too careful.

The plan being implemented by the ever-youthful Darwin and his Evolution Ninjas is to create more necessities, to improve the human race. Thus the teams of stealth neurosurgeons who creep into would-be politicians bedrooms at night and perform amateur lobotomies - one day, evolution will work out a way to get by without politicians at all. And that's why the Evolution Ninjas (aeronautical engineering division) ensure that aircraft seats are uncomfortable, the food tastes bad, and the in-flight movies are dull - so we'll learn to fly on our own. And, of course, why pens don't work when you need them to - so you'll develop a better memory.

It has been noted, frequently, that Darwin is a bit of a bastard. But that's the price for having the Darwin Awards - you can't have just the funny end of the natural-selection-tough-love scale.

Q: Just because you put a question mark at the end of the sentence, that doesn't really make it a question? Or does it...

[Twisted Minstrel]

A: You've got it rigt, Artemis. The 'question mark' or interrogation point is, historically-speaking just a short, curved line with a dot at the bottom. This symbol was first designed by a Franciscan friar in the early 9th century while deep in thought, contemplating a new method for calculating percentages. It is believed that he wrote this symbol over and over on a piece of parchment while he mused, and was later reprimanded by his abbot for sloppy handwriting and, as punishment, was sent overland to the Brittanic isles where he achieved some fame (and weight) as friar to a band of Saxon outlaws.

The friar's manuscript disappeared from sight for nearly 80 years, before it was discovered again by the adolescent son of a local magistrate who had been sent to the monastery by his father in order to curb his Onanistic tendencies. The boy had found his way to the abbott's secret library, in a well-rewarded search for something racy, when he stumbled upon the document with the strange symbol written all over it. The image terrified him so deeply he renounced his debauched behavior and spent the remainder of his life adding the symbol to the end of every sentence he wrote in his memoirs.

The untitled memoirs, 96 in all, were sealed in an underground vault somewhere in Rome - historians believe that site to be Giuseppe's Bakery at 32 Via Merulana. The mythos and mystery surrounding these memoirs became the subject of much theological debate, especially among theologians. A papal bull announced the symbol as heretical and its use forbidden - an act which only led to its increasing use, especially amongst those who had never heard of it before.

Thus, the '?' became a symbol of rebellion and its future as a grammatical mistake assured.

As an interesting footnote, it wasn't until the renowned musician and historian Victor Borge released his treatise 'Phonetic Punctuation' in the mid-20th century, that the world finally understood what the '?' fully represented, and how it should be pronounced.

Also of note, many believe the music of 60's punk band ? and the Mysterians was heavily influenced by the legend of the 96 memoirs and made a vague reference to them in their one and only hit, '96 Tears' - a song whose lyrics at no point used the '?' symbol.


Q: Why does the sea rush to shore?

[SithLordWiccan]

A: Because it wants to take its sweet ass time. It's not like it has anywhere else to be, right?

Q: Where exactly is the fifth dimension, and how can I get bus fare to get there?

[dynigirl]

A The fifth dimention is the tube stop between Tottenham Court Road and Oxford Circus on the Central line. You can only get there on the 4th sunday in the 13th month after your last birthday with an oyster card you bought on the previous friday.

Q Why does you mind go blank when are put on the spot?

[Auburn]

A: I can't remember.

Q: Why does it always rain in England?

[Candleshoe]

A: Because otherwise we'd have nothing to talk about, apart from how awful Big Brother is.

Q: Why would a person ring a chatline to talk to "Saucy Susan from Brighton who is doing a sexy striptease just for you"? Do they not realise it's likely to be a housewife from Milton Keynes in a baggy jumper?

[watty]

A: Because they're delusional. Oh, wait (un)-answer. Right. Because they want to ride in pink Cadillacs.

Q: Who took the colour out from white asparagus?
[br]

[FineyMcFine]

A: They're hoping instead to get a slightly dull* lawyer from Warwickshire in an, um, *runs off to check the What Are You Wearing? thread*, lilac T-shirt and black trousers.

A: part 2 for wattypants: it was Bunnicula!

Q: Is it called Warwick, or Warwickshire? And what is the difference?

*I don't think you're dull

[Candleshoe]

A: Neither - It's called Dulltown by all who have ever visited.

Q: Why am I still awake?

PS: Warwick is the county town of Warwickshire, like Austin is the state capital of Texas. Only smaller. Much, much smaller.

[Twisted Minstrel]

A: Glad you asked. You have been experiencing what is known in scientific circles as 'wakefulness.' 'Wakefulness' is a condition wherein the person experiencing it remains alert and conscious for a period that rarely exceeds fourteen hours. Wakefulness is a chronic, untreatable condition; you were likely born with it, though there are a few for whom 'wakefulness' comes much later in life (men in particular are the most commonly affected). There are benefits to wakefulness, including the ability to participate in various daliy activities, including eating, walking, reading, speaking, origami and sex.

It is largely believed that the daily benefits of wakefulness far exceed the adverse symptoms- which often include (but are not limited to): cramps, bloating, nausea, frequent and sometimes painful urination, hot flashes, price fixing, body lice, voodoo curses, paper cuts, downsizing, upgrading, Republicanism, bad hair days and paranoia.

Q: What happens if the plot doesn't thicken?