How long should you wait for love???

[Sakti]

Hey Kitties!!



big hello to everyone on the board





I've never started a thread before, or posted much cuz I've been too shy, but at the moment I am having serious issues and I'm not certain about what to do, so I was kinda hoping all you beautiful, intelligent Kittens could give me your opinions.



Ok, I came about a year ago, after I realized I was in love with her best friend for ages, around 6 years.



Anyway the girl I am in love with has always identified as straight and currently has a boyfriend whom she lives with. The boyfriend is in his mid 40s (while my best friend is in her early 20s, as am I ) and he left his wife and 3 kids to be with her, after they had been platonically in love for around 4 years.



When all of this happened, I was not fully aware that my feelings for her were big lesbian love type feelings. I thought I cared about her alot and the close relationship we have was very *special*. (I know big flashing red lights there, but when you don't know any other lesbians, and you just don't understand your feelings etc etc. You all know what I mean.)



So I came out and told my best friend that I was in love with her and wanted to be with her forever. She told me that she loved me, but she was straight and with a guy, so it could never be a possibility as long as she was with him. Although, we did mutually agree-

if she was not involved with him that we most probably would have ended up becoming a couple.



Anyway moving along...so recently I'd been working on accepting that I can never be with this girl, which was of course difficult, but I was making the effort. So I tried to move and have a relationship with another girl, whom I do like alot but do not love the way I my best friend.



So I told my best friend that I was going to start dating this other girl. Well my best friend, she freaked out and started considering the possibility of being with me.



Now, she has told me that she 'loves me fully' and she could be in a relationship with me, but she loves her boyfriend as well.



So right now she's going through the whole "Am I a lesbian phase?" I love another woman, but does that make me gay?



All of this begun about 2 months ago, since then we've been vascillating between us being together or her staying with her boyfriend.



I really really really love her and we could be sooo happy together. Like and happy, I think.



Though I'm not sure if she will leave her boyfriend, and even if she does it may be in many years, not soon.



Should I wait for her? And if i do wait, how long?

Does true love wait around for people to figure out their shit?



OR



Should I try to accept that we will never work out?

And to try to move on from her. I am afraid that I can

never be truly happy without her, even if I do find a nice girl in the future.



I know I've written alot, some of which was probably confusing, but it's been a long 6 years, you know.



So if you Kitties have any advice/suggestions for me please respond. I could really use some extra opinions.

Thanx--

S

Edited by: Warduke at: 5/15/03 9:10:23 pm

[Gatito Grande]

Wow, 80 hits on your query, Sakti, and no one's answered (maybe we're all a little tongue-tied here).



First, shameless plug: maybe ya wanna come join us the (started by yours truly) Sexual Ethics thread? That might be a place to jump in (even if your interested in far more than sex---a lot of us are!).



As far as your question goes, I have this feeling that you know the answer---the same answer, perhaps, that the 80 previous viewers couldn't bring themselves to say: No, you should not wait. Not another day.



Instead, just live your life, including not settling for this other girl, if you don't love her (Don't do that to her, and don't do that to yourself). If your Best Friend really wants you as her girlfriend (lover/partner/soulmate---however you dream about it!) . . . she will come to you. Wild horses (not to mention her boyfriend) could *not* keep her away, if she's ever really IN LOVE with you.



Having said that, how do you feel about your life *right this second*: are you happy "waiting"? Do you think you could be happy waiting for years, knowing there may well never be the Big Pay-Off??? If you're happy waiting now, and could be happy waiting forever (hey, some people are just the "pining" type!), then go right ahead.



GG Muchly appreciate that you did not call the "boyfriend in his 40s" old! Out

[wa star]

Hi Sakti,



Thanks for posting. I'm sure you'll get a bundle of great advice from the collective kittenhood... and I'm tossing in my pile of crap two cents absolutely free!!



Question #1 Are you a Lesbian? Not that it matters one way or the other, but at some point I suggest you totally come out with yourself and start spending much of your free time with.....other lesbians! That way when get that tingly feeling towards another cutie, she's likely to tingle right back--- and that's the inside track to yummy girl/girl love and your personal happiness.



I'm hoping you are lucky enough to live a part of the country you can find other lesbians. If you're like, working at the Texico in Butte, Montana-- plan to move to Cali right away.



Question #2-- Is the girl you're so smitten with ever really going to join you in the sweet bliss of the Lesbian Nation? You know you can't make her. You only have control over yourself.



Word to the wise. Beware of crushing on straight girls and be super careful with the *sorta gay* girls. *sorta gay* means the type of girl who is only attacked to you if no one is looking and if some guy isn't around. As soon as a boy looks their way or their mom wonders if the're going *dyke* .....they bale back to striaghtville. and break you're heart

[SlayerSydney]

I think the first love is always the toughest. So many thoughts and feelings and learning experiences(good and bad) and so many questions and even doubts...it's quite an intense time. But, I speak only from my experience and what my friends have gone through.



Falling in love with your best friend certainly has drama written all over it. In my opinion, it's a no win situation. If you wait for her to decide, you are missing out on life's other opportunities. If you don't wait, you'll always wonder what would have happened if you had waited.

Quote:

---

Now, she has told me that she 'loves me fully' and she could be in a relationship with me, but she loves her boyfriend as well.

---

The red flag that shot up in my mind when reading that quote and then your question: Should I wait for her? was....if she loves you fully, why should you have to wait?

It's corny, but in the movie "When Harry Met Sally", at the very end Harry finally decides he loves Sally and goes running to her and says:

Quote:

---

I love that you are the last person I want to talk to before I go to sleep at night. And it's not because I'm lonely, and it's not because it's New Years Eve. I came here tonight because when you realise you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible.

---

I have always thought these words were the greatest words spoken about being in love.(Okay, maybe not the greatest, but pretty close. )



You have to do what's right for you. What you feel is right for you. Can you wait for her? How long could you wait for her? Because forever is a long time and it doesn't sound like she's willing to come around any time soon if she's staying with her boyfriend.



And, are you sure she's "in love" with you? Could she be jealous that you would want to move on from her? Perhaps you admitting your love for her was an ego boost and she'd rather have you wanting her than wanting someone else. It's probably difficult to think about but have you considered that?



I obviously don't know the answer to your dilemma, only you can answer that, but I hope I at least have given you some other things to think about.



Love can be a tricky beast.

---

"Those girls were flashing their breasts? And no one thought to get the Lesbians?" ~~My comment to the host of a party I recently attended.

[Yelnif]

Hey hey



Well first of all, you probably shouldn't listen to ANYTHING I say, what with my severe lack of age and experience, not to mention my own current circumstances probably blinding me from reality. But ANYWAY!!



If I were you then I would totally go for it. You seem to be on a roll from where I'm standing. Hell, you brought her a long way from being straight anyway! If she's confused or scared or whatever, just be everything she needs so she can come to the sparkling revelation that you're everything she WANTS. Be strong for her but tender and understanding, and show her that you're there for her and you love her, but at the same time that you need her as much as she needs you.



Then again, this is from the person who just declared undying love to a girl who reacted to the news as though I'd just informed her that her least favourite and most ugly dog had died. (Sort of like 'that's a shame but who really cares?')



I don't really know what I'm saying actually. Get her drunk and jump her bones. Long live intimacy! LOL.



As always, I am as wise as Yoda and almost as hot.

Peace and Love. Yelnif.

[Sakti]

I know this may sound kinda confusing but please bare with me---

I- Sakti- have been a Kitten Board Lurker for a little over a year and finally got up the guts to actually join the board fairly recently. I have been out for 3 years now and I totally comfortable with being a lesbian.



My flatmate

came out about a year ago-- this is her story.

As you probably got the idea, this has been a huge drama in her life- and since we are living together, and both far from our respective countries of origin, we don't have very many friends to ask for advice, much less other lesbians.



My flatmate has been going crazy over this whole scenerio for the last 2 months and i've been trying to keep her sane, because I really care about her alot and I know what it's like to be far away from friends and family.



Since things have been particularly crazy with her dramas lately I've been more than a little anxious about all myself. So yesterday I decided to post this story asking all of you for your opinions on the situation.



The reason i wrote the story in first person was because, I thought writing sentences referring to my friend and then my friend's best friend, would get annoying to read and confusing. Also, I've never really posted before, so I was anxious about it as well and wanted to make things as clear as I could considering all the drama I had to get in.

I never intended to decieve any of you. I just would just like some opinions on how best to help my friend, and I since you all like discussing love/relationships and of course willow and tara; I figured this was the best place to go.



I certainly understand the apprehension about answering a dilemma like this, since I've been trying to give her some advice/support for the last two months. In this time my personal opinion about her scenerio has changed many times, so much so that i'm beginning to feel somewhat crazy myself, never mind how damn crazy she's been feeling. In my

post, I tried, as best I could, to represent the situation as accurately as possible, while condensing it.



ok so again I am sorry to have mislead you all into believing this story was about my life-- but I would still greatly appreciate any advice you are willing to give.



Thank you very much to Kitties who have already responded.



Gatito Grande: I have actually looked at your posts over on the sex ethics thread. You started an awesome debate over there. I really agree with what you said about

not settling, and also the very good point that

if she loves her, then my friend's best friend will realize that she needs her and has to be with her. I hadn't though if it that way before. Yes , sadly some

people are the pining type. Though I honestly believe it is a huge waste of time, I am just as guily as the next girl.

My flatmate she's the pining type, I think. Do you have any suggestions for semi-constructive pining? Is there a book I could get for that?



wa star:

You are soo right about those *sorta* gay girls, those women always head straight, pun intended, back to boystown when the going gets rough. My flatmate and I are living in rural Australia at the moment, and it's just very difficult to meet other lesbians. We both go to university and have only one other lesbian friend, (the girl my flatmate was considering dating LOL).

It's totally depressing cuz sometimes i would like to go out and meet some women, even if it's nothing serious, but it's just really hard.

For example, I know there are a group of other lesbians in our town, but you can't just hang out with them, they seem to be very exclusive, so yeah I get frustrated alot. So eventhough where I'm living is a really great place in terms of natural features, I do wish i could meet other lesbians sometimes.



SlayerSydney:

I throughly enjoyed the When Harry Met Sally quote, thank you very much. I totally agree. Now the question is whether any of us can actually get there in real life, but I guess that's the reason I'm posting all of this to begin with.

Yeah i totally think that my friend's problem is that she wants the rest of her life to start today, eventhough there are many things that have to be sorted though by several parties before she can even have a shot at that.

Hum, the ego thing, well my flatmate's dream girl, she doesn't seem like the type to need her self-esteem elevated in that way, although people often act as a result of feelings they are either unaware of, or uncomfortable with acknowledging...so maybe this girl is afraid she will loose my flatmate as her friend is she were to date someone else.

If that is the case..,does that mean she is A) yes she's attracted to her LIKE THAT

or

B) she's afraid of loosing the closeness that they have.

Oh I probably caused more issues by saying all that sorry.



Yelnif

You sound like such a cutie. I'm sorry that the girl you confessed your love to reacted so nonchalently, that must have been awful for you. My heart goes out to you, it really does. Thank you for relpying, your idealism is very sweet and refreshing. My flatmate is a hopeless idealist as well (at least when it comes to love), that's why I'm so worried about her.



Well thanks again girls, keep the opinions coming =)

--S

Edited by: Warduke at: 5/15/03 9:09:35 pm

[wa star]

Sakti,





In the little Montana (USA) town I'm from, B.F.G stands for bum f*cked Egypt--- it's a inside joke about anyplace way off the beaten path-- the middle of nowhere.



This is not an easy place to gay in





I grew up in a little Montana town full of loggers, ranchers and miners, with no openly gay people. When I first figured out I was attracted to other boys, I was 13 and working on a ranch. It was so goddamn lonely. (please excuse my guy-ness, I know this is really a lesbian stronghold, but I love BtVS and everybody is so nice I like hanging out here)



I'm sorry to hear that your collage life isn't chock full of lesbian love and friendship. Collage is often the place young gay kids really come into their own. I'm sorry you have some more *gutting it out* time. It isn't fair.



But at least you have the internet (I didn't growing up) I know that it isn't near as good as real life friendship, but please post here more often. 5 times a year isn't enough!



And about that little lesbian gang in town you think are snooty? Are you 100% sure? I suggest trying to get to know them --- remember small town folk are often clannish and withdrawn-- small town gays even more so. But maybe you're kinda shy and the're a little too protective?



I say try to meet and greet-- and if they blow you off-- screw the bitches!



I know it's easy for me to type these things, and so dang hard for you to do them. Personally, I grew up lonely-- I wasn't strong enough to take the plunge most of the time.

[urnofosiris]

Heh, Sakti, usually when I hear people say "I know someone who has such and such a problem and I need advice on how to help them" I usually secretly assume it isn't about another person at all but really about the person asking for advice. You went the other way about it.

Wa star, whether you are gay, straight, bi, trans, man, woman etc. doesn't matter, this isn't a lesbian stronghold, but rather a place where people who love WT and are as different as can be can talk to each other without having to worry about whether it matters if they are gay, straight, bi, trans, man, woman etc.

-------------------------


Coffee, Food, Kisses and Gay Love........Get it while you are hot

[slayer747]

Okay, I may not be an expert. But in my humble opinion, love comes when you least expect it. I know it's cliche, but it is a cliche for a reason. That is, it is true.



However, my experience wasn't like waking up one morning and telling myself that I am in love with this person. It happened slowly, without me knowing it. I befriended her for some reason and we got close, and somehow, the closeness we shared developed into something more.



I just realized that it was really love because one night, I asked myself a question. I asked myself what is the thing that scares me the most? And then after asking that my phone rang and I answered and it was her. That was when I got the answer. The thing that would scare me the most is to wake up one morning and know that she will no longer be on the other end of the line to answer my calls.



See? It'll come to you. Sometimes, waiting for it (consciously) just makes the whole process longer. Enjoy the suspense. Your heart will know when it is finally home.





P.S.

Quote:

---

I think the first love is always the toughest. So many thoughts and feelings and learning experiences(good and bad) and so many questions and even doubts...it's quite an intense time. But, I speak only from my experience and what my friends have gone through.

---

I just have to agree with this one. But aside from being the toughest, i think it is also one of those experiences that will teach you the most valuable lessons in life. However, the loss of the "in-love" situation does not mean that you've completely lost any affection for that person, it's just that it transformed into something else.



so, don't pine about first loves, especially if it didn't work out... because I believe that there is someone out there for us. And when we find them, I say, hold on. If you think it is real, go for it. I mean, I think that's our primary purpose here on earth. To love and fall in love...

part of forever is better than none

Edited by: slayer747  at: 6/17/03 12:43 am

[samiamiguess]

Ok more than a few people here will testify that I am the last person that should be giving any sort of relationship advice, so I won’t. What I will say is that a couple of things struck me from reading your post and responses…

Quote:

---

she 'loves me fully' and she could be in a relationship with me, but she loves her boyfriend as well.

---

If this is true then why is she still with her boyfriend? That to me goes against the loving her fully part let alone the ready to be in a relationship with her. I fully appreciate that this must be an extremely confusing time for her, which leads me to the other thing that struck me, something you’ve pointed out already…

Quote:

---

B) she's afraid of loosing the closeness that they have.

---

Is she just scared of losing what she has? Either way, yes to me that looks exactly her dilemma. It smacks of panicking to me a little. Scared of losing your flatmates friendship and love whilst scared of losing the stability of what she has with her boyfriend.



Whether she truly loves your flatmate is a question only she can answer which makes it all the more frustrating. Personally I think perhaps she loves her yes, but if she was truly in love with her then she wouldn’t be asking her to wait. One way or the other. She would simply want her to be happy.



Like I said, I’m the last person to be giving advice but I hope she finds happiness. With someone that can truly love her in return. And you seem like a very good friend so kudos to you too…

Edited by: samiamiguess at: 5/19/03 6:54:43 am

[3peanuts]

May I add my experience? Well, I'm doing it right now anyway...



I thought I was so profoundly in love with that one person that I could never ever be able to love another girl the way I loved her. Time passed, years passed and she was always on the edge to make the final decision that never came. It was consuming me: this was literally draining all the strenght out of me. When I finally decided to close the story (it was a survival issue) it felt my heart had splitten into a huge amount of tiny little bits. I spent a year in a dumbfounded state of mind, writing love letters I was never going to send, dreaming of her, crying myself to sleep. Then one day it happened to feel better, I was going through a tunnel. I spent three years without having ANY love or sexual intercourse. But I was feeling free in a strange sort of way, I fell in love with another girl who was going to play the same trick on me. I wisely closed that story very soon: it's never easy, but when you close a relationship like that, even if it breaks your heart, it still feels it was the right choice. And in the very moment I decided to clear out myself from all my past ghosts I was open and able to welcome the person I'm in love with at the moment, that loves me back, and I'm happy with.



I won't tell you what to do with your life: choose what makes you happy, real happy, not the "used-to-pain-and-sorrow" happy.

My two cents, and a big big big hug.

That's a general "you" as I refer to that special lurker I know is living the same exp. at the moment...



-3p-

"Cunning linguist" GG

Keynes was right

Edited by: 3peanuts at: 6/18/03 4:32 am

[ArielStarr]

Hey Kitties



I saw the title of this thread, and I had to post something. I'm still pretty new to the board (as a poster anyway, I've been lurking for a couple of years now) so I hope you don't mind me jumping in here and asking for some advice.



I'm a 22 year old girl who's never been in love. I've had a couple of crushes, one main one, but that's about it. I'm 99% sure that I like guys, although I have had a few ' am I gay/bi?' moments in that past year or so. I know it sounds corny and a bit trite, but I've kinda always been holding out for someone special, but they haven't appeared and I've never really been into sex without love. I sometimes wish that I was then maybe I might be a bit happier and a bit less lonely. So I guess what I wanted to ask was do you think it's worth the wait or am I being to naive? Should I just settle for someone I sorta like?



As a side note (sorry this is a bit off topic), I mentioned that I had questionned my orientation. I just wondered how the gay kitties finally came to the realisation that they were in fact gay/bi? I keep asking myself questions: Am I just scared to admit that I might be gay/bi, do I just think that I'm straight coz society deems it the "norm". But then again I've really only been attracted to guys so maybe I'm making something out of nothing.



Sorry to babble on like that. Thanks in advance to anyone who replies.



Ariel xxx



P.S. I know that last bit is a sorta off the topic of this thread so if you want me to post it elsewhere let me know. Ta!

[urnofosiris]

Ariel, if you have not done so, I'd recommend reading the Coming Out Issues, the When did you know or the Lesbian/Gay/Bi/Trans/Questioning/Issues thread. You may find some answers to your questions in there.

-------------------------


Coffee, Food, Kisses and Gay Love........Get it while you are hot

Edited by: DrG at: 6/18/03 2:17 pm