Things that make you go hmmm? The general humor thread.

[SoulieBaby]

If you have come across pictures like the ones below, jokes or anything else you can think of which might be funny, this is the place to share it. For lesbian jokes we have the, yes you guessed it, Lesbian Jokes Thread.



The mods



I don't know if this is the right place, but have a look at these..

.:: Shrine of Angelina Jolie : Angelina Messageboard : Girls who love Girls Messageboard ::.

"When I saw you, I was afraid to talk to you. When I talked to you, I was afraid to kiss you. When I kissed you, I was afraid to love you. Now that I love you, I'm afraid to lose you"

Edited by: DrG at: 11/20/03 12:52 pm

[cattwoman98111]

LOL, i can see why these make you go hmmm.



Open range is my fav.



Catt

I want it. Give it to me. I love it. 7-Year Bitch

[urnofosiris]

They are all great, but the second to last and the last are my favourites. That cow dropping over the edge in that very realistic position like it is just standing there grazing instead of plummeting to it's death. How many cows have fallen onto cars since the invention of the automobile?

The last mosquito that bit me had to check into the Betty Ford Clinic.

--Patsy Stone

[SoulieBaby]

the cow one got me, so did the morgue one.. heehee

.:: Shrine of Angelina Jolie : Angelina Messageboard : Girls who love Girls Messageboard ::.

"When I saw you, I was afraid to talk to you. When I talked to you, I was afraid to kiss you. When I kissed you, I was afraid to love you. Now that I love you, I'm afraid to lose you"

[Tempest Duer]

The stop sign with the "no stopping" sign got me.

I believe in the madness called "now."

[Reel Woman]

ROFL These are great!

[kukalaka]

Well, there was a great link at userfriendly lately. It's a flash animation about the differences between Europeans and Italians:

www.nirvani.net/misc/EUROPE-ITALY.swf



And I got an email about things you shouldn't do when watching Lord of the Rings and my favorite was:

When the Ents decide on intervening in "The Two Towers" do not start shouting "Run, Forest, Run!"

[urnofosiris]

That was pretty funny Kukalaka. I am sure I had seen the part with the cars somewhere else applied to someone else before. I don't remember who and where though, all the scenes after the bus (good one ) were new to me.

The last mosquito that bit me had to check into the Betty Ford Clinic.

--Patsy Stone

[SoulieBaby]

Ever notice how a 4 year old's voice is louder than 200 adult voices?



Several years ago, I returned home from a trip just when a storm hit, with crashing thunder and severe lightning. As I came into my bedroom about 2 a.m., I found my two children in bed with my wife, Karey, apparently scared by the loud storm. I resigned myself to sleep in the guest bedroom that night. The next day, I talked to the children, and explained that it was O.K. to sleep with Mom when the storm was bad, but when I was expected home, please don't sleep with Mom that night. They said OK. After my next trip several weeks later, Karey and the children picked me up in the terminal at the appointed time. Since the plane was late, everyone had come into the terminal to wait for my plane's arrival, along with hundreds of other folks waiting for their arriving passengers. As I entered the waiting area, my son saw me, and came running shouting, " Hi, Dad! I've got some good news!" As I waved back, I said loudly, "What's the good news?" "Nobody slept with Mommy while you were away this time!" Alex shouted. The airport became very quiet, as everyone in the waiting area looked at Alex, then turned to me, and then searched the rest of the area to see if they could figure out exactly who his Mom was.

[hr]

An acquaintance of mine who is a physician told this story about her then 4 yr. old daughter. On the way to preschool, the doctor had left her stethoscope on the car seat, and her little girl picked it up and began playing with it. "Be still, my heart," thought my friend, "my daughter wants to follow in my footsteps!" Then the child spoke into the instrument: "Welcome to McDonald's. May I take your order?"

[hr]

A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, "I'm Mr Sugarbrown's daughter." Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, "I'm Jane Sugarbrown." The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, "Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?" She replied, "I thought I was, but mother says I'm not."

[hr]

A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside and play with the boys? Her mother replied, "No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough. The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, "If can find a smooth one, can I play with him?"

[hr]

A Sunday school teacher asked her little children, as they were on the way to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."

[hr]

At the beginning of a children's sermon, one girl came up to the altar wearing a beautiful dress. As the children were sitting down around the pastor, he leaned over and said to the girl, "That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter dress?" The girl replied almost directly into the pastor's clip-on mike,"Yes, and my Mom says it's a bitch to iron."

.:: Shrine of Angelina Jolie : Angelina Messageboard : Girls who love Girls Messageboard ::.

"When I saw you, I was afraid to talk to you. When I talked to you, I was afraid to kiss you. When I kissed you, I was afraid to love you. Now that I love you, I'm afraid to lose you"

[Tempest Duer]

SoulieBaby, I love those! Especially the one about people in church.

I believe in the madness called "now."

[SoulieBaby]

k..



The following were answers provided by 6th graders during a history test. Watch the spelling! Some of the best humor is in the misspelling. Even funnier read aloud to someone else!



1. Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert. The climate of the Sarah is such that all the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.



2. Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada.



3. Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines.



4. The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female moth.



5. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.



6. In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled biscuits, and threw the java.



7. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out: "Tee hee, Brutus."



8. Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonized by Bernard Shaw.



9. Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted "hurrah."



10. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking. Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper.



11. The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couple. Romeo's last wish was to be laid by Juliet.



12. Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.



13. Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backward and declared, "A horse divided against itself cannot stand." Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.



14. Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. They believe the assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.



15. Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was very large.



16. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.



17. The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbits. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species. Madman Curie discovered the radio. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx Brothers





Kids say the darndest things!



1. After putting her children to bed, a mother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. At last she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard her three-year-old say with a trembling voice, "Who was THAT?"



2. A mother was telling her little girl what her own childhood was like "We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods." The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this in. At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"



3. My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?" I mentally polished my halo while I asked, "No, how are we alike?" "You're both old," he replied.



4. A little girl was diligently pounding away on her father's word processor. She told him she was writing a story. "What's it about?" he asked. "I don't know," she replied. "I can't read."



5. I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me, and always she was correct. But it was fun for me, so I continued. At last she headed for the door, saying sagely, "Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these yourself!"



6. A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments. They were ready to discuss the last one. The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was. Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted, "Thou shall not take the covers off thy neighbor's wife."



7. Our five-year-old son Mark couldn't wait to tell his father about the movie we had watched on television, "20,000 Leagues Under the Sea." The scenes with the submarine and the giant octopus had kept him wide-eyed. In the middle of the telling, my husband interrupted Mark, "What caused the submarine to sink?" With a look of incredulity Mark replied, "Dad, it was the 20,000 leaks!"



8. When my grandson, Billy, and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, "It's no use, Grandpa. The mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights."



9. When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, "I'm not sure." "Look in your underwear, Grandma," he advised. "Mine says I'm four."



10. A second grader came home from school and said to her mother, "Mom, guess what? We learned how to make babies today." The mother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. "That's interesting," she said, "How do you make babies?" "It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'."





Dear All,



There is a dangerous virus going around. It is called WORK.



If you receive WORK from your colleagues, your boss, or anyone else,via e-mail or any other means, DO NOT TOUCH IT! This virus wipes out your private life completely.



If you should come into contact with WORK, put on your jacket, take two good friends and go straight to the nearest pub.



Order the antidote known as BEER. Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.



Forward this warning immediately to at least 5 friends. Should you realize that you do not have 5 friends, this means that you are already infected and that WORK already controls your life.





*instead of double posting, edit your first post and add anything new to that one.

.:: Shrine of Angelina Jolie : Angelina Messageboard : Girls who love Girls Messageboard ::.

"When I saw you, I was afraid to talk to you. When I talked to you, I was afraid to kiss you. When I kissed you, I was afraid to love you. Now that I love you, I'm afraid to lose you"

Edited by: Warduke at: 11/25/03 8:20 pm

[SoulieBaby]

heehee here's some more to do with kiddies..



6 Reasons not to mess with a child

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah". The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?" The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".



A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.

The girl replied, "I'm drawing God." The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like." Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."



One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother has several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?" Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white." The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"



The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.' A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, She's dead."



A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.." "Yes," the class said. "Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?" A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty."



The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching. Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples.

.:: Shrine of Angelina Jolie : Angelina Messageboard : Girls who love Girls Messageboard ::.

"When I saw you, I was afraid to talk to you. When I talked to you, I was afraid to kiss you. When I kissed you, I was afraid to love you. Now that I love you, I'm afraid to lose you"

[Jennpurr]

*snort*



OMG... these are so hillarious!!!!



More please!



Jen

---

||My Fan Fiction and More!|| ||My Yahoo Group||
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
"Amber and I were sort of in the same position as Willow and Tara in that for the longest time we weren't sure what was going on...Then finally it was, "Great! It's official. We're in luurrvvve." ~ Alyson Hannigan

[MellindraX]

Quote:

---

Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbits.

---

Somebody should go tell Anya [cause somebody had to say it!]

I’ve never purposely gone out to take somebody out. Well, maybe, in elementary school I once did try to trip somebody. –Amber Benson

I'm an idiot. Ask me how.

[sprhrgrl]

My favorite flash animation ever is at http://members.cox.net/impunity/endofworld.swf. It's amazingly fabulous. Make sure your sound is on.

Sweetie, I'm a fag. I been there. - Tara (Dead Things shooting script)

A muscle cramp? in your. . . pants? - Tara (Older & Far Away)

I can scramble an egg, I won't eat it but I can scramble it. - Amber

Edited by: sprhrgrl  at: 11/26/03 11:09 am

[TaraBaby77]

That made me laugh, I really needed that. Thanks, =)



Aaron

'TaraBaby77'

Edited by: Warduke at: 11/27/03 8:35 pm

[AmbeRocks]

a friend of mine send me to this animation too, really funny!

and for our cats lover out there :



www.coeurdamour.com/chat.html



and THE cat

cf.f1.pg.photos.yahoo.com...Mes+photos



jen

There is such a variety of well-invented things that the earth is like the breasts of a woman: useful as well as pleasing - Nietzsche

Edited by: AmbeRocks at: 11/28/03 12:44 pm

[xita]

Ooh, how cute, it's like a little kitten helmet.

- - - - - - - - - - -
"Hard work often pays off after time but laziness always pays off now!"

[SoulieBaby]

that's cute.. heehee

.:: Shrine of Angelina Jolie : Angelina Messageboard : Girls who love Girls Messageboard ::.

"When I saw you, I was afraid to talk to you. When I talked to you, I was afraid to kiss you. When I kissed you, I was afraid to love you. Now that I love you, I'm afraid to lose you"

[AmbeRocks]

That's a must see!!





www.stud.ntnu.no/home/alexann/







jen

There is such a variety of well-invented things that the earth is like the breasts of a woman: useful as well as pleasing - Nietzsche

[littledevil73]

Oh Jen that hippo is just adorable, thanks for sharing.



Ana

Over? How can it be over? I just found her!!

[SoulieBaby]

thanks for that! haha

.:: Shrine of Angelina Jolie : Angelina Messageboard : Girls who love Girls Messageboard ::.

"When I saw you, I was afraid to talk to you. When I talked to you, I was afraid to kiss you. When I kissed you, I was afraid to love you. Now that I love you, I'm afraid to lose you"

[AmbeRocks]

yeah, me again...!



flash.trojangames.co.uk/t...ovie2.html

flash.trojangames.co.uk/t...ovie3.html





pretty funny...in a twisted way





jen

There is such a variety of well-invented things that the earth is like the breasts of a woman: useful as well as pleasing - Nietzsche

Edited by: AmbeRocks at: 12/7/03 4:22 pm

[cattwoman98111]

Well, i'm not even sure what to say about that one.



Hmmm, i did chuckle tho...

[SoulieBaby]

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.



"In honour of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each possess something that symbolises Christmas to get into heaven."



The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle" he said. "You may pass through the pearly gates" Saint Peter said. The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells" . Saint Peter said "You may pass through the pearly gates".



The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties. St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolise?"



The man replied, "They're Carols".

.:: Shrine of Angelina Jolie : Angelina Messageboard : Girls who love Girls Messageboard ::.

"When I saw you, I was afraid to talk to you. When I talked to you, I was afraid to kiss you. When I kissed you, I was afraid to love you. Now that I love you, I'm afraid to lose you"

[cattwoman98111]

i got sent this email, usually i dont bother with them, but this was kinda cute:



you follow the instructions and by the end you will have a new name.



Use the third letter of your first name to determine your new first name:







a = poopsie b = lumpy



c = buttercup d = gadget



e = crusty f = greasy



g = fluffy h = cheeseball



i = chim-chim j = stinky



k = flunky l = boobie



m = pinky n = zippy



o = goober p = doofus



q = slimy r = loopy



s = snotty t = tootie



>u = dorkey v = squeezit



w = oprah x = skipper



y = dinky z = zsa-zsa







Use the second letter of your last name to determine the first half of your new last name:







a = apple b = toilet



c = giggle d = burger



e = girdle f = barf



g = lizard h = waffle



i = cootie j = monkey



k = potty l = liver



m = banana n = rhino



o = bubble p = hamster



q = toad r = gizzard



s = pizza t = gerbil



u = chicken v = pickle



w = chuckle x = tofu



y = gorilla z = stinker







Use the fourth letter of your last name to determine the second half of your new last name:







a = head b = mouth



c = face d = nose



e = tush f = breath



g = pants h = shorts



i = lips j = honker



k = butt l = brain



m = tushie n = chunks



o = hiney p = biscuits



q = toes r = buns



s = fanny t = sniffer



u = sprinkles v = kisser



w = squirt x = humperdinck



y = brains z = juice







Thus, for example, George W. Bush's new name is Goober Chickenshorts.





And my new name is:



Zippy LiverTush



i made the mistake of actually sending this back to the person who sent it, now my new nickname is Zippy. She just thought it was fitting. hrrmph.

[xita]

Boobie Cootiebrain



that's pretty funny.

- - - - - - - - - - -
"Hard work often pays off after time but laziness always pays off now!"

[Triscuit7]

Boobie Bubblelips



Well, it's alliterative....



Ciao, Melissa

******************



I brought marshmallows!

[SoulieBaby]

Poopsie Girdlesquirt

.:: Shrine of Angelina Jolie : Angelina Messageboard : Girls who love Girls Messageboard ::.

"When I saw you, I was afraid to talk to you. When I talked to you, I was afraid to kiss you. When I kissed you, I was afraid to love you. Now that I love you, I'm afraid to lose you"

[cattwoman98111]

Xita, that is pretty funny.

Boobie huh, kinda fits in with Pervy...