Anyway, just dropping in (or, staying on, cuz I¡¦m not exactly sure how long kelz stays on and stuff¡K and you really had to hear that) to post replies so I don¡¦t get all behind again, and then ch 9b will be up soon (again depending on kelz).
-michelle
Shuyaku: aww sorry bout the angst¡K not trying to kill you, although you might not believe me when I finish¡K never mind, *sigh* we¡¦ll see
Thanx, glad I captured that. I know I might drag things out just a little¡K okay more than that, but I¡¦m glad I was able to make it realistic too.
lol next one is coming up, and yes I agree¡K writer¡¦s block *grr* stinks.
Hehe go you!
allykat: lol sorry, I guess it was¡K okay I know it was
sorry bout the sudden stoppage, but glad you liked the rest.
Hehe that would probably be a pretty hard position to be in¡K
Glad you liked the Willowbabble, thanx.
lol, its actually only Sunday I¡¦m typing this, but as it will be Monday by the time kelz can post¡K yes it is!
Washi: lol so sorry. Really, I am.
lol! Very evil¡K glad you loved it, more coming up
Elizabeth: hey!
lol, glad you thought it was cool, and I really like that word (fabtabulous) hehe
aww, sorry about the squeaking in pain part¡K would it help if it was Monday and not Tuesday?
LOL, I never actually thought what it would be like to have banana slugs wake you up that way, but if it my ending point was worse than that I am sorry.
This is kinda not your point, but I absolutely HATE when brownies get burned! And lol, glad you like the fic.
I will admit that I didn¡¦t think could do it, but you almost proved me wrong¡K almost
Marilda: lol thanx for the not-hating, and I will admit I wouldn¡¦t like me either¡K
Hehe thanx, more coming up soon.
Jeanne: lol repetitive is good when its flattering
Glad you liked the update. Which three words exactly? I mean, there are so many things I could make them say¡K
*checks update for three word combinations*
¡§Are you sure?¡¨ ¡§I don¡¦t know¡¨ and there are more but if I put them it¡¦ll ruin the update, so I¡¦m done.
Happy to draw you in, and oh! I know that voice. I could never block it out though¡K cept when I¡¦m being evil while I write, like now. *shuts mouth quickly*
To tell the truth, I was never exactly sure where I was going to end it. At first I was thinking along the lines you described, when they say those three words you were talking about that I still cant figure out, but I¡¦m not sure¡K I will probably take a break at least after I get there though, because I would need time to start/get an idea for anything after that (I really have a problem; anything that I try to write that is just light and fun and good comes out all blah, so I¡¦d need time to get used to that I think)
lol, I guess I really do like to keep you guys hanging huh? Aww thanx, although you wont have to wait a full nine chapters to get there, I think *thinks as evil grin spreads slowly*¡K nah, not that long.
Aww, im glad you like the fic that much, and hey a good point to cliffies! I need to remember that for the next time I get all tense over one in a fic¡K *groan* and that¡¦ll be in about 3 months at the rate my parents are taking to cool off about the board.
Not doubting your sanity, although as I have said before, mine is not exactly ensured either so¡K
The babbling was nice, made me smile all day (and all happy, freaking out my brothers boy scout troop) (I have a talent for freaking people out)
Update is coming up, thanx!
justkazy: lol sorry about that. I really am
hehe thanx, glad you love it.
more coming up
Axel Avalon: wow thanx.
Glad you liked the emotions and
thanx againUpdate soon!
Chris: lol it really wasn¡¦t
You do say that a lot, but I guess I deserved it.
Aww thanx, glad I was able to capture the emotions.
Ok then I will dutifully continue on chapter 10¡K
I feel sorry for your refresh button. If u break it, don¡¦t sue me, k?
Thanx, update up soon!
Arwen: lol sorry about the frustrating.
But glad you liked it, and ya, I guess I am being painfully realistic in that sense¡K
Thanx for reading!
Sammi: thanx
Hehe sorry bout the cliffhanger, but glad you loved it. ļ
Bindingwiccan: lol, the subject had me laughing for a while there
Sorry to leave you there¡K glad you liked it, and you¡¦ll find out soon.
Always happy to write
thanx cool, thanx againxita: hey thanx.
Glad you enjoyed the angst.
Hmm¡K as to exactly what Buffy told Willow, I might put that in chapter 11 or 12 (still deciding when this whole thing I planned out will be)
Glad you enjoyed the walk; glad I could build a romantic image there.
Ya, Tara¡¦s gonna do it¡K we¡¦ll see exactly how she does it though *holds hands over mouth and shuts up*
Thanx for reading!
Grimmy: Ya, I wasn;t sure exactly how to work in exactly what Buffy said.
I¡¦m gonna do a Willow POV chapter after either one or two more (I know I wasn;t but I have a few ideas that I really want to do that wouldn¡¦t work otherwise, so¡K) and you¡¦ll get the basic idea there.
It is a scary thing to do, and wow. *bows to Grimmy¡¦s positive thinking skills* that¡¦s a good point.
thanx, glad you enjoyed those lines.Sorry bout the frustration, and lol! Glad you could relate to Buffy.
Hehe. The room does sound like a good idea, but I can promise that the talk¡K or well it¡¦s not so much of a talk as¡K *groans and shuts up at the frustration of finishing a chapter before replies and then spoiling the whole thing¡K* well, it happens in this chapter.
I guess I have made Tara pretty miserable throughout this fic. I can do a bit of happy afterwards, but then I am probably gonna take a break, at least to think of ideas for dates and stuff (I am a hopeless romantic, but can never seem to come up with those little ideas and things that other authors make my heart flip with unless I take a long time to think.) also I just was informed that I will not have any access to the board, even through kelz, to post over winter break, which starts in about 2 weeks and goes for 2 weeks, unless I get let back on¡K maybe I can use an Xmas present for that¡K its worth a shot, right?
Sorry kinda off topic there.
*rereads rehearsing part* oops, you¡¦re right. Sorry bout that. Unhealthy in my case, ya.
Thanx for reading!
Okay, I have 9b for you here, but i gotta put a warning on it... just can't tell for what without giving away what happens... so, um, try not to hate me too much, even though i know i probably deserve it...
Ch. 9b
"Will, I need to tell you something."
I can feel my own hands tighten their grip on hers, and I have to restrain myself from simply pulling her as close to me as possible and physically begging her not to destroy this, not to leave me alone.
And I haven't even told her anything yet.
She smiles in a kind of mild surprise and her eyes nervously seek out mine, while her hands return my clinging grasp, immediately calming me as she somehow tells me without words that she will still be here.
But I haven't told her anything yet.
She breaks the eye contact to look down at the snow, her face turning a little pink.
"Okay. I, kinda, gotta tell you something, too."
My heart immediately jumps into my throat at her words.
I try to tell myself that it doesn't necessarily mean anything, to point out that there are millions of different things she could be waiting to tell me, endless other possibilities to explain this. It doesn't work; I never expected it to in the first place.
I try to force the words out of my resistant heart, try to put into language what I feel for her.
I actually try to do it, I actually force my mouth to form the words. But they never escape my lips, never get past the last little edge that pulls them back into my throat.
How much do I tell her? Should I reveal everything to her, exactly how much I care for her? Do I just give her a hint and see what she wants me to do?
Nothing seems right. I promised myself I'd tell her everything, that I wouldn't hide anymore. But how much can she handle, or even believe right now?
How can I put into words this essence of her that fills me with every breath I draw; what can I say to describe the feeling of completeness that I don't even fully understand so that she will finally see me fully?
"You, uh, want me to go first?"
Her voice holds an honest attempt at being light hearted, but it sounds as if someone ran it through a grater beforehand and tore it forcefully from her mouth.
"You sure?"
My voice is a mix of relief and regret at the offer. It gives me more time to think; exactly what I need the most and fear the worst right now.
But once I tell her¡K everything, there most likely won't be any more time or effort to hear what she wants to tell me. So at least I will have this last moment to treasure, a last memory of her out here if she runs away.
She nods hesitantly, eyeing our footsteps in the brittle snow behind us. She turns from her path to face me, and I do the same, watching silently as so many little things play across her face.
"I..." Her brow crinkles in frustration as her mouth continues to move helplessly, glancing at me almost desperately, before trying again.
"I..." Her features begin to slump in defeat, and I gently rub my thumb along her hand, causing her to meet my eyes.
"You want me to go?"
I can't believe that I am saying it, but I am. I'd rather go through those awkward first steps myself than watch her have to.
"Nah, I just..." She breathes in deeply. "I just can't figure out, where to start, you know?" Her smile is uneasy and I know that my returning one is not much better.
She glances down at our entwined hands and traces little patterns with her thumbs, as I close my eyes dreamily at the whispers of contact.
"I guess I could..." She sighs and looks to the stars above us, seeking her answers in the far away pinpoints of light. She seems to change her mind though, and returns to studying the way our hands mold together as she reflects.
"Xander kissed me."
The words come out in a rush, shattering the dream I had been building. I can feel the pain immediately wash into me, melting the cool, glassy image of hope in my heart and tearing me apart.
My mind screams at me that she didn't ask him to, that it doesn't mean that I have to give up, but one solid fact rings in my ears and crushes my heart as I try to hold in the rising tears of anguish.
If he kissed her, she had to let him.
My hands shake uncontrollably as I try to make them let hers go, to give up that piece that I know completes me, and I can't.
I squeeze my eyes shut and try to ignore the jagged claws tearing my gut apart as she watches.
"That's, that's great Will. I mean, that's great for you, and..." A single tear trails down my cheek and I turn my head quickly to the ground, trying to hide the heartbreak I am experiencing from her. I quickly brush the lone drop off of my cheek on my sleeve, internally fighting the complete breakdown that is on the verge of overtaking me.
"You okay?" She lowers her head, her concerned eyes seeking mine and her hands pulling tightly back on mine where they had slipped away slightly.
I force down yet another wave of grief and brave meeting her eyes for a brief second, knowing that my light front will not last for any longer than that.
"Ya. W-why wouldn't I be?" My voice is cold and jagged, the flat tone the only thing other than sobs that is able to escape my tightening throat.
Her eyes flash in surprise and a twinge of hurt as she withdraws slowly and drops my hands, mirroring my immediate reaction to cross my arms protectively over my chest, the cold, calm shield I have made from my misery forcing her even farther away from me as my broken heart still calls out to her to stay.
"I, I don't know, I just-"
"Did you like it?"
The words surprise me as much as they do her, coming out raw and serrated as my dreams force me to look even now for a way out, a way that I could continue to believe in that last chance that is ripping my spirit wide open right now. My eyes are soaking in withheld tears now, but I cannot help looking up at her helplessly as my injured heart beats painfully, quickening as I wait for her answer.
"What?" Her eyes are peering deeply into mine, shooting straight through me as she tilts her head in surprise and question. "Tara, What-"
"When he kissed you. Did you like it?" My breath is ragged now, my voice thick with sorrow and my whole body aching for and dreading her answer.
Her brow crinkles in confusion as she speaks slowly, her arms slowly uncrossing and her face opening to me again.
"I, I don't, know. It was just like, we were walking and then- boom! His lips were all pressed against mine, and I think he even tried to put his tongue in my mouth, and Cordelia was right there, so the using kinda ruined any romance left, and then Buffy showed up..." The tips of her fingers brush together jerkily as she glances down before continuing.
"So, I guess I don't really know, whether or not I enjoyed it or anything. I mean, I don't, have any reason, to, not..." But her eyes avoid mine as obviously as her answer avoids the question, giving me an unneeded alert to the things she isn't saying.
My heart breaks into millions of pieces, scattered throughout me as my eyes close tightly, slightly halting the flow of anguish that leaks through.
Why else would she avoid telling me about the kiss? Somehow she can tell that it hurts me, so obviously she wouldn't tell me if she enjoyed it...
More tears work past my crumbling defenses to betray my unspoken suffering, the unbearable agony and unreasonable desertion of hope crushing even the will to hide. The protection that has always held me back until now has fled, leaving me alone when I see no reason to continue anyway.
"Tara?" Her voice wavers with a despairing strain as her hands forget their fear of my brittle shell of ice and reach out for me, grasping mine and gently cupping my cheek, sliding damply against the tear-stained skin.
"Tara, please, talk to me. What's wrong?"
The affection and worry in her voice breaks my heart all over again with the absence of the light rising inside of me that always accompanied them.
And still my face instinctively leans into her palm, my hand still aches to curl around hers.
Her fingers move slowly to brush the bottom of my chin, tilting my head up so that my eyes, dark and flooded with sadness meet hers, shining brightly with unshed tears of worry.
Her voice trembles even more at what she sees in my face, her head moving slightly forward and tilting to the side in desperation.
"Tara, no, please don't cry. You can tell me, I'll understand."
One of the tears in her eyes drops forlornly to trace a glistening path on her cheek, and my hand moves instinctively to brush it away, stopping only an inch away as I realize what I am doing. Her eyes seek mine and plead silently once, before closing as she tilts her head to meet my palm, swallowing hard. My thumb gently grazes her creamy skin, blurring the path of the drop of moisture still making its way down.
My lips tremble and part as her hair brushes the back of my hand, the silky contact encouraged by the way she rests gently into me. Her eyes open again to watch me as I struggle to form words, even as I realize I have no idea what I am going to say. The only thought in my mind is that she is crying, she is hurt, and I can't allow her to stay that way. And that I never got to tell her; was never fully honest. I can't make myself say anything now.
I know that I should; even through the pain I can almost make out the distant figure telling me that he could have surprised her, that it might not mean anything; the voice whispering almost audibly that there may have been other reasons for her not wanting to explain whatever reaction she had to Xander's kiss, but I don't- I can't believe them, so even if I could still bring myself to tell her, the words will not come willingly.
Her green eyes plead with mine, and a thought comes unbidden to my mind as I brokenly consider my options.
I don't need my voice to tell her, when words can never express fully what I need to show her.
My world blurs as I lean in slowly, my hand shifting slightly where I hold her.
I have only a few impossible inches to cross, and she doesn't pull away as her eyes search mine deeply, and I pour my whole being through them and into her.
Her hitched breathing, hot and teasing where it meets my chin, sends shivers through me as I tilt my head slightly and my nose brushes hers.
Her lips are so much softer than I even imagined, smooth and supple where mine connect me to her with silky contact.
My hand moves to the back of her head, memorizing the texture of her velvet hair, my whole body floating with the radiant lightness coursing through me.
My whole world flashes through my eyes as my soul comes fully awake for the first time. My whole body is humming at the way she completes me.
As the giddiness consumes me, and I begin to ache for more than simple contact, my hand returns to her cheek and I pull back slightly, feeling a part of me missing, left behind with her in the moment I fully realized how much love could actually achieve in me.
"I'm sorry."
My voice is as shattered as my spirit as I step slowly away from her and my eyes close once more against the pain, but not soon enough.
The look of shock on her face haunts me as I turn and walk away, my steps becoming a disjointed run as the tears of heartbreak streaming down my face mix with those of bliss from moments before.
Everything blurs in front of me, melting and changing as I fight to not collapse, until I find myself at my house.
I never realized my room was this cold or isolated, how lonely and dark it could be. It always lit up when she was here.
My bed sits in the far corner, even the blankness of sleep uninviting now. My fingers trace little patters over the sheets still mussed from when she sat here earlier today, as I wait anxiously for the inquiry that will come from my mom if she caught more than a passing glimpse of me on the way in. It never sounds, and after minutes of tense waiting I step slowly off of the mattress to recover the furry bear that is lying dejectedly in the square of moonlight that filters through my window, the faint glow the only thing illuminating the room.
I run my fingers through its coarse fur as I lay back into my pillow and think of my earlier thanks to it, just this morning.
I pull the doll close to my chest and close my eyes against the tears that threaten to spill yet again, and build it, and her, a shrine of memories as I drift into a light, disconsolate half-sleep.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Swirling snow slightly obscures the vision of a lithe, flame haired girl as she sinks slowly onto the frosted ground.
Wonder begins to replace the shock mirrored in her eyes as she raises a delicate hand to touch her lips almost cautiously and a single tear trails down her cheek.
Her gaze moves to the imprints of feet in the snow beside her, weaving sadly between the trees and into the dark.
She quickly brushes the tear off of where it has fallen to her chin and stands up, her face alight with both elation and distress, and unhesitatingly runs to follow the footsteps into the chilled night.
Umm, the warning was for angst. I've had this part planned since the before i even wrote anything but the prologue, and i'm really not trying to kill you, i sware. Sorry bout that, but i promise it gets better (see switched POV at the end, and see where i'm going with that...)
Edited by: xita
at: 12/8/03 6:51 pm
WOO HOO!!! Yay 
, 
. And now I am at a complete loss for words.
.
x 10000000.(Is it just me, or does it seem that he keeps getting more and more of these?
Spot 
YAY! 
and 
finally kiss. 
I can't wait to see what happens. It has me on the edge of my seat. Can't wait to 
more. Update soon, please? 
. stupid xander.. no one should be able to put their lips on willow but tara!
y, 
Keep up the good work.
