Gaydar Discussion Thread

[slayer747]

okay, i know everybody has this question... especially for 'beginners' like me... how exactly do we know if a girl/guy is gay or not?



i hope you guys can give pointers on how to spot someone who is gay... what clues and/or symbols should we watch out for... how does your gaydar work and how do you set someone's gaydar on and other stuff as long as it is about, well, gaydars!



well, for me, my gaydar malfunction sometimes. eversince i realized and admitted i was gay, i suddenly had this feeling that every woman i see is one. you know, it's like i became over-observey. however i do get it right sometimes when the clues are blatantly obvious like when a rainbow thingy is being flashed right in front of everyone...the mullets...reading an excerpt from "written on the body" aloud...



so there, let's start the gaydar discussion thread!

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"Sometimes things happen between people that you don't really expect. And sometimes the things that are important are the ones that seem the weirdest or the most wrong, and those are the ones that change your life." - Jessie "Once and Again"

Edited by: slayer747  at: 7/12/02 10:25:32 pm

[Latsric]

Quote:

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how exactly do we know if a girl/guy is gay or not?

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um..usually you ask i'd say. Seems to me what you're really asking about is what stereotypical traits you could look out for to try to pinpoint someone as being gay/lesbian. that's some dangerous territory as stereotypes by definition are not usually accurate.



As far as gaydar goes, I know there have been some psych studies that show that it exists, but there have also been studies that show that it isn't always accurate. So who knows what the real deal on it is.



-lat-

- I need my obsessions, they keep me sane -

[tkheaven]

tk carefully tiptoes in the thread as she has the feeling it may eventually get kinda rough in here.

Quote:

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how exactly do we know if a girl/guy is gay or not?

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when the same sex smiles and winks at you...? it is kinda stereotypical to say...I agree with Latsric.

Tk's new and improved "GrrArgg"

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Tara was similarly riveted, her body on slow burn as Willow's lips parted and her mouth opened, the food slipping inside and being consumed. Never in her life had Tara ever wanted to be a chicken casserole so badly...Later that night..."It's good to be a chicken casserole," Tara murmured, before passing out. ~ Answering Darkness by Sassette

[theatremouse]

there is such a thing as gaydar, but it's not the implied versionof traits that's frequently portrayed. it's not a "how do you tell if this person is gay or not" it's just a "how keen is your interaction with another human being". it's all about energy. it's like in movies or on television, when you look at an actor, and s/he's not saying anything and not doing anything in particularl at all, but you know what theyre thinking. and youre supposed to. becuase youre perceiving their energy. it's like, well i donno about you, but the first time i saw Hush, willow and tara looked at each other ONCE, and frankly, my internal monologue said "wow, theyre so gay." and i then proceeded to anticipate a "love of your life" story. and i was right. because the energy was there, which is funny because at that point the actors hadnt been told... but still, it was written in the script and you could tell by the energy of the moment how those two would be with each other.

so it's the same sort of thing. if youre interacting with a person you can feel their energy. you can tell, not neccessarily like in a "is this person interested in me" scenario, but rather, you can simply be talking to someone casually, but know at that point if there's ever a chance of them being interested in you at all. i mean, we are chemical beings, so you can tell, even if no one is interested in someone, or thinking about it at all, you can still feel that vibe of possibility, like i could happen in a thousand years, or you can tell if it couldnt, and from that is the vibe that has been so called gaydar. you can tell. it's all about energy.

straightdar works too. 'cept that most people have the handydandytriggerhappy presumption that whomever they meet is straight, until told otherwise or presented with rediculous stereotypes, thusly straightdar is largely ignored, because of said presumptions.

'eh, that's my prerogative.

peace.

Willow: It's horrible! That's me as a vampire? I'm so evil and... skanky. And I think I'm kinda gay.

[Shinnen]

This is an interesting topic. I am really curious of how we can tell in someone is gay or not.



By my experience (a really sad case indeed), I've no idea how to tell if someone I like is gay or not. For instance, out of say 5 girls I really like, after getting to know them, I discover 2 are straight (i thought they were gay), 1 is a bi and 2 are uh... I still have no idea what they are. I'm just pretty sure that they are indeed females. So that sure makes things difficult. So far...all the girls i see everywhere here are down right boy crazy.



I wish that there was some biological test (that doesn't involved getting poked by needles) that could test if the person was gay.





Did I go off topic here? I dunno. But it's an interesting topic.

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When I Am Standing On My Head, The Sky Is So Deep And The Sea Is So High.

[BBOvenGuy]

I'd say that gaydar and "straightdar" definitely exist. They're not always accurate, of course - nothing ever is - but they're there. Even a straight guy like me can develop at least a little of it.



I think it has something to do with picking up subtle cues on a subconscious level. It's not something you can do deliberately - in fact, trying to do it with your conscious mind instead of letting your subconscious handle it will probably screw it up.



Two incidents that happened to my mom and me spring to mind. One day when I was back in Indiana visiting my parents, we were over at the school where they work and we ran into a former student of theirs. Later that night, my mom was telling me more about this former student, and she mentioned that he was gay. "Oh yeah, I noticed that," I replied. My mom promptly freaked. "How did you know that?" she asked - and I couldn't really tell her. It was just something I knew.



Then on another visit, my mom and I got to talking about my church and the large number of gay men who attend there. She was flabbergasted to hear that in nine years, I've never had a man hit on me. "Not once?" she asked. In fact, I've only been mistaken for being gay once - to my face, at any rate - and that was when someone asked me if I thought the new member of the tenor section was cute. So it would seem that not only can I tell when people are gay, but gay people can tell that I'm straight.

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"A man who fails well is greater than one who succeeds badly" - Thomas Merton

[The Inward Sea]

Interesting thread.



I've had endless discussions with my brothers -we're all straight- about a guy being gay or not. They always were 100% right! I can't tell with the same accuracy if a woman/girl is gay. I've always heard said that "men know if other men are gay", but not the same with girls. Isn't that strange?



The Inward

[orion]

If anyone has a system that works please let me know, about half the time the girl I'm interested in turns out to be straight.

What about a simple question like,

"do you have a boyfriend?"..if they say no

"oh, do you have a girlfriend?"

I haven't had the chance to try this yet, but it seems simple enough to work...

"Thats a little Blacker then I like my arts" -Dopplegangland

[Kalita]

I'm with Bob on this - it's very subconscious and not wholly accurate.



I've scored some interesting reads over time (I was pretty sure about a co-worker for a while, she came out about 2 months later), but some interesting misses too.



Really, the best policy when you want to be certain about a particular person is to get to know them; swing the topic towards social activities, and see if they mention a boyfriend, girlfriend, spouse etc; if they're evasive on the topic, tread carefully as there could be various reasons for it.



But never assume right off, that'll get you into embarassing territory quite easily.

"Hot lesbian witches! It's f--king genius!"
-Charlie Sheen, Being John Malkovich

[Ittybittykitty]

Well I'm really really REALLY gay. The freaky thing about my gaydar is I can tell who is already out, AND what people are gay but who aren't out...it's like a crasy gay lovin' warning system. But it is deffinately an energy thing...it's the vibes dudes!

Meri-SCREW THE SYSTEM!
Me-I will not, who knows where it's been?!

[slayer747]

i sort of have a sixth sense sometimes {"i see gay people...they don't know they're gay..."} though i admit sometimes, mine malfucntions... anyway... the out ones are really easy to spot, but the innies... you have to dig if you want to find out.



oh, i've read somewhere that you can tell whether a woman is gay or not by the number of keys she is carrying. i know, i know, it sounds ridiculous, i think it is more of a joke, but i'd appreciate if someone could try to even remotely explain this...

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"Sometimes things happen between people that you don't really expect. And sometimes the things that are important are the ones that seem the weirdest or the most wrong, and those are the ones that change your life." - Jessie "Once and Again"

[areslei]

My gaydar never came with directions. Never figured out how to use the damn thing, so I just flirt with everyone and hope for the best. Is there such a thing as gaydar interference? All the straight gals can tell i'm gay right off the bat...all the gay gals think I dig the guys. ;-P

[friskylez]

All i can say is look for the rainbow colors gay pride rings, celebrate diversity buttons with rainbow colors, " i love women" buttons:" ( i have one of those ) In the "old days" we used to ask em if "they were family", some of the younger generation doesnt even know what that means, so that might not work



I asked a girl at the local gay bar one nite if she was family ( she was there with

a gay boy friend) and she had no idea what i was asking, so i chuckled and said no offense, i dont think you are...She later came up to me with a smile on her face and said she had asked her friend and he told her..She said thank you, that she was quite flattered i inquired about her, but she was straight..But ya never know

"Pride that dines on vanity sups on contempt"

[Latsric]

I took a women's studies course once on the psychology of sexual orientation. when the class first started the professor told us all that we were not allowed to tell anyone in the class what our orientation actually was, so I spent the first half of the semester trying to figure out who was gay and who was straight. Let me tell you, when we were allowed to share personal information at the end of the term, I was completely wrong. The straight people in the class had actually outnumbered the gay people by far.



Gaydar is a tricky subject cause if you are out there looking for things like...short hair, drives an SUV, has a house full of cats or some other thing, you're more likely than not to be wrong. However, if you are interacting with a person on a daily basis and you're picking up gay vibes from them, maybe you really are reacting to their energy (like someone has already said.) Who knows, its a really neat topic though, specially for a psychology geek like me



-lat-

- I need my obsessions, they keep me sane -

[Lindy]

I have never given this much though, but many of my dear friends I know since highschool, turned out to be gay years later, including myself, lol. Seems like we all found each other and together found the strength to finally investigate our differences.. and honestly, I don't mind one bit. At school we all have been more of the outsiders than the inn group. Well, heh.. time changed things for us Go us.

*********

Buffy: Kill the bad fairy... destroy the bad fairy's
powercenter, whatever, and all the troubles go away? ...

World is what it is. We fight. We die. Wishing
doesn't change that.

Giles: I have to believe in a better world.

[mscheckmate]

I've given up on gaydar, especially where women are concerned. I just flat-out can't tell, and if I think a woman is a lesbian, I'm almost always mistaken.



Maybe OT, but do you all remember the finger-length study that came out a few years ago? It compared the finger lengths of lesbians to straight women, and found that lesbians, unlike straight women, tended to have index fingers that were shorter than their ring fingers.



So, Slayer, if you think a woman might be a lesbian, maybe you need to check out her hands before you check out anything else.

Xander: "Tara, nice axing." Tara: "My first."

[Thanatopsis]

I think my gaydar needs new batteries, cause it's wrong more than its right. Though on a serious note, I agree with what's been said, it does exist on some level, but you certainly can't rely on it. I remember reading about the finger thing a while back and being dismayed cause my indext finger was slightly longer than my ring finger.

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Too many of us live desert lives. ~Charles de Lint

[Shinnen]

Quote:

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It compared the finger lengths of lesbians to straight women, and found that lesbians, unlike straight women, tended to have index fingers that were shorter than their ring fingers.

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Issit really true? I don't think any of the girls would let me do that. They think I'm weird without knowing I'm gay...

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When I Am Standing On My Head, The Sky Is So Deep And The Sea Is So High.

[Loco2]

i agree with bbovenguy on the 'subtle clues' thing. but i find the most acurate way of deciding is watching all the little things they do (not in a stalking kind of way) and eventually, they'll slip; they'll look at someone they like with a glint in their eye or something like that, or ask you to rewind a vid and record something on it and it will have 'lesbians behaving badly' recorded on it *coughcough*my sister*cough* or even say their friend who is actually an exgirlfriend is in 'chained' and that's always a little give away. and my sister thought she was 'sly' about it, hah!



with guys, i find it's the hand movements - straight guys with shove their hands in their pockets and you wont see much of them, gay guys usually make hand actions when they speak, to illustrate a point, and they like fashion and like to talk about themselves and their feelings and stuff like that. and there's the obvious voice thing, but that's there you wouldn't really be out looking for clues.



girls i find don't like to talk about themselves, don't mind getting dirty or doing a 'guy's job' and most of all, don't give a shit about hair and nail polish and all that crap. mostly they don't really care what other people think of them, and girls aren't too clever with being discreet about who they like; they'll look at someone really close or look at their ass or something that gives them away.



then there's the whole sixth sense thing and you see someone walking down the street and just 'know' that they are gay. but then, too, you wouldn't be looking for clues.



anyhoo, this is just my opinion, and if anyone thinks i'm totally wrong, i probaby am, but these little things work for me, so.....D -->



steph

"Dr. Becker, have you seen the skeleton?" "What do you think I am, a skeleton thief? You want to search me?!"
"Who sponsered career day this year, The Brittish Soccer Fan Association?!" - Xander - What's My Line?
"We'll all be a lot happier without the constant whining....Mom, Buffy, Tara, Waah" - DMW to Dawn

[La]

My gaydar doesn't seem to function too well. So I always just assume everyone's bi until I find out if they lean more one way or the other. That way, I'm never completely wrong!



I remember reading about the index finger thing and consequently checking out my fingers (index finger shorter), my mom's fingers (index finger shorter, hmm, back when I came out to her as bi [before i realized I was totally gay ] she told me that she found her friends attractive too but didn't mean she was bi [she was hoping i was "going through a phase"]), and all of my friends fingers. Kinda funny, but probably about as accurate as reading palms or your horoscope - sometimes it's dead on, sometimes it's dead wrong.

~La

You know you've been in Korea too long when you start packing to return to the U.S.

[walker]

I remember bringing this up after going on an all-gay trip to Manchester. On a bus with 40 or so people on it there was only one straight person. Everyone thought it was me. Bastards. Due to excessive alcohol consumption I got a little tetchy about this and went up to ask people why they thought I was straight. Answers -

1. I have long hair.

2. Clothes I had on. (A little girlier than I normally wear but I assure you my ass looked fantastic in that outfit)

3. I didn't have a clue about the various boy-bands being played. (I thought quite a lot of straight women would know this so colour me confused for this one.)



My own gaydar was spot on in this particular instance and I managed to pick out the one straight man who chose to brave a night of Quegdom. I think gaydar is purely instinctual and mine is as often wrong as it is right. The only really clear identifier we came up with for lesbians was short fingernails. That one is self explanatory.



My best method is still talking to people. Either straight out asking them, or their response to certain questions. Try a few gay pub names on them, or book/film titles. Knowledge of places and things of queer interest are usually a good sign that someone is indeed On The Bus.

[theatremouse]

dude, now i'm all fascinated by this whole "index finger" dealio.....as if i'm not constantly preoccupied anyway. intriguing.....



peace.

Willow: It's horrible! That's me as a vampire? I'm so evil and... skanky. And I think I'm kinda gay.

[semiramis]

My gaydar is frequently accurate, however I don't seem to register at all on anyone other lesbians gayday, although the gay boys always seem to be able to spot me......I practically need to wear pink triangles on everything.



The again, my preferred femme look isn't really much of a signifier.

Wasn't there some kind of electronic gaydar device?

[thegirlwiththecurl]

semiramis, you too? I'm considering getting a tatoo on my forehead, 'Gay now!'. Would that be going overboard?!?

[areslei]

Tatooing 'gay now' on my forehead...hmmm....y'know, that might actually work.

[semiramis]

To thegirlwiththecurl

Oh dearie me yes....I've even been asked in clubs if I know "What sort of venue this is?" Strangely enough, a woman in her 30's is capable of making a conscious decision to go to an all female club, even if somewhere along the line she forgot to cut her hair and throw out the dresses......from talking to European and US lesbians online I have realised that femme phobia is REALLY bad here in Aus...

I just wish people wouldn't hiss "Faghag" at me when I am out with male friends....although having one of said friends turn around and scream

"She's a LESBIAN moron!" is kinda funny.......

[melissande]

Hoo boy. I just checked my index to ring finger ratio, and they're the same size. Does this mean I'm bi?



Before strategizing about how whip out a tape measure during casual conversation, you may wish to look at this article. Perhaps more authoritative studies have been done since 2000 that support the link in humans, but the implication is that there's a fair piece to go.



I'm in the "it's in the energy" camp. People's inner lives are so often contradicted by their outer appearance I've given up on snap judgements. That's what's frustrating, and so wonderful, about them.

[mscheckmate]

Interesting article. I remember attending the Orange County, CA, Pride event several years ago, and actually having my hands Xeroxed. Someone at Cal State Fullerton was studying finger length in relation to sexual orientation, to see if there was some correlation. At that time, I was aware of the previous finger-length studies, but never heard back from this particular researcher, so I don't know what his findings were. Maybe it's all coincidence.



But, for several weeks after OC Pride, I spent a lot of time looking at women's hands. Instead of the places I usually look.

Xander: "Tara, nice axing." Tara: "My first."

Edited by: mscheckmate at: 7/14/02 11:56:16 pm

[semiramis]

Here is a link to the gaydar device

members.tripod.com/~marco...o/msg1.htm

[heironyma]

Thing about the finger-length thing is that although it sounds cool, the whole study is based on a misunderstanding of female homosexuality. The 'lesbian' finger-ratio is the one found most commonly in men - regardless of sexuality - and this is part of a whole bevy of 'science' intended to show that lesbians were exposed to some kind of masculinising influence in the womb. It's commonly agreed that finger-ratio, because it is statistically different in male and female populations, is due to hormone exposure before birth, and that is why the study was conducted in the first place. That is, they started from the premise that female homosexuality is an 'unnatural' behaviour resulting from a 'masculinisation' of a normal female, rather that a perfectly reasonable reaction to the niceness of breasts, etc.



Sorry to get all strident, but I get annoyed at how much science currently conceals reactionary agendas.