I'd like to thank everyone for reading, and for the wonderful words of praise and encouragement. Y'all are so great to write for!
--Cam
Title: The Chronicles of Dopeygayland
Author: tarawhipped (Cameron)
Email:
tarawhipped@hotmail.com
Rating: NC-17
Disclaimer: All characters are the property of Joss Whedon/Mutant Enemy
Feedback: If you know what’s good for you, you will.
Distribution: Sure, just tell me where so I can visit!
Notes: 1.Thanks once again to Carleen for being the best beta I ever had! *wonders if Car remembers I've never had a beta before* Seriously, Car...you've made me 94.2% less self-doubting than on any other story I've written, so I and my stress level thank you!
2. Thanks to JustSkipIt, watson, GayNow, meretricious, and cooper for (in most cases) unknowingly letting me include their names, fics, and or suggestions in this final update.
3. Thoughts in italics[br][br][br]
Dopeygayland Spanks Back, Part 9: Getting Some, Getting Gone[br][br]
“Spike is a vampire, and according to Giles the Gem of Amara is some legendary whatsit that makes vamps impossible to kill,” Buffy summed up.[br]
“Okay, here’s what we do,” Slayer Tara stated as she finished changing back into her own clothes. “Willow, Tara…find Anyanka and give back her necklace,” she directed. “Kitten, go with them, make sure they’re safe. If anything happens to them I’m holding you responsible. Buffy and I will—”[br]
“Excuse me, but who put you in charge?” Buffy challenged. “This is
my dimension…I get to say what goes.”[br]
“Be my guest,” Tara replied sweetly.[br]
“Will…take Tara and find Anya…get her back to Giles’ place, we can send these two back from there. The rest of us will track down Spike.”[br]
“They should have backup,” Tara insisted, standing toe to toe with her sister Slayer and looking down at the smaller girl. “Kitten won’t hurt them.”[br]
“It’s okay, Buffy,” Willow agreed, knowing how stubbornly overprotective her friend could be and trusting the other Slayer’s assertion.[br]
Buffy fixed a cold stare on the now fully dressed vampire, who blew the Slayer a kiss. “If either of them gets so much as a hangnail…you’re dust.”[br]
“Oooh…scary!” the undead Willow mocked.[br]
“If you can’t find the demon, or run into any trouble, just call,” Slayer Tara added, scribbling down her cell phone number and handing it to her twin. Willow, Tara, and Buffy looked at her blankly.[br]
“I don’t have a cell phone,” the three said in unison.[br]
“You don’t—what century are you people living in?” Slayer Tara scoffed, pulling an extra phone out of her bag and tossing it to her doppelganger before turning to face Buffy. “Next you’ll tell me you patrol in a halter-top and fight vampires with witty banter.”[br]
The comment itself would not have fazed Buffy, who was used to remaining cool in the face of danger and taunting, but Willow’s uncontrollable snorting laughter put a chink in her façade. She shot her friend a chastening glare.[br]
“Sorry, it’s just…sorry,” Willow spoke through the last of her giggles. “Maybe we should go,” she hinted, grabbing her backpack and ushering Tara out the door, closely followed by the vampire and the Slayers.[br][br][br][br]
Giles looked at his watch and silently wished for Buffy to burst through the door of the crypt. He was unsure if it was Spike’s snarky enthusiasm or the recent head wound, but he was finding himself disturbingly entertained first by The Amazing Race and now Survivor, and was rather hoping to either be rescued or knocked unconscious again to avoid the embarrassment of actually enjoying the evening.[br]
“You silly git! Shag her! Who cares if it’s mistake!” the vampire shouted at the telly.[br][br][br][br]
Tara watched in amusement as Buffy pummeled Willy the Snitch to no avail. The petite blonde had all but given up when Tara stepped in and palmed the tight-lipped bartender a $10.[br]
“Oh
that Spike! Why didn’t ya say so? Word on the street says he has the Gem of Amara and was gonna kidnap your Watcher. I hear he’s got a place over at Shady Acres…lemme see…that big fancy pink one…the Watson crypt.”[br]
“Thanks, Willy,” Tara winked, downing the tequila shot provided her.[br]
“My pleasure. Nice doing business with someone with class,” he replied, leering at the ten-dollar bill and frowning at Buffy.[br][br][br][br]
“Are you okay?” Willow asked hesitantly, keenly aware of the overwhelming silence since leaving the dorm.[br]
“Oh, um,” Tara blushed, glancing at the redhead and smiling slightly. “I w-was thinking about h-how strange this day turned out. It s-started perfectly normal…shower…classes…coffee…,” she trailed off, lost in thought.[br]
Willow bunched the hem of her t-shirt in her fists, afraid of where the conversation was going.[br]
“I thought I’d be s-studying for my French quiz tonight, but instead I’m here with you.”[br]
Willow looked down at the ground and nodded, kicking a pebble into a tree as she shuffled along.[br]
“It’s amazing,” the blonde continued. “You’re like this cool monster fighter, and I know I should be shocked, or scared…but I’m having the best night of my life.”[br]
“What?” Willow exclaimed, coming to a halt on the path, unsure if she’d actually heard the words or just imagined them.[br]
“I know this is p-probably just another day for you,” the blonde murmured quietly, dropping her head down and furrowing her brow. She saw a small freckled hand reach forward to squeeze her forearm, and looked up into Willow’s beaming face.[br]
“Best night of my life,” the redhead echoed sincerely.[br][br][br][br]
“Who do you think you are, paying off
my informants?” Buffy bellowed as soon as they were back on the street, heading for the cemetery.[br]
“Excuse the hell out of me, Buffy, but violence is not always the answer, you know,” Tara responded in a patronizing tone.[br]
“But now he’s going to expect cash every time I walk in there!”[br]
“So what’s the problem? I mean…ten bucks…I was almost embarrassed for the guy.”[br]
“Hello?! College student here…not made of money!”[br]
“But the Council is,” Tara said slowly, not getting the point until she caught the blank expression on Buffy’s face, at which point she burst out laughing. “You didn’t fall for that ‘this is your destiny, so you don’t get paid’ crap, did you?” The look on her fellow Slayer’s face told Tara all she needed to know. “Didn’t you ever think it was odd that Watchers get paid, but Slayers don’t?”[br]
“How much?” Buffy ground out, her face red with anger.[br]
“The take home’s not very competitive, but I’ve got an unlimited expense account for official business, and they don’t audit too closely,” she grinned. “The benefits plan rocks, and I refused to sign my contract til they threw in a 401K.”[br]
“Contract?” Buffy spat.[br]
Tara snorted. “How naïve
are you?! No wonder you haven’t been able to kill Spike…he must walk all over you!”[br]
Buffy landed a hard right cross to Tara’s jaw. The startled Slayer rubbed her face and narrowed her eyes, striking back with a quick left jab to her counterpart’s chin. Buffy dropped and spun, lashing out with her right leg to trip Tara, who easily avoided the maneuver with a hop and caught Buffy square in the back with a roundhouse kick. The diminutive Slayer rolled to her back and flipped herself to her feet, striking a defensive pose.[br]
“We don’t have to do this, Buffy,” Tara warned.[br]
“Oh we
so have to do this.” Buffy charged, tiny fists flying.[br][br][br][br]
Giles snored in the dusty overstuffed chair, while Spike paced furiously around the crypt, chain smoking and repeatedly looking at the door. He checked the clock on top of the television, glanced at the Watcher and rolled his eyes.[br]
“Bugger this!” he cursed, grabbing his overcoat and storming outside to hunt down his prey.[br][br][br][br]
“So how do we find this Anya person?” Tara asked.[br]
“That’s easy,” the vampiric redhead stepped in, clearing her throat. “I summon Anyanka!”[br]
“That won’t work…she doesn’t have her powers,” Willow said, jumping as she turned around to see the former demon.[br]
“I know,” the vampire said. “She was right over there,” she added, pointing at the campus café.[br]
“Willow,” Anyanka sneered at the hacker.[br]
“Hi Anya…how’ve you been?”[br]
“I should rip out your entrails and make a scarf out of them…I should—”[br]
“Anya…it’s not my fault Xander is gay…and it’s not like you ever went out with him, anyway. So…get over it.”[br]
“When I get my powers back you will tremble before me!”[br]
“You mean this?” the vampire asked, dangling the necklace in front of her. Anya grabbed for it, but the redhead pulled it away. “First you’re going to help us.”[br][br][br][br]
Buffy squirmed in a tight headlock, falling forward as Tara released her grip and booted her in the backside.[br]
“Truce?” Tara inquired, breathing heavy. Buffy nodded curtly. “Good…then let’s go find your vampire.”[br]
“Looking for me, luv?”[br]
The Slayers spun as Spike slowly approached, tossing aside his cigarette and smirking.[br]
“Spike, you shouldn’t have co—”[br]
“Buffy!” Tara hissed. “Knock off the chatter and
fight.”[br]
“You do things your way, I’ll do them mine.”[br]
“Okay, raise your hand if you’ve ever killed Spike,” Tara snapped, left arm high in the air. The vampire blinked in confusion.[br]
“Who the bloody hell are you?”[br]
Tara answered with a right hook, and the fight was on. The Slayers worked in tandem, one falling back as the other took the lead, trading off blow-for-blow with the vampire, whose smug grin only grew during the fight. When Buffy buried a stake deep in his chest, he pulled it out with a smirk and threw it at her feet.[br]
“You’ll have to do better than that luv, unless all you were just planning to do was poke holes in my wardrobe.”[br]
Buffy paused, the temptation to be a smartass too great. She scoffed at his electric maroon satin shirt. “Trust me, it’s an improvement.”[br]
Tara took advantage of the distraction to sneak up behind the vampire and grab him in a bear hug.[br]
“Buffy! Get the ring!”[br]
Buffy lunged, sliding the Gem of Amara off of his undead finger. Tara thrust him away. He spun and raced toward Buffy, who lobbed the ring toward Tara, who in turn tossed a stake to Buffy. Spike ran right into the sharpened point, his face a mask of surprise in the seconds before he disappeared in a poof of dust.[br]
“Wanna grab a quick beer?” Tara asked.[br]
“Sounds good.”[br][br][br][br]
Anya, Tara, and the Willows arrived at Giles’ to find a note stuck to his door with a dagger. Willow read the letter aloud.[br]
“Slayer…I have your Watcher. Meet me at the Watson crypt at Shady Acres by midnight or he dies.”[br]
“Giles!” the redhead exclaimed. “We have to help him!”[br]
“I don’t have to do anything,” Anya insisted primly.[br]
“You sure?” the vampire countered, swinging the demon’s necklace in front of her and stuffing it back in her leather pants when she predictably made a move for it. “Demon girl and I will go…you two stay here and wait.”[br]
Before they could argue, Vamp Willow had hurried away, dragging a protesting Anya with her. Willow sighed and reached under the flowerpot for Giles’ spare key, entering the apartment cautiously and motioning for the blonde to come inside when she saw that the coast was clear.[br]
“Do you want something to drink? Giles’ snack options aren’t always the best, but he has the largest collection of tea outside of Great Britain.”[br]
“That’d be n-nice,” Tara nodded, looking around the bachelor’s surprisingly tidy home and happily gravitating toward his bookshelf, overflowing with occult tomes. She was sitting on the floor flipping through “Cooper’s Compendium of Bacchanalian Ritual” when the redhead returned, balancing two steaming mugs of tea and a plate of raspberry tarts. Tara smiled and joined the girl on the couch, both smiling shyly and trying to inconspicuously shuffle closer to the other. Willow and Tara reached for the same pastry at once, sucking in identical gasps as they felt the spark of connection course through their joined fingertips. Their cloudy eyes met, staring deeply before delving over lips and throats, heaving chests and nervous hands. Tara entwined her fingers with Willow’s, still poised over the plate of tarts.[br]
“I’m n-not r-really that h-hungry,” she whispered.[br]
“No?” Willow breathed. “Are you sure you don’t uh…want something else?”[br]
The blonde licked her parched lips, one side of her mouth turning up as she watched Willow’s eyes fly wide open at the movement. Both girls inched forward.[br][br][br][br]
“Right here,” Tara stated, rolling up her sleeve and pointing to spot on her inner forearm. Buffy squinted, but could see nothing. “Polgara demon…sliced all the way through…healed up nice though,” Tara commented, bringing her arm to her face and peering intently at the flawless skin.[br]
Buffy downed her beer and waved the mug at a passing waitress. She leaned forward and pulled up the back of her shirt, revealing her scar-less back. “This big…thing…hoisted me over his head and cracked me over a headstone.
That one actually still hurt the next day.”[br]
“That
sucks,” Tara gushed, wobbling a little as she commiserated with her new buddy. She swung her right leg onto the table, sending a bowl of pretzels flying. “See this leg?” Buffy nodded. “M’Fashnik demon…he bent it back and whacked me in the head…with my own foot!”[br]
“That’s just…rude!” Buffy bellowed, belching in an entirely unladylike manner. “Oh!” she shouted, pulling down the front of her halter-top and pointing at the skin between her breasts. “See here? Angel…,” she trailed off with a sniffle.[br]
“He broke your heart?” Tara asked softly, having heard about her counterpart’s vampire relationship over their third round.[br]
“Pfft,” Buffy slurred. “He gave me a huge hickey!”[br]
The Slayers collapsed in laughter, clutching each other and sliding off of the booth bench and onto the floor as other patrons looked askance at the obnoxiously inebriated pair.[br]
“That’s it…I’m cutting you off,” Willy called out from the bar.[br][br][br][br]
Willow pushed open the door of the crypt while Anya stood idly by, chewing on her manicured nails and scowling. Following the glow of the television screen, the two crept up behind a body slumped in a chair.[br]
“I think he’s dead,” Anya surmised as she walked around to face him. A loud snore made her shriek, which in turn brought Giles bolting to his feet, looking around wildly.[br]
“Willow?” he asked at last, peering at the redhead in confusion. “And….Anya, is it?”[br]
“Yes, Anya,” she confirmed. “And this isn’t the Willow you know…this is a vampire…you should stake her.”[br]
“Good Lord,” he exclaimed in a perfectly calm manner, patting his coat pockets for a weapon, but finding only a crumbled raspberry tart and several wrinkled Espresso Pump napkins with smudged phone numbers and the names ‘Mary’ and ‘Carleen’ written on them.[br]
“’M not bad,” the vampire pouted. “Came to rescue you, take you home.”[br]
“Ah, I see,” Giles replied, not understanding at all, but not seeing any alternative at the moment. “After you, then.”[br][br][br][br]
The first kiss was hesitant, the barest pressure of mouths meeting, the sound of an antique clock ticking off the seconds the only indication of movement in the room. Heartbeats soon outpaced the clock as lips brushed over lips with feathery softness. Arms encircled waists, fingers twined through hair, two bodies gravitating ever closer until mouths opened to allow each other inside. A pause to breathe, leaning heavily against each other, limbs shaking with the intensity of the moment. Eyes searching fervently, drifting closed as thought gave way to feeling of hearts and hands. Soft fingers roaming over arms, necks, and jaws; stroking, squeezing, learning. Mouths sought each other in increasing frenzy, tongues swirling, teeth nipping, lips curling in delight. Willow twisted her torso to lie down on the couch, pulling Tara on top of her.[br][br][br][br]
Buffy and Tara stumbled down the sidewalk to Giles’ house, arms thrown over each other’s shoulders, singing “We Are the Champions” loudly and off-key, substituting ‘champions’ with ‘Slayers’ and ‘losers’ with ‘vampires.’ As they approached the stairway down to the Watcher’s courtyard, neither girl noticed the three figures approaching them from the other direction.[br]
“Buffy!” Giles shouted as the two groups neared each other.[br]
“Giles!” Buffy squealed, extricating her arm from the taller Slayer’s shoulder and punching the Englishman on the shoulder, not noticing his grimace of pain. “I’m s’posed to get paid!” she slurred, tripping over her feet. Giles caught her before she fell and righted her, recoiling as the smell of beer and smoke wafted over him.[br]
“Are you drunk?” he asked with incredulity, guiding her down the steps. She held up her thumb and forefinger, close together at first, then spreading them with a grin.[br]
Anya stomped down after them, followed by Tara and her Kitten, who staggered blindly down the stairs, passionately entwined, pausing every few steps to grope against the wall. Giles held his Slayer up with one hand while searching for his keys with the other. He unlocked the door and dragged Buffy inside.[br]
“I certainly hope
someone can explain to me what is going on!” he demanded sternly, letting Willow come in only after Buffy’s disturbing assurance that the vampire wouldn’t be ripping into anyone but Tara.[br]
A startled squeal followed by a loud thump echoed through the quiet room, and the newcomers all turned to see the wide eyes of a blonde and redhead peeking at them from over the couch. Willow stood up, hastily tugging her shirt back down and helping Tara to her feet, where the blushing Wicca averted her gaze and repeatedly smoothed her skirt.[br]
“Hi!” the hacker squeaked, cringing at the pitch of her voice. “Spell time? Cause I am
so ready for a…um…”[br]
“Oh, for crying out loud,” Anya rolled her eyes. “Get with the spell casting! I have things to do!”[br][br][br][br]
The furniture had been pushed aside, the ingredients prepared, Anya’s necklace returned with a stern warning. Hugs had been exchanged, several with inappropriate gropes, and two still tipsy promises to get together again sometime. Giles recited from an ancient text while Anyanka focused her power to open a portal, which opened in a flash of light and blowing wind. Slayer Tara took her pet’s hand and walked toward the swirling mass.[br]
“Hey,” Buffy stated, patting her jeans. “What happened to the Gem of Amara?”[br]
Tara reached into her pocket and frowned. Vamp Willow grinned wickedly and held out her hand, where the ring sparkled in the dancing light of the portal.[br]
“You mean this one?” she asked coyly, wiggling her fingers.[br]
Buffy leapt forward, tackling the vampire and sending them both into the abyss.[br]
“Buffy!” Willow shouted, diving in after her best friend without hesitation.[br]
“Willow!” Tara echoed, throwing herself in after her new girlfriend.[br]
“What the fuck?” the remaining Slayer said, charging after the group.[br]
“Bloody hell,” Giles exclaimed with an exhausted sigh, walking hesitantly up to the barrier until it enveloped him and folded in upon itself.[br]
Anyanka brushed her hands together, nodding once in satisfaction.[br]
“Thank God that’s over with,” she stated, plopping down on the couch and turning on the tv.[br][br]
THE END[br][br][br]
***Author’s note: Okay, so obviously that’s NOT the end, really, but that is the end of Dopeygayland Spanks Back. The story will continue at some point in the third installment of The Chronicles of Dopeygayland: Return to Dopeygayland: The Musical! Until then, sweet Kittens, adieu! *bows*[br][br]
hehehe...thanks, pal![br]
especially for someone as tech savvy as Willow, I've always been surprised she hasn't come up with devices for communication / tracking each other / tracking demons etc. I think ME did a copout, once she was a "witch" she can't be a "techie" anymore, and that's sad. Of course, the whole part about slayers getting paid by the council again shows the lack of initiative shown by the Scoobs over the years. Oh and it's absolutely necessary to have a 401(k), I'm sure ST negotiated a inter-dimensional medical plan and performance bonus too!
.
huh....I sure as hell did not expect that to happen at the end...but who the hell am I kidding? I loved it! 
I just found this story today, and I've already finished reading the whole thing. It was awesome!!! 
I can't wait for the musical. I am definitely going to love reading that too. And I'm gonna be punishing myself for not reading this fic sooner. 
was so cute. Don't you just love it when they get caught? 'Cause I do.
You should be a comedian Cam. 
I've loved everything about this fic, and the 1st fic; I can't wait to read the next part of Chronicles of Dopeygayland! 
I'm lacking words really, but thumbs up for everything in the fic, s'alllll good! 
)
Again 
