Gabbles' Musings

[SJ]

Great poems!

[barnabasvamp]

These last few were wonderful.So expressive, especially "Pieces"

BV

[Belli Bear]

Aaalrighty! I bet you’ll beat me in our unofficial feedback war that only i know about *eyeballs you* WE SHALL SEE!

But oh well! Whatever! I’ve got like triple the amount of poems to gush about anyway so neeeeeeeh!

First up.. lets cover the eerily well-written dark poetry..

You Won is now up in my top three from everything you’ve ever written. I’m obsessed with alliteration as I make obvious in everythn I do so

Beat me
Bruise me
Bend me
Break me

The repetition of these and ‘I’m nothing’ stepped out as the highlights of this piece. I especially love ‘I’m nothing’ because it’s just such a powerful statement, it means so much. Some people include it in their poems without really taking in account how potent the words are and it ends up ruining them instead of boosting their impact on the reader. In this it completely complimented all other amazingly emotive types of image and ruthlessly honest language used.

‘pretty patterns mark my frame’ is also just a beautifully constructed sentence, you probably don’t even notice when you write it, but it really has so many layers, it’s wonderfully put together. I say this because even if one looked at it outside of the context of your poem it would still hold a kind of eerie quality to it. That’s what would happen to me anyway lol, it’s coz of the use of the word ‘mark’ I think, because it just doesn’t quite fit, something pretty shouldn’t mark your skin. The word ‘mark’ conjures up images of force and feelings of struggle. Very very well written but I expect no less from a writer of your supreme caliber

Overall, this is a truly heart breaking collection of lines. I can’t really read it a lot because it does really powerful things to me both physically and emotionally, I think, as a reader to a writer, that is the greatest form of feedback I could give to you. It’s such an important part of writing to know that something you’ve created has touched another person so dramatically. So well done, this is going to stay with me for a very long time. I wish I could remember every word so I could remind myself how far people can come, and what obstacles they can surpass.

Okay.. so I was going to leave feedback on every poem but just judging from what I left on that first one I’m gna hafta cut short and just select the amazing ones I cant deny yip

Okay so I really wanna gush about Screaming because after reading it many times it’s grown on me like heat rash but, once again, in the interests of saving space I’ll just present you with this, my ultimate favourite quote..

It's as if they hadn't expected it
But I can't understand
Because I've been screaming for years...

‘because I’ve been screaming for years’ *sighs* woah… that had such a profound impact on me the first time I read over it that I had to go through it all and read it all again. You always do it lol, it’s like a one two punch, you have ur initial poem, and then your closing line, which is always brilliant and thought-provoking and HOW THE HELL DO YOU DO THAT?! *sits jealous* bah.

It's Okay... is just way too good to not leave feedback on.. when I first read the title I was so expecting a tralala happy hopeful type one. *giggles* what a douche I am.. how could I expect that from you? !

So for the first two lines I was still on the hopeful assumption, then with the introduction of ‘no need to beat it into me’ my heart broke.. then sank.. then swirled around in tears for a while as I continued reading..

To look at it analytically, it’s a perfect length, short.. emotive.. pretty much heart-shredding.. ow.. and to end it the same way you started whyyyy do you break my heart so?!


*curses her need to not babble too much* so just a quick thing about the awesome literary work that was.. Me

The hole
Is now me.
Black, bleak
Lost
Unfeeling
Me

*claps and cheers* theeere you go being brilliant again


You...

*grins* I liiike this one.. it’s got an awesome smutty undertone what have yooou been doin heey?!

I still like how you’ve added layers though.. even though you like this girl.. you know you don’t actually have her yet.. so you use teasing language that presents your readers with images opposite to ownership ‘shiver’ ‘trickle’ ‘hint’ ‘flash.’ You’ve done it before in one of your earlier pieces and it was just as astoundingly affective then as it was now.. really a wonderful piece of writing lil g

The same has gotta be said for Distance. It has a wonderful format to it, your eyes are literally torn all over the screen when you read it, its such a great parallel to draw about your topic. *grins* oh how I love analyzing your poems *giggles*

And again with A Kiss? You use the format.. the title.. to express everything your poems about, the purpose is clearly expressed in the title, it’s a question, the whole purpose of the poem is to pose a question.. to clear your head of what’s going on inside by bringing these questions out onto paper. I love your train of thought through all this too.. It’s such a good path through your musings.. I love the ending *blushes at the typicalness of that*

Craves, wants, lusts after
So much, at times
I could just
Break
Down
And
Cry

*siiiiiiiiigh*


*frowns sadly* beeeeeeh,,,

The glass slips far from my grasp
Falling, slowly, fast
Slowing
Speeding
I watch it shatter
Like my heart
Thousands of pieces

*sniffs* oh the badness of Pieces.. well NO! not ‘badness’ coz it was really good.. but the badness of the topic and beeeeh :( you get what I mean..

Despite the frownyness of it all though.. I really can’t help but love the image of the heart being like glass and shattering. Never to be put back together again :( *hugs*

Okay! Feedback is done! Mwahhaa! Interrupted by many messages and phonecalls from various people and yeah you finished my feedback like an hour ago but MEH! *crosses her arms* I hope you’ve enjoyed!

Cheers Captain G take care! *hugs*

*runs off to talk to you*



- Belli XxX

[gabbles]

eee!! *bounces* Feedbackness! YAY

*ahem*...waaayyyyy too much coffee for Gabbles.

So, onto replies!

STACE!!! EEEEE *bounces more* HI GIRL! Your feedback ROCKS:D All your words were gorgeous, sweetie! Thank you so much for such extensive feedback....You're awesomely awesome (I should not give fb replies with this hypo!) *HUGZ*

SJ: You rock dude! Thanks heaps!

barnabasvamp: I like 'Peices', too:D Thanks for the feedback!

BELLLLLIIIIIEEE: AHH you KICKED my butt in the fb thing! You are officially the QUEEN of Feedbacking *hands you a crown and a frilly cape thing*. Okay, babe, your feedback is so amazingly amazing and extensive that it's impossible to reply to it properly, so you get: and a giant THANKYOU for your amazing words! Will that suffice? No!? Fine, here *hands you a giant 100 L tub of Chocolate Icecream* there ya go. Thanks babe! *hugz*


Thanks for the feedback guys!
*hugz*
~Gabs

[gabbles]

Okay...more poemness....


Fading

I feel so lost
So goddamned helpless
When it comes to you...
You asked me to keep you strong
To be your strength
And, damn it...
I promised.
I don't promise things
So easily
As I hate shattered promises
Especially
When I'm the cause of them...
But I promised this
To you
For you
And now I've failed
Failed me
And most of all
Failed you.
I don't know how to save you
Anymore
And feel sick so deep within myself
Because I'm being forced to watch you
Fade away
In front of my eyes
As she takes ahold of you
Bends you to a shape
She's satisfied with
But that is not even a shell
Of who you could be.
I see the look in your eyes
Lost
Miserable
Scared
Ashamed
And I can't even look away
To save myself the torture;
I deserve to be tortured.
Forced into reminder
Of how I failed you
And how this is my fault:
I should have tried harder
Given you more strength
Offered you all of mine
But no...
I didn't.
And now you're back within her grasp
And she's satisfied
And you're more lost then ever
And I can't help you, I can't save you
I can't see you...
Your fading...
And soon you will be gone.



Fall

I feel myself slipping
So slowly over the edge
A steep and never ending drop
Awaits my forgotten soul.
A sob catches in my throat
Trembles run along my skin
My eyes close tight against the pain
As I feel myself fall
Ever so far
With noone to catch me
Just air to snag my skin.

Memories overload my mind
As wind whistles in my ears
My hair lashes against my cheeks
My body shakes in rememberance
Of times that tore apart
Everything that's me.
Nothing above me
Nothing below me
Nothing either side of me
Just how it's always been
As all at once
Not soon enough
The fall ends
And oblivion
Takes away the pain once too brutal
That I had to fall
Over steep and neverending drops
To end its ravaging torment
On my suffering soul.




Thanks for reading!
*hugz*
~Gabs


PS Feedback muchly appreciated:)

[StaceAngel]

*struts in a reads your fb*

uuuum....okay You're crazy! YAY!

Okay so i read these....and they touched me (but uh, don't tell the midgit) =))

However! I am in way too good of a mood to even attempt to give you analytical feedback, so um...to express my fondness of you...can i give you the all-exclusive stace feedback instead? Are you nodding? I hope you're nodding...if you're shaking your head tell me now.... *takes your silence as a no* LET THE CRAZY FEEDBACKING COMMENCE BITCHES!


This!! *points to the red blob of weird looking smileyness* is...BOUNCY MCBOUNCE BOUNCE! Now...he loves your poetry as much as i do HOWEVER i win. Don't i lil ball of red blobby fun? *watches him nod* Okay good... and OH MY DUCK ITSA TIN OF SPAM!!! !!!! ........ How disturbing is that....do they have those people dressed up as meat and cheese products on the corners of streets in Australia? If they do....hoooboy... i'm gonna have to kick spam arse.... .... .... ... ... ... ... ....................... and WOAH! SEESAW HEAD! Do you think he was born like that?! cos OWIE! What a bitch that must've been to squeeze out =))=)) haha -I think! You're the lil angel one...and Belli's the devil (no denying) and the poor lil yellow blob underneath is a- you guessed it- A SPAM WITH PLASTIC SURGERY!

IT IS SHOOOOCKIIING!!!

Wait a cotton picking minuto.... are you checking me out? I dont do yellow things... im a and we dont eat yellow crap and holy shit the smug guy is here!! !!! *whispers* he's been bragging bout the he ed last night.... that wasnt you was it?!



Ima leave now before i get kicked off of your thread cos you suddenly decided you have a hatred of and an undying love for

AUF WIEDERSEHEN GABBYOSOPHUS!

Staceness xXx

[Belli Bear]

okay.. im way too tired to leave feedback right now.. considering i just got up and am still very asleep.. but uh.. i'd just like to apologise for my girlfriend.. see.. it's a really long story.. but basically.. she got dropped into a pile of spam cans when she was a baby.. and has really never been the same since..

it's not her fault.. i swear it.. uh.. LOOK! DANCING MEN!!






*runs away, dragging stace along with her* BABYGIRL LEAVE THE PHONEY MEAT PRODUCTS WITH THE VEGETARIAN WRITER WOMAN!



- Belli XxX

[SJ]

You capture emotions so well in your writing,great poems.

[gabbles]

StaceAngel: Um...I...er...*coughs*...it...er...*looks everywhere but at you*...erm...ah....thankyou? *coughs again*...

Belli: *whispers* lock her up!
Lol..thankyou for the dancing men SLEEP girl! *hugz*

SJ: YAY! Someone atleast a little sane! Thanks for the feedback dude! And thanks for reading!



Um..well....more poems?
*hugz*
~Gabs

[gabbles]

Verse

God
I'm so numb
So gone
So lost.
Wandering along in my mind,
I can't feel a single thing...

She tells me that she hates me
Without a second thought
Her eyes are filled with loathing
And we haven't even fought.

Yet, you know what?
I just can't find it in me to care...

He uses me in every way he can
Not caring what's even fair-
I land so heavy, so lifelessly,
And its like I'm not even there.

My bodies just so numb to it all,
But nothing like my broken soul...

I can't help but lose my patience
And hate all those who don't deserve
To even have to look at me
Is a sentece they shouldn't have to serve.

I can't even blink
At how dark my life's become

I rock alone, and sob in suffering silence
My face streaked with forgotten tears
Fingers tremble as I scratch my skin
Mind twisting laughter into fears.

I shudder at the sound
Of people pretending that they care

Your hands attempt to sooth my shivers
My stomach turns to stone
As I pull back from what isn't meant
Crawling back into shadow to suffer all alone.


Mind
I wander through a darkened room
And feel myself blend
So simply
So easily
With such bleak blackness.
The shadows run together
Becoming lost in what once was seperate
Linked
Merged
Two for one.

I wander though a darkened room;
Stand still within the centre
And feel it as a welcome tomb
With darkness sinking in.
My soul allows it to soak
Through to my very core
And feels it begin to provoke
Happily forgotten nightmares.
My eyes dart all around
And I realise with terror
How utterly alone I'm found
Within this darkened room.
I feel my breaths drag hard and fast
In and out, in and out
And I just know, at last,
That I'm trapped; eternity.
I seat myself upon the floor
And curl within myself
And I feel how my soul tore
At the realisation
So painfully real
That I'm trapped in this room
Alone, fate so surreal,
Bound within my mind.




*hugz*
~Gabs

[SJ]

Great poetry,nice rhythm to your writing

[gabbles]

Hey SJ: Thanks for the feedback:) Rhythm is something I love in poetry, so that meant a lot! Thanks for reading


Okay, I'm not really happy with this one. Lacks....lots. Might rework it and repost it later, but felt like sharing. Feeback appreciated:)


How?

People pass people by
Minds on the day ahead
Or the one
That's just passed them...
And they miss the pain
Drawn
In heavy charcoal pencil
Across the grandmothers face.
And she, as she walks on,
Misses all the misery
Sculpted in
The four year olds eyes
She passes on 45th Street.
As he toddles toward the stoplight
Holding his mothers hand
He misses the shadowed tears
Ghosts from the night before
Sketched upon the cheeks
Of she whose hand he holds.
The lonely mother crosses the street
Not seeing the lips of the middle-aged man
Whom she passes in a rush
Painted with a frown
Accompanied by a boldened sadness.
He wraps his arms around his waist
Eyes lowered to the ground
Gravel crunching beneath his feet
Completely blind to the teenage girl
Who leans against the wall
Of the Service Station
On his left.
Her chest heaves in animated sobs
Her breath gasping in steam
As if modelled by someone's hands.
Her eyes gazing skyward
Seeing something
Yet nothing
She never notices
The abandoned steps
Of pink sneakers
Patterning the pathway
By a little girl of seven.
The little girl of seven
Continues her pattern forward
As her slightly salted lips
Tremble
Eyes clouded with carefully woven tears
She never gets to glance
Towards the old man
Standing at the bus stop.
His face
A watercolour of emotion
Lost within this life.
Fear a butchered blue
Swirling within his eyes
Hurt a rancid red
Flushing his withered cheek
Dismay a pale pink
Fading from his lips.
Cars pass by the bus stop
All lost within themselves.
How is anyone
Going to be seen
If no one ever looks up?



*hugz*
~Gabs

[SJ]

Very atmospheric and descriptive,great poem

[StaceAngel]

I missed poems DAMNIT! Sorry...I read them though And i swear...if you werent a friend i'd be your poem groupie

She tells me that she hates me
Without a second thought
Her eyes are filled with loathing
And we haven't even fought.

That was so powerful...and the fact that it rhymed made me read it three times *giggles*

But that whole poem...it really roped me in, your writing tends to do that to me, i actually get really lost in it, its so expressive and powerful.

The second poem, i loved the imagery, i had really had that oppressive claustraphobic feeling, very provocative *claps* uh oh wait!


But the latest one...

AMAZING!!!!

I know you dont really approve so much of this one but even if this is in its basic form, its still pretty darn amazing! You linked everything so well all the way through, i really got lost in this one...you had my whole undivided attention. Trust me, thats big
Honetly...i really loved this, please write more soon?

****HUUUUUUGS FOR THE GABBYNESS!****


Stace! xXx

[LtSticks]

I'm crying now. Those are fantastic. Seriously, you have a new fan right here.

*runs off for a tissue*

~Emma

[gabbles]

Wow, lotsa replies!

LtSticks: Sorry bout the tears...*hands you a tissue and gives you a Thanks for reading, and for the words

StaceAngel: Spam girl!! :bounce Hi Hi HI!!! Poem groupie!? Hahaha...you can share Bellies badge!!

But that whole poem...it really roped me in, your writing tends to do that to me, I actually get really lost in it, its so expressive and powerful.

*blushes...a lot* awww...thanks hun.
Yeah, that last poem is gonna get worked on a bit, for sure. But I felt the need to share it, so hence...I did Thanks so much for replying Stace! *hugs* hope all is good with you!

SJ:

Very atmospheric and descriptive

Aww thanks, SJ! That was what I was going for with this one, to create some kind of atmosphere...I still need to work on it though:) Thanks so much for reading and replying!


Thanks heaps everyone! I was in a flower mood...can you tell? heehee
*hugz*
~Gabs

[gabbles]

New one...again, I think this needs more work, but..meh...I'm in the midle of my university entrance exams, perfection on this is not what I'm aiming for (TWO days untill my first exam, TWO FREAKING DAYS....okay...I'm breathing...)

So yes, sorry it's long.


I don't know...

You reach out for me
To comfort
To congratulate
To...something
And, God,
I pull away
Purely Instinctive
Purely Automatic
Purely without thinking
I recoil
Sharply
Shamelessly
And your face
Flashes with a hurt so deep
But not as deep as mine.

I turned to you
Once upon a time
In a land not so far, far away
When I was hurt
When I cried
When I needed to be comforted
Congratulated
Or...something.
But then
You hurt me
More then anyone had
Or even ever could
More then I knew possible
More then I ever thought you would...
Or could...
Shattering a trust so strong
Into pieces so small
I lost track
Of the million and one slices
Of something that wasn't even built
But born...
And I watched
As you scattered them to a wind
You conjured up...
And now
Your hand can just
Accidentally
Touch mine
In the car
At home
Anytime
And without a thought
Internally I cringe
And my hand
Jerks back
And you look like I've slapped you
And I feel like I have.
The guilt
Shame
Anger
Pain
Humiliation
Things I've held beneath the surface
Bubble up unwelcome
And I end up
Conflicted
Hating you
And hating me

And I never knew all this was possible
When in relation to you

So I avoid your eyes
I avoid the comfort that had held me since forever

Once upon a time
In a land now so far, far away...

[tarebear]

wow!

that was so painful to read... don't get me wrong, but what i meant was that the emotion conveyed on that poem was filled with pain that i can't help but sympathize... it pulled me in... touched my heart... played over and over in mind... caused my breath to catch... i found a kinship in the feelings conveyed throughout this poem as it made me think about my past... it made me pray that i never experience pain as deep as this, as well as not be its cause... especially someone who entrusted me with their heart.

thank you for sharing your talent... i've read your past poems and i just absolutely love 'em! they all sang to me in their simplistic beauty but emotionally captivating words... i'm glad i stumbled upon your thread...



btw, good luck on your exams!

[SJ]

Great poem
Good Luck with your exams.

[gabbles]

SJ: Thanks SJ And thanks for the good luck...they're over now! yay! *bounces* hopefully now I can write like I used to (ie: constantly!)

tarebear: Wow. Thanks so much!

simplistic beauty but emotionally captivating words

*blushes* Thankyou...many of my poems come out very simple-I never really adjust them from how they first appear on the page. For me, poetry is generally a flow of consciousness, and normally I don't even re-read what comes out, except to spell check it.

Thank you so much for the words And thanks for the good luck! They're over now! YAY! Hopefully exams has not killed the creative side to me. Lol.


Thanks guys!
*hugz*
~Gabs

[gabbles]

This is something quite different to my usual style, and I would really appreciate feedback on it, whether negitive or positive:)



Untold Ending

Swollen silence echoes in the east
Faded fears shadow the west
As searing heat blasts onwards
Ruining all that had been made.
Darkness moves forward
Screams reverberating in its wake
Surging straight
Destructive disaster
Sinister in its joy at the bloody dawn.

Years pass in oppressive taciturnity
Bodies litter the broken horizon
Brazen in its crimson annihilation
Of past history now undone.
Weakened beings move from shadow to shadow
Not living nor dead
Fearing the undeniable resurrection of Darkness
That they themselves brought into existence years before
And will once again;
To bring swollen silence, faded fears
Searing heat, reverberating screams
Leaving crimson pools and shattered antiquity...
Laughter will haunt those left behind.





~Gabs

[SJ]

Great poem

[gabbles]

SJ: Thanks for that SJ!

*hugz*
~Gabs

[gabbles]

Some new ones...hope they're okay.




Too Late

Rungs of the ladder
fall beneath my feet...
As step by step I make my way
to the very bottom.
The journey's hard
long

and seems almost never ending...
I'm old and grey
by the time
my sore-footed feet reach that final rung
and I can step off onto solid ground...

My eyes widen as I find space
emptiness
and nothingness
below my falling feet
and I sink so slow
Yet so
God-damned
fast...

With hindsight
I realise
with surprised stupidity
that I was meant to be moving
Up
from the bottom
not from the up
To the below...
And now
as I fall
It's too late.
Far, far
too
late...



Leaving

I'm fading...
leaving...
Disappearing with my back to this place
and my eyes ahead...
and I ain't ever gonna look behind me...
The memories here wash over me;
the sickening stench of my choking childhood
creep over my skin and make my nerves silently scream
in an utterly stifled protest...
I have to get out
and I feel myself shrink away
as everyone tries to stop me...
attempting to hold me back
keep me trapped behind
to be devoured by my past...
to keep me cruelly kept in a place that claws at my mind
and breaks down any barrier
I've managed to cement...
I can't help but wonder
feel myself ponder
over how they'd react
If they knew
I tried to leave once before
in an entirely different way
...tried to leave the shadow to enter deepening darkness,
purposefully, alone...
and that I'm not sure I'm glad I failed...




*hugz*
~Gabs

[SJ]

Liked both those poems,great writing

[Belli Bear]

Okaaaaaaaaay! After months and months and months of me neglecting to leave you the feedback your astonishing poetry deserves, bell has entered the building.

Part of the reason I’ve been avoiding this is coz its just so freaking painful to read I find myself shedding tears over most of these.. so! with that said and without further ado! Let the feedbacking commence!

Fading

As soon as I started reading that I knew for sure that you wrote it when you were really upset; it just resonates with such an emotional and pained quality.. the internal conflict and sense of self.. well.. betrayal I guess.. is so palpable.. it’s like you couldn’t be more angry and disappointed with yourself for doing this.. my favourite part is a little random but I think the imagery and the way you’ve organized it is just something truly special:

(as) She takes ahold of you
Bends you to a shape
She's satisfied with
But that is not even a shell
Of who you could be.

Ouch Ouch Ouch Ouch Ouch…


*sighs*

Right, next is Fall

This poem can without a doubt be described in one word as epic. Every emotion and image and direction you take it in is just pushed to the very brink of description, it’s really just.. truly an amazing thing to read. That’s looking at it from an analytical point of view lol, lookin at it from a normal point of view just makes me.. *sighs* hurt..

I get this image in my mind when I read this, its weird an kind of anime-ish ( yes i know im weird) and its of this girl and her hair is being whipped out of shape by a really fierce wind and despite what she’s going through, throughout the first lines of the poem in my head she still appears to be solid and strong. My favourite line in this poem breaks that illusion completely and beautifully

a sob catches in my throat

six really simple words.. nothing obviously special or complicated.. but without even trying you’ve managed to create a layered and powerful sense of sheer vulnerability and hurt that sends pangs straight to my heart each time I read it… I find that with a lot of your work the most simple lines and thoughts are the most painful and it’s within that that you’re sheer talent as a writer shines though. I love it.

As a final note on this piece I find the use of the word ‘ravaging’ in this section to be really touching:

That I had to fall
Over steep and neverending drops
To end its ravaging torment
On my suffering soul.

It’s very interesting that you used that word to me, it’s conjures up images of just being completely torn apart and quite literally defiled by your emotions, like memories are forcing themselves upon you in a very physical way. Wow.. *sighs* amazing.. really lil g, just, amazing..

Verse really really got to me.. I could barely finish it coz it just hurt so much

Everything about it.. it doesn’t scream with pain, in fact it does quite the opposite, it doesn’t push its meanings onto you, it just is, and every single line delivers so much pain.. it makes me feel like my lungs have collapsed and there’s a little man inside my chest with a hacksaw beating away at my heart.

These bits really hit hard, the things they imply, the way they make me see things.. they just.. they really hit hard

Yet, you know what?
I just can't find it in me to care...

I land so heavy, so lifelessly,
And its like I'm not even there.

My bodies just so numb to it all,
But nothing like my broken soul...

Fingers tremble as I scratch my skin
Mind twisting laughter into fears.

Lovely bit of rhythm to finish it off, in, of course, a truly desolate illustration:

Your hands attempt to sooth my shivers
My stomach turns to stone
As I pull back from what isn't meant
Crawling back into shadow to suffer all alone.

Mind was a pleasure to read, I really loved the topic, uh.. not to sound morbid or anything I just find it intere- *looks at everyone looking at her like she’s insane* OKAY NEVERMIND! God *sighs* I really loved this bit:

I seat myself upon the floor
And curl within myself
And I feel how my soul tore
At the realisation
So painfully real
That I'm trapped in this room
Alone, fate so surreal,
Bound within my mind.

Firstly just because I think that the word ‘bound’ is really cool, don’t u? I mean common! ‘booound’.. ‘bound!’ it’s so provocative. Secondly because the idea of being trapped within your own mind intrigues and interests me, overall this was a really good read, I loved the beginning, such an awesome way to open.. it’s like you’re bringing the reader with you.. sucking them in. very very well written gabsypants *claps* you’re one of my favourite writers, famous and other. Almost no ones words can touch me like yours can, you’ve got true talent in my mind.


I don't know... was again one of those poems that really spoke to me.. it’s always so painful when relationships you thought were unbreakable just fall apart on you.. *frowns and hugs you* it hurts..

When scanning over this for a favourite section I felt inclined to copy the whole thing so in the interests of saving space (coz Lord knows my feedback takes up too much anyway) I’ll just paste my absolute favourite:

And I never knew all this was possible
When in relation to you

So I avoid your eyes
I avoid the comfort that had held me since forever

Once upon a time
In a land now so far, far away...

’the comfort that had held me since forever’… *smiles* its such a lovely line.. so true when regarding the person you’re talking about. I wish it wasn’t happening between you two.. but I have to say, your literary description of it is truly haunting in it’s own individual melancholy and beautiful way.

ooooh my lord woman Untold Ending is a collection of verses that I WORSHIP *feels the English-freak side of her break down and drool puddles* mmmmmmm… alliteration..

There’s such a sense of war in this piece, of battles and casualties, thousands of losses and the stupidity behind them. A very clever way to end it, I loved that you brought a sense of repetition and a kinda ’things turning full circle’ element to it. It does to much to portray the world as a never ending cycle of looming darkness, and ugh, your vocabulary was just perfect, using the right words is so important in poetry. To me this is a very interesting and almost professional piece, it’s not a bunch of pretty words and clichés thrown onto a piece of paper and called a poem, its really just.. wow.. it wows me YOU WOW ME! *grins* awesome work G.


To me, Too Late seemed like just one thought, stretched out and described in detail. Like, most poems tell a story or you know, talk about stuff aaah im sorry my brain is mush atm I’ve had a hard day yes bell.. poetry talks bout stuff! Good for you! aaarh, ANYWAY! Back to what I was trying to say!

When one first starts to read this, it appears that you are taking your reader on a journey, telling a story, but you’re not. You’re describing a thought, or an occurrence rather, and because of the specific amount of detail and description within the stanzas your reader gets lost within them for a while, but before they know it.. you’ve fallen and its too late. It’s like your allowing your reader to experience what you are.. I know that’s how I felt when I read it at least I was expecting more, something else to happen.. but alas it was too late. Far, far… too late... *smiles*


and finally! Last but definitely not by any means least! Leaving.

In my opinion it’s a real ‘coming of age’ type poem you know? You’re moving on from your past, starting a new chapter of your life, but although you’re moving on, everything that you’ve been through.. all the pain and such.. it hasn’t left you, you haven’t forgotten it, in fact, it’s one of the reasons you’re going, its something to spur you on in moments of doubt. I really like that, you’ve used a truck load of loaded language (forgive the amateur term its thanks to my yr 7 English teacher pounding it into my brain a gazillion times) anyway! You’ve used a truck load of that to let the reader know in a nutshell why you are leaving, but then instead of a positive ending, it’s one of reminiscence..

I love poems with a kick in the shins at the end and this is definitely one of them.. so naturally I really loved this, very painful to read.. the kind of pain that goes with regret.. very touching, you’ve got such a way with words, just enough to describe, not too much to get carried away.. a perfect mix of description and direction.. take a bow miss Lloyd you’ve definitely left an impression on me!

now you havent updated in too long! Write me more! cept uh.. happier stuff please?! in the interests of my health im serious.

- Belli XxX

[gabbles]

Will do replies later:) Thanks so much though, guys

This is something that I just spouted out, its more just a warm up thing.


Her

Dirty words
Fall
Filthy black
So fast and hard
From a bitter
Twisted mouth
I find
Unrecognizable...
Words that seem
Almost wrong
For you
To say
To me...
Almost...

Words once
In an acrid childhood
So long, long ago
Weren't this acid
That you spill
Happily
With that smile
That says 'release'...
They were comfort
To a shattered child
That you strangely saw as whole...
Yet
I just cant
Help
But think,
Thoughtlessly, almost,
That maybe,
Just maybe,
Words of Before
So soft
Soothing
Soulful...
Were laughing lies
And you never
Ever
Loved
Nor cared
Nor meant...

And, perhaps,
They tasted bitter
On your
Tripping tongue
Sour as a lie...

Maybe these shattering
Breaking
Words
Were what were destined
And sadly supposed
To slide
Slithering
Slimy
Out of your mouth
Back then, Before...

Maybe...
And this makes me shudder and shake
And scream and sob
And fall and fail
And
Just
Bone achingly
Horribly and truly
Hurt
So deeply down
I swear,
No,
I know,
I feel
Something spirit-like
Snap
Crack
Fracture
And fade...

Maybe...
You've always hated me
Despised me
From the second you had me
To this moment
Where you longingly, loathingly lost me...

[StaceAngel]

*takes a deep breath* Okay firstly... *runs up and hugs you* Hello i havent spoken to you in yonks! I hope you're doin okay... but judging this poem, leads me to the second thing.... that was so damn painful to read.

I cant analyse poetry for poop or, i get too nervous to do it on here but wow i had to leave you a lil comment cos this strangely somehow hit close to home...

*smiles and gives you a present*

...........


You're the fifth one cos the sixth one said you smell and well i'm going to eat her later. Cheeky bitch. That sounded a lil dirty didnt it? *giggles*


This part though:

Words once
In an acrid childhood
So long, long ago
Weren't this acid
That you spill
Happily
With that smile
That says 'release'...
They were comfort
To a shattered child
That you strangely saw as whole...

I... yeah that is... very dark and weighted and i relate to it in a way.


Keep writing please, as painful as it is, you tend to always help me recognise and express things i can never talk about *blushes* Its really cool that you do that and im thankful.



Keep it Australian!

Stace xXx

[SJ]

Great poetry.

[gabbles]

Will post some replies soon guys:D thanks for your gorgeous words!



You know?

I fell
Hard
Fast
Harshly
Fearlessly
...
In fact, I almost didn't check
Didn't check the bottom
To see how close the ground was

I was happily falling
Free
Fast
Almost fearlessly
For you...

God, you
With your eyes and your lips
And your hands and your skin
And your smile and...
God, you...

The ground to me was forever away
Forever and a day away

But as I fell
Free
Fast
Fearlessly
I didn't notice the ground come up
Hard and harsh
And close and comming...

I see in my head, though
Over and over
His eyes on you
And his lips on you...
I dont know how
I see it
Since I was only
Told of it...

I hear though
Your voice
Telling me
Silky lies
Of wanting me
And only me forever

And then I see
Your lips on him
And it all speeds up

The ground comes up
And I see it now
I jolt when I hit, you know?

I shatter, you know?
I break, you know?
I feel it, you know?

I'm broken, you know?
So broken
I don't know
If I'll ever
Be unbroken...

It hurts, you know?