Hi everyone. I don't know if ya'll watch Boston Legal, but I happen to love it. I think it has some of the best writing on television. The reason I'm posting this is because last week there was a great closing statement from Alan Shore (one of the lawyers on the show), and I thought I'd post it and see if anyone else loved it. The episode concerned an elderly man who was suing a religious organization because they failed to "cure" his homosexuality.
Judge: What are you doing?
Alan Shore: Climbing on my soapbox, Judge. I do it once a week.
Judge: Get off that thing now, Mr. Shore!
Alan Shore: You sure? This is vintage soapbox stuff. You’ve got God, money, steps off soapbox politics, homosexuality. Has anyone ever heard of restless legs syndrome? It’s where you move your leg about in your sleep. It’s awful. You may have it. It may not keep you awake; it doesn’t really harm you in any way. It may not bother you in the slightest, but nonetheless it’s awful. The pharmaceutical companies have declared it so. So they’ve invented a drug, and you simply must take it. If you haven’t heard of restless leg, by the way, you probably have attention deficit disorder. Awful. We’ve got a lot of drugs for that one. You must take them. You’re depressed. You’re not sleeping enough. You think you’re shy, but you’ve actually got a social anxiety disorder. Weak stream. Irritable bowel syndrome. You people have all kinds of ailments you don’t know about. Luckily, we’ve got drugs for every one of them. You must take them. My colleague has a case involving a “Forgetting Pill.” You can take that one to forget you ever had restless leg or irritable bowels!
Judge: Mr. Shore, what are you talking about?
Alan Shore: Same-sex Attraction Disorder. And what troubles me is why the folks in Big Pharmaceutical haven’t invented a pill for this disease. Clearly, they’re in the business of selling sickness. If there was a profit to be made, they would make it. And with an estimated gay population of over 10 million in the U.S. alone, there’s certainly a big enough market. Could it be that they can’t cure it? Well, not to worry. If Big Pharmaceutical can’t do it, maybe Big Religion can. And they are. They’re the ones who coined the term, “Same-Sex Attraction Disorder.” It’s a very good name. Very important, a good name. It’s a crucial first step in disqualifying homosexuals as a segment of the population and categorizing them as a disease. Makes homosexuals seem less like people and more like the flu. And with terrible, awful symptoms, but curable, and therefore less concerning when it comes to things like an individual’s rights: freedom, privacy, marriage. Big Religion is very concerned with marriage. Big Religion is the one filling the pockets of Congress. It actually got them to propose a Constitutional ban on gay marriage. Think about that. A governmentally imposed, systematic prejudice against a class based on their sexual orientation. Never mind that one of the most trusted evangelical advisors to the President was himself having a homosexual affair on the side. Never mind that one of our Congressmen was writing naughty e-mails to his teenage male pages. Isn’t it just a disease? And I thought it was curable. That’s what they told me down at the church. Well, you can legislate against it. You can give it a clever name and treat people for it. You can shut your eyes, have sex with your wife, and pretend it all feels right. You can join the church and swear to be celibate. You can drive around on a Saturday night with a baseball bat and try to beat it out of some poor soul you happen to meet. You can even come to this courtroom and testify as to your new leaf and how well it’s all working. What a miracle! My only response is: Give it time. We’ll see. Meanwhile, this company took $40,000 from my client, promising to cure him of his gayness. Only in America! Only in a country that overtly and notoriously celebrates its prejudice against a class of people by proposing Constitutional amendments. God bless us all! Home of the brave! Shame on you. Couldn’t you have at least offered a money-back guarantee, and thrown in a blender?
Once again, it's an amazing show and I'd love to talk about it. Unfortunately, I haven't caught all the episodes due to my recorder not working, but I still love it.
~Sara
