How to start over

[Kerrison20]

My partner of 10 years decided last Friday to let me know that she doen't love me anymore. Through a week of tears, panic attacks, therapist, and meds, I am finally at a mindset where I can type this.

How do you move on? I have no friends. She was my one and only confidant. We were attached at the hip everyday for almost 10 years. I had no need for friends so I didn't make any. And now I'm looking around feeling like a freak with no life. I'm 31 years old and I don't even know how to make real friends.

I have people I know from work, but I need some real friends. You know the curl up on the couch cry with me about my ex and help me eat that pint of chocolate ice cream kind of friend. The one who will look at me tear stained red faced and completely unpresentable, but still tell me that I'm beautiful and that I'm going to be ok.

God I'm sorry, I don't really know what I mean. I just babble when I have feelings that need to come out. But damnit, I'm not deleting. Its how I feel so it stays.

To sum up. Once you reach a certain age, HOW do you find friends. That sounds so stupid, but I've been out of the loop for 10 years.

Lisa

Edited because I can't spell very well when upset

[Nue]

this sucks... this sucks really hard... I´m really sorry for your ex being such a... I don´t know what to call her, but I don´t think she´s a nice person... you just don´t DECIDE you don´t love someone like that, you just don´t be so MEAN about someone you were supposed to love for 10 freaking years...

I can related to your problem to find some real friends... I´m on that boat too... I´m really away from you now, but if you need to talk, I´m here, ok?

[Kerrison20]

Thank you.

The only thing I have to say though, is that I'm don't really blame my ex. I mean I do in a way. But I knew she was struggling with something for a while now. I'm the one who convinced her to go to counseling and I think the end result of that was that she needs to be her own person. Not part of a half.

She says that she's devastated and that she hates her self for hurting me, but that she couldn't lead me on. Part of me is greatful for that. We still hope to be friends on the other side of this. But I think my therapy needs to be to get myself out there. Not for dating because I don't think I could do that for a very very long time. But I need to find out who I am. And I feel that she handled this the best way she know how. She did what she thought was right, for better or for worse.

But thank you for your words.

Lisa

ETA: I now read profiles before posting stupid questions. Yeah me!!

[Nue]

maybe she needs a break from everything... but hurting someone because of this isn´t NEVER the answer... ok, at least she knows about what se did to you, but this isn´t about her.. this is about you and how you´ll recover, start over... it´s really hard to walk alone after a long time being with someone...

but you know.. baby steps... we can´t learn how to walk without falling a couple of times...

[JustSkipIt]

Lisa,
Wow. I am so incredibly sorry to hear that. I guess what you're describing is something that so many of us fall into where we get into a relationship and let it become our entire life and our entire social life. I've certainly been guilty of it myself. I have let go of many of the friends I had when I met my wife. I've kept a few and made some new ones which is great.

Anyway, I don't think there's any way to magically come up with those type of friends who will hold you as you cry or let you eat their ice cream or answer the phone in the middle of the night.

As far as the starting over or making new friends. I would look for activities that interest you. Do you like live music, poetry reading, kayaking, hiking, volleyball, church, choir? I think it said you live in Boston. I'm guessing there's a large lesbian population there? So you'll come across some friends. To me the important thing is to start doing activities you like because then you may or may not meet people. If you do, they'll be people who like what you like to do. If not, you'll still be doing activities you like.

Good luck.
Debra

[Redsbird]

Lisa,
I'm not sure about making new friends, other than reiterating what others have said...seek out simalar interests, maybe seek out an old friend. But I can say I've been in a similar situation. At the time, my wife and I had been together for 7 years and she just decided she wasn't a lesbian anymore (not that she was str8, either, more like nothing). We continued to live together as domestic partners; I sorta dated, but was heartbroken. She needed to find herself, too, I guess. After a couple years, her "temporary insanity" (her phrase) ran its course and we got back together. We count that rough patch as part of our history and this year we're celebrating 20 years together.
So I guess what I'm saying is, since you do kinda understand the 'why' on her part, maybe this is something that can be worked through. Even if you don't have friends nearby, it seems that you have further away, but nonetheless caring friends here and maybe elswhere online. Believe me, they are a blessing!
good luck!
~~

[Kerrison20]

I appreciate all the advice you guys have given. I'm trying to figure out how to get off of my butt to try new things. I've always had a bit of social anxiety and I've never liked trying new things without having someone with me to ease the embarrassment. And as far as the lesbian population of boston, I don't even know where to begin. lol It just seems overwhelming to not have someone at my side to help me figure it out.

I'm gonna stop whining now. I'm determined to make today a happy day. No matter what.


You guys have seriously been a huge help though.

Thanks,

Lisa

[Nue]

hey, online or offline, we´re here to help, ok?

[chipperdyke]

The easiest way to make friends is go somewhere that nobody knows anybody there either, so you're all in the same boat. Aside from that, you can always pick up some new interests- sports are a great way to both feel better, and meet people. Try taking an introductory sports class or something, maybe fencing or archery (both great sports full of lesbians =P)

Also, you have to realize that living as only half of a whole wasn't healthy for you, either - it's just not a healthy way to be. I was like that with my girlfriend, but we both realized it and we're going our own ways now. It's hard, but it's better too, in a way... Hey, now I have the time to talk to you! =P

[Kerrison20]

I'm turning this into my personal bitching thread.

As it turns out I don't even know if I can afford to stay in boston by myself. And as the out lesbian I am, running home to South Carolina isn't really what I wanna do.

:(

I just wanna curl up and sleep for a month. (I thought we had a cute little kitty curling up and sleeping emoticon, but I guess not. Picture something like that in this space. )

[Nue]

first things first... if you know going back home isn´t an option, and if you like Boston, try to find a smaller place... at least for now... study your budget and I´m sure you´ll make it ^^

[twink]

Hey Lisa,

Very sorry to hear about your situation. :( Huge big pain in the butt all wrapped into one on that.

Maybe you're not quite the sporty/outdoorsy person...maybe you'd like to volunteer at a humane shelter or with one of the dog or cat rescue groups that do adoptions? That gets you out of the house meeting other people and helping animals! All good things to do. Plus if you're shy you have a friendly wet nose there to focus on that doesn't judge

Maybe a move to a smaller place is in order to help w/ the finances. Plus getting out of the area that you look around and see reminders of each other every day in might help you move on as well. It kinda gives you a fresh start all around.

Making friends isn't always the easiest thing to do, but it can be done! Just have confidence in yourself in whatever you do and try to stay positive.

Chin up!

[Kerrison20]

Well, my situation has changed somewhat. My girlfriend is moving out and I'm going to try to keep the apartment. So now I'm going to rent out the extra bedroom. I'm looking at lots of roommate sites but I also wanted to give boston based kittens a shot as well. So if anybody is looking for a place let me know. 900$ a month, utilities included.

Lisa

Wish me luck.

[Nue]

*wishing a lot of luck*

I hope you can get a roommate soon ^^