Couple more quick replies:
Naeryn: Megan, I was lmao r.e. the "Good Girl's Guide to Knots." You may be on to something! Glad you appreciated the granola description of S4/5 Tara...that was the intention, and after I knew I was going to do a sequel, I couldn't wait to use that joke. And I agree that it's not entirely Buffy's fault that she's jumping to conclusions and clueless...she's still pining over
Parker at this point for gods' sakes! More lmao r.e "Queen of Shitty Timing"...she's definitely earning that one. Thanks![br]
WickedReds: Thanks G! It always makes me happy to see you here, and somehow I knew you'd appreciate those chapter titles! Glad you liked the impersonations as well...I'll be using that again in the next Dopey series.
[br]
Okay...on to the update...
Title: The Chronicles of Dopeygayland
Author: tarawhipped (Cameron)
Email:
tarawhipped@hotmail.com
Rating: NC-17
Disclaimer: All characters are the property of Joss Whedon/Mutant Enemy
Feedback: If you know what’s good for you, you will.
Distribution: Sure, just tell me where so I can visit!
Notes: Super colossal heaping big thanks to my beta, Carleen, who reads
really damn fast. Totally my fault that this wasn't up last night. You rock, Car!
Thoughts in italics[br][br][br]
Dopeygayland Spanks Back, Part 8: Friends, Lovers, and Sworn Enemies[br][br]
Buffy barreled down on the startled witches, who managed to avoid being impaled when they each shoved the other out of harm's way at the last moment. They landed in identical heaps on either side of the walkway, while Buffy's Slayer speed carried her 100 feet down the path before she could jerk to a halt. She instantly spun around, stamping her feet, nostrils flaring like an angry bull preparing to charge. Willow and Tara climbed to their feet, brushing dirt off of their clothes and anxiously eyeing the Slayer, who began to run toward them again. In truth it was less a run than a controlled fast walk—the Chosen One would not be fooled twice.[br]
“Buffy!” Willow shouted over the distance, “what are you doing?!”[br]
“What's it look like?” the Slayer growled. “Killing vampires.”[br]
“What?! But we aren't vampires!” Willow yelled, looking over for confirmation from a wide-eyed Tara, who shook her head frantically.[br]
“Nice try, but how dumb do you think I am?”[br]
Willow considered her available responses to the query, but before she could choose one that would get her killed, vampire or not, Tara leaned in close.[br]
“She must have seen the other one!”[br]
“Who's Juan?” Buffy shouted as she continued to stalk her unmoving prey.[br]
“What?!” the dumbfounded witches asked in unison.[br]
“You said ‘the other Juan.’”[br]
“Not Juan! ONE!” Willow hollered, wincing as she belatedly realized that the Slayer had moved to within normal talking range. “The me you saw that was a vampire wasn't me--not the me me that IS me, but the me who it turns out didn't get dusted in another dimension, but showed up here with Tara--the Slayer Tara, not this Tara, who's just a nice, sweet, normal girl who will probably have nothing to do with me when this is over.” Willow took a deep breath. “In conclusion...we're not vampires.”[br]
Buffy looked at the two and squinted, brandishing her stake, which she was already brandishing so it was more of a small jerky motion resembling a muscle spasm.[br]
“Prove it!” she challenged.[br]
“Uhhh,” Willow thought out loud, looking to Tara for assistance, but the blonde simply shrugged.[br]
“Ok, well, we could wait for the sun to rise and NOT incinerate us, but that means we’d have to stand here for the next ohhh,” the redhead consulted her watch and quickly did the math, “9 hours and 53 minutes…give or take a few minutes.”[br]
“Anybody got a cross?” Buffy impatiently asked.[br]
“Hello? Still Jewish,” Willow replied with a roll of her eyes.[br]
“I’m Wicca,” Tara explained with an apologetic smile.[br]
Buffy stamped her foot again and loudly expelled a puff of air. “Holy water???”[br]
“Sorry, no,” Willow admitted.[br]
“HAH! My Willow would NEVER walk around Sunnydale at night without holy water!”[br]
“I forgot it at home!” the redhead insisted. “It’s been a really weird day, so just…back off.”[br]
Buffy fixed her possibly undead best friend with a steely stare and took several menacing steps toward her. The redhead shot back her own mix of her infamous ‘resolve face’ combined with righteous indignation. Unfortunately, there was also a fair amount of trepidation, which gave the overall impression that Willow was on the verge of throwing up, which in truth would not have surprised her.[br]
“I um, have a f-flask of holy water back in m-my room,” Tara softly interjected, bringing the stare fight to a thoroughly anticlimactic conclusion. Willow sighed in relief, while Buffy arched an imperious eyebrow.[br]
“Lead the way,” the Slayer ordered.[br][br][br][br]
Giles finished his set at the Espresso Pump’s Mellow Monday Open Mic Acoustic Jam, carefully packing up his guitar and dodging through the crowd of soccer moms ogling him hungrily.[br]
He ducked out of the open-air café and around the corner to his car, too flustered by the attention to notice a menacing presence silently approaching on the deserted street. He threw his case into the back of the gray Citroen and let the front seat fall into place. Before he could climb in, a black cloth was thrown over his head. The last thing he recognized was the dull thunk of a blunt object against his skull.[br][br][br][br]
Tara paused with her hand a few inches from the doorknob.[br]
“Do you think they’re um…done?”[br]
“Done with what?” Buffy asked, not waiting for an answer from the blushing witches before stepping forward and throwing the door open. All three tiptoed into the apparently deserted room, each noting the broken chair and desk, the rumpled bedcovers strewn over the mattress, which lay askew on the frame.[br]
“Not exactly a neat freak, are you Tara?” Buffy deadpanned.[br]
“Hey!” Willow reprimanded. “She is too! Neat, that is…not a freak…or a ‘neat freak’ as in weirdly obsessive about it…unless you are,” the redhead directed to the amused Wicca. “Which is totally cool, I mean, who DOESN’T like to organize…I myself just devised a new color-based system for note-taking aaaand…this really isn’t the time, is it?”[br]
Buffy enveloped her friend in a tight hug.[br]
“Tara! She’s squeezing me to death! Run…save yourself!”[br]
The Slayer loosened her grip and grinned at the redhead. “You aren’t a vampire!”[br]
“I know…I said that before…loudly…and several times.”[br]
“Well, yeah, but if you were a vampire you’d just lie about it. There’s no way even a vamp you could be so…Willowy.”[br]
“You mean nerdy, don’t you?” the redhead accurately gauged with a sigh.[br]
“I think it’s cute,” Tara admitted with a lopsided grin.[br]
Buffy rolled her eyes at the lovey-dovey looks passing between the witches, and was about to comment on the lack of other people in the room when she caught a muffled sound coming from the closet. She jerked open the door, pulling it off its hinges in the process and only just hopping out of the way in time before it slammed onto the floor. Three pairs of wide eyes stared into the closet.[br]
Willow tilted her head sideways.
I wonder if I’m that bendy.[br]
“Wow…I didn’t know those bars would hold a whole person,” Buffy mused.[br]
On cue, the clothes rack cracked and collapsed, depositing an entirely naked Vamp Willow under a pile of floral dresses. Tara the Vampire Slayer turned around with a grin.[br]
“Hi. Has it been an hour already?” she asked, breathing heavy.[br]
“What have you done to my room?” Tara inquired angrily.[br]
“Sorry about that,” Slayer Tara shrugged. “That’s some really shoddy furniture you had there,” she assessed, indicating the remains of her twin’s workspace.[br]
“Hey, watch where you point that stake,” Buffy warned.[br]
“I don’t think that’s a stake, Buffy,” Willow hissed. “It’s umm—” [br]
“My hand carved olivewood Goddess Gaia statue!” Tara murmured morosely.[br]
The vampire extricated herself from the pile of clothes and took the figure from her Mistress. “Mmmm,” she purred, “nubby.”[br]
Tara let out a pathetic squeak and turned away, dropping her head onto Willow’s shoulder. The redhead soothed the distraught girl, rubbing her back and whispering “I’ll get you a new one.”[br]
“I was gonna say, using a stake for
that is just all kinds of wrong,” Buffy concluded.[br]
“C’mon Buffy…late night patrol…no one around…you never…?” Slayer Tara left her comment hanging as everyone turned to look at the diminutive blonde. Everyone except the vampire, who was happily sucking on the Goddess as if it was a nine-inch Willowsicle.[br]
“Much as I would love to stay here all night swapping Slayer stories with Faith Junior here, we have a serious problem,” Buffy diverted. “Spike is back in town, and he’s looking for the Gem of Amara.”[br]
“The what?” Willow frowned.[br]
“Oh shit,” Slayer Tara swore.[br]
“Wh-who’s Spike?”[br]
“Oooohhhhhhhh!” the vampire squealed. Her Mistress turned to scowl at her writhing pet.[br]
“Did I give you permission to come, Kitten?”[br][br][br][br]
“Ohhhhh,” Giles groaned.[br]
“It’s about bleedin’ time you came to.”[br]
“Spike,” the former librarian sneered, gingerly prodding the large knot on the back of his head. “Whatever you came back here for, you won’t get it. Buffy will—”[br]
“The game’s changed a bit, mate. As soon as Buffy finds I have her Watcher, she’ll do that irritating little hero thing she’s so fond of, and then the
Slayer will die a slow painful death at my hands. So what do you think, Rupert? Would you prefer to stay alive and watch, or shall I just kill you now?”[br][br][br]
TBC[br][br]
Oh man, that Buffy - she's always the last to catch on. Nice cliffhanger, I wonder how long it will take Willow and Tara to convince Buffy that Willow is NOT a vamp? I guess I'll have to just wait and see...
I hope my buddy T is satisfied with the smut cos I am. 
) and was chuckling at myself at 
.
).[br]
Your hypnotic powers have no effect on me but you don't need them...I always want to update for you anyway (I'm just easily diverted by chat). 
*evil snicker* And a Slayer smackdown, you say? Not in the next update, but stay tuned![br]
. I'm so full of contradictions nowadays (well, as long as you don't reply and say I'm full of shit ...).