Ridiculous Conversations

[Laragh]

Oh Jordz...

[Finey_McFine]

Here's some cute 'Jordan-isms' from 3-5 years old:

J: What are you doing in there Mama?
ME: Getting ready to take a shower.
J: Can I come in?
ME: In a second.
J: It's ok if you get naked, I won't laugh.

J: Mama, here's a little chair for you. It's for when you get little again. You know, when you don't eat your veggies anymore.

Friend: Hey Jordan, how old are you?
J: I'm 5 and a half, and on my next birthday I'll be whole.

J: Hey mama! I can hear voices in my head? Can you hear them too?
ME: No, I can't. Can you make them louder?
J: constipated facial expression; face turning red. How about now?
ME: Still can't hear them...louder!

[CrazyTaraWitch]

Best friend: I've been forgetting the date all day
Me: Oh shoot! I cared about today's date.
Her: Why, is it a Whovian day or something?

...I seriously love that she knows this well. (It is, in fact, the 9th anniversary of the first episode of New Who.)

[CrazyTaraWitch]

My dad: I'm facebook friends with L M--you know who that is right?
Me: ...Yes, she's my aunt, I know who she is.


Wtf, did he actually think I don't know the name of his brother's ex-wife? They were married until I was 15!

[JustSkipIt]

This is more a ridiculous situation than a ridiculous conversation:

So my in-laws are like 89 and 84. They live on a ranch up in East Texas and they are starting to have health issues and they have way too many fucking animals. They have like 100-150 miniature horses and a bunch of goats and 97 kbillion cats and chickens and guneaus and shit I don't know what else. And they have like 4 dogs that live in their house and then some dogs out in the dog runs. They are like compulsive pet people. A few years ago we took 2 puppies off their hands because one of their inside dogs had puppies which they didn't even know she was pregnant until my MIL walked in the room and there were 2 puppies on the couch. We didn't particularly wants 2 puppies or that kind of puppy but we wanted to help out. So now we have these two (very stupid) puppies that I'm not terribly fond of in addition to our 15 year old dog who I love completely and a cat and now a fish.

One of the dogs in the outside runs in a wonderful and brilliant and sweet and smart Australian shepherd who is like 6 or 7 years old and the last time that Rachel was up there she called and said that maybe she would bring Tillie home. My only worry was that we would really need to commit to getting Tillie enough exercise every day but that she should probably bring her home next month.

So yesterday Rachel's mother called and said that her father just realized that we're talking about taking Tillie and that's unacceptable and he doesn't want us to take her etc.

Punchline: But her mom feels bad that we won't get Tillie so she found us a great 8 week old Red Setter puppy and she can get it for us this weekend! Talk about missing the point. We don't want or need another dog. We just want to help out her folks and Tillie!

[Finey_McFine]

A fight between me and my 16 yr old nephew.

ME: I'm ordering pizza for dinner tonight, but you're not getting any until your room is clean.
JESSE: FINE! *storms off*
Twenty minutes passes and I hear nothing going on upstairs, which means he's sitting on his ass playing Xbox and ignoring me. So, I call him to come downstairs.

ME: How's the cleaning going?
JESSE: *raises his voice* There's no way I'm going to get it done in time.
ME: Well, I suggest you at least try and putting down the game controller would be a good start.
JESSE: *screams at the top of his lungs, which means he's totally guilty* I WASN'T PLAYING VIDEO GAMES!!!
*He stormed off so I followed him up to his room*
ME: Exactly what makes you think it's ok to scream at me?
JESSE: I just don't know what you want from me! I don't even know how to clean this room and it's never up to your standards anyway!
*I almost burst out laughing at this point and give him a long winded lecture. I won't bore you with the details*
ME: By the way, don't you have something to say to me? Like,maybe an apology for your rotten behavior?
JESSE: JUST FORGET IT!! I DON'T WANT THE FUCKING PIZZA ANYWAY!!!!!!!!
ME: Ok, fine. No pizza for you.
JESSE: *I closed the door while he continued to scream* FINE!! I HATE MY LIFE ANYWAY!! IT SUCKS!! MAYBE I'LL JUST KILL MYSELF INSTEAD?!?!?!?!
ME: Ok, but make sure you clean your room first. I don't want the cops coming up here with your room looking like this.

90 minutes later...room cleaned, shower taken, laundry in progress and an apology. All hail the power of pizza. For the record, he's been using the suicide line since he was 6 (my mom fell for it every time; I don't) Plus, if he even gets so much as a paper cut, he screams so loud you'd think he got stabbed in the eye with a hot poker. Which incidentally, is the same 'bloody murder scream' he used when he got his hair washed as a child. One time a neighbor knocked on the door to make sure everything was ok...they heard him 4 houses away.

[Finey_McFine]

Here we go again...warning: "Jordan-isms" ahead!

J: Hey Moms, guess what?
Us: What?
J: I found out my summer reading today.
Us: Oh you mean the book you buy at the beginning of the summer, never so much as crack open and then try to read the night before school starts?
J: Hardy har...yeah that's the one.
Us: Ok, so what is the book this year?
J: Fahrenheit 451, by some guy named after a candy.
Us: OMG Jordan! It's Bradbury, Ray Bradbury...not CADBURY!
J: (shrugs shoulders) Close enough. Did you guys read it in high school?
Us: Yep, but I don't remember all that much about it.
J: It takes place in the future. Firefighters burn books instead of fighting fires. It's an Ethiopian society.
Us: (we glance at each other and snicker) So, the setting is in a small African country?
J: No! I already said it all happens in the future.
Us: And apparently in Ethiopia.
J: Mom!
Us: Ok fine...sorry. I think you mean UTOPIAN society.
J: Oh, yeah...whatever.

[Laragh]

J: It takes place in the future. Firefighters burn books instead of fighting fires. It's an Ethiopian society.

[JustSkipIt]

For the sake of... whatever it's for the sake of.. let's assume its a dys-utopian society.

[Finey_McFine]

A conversation between my 16 yr old nephew and I:

JESSE: Hey, I just wanted to let you know that both light switches in the hall upstairs are broken.
ME: What makes you think they're broken?
JESSE: Well, I tried them both and neither are working. They worked yesterday and now...nothing.
ME: Hmm, that's odd that BOTH would just randomly break at the same time.
JESSE: I'm sure it's electrical, you see they're both on the same line so they can operate the same light simultaneously... (He continued on lecturing me for at least 10 minutes,as if he were a certified electrician; telling me exactly what needed to be done, etc)
ME: Huh, well I think I'll just try to fix it myself.
JESSE: I don't think that's a good idea, you could electrocute yourself or cause a fire in the wall.
ME: and you don't think there could be ANY OTHER CAUSE?
JESSE: Nope, you definitely need to call someone out to fix it.
ME: (Goes upstairs and grabs step ladder and new bulb. Changes bulb, flips "broken" switch...light works.) Hey Jesse, come up here!
JESSE: What's up?
ME: Flip the switch. (Light miraculously comes on & he looks puzzled) See that new fangled invention up there? It's called a light bulb. They burn out, you replace them.
JESSE: Huh, that never occurred to me.

SMH, FML, ECT.

[CrazyTaraWitch]

Shelby, the ridiculous conversations from your adventures in parenting never fail to make me laugh. Thanks for spreading the humor!

[Finey_McFine]

Jas, I'm glad you enjoy them:) There is never a dull moment with these kids, that's for sure.

So, here's a good one between me and someone on the phone today. This lady wanted to book a photo session for her kid and just couldn't understand the pricing...


CONFUSED LADY: I just don't get the pricing. Can you PLEASE explain it again?
ME: Yes Ma'am, the session you're looking at is four outfits and the session fee covers those outfits. It does not include any printed or digital products.
CL: I understand that, but not the other thing.
ME: What other thing?
CL: I have the flyer right here and I don't understand the "Texas Session Fee."
ME: Um, where exactly do you see that?
CL: Right after the price. I mean, how do you get away with charging some made up thing? Ya'll are just trying to trick us into paying more money! How do you sleep at night!?
ME: Ma'am I have no idea what you're talking about, but if you'll give me a minute, I'll grab the flyer and maybe I can clarify that for you. Okay, I have it here. Are you talking about the part right after the price that says "+tx?"
CL: Yes.
ME: Ma'am that's plus tax.
CL: Oh, well then you really need to spell it out because it's VERY confusing.
ME:

[JustSkipIt]

Shel - That's fantastic. But if you think about it a large part of it is a Texas fee! I mean there are city and county taxes but the biggest part of sales tax is the state tax. Too awesome.

[JustSkipIt]

My wife is explaining to her parents and sister that if theyhad decent internet they could use Netflix and their Kindle etc. It is absurd. Highlights include her asking what type of ISP they have and her father responding that they have Wi-Fi.

[JustSkipIt]

Yesterday morning I got up long before my wife as usual. Had a banana, got dressed for working out, and gave our son his first meds (he has to take them then wait 30 minutes to eat). Before leaving I told him I was going to ride my bike, that it was 7:55, and to wake Rachel at 8:30 for breakfast. Then I went and told Chiara that I was going to ride. And I texted Rachel that I was riding.

Rachel wakes up...

Comes out of the bedroom and asks Asher where I am. He thinks about it. "I think she and Chiara went to get breakfast tacos."

After a while she went and found Chiara so she knew that wasn't right. Eventually she turned on her phone and got the message.

Way to focus, Ash...

[Finey_McFine]

Chatting Jordan and her BFF Brittany...

J: Yeah, Britt deletes all her text conversations.
B: That's because there are things I don't want my mom to see, plus they take up too much memory on my phone.
J: Well I have like 3000 and it only uses a few grams.
ME: Grams?
J: Yeah, only a few grams of space.
B: I don't have a ton of memory, so I need all the grams I can get.
ME: You mean bytes?
J: No, the smaller ones. Aren't they called 'miligrams'?
ME: SMH You mean kilobytes?
B: No, she means the tiny ones...miligrams.
ME: So a pharmacist is filling your phones?
J&B: Huh?

[_Salix_]

My best friend (for, like, 2 years now) was Skyping me last weekend. We are at the "honeymoon" stage still and I'm sure we're staying there forever. So the words "love" and "you" may have been entered into one of my babbles.

ME: ...that's why I love you
ME: I mean, not in a weird way.
LEXI: Sallie, I think we're at the stage in out relationship where we can say "I love you" without having to say "not in a gay way"
ME: Yeah, I guess so. Love you!
LEXI: Love you, too!

Not really ridiculous, I guess. Here's a funny one.

(IM conversation)

LEXI: Blair-bear? You here? (One of my many pseudonyms is Jenna Blair)
ME: Blair-bear? Now I feel bad. I don't have a cute nickname for you. :(
LEXI: Yeah you do. Remember Swan?
ME: OH YEAH! My little Hahn-Swan (Her last name is Hahn)

Later (Maybe earlier, time is all mixed together) I was babbling to myself, 'cause it was 11:30 and I was insane.

ME: I actually hung up! I mean, we said 'bye and everything, but I never hang up! She always hangs up first. Every time we talk, I get scared we'll have to do that "No, you hang up first!" thing. I NEVER hang up! We usually just sit in silence for, like, 10 minutes before one of us gets too sleepy to live anymore, which is never, really. I hung up! I feel bad. Why do I feel bad? I guess I don't. What if she was gonna say bye again? You never know, really... *looks over shoulder* Oh, hey, Dad. Did I really just say that out loud?
DAD: I'm curious. I kinda wanna know what else you say when you think no one is listening...
ME: It's late. She's Lexi. Don't judge.
DAD: Uh... G'night. Please get some sleep.

[CrazyTaraWitch]

This is more of a ridiculous moment than a conversation, but it was ...interesting.

It was discovered today that I (apparently) have a great jugular vein. My lab partner and the pair next to us discovered it, so then one of them drew the teacher over to show her. A couple other classmates came over to see what was up. Soon my teacher was inviting the entire class to come look at my vein, while I just lay there for a good ten minutes. Finally the teacher leaned down and whispered, "Careful, next thing you know they'll give you a pap smear!"

[Laragh]

Overheard on the street:

Random Woman #1: "I'm off to Spain in a few weeks, I can't wait."

Random Woman #2: "Oh lovely, which part?"

Random Woman #1: "Portugal."

[Finey_McFine]

Laragh- That was...awesome, lol.

A text conversation with my wife...

Wife: Today Jesse told me he's been out of lunch money for a week, since Monday.
Me: Seriously? I just gave him $20 a few days before that!
Wife: Well, he's out...again. I guess he's been eating breakfast at home, again at school and then a double lunch. Did you get a call?
Me: I did for Jordan, but not for Jesse.
Wife: Did she ask for money?
Me: No, she forgot to ask and grabbed $20 from my wallet Friday morning. I guess she was running late to catch the bus and didn't have time to come up and ask. At least she told me about it, I didn't even notice, lol.
Wife: Well, I guess ya better hide yo wallet, hide yo money...cuz the kids are stealin' from everyone up in here!
Me: -_-

[_Salix_]

So, I was over at my cousins place last night. I'm the only girl, so naturally they don't get half of the things I say. This time, though, I said something NOBODY understood. Not even my aunt Wendi. Damn it, why do I have to be so strange?

Backstory: I was playing Minecraft with my buddy Deaton when I decided to build a big brown box. Why? I dunno. Oh, and we have different last names, so they call me by my last name.

TYLER: Yo, Will. Whatcha doin'?
ME: Playing Minecraft.
TYLER: What are you doing on Minecraft?
ME: I'm building a rainbow. Except it's not a rainbow. It's a box.

He just stared at me like I was insane. Which I was. So my nickname is rainbow. Here's another thing my cousins say.

DEATON: Can we play Wii Tennis?
ME: No, honey. I'm tired.
DEATON: Pretty pretty please?
ME: I'm sleepy!
DEATON: Fine. Tyler, can we play Wii Tennis?
TYLER: Not now.
DEATON: Why not?
TYLER: I'm... uh... texting my girlfriend.
DEATON: No you're not.
TYLER: Why do you think that?
DEATON: Because you suck and your girlfriend broke up with you last week
TYLER: *silent for a minute* Get the damn controller.

Deaton Is 10. Tyler is 14.

[_Salix_]

Another one... Sorry for the double post. My baby girl Elena was over this weekend. She'll say the darnedest things...

Backstory: We watch this little kids show called "Daniel Tiger's Neighborhood." Heard of it? They play these little songs. One of them goes "When you're feeling frustrated, take a step back and ask for help. Mommy, will you help me?"

Oh, and Elena is two.


Elena: I'm REALLY frustrated.
Me: Remember, baby, when you're feeling frustrated, take a step back and ask for help!
Elena: I DON'T WANNA TAKE A STEP BACK!

Here's another one. Backstory: Elena, for some reason, always says "I wanna turkey sandwich! We don't know why. She just does. And she really hates turkey sandwiches...it's strange.

We were at the zoo, looking at the bears. She calls all bears "polar bears."


Me: Baby, let's go look at the penguins!
Elena: No.
Me: Honey, we have to go.
Elena: I wanna turkey sandwich.
Me: Okay, Laney. We'll get you one, okay?
Elena: No!
Me: What do you want?
Elena: I wanna turkey sandwich!!!
Me: If you come here, I'll get you one.
Elena: No! I WANNA POLAR BEAR SANDWICH!!!

She now says that with everything. She wants the remote? "I wanna remote sandwich!!" She wants the TV? "I wanna TV sandwich!" She's the cutest thing...

[deirdreb1122]

Lol, 2-year-olds are awesome! Except when they are your own 2-year-olds living in your house. Then they are just exhausting.

[deirdreb1122]

My wife arguing with CJ, the 7-year-old, after he's taken the boy-version of a shower:
(Btw, our retriever-mix is named Molly)

Christy: CJ, I can tell you didn't use shampoo, because you smell like a wet dog!
CJ: That's okay, because then I'll smell like Molly, and she would be a better sister than either Sadie or Josie! Oh! Oh! Also, the girls at school will leave me alone and only boys will want to play with me, 'cause boys like the smell of wet dogs and girls don't!

This was followed by Christy bodily putting the boy-child back into the shower and washing his hair for him.

[CrazyTaraWitch]

I went to a support group tonight that included a lengthy conversation about Sonic the hedgehog smut.

[LouCy]

My cousin Adam ( having just been to Rome) - mum I think I want to paint my bedroom ceiling
My aunty - really? What colour would you paint it?
My cousin - I'd love it painted like the 'sixteenth' chapel

My aunty - ...... Do you mean the Sistine Chapel?

[_Salix_]

I was over at my cousin's place again and this happened. I'm such a band geek. (hashtag band geek pride) Warning, my cousin says inappropriate things, as we all do. So I'd give this comment a "PG-13" rating. Just a warning.


Tyler: ...so Deaton runs up to me and says "SURPRISE!"

Me: Oh! This one time at band camp, I played all the way through Surprise Symphony without messing up!

Tyler: That's nice.

Me: And this one time at band camp, I found a mouse. So...I brought it home and named it Alyson Hannigan.

Tyler: Uh...

Me: Oh! And this one time at band camp-

Tyler: *cuts me off* You stuck a flute in your pussy?

Me: Shut up.

Tyler: Just havin' a little fun...Michelle.

Me: No. (I could tell he was just teasing)

Tyler: Okay...flute fetish.

Me: (decides to play along) You smell really bad!

Tyler: *looks at me in a funny way, then realizes what I'm quoting*

Me: No...I smell really bad! And I wanna shower!


So we both start laughing uncontrollably, then never mention it again because neither of us were allowed to watch American Pie.

[Finey_McFine]

For those of you with kids, here's a quick glimpse of 'the teen years...'

J: Tee hee hee...
ME: What?
J: Nothing, I just think you look 'cute' in that track suit.
ME: It's not a 'track suit,' it's sweats. I was cold!
J: Geez, don't get your track pants in a bunch, Mom.
ME:
J: *giggling* I was just picturing you as one of those old ladies wearing a track suit, power walking with a shake weight.
ME:
J: Never mind, you're a lesbian...forget that whole shake weight thing.

[_Salix_]

Elena, my 2 year old cousin, said this to me the other day.

ME: Sweetie, do you wanna play outside?
E: Um...baby? I watching football.

What have we been saying to this child?

[Finey_McFine]

Time for another installment of...Jordan Speaks Misspeaks!!

ME: Hey- did you talk to your English teacher about that test you got a zero on when you were out sick?
J: Yeah, I did a retake today after school.
ME: Oh, that's good. How'd it go?
J: Fine, since I'm 95% sure I already took it and she lost it the first time around.
ME: Did you tell her you thought you already took it?
J: No, I didn't have the heart to argue with her. She's been out all week having autopsy's done.
ME: Uhhh, what exactly do you mean?
J: Well, they think she may have skin cancer, so she had to have all these tests, you know, autopsy's? Anyway, she was pretty upset and frazzled.
ME: I'd be upset and frazzled too if I had to have an autopsy and then go right back to work.
J: Me too.
*awkward pause*
ME: So, you're teacher's a zombie?
J: What?
ME: Well, an autopsy is something that is done after you die. So, unless your English teacher is a zombie, I don't think she had an autopsy.
J: *sighs* Mom, you know what I mean.
ME: Not really.
J: The cancer tests...I know it ends in 'o-p-s-y.'
ME: Biopsy?
J: See, you know what I mean.