I hated, hated, HATED this movie!

[sandbarDragon]

I just tried watching "Don't Look in the Cellar." I know what you're thinking, and yes, from the title I was expecting B-movie crap. But this....was just...

I mean it has to be a joke, right? My dog could make a better movie than that!


Also, "Open Water." Talk about a waste of film (or whatever newfangled device we use these days.) It's exactly what it sounds like. Some people floating around in the ocean for the extent of the movie... I'm tempted to compare it to "Burried," but at least that movie had a statement to make. "Open Water" was just... It's one of those movies where you keep watching cuz you think it's gonna get better...but it never ever does.
They call it a psychological thriller. It is neither thrilling nor psychological. What it is...is BORING.

Avoid at all costs.

[Hemiola]

Didn't see the first one, but I have to disagree with you about the second.

While "Open Water" is certainly no classic, it is based on an actual occurance (it's supposed to have happened in Australia), and it has some interesting pyschological insights.

[Hemiola]

I have a sort of "general hatred" not so much of a particular film as of the idea of making the film in the first place. The real focus of this hatred can be summed up in two words: SENSELESS REMAKES.

Some examples:
"Psycho" - The original film is already a cinema classic. Why re-make it in color?
"Total Recall" - The original, with Arnold Schwarzenegger was perfectly fine. Why spend the money?
"The Amazing Spiderman" - What was wrong with the Tobey Maguire/Kirsten Dunst film? Do bigger and louder SPFX and 3D make that much of a difference?
etc.
etc.
etc.

[T.G.I.F.]

/geek mode on

Whoooooo there! The Amazing Spider-Man was NOT a remake. The filmseries with Toby Maguire and Kirsten Dunst are based on a completely different Spider-Man comic than The Amazing Spider-Man. Hence the presence of the Gwen Stacy character.

/geek mode off

[Pavlov'sBell]

-Buffy the Vampire Slayer (1992)- And this is a prime exampel of why you don't mess with a script, and don't allow the actors to just do whatever they want. I've read the original script that Joss sent in, and it was a thousand times better than this piece o'crap. I've seen this movie once the entire way through, and I don't believe I'll ever do it again. The acting is pretty bad, the characters are nothing like what they were in the original script, and most importantly, the movie treats itself like a complete comedy. The original script had comedy, yes, but it was the same kind of comedy that we got with the show, dark-edged and relevant to the situation in which it was used.

-Nightmare On Elm Street (2011 or 2012)- Remake. Nothing else really needs to be said. The acting was shotty, the script wasn't there, and it was just too short. The original is close to 2 hours, I believe. This one clocked in at around an hour and twenty minutes. No need for this.

[Hemiola]

Two more absolutely pointless re-makes:

"The Haunting" - The original B&W film from the 1960s was one of the greatest ghost/horror films ever made. It had a super cast (that included Julie Harris, Claire Bloom and Russ Tamblyn [Amber's dad]), a great director/editor (Robert Wise), and a wonderfully creepy score (by Humphrey Searle). The multi-million dollar re-make had very elaborate special effects and was in color, but it was not even close to the quality of the original. Okay, it did have two small positive points: James Marsters has a small part in it, and it is the only major motion picture I can think of that actually shows a clavichord.

"Prometheus" - As far as I can tell, this is simply a re-make of "Alien", which was superior on every level. That Ridley Scott, the director of "Alien" had anything to do with it makes it all the more incomprehensible that it was made.

Don't get me wrong: I don't have anything against re-makes per se. After all, "The Maltese Falcon" was the second(!!) re-make of the Hammett story. Hitchcock re-made his own "Man Who Knew Too Much" to very good effect. It's pointless, badly done re-makes that make me nauseous.

[T.G.I.F.]

Huh. James Marsters was in the remake of 'The House on Haunted Hill' not in the remake of 'The Haunting'...

[Hemiola]

Thanks for the info, TGIF, and thanks for mentioning another pointless re-make: the original film was one of the best of William Castle's productions, with great performances by Vincent Price and (in a small part) Elisha Cook, Jr.

The re-make was just...ugh. :(

[T.G.I.F.]

If you stop considering the remake as a remake, I think it is quite a good movie actually. Doctor Vannacutt scared the shit out of me.

[Hemiola]

I can't help it. I'm old, and I saw the original version in the movies when it came out (complete with the silly flying "Emerg-O" skeleton).

[T.G.I.F.]

I have seen the original, I am secretely a little bit in love with Vincent Price. Man, that man had charisma and he was a great actor. But the remake has Famke Janssen in it, and she is Dutch so my patriotic side rises hehe.

[Dennio]

I absolutely hate every single movie in the "Final Destination" series.

When I was ten my sister got a three disk set of the first three movies, and she watched them all in the same day out in the living room, and the living room in my house is in the same room as the kitchen and the dining room so whenever I went to grab something to eat, go on the computer, or walk to the bathroom all I could hear were the sounds of screaming and other unpleasant things... however, the way my TV is placed in the room makes it so t's almost impossible to not see it unless you're standing with your back to it. So not only was the living room/kitchen/dining room filled with screams for about four hours it was also filled with the visuals of people dying in various ways.

Now being ten I had already seen scary movies like "The Unborn" and "The uninvited" I believe, but the Final Destination series really scarred me because even though it was likely that a person could really die the ways they were shown in the movie it really freaked me the hell out seeing average people die from everyday things.

That's just my personal experience, but to be honest the Final Destination movies are really crappy. I swear that the movies were made just so the writers and/or director could kill a bunch of people. I mean they all died anyways at the end, pretty much. So why not just line them all up against a fence and put a bullet through their head instead to save the audience the over an hour long pointless death-feast?

[Dub]

Anything Hallmark,

Every single film has the exact same plot.

-Young woman heading home for some reason. She is nervous but is it about going home or is she nervous about the direction her life is heading?

-Cuddles and smiles with the family apart from that one relative who gives the stink eye while giving a hug to the main character. No one else can see but the audience can. Such teases.

-Going around the house and town the main character has memories flood her brain, subtle but sombre smiles at different town landmarks and whatever state the leaves are in due to the season. Because natural beauty, to add to them saying the character who they try to look all natural has a skip full of makeup on her face is a natural beauty.

- Bumps into her best friend who she hasn't spoken to at all for years but that doesn't matter because the plot requires a girl bond and the NEVER subtle hint of a old high school flame being in town. The one who got away, got married and had a kid.

- Awkward family dinner because you'll never guess what. The high school flame has only just rocked up returning a spanner because it turns out he moved back to town and works for the family business being chummy with Daddy he is instantly invited to eat with them. (Does every cook too much in films, there is always spare for guest. portion control people!)

- A quiet minute away from the family the main character and the high school flame reminisce and he declares his love at the time but he thought she was going out with a clearly platonic friend. Make sure the scene is in front of a log fire because really have to hammer home the point that its flame-y between them.

- The high school flame leaves leaving the main character sad. He loves her but he's married now.

- Cue phone call from work. Only its not any work its her dream job confirming she is hired and they want her in work half way across the country on Monday.

- Nothing is for her here, if her high school flame has moved on. Lets forget the family and friends, low crime rates and community feel.

- Meet up at the park with the girl pal, talking about the awkward dinner. Friend questions who gave the high school flame the impression she was going out with the platonic friend.

- It doesn't matter though because who is at the park? Its only the high school flame!

- main character watches him as his son runs up to him and he picks him up and twirls him in the air. smiles on both their faces, the perfect life. What a great Dad, such a DILF, but a married DILF.

- Main character goes to walk away but the DILF notices her and calls her over. Wants to introduce her to his son. Aww so sweet *retches*(facebook is where you show off your kids with such in your face aggression, might as well pick up the kid and start slamming them in her face)

- Brings up a talk about a charity fundraiser for the school. which is why he needed the spanner the other day because DILF DIY stuff. charity, loves kids, can put up shelves - PHAWWW!

- They walk, they talk, they laugh. Main Character falls in love with the kid instantly because his sneezes sound cute.

- Come to the end of walk/talk/laugh because they are off to see Mom. Only they've walked into the cemetery with flowers. DILF is a WIDOW! YES HES A WIDOW! A WIDOW I TELL YOU!

- Happiness, practically skipping home. But she looks at her emails and its details of her dream job. How can she go now she has a chance with DILF - he was her high school flame don't you know.

- Talks through her options with the girl pal at a café over coffee. Never brought up why the girl pal didn't say he was a widow in the first place. Classic girl pal so ditsy but quirky and you'll love her. Often wears glasses.

- Goes to set up at the charity event still none the wiser. Turns out its the stink eye relative who is running it and her hands are all over that tight, thin, white cotton t shirt wearing, DIY doing DILF. He wipes his sweaty brow - Panty drop.

- It was her. The stink eye relative had made the high school flame think all those years ago that main character was with the clearly platonic friend. DRAMA!

- Main Character walks away and accepts that dream job.

- Sad montage of main character packing and looking out the window at the leaves to remember the natural beauty while the fire flickers behinder inthe fire place. Its still flame-y.

- Gets dressed up and heads to the charity event.

- Stink eye relative gets too stressed and has a meltdown. Main character steps in and to calm the moment she has a rousing speech and starts a song that everyone eventually joins in with. As the song goes on the DILF and his son join her on stage. They are a family unit.

- The event is a total success. the raffle raised enough to get that bench painted. Pointed out to the main character by the DILF. She says how amazing she is and how he's always loved her, his ex wife doesn't come close.

- Her phone rings and she rushes off. its her dream job confirming the details. cue a close up shot of her face and leaving the audience in suspense as to what she's chosen now.

- The room is empty and the main character and DILF walk towards each other in the middle of the room. She apologises and said it was a call she had to take. He comments on her being the most important thing to him. She swoons and they embrace. She whispers in his ear and his face widens. "REALLY?" he cries. She has tears in her eyes and nods. he calls the the kid over for a group hug.

- music starts to play and the main character voice over explains that she whispered that he's the most important thing to her and that she is staying. She describes the end of each character arc as the footage shoes the people around town doing just that.

- final shot of them standing in front of a house as the kid plays in the front yard. the main character and DILF kiss.

- screen is black, credits roll.


Now pay attention because when Hallmark do a Christmas film they change the formula ever so slightly.

- Home for Christmas

- Not a charity thing, its a Christmas fair

- song is a Christmas carol


So yeah, Hallmark hire me. I know your formula and unlike Coca-Cola you're never going to change it.