Getting over a relationship.

[bigds9fan]

Hello everyone,





My name is Ferry and I have recently ended a relationship.



It was an online relationship so whether it can really be called a relationship is open to debate. But that is not why I am posting on this board.



What does matter is that this girl meant a great deal to me and I am having a hard time letting go of her completely. I have made progress already but that is to be expected, I broke up with her a little over a month ago.



I have accepted in my mind that she is no longer my girlfriend, my heart still needs to accept that completely. I no longer have romantic feelings for her though. I have also accepted the fact that it is over and from a logical point of view, I am glad that it is over. The distance was so great that our love would have stood little chance.



But that still does not change that this girl once meant the world to me. And that makes everything rather difficult.



I know that I many will say that I should let go of her completely but I am still chatting with her. I would like to keep her as a friend if possible. This may not be easy (or even possible) but I would like to try.



This is the first time that I have had to deal with an ended relationship. Does anyone have any advice for me?





Ferry

[WbBuffyfan00]

Sweety the only advice I can give you is just to give it time. I took me more than 2 years to get over my last relationship. But I have FINALLY got over it. What it really took was for me to find someone who is wonderful. Good luck with this.



-Amy

[bigds9fan]

Hello Amy,





Thanks for your advice.



When I had just broken up with her, it seemed like my feelings for her would never pass. But I am only a few weeks later and I find that my feelings for her are no longer present.



Right now I still need to get over completely and that will just take a lot of time. The best cure would be a new relationship but I do not want to get into a new one too soon.



Part of me really wants to find a new love but I feel that if I start another relationship, I will just be using the new girl to replace the one I lost.



And it may not be that easy for me to find a new love. Oh well, when it is meant to happen, then it will.



Thanks again for your reply and advice.





Take care,



Ferry

[tkheaven]

Ferry, it is one of the hardest things to do. My ex broke up with me just over a month ago and it's still hurting. I can't sleep, I can't stop thinking about her in many different ways. Not only did I lose a lover but a best friend as well. We used to do so many things together, shared in so many conversatons. That hurts the most, the person that was there to hold you and tell you things would be ok for almost six years is no longer there. I know it's over, she says she no longer loves me and I know she has a new gf to thank in terms of distraction. I know it can never be again. What hurts the most is how she's treated the situation; very cold heartedly. I don't think she understands just how much it hurts. It's beyond words. She simply shut off her heart.



Supposedly it takes about a year to get over the grieving process (totally and entirely getting over it) unless, of course, you find someone who can share with you and love you helping through that process. I'm convinced I'll find that person soon. In the meantime it's distractions and avoiding her, even on IM, both of them (I felt crushed to know the person I had such a close conenction to is now with my ex, I actually thought I found my soulmate). It's helping me. It'll be hard to be friends again. It'll take a while. I don't think I can, not now. I need to keep my sanity.



Time...friends...it helps a great deal...but time, that's the clincher..time will always be there to help and to make things difficult, but in the end..it'll pass...you just kinda wish it would go a little quicker sometimes..*chuckle* blah



As a sidenote, I know she'll know about this post and read it. Don't ask why I posted, I just did.





*yawn* damn, I gotta stop being on the phone til 2 in the morning...

Tk's new and improved "GrrArgg"...

---

Tara ate her, devoured her from beneath. -The Edge of Silence giving new meaning to season seven's catch phrase.

[SlayerSydney]

Getting Over a Relationship is never easy. And sometimes, it feels like it's damn near impossible.



It took me nearly 3 years to let go of the first woman I fell in love with. I guess it took so long for me because I didn't feel comfortable talking to anyone about the loss and completely internalized it. A few bad druken nights and a year of a combination of drugs finally helped me get through it all. She had been my best friend, my college roommate, my first in so many ways I can't count, and I couldn't bear the thought of letting her go completely. And a part of me never will. There is an empty place in my heart that when I reflect on her and what she meant to me, is filled with a fondness that none other could compare to.



But, I'm over what the relationship became and what it didn't become. That was the hardest for me. Letting go of what could have been had we stayed together. I'm a pisces so by nature I am a dreamer. I had lots of dream for the two of us.



The best advice I could give.....time. It truly does heal all wounds. So cliche...but so true. I've always been a believer in fate and whatnot. If something is meant to be, then it will find a way to be.



In the meantime, find distractions. It certainly doesn't hurt!



Tkheaven So sorry to hear about your break-up. 6 years is a long time. Good luck to you. Stay strong and you'll find the happiness you deserve.

[bigds9fan]

Hello,





Thanks for your reply.



I was only "with" my ex for 6 months and since it was "just" an online relationship and we never met eachother. That would make things a little easier. Or so I hope.



But it is indeed one of the hardest things I ever have to do in my life. I met her on the internet and at first she and I were just friends. I never planned to fall in love with her but it just happened. I am still chatting with her but it is just not the same. At first, it felt like I lost the best thing that ever happened to me.



I understand how you feel, it is terrible to know that it did not mean as much to your lover as it meant to you. Even though it was "just" an online relationship, she meant the world to me. And though she did say that she loved me, I am just not sure if she really did.



She could say the sweetest things, she really could. But in the 6 months we were together, she never sent met an (e-)card, let alone a gift. And I sent her a lot of gifts including a few necklaces. Whenever I saw her on the webcam, I noticed that she never wore them.



The breakup does not seem to bother her at all. To me she has just moved on with her life. Like your ex, she does not understand how difficult this is for me. And that is what bothers me the most. The feeling that I get from her right now. The feeling that it did not mean that much to her.



Perhaps my ex has a new love in her life already. I had suspicions that she was not entirely fateful to me. But that is something I am not really in the mood to get into right now.



I realize that our relationship stood little chance and in that respect I am grateful or even glad that it is over. But that does not change my feelings and it will take while before I have sorted those out completely.



Right now I am triying to get my ex out of my "system". I have been given the advice not to talk to her for about a month. This person even said I should remove her from my friend's list. That would go a little too far but I can see the logic in that.



I also have my ex's photo's still on "display" in my room. I know I should not but I have not told my parents about the break-up yet. I know I should but at the moment I am just not ready to do that.



I should try to find distractions and to some degree I am succeeding in that. But a lot of my hobbies were also hers. A lot of things remind me of her. So I do not need her photo's to do that.



When I am reminded of her, I just think about her. I am not saddened or deprressed because she is no longer my girlfriend. She is just in my thoughts for a bit.



I think it would help me a great deal if I found a new love. But I have a feeling that may not be so easy. And I have a feeling that if I find someone right now it is because I want to replace my ex so much.



I am sorry to hear that one of your close friends is now with your ex. That must be really hard for you.



Time heals all wounds, I know. I am already less depressed than I was.



My ex just popped online on Yahoo and immediately went offline again. It "shocked" me a but mostly because I did not expect it. In a little while it will not bother me, I hope.



Thanks again for your reply. I am on Yahoo a lot as bigds9fan. So if anyone feels the need to talk you can always contact me. If anyone wants to cheer me up, please contact me. I can use it.





Take care,



Ferry









Hello SlayerSidney,



Had just finished writing a reply to TK's message when I noticed yours. I would like to thank you for it and post a reply.



At first I thought, I would never get over her but that phase has already past.

I know that it is hard to talk about things like this. As I mentioned to TK I have not told anything to my parents because that is just too hard for me at the moment.



My ex was my best friend, my soulmate and my first to me as well. She meant the world to me and when we were still together I was really despressed when she was not even online. I could not bear the thought of losing her.



And right now it is really hard to let go of her completely. I am a dreamer as well and I dreamed of meeting her and sharing the rest of my life with her. Even after the breakup, I kept livining in dreamworld hoping we would come together again. I am over that. I just need to let go of her.



Thanks for the advice. I have been given it before and I already knew it. But thanks anyway.



I am indeed trying to find distractions and those seem to be helping. I am unemployed at the moment so that is a lot of time to fill. But whenever I am busy, I think less about her.



I do believe in fate but I also feel that one can help fate a little.



If you wish to talk, you can reach me on Yahoo Chat. I use the same ID as I use here: bigds9fan



Thanks again for your reply and advice.





Take care,



Ferry

Edited by: Warduke at: 8/16/03 7:39 pm

[tiger17]

I know getting over a relationship is hard, but like everyone has said already time does help. When I broke up with my ex I didn't think anything could stop the hurt and pain I felt but I just took the situation day by day and eventually it got better. I was in the relationship for just about 2 years and I was positive that nothing was going to come between us...boy was I kinda dumb. Anyway, I'm over it now and actually I'm happy my ex and I broke up cuz I feel like I'm better off.



So the advice I'd like to offer to you is be patient and soon you'll get over her and possibly you two will remain friends if that's what you really want. It may be ackward at first but eventually it will get easier

[bigds9fan]

Hello Tiger17





Thanks for your reply.



At the moment I tend to think I am better off as well. It is a good thing because it makes the break up easier for me.



Right now I am taking things slowly. I try to distance myself from my ex emotionally. I will be patient, I know I do not get over this in a day or so. It takes time.



We both want to be friends so I would like to see if that is possible. It is already a little easier for me so I am hopeful that it will be even easier later on.



Thanks again for your reply and advice.





Take care,



Ferry

[cattwoman98111]

bigds9fan, ending most relationships is never easy weather they were online or not. when you have a connection with someone it is sometimes tough to let it go, even if it is best for both parties. i have found that a mixture of talking about it with others and internalizing it as well do help, as long as it is not the only thing you do. take it day by day and as you have found it does get a bit better everyday.

it has taken me quite a while to move past the end of my last relationship,(2 years, today in fact i just noticed that now) it was a difficult break up to say the least. lawyers, restraining orders and police.

as everyone else has said, you will get through it. it may take time but it does happen.

good luck

Catt





I want it. Give to to me. I love it. 7 Year Bitch

[bigds9fan]

Hello Catt,





Thanks for your message and input.



I had a "weaker" moment this morning but for some odd reason I am often a little more depressed in the morning.



Right now, I am doing ok. Could do better of course but I cannot complain.





Good luck to you too and take care,



Ferry

[xita]

I'll do my "self-help-book" best to be of service. Figure out what reminds you of your ex, and avoid those things for now. If you do catch yourself thinking about your ex, distract yourself and do something to distract yourself. I think the worst thing is to be caught up in thoughts of the ex and sort of spiraling down from that. It does get easier with time. That's the only relief.

- - - - - - - - - - -
"The suspense is terrible. I hope it'll last."

-Willie Wonka

[bigds9fan]

Hello Xita,





Thanks for the advice.



Unfortunately it is not easy to follow. A lot of things still remind me of her and when I see/do them, I cannot help but think of her. I try to think of something else then and this does help a pit.



I saved all the chats she and I did into a website. I still need to add the last 2 chats and I may do that soon. If I do not it would be very difficult to add them later because I will not remember the date and such. I stored every chat so for some unexplainable reason I want to continue to do so.



However, I used to describe the topics of each chat in a main page. I have not done that in a long time and I will avoid doing that. I will need to read the chats for that and that is something I definetely should NOT do right now.



In a few months I can always add those topic desriptions. I have already recovered a bit so in a couple of months I hope to be fine again.





Thanks for your reply and take care,



Ferry

[xita]

Well honestly, imho, that's probably the worst thing you can do right now. If you must finish it finish it quick, but then take it all down put it on a cd and put the cd away and don't look at it, till it is a fond memory and not something so fresh. I know it's hard, but I have found that putting temptation away makes it easier to not dwell on it.

- - - - - - - - - - -
"The suspense is terrible. I hope it'll last."

-Willie Wonka

Edited by: xita  at: 8/16/03 12:11 pm

[wolfwynd]

It takes a long time to get over a relationship and yes as many people have said before time is a great healer. It took me less time than everyone else only about 8 months, but it was still very difficult to do.



At first I went to complete and utter pieces, I didn't come out of my room for for 2 weeks, only coming out for the bathroom. I constantly stared at her picture, read back chats and e-mails and letters she had sent me and anything else that would remind me of her (which I know now was the worst thing I could do)



I've only now been able to talk to her on Yahoo without feeling sick, which for me is great! I've finally been able to talk my heart into realising she no longer loves me and has found someone else. I myself have since found someone who means as much, if not more to me than she did and I'm very much in love



Hope things get better for you soon **hugs



Keep the love alive... + =



Wolfy

"Amo il Corridoio di Alice Hall"

[bigds9fan]

Hello Xita,





Thanks again for your reply.



I completely agree with you, it is not the smartest thing to do. I did what I "had" to do and that was it. Normally I add the chat of the last time when I start a new one. (Then I add the topics later but I had not done that for a long time already.)



But since I want to try not to talk to her for awhile, I had to do this now. I did not want to have to do this later. It should have been a 3 minutes (or so) task, but my pc decided to act up so it took longer.



I closed the whole deal off as soon as I was done. I need to save it to CD-rom but I will do that soon. There is no real danger of me wanting to look at it. Ok, part of me would like to read the old chats again.



But I know that would be really stupid to do. I am not over her by a long shot and this would most certainly open up old wounds.



One day I will be ready to look at this again and perhaps then I will be glad that I kept it.



For now it is just stuff I keep on my pc. I barely looked at those old chats when she and I were together. It is just really easy to save them. And when I did read them (to list the topics) they were interesting to read.



So do not worry about me opening that stuff anytime soon. But thanks for the advice.





Take care,



Ferry









Hello Wolfy,



Thanks to you as well for your input.



I know how you felt, I went to pieces as well and was not able to do a thing for awhile either.



I recently (accidentally) opened one of her emails and started reading. This was not easy for me so I make sure not to access those and the chats I saved. Granted I did some work on the site but never actually read the chats. That is the last thing I need.



I still have her photo up, which is bad and I am very well aware of it. But I am just not ready to tell my parents about the breakup just yet. I will have to do that soon though. I have taken the photo's off when they are not home or asleep. Them being gone does nothing to them so I should be able to take them down permanently.



I can stare at her photo's now but I do not feel much. It is like a switch has been thrown. Yes, she is still pretty and cute but I no longer have any deep feelings for her.



My heart does feel now that she probably never really loved me. And that makes it a little easier because I do not have to fool myself with the idea that she may still love me or something like that.



Realizing that we did not really have a healthy relationship and that it did stand very little chance of working out helped a lot too. So in that respect, part of me is glad that it is over.



But she did meant the world to me once so it is not that easy to get over her. A lot of stuff reminds me of her and does not make letting go much easier. This is one of the hardest periods in my life.



And then to think that I am probably just a small road bump in the road of life for her. If someone were to ask her about me, she would probably say: "Oh that is a pathetic loser I chatted a lot with once. He was nice to hang out with but now I have something better. As if that is hard to find."



I do not think that she cares about me at all anymore. But I could be wrong. Just because she has not shown me that she cares does not have to mean that it is true.



Still, some would say I should let go of her completely. She has been such a large part of my life that I cannot do that (right now). But I have every intention of limiting my contact with her.



People have told me that I deseve (and will find a nicer girl). I would very much like to believe that but for a guy like me, it is not easy to find one.



I am glad you were able to find a new love in your life.





Thanks again for your reply and take care,



Ferry





*instead of double posting, edit your first post and add anything new to that one.

Edited by: Warduke at: 8/16/03 7:41 pm

[angelofinsanity]

dude, hey, *hugs* i'm sorry you're having a tough time with your break up.... i don't really know what to say that hasn't already been said- time heals, DONT read past emails she sent to you, distract yourself lots, um- etc etc.

but there's a couple of novelty ideas to get over her- you don't have to do them- but hey, i just find them funny to read



1- bang your head continously on the wall everytime you think of her- in the end, everytime you DO think of her, you remember the pain, get scared and never think of her ever again.



2- what do you fear? i mean, i'm pissed scared of spiders, so for this example we'll just use spiders and the most freakin scary bit of spiders i oh-so- hate is their legs- moving spider legs (argh !)....so picture your ex, with 8 gigantic spider legs behind her- moving slowly and everywhere!!!! soon, you'd get so scared of her (and her spider legs)- you'll never ever want to see her or her pics, lest it freaks you out. (better still, picture 8 spider legs coming out of your ex's face, moving, covering her face occasionally............)



i donno- like i said, they're all novelty get-over-ppl ideas. quite funny, maybe not so useful, i donno .

oh well, thanks for letting me waste your time!! good luck with getting over ppl



STacy

Edited by: angelofinsanity at: 8/17/03 4:40 am

[bigds9fan]

Hello STacy,





Thanks for your input.



If I were to bang myself on the head whenever I thought of her then I would be banging pretty much all day.



There is not really "something" that I am afraid of. I do dislike slugs a lot. To be honest, I find them disgusting. And I have a pretty vivid imagination so I should be able imagine slugs coming out of her mouth or something. But it would probably make me puke.



Thanks anyway for the suggestions. They were rather funny.



Right now I am doing ok. I have not talked to her in a few days which is a little odd but I am not really missing her or anything.



I have not talked to her since the 12th. I doubt if she would even notice that I am online and therefor that I have not talked to her. So I highly doubt that she would contact me herself. I have never had to "do" this beforeo, so I am not sure how long I should not talk to her.



Does anyone have any ideas/suggestions on that?





Take care,



Ferry