Have any of you been disowned by family members

[Arafel the Witch]

over your sexuality. I'm bi, always have been; to me, the sex doesn't matter, the person does. When I was 24, I had the temerity to fall in love with a woman, and lived with her for 10 months. We were madly in love for a while, but in the end, we had different goals and differing personalities (she was very career driven, and I am very personal accomplishment driven) and we split, somewhat acrimoniously at the end, since she got to keep the apartment and my roomates of two years, since she could afford the payments alone and I couldn't. But during this time, my father disowned me, and one of my two brothers grew extremely angry with me, even to the point of telling me to commit suicide so I would cease being an embarrassment to the family. So 10 years later, there is no reconciliation, and I don't think there ever will be. I didn't invite either to my wedding, even though it was to the "approved" sex, and frankly given their attitudes I don't want either in my life, and especially don't want either around my stepdaughter, who is delight.



Any other kittens have family troubles?

[dekalog]

Hey

I was kicked out of the house when I was 15. I lived in a smallish-small minded community and was seeing a girl from school (very closeted though - think not out at all). One day my step-father walked in on us in a (shall I say) compromising position. Needless to say all hell broke loose, and I was told to leave. I left the town two weeks later, and have NEVER looked back.



Sorry your family gave you a hard time. I've talked to several others who've had difficulty with families - I think everyone needs to weigh and balance for themselves. It helps when you end up with a strong family of choice - it makes things sooo much easier.



Peace

[Puff]

My family have been hellish as many of you know. The last time I saw them I got these wondorous gems.



Your father wants to kill you.



It would be so much easier if you were just dead.



And please don't visit us again as it is too hard.



they also tried to block me and my gf from visiting my 89 year old Nan (Grandmother) and made her life hell as well for wanting too see us.



So yes. Parents can be a joy. If you want to chat feel free to IM Puff614 on yahoo.

-----------------------
You know, it's a real deal relationship and that's why people can relate to it
Amber Benson

[tarawillow66]

i know what it feels like. even before my mom knew she didn't really like me. but after she did know it was hell. pretty much after i'm 17 my whole family is going to disown me. i've been told that multiple times. only reason i get to saty here now is because if they kick me out i'll go and live with my gf. and they won't have that. it really does hurt to have your own mom call you an emberessment and say right to your face that ever time she sees me she gets sick.and she wants to kill me gf. i hate it but it's somthing i haave to live with so i guess i'll have to make to best of it. it well be over in a year.



if any of you want to talk my yahoo is tarawillow_66

thanks

much love

megan

[theatremouse]

and thusly, the family doesnt get to know. at least not until i can move out completely and not starve to death and such...not that i intend to speak to them once i go manage that anyway. they dont need more reasons to hate me and treat me like shit.

mmm. think a cross between the insinuations about faith's family-life, and Tara's.



i never knew my capacity to be so bitter at 2:38 in the morning....



peace.

Edited by: theatremouse at: 7/24/02 10:24:58 am

[Amymlc]

I have heard some horror stories about people's families kicking them out or physically harming them because they are gay. I can't imagine going through something like that. I don't have any family...except a couple siblings that I don't see very often, so I have never really had anyone like family to "come out" to. The only problem I have ever had with my sexuality (mind you, I am only 20 and just figured out that I'm a lesbian couple years ago, so I am not really "out" yet) was when a CPS manager came to do a home visit at my apartment so I could become the legal guardian of my 16 year old sister, and she found some pride things. The next day I was told that I wasn't old enough to care for my sister, but they were perfectly fine with my age until they found out that I owned stuff with the gay pride logos-- But I win in the end and my sister will be coming to live with me next month.

My girlfriend, on the other hand, is terrified that her family will disown her. We are going to wait until we move to California together next year (after she graduates, and I'll be a junior) and she is fanancially independent from them to tell them that we are together. Her family already hates me because she spends so much time with me. They are always ridding on her to be more girly....and my girl is REALLY girl....and to get a boyfriend. They are extremely homophobic. I feel sooo sad for my girl because she loves her family, and we know that once she tells them, they will not want her to be a part of their lives anymore. I feel sort of bad because she basically has to choose between me, or her sexuality, and her family. I just don't understand how a parent could do that to their child. I wouldn't care if my child wanted to become a rabbit ( I know, strange example) I would never disown them. Uh..anyway, sorry for my little rant.

They were right, I'm a homo--But I'm a Cheerleader

[pikachu1060]

I'm so sorry for all of you. I know that this kind of situation is quite frequent and it's really a pity. I've always thought that if you decide to have children, you're supposed to love them, and support them throughout their life. And when i decided to come out to my mom, more or less six months ago, i was totally freaking out, but i never expected her to disown me or anything like that. I was just afraid she might be a little freaked herself. Maybe she was, but she didn't let it show. She just told me that it was my choice, that it might not be the easiest way but that the important thing was that i was happy. She also told me my dad would be less open about it, so i decided not to tell him, at least, not until there's a good reason for me to tell him (that is, a girlfriend...). But i know that even if he wouldn't be happy about it (he's such a devout), he wouldn't disown me. He would just be disappointed, but i know he loves me, no matter what.

So again, kittens, i'm so sorry for you. I wish i could say that eventually, your family will get used to it, but the truth is that i'm not even sure.

[Loco2]

ok, i'm really sorry for anyone who has been disowned by their family, it is awful that they could do that to their own children. my own mother doesn't know and will never be told. now what i really wanted to say is totally out of place, but i really want to share:



amymlc: great sig, that's a great film. highly amusing.



eep.

steph

"Dr. Becker, have you seen the skeleton?" "What do you think I am, a skeleton thief? You want to search me?!"
"Oh, bugger off, you brolly!" - Anya to Giles on his use of the english language
"We'll all be a lot happier without the constant whining....Mom, Buffy, Tara, Waah" - DMW to Dawn

[Amymlc]

Thanks. I LOVE that movie. I've seen it like seven times and it still cracks me up!

They were right, I'm a homo--But I'm a Cheerleader

[Loco2]

hee hee, love the subconcious logos thing with the flowers on the bed, and the guy who is being taught to axe down trees who throws up the axe and runs around screaming - probably because he reminds me of some people i know,



steph

"Dr. Becker, have you seen the skeleton?" "What do you think I am, a skeleton thief? You want to search me?!"
"Oh, bugger off, you brolly!" - Anya to Giles on his use of the english language
"We'll all be a lot happier without the constant whining....Mom, Buffy, Tara, Waah" - DMW to Dawn

[WiccansIllusion]

I feel horrible for all the teenagers/adults who have been disowned. My mother doesn't like it, but just the other day my Dad and I were joking about how he 'screwed me up' and I mentioned the lesbian bit, and he said at least he did something right. I wish everyone could just be accepting and get over the fact that it's not a sin.





Speaking of which, did anyone else see the South Park that was making fun of the catholic priest scandal?

Tara nodded in agreement "She has magic fingers." Then, as though the words had just echoed back to her and sounded not at all right, she perked up and glanced around at the others. "On the keyboard."

TheWisdom of War, Chris Golden

'My heart is cleverer then I and it knows what to do.'-MC Legends of the Kiss

[Puff]

HTML Comments are not allowed

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You know, it's a real deal relationship and that's why people can relate to it
Amber Benson

[The Next Tara Maclay]

..I am sorry to hear this, I don't have this problem but I will pray that it gets better for you.

[AmberBensonRockzMyWorld]

I am really sorry to hear all your stories, But I am going through the same kind of thing, so I can relate. My parents both passed away and I live with my grandparents. I was chatting with a good friend of mine one evening and she told me that she was Bi, and asked if I was okay with that, So I decided to tell her, "Yeah, if your okay with me being gay." Well, little did I realise that my grandma was listeing to the conversation, When I hung up the phone and went into the kitchin my grandma yelled at me and told me that it is wrong, people should not be gay and then she told me, that I have 2 months to get out, so I basically have 1 more month to find a place to live, which is, as I am finding out, Impossible. At the moment, I am in the hospital, I just had surgery yesterday at 6 am, to remove a tumor, I have been waiting all day for my grandma to come see me, thinking that this would help her love me, and she has yet to come. Really, the people that I consider to be my family, Are you kittens. You guys are always there for me, you people rock. Thank gosh for laptops, I could never survive being alone in this hospital, and the kitten board makes me feel, well, not alone. It's kind of like you are all here, because you are in my heart. I hope everybody's family's opens up a little and that all goes well with all of you.

Much Love,

Lisa

"Staring at the cracks in the walls, 'Cos I'm waiting for it all, to come to an end." ~Pink


Must I dream and Always see your face.~ Jeff Buckley "Last goodbye"

[Shinnen]

Get well soon, Lisa. *hugs*



I'm really sorry to hear all your stories. I'm still a partial closet case. I'm really not sure how my family may react if I were to tell them I'm gay. Though there are signs of them suspecting, probably why they begged me to start wearing skirts after 20 years (not working). But if I do come out to them, I'm really hoping that it wouldn't be to the extend of disowning me, because I'm really attached to my parents though we get into weird arguements, no one gets pissed off by me for long, so I hope that this theory would not make them disown me if I came out to them.

CheerZ

Shinnen

**************


When I Am Standing On My Head, The Sky Is So Deep And The Sea Is So High.
Inner Beauty Is The Easiest To See In The World When You Are Looking

[AudreyAnne]

I have really been lucky. I'm turning 20 and most of my family knows and all my friends..I came out my senior year..beside the point though. I don't reply often. But reading this, I felt the urge too. I have an empathy streak a mile wide..which has been my downfall. But my heart goes out to you all. And Lisa, if no one comes to see you IM me any time. I'm always willing to listen to anyone. On AIM Ebian328, housesit30@hotmail on MSN. Actually that goes for anyone.





It's different...Once it's out there.

[Arafel the Witch]

In my darker moments, I just remind myself "That which does not kill me makes me stronger." Also, because of my experiences, I came to some unconventional views. Traditionally, family is defined by blood, but to me, I think titles like father and mother need to be earned. I feel my stepfather, who has been mostly quite good to me, is far more my father than my biological one is, even though I have only known him for 10 years, as opposed to 33 for the sperm donor.

[Amymlc]

I am so sorry Lisa! I am sure you grandmother will come around eventually..I hope anyway. That's just horrible. I hope you get well soon. I don't know you, like at all, but if you ever want someone to talk to just email me. I am very good at listening. Take care!

They were right, I'm a homo--But I'm a Cheerleader

[GavfromIHJ]

Well, I've not been disowned yet, but I don't how much longer that will last. I'm out to my parents, entirely by accident. They refuse to accept that I'm an FtM and not a lesbian. They say they'll never be able to accept that part of my life, and I better not even try to bring home a girlfriend. So when I tell them I'm going to therapy to get testosterone approval, I doubt they're going to take it very well. But telling me I can't introduce them to someone I love is worse than disowning me I think. I mean, if they don't want anything to do with me that's fine, but they can't ask for me to remain in their lives but exclude my girlfriend.



My ex-girlfriend's mother once told my parents though that if her daughter continued down this lifestyle path, she would have no choice but to completely cut her off from the family. And she is a respected and upstanding member of our church. So much for Christian love.

[slayer747]

haven't been disowned here myself. but i fear of it so much. homosexuality is a big deal here... they actually think it is a disease! however my family is a little accepting of it since my uncle and aunt are gay but when it comes to me, they just expect so much. to my mom, i'm her only girl and i know she dreams of this big wedding and all from me... i'm afraid that if i disappoint her, she'll take it so hard and the worst thing she could do is to not support me since i live with my grandparents and she can't throw me out. but disown? i so pray not! and my dad is like a "pastor"... well, he already abandoned me and my mom when i was two, but now we are talking again and i don't know how he'll handle it.

------------
"Sometimes things happen between people that you don't really expect. And sometimes the things that are important are the ones that seem the weirdest or the most wrong, and those are the ones that change your life." - Jessie "Once and Again"

[xita]

All you guys, big hugs for you.



Lisa, especially you, huge hugs for you. This is terrible. I know the fear well, I can't imagine it really happening to someone. I stayed closeted to my family till i had a job and could live on my own for that very reason. Luckily they didn't disown me but we don't talk about it. This is really hard to explain to people, how much this fear can eat at you. I had some bad issues with jealousy and I kinda worked through them and realized I had abandonment issues. I didn' t know what from but then I realized I had lived in mortal fear of being disowned for being gay from the age of 12-23. No one can know what that is like from day to day. To hide a letter in box, to cover a book because it looks gay. To moderate your conversations because of what they could sound like.



And Gavin.. you know, the kitten has taught me so much about what you are going through , it's a never ending source of education for me. I am ever so grateful. I have to get sappy and thank my Garfield for that.



All my love for the kittens, people sometimes don't believe this happens in this day and age but it does... a lot.

- - - - - - - - - - - -

"Oooh Xita!" - Amber Benson

[kukalaka]

Hugs to everyone from me, too.



I just don't get how parents/grandparents (whoever) could ever do that. I can't understand how people can just stop loving their child. And they probably don't, they just don't show it anymore, which doesn't make any difference to their child at all. It's just completely beyond me.



I don't want my parents to know yet. It's not for fear of getting disowned, they would never do that (although reading all these stories really gives me the creeps). I'm just not sure yet, so I don't want to tell them. And it's so hard to hide it. I mean if I were to slip, they would know, there would be some talking, maybe arguing, but I really don't see anything worse happening. I can't imagine how much harder that makes it for those of you who have to be afraid of being disowned.



So, again with the hugs



I'm also available on Yahoo (skelagi), if anyone wants to talk to someone. Hope your grandma will show up, Lisa. And that you'll be OK otherwise, too.



Love,

Angie

--

Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans.

[maudmac]

Yes, hugs to everyone. It breaks my heart that this kind of thing happens, that it ever happened, but especially nowadays. It's unspeakable and I'm so sorry that it's happened to any of you.



Lisa, I realize that in many ways it may not be much consolation, since we aren't there with you in person, but always know that here, you will always have a place where you're accepted as you are. I sincerely wish you the best, with your health, with your family, with yourself.

---------------------------
I bring pie scented cleaner!--- weebl

[theatremouse]

xita i have that exact thing....HUGE jealousy issues, but really terrified of abandonment. plus sever obsessive compulsiveness, which adds to the worry of the abandonment cuz i'm sooo tricky to be around cuz of various compulsions but...oy it's a vicious circle.....i'm gonna shutup now.



ugh. i'm in one of those "the family whispers about that one (being me)" and wonders, and pretty much guesses and thusly doesnt mind when i weasel my way out of showing up at family events, and is very open about not liking my female friends (who yes, frankly, look rather dykey, but are in nooo way involved with me) and theyre just esentially rude in the meantime, whic yields the presumption of disownedness if i were to confirm anything.........



Lisa HUGE hugs to you. my ex has been in and out of the hospital for a year with tumors that keep coming back. i feel for ya. i'd come visit you, but i have no idea where you are or means of transport. but my inclination would be to come visit you and bring yuo yummy presents of sorts. really. it's true.





peace.

Willow: It's horrible! That's me as a vampire? I'm so evil and... skanky. And I think I'm kinda gay.

[Kieli]

Reading this thread both makes me positively livid at callous family members and their shameful acts and burn in my heart for those who've been disowned by their flesh and blood.



I've had the extreme good fortune to not give a shit what my family thinks. I've never been close to any of them and their opinions of me never concerned me at all. I didn't come out until college because I never thought it necessary. I couldn't find dates, I had a hard time making friends...I was just a social inept and reject.



Once I came out, I still played it close to the vest, mostly because I lived and went to college in an area where gay bashing was common and the KKK/Neo-Nazis were in the greatest concentration. Dying or getting the shit kicked out of me didn't appeal to me in the slightest. Have courage, peeps. It DOES get better, even if it takes time for that to happen. You have a support system here, so don't forget that.



Much love,

Toni

Love is tricky. It is never mundane or daily. You can never get used to it. You have to walk with it, then let it walk with you. You can never balk. It moves you like the tide. It takes you out to sea then lays you on the beach again. Today's struggling pain is the foundation for a certain stride through the heavens. You can run from it but you can never say no. It includes everyone."--Amy Tan "The Hundred Secret Senses"

[relativegirl]

Hey Xita and theatremouse. It's really interesting that both of you trace jealousy issues to your fear of being abandoned by your families for being gay. I guess I mean to say that it's interesting how our fears and relationships with our parents color our relationships with our lovers.



I once fell very much in love with a woman and brought her home to meet my parents -- something I rarely even did with platonic friends. I thought we were pretty clear and unambiguous about our relationship but my mother's only response to me was "as long as you're not gay" and "you better not be a lesbian" and "I'm glad that you're not a lesbian like your friend." At this point I suppose I should volunteer that to the best of my knowledge my mother was never a crack whore or otherwise mentally impaired. But clearly my communication skills left a bit to be desired. Something about "I want you to meet my girlfriend with whom I am very much in love" apparently sailed right over her head. As did the hand-holding, cheek-pecking and not-so-muffled sounds coming from my bedroom.



I was pretty devastated and embarrased by their denial of our relationship and ended up unconsciously deciding that I didn't need a family who couldn't accept me for who I am. I became hyper-independent to the point of having issues in subsequent relationships about being able to be dependent upon, and vulnerable to, another person. I was incredibly fortunate to be able to get scholarships to college that made me financially independent from my family at 18, so I did not have to fear the repercussions that other kittens are currently facing. Before I was 18, although I had certainly noticed my fascination with various girls and women, it just never dawned on me to share something so incredibly personal and intimate with my family, so I avoided that trauma altogether. Being a dolt has its benefits.



It both saddens and angers me deeply that any person has to worry about being disowned by their family members b/c of whom they chose to love. I wish all of you the best of fortune in your various situations of coming out to your family members. There are communities in this world where you can be completely yourselves (even if you're not sure who you are yet) and not fear any repercussions or judgments. The kitten is one of those places. For which I am incredibly thankful to our moderators.

~ If I should rock you,
the whole world would rock within my arms ~

[Kieli]

RG are you SURE you aren't related to me in some way? Cause you just explained my independence issues in like two seconds and I haven't been able to figure it out in years! I should have Diana read this. Maybe she might understand why I am ridiculously into depending on me, myself and I. Thanks, grrlfriend!



Toni

Love is tricky. It is never mundane or daily. You can never get used to it. You have to walk with it, then let it walk with you. You can never balk. It moves you like the tide. It takes you out to sea then lays you on the beach again. Today's struggling pain is the foundation for a certain stride through the heavens. You can run from it but you can never say no. It includes everyone."--Amy Tan "The Hundred Secret Senses"

[friskylez]

IMO the issue of being disowned by family members comes down to the fact that people just dont understand it is NOT a "lifestyle choice"..It is who we are, until they can understand what being gay or lesbian is all about families will probably, sadly, continue to disown their flesh and blood because of who they are..



I pretty much "look like a dyke", not because im trying to make a statement about who i am, its just how i feel comfortable...My folks do have a clue, but they are in such denial, we just leave it at "dont ask dont tell"..If I ever chose to come right out (no pun intended ) and say "im a dyke", they would not be able to handle it, because they think i dont "have to be this way"..



Until i chose to be "normal", i doubt my family would have much to do with me..And my parents love me very very much..I know this in my heart, but

because they are under the impression, its a choice, they will never understand and therefore will never accept who i am...

"Middle age is when you have two choices and you choose the one that gets you home early"

[tarawillow66]

this is going to sound really corny but, i wanted to say thankyou to every one of the kittens. even if you don't know it, you've given me strenghth through so much. i mean nobodys really directed anything towards me, but just reading the words of encourgement you wright to others helps me. i know i sound like the biggest nerd every,but it's ture. so thank you so much. and i'd like to say thankyou to my g/f for always being there for me and never backing down when things get rough. i love you. so much. thank you.



ok i'm done with the "moment". but really...thank you.



much love

megan

[kukalaka]

This is so not corny, Megan.



I think most of us know exactly what you're talking about. People here are just great and it helps a lot to know that you're not alone. If you were to look you'd find that I ended one of my first posts here - either in the "coming out" or the "when/how did you know"-thread - with "I love you all. Really." Guess where that came from?



This is actually very similar to the impact Willow and Tara had (and will continue to have). I knew it was okay, I never had any issues with homosexuality at all (besides not knowing any homosexuals in person. I happen to like diversity ) and yet it helped seeing two (incredibly cute and sexy) people on a TV show I hardly ever watched before. Go figure.



friskylez: You're right. That really explains a lot. I don't know why I didn't think of it before. Probably because I never ever thought of it that way. After I first heard of someone being a lesbian (and after someone had explained to me what that was - I think I was 7 or 8 at the time.) my thoughts where pretty much: "Didn't know that's possible... But it makes sense. People don't seem to have control over who they fall in love with, so why would they be able to choose the gender?" And that was it.



Lucky me, I'm under the impression most people in Germany seem to have understood that it's not a choice. Hope none of the German kitties is going to burst that bubble



I love you all. Really.

Angie



Edited because English grammar is a bitch.

--

Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans.

Edited by: kukalaka  at: 7/25/02 2:24:08 am