The Lesbian Jokes Thread

[The Angry Lion]

okay jennpur youve been warned, if your avatar makes me drool on another keyboard im sending you the bill!



um jokes. hrmmmm, well, heres one!



a doctor was examining a patient and he asked her to take her top off, she had a Y imprint on her chest, the doctor asked what it was and she said she had a boyfriend from Yale who liked to wear his t-shirt during sex,



okay a few weeks later hes examining another female patient and this time he sees an S imprint on her chest, he asks her about it and she says she has boyfriend who goes to Stanford.





Now a few eeeks after that a third female patient, she has an M imprint on her chest, let me guess, the doctor says, you have a boyfriend who goes to the University of Michigan.



'No, but I have a girlfriend who goes to the University of Wisconsin!'

'Tara has a talented tongue!' said Willow

[MissQuirky]

HA! That was a good one The Angry Lion!



Okay I have another...



Lesbians Playing Golf





Two lesbians were out playing golf. They tee off and one drive goes to the right and one drive goes to the left. One of them finds her ball in a patch of buttercups. She grabs a club and takes a mighty swing at the ball. She hits a beautiful second shot, but in the process she hacks the hell out of the buttercups.



Suddenly a woman appears out of nowhere. She blocks her path to her golf bag and looks at her and says, "I'm Mother Nature, and I don't like the way you treated my buttercups. From now on, you won't be able to stand the taste of butter. Each time you eat butter you will become physically ill to the point of total nausea."



The mystery woman then disappears as quickly as she appeared. Shaken, the woman calls out to her partner, "Hey, where's your ball?"



"It's over here in the pussy willows."



She screams back, "DON'T HIT THE BALL!!!! DON'T HIT THE BALL!!!!"







~Ashley~

Willow: We can come by between classes. Usually I use that time to copy over my class notes with a system of different colored pens. But it's been pointed out to me that that's, you know... insane.

Tara: I said quirky.

[Jennpurr]

Quote:

---

okay jennpur youve been warned, if your avatar makes me drool on another keyboard im sending you the bill!

---

All part of that evil plan of mine. You drool on your keyboard and it breaks. That means you'll have to go buy another one and when you do, I'll post again and you'll drool again... see.



Hee... Willow and Tara did it. Not me. Nope.



Jen



Edited: Ashley,



OMG!!!







ROTFLPIMP!!!!



DUDE that is soo funny! OMG...

||My Fan Fiction and More!||
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
"You're familiar with all my ways; Even the darkness will shine like the day, when you look into my heart..." ~ Jaci Velasquez, "Flower In The Rain."

Edited by: Jennpurr at: 3/9/03 8:31:31 pm

[MissQuirky]

Okay another old email I kept -- I can't believe I kept all these but here it is anyway, this ones pretty funny also...





A young woman, in the course of her college life, came to terms with her homosexuality and decided to come out of the closet.

Her plan was to tell her mother first; so on her next home visit, she went to the kitchen, where her mother was busying herself stirring stew with a wooden spoon.

Rather nervously, she explained to her that she had realized she was gay.

Without looking up from her stew, her mother said, "You mean, lesbian?"

"Well... yes."

Still without looking up:

"Does that mean you lick women down below?"

Caught off guard, the young woman eventually managed to stammer an embarrassed affirmative; whereupon her mother turned to her and, brandishing the wooden spoon threateningly under her nose, snapped:

"Don't you *EVER* complain about my cooking again!"





~Ashley~

Willow: We can come by between classes. Usually I use that time to copy over my class notes with a system of different colored pens. But it's been pointed out to me that that's, you know... insane.

Tara: I said quirky.

Edited by: MissQuirky at: 3/9/03 9:35:35 pm

[Bookcat]

Q: Did you hear about the blonde lesbian?

A: She kept having affairs with men!



An old cowboy dressed to kill with a cowboy shirt, hat, jeans,

spurs, and chaps went to a bar and ordered a drink.



As he sat sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him. After she ordered her drink, she turned to the cowboy and asked him, "Are you a real cowboy?" To which he replied, "Well, I have spent my whole life on the ranch, herding cows, breaking horses, mending fences. I guess I am."



After a short while, he asked her what she was.

She replied, "I am a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning I think of women, when I eat, shower, watch TV, everything seems to make me think of women."



A short while later she left and the cowboy ordered another drink. A couple sat down next to him and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?" To which he replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian."



How many surrealist dykes does it take to replace a lightbulb?

Fish.

(There were a lot of stupid lightbulb jokes before that one)



"My mom blames California for me being a lesbian. 'Everything was fine until you moved out there.' 'That's right, Mom, we have mandatory lesbianism in West Hollywood. The Gay Patrol busted me, and I was given seven business days to add a significant amount of flannel to my wardrobe." - Coley Sohn



"If homosexuality is a disease, lets all call in queer to work 'Hello. Can't work today, still queer'." - Robin Tyler



"When my mother found out I was gay she sent me to Juvenile Hall. That's smart. Sending me to live with five hundred girls who can't get out!" - Kat Howard



Q: What kind of humor do lesbians like?

A: Tongue in cheek.



Q: Why do lesbians like to have gay male friends?

A: Someone has to do the cooking!



Q: Why do gay men like to have lesbian friends?

A: Someone has to mow the yard.

Hello? Is there anybody out there?

No, just macaroni.

[StrawberryTrix]

hahaha im lovin these...but mine is alot like wardukes...



Q: Wot do u get if u cross a lesbian with a hippopotomus???

A: A lickalotofpuss



Straw

"My teeth, my car, my vagina, my business"~Kelly Osbourne

[LokiPromise]

lol, these are great.

BB:Hello Xander...and Anya, how is your money?!

A:Fine!Thank you for asking!

[LadyCallie]

As a femme, I have to post these---



More can be found at dykesworld.de/Jokes.html



Q: What do femmes do in bed together?

A: Each other's makeup



If homosexuality is a disease, let's all call in queer to work.

'Hello, can't work today. Still queer.'

- Robin Tyler



How can you tell a tough lesbian bar?

Even the pool table doesn't have balls.



A woman goes to the gynecologist,

and upon examination, the doctor says, "Why, it's immaculate in here! What do you do to keep yourself so hygenic?" The woman responds, "I have a woman in twice a week."



:: LC blinks in shock:: Only twice a week.....poor thing......





Lesbian Barbie



Found at -village.fortunecity.com/etheridge/800/barbie.html

Does your little girl feel left out, un-validated and confused? Do you wish you could find something to make her feel less unusual? This Christmas, get the gift for the little tomboy in your family: Lesbian Barbie!



Lesbian Barbie isn't just any Barbie Doll; she's the Barbie Doll that dates other Barbies! Your little girl will love combing her long tail, and spiking up the top of her hair. Lesbian Barbie comes attired in a striking blue flannel, Levis, and REI hiking boots. Lesbian Barbie wears a tank top underneath, which shows off her efforts from weight training, as well as her I LOVE WOMYN tattoo.



Lesbian Barbie drives a Harley Davidson. Put her on her motorcycle, dressed in her black leather biker coat and big black boots, and Lesbian Barbie is ready for her date with Lipstick Lesbian Barbie. The Lesbian Barbie package also comes with a U-haul rental, for Barbie's first date.



Order now, and you'll also receive our bonus package, the Lesbian Barbie softball jersey. But wait! There's more . . .



The first 100 orders will also receive Ex-Girlfriend Barbie. They are inseparable.







-LC

~*~

RealLiveTara is my RealLiveGirlfriend! *swoons*

"It doesn't have to be a really frenchish french, I just wanna feel your tongue."- my girlfriend last night.

"I don't wanna come out of the closet. All my clothes are in there!" -Me

[WillowsGremliN]

haha I liked that Lesbian Barbie thing, but can someone explain to me that whol U-haul rental thing??

[slayer747]

yup. loved that one about the lebian barbie. but i also need some explaining about the UHAUL thingies that i always come accross whenever there's a lesbian joke that i am reading.

part of forever is better than none

[Jennpurr]

The U-haul thing is just a reference to how soon lesbians tend to move in with one another. Am I right, kittens?



Jen

||My Fan Fiction and More!||
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Surely not every girl who had a horse grew up into a lesbian who rode tongue... ~ "The Edge of Silence," Chapter 8c, by Mel.

Edited by: Jennpurr at: 3/11/03 12:06:40 am

[Vampivy]

Thanx Jennpurr. I felt like a really bad lesbian not getting that U-haul joke . **Bad Patty bad ** Ah, yes everything makes sense now.



Patty

[saule77]

That's mainly it, Jenn. I think it refers to the speed (of light)at which they tend to move in together as well.



I came across this site the other day describing the 3 degrees of "the U-Haul Syndrome". Make of it what you want but after reading it, you'll get the gist of it!

(Not to keen on the end myself. Pretty patronising if you ask me...)



Love the jokes... Some are old classics, some I actually learnt and make sure to pass on!

"You are Willow Rosenberg, vixen-y lighter of the flame and keeper of my heart."

(Camp Flutie by Rane)

Edited by: saule77 at: 3/11/03 12:29:26 am

[Jennpurr]

You're very welcome, Patty. And thank YOU, Saule.



Jen

||My Fan Fiction and More!||
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Surely not every girl who had a horse grew up into a lesbian who rode tongue... ~ "The Edge of Silence," Chapter 8c, by Mel.

[saule77]

I got a Jennkiss!!!

Sorry, Jenn, I had read your post too fast. You were COMPLETELY right... My bad.

"You are Willow Rosenberg, vixen-y lighter of the flame and keeper of my heart."

(Camp Flutie by Rane)

[Jennpurr]

You like my kisses??



Hee... thank you! And no problem about the reading my post too fast thing. Happens to me all the time.



Hmmm... so considering what you said, you wouldn't get upset if I did this:



Jen

||My Fan Fiction and More!||
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Surely not every girl who had a horse grew up into a lesbian who rode tongue... ~ "The Edge of Silence," Chapter 8c, by Mel.

[Paigeosity]

I've got a couple. There gynecologist ones.



A woman goes to her gynecologist."Doctor I think something is wrong with me I have this green rash on the inside of my thighs."

"Well lets just take a look." and the doctor examines her. "Miss are you a lesbian?"

"Yes why?" she replied.

"Tell your girlfriend her earrings are fake."

My older sister told me that one.

The second one I heard on comedy central but I changed it a little.

A woman goes to her lesbian gynecologist for a regular exam halfway through it she cries out.

"Ouch"

"I'm sorry would you like me to numb it for you?"

"Yes"

num num num.

Another from my sister.

Where do lesbian like to eat?

At the 'y'.



hope nobody is offended by these jokes. If so you can beat me over the head with a blunt object.

[LadyCallie]

Anyone read anything by Leslea Newman or Lea DeLaria?

Wonderful lesbian humor there.





-LC

~*~

RealLiveTara is my RealLiveGirlfriend! *swoons*

"It doesn't have to be a really frenchish french, I just wanna feel your tongue."- my girlfriend last night.

"I don't wanna come out of the closet. All my clothes are in there!" -Me

[Nutty Girl]

Warning!!! Explicit languauge Used. (just in case)



To everyone in this thread, it has kept me very entertained this morning. Any way, here is my little contribution.



"Women are just like orange juice cartons ! Its not the shape or size that matters or even how sweet the juice is, its getting those fucking flaps to open ......!! "



and



" Whats the difference between getting caught by a a speed camera and going down on a women ? When you go down on a women you can see the cunt behind the bush !



Hope you liked them.



JB xx

"Say! You all didn't happen to do a bunch of drugs today didja ?"

[Aradia785]

LC, nice call on Lea Delaria and Leslea Newman, they're easily some of my favorites. Lea's "Dating Tips for Dykes" is near and dear to my heart.



Quick one. What do you call a lesbian eskimo?

A Klondike



Ann

If I hear that Gong of Doom I will send stoned squirrels to raid your kitchen
- Lisa of Nine

[Tulipp]

The Registrar at the university where I work--a man I hardly know--told me this joke very proudly about two seconds after he found out I was a lesbian:



Q. Why are lesbian carpenters so bad with hammers and nails?



A. Because all their training is in tongue and groove work.







Felt compelled to add it to the list.

"Just call me the computer whisperer."-- Willow

[JustSkipIt]

I gotta add two takes on the lightbulb:



Q: How many lesbians does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: 3, one to do it and 2 to say how much better it is than if a man had done it.



Q: How many lesbians does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: 11, one to do it and 10 to attend the potluck to celebrate.

---

"War may be a necessary evil. But no matter how necessary it is always evil." - President Jimmy Carter after receiving the Nobel Peace Prize

[LadyCallie]

Araida- Which book is "Dating tips for Dykes" from? I only have .....I believe it's "Lea's Rules for a New world" or something along that title. I haven't read it in a while because my girl has it.



JustSkipIt- love the potluck joke......heheheehee.



-LC

~*~

RealLiveTara is my RealLiveGirlfriend! *swoons*

"It doesn't have to be a really frenchish french, I just wanna feel your tongue."- my girlfriend last night.

"I don't wanna come out of the closet. All my clothes are in there!" -Me

[Aradia785]

LC, "Dating tips for dykes" isnt in a book to my knowledge. I downloaded it off of a file sharing service, Kazaa I think. Took me forever to find. I think my ex has the copy of it though... : uts on suit of armour and inflamable boots:: Time to go see the ex...



Ann

If I hear that Gong of Doom I will send stoned squirrels to raid your kitchen
- Lisa of Nine

[lauriebear]

Ok i have one...hopefully it's not too offensive. If it is my apologies.



Q:A lesbian couple and a gay couple are taking a road trip from Chicago to L.A. If they're each taking separate cars, who gets their first and why?



A:The lesbian couple is doing sixty-nine the entire way while the gays are still packing their shit.

[hellmouthhottie20]

God keep them coming (pun intended), i love this thread



And finally i get the U haul joke (my life is complete....well, maybe not lol)



Caz

I like my woman like i like my coffee...in a plastic cup - Eddie Izzard
Welcome to jackass

[elessar007]

It's always good to see people expressing their sense of humor. I'm just glad there's no cover charge for this thread.

Willow:In my world there are people in chains, and we can ride them like ponies.
Tara:You should ride with me some time. I guarantee safety and fun.
My website:elessar's Willow & Tara Wallpaper

Name my website: Click for details

[sheila wt]

Thanks so much for all the laughs!



elessar007, what a beautiful avatar! Really nice.

--------------------------
"She had tasted Willow on her tongue, and she had worn Willow on her skin. There wasn't a shower in the world that could have washed that away." (Terra Firma, by Tulipp)

[Iamyouknowyours]

You guys are cracking me up! My favorite used to be the uhaul on a second date one, but the fake earing one is growing on me! Teeheehee!

[Rosenberg]

I see someone has already posted the Militia Etheridge joke before I got to it, so here’s another one:



What do you call two lesbians in a canoe?



Fur traders.