The Lesbian/Gay/Bi/Trans/Questioning/Issues Thread

[judy]

*I am converting this into the all purpose, gay, lesbian, bi, questioning thread. So if you have any questions about those issues you can post them here and also read previous advice and see if it applies to you. Below are some helpful links, if you know anymore, please send them my way (xita)

I think it would be helpful to post some resources for lesbian/gay/bi/trans/questioning youth who may come to this board with questions and uncertainties:

Books for Lesbian/Gay/Bi/Transgender/Questioning Youth

Youth Groups and Community Centers
Online Resources and Websites for LGBTQ Youth

Unfortunately most of these lists are limited to the United States but I hope it helps some people.

Edited by: xita  at: 9/22/02 1:14:51 pm

[repost]

Thank you Judy. This is very necessary information. I missed your wise presence on the board.

I

[repost]

should stuff like that maybe added to the FAQ or something?

just a thought.

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Vectors? I don't have any vectors! I'm just a kid!

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[repost]

heyas!!

I've found very very helpful. It's an online community of GLBT youth from around the world.

Anyway, I'm 17 and came out last year so if anyone needs to talk or anything my IM is jolie tara and e-mail...jolietara@yahoo.com

grrr.....argh...it did not include the link!
Just go to mogenic.com....blah.

[This message has been edited by xita (edited January 27, 2002).]

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[repost]

I gotta say that all you kittens are great! I've been going through the whole "am I gay or am I bi?" thing for a while now. Part of what's hard about it is that asking a woman out isn't nearly as easy as asking a guy out. I mean, I don't really know a lot of single lesbians. And most of the girls I had crushes on were straight. Happily, I've finally met and am falling for a wonderful girl who *is* gay and seems equally interested in me. I don't know how things will turn out or if she is actually "the one," but I can tell you that kissing her just feels right, when there always seemed to be something slightly off whenever I got all snuggly with a guy. Am I sharing too much? Sorry, I'm just all giddy with being a smitten kitten

And I also have to say that the characters of Willow and Tara have such a beautiful relationship. It's nice to see that being shown on TV, and I hope that it might convince a few people to be less homophobic, or at least let other people out there who are struggling with their sexuality realize that they're not alone.

I

[repost]

quote:

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Originally posted by Grace*:
I was raised Catholic, and it says that homosexuality is a sin. I don't agree with this, in fact, there are several things I don't agree with in my faith, but it is still a part of me, and it's important. I'm having a big problem balancing these two aspects of my life. Anyone else had a similar experience? Thanks for listening, or reading actually.[/B]

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As was I, raised Catholic, grammer shool, nuns, memorizing the prepositions ect.... then when I was 16 things got more complicated when my Mother moived the family to Utah and we joined the LDS (Mormon) church. So I had lots of issues when I came out.
Not to sound flip or to belittle your struggle, but ultimately I desided that it was between me and G*d(ddes). I had chosen to love, and if he/she/it had a problem with it I am sure I will be notified. My partner suggests the fiction of Andrew Greeley, he is a detective writing priest who deals with these and other sexual issues with class and caring.

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Ad astea per asta

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[willow]

Don't worry JB your not forced to dislike men, just because you choose women for romantic involvement. It's not a swap, if you did choose women over men, because you were a man-hater, your relationship with a woman might not be successful either, so don't sweat it

I posted earlier yesterday under the thread 'Question about being gay' I think I figure it out. I was talking about how I don't seem to be attracted to anyone, except for female television personalities. I thought about it all last night and this morning. The reason I'm not attracted to people on the street, is because of just that, there people on the street. I don't know them, for me it's has to be a physical as well as emotional connection. I have to like their personality and on television we get a glimpse of their beauty as well as personality. I'm glad I worked that out for myself, but I'm still completly confuse. I still think I need to put myself in a position where I can interact personally in a gay atmosphere. I'll have to ask my cousin when I see her, she has alot of gay friends and I know there's gay bars in Vancouver. Any other advice would be appreciated, there's never to much advice and Your all great with the no pressure.

[This message has been edited by WillTara (edited March 18, 2002).]

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[willow]

Willowhand: Some things to think about

What is the worst possible reaction your mother could have? Would she bar you from the house and would you have a place to stay if this was the case? How financially dependent are you on her?

Are you prepared to deal with the emotional repercussions of telling her and her reactions? Do you have SUPPORT systems set up to help you through it?

Sometimes coming out is touted as the be all and end all solution by members of the community. Being out is seen as a supreme form of queer existence. This is actually bullshit and a privileged attitude. There are many people who cannot come out because of the real circumstances of their lives, because they'd be homeless, unemployed, excommunicated from the only community they know, and/or in physical danger. I am not saying this to scare you from coming out or to discourage you. I think it's great and empowering when it is the safe thing to do (safe in terms of personal emotional health as well as physically and financially). But it is important to make a plan, to think it through, before just doing it. I have worked with gay teens who didn't think it through and the results were not pretty or empowering. (and I in no way blame them for the homophobia of their families). Good luck with whatever you decide!

Some helpful info and links from Parents Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays (PFLAG).

Be sure to read their brochure Coming Out to Your Parents.

And there is a section in the FAQ I linked about religion and being gay for others on this thread wrestling with that issue.

[This message has been edited by judy (edited March 18, 2002).]

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[willow]

quote:

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Originally posted by Grace*:
I was raised Catholic, and it says that homosexuality is a sin. I don't agree with this, in fact, there are several things I don't agree with in my faith, but it is still a part of me, and it's important. I'm having a big problem balancing these two aspects of my life. Anyone else had a similar experience?

---

Yes. It's a difficult path to walk, but many people do it. FWIW, realize that the Catholic Church, unlike more fundamentalist denominations, does not teach that being homosexual is a sin or that gays and lesbians are evil and will go to hell. It does teach that "homosexual acts" are sinful, in the same way that sex outside of marriage or sex using contraception is sinful. This is, of course, still hugely problematic and not something I agree with, obviously, but it's an important distinction that is not always made.

Realize as well that there are many Church teachings--basically, any which have not been declared solemnly infallible, and that's most of them including the teachings on homosexuality--from which you can in good conscience dissent and still be a good Catholic.

Finding a sensitive pastor with whom to discuss these issues can be very helpful. Also, 2 good online resources are The Gay, Lesbian, and Bisexual Catholic Handbook, which has a wealth of information related to this topic, and the website of Dignity USA, an organization for gay and lesbian Catholics.

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[willow]

quote:

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Originally posted by judy:

What is the worst possible reaction your mother could have? Would she bar you from the house and would you have a place to stay if this was the case? How financially dependent are you on her?

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Thanks for the advice and links and such. I know my mother wouldn't kick me out...but, I guess I'm more worried about what she's going to say...or think, or whether or not she'll be in denial about it.

I

[willow]

Okay...I've been having a dilemma lately. I've been going through a period of depression lately, partly because of my questioning my sexuality, partly because of some other stuff that's been going on. Anyway, my mom has been really supportive of me during this time, and I've been leaning on her a lot. The problem is, the closer I get to her, the more I long to tell her all of what I'm going through. Knowing that I have this big secret is maing me feel terrible- like I have this constant weight pressing me down. I've had secrets from my mother before-we were not very close until these last few months. I'm really happy I've had her, and that we've stopped our 19 years of fighting, but...it makes it harder for me to keep this from her. The problem is, I know how she will react. She is very religious, very politically conservative, and very homophobic. She makes comments about homosexuality all the time, how it's disgusting, unatural,a sin etc. She's also been harping on me about finding a boyfriend, I think she thinks it'd make me feel better if I had someone. I don't live with my parent's, and I'm not financially dependant on them in anyway, but I'm not sure I could handle losing their support at this time in my life. At the same time, them not knowing, and my imagining their reactions to me is really not helping my condition. I'm afraid I'm going to crack one of these days, and wind up saying things I can't take back. I just needed to get that off my chest, and wondered if anyone had any advice on how to handle this.

Amy

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[willow]

quote:

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Originally posted by Karzia:

For example, when I came out to my Mom, I picked a GLBT freindly coffee house here in Omaha (yes we have them in the Midwest LOL).

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We do? Where at?

[This message has been edited by Xanadu (edited March 19, 2002).]

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[willow]

quote:

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Originally posted by Xanadu:
We do? Where at?

[This message has been edited by Xanadu (edited March 19, 2002).]

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The one, I mentioned was Downtown grounds on Jackson, thought the Yuppie larva have over taken, now we go to Jackson street Coffee, next door to Dazy May on the cornor of 13th and Jackson, Hey we should get togther and have coffee and chat about our girls, ( see all purpose meeting thread)

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"As God as my witness I thought Turkeys could fly." L.Nesman, WKRP

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[willow]

Hey you all!!!

I've been through the same problem how will I tell my mom I'm gay?
I thought I'd share my experience...
I realised I was attracted to girls very early, I was 11.
I was sort of lonely and had very few friends. I was a real tom boy, I think it was a way for me to show I was different. My very first relationship was when I was 17 with a girl I was in class with. It was a very chaotic relationship for I knew she wasn't really gay and that some day she'll leave me in order to see what it's like with a boy. But It lasted for three years and now I know we were both unhappy for none of us had what we were longing for. I decided to break it up for I felt she'd never have the courage to do it herself.
I was a very difficult time for me, I thought I'd never find someone who wanted the same thing as I did.
A week after we broke up, she told me she was in a relationship with some guy and I lost it. I couldn't stop crying, I probably shouldn't have but I felt betrayed. My mom sensed something was wrong and I told her that girl was a lot more to me than just a "friend". That's how I came out to my mom. My sister already knew. But I'll never tell my dad, I don't feel the need to...
A few months after all this, I met a wonderful person, and we've been together for almost 3 years, and I love her very much.
I finally found someone who wanted the same thing, and I must admit that's nice...
That's all, sorry if it's a bit long,
take care everyone,
goul.

I

[willow]

Hi all!

Uhm, I just wanted to share my experience on this subject. I have been out since September but everybody knew it way longer. It's just, I wasn't sure so I didn't say yes or no if they asked me if it was true. Now, I can admit it that I'm dating a girl, which I couldn't a year ago. So, it's not the fact of dating a girl that makes you sure or willing to admit it, you really need to be ready for it to come out. If you are not, it could even be harder for you. Well, that's what I think. I don't say you have to lie about it, just be honest about it and say that you are not sure, except if you really have a hard time with that.. Well, that has been my experience.. I couldn't deal when everyone found out because I couldn't handle it myself. I didn't get any negative responses so that wasn't what made me feel unhappy.. The only thing that made me unhappy was me.. But I came trough.. I hope that the people that are here and having problems with it, getting the support they need and I hope that they will see the bright side of life like I did a few months ago..

Nathalie

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[willowrosenberg]

I'm very happy for you Neta. It makes coming out SO much easier when you know that the people around you will be cool about it. I have one friend who was one of the first people that I told who absolutely loves the fact that I'm bisexual. She told me that she wishes she was because it would be so cool or something like that. She's a nut.

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"But with Tara, I just know she likes Willow, and she already has one of those" – "Family"

"Honey, in case you didn’t hear me the first six-thousand times, no more teleportation spells." – "Crush"

Willow: "I figured, life goes by so fast, if you don’t write stuff down it just gets…lost."
Tara: "Down to every last bagel"
Willow: "Down to every last everything I do with you" – "Forever"

I

[alexis18]

especially for me. i'm 18, gay since birth and in the closet. why? first... i was raised in a catholic and homophobic country. second, it was actually my grandparents (old-fashioned ones) who raised me. third, all my friends are homophobic. sigh... also, i'm femme... so people don't really see the gay "me" just the plain ol' sweet-and-sometimes-naughty "me".



i guess my process of coming out will be hard, and because of that, i'm open to suggestions... thanks.

[Mally B]

Hello kittens

I didn't really know who to ask this to, so I hope some people can try to help me.



For quite a while now I've only been attracted to girls. But recently I've realized that even someone who I think I have a crush on (or something like that) who I'm totally attracted to, I just can't see myself with another girl. Which is wierd. But anyway, there is this one girl who goes to my school, we'll call her Julie, for the story's sake. Anyway, last year I kind of had a crush on this Julie girl. And now recently I have found out that she is bi and now I have a bigger crush on her than I did before. Which first off is wierd because I usually dislike bi people. And secondly, a lot of the time I get the feeling she hardly wants to associate with me at all. Which sucks, a lot. I try to get her to realize that I like her but it just doesn't work. And the thing is, I can actually see myself with her, which is good, because I really never can see myself with other girls. So yeah, any help, please?



Also, is anyone here participating in the Day of Silence next Wednesday, April 10th? Its for gay/lesbian/bisexual/transgender rights and stuff like that, and you don't talk for the whole day. My school did it my freshman year, and now that I am a junior, we are doing it again, and I'm really excited. Its a really good thing to do. You carry around a little slip of paper that says "Please understand my reasons for not speaking today. I am participating in the Day of Silence, a national youth movement protesting the silence faced by lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender people and their allies. My deliberate silence echoes that silence, which is caused by harassment, prejudice, and discrimination. I believe that ending the silence is the first step toward fighting these injustices. Think about the voices you are not hearing today. What are you going to do to end the silence?" It was hard to not talk for the whole day, but that is kind of the point. My lacrosse coach made fun of me, and it was awful, especially because he didn't give up teasing me about it for quite a while. I'm pretty sure if I saw him now he might still remember that. I am bringing in my video camera to school and filming some classes where I know most of the people won't be talking. I'm making a kind of documentary on it. If anyone else wants more information on it please e-mail me! MorninGlory04@aol.com"> MorninGlory04@aol.com or go to www.dayofsilence.org

- Mally B

[supermus]

I'd do that if not for three reasons:

1) I wouldn't be allowed to answer questions from a teacher

2)I'd have to wear the sign and would consequently become an even bigger pariah then I already am.

3)It's Virginia. Ending homophobia in Virginia is about the same as stopping a freight train. WIth a gnat.



Sorry if I sound like a coward, but I really, really am. I prefer the subtle way of arguing/scolding with anyone who uses that as an insult or uses the F word.

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If you're in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at the enemy, throw one of those small pumpkins. Maybe it'll make everyone think how stupid war is, and while they are thinking, you can throw a real grenade at them.



Nothing gets in the way of fate. Not time, not space, not distance, no person or creature. Not even death. Eventually fate will bring them together."

-Excerpt from Katharyn's "The Sidestep Chronicle"

[ninjitsugrrl]

yeah, i am vice president of the glbt group at my college and we are participating in the day of silence next week. i am excited about it. don't feel bad for not participating though... everyone has to do what they feel comfortable with.

one question: any other glbt group leaders out there? i would love to exchange ideas. i think my e-mail is available but, if not, it's egfisher@bsu.edu.

Tara: Do you mind if I keep the light on? I was gonna look up some spells.
Willow: That's fine, I don't need to be snuggled...
Tara: Vixen!

[anakin1218]

Im participating in the National Day of Silence,although I don't know if my school is or not. Great thread btw.



Here's a few links that may be helpfull.



younggayamerica.com/



www.outproud.org/

[FriskyLez]

Alexis_18, Orion and others just coming out,



This Lez is a 47 year old "dyke"..I hated the negative connotation of that word when i came out in 1979, but have "embraced it" and discovered it's only a word it's not who i am..I came out when the gay rights movement had just started and it was by no means easy..I was in the Army oddly enough, whoda thunk it, join the army and come out Anyway to make a long story short, there is no set time you have to tell your parents, there is no one type of lesbian or gay..Each person is an individual, if there is a label that fits you great, if not who cares...



My best advice if you're just coming out, learn to accept yourself, there is nothing wrong with you no matter what people say..Accept that no matter what you do, no matter how hard you try, there will be people who dont understand and never will..

I lost a lot of friends when i came out, but they probably weren't friends to begin with if they chose to blow me off cause im a lesbian..



Find other young kids your age, talk to each other, be supportive of one another, you'll find it's alot less lonely..The main thing is self acceptance, realizing you are not alone, there are tons of people like yourself out there..I love talking to young kids, just coming out..I like to think in some small way, those of us 40+ who came out years ago, paved the way..There is still a long way to go, but it is better..Regardless of whether you are lesbian or gay, you are still the same person your parents loved, your friends liked and your peers respected..Peace..

Carpe Noctem

Edited by: FriskyLez  at: 4/5/02 12:17:15 am

[GreenNeutron]

You've got to be careful when you come out to parents though... I mean... especially if you're still dependent on them and you live in the American South. Here people can hold _bunches_ of really out-dated opinions...

And I can personally name 3 (including myself) queer teens who've gotten kicked out of their houses because they came out to their parents. And I didn't come out like 20 years ago either, I came out this year! I dunno... it's different for everyone, but I'd recommend coming out to some of your friends first, and finding an organization for sexual minority youth in your area before coming out to your parents. Just to be safe. It's sad, but unfortunately it happens.



Good Luck!



~Melissa



Geek.

[FriskyLez]

Re butch/femme issues, A note of caution, just as those here wouldnt want anyone to "assume" anything about them because they happen to be lesbian or gay, i dont think assumptions should be made, if one is newly coming out, about butch/femme and the common misconceptions re them..Im not saying anyone is, just that as much as those coming out want people to keep an open mind re them, they should do the same for others within the g/l community..There are all different "types" of people in the g/l community, its a very diverse, eclectic group, but we are all "family"..

Carpe Noctem

[tommo]

I'm going to stick my neck out here and give an opinion. Woah. As far as butch/femme goes, I've never really been affected by that in my life as a gay woman. I appreciate women who are all manner of "types" (although I hate categorizing by using that word, apologies).



Talking mainly about myself and my girlfriend, we're not butch and we're not femme. We're kind of a mix of the two. We have tendencies towards both at times, and at others we don't.



But I really like the mixture. And I love the diversity. And I also really like that it doesn't matter to either myself or my girlfriend.



Okay, liberalism 101 ends. Sigh.

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Hey Grrrrlfriend! Yoo hoo! Over here! It's me...Flaming Joel!

[BloodysGirl]

Okay...I am attracted to girls AND boys. And It is confusing I'm not sure what or even who I am anymore. I've tried to talk to my mother about it and all she says is "Well if you are that's okay but I doubt it. Plus you're too young." I try to tell her that you are never too young to have feelings for someone! I have a burning feeling in my tummy when I think about it. I'm not sure what to do! Can someone give me some advice?

-B.G.

Anya : I swear, I am just trying to find my necklace.

Willow : Well, did you try looking inside the sofa in hell?

[FriskyLez]

Tommo, Your openmindedness is a wonderful thing I personally dont like labels, but in some ways it does help to "identify" oneself...Ive always said people are attracted to whom they are attracted to, but dont assume something ie the stereotypical view of b/f unless you get to know the person..Much like the young girl did with Chloe Sevigny in If These Walls Could Talk 2..She and her friends made assumptions and the young girl found out its the person on the inside not the clothes on the outside..I have experienced the "misperception" of

b/f in the lesbian community...Having been out for 22 years, ive seen alot , but i always hope someone gets to know me before they pass judgement..You are so right, i think everyone is a mixture of both, its just that some have more of one than the other...

Carpe Noctem

[ambercatsmom]

I came out to my folks when I was 14, well I'm 43 now. Yeah it was pretty traumatic. But with everything that I have learned since then. It doesn't matter if your a militant flag waver, in the closet, or in plain sight or bi or trans. Life is way too short my friends, the most important things are to respect yourself, respect those that you love, and those that would judge you well leave them to God or some other higher being.



But the folks that really do love you will not turn their backs on you. At first some of them may not totally understand where your coming from. Give 'em some time to adjust. But finding support is extremely important.



I've gotten a lot out of what everyone has said on this thread.

[BloodysGirl]

How do you know if your gay? I mean, do you get a feeling or what? HELP! Email me if you have to have to I just need answers!

-B.G.

Anya : I swear, I am just trying to find my necklace.

Willow : Well, did you try looking inside the sofa in hell?

[FriskyLez]

BG, I see that you are a young lass Let me just put a very simple way, its the only way to explain it really, at least for me..The same way someone would realize they are hetereosexual, ie they have an attraction for the opposite sex..i know im a lesbian because im attracted to those of the same sex...Ive known, but really didnt understand at the time, that i was attracted to girls since i was in the third grade..The one time i kissed a boy in high school, i knew that didnt do it for me..Then i met a wonderful woman in the army, i kissed her and knew that was it...If its not for you youll know that as well doll, its instinct more than anything else Hope that answers your question..

Carpe Noctem