The Lesbian/Gay/Bi/Trans/Questioning/Issues Thread

[Heyjupiter]

Hello kittens! I registered just so i could post on this board and tell you My story...for what it's worth. i am 22 and realized a few years that I had feelings for women as well as men...strange thing i didn't realize this earlier though. maybe it took the semi buzzing random makeout session at a downtown Houston bar with a very attractive fem to come to my senses... but i think i always had an inkling. the thing is...I have always been attracted to men...but for some reason or another always had a hard time acting on those feelings...or even being physical with them once we passed the "just friends " mark...

yet at the same time I was always extremely close emotionally and physically with my female friends. I figured this might be because i have only sisters...but i know now that is not the case. once i admitted it to myself it was easy for everything else to fall into place mentally...



I told three of my friends last month...one of them i had shared my feelings with a few years back since we both had feelings for M and W...but the other two have alwasy been a bit homophobic...so telling them was relieving yet scary. A few beers later....they took it well. A few weeks later i regretted telling them since it seemed whenever they would make gay jokes they would quickly stop laughing or do the whole..."oh i forgot"! thing But being the honest person i am...i confronted one of them (friends for 16 years and we are only 22) and said i regretted telling them and never should have. She got upset and said i am over analyzing it and that my sexuality be it straight or bi does not mean anything to our friendship...i feel better now . Except for when she asks if i am attracted to our friends...how lame!!



I also told the sister whom i live with...we mentioned it once and haven't since... I know i will never tell my parents and my other two sisters unless i were to meet a woman i was real serious about...or even A woman period. Otherwise they would not take me seriously and i would not have any "proof" for them since i have never been with a man OR a woman sexually...they would think i was just CONFUSED. Same thing with my co workers...no one comes out and says " i am hetero" so why should they need to know about my sexuality? I am comfortablewith who i am and will share it with those who are important in my life...I have yet to meet a nice girl I would date...but i have patience!!! Anyone know any available women? Thanks for this board and all the similar stories.... can't wait to read more! OH! and i also am dreading but can't wait for tonight's episode!!!! till next time!!

[iccle eve]

Hey Jupiter someone else who finds some of their friends unappropriatly attractive, i thought it was just me.

luv eve xxxx

[Heyjupiter]

Well, i don't find them attractive...well of course pretty ...all my friends are pretty but i feel for them as sisters. My best friend alejandra was just being weird girl and asking me, "do you think so and so is attractive? what about my sister"? the nerve...why i oughta!...

[TirelessWorker]

Just thought I post here as I saw this



cbc.ca/cgi-bin/templates/...layout=MSN



and it just made me so happy! Public Catholic education has been discriminating on the bases of sexual orientation for years, and it's about time the courts said that it's wrong.



Public funds == public rules!! And the Canadian constitution forbids descrimination based on sexual orientation.



Having been in the public catholic education system, and knowing how hard it was to be gay there. (guilt, shame, etc etc) ... hopefully this case will give gay students more confidence to come out...

[fairydust]

Hey I just wanna say that this thread is great. Everyone has such great replies and input. Its wonderful to read opinions and personal accounts from others.



I only wish I was comfortable enough to come out to everyone at school and my very strict catholic grandparents(im their only grandchild who isnt catholic, Im Methodist). But I have told my sisters and their spouses and my brother and his girlfriend. I have also told my parents and some counselors and what not, but it would be nice to still not have to hide from a good chunk of the world.



Sometimes it gets so hard to find the strength to just be me, and not hide completely. I cant wait for my last years of high school to be over so I can move away.



People at my school always ask me if Im gay, cause of my obsession with and but I never give them a straight answer(edited to add I didnt notice that little inadvertant joke there )I usually avoid the answer or change the subject, I wish i wasnt so scared to just tell everyone. Because I really dont care about their opinions. Ive told the ones I love, and they accept me completely, no questions asked. Thats all I really care about.



I love comming to this board so I can find new sites to read and hear from all you guys on important issues. In some odd way, it makes me feel less alone

*****Faye*****See ya later Squidinater

Edited by: fairydust  at: 5/10/02 6:11:01 pm

[iccle eve]

Hey Jupiter

friends can say the silliest things at times. Mine do it because theyre intrigued. it makes me giggle

luv evexxxx

Willow "when i look at what you've been through, it makes me proud. it makes me love you more."

[Lola19]

Hi everyone

I think this is a great thread, u all meke people feel so much better about themselves. I dont post often on the bored, im a bit shy but today i think i should to get a few things off my chest. Iv been going throught he same problem for 5years now but i have finally accepted that i am gay. Over the past year or so tho its been really hard. Im getting to the stage that i want to mive on and meet someone but its the whole coming out that scares me. I have only ever told one person, shes a close friend and although she was shocked, she's been a rock for me and always been a big support. I know my parents would be shocked, i know they would support me but i still cant bring myself to tell them. I still find it really scary to talk about and even as i write this im shaking. I would love to tell my 3 best friends also om really scared of how they would take it and dont want to lose them. Its back to the same thing i read before, I want to move on and find someone and tell everyone but i cant really move on without telling people. Anyway i just had to get that off my chest, if any of u lovely people have any advice ( or hugs ) it would be greatly appreciated.



Love Lola xxx

[La]

We always have hugs on the kitten board.



*gathers Lola in a big huge hug, and pulls in anyone else who needs one as well*



It sounds like you have one person so far who knows and supports you, which is wonderful, so use her as your support as you tell other people. You can also use us as support, we'll also always be here for you.



Just take it slowly and only move as quickly as you fell comfortable. Good Luck!

~La

You know you've been in Korea too long when you see a random weed growing in the crack of the sidewalk, and consider pulling it out and bringing it home for your host mother to use in that night's dinner.

[BXWG421]

Hey, I need some advice! I'm a male college student, and I'm coming to terms with the fact that I'm gay. I have told a few friends; however, I've become really good friends with this one guy, and I've only recently found out that he's homophobic.



Earlier, he and I had been best friends along with this one female friend. When I told her that I'm gay, there was a period of time where she seemed to be avoiding me (she has since reassured me that she accepts it); that, along with a bad family situation at home, made this guy friend seem to be the only person who cared about me. If you take away his homophobia, we have a really good friendship. (And while he is attractive, I'm not attracted to him because of the whole homophobia deal).



What makes it worse is that he's totally convinced that I'm straight and in love with Sarah Michelle Gellar because I watch Buffy and I have a poster in my room. In fact, I'm almost getting a reputation among a few people for "being in love with Buffy." Whenever he says something about that, I just smile and shrug. We both live on the same floor in our dorm, and I don't want to come out while we would see each other every day. My current plan is to last throughout the end of the year just enjoying the friendship and knowing that it will probably end. I will then be more open about my sexuality next fall, when classes resume. He has said that if one of his friends came out, he would have to decide between "losing that friendship and being around something he didn't like."



So, what do you think I should do? Am I making the right decision by waiting? I do have some hope that we could be friends, but it seems like it would be easier for myself to wait until the fall. At the same time, I can "pass" as straight, but that makes me feel guilty that I'm misleading people and uncomfortable whenever my assumed straight sexuality is brought up. Any advice?



Thanks,

BXWG421

[La]

I don't think there is anything wrong with keeping your sexual orientation "hidden" in order to keep things more comfortable now. There's absolutely nothing wrong with waiting out the school year. You need to do what makes you comfortable. If you're uncomfortable hiding who you are, then don't, but there's nothing wrong with waiting.



Since your friend has never had a friend who's come out to him, and since it sounds like you're pretty close, hopefully when/if you come out to him, though he may have some issues at first, he'll come to terms with it, and it may even teach him a thing or two.



That, of course, is all my opinion, and someone else may have some better advice to contribute.



Good luck!

~La

You know you've been in Korea too long when you see a random weed growing in the crack of the sidewalk, and consider pulling it out and bringing it home for your host mother to use in that night's dinner.

[slayer747]

well, this reply may seem a little... harsh--uhm, no much mellower than that, but it's 3am... i'd rather post than waste my time searching for adjectives ...





i don't think any of us should be pressured to come out. and i agree with the poster/post above me that says, if hiding helps, then so be it (or something to that effect)... i mean, what's the big fuss? homosexuality is a part of nature, and we don't have to explain things that come naturally to us! tell me has anyone ever heard this conversation:



teen: Mom, Dad, let's sit... I have to tell you something...

mom/dad: oh, what is it honey...

teen: don't freak but...

mom/dad: what?

teen: mom, dad... i'm straight!



i don't think anyone has (unless maybe in mars or somewhere... or hawaii -- no pun intended-- random mention of hawaii)



so if they're bothered with you being gay... that's their problem. not yours.

Edited by: Warduke at: 5/16/02 11:50:28 am

[littlemisshers]

Promblem 1

Well i have nice story that falls apart.....

I few days after my b/d a very close freind came out to me and when she did i addmitted something....That i really fancied her so one thing led to another and we became g/fs and dance partners it wen roky but it always went back after a few days I was the happiest i have ever been in a very long time and then i made a mistake i broke a promise to her. I told my best freind about us going out together he the told my g/f and she flipped and ended it comepletly and then On xmas eve mum read MY e-mails and found one that was to samaritans and was discussing my suicide attempts and it basically said it was because of being picked on at school for rumours of lesbianism.... but what i didn't mention was i was depressed over me being so stupud. This bit is funny - mum is supported and she always talks to me about it best line was is it cuz your scared of sex)

O.k back on track again me and my ex ae now on freind status but now i cry when she hugz me I just don't want to let go EVER I love her so much.

So thats problem one has anyone got any advice?

Problm 2 is a boy at school is being really creepy and keeps putting his arm around me and ew i really dnt like him at all! But how do I let him down gentally without saying I'm a lesbian and i hate you coming near me ??>???

Please help

a very desperate Hayley

(sorry for spellings it's late)

[skittles]

Hi, Hayley, just two suggestions:



when the boy puts his arm around you, especially around your back waist, knock it off.. you don't have to make a big deal, but get it off of you..



second, tell a teacher or a counselor that he is touching you & you don't like it & don't want it. Tell them you've asked him to stop & he hasn't. You don't have to tell them you're gay, just say you don't feel anything for him. they have to do something, like telling him to stop, making him stay away from you.



and now an extra one... get a small calendar & write down every time he touches you .. this is important. it becomes evidence.. don't let any know that you have it & don't let anyone take it.. but write down dates & times.



Don't let him get to you, but get him to stop!!

skittles

I never saw the moor. I never saw the sea; Yet know I how the heather looks, And what a wave must be.
I never spoke with God, Nor visited in heaven; Yet certain am I of the spot, As if the chart were given. -- Emily Dickinson

[Cipher]

skittles's suggestion of knocking his arm off is good. Also make sure you tell him to stop (especially if you haven't before). Make sure he's aware that you aren't comfortable with him doing that and you don't like it. (Maybe say something like, "Don't put your arm around me; I'm not your girlfriend.") If he keeps doing it after that, it's a sort of sexual harassment. If he isn't aware you dislike it it could just be a misunderstanding on his part and he thinks you're ok with it.



If he continues after you've told him to stop it and have clearly indicated you aren't comfortable with it then skittles is right you should talk to a teacher and/or counselor about it for help. Of course you shouldn't say you've told him to stop if you haven't told him to stop (skittles presumably meant you should first tell him to stop or had assumed that you have already and he's still doing it). If you need their help in telling him you can ask them (the problem you need help with is "how to let him down gently", just as you said to us) and the teacher/counselor should be able to help you figure out how to tell him to back off and then help you if he doesn't.



The specific reason you aren't comfortable with it doesn't matter. Any girl might likely be uncomfortable with such behavior even from a guy she thinks is cute, especially from someone she isn't dating or friends with (an actual friend could be told more gently not to do it ("I wish you wouldn't put your arm around me.") and would respect that, and obviously you aren't dating the guy). You don't have to justify your lack of interest in him or your discomfort at the unwanted physical attention he's showing.



As for your other situation, if you and she are friends maybe you should have a serious talk with her about what happened and how you both feel. It sounds like she is afraid of other people finding out the two of you were dating, and it sounds like you can probably understand that, as you don't want to out yourself over the other situation either. You told someone you felt you could trust, but she wasn't a part of that decision and might be afraid that you would tell someone else who perhaps can't be trusted and would end up letting it slip out or spread it all over school which could be hard on both of you. Maybe if she can understand that your best friend would keep your confidence and isn't going to out the two of you (if she can come to trust him, too) she'd be willing to give a relationship with you another chance. Maybe she can accept that you needed to talk about it with someone whom you trusted; if not then she probably isn't the right girl for you. Trust in each other is important, but support from other friends can be important, too.

[holeybubushka]

Hi guys.



I thought I should de-lurk here cause all you people seem evry generous in the whole advice giving- thing- so i thought I might share my feelings for you.



I'm 15- and my whole life I've liked boys. When I was eleven I had crushes over all those pop-star boys-and I've been in relationships with guys-(albeit it never very long but that's high-school romances for you.)



However just recently I've been having these confusing feelings for my friend. She came to my school last year and we never talked-in fact we really didn't like each other.



but now this year I'm spending more time with her and I'm feeling really confused. She came to my school last year but we never really talked- we just didn't get on.

However this year we've spent alot more time together and well- I'm starting to like her more than a friend. She's a wonderfully kind and soft and my total opposite- and the more time we spend together the more I'm beginning to realise how much I really care for her.

A little while ago I had a BIG indentity crisis where I convinced myself that I wasn't attracted to her- I like guys and guys exculsively. I tried to spend less time together- but she'd keep coming to me for help with issues or just to hang out. So I couldn't get away.



Which is good cause I've accepted that i like her. But now-what do I do? Continue to moon over her? I did that for seven years with my first best friend,(a boy.) and I'm not keen to repeat the experience. But I don't know what to do. sometimes it feels like she may have feelings for me- but I don't have the courage to say anything. Cause we have a great friendship- and you know the drill.



Sorry for the post being long- but I needed to vent.If anyone has advice- I'd appreciate it.



Cheers

Holey

[ninjitsugrrl]

Well, Holey, that is a tough one. I will say that I was in a similar situation myself back in high school before I was out and I know that all of the conflicting feelings are tough.

The best advice I can give is don't do anything until you are comfortable and know you will be able to deal with the outcome whether it's good or bad. Just don't make a move unprepared. You need to be ready to deal with your friend's reaction. If you do anything before you are secure in your own identity, it will most likely cause problems.

I hope that helps.

Tara: Do you mind if I keep the light on? I was gonna look up some spells.
Willow: That's fine, I don't need to be snuggled...
Tara: Vixen!


My Homepage

[Lola19]

Hey again,

I just want to say a big thank you to La for the group hug the last time i posted. Its funny, when im over at the pens and reaing everyones fan fic, it makes me think about what i would do if i had a girlfriend. What i would do to make her feel special and how i imagine i would feel. Im a complete romantic so i think about loads of special things i could do. Like my favourite and one iv always wanted to do is for her to wake up one morning to a single red rose placed on the pillow. Its make me feel better to think of stuff like this you know, like i know iv got so much love to give so theres no way the that could stay locked away, that wouldnt be right so that gives me an incentive to take the next step. Although actually taking that step is tougher. I want to i just dont know how. How do i start off? Once i do tell my friends and family, where do i go from there? Anyway sorry for rambling on again. This board is my therapy, and i thank you all for listening and outting up with me.

Thank you

Love Lola xxx

[Sandbox]

Ok Kittens, I don't post much, but I'm needing some sympathy tonight. The only woman I have ever loved just fessed up to having someone new. We were both each others first lesbian relationship and spent 2 years trying to figure out if this is what we really wanted. I moved away from her about 6 months ago due to a family illness, but we had visited often. We never told family or friends about us, until about 3 months ago, when she began sharing our story with a friend. At first, I was glad she had somebody to talk to about it, but as time wore on she talked more and more about this other woman. The last time I visited (Early May) I asked about this other woman, but she played it off. I have pretty much suspected since then, and asked on several other occasions, only for her to say that nothing was up.



Well, tonight, she finally told me, she and the other woman are together as of 2 weeks ago. I was kind of expecting it, but my God, it still ripped my heart out. She questioned her sexuality all through our time together, so we were never allowed to call it a relationship, but I loved her. And now, she tells me how this new thing is a real relationship and totally different that what we had. 2 years of my life worth nothing.



I can't hate her and we talked it out. She is happy with this new woman and I can only wish her more happiness, but my heart is broken. I even spoke with the new woman to reassure her that I didn't hate her either, and then they added insult to injury by flirting in front of me. I'm trying to be adult and reasonable, but I keep getting tear drops on my keyboard. I just can't hardly believe it.

[Lola19]

Im so sorry to hear that Sandbox,

You handled it better than i would ever have so im sure along will me there will be a few kitties proud of how u handled it.

All i can say is although you love her, im sure theres someone out there worthy of your love and i dont think she is if that is how she saw a two year relationship. She doesnt deserve you.

I know it doesnt make it any easier but i hope you do feel better.

Im sending you a big massive hug from me.

Loads of love, hugs and kisses

Lola xxxx

[friskylez]

Hello Lola, The important thing for you doll is that you accept who you are and realize there is not a damn thing wrong with you Anyway tell people in your own time, there's no hurry, no pressure to come out, unless its really what YOU want to do...Theres no set time, no set of rules for discovering who you are and what to do after that..



There are support groups, look up some on the internet and find people your own age to talk to there...PFLAG is for parents and friends of lesbians and gays, but they would probably be happy to answer some questions for you about coming out to your parents and friends if you asked them...You have your whole wonderful life ahead of you and its awesome that you know who you are, take it slow, coming out is a very personal thing, to each his/her own...



And then there is always the kitten board, this is a wonderful group of supportive individuals, ask questions, vent, rant, chat, whatever you need to do, you are not alone

carpe' noctem

[Lola19]

Friskylez,

Can i just give you a big hug? The kitten board is where i come to because i feel myself here (if that makes sense)

You are all so nice and what you said has just put a big smile on my face. I smile alot but this was a very happy smile. Thanks so much. I always love visiting here, i just hope i can be as helpful to people as u have been to me. So Friskylez, if i can repay the favour, id be happy to.

Thanks again

Love and hugs

Lolaxxx

[Arafel the Witch]

I was reading some of the earlier posts about being bi, and figured I'd chip in my .02. I've always felt that I was bi. I'm 33 and have really only had two serious, meaningful relationships in my life. One was with a woman; we lived together for 8 months, and I thought it would be forever, and we had one of those tragic breakups, angst ridden, the whole bit, and I actually swore off dating people for 3 years after that. The second meaningful relationship I had is with the man I married three years ago. We've known each other 8 years, and been together for 6.



In my experience, sexuality should be looked at as a continuum. On the one side are those are strongly heterosexual, comprising maybe 20% of the population. On the other end are those who are strongly gay, maybe 10-20%. Most people I've known fall in between those extremes, and I certainly do. I think I fall in the middle. I don't care what sex someone is; I fall in love with the person, and when I do I am monogomous.



I've always loved the movie Chasing Amy, specifically for the speach Joey Lauren gives to Ben Affleck when he asks why him now, and she explains that she opened herself up to women in the first place to make sure that she would never miss the one person who would complete her.



Oh, back to the continuum. There is another, corollary continuum, of sexual desire, with one side being asexual, and the other, in the words of my husband, those who will screw anything that moves. Those continuums are relatated, but separate overall.

[Warduke]

Quote:

---

In my experience, sexuality should be looked at as a continuum

---

See, in my experience, it's just the opposite. Most of the people I've been friends with and most I've talked to about this subject would not consider their sexuality a continuum, but view it as something that is set, something that won’t change.



When it comes to someone’s own sexuality, some may have doubts about it, they’re not sure, while for others, it’s crystal clear. For some it changes all the time, for others, it never changes. It's obviously not the same for everyone, it's something very personal, but I don’t think it’s a good idea to take your own personal view of sexuality and apply it to everyone.

_________________________

The Bell Tolls For Thee

Edited by: Warduke at: 6/18/02 5:21:30 pm

[Arafel the Witch]

Well, what I meant was the attraction to either sex varies along the continuum, not that someone's primary attraction changes much. I've known people who identify as "straight" who've fallen for people of the same sex, and vice versa. A close friend of mine when I lived in New York, who had never identified as anything but lesbian, found herself falling for a drag queen I introduced her to, much to her chagrin. I think it's possible to identify one way but have the occasional attraction to the other.

[friskylez]

Thanks for the hugs Lola Im glad i could make you smile...There are alot of folks on this board who are here for you, dont forget that...Recently I came out to some friends i went to high school with 30 years ago..They were three of my best friends, but i havent seen them since i graduated...i thought it might have been obvious that i was "different" then and it would be no big deal, must have been quite a shock, "hi there its me, i havent seen you in 30 years and im a lesbian".. i havent heard back from them since, but thats cool i have come to expect that reaction





Im going to my 30 year reunion, im not ashamed of who i am and if they cant accept me, thats ok...There will be alot of people like that in your life Lola, those who dont and never will understand, those who will always regard your "lifestyle" as a choice, but just remember to be true to who you are...I found out along time ago why we call each other in the gay/lesbian community "family"...The gay community is your family, they can relate, they have been there and we support each other...You are not alone, make that your mantra, ok? Peace

carpe' noctem

Edited by: friskylez  at: 6/18/02 8:48:05 pm

[urnofosiris]

Quote:

---

When it comes to someone’s own sexuality, some may have doubts about it, they’re not sure, while for others, it’s crystal clear. For some it changes all the time, for others, it never changes. It's obviously not the same for everyone, it's something very personal, but I don’t think it’s a good idea to take your own personal view of sexuality and apply it to everyone.

---

Exactly, no one knows how other people feel better than other people themselves. So I will rather take their own word for it than my own ideas based on how I happen to tick. If someone says they are straight, bi, gay, they are, I don't care who they used to date. The same for what gender people say they are, I don't care what they look like.



*edited out another annoying spelling error, will I ever learn, bleh.

---------------------------



"I am giving you what you need, not what you want"
-The perfect excuse to be an asshole

Edited by: DrG at: 6/19/02 5:53:51 am

[tommo]

I couldn't agree with you more, Garfield. I think there are too many people drawn into debates where they feel it necessary to defend themselves vis a vis their sexuality when judgements are made on who they used to be. I suppose that's one reason why the past is called the past; it's gone. The present and future are what's important. I'm all for people telling me who/what/how/where they are; I won't make assumptions any more. And you know, being a member of this board has contributed to that kind of thinking. So thanks, everyone.

----------
Squish. Squish. Squish.

[Repost Moderator]

Originally posted by hellmouthhottie20



Ok i have a question.



This may make me sound incredibly thick, but i have been wondering about the laws on same sex marrigaes in all the different countries, mainly where is it legal?



I was not sure wheather to start this as a new thread, so i thought i would post it here instead.



Thanks



Caz



Edited - cos i cant spell (and have bad grammer!!! lol)

[urnofosiris]

It's legal in the Netherlands.

---------------------------



"I am giving you what you need, not what you want"
-The perfect excuse to be an asshole

[Lindy]

Gay marriage was implemented in Germany I think last year. It's not 100% the same as the ordinary marriage, but in terms of legal equality it comes pretty close. It has a different name (called: registered relationship or something, what might be a problem if you have to give away your marital status, which you have to in Germany in your CV) and is not under the status of a real family which is particularly saved and secured by the german constitution.



So there are some things to work on in the following years, but a huge step was made, one I am happy with. Many other gays aren't happy though, what I can understand. You can get registered but aren't offically married and not a 'real' family. That is really.. uhm.. weird.



edited to add: I am not really familiar with all legal terms, so bare with me if there are little mistakes in my explanation. yo

*********

Buffy: Kill the bad fairy... destroy the bad fairy's
powercenter, whatever, and all the troubles go away? ...

World is what it is. We fight. We die. Wishing
doesn't change that.

Giles: I have to believe in a better world.

Edited by: Lindy  at: 6/21/02 8:49:23 am