Title: The Hardest Thing To Do…
Author: Tarawhipped (Cameron)
Email: tarawhipped@hotmail.com
Rating: R
Disclaimer: All characters, and quite a bit of the dialogue, are the property of Joss Whedon/Mutant Enemy
Feedback: Love it, want it, crave it!
Distribution: Sure, just tell me where so I can visit!
Notes: This is a short fic based on what seemed to me to be just about the most cheeseball line ever (but in a good way
). It’s been in my head for a while, so as the blank pages that are Chapter 15 of Secrets and Spies continue to mock me, I thought I’d throw this out for your enjoyment. Hope you like it!
At the Bronze:
Spike (singing): "The pain that you feel only can heal by living. You have to go on living.”
Dawn: “The hardest thing to do in this world is to live in it.”
Minutes later, as the Scooby chorus line emerges from the Bronze, their eyes fall on a most disturbing and unnatural sight. Mouths drop open. Glasses are cleaned. Xander faints.
Willow, Tara, Anya, Giles, Dawn: “BUFFY!”
The next evening at Xander and Anya’s swank lovenest:
Anya: “What do you think it was like for her—you know, in Heaven?”
Tara: “Who cares?! We saw her making out with Spike!”
Xander faints.
Willow: “I can fix it—I know a spell that’ll make her forget she has this bizarro vampire fetish.”
Tara: “NO. Willow, that’s not what magic is for. She just needs a lot of psychotherapy.”
Xander begins to stir.
Anya: “I’m with Miss Electro-shock Therapy. Though you have to admit, there is something ruggedly handsome about Spike.”
Xander faints again.
Willow and Tara: “Eww.”
Later that night at the Summers house:
Tara: “I mean it Willow—no spells for a week or…what was I saying?”
Willow (hiding a sprig of Lethe’s Bramble behind her back): “Uhh…you were saying it was your turn to be the Dom.”
Tara: “Oh. Right. Then GET THOSE CLOTHES OFF NOW! If I don’t see you naked and spread on that bed in 10…9…8…”
Willow frantically rips off her clothes.
Tara: "Now where’d I leave my whip?”
The next morning:
Dawn: “Wow, I guess you really were pissed at Willow, huh?”
Tara (confused): “What? No, Dawnie, I’m not—”
Dawn: “You know, 'cause of how she keeps mind-wiping you—though from what I heard last night she took her punishment really well.”
Tara: “WILLOW!”
Willow (from upstairs): “Uh-oh…I can’t hear you! I’ll meet you at the Magic Box!”
Later that day, in the sewers:
Xander: “Sorry, I just got back the memory of seeing King Ralph.”
Dawn: “God you’re lame. Let’s go find the others.”
A short time later at the shop:
Giles: “Right, I’m leaving for England. You’re all bloody mad, and I need to find a grownup to shag.”
As Giles goes to exit the shop, Spike appears and grabs him by the arms.
Spike (singing): “You’ll find a date. We’ll get you laid, maybe if you paid. Just stay, mate.”
Dawn: “The hardest thing to do in this town is to have a healthy lasting relationship in it."
Willow smiles at Tara, who rolls her eyes and scowls.
Minutes later, Buffy, Xander, Anya, Willow and Tara walk outside. They stop dead in their tracks, shocked at the sight before them.
Buffy: “GILES! Why are you kissing Spike?!"
Tara and Willow: “Ewww!”
Anya: “Hmm…”
Xander faints.
Back at the penthouse o' heterosexual bliss:
The Scoobies dump Xander onto his bed with a thud.
Buffy: “Okay, either he has to stop passing out, or he’s gotta go on a diet.”
Xander (regaining consciousness): “The horror…the horror.”
Anya (reaching for him): “Xander! You’re okay!”
Xander (recoiling): “Ahn, don’t touch me! I…I can’t marry you. In fact, after what I’ve seen, I think celibacy is the only way to go. I may also need to have my eyes poked out.”
Anya (taking off engagement ring and throwing it at Xander’s head): “FINE! I should have let Olaf grind your bones to make his bread!”
Anya turns to leave, but Spike is there, grabbing her by her arms.
Spike (singing): “You’ll both say ‘I do.’ You’re meant to be, why can’t you see? No one else can stand you.”
Dawn: “The hardest thing to do at a wedding is to go through with it.”
Before the rest of the Scoobies can clear out of the room, Xander has joined Anya and Spike in a passionate three-way tonguefest.
Willow and Tara: “Ewwww!”
Buffy (stamping her foot): “Spike, I am REALLY getting tired of this!”
Giles takes his glasses off and breaks them.
Later that night at Casa de Buffster:
Willow (lounging naked on the bed): “Aw, come on baby.”
Tara (getting dressed): “I can’t believe you Will! You did it AGAIN! That’s it, I’m out of here—oh, and I found your stash and flushed it.
Tara rips open the door, but Spike is there, blocking her exit.
Spike (singing): “You know you can’t go. Though Red’s lost your trust, she still has your lust. You’re horny.”
Dawn: “The hardest thing to do in a lesbian relationship is avoid bed death.”
Willow and Tara gaze at each other, grinning and blushing.
Spike looks on expectantly, as do Buffy, Dawn, Xander and Anya.
Giles (sans glasses): “I can’t see—are they kissing yet?”
Willow: “Ewwwwwwww!”
Tara: “You wish Spike.” (slams door; giggling and squeaking bed springs follow)
Buffy (walking downstairs): “Lesbian bed death?”
Dawn: “Saw it on Oprah.”
The End
What should I be but just what I am? - Edna St.Vincent Millay
Edited by: tarawhipped at: 4/16/05 6:14 pm
Oh My GOd!!!
That was great. If you think of writing another. PLease do.
... *on floor*...
!!! and...and....
Extra special big thanks to veiled isis moon, tinnakaren, amanozaa, WickedReds, Spikeizmine87, onyxsundrops, ambersagoddess, EasierSaid, Mikaelah Braenna, and sizzlersister for your kind words and encouragement. I have to admit that I'm a bit nervous about writing anything intentionally funny ever again for fear of failing to live up to expectations, and just generally sucking. However, I do have something else in mind, so it'll probably be added here, and the thread title changed to something original like "Short fics by Cam." I'm back on a roll with Secrets and Spies, though, so I'm gonna try and finish that before I start anything new.
... u got a pouty smut bunny on ur hands now...
Edited by: 
Okay. 
Great job Cameron, pretty much nailed the bleechy mood on the stupid head.
-Cameron
... hehe
....
