Lamplight

[WillowTaraGaiden]

Angst and more angst, get it while it's HOT! Willow being almost parental-like towards Tara was very interesting, hopefully she'll become her "anchor" ,hehe, and hold her down from a world of pain rather than be the cause of it... of course to do that, Tara would need to actually let Willow be with her!
It's a shame that Tara really can't seem to see around the "social" point of view, i.e., the fact that they would be considered a gay couple to others, and the fact that Willows seems to currently have money and Tara does not. To let such social "values" and "traditions" come between them... sigh, angst!
Well, on the better side, a job well done! This is my favorite current fic of the moment and I'm dying for more so pretty please? Anytime soon would be fine!

[DelWhicker]

Yippee! Willow wants to be Tara's clingy girlfriendy type person. Uh, but in a good way. Now all we need is Tara to be on the same page and we'll all be a happy bunch of kittens!


And, uh, Mary? Recap ala TWOP? What a hoot you are! I'm sure to be cleaning peanut butter off of my monitor for weeks to come.

~Del

[cooper]

First, Mary,
this was the funniest reply ever

Tara. So, have you seen Pretty in Pink? Tara is Molly Ringwald in the record store, and Ducky is singing Otis Redding and Annie Potts is, like, the coolest person ever, and Molly is OBLIVIOUS. Buy a clue.

I loved loved loved PIP. This scene was the coolest. Ahh John Hughes movies.


Watson
To borrow a phrase from my high school years that was as dramatic as possible, My Souls Hurts from reading this. Oh to see and feel their pain as they try to equally protect themselves is just heartwrenching. I love it!

cooper

Who had to edit, because she can't figure out how to make something bold text. Maybe next time ok?

[Artemis]

Ouch The horrible thing is, it's so easy to understand both Willow and Tara's reasons for behaving the way they are. They're not being horrible out-of-character people, they're just... being people, and trying to cope as best they can. Tara's life has been full of hardship, and her pride and determination that she can make it on her own keep her from reaching out to Willow - she's sure she can make it on her own, and that's the Tara she wants Willow to have, the independent one who wouldn't be a 'burden', the way she sees it. But she's not there yet, so she keeps her distance from Willow. And Willow's had this sudden revelation about her feelings, but can't see why Tara's keeping back, so she's in turmoil... sigh. I need to go read the Kitten Race again to cheer up.

You're great at writing this. It really hurts - so I'm betting it'll really feel like healing when the girls finally reach out to each other. Though I imagine that'll take a fair amount of determination, foot-stamping insistence and stubbornness from either or both of them. I'm looking forward to it, even though I'm in no doubt that it'll be a while yet, and there's still further to go down before things turn up.

(Edited because I can spell 'relevation', I really can...)

[eirnlove]

pleeeeease keep it coming fast

[Irishlassie101]

WOW.......
I know this sounds cheesy but that was my first reaction...
This surely is one of the most intense story´s I read so far on the board !
Your writing pulls the reader right into the middle of the emotional turmoil of W/T, one can literally feel their emotions.
(and I could smell the fresh bread...)
Please keep on, I´ll be a faithful reader !!!!!!


Aishling

[Graceland]

Arggghhhh! Angst level is so high. I can't believe how beautiful that kiss was but then... I wish they would talk and sort everything out.

Update soon?

[irishgrl3]

Wow, that was so painful. Memories... oh, where was I?

Some how I thought the reactions would be reversed that Tara would be the one visibly hurt and Willow the one running for the border. Jeez, those girls just need to sit down and talk before one of them does something stupid like really running away.

-anna

[WillowTaraGaiden]

Soooo...sooo....I was just kind of wondering if maybe, just maybe you might feel up to giving us a tiny update..? Because I'm really missing them... I'm on my knees for an update! I'll work for it even! Just please? I bow to you and this fanfic! Thank you for your time almighty Watson.

[watty]

I last updated a month ago (sorry for the wait), but because of my schedule and an increasing number of writing projects I'm working on, I can promise around once a month at most. Sorry I can't update faster, I did say this one will be slow. Replies first.

~~~~~

Emms, Car, Irene, Tonto - I was being a smartass, but thanks for prompting me and making me post those 3 paragraphs .

~~~~~

mary - yes I'm a big tease, but y'all love me for that, don't you? wait! don't go .....!

you've been pushing that boulder of ansgst up a mountain, and you've tipped it over, haven't you?

Almost tipped over, but not yet. Plus, there'll be other mountains. I am very bad. Awww, physically painful to read? Sorry to hear that, I guess it's supposed to be a compliment about the angst? Still, don't want to cause physical pain ... And yes, very very very long wait, probably even longer than peace-in-the-Middle-East, probably humankind-colonizes-Mars kind of long.

~~~~~

Jeanne - no worries about talking to the characters, I do that too and if Tara's thinking and behaviour makes you want to sit her down and speak to her, then I would have done my job. Not that she's wrong, per se, she's trying to be as mature as she can, but she's so damned confused!

that's not Tara's decision to make, that's something that they really need to talk about & decide together

Yes, and yes. But Tara doesn't see that. She knows what she wants, but she's too scared to talk to Willow about what Willow wants. And no, Willow won't resort to violence, not in this fic, but sometimes you just want to hit out at somebody, something ... and that's what I was driving at.

*sigh* I need a hug

awww sowwy sweetie no hug smilie here, but here's

~~~~~

Emms (for the whole chapter) - yeah just repeat angst is good, angst is what you need, angst is what you want, and angst ... is what you'll get

I'm glad you weren't angry with Willow's "girlfriendy" behavior when Tara crawled back home in the middle of the night. Tara did promise they'd talk, and then running off? Willow is right to feel irritated, but then she's probably more annoyed than if they were just ordinary friends and she wasn't feeling all those rumbly in tummy feelings inside.

Tara's reason for acting the say she has, also glad you understand. They're both young, it is a difficult decision to make, to come out, and Tara's that it'll make her already difficult life even more difficult, it's completely valid.

With everything going on in my writing life (not to mention RL), I will promise to try updating every month. I wish I have more time, but I generally don't write very fast and I'd put Lamplight aside to write Kitten Race, now there are a couple of other projects on the horizon that have slightly higher priority. So when it's slow updates right now, until I can focus on it full time. Hope that's ok.

~~~~~

terra - yeah, I 'ruined' your vacation. Yeah, I put in a complete angstapalooza update. But c'mon, if the chapter was like "they kissed again, and had many many smoochies, and (in Emms' words) life is great trallallallallaa, the end" you'd never speak to me again.

'm kinda peeved at Tara for the whole avoidy thing. I can understand confusion but come on it's Willow, precious adorable Willow.

I know how precious and adorable Willow is, you know that, everyone knows that. But, well, Tara hasn't clued into that. Yet. Even if/when she does, can she act on it? not telling.

~~~~~

Cam -

so you think YOU'RE Elvis now, do ya?

Heehee, well not the Elvis, but may be a small Elvis? Elvis impersonator? Or just someone with a shiny suit?

Oh I hear ya about

avoidy, uncommunicative Tara and snippy, resentful Willow

which, btw, you summarized way better than I would have. They have a long long long way to go before things better. So, hold onto your chair and order tissues in bulk, ok? I'll be mindful that you're fragile, but you know, sometimes a writer's gotta do what a writer's gotta do. I'm not normally emotionally manipulative, but this one is bringing that trait out in me big time.

~~~~~

Irene -

Angst hurricane "Lamplight" was last seen approaching the shores of DCP.

And nothing, I say nothing, will stop it!

It seems that Watson has it in for you on this one ...

and

please don't do this to us

Well fajita, it seems that I may have it in for both of them. I do promise that eventually it will be all fine and dandy, but it's a long long way to go yet, there are too many issues out that that need to be resolved. They have a long way to go before they realize what they feel and want. Hang on!!!

Simple life pleasures, like beach outings with my kids,DCP, and amazing new friends

my friend, I was so moved by this. I agree with you, life's simplest pleasures are the purest pleasures, and I'm honored to have so many new and wonderful friends who share my vision and interest. Here's to you.

~~~~~

Cyd -

This Mistress of Angst approves and says proceed.

yes mistress, says this pupil, thank you for your approval.

you poured Hydrochloric acid on my exposed beating heart

ouch indeed, I hope that was dilute HCl, not 6M. Cos, conc HCl? not pleasant. And the smell of it eating into exposed flesh, yikes. Sorry, now you know I'm a geek I can't help with the scientific terms.

~~~~~

Mary -
OH! You've done it again! The twop recaplet is PRICELESS! Um *raises hand*, I have a question. Since you write snark so well, much better than this recapper, and since you live in Brooklyn, and since you know twop so well ... um, well, are you Sars? cos I was, you know, just wondering.

Willow: a closet is a terrible thing to waste.

and

Tara: You get this one for free: go for it.

wow. So true. So to the point. Can I send the girls your way for some insightful wisdom? No, wait, do I want to do that? Cos ... where's my story?

~~~~~

WillowTaraGaiden - Willow could be Tara's anchor, and I agree about that only happening if Tara would let her. Not gonna happen any time soon though, I'm building even more angst.

The stigma of "gay couple" and "rich/poor" is very real in life, it's enough to ruin relationships. In a way I'm glad they are mature enough at that age to realize that, but on the other, yeah I want them to have a happy ending too, but there are some issues I want to address before that.

Like I mentioned to Emms, I have so many projects I'm working on that Lamplight isn't shouting at me to write. Unfortunately, cos I really love writing this story. I will update slowly, and when the other projects are finished, I hope to give it my fully attention. Thanks for reading!

~~~~~

DelWhicker - Willow does want to be Tara's clingy girlfriendy type person, and Tara in her heart wants it too. But it's a long way to go before I get them together. Be prepared for the angst!

~~~~~

cooper -

My Souls Hurts

Awwww, sowwy. But you turn around and you say you love the heartwrenching aspect, so I feel redeemed. Phew. Thanks so much for reading, as always.

~~~~~

Chris -

they're just... being people, and trying to cope as best they can

Thanks for that. They're not horrible, they're just two young people trying to understand their feelings and not wanting to do something they so desperately want to do but feel they can't.

I'm betting it'll really feel like healing when the girls finally reach out to each other

I think finally is accurate. It will be a long way and hopefully I can redeem them. Needless to say I haven't written it yet, I have too much angst planned for them, still.

~~~~~

eirnlove - thanks! It won't be fast, I'm afraid. I'll try to keep it regular though.

~~~~~

Irishlassie101 - thank you for the flowers, very sweet! I hope you can feel the intensity and the heartbreak. They are young, in a difficult place and it's hard to get out. I'm so glad people like the fresh bread, it's one of my favorite smells and it always reminds me of warmth, this is a little warmth in the angst, I hope.

~~~~~

Grace - angst level is right up there my friend! Will they talk? Sort things out? I hope so. But I'm still kinda evil so the talk may not take place any time soon ... heehee.

~~~~~

anna - Tara was also hurt, but because of her family circumstances she's had to stay and face many bad situations. They do need to talk, but understanding? They need to understand what they themselves feel first.

~~~~~

[watty]

Title: Lamplight
Author: watson (hiddenwatson@yahoo.com)
Distribution: Please let me know me first
Rating: R
Disclaimer: BtVS characters, concepts and dialog belong to Mutant Enemy, Fox, The WB, UPN and others.
Summary: Contemporary AU. Where demons wear human faces. Two lives drifted apart, can they find their missing half?
Notes: Updates will be slow, but I wanted to post to see what the responses are like. Not going to use blackmail, don't have the seniority to do that, but it'll be nice to see the number in the "Replies" column steadily increasing.
Notes 2: This will be long and angsty. There may be some surprises along the way as well as changes in settings. Did I mention angsty? Cos, it's real, the angst.

Part 6

Almost a week passed before they finally sat down for The Talk. A painful, angst-filled week that dragged on, exasperated by Ira's brief return into town and his well-meaning but ill-timed attempt to socialize with his daughter and his "temporary" daughter, as he insisted on calling Tara.

He took the girls out to a noisy Mexican restaurant and they talked about school, careers and his lesson learnt on investing money. He appeared not to notice the tension between Willow and Tara, who were monosyllabic and barely present. Willow wondered if he really was that ignorant or that he was extremely sensitive. She doubted it was the latter though.

They had an uncomfortable dinner and Ira flew out the next morning for another meeting. They returned to studiously avoiding each other at home, both opting to hide and eat in their rooms. After lunch as Tara walked past Willow's room she paused. After a short internal debate she took a deep breath and knocked timidly at the door. Though they hardly ever locked their bedroom doors, she stayed outside in the hallway till Willow finally opened the door a crack.

Tara stood immobile, not quite able to look at Willow. "Are you free?" she asked hesitantly.

"Depends," Willow replied bluntly.

"I-, are you free to talk?" Tara asked, pained at Willow's cool response.

"Okay. Now you want to talk," Willow continued caustically. "Well, may be I'm not, I'm in the middle of something." She made motions to step back into her room.

"Will, I know you're mad, please hear me out, please," Tara pleaded.

Willow looked away for a moment, then her posture softened and she released the breath she was holding. "Let's go downstairs."

With that, she closed her door and headed downstairs. Tara followed meekly, feeling her brief flash of courage fast disappearing.

Once downstairs they sat stiffly on opposite sides of the dining table, Willow quietly waiting for the inevitable and Tara trying to find the right words.

Her eyes focused at an invisible spot on the table, she swallowed. "I don't really know how to start."

"Am I that repulsive?" Willow's question came before she could articulate her thoughts.

"Of course not!" Tara's response was louder than she intended, but no less impassioned.

"Then why do I feel like there's something so wrong with me that my best friend doesn't want to talk to me or to be in the same room?" Willow demanded.

"Oh, no, no, no, Willow, that's not it, I'm sorry. I never meant to make you feel worthless," Tara stumbled through her apology. If it were possible, she shrank even more into her seat.

"I know that, Tara, but it hurts so much. I never realized how much it could hurt. There's a big empty space, I want to tell you everything I feel and see but you're not around. You're physically at the house but you're not with me. And it hurts like hell," Willow sobbed.

"I'm so afraid I'm going to hurt you again," Tara said, her voice hardly audible.

Willow looked up through her teary eyes. No, please don't let it be that.

"You're breaking up with me, right? Well, not break up, break up, cos we're not together. But you know what I mean," she said bitterly.

Tara said nothing at first, a bit taken aback at Willow's outburst. "Willow, listen to me. This is not the right time for us to be together, you're starting college and I'm still looking for a job. There's too much going on that needs our full attention, it's just ..." she trailed off.

Willow raised her hand in protestation. "But we're stronger together, we've always known that, we can get through anything."

Tara shook her head. "I don't think it works that way, it's not like doing homework or researching for a science project." She took a resolving breath and looked directly at Willow. "I can't, not now, I'm not ready. All I can offer you is my friendship, the same friendship we've shared since my first day at Sunnydale High. I'm sorry I've been distant lately, I promise I'll make it up to you, if you still want, you know, want to be friends?"

"I never thought we'd stop being friends," Willow said pointedly.

"I'm sorry, I don't know how many sorries I have to say to you but it's a lot. Are you mad?" Tara asked softly.

"I don't know what I'm feeling right now. I was hoping for something, I don't know what," Willow sighed. "But if friends is what you want, I'll deal." She shrugged and her lips pursed together in a rather resigned manner.

"I don't want to be the bad guy here, but I can't give you more. I wish I could but I don't want to pretend and promise something I can't deliver and then I'll just disappoint you," Tara silently pleaded that her friend (could she still call Willow her friend?) to understand, tears were flowing freely down her cheeks now and she wiped them away on her sleeve.

Willow stiffened a little. "I said I'll deal, Tara, and I will. We'll be friends, like we've always been. But can we not start till the morning? Can you allow me just this one night, to lock myself up and cry for what we could have had, and now it's gone forever? In the morning, we'll go back to normal, okay? Okay?" she begged.

Tara was openly sobbing now, but it was her fault, so she was in no position to offer comfort to the upset redhead. She could only watch forlornly as her lost love pulled her chair back with force and disappeared upstairs into her room. Her own turbulent emotions were barely under control.

*****

Tara found a job as a clerk at a law firm, a small local outfit that boasted the Mayor of Sunnydale as its clients, amongst others. It also claimed affiliation with a larger firm with branches in LA, New York, Cleveland, Atlanta and Boston.

"Mostly it's photocopying, hole punching and making up files for the attorneys, mind-numbing menial tasks like that, it's really bottom of the pile crap, but it's a start. It all faded into insignificance of course, as soon as I held my first paycheck in my hands," Tara smiled.

It was Saturday morning, they were meeting for brunch, part of the 'we'll always be friends' effort. Somehow spending time with Willow wasn't as easy or as spontaneous as before, naturally Tara knew what the elephant in the room was, but there wasn't a lot she could do, apart from trying to behave like nothing had happened at the Prom.

"At least the people are treating you fine," Willow said.

"Yeah, but I already have advice on who to avoid, who's a bitch and who has grabby hands and roaming eyes," Tara added.

"Really, that's nice," Willow answered distractedly.

Tara frowned. Before, comments like that would evoke a vehement tirade from the redhead about people who didn't have integrity, and who treated women as objects of desire. At least it would have earned a babble about how Tara had to be careful and wear clothing with high collars to stay away from prying eyes. She signed inwardly as she realized how much she missed the impassioned side of Willow.

They returned to their food, eating silently, all conversational threads seemed to have vanished.

A few paychecks later, Tara told Willow she had found an apartment. A small studio, more like a broom closet, going for a song because the owner's husband had just been sent to jail and they were desperate for income. Tara used her law firm connections to make sure she was not disadvantaged by the deal.

Willow dutifully helped her move, though she said very little during the drive and made an excuse to go home after only a cursory tour round the premises.

Tara slumped down on the hard wooden floor, in the midst of her disarray of boxes, feeling the walls close in, and cried the tears of the lonely.

After she moved out, she hardly saw Willow. There was a big case that involved more paperwork than she had ever seen and it was her job to make sure the files were updated everyday. She also had a little apartment to outfit and it was all she did weekends. She invited Willow on homeware shopping trips, but more often than not, the redhead declined.

She heard from Buffy that Willow had increased her courseload and was enrolled in 3 majors already. The most they did seemed to be exchanging emails and occasional SMS's, but that was it.

After about 4 months, she finally got a little break at work and was relieved to get out of the photocopying room. She also began to catch the eye of certain higher echelons at the law firm, as well as certain clients.

She knew she had to pull off something special to advance in the ugly, cut-throat path of real life.

*****

[Emms]

First let me just start off by saying I was so happy to see an update was posted. I know you have a lot of things going on right now, but I'm glad you could make time for this fic...cause I love it so much.

When Tara came up to Willow's room, I was feeling so irritated....but then she asked Willow to talk, and I thought yay, maybe the "trallallallallaaala" part is finally going to happen, and Tara is going to tell Willow how much she really does want to be with her....But no. that's not even close to what happend.....Instead we got the "Too much thinky" Tara paired with the "Tight of lip/furrow of brow" Willow....it's hard to get anywhere romantic with that combination paired together..... And Tara with her, "We cant be together, but I want us to be friends" frame of mind...sheesh (Am I ever going to survive until the end of this fic, without some sort of heart condition developing?)

A lot happend during this update. (I'll just point out the major moments ((as if you don't already know them)) ) 1. Tara and Willow talk and decide to be friends 2. Tara gets a job 3. Tara moves out. 4. we last see them together as friends (but lacking passion) And...as I see it, the next and only logical step is 5. the kisses and gay love

Okay.....so I don't make a very good argument...But, i want what I want when I want it (and I think that shines through in my feedback ) SO....in conclusion...I demand kisses and gay love.

Ps....*whispers* Watson...kisses and gay love. Okay? next time...shhh. don't tell anyone...remember, kisses and gay love.




xoxo
Emms

[hermitfish]

Hi-ya hun. First off...

ouch indeed, I hope that was dilute HCl, not 6M. Cos, conc HCl? not pleasant. And the smell of it eating into exposed flesh, yikes. Sorry, now you know I'm a geek I can't help with the scientific terms.

You’re talking to an ex-environmental chemist...all science geek accessories included. Ever seen concentrated HCl burn through a safety glove and graze a pinkie? Not pleasant indeed. So, now I know you understand the severity of your updates on me.

Wow...the talk was a long time coming, and certainly something that was needed, but did so little to repair anything. Then the continued avoidance and the beginnings of a ‘moving on’. It’s just tragic...but so beautifully written.

This...

She also began to catch the eye of certain higher echelons at the law firm, as well as certain clients.

She knew she had to pull off something special to advance in the ugly, cut-throat path of real life.

Boy, if that doesn’t sound ominous.

Thanks watson...I so love this fic.

~Cyd

[watty]

I have to

ex-environmental chemist

PhD Physical Organic Chemistry <--- me

Most of my clothes from that era had gaping holes or faded spots. Used to have hands so steady that I could pour conc H[sub]2[/sub]SO[sub]4[/sub] from one bottle to another without gloves (kids reading ... DON'T imitate, highly dangerous). Constantly had deuterated chloroform all over my fingers, which I'm sure is extremely carcinogenic. But how can you handle an NMR tube with gloves.

Sigh. Haven't been a chemist for over 10 years. Good times. HR sucks.

Just want to say that, and share the geek love, Cyd. Proper replies to Part 6 feedback when I do them.

[kindagay]

Update!

Okay, normally I would yay! & bounce an update, & don't get me wrong, I am happy that you updated, but I don't really feel bouncy & yay-y, I feel like my tummy's been tied in knots.

So much tension between our girls, it's just so painful to read. That whole 'we can just be friends' conversation almost broke my heart, and then we had this comment...

"I said I'll deal, Tara, and I will. We'll be friends, like we've always been. But can we not start till the morning? Can you allow me just this one night, to lock myself up and cry for what we could have had, and now it's gone forever? In the morning, we'll go back to normal, okay? Okay?"

...which finished the job & broke my heart completely.

& the practically forced 'friendship' that we saw at the end of the update was responsible for tying my poor tummy in knots, especially when Tara moved out & we had this heart wrenching image...

Tara slumped down on the hard wooden floor, in the midst of her disarray of boxes, feeling the walls close in, and cried the tears of the lonely.

Okay, I kinda sound like I'm complaining, I'm not complaining, it was a really good update, even with the angst it's so very beautifully & wonderfully written & I loved it lots.

Hugs
Jeanne

[onlykaren]

Hey,
Great update. This story is very angsty, but I like it anyway. There'll be happy moments coming soon, right? If not, that's okay. It's still very well written and I love reading it...actually, I love every story you've ever posted here. You're a great writer Looking forward to more.

[vix84]

Sigh. I've been wanting to read this for so long and finally that day has arrived. I love this fic, watson.

I think this paragraph stood out for me the most.

She cried for hurting Willow, for she knew her action and words hurt her beloved redhead so much. (And she was her beloved, she had finally acknowledged, but only to herself.) She cried at the discovery that the feelings she had harbored within herself were actually reciprocated, but she was determined not to let them come to fruition.

Also, at the end of the latest update when she cries the tears of the lonely in her new apartment, my heart just broke for her. There is nothing worse than self-imposed loneliness. Tara knows she is the only one to blame for ruining the friendship and giving up something wonderful before she even had it.

I can't wait for you to update this.

[Firecat89]

Kisses and gay love, kisses and gay love...

Bellpeppers and beef, bellpeppers and beef...

[WillowRulez]

I can barely swallow, that tight this story made my throat.
i hope everything's gonna be fine. soonish.

[Artemis]

Jeez, go stomp on our hearts some more, why don't you?

Really strong writing throughout - angsty as all hell. It's like, Willow's right, they're stronger together, but she doesn't realise how right she is, and she's hurt and doesn't understand why Tara's hurt her. Tara meanwhile knows she's hurt Willow, but believes that she'd only do so more if she stayed. And the hell of it is Willow being heartsick only seems to confirm what she thinks, that she's not ready to give Willow what she believes she needs.

It's all the makings of a great tragedy - nothing is set in stone, it's Willow and Tara who are, despite good intentions, so confused and lost that they're making the tragedy happen themselves. Except this is going to break the classic tragic mould, and end with kisses and gay love, right? Right?!?

[irishgrl3]

Yay, an update!
I totally get what Tara is saying about the timing but it still doesn't seem right ya know? I so feel for what Willow is going through and hopefully it won't push them too far apart in the meantime. Way to go Tara though, starting to make her way on her own.
-anna

[FineyMcFine]

Okay watson, I nominate you to lead the workshop called "Make It Hurt" because you're so good at it! Sometimes love don't feel like it should, you make it hurt so good.

My partner and I read this in the car last Thursday on our road trip, the whole thing, out loud as in an audiobook except that it was not on tape. I had a very strong emotional reaction to the story and the way that Tara told Willow that she couldn't have a relationship with her right now. It reminded me of something that happened to me back when I was 19 with another girl. Very sad.

I really get it, though, why Tara felt like she couldn't have a relationship with Willow at that point in her life. I think she was feeling some pretty severe lack of self-esteem and hadn't had much, if any, love in her life at all. She probably felt like she couldn't enter into the relationship as an equal since Willow had money and what appeared to be a stable family. (Nevermind that Willow doesn't get love from her parents, I guess...)

Anyway, I guess instead of feeling like she'd be able to be buoyed up by their love, Tara felt that she needed to establish herself independently first. That's my interpretation anyway. SIGH. Although how an 18-year-old could ignore her raging hormones and a beautiful girl who wants to snog her is beyond me.

Make it hurt some more, watson!

[ringwaldoeuvre]

Lamplight recaplet, a la TWoP...

Lawdy. So Tara? I'm trying really hard not to think of you as Melanie Griffith in "Working Girl" and all I'm coming up with is Dolly Parton in "9 to 5." Neither is especially flattering, except for, ya know, the boobs. I am consoling myself by remembering that Melanie got her dreamboat and Dolly's man got a reality check, and they both lived happily ever after working 9 to 5. What a way to make a living.

Now... let's review that not only did I just invoke country-western into this here recaplet, but Tara is a doofus ("Girl, that's it. The next one better fill my Cher quota, or we are going to have a talk." - Omar G). Willow's all cute and adorable and vulnerable, in that bratty kind of way, but the point is that she's cute and adorable.

Meanwhile, Willow's all dejected and I'm reaching for the six-pack. It's going to be a long ride, and I'm getting thirsty.

[terra21]

NOBODY can hurt you like your best friend when your in your teenage years. That is if you've ever had a crush on your best friend and they knew about it. Prolly cause you don't understand the love that you're feeling for them and they don't understand it, it's all confusing and well, emotionally wrenching.

The whole "break up" thing. Gosh that brought back memories. Ouch!

You've captured the hurt in WIllow from the lack of reciprocity from Tara very well Watty. I just want Tara to get a clue and realize that she's in love with Willow too.

[Safuega]

This last update was so sad! A lump formed in my throat when I read this paragraph:

Willow stiffened a little. "I said I'll deal, Tara, and I will. We'll be friends, like we've always been. But can we not start till the morning? Can you allow me just this one night, to lock myself up and cry for what we could have had, and now it's gone forever? In the morning, we'll go back to normal, okay? Okay?" she begged.

Oh man, talk about the pain of unrequited love. On the one hand, I feel really sorry for Willow whose heart is broken by the rejection. On the other hand, I totally understand Tara's reasons for not pursuing Willow because Tara's position in the world is more precarious than Willow's and Tara has to think about surviving even if that means giving Willow up.

Sorry for not feedbacking before, real life had me in its evil clutches. I'm happy to be back to read stories like yours. I'm looking forward to more pain and I trust you to stay the course.

Thanks for sharing.

Safuega

[LesbianJedi87]

"blinks" Its 2 am. And yes, Ive spent the good part of a while reading this. Like you told me to! See, Im a good kitten, I do what Im told!
I really love this, although "The Talk" Willow and Tara broke my heart because I, recently had a talk much like that one...broke my heart indeed! Damn the angst! But it will get better, right? It has to get better! You're doing a great job with this, update sooon!

[Auburn]

I love this, I really really do. With the... and the... *sigh*

There's nothing like a bit of angst to capture my attention, but you write it so well so I'm doubly hooked. Don't say Tara's going to go on a date with an arse from work though, then Willow see's and it's all...with the.... because that's just...

The phrase 'lovin' your work' keeps coming into my head so I'm giving in to my inner geek and saying it.

Watson, I'm lovin' your work.

Waiting with much patience, Gemma

[Graceland]

Sorry for the delayed feedback. I noticed you're updating at around monthly intervals, there is so much angst that I'm almost afraid to read, I don't know how I can "survive" until the next update. Hey! I don't mean to sound bitter or anything, I know that you have many projects you're working on and I totally understand.

What Tara says about being friends, and not taking their attraction (do they even know about the attraction? I think they have an idea) further, it rings so true. Perhaps she should give Willow and herself a chance? But at that age, after everything she has been through all her life, it's understandable.

Willow's hurt is so palpable. On one level she understands Tara's reluctance, but at her age she really can't understand why, cos teenagers aren't afraid of a lot.

[watty]

I’m trying to keep Lamplight on a monthly schedule, I’m trying, I really am. I know this fic deserves more attention than I am giving it now, cos I feel it has the makings of a novel-length study in angst, but there’s only one of me (despite my protestations about 648 personalities) and only so many hours a day.

Long overdue replies. Then update within the next sevendays, okay?

~~~~~

Emmy

Thanks for the thoughts, sweetie. And thanks for loving this fic. I think it’ll turn out to be an epic.

Love your logical progression:

1. Tara and Willow talk and decide to be friends 2. Tara gets a job 3. Tara moves out. 4. we last see them together as friends (but lacking passion) And...as I see it, the next and only logical step is 5. the kisses and gay love.

They talk, decide to try to be friends and then ... kisses and gay love no wonder you’re queen of fics, your imagination and lateral thinking is super.

Also love your description of our teen almost-loves:

"Too much thinky" Tara paired with the "Tight of lip/furrow of brow" Willow....it's hard to get anywhere romantic with that combination paired together.

You know there’s a long long way to go till kisses and gay love, don’t you? But there will be, kisses and gay love, eventually. That I can promise.

Am I ever going to survive until the end of this fic, without some sort of heart condition developing?

Perhaps a 3 mile jog everyday, to strengthen your aerobic and anaerobic heart-rate (not sure if that makes sense), I hear it’s good exercise for your heart and prevents heart conditions.

~~~~~

Cyd

The talk was a long time coming, and much needed. But was the talk helpful? It brought issues out to the open, and both Willow and Tara, especially Tara, laid down on the table what they want.

It’s just tragic...but so beautifully written.

thank you my Mistress.

She also began to catch the eye of certain higher echelons at the law firm, as well as certain clients.
She knew she had to pull off something special to advance in the ugly, cut-throat path of real life.

Boy, if that doesn’t sound ominous.

Perhaps it’s foreshadowing. Perhaps it’s just Tara facing the harsh reality of life. Heehee. Good catch.

~~~~~

Jeanne

Thanks for the not yay and bounce, but really are yay’s and bounce’s – do you get what I mean? Sorry that it’s actually painful to read, heck no, not sorry , I tried to write as much pain as possible, cos this is a painful subject. They think they know what’s best, and they’re both trying to make the best of the situation, like you said

the practically forced 'friendship'

was forced, and they’d have a hard time maintaining that status quo.

But I am sorry for your poor broken heart :( wish I can say things will get better ... they will, but we have a long way to go and lots of angst before we get to that point. Bear with me, okay? I’ll get them there.

~~~~~

onlykaren

Thanks. Yes the story is full of angst. It’s angst central, I learnt from the great masters and mistresses.

There'll be happy moments coming soon, right?

Happy moments coming, yes. But soon? not yet.

~~~~~

Roz

Thanks. I guess this is a five hanky fic, isn’t it? I wish I could say it was hard to write ... honestly, the pain and angst came quite unbidden.

There is nothing worse than self-imposed loneliness. Tara knows she is the only one to blame for ruining the friendship and giving up something wonderful before she even had it.

You’re so right. But in Tara’s defense, I think she was acting in the way that she thought was best for both of them. Or at least herself, since she doesn’t have the confidence that she’d be able to handle a relationship at this point. She know she hurt Willow, oh but she knows it all too well, I feel that she has backed herself into a corner and doesn’t know how to get out or who to ask for help. :(

~~~~~

firecat89

Like I said to Emmy, you’ll get kisses and gay love, eventually.

~~~~~

WillowRulez

Aw sweetie, please swallow, tightness in throat is not recommended, cos you’ll need to eat and breathe.

i hope everything's gonna be fine. soonish.

Everything will be fine, eventually. I don’t guarantee timing though.

~~~~~

Chris

You have summed this up so well:

It's all the makings of a great tragedy - nothing is set in stone.

There is no right or wrong, it’s all circumstantial, and they acted in the way they thought was best. Ultimately we know that they should have done the opposite, ie come together and be the stronger unit, but we can’t fault them, not really. Tara knows full well how badly she hurt Willow, but she can’t do what her heart, and Willow’s, tell her to do. Willow on the other hand, is so heartbroken she can’t even keep the friendship up.

I’m sensing a theme here

this is going to break the classic tragic mould, and end with kisses and gay love, right?

And you’ll see a theme with my answer: kisses and gay love, yes, eventually, but no guarantee it’ll be any time soon.

~~~~~

anna

I think you’ve hit on how Willow and Tara are going through. Timing isn’t right, not now, but will what happened push them far apart? read on!

~~~~~

Irene

It’s wonderful to see such detailed fb from you, as always.

Sadness does prevail in this update, and I can’t guarantee that things will turn out better soon. Eventually, but not soon. I’m going to wring every drop of blood out before the good times.

Even though the situation is quite bad, with the not talking and then the talk that made them even sadder, I’m glad you’re able to feel for them. You’re right, Willow wanted a relationship with Tara, only at her age what did “serious” entail? Had she even acknowledged she was gay, or was she just acting on an attraction to Tara? I have no doubt that if asked, she would declare undying love for Tara and want to spend the rest of her life with Tara, but I also doubt she had thought about it in any detail.

Tara, on the other hand, was thinking too much. She could not be faulted for staying away from the relationship, however much she wanted it.

What I’ve tried to do was to show that there was never any right or wrong in this situation. Both could be blamed, for skirting the issue and perhaps even over-reacting (witness Willow’s “clingy girlfriendy” reaction when Tara came home late). On the other hand, there is no blame, it’s no-one’s fault. It’s circumstances. It’s timing. It’s the way their minds worked, and the conclusions they came to.

Regarding Tara’s job. She had to find a job, there was never any possibility in her mind that she could go to college at this stage. The need for financial independence was simply too great, I hope I was able to show that.

Why is she being so hard on herself? Why does she feel that she can't be happy?

Thing is, the need for financial independence overshadowed other needs, she knew she hurt Willow, only she was too young, too many things against her, she simply didn’t know how to deal. Will she learn? What next? Read on, my friend! Warning though … the angst hasn’t stopped.

~~~~~

Sally

Sometimes love don't feel like it should, you make it hurt so good.

Yes, and the people you love the most have the ability to hurt you most.

Wow, strong emotional reaction. I’m, I’m … I don’t know what to say, it’s a great compliment, thank you! Sorry that it made you sad, even though there’s this little pride devil whispering in one ear, “be proud that you made someone sad by your writing.” You get what I mean?

I really get it, though

Strangely enough I’m not writing from personal experience, though I’m hearing that it resonates with a few people, in that it was a reflection of their experience. I never had a teenage love, never had a crush on my best friend, but I did go through a complicated relationship where we didn’t know (still don’t, in a way, even after 13 years) where we stand.

Like Chris said, this is a tragedy in the making. Neither is at fault. The reasons that Tara gave about not able to have the relationship with Willow are valid, at least I hope so, cos of her experience so far in her life. She doesn’t trust that she can give as much as Willow deserves. And I agree with

She probably felt like she couldn't enter into the relationship as an equal since Willow had money and what appeared to be a stable family.

Even though she probably knows by now about how Willow’s stable family environment means absent parents, there is a difference between hers and W’s circumstances and yes, that’s one of the reasons she said what she said. How she really feels, that’s another matter.

how an 18-year-old could ignore her raging hormones and a beautiful girl who wants to snog her is beyond me.

she’s a sensible and sensitive 18 year old, with too much on her shoulders, that’s probably why.

Make it hurt some more, watson!

At last! A reader after my own heart! And yes, I will do as instructed.


~~~~~

Mary Queen of Snark

Yet again snarkage that rocks off the scale of all snarkage, when I turn on the pain even more, are we getting super snarkage? With CHER? Can’t wait. Tara as “Working Girl” Yeah, she’s putting work and financial independence before everything else. Sigh, money can’t buy happiness, Tara.

Meanwhile, Willow's all dejected and I'm reaching for the six-pack. It's going to be a long ride, and I'm getting thirsty.

Oh man, I’m not sure a six-pack is enough, may be I should send you over a whole case. Or some of that moonshine I have hidden in my basement.

Thanks for this, it’s always a privilege to be snarked on, I mean, I’m a glutton for punishment, yes yes.

~~~~~

terra

NOBODY can hurt you like your best friend when your in your teenage years. That is if you've ever had a crush on your best friend and they knew about it. Prolly cause you don't understand the love that you're feeling for them and they don't understand it, it's all confusing and well, emotionally wrenching.

Plus when the crush is more than a crush, it hurts so much more. Why do I get the feeling that you’re talking about your own life, huh?

I just want Tara to get a clue and realize that she's in love with Willow too.

See, here’s the thing. I think Tara knows she’s in love with Willow too, but she’s just too blinded by hurt and the need to feel nothing that she’s denying that love inside herself, and it’s tearing her apart.

Thanks for your fb, buddy, and following this story. Means a lot to me.


~~~~~

safuega

Hey! No worries about fb, it’s lovely to hear from you. Sorry to hear about the evil clutches of RL, I hope you can escape them soon.

You described it so well,

the pain of unrequited love

the pain is increased because no one was at fault, and both have good reasons for acting and feeling the way they do.

I'm looking forward to more pain and I trust you to stay the course.

Will there be more pain? You betcha. Will I stay the course? You have my promise.

~~~~~

Rose

Wow! You read it all? THANK YOU!

Sorry to hear about your poor broken heart. It’s a situation where, you know, neither party is exactly the one to blame, yet they hurt each other so much.

it will get better, right? It has to get better!

Yes it will get better, eventually, but there’s a way to go yet. Hang on for the ride!

~~~~~

Gemma

First, cool new avatar!

Second, I got Gemma to sigh! Sigh.

Don't say Tara's going to go on a date with an arse from work though, then Willow see's and it's all...with the....

oh, well, ahem. gosh … no comment.

Thanks sweetie for your very kind words!

~~~~~

grace

I noticed you're updating at around monthly intervals

Wow, you … with the notice-y astuteness. Yeah, monthly sounds about right, though Part 6 was posted 20th July and I’m late already.

I don't know how I can "survive" until the next update.

How’s about working on that fic you’re thinking on writing? Or read Car’s fic? Or your other beta’s? Lots of good fics around.

What Tara says about being friends, and not taking their attraction (do they even know about the attraction? I think they have an idea) further, it rings so true.

I think they do, but perhaps not aware of the depth of feeling there, it’s easy to dismiss it as a crush, but they both know it’s more than that. Can they deal? Probably, at that age, no. So yeah, that’s why Tara said what she said. And Willow is hurting so much.

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[watty]

Title: Lamplight
Author: watson (hiddenwatson@yahoo.com)
Distribution: Please let me know me first
Rating: R
Disclaimer: BtVS characters, concepts and dialog belong to Mutant Enemy, Fox, The WB, UPN and others.
Summary: Contemporary AU. Where demons wear human faces. Two lives drifted apart, can they find their missing half?
Notes: Updates will be slow, but I wanted to post to see what the responses are like. Not going to use blackmail, don't have the seniority to do that, but it'll be nice to see the number in the "Replies" column steadily increasing.
Notes 2: This will be long and angsty. There may be some surprises along the way as well as changes in settings. Did I mention angsty? Cos, it's real, the angst.



Part 7

Willow woke with a start and a stiff neck. She had fallen asleep at her desk, sprawled over her laptop, again.

She rubbed her eyes, tried to relieve the pain in her shoulders by stretching her arms out, and checked her work had been saved properly.

Noted by the darkness outside that it was still late, or early, depending on how one defined the day.

Another allnighter.

She glanced over at where her roommate should be, and noted the unmade bed. Buffy was at Riley's again. A pang of regret passed through her, at her own missed chances (well, it was just the one), swiftly replaced by rapid self-admonishment. She was happy that her friend had at last gotten over a string of bad relationships — Angel, Scott and Parker, and seemed to have found happiness with the most wholesome farmboy she had ever met.

She took a long drink of water to clear her furry mouth, then continued to work on her program. School work was the only thing that mattered to her nowadays, she had ambitions to finish with 4.0 GPAs in at least 3 majors in less than 4 years. It was achievable, if she didn't get distracted. She would not allow herself to be distracted.

She was still tapping away when Buffy returned just as sunlight started to filter through the drapes, post-coitial glow all to evident by the ear-to-ear grin and jaunty skip.

"Okay, Will, don't tell me you've been like this all night, that's how I left you 12 hours ago and this is how I find you. Did you get any sleep?" a Buffy-sized grilling was underway.

"I nodded off for a while," Willow mumbled sleepily.

"Did you actually get out of your seat or you just ended up face down on your desk?" Buffy pursued.

Willow shrugged non-commitally, watching as Buffy gathered clothing and toiletries for a shower.

Buffy looked at her friend sadly, trying to figure out why she was so miserable, and decided to continue her probing after her shower, when she would physically drag the tired redhead to the cafeteria.

She was finishing off her hash browns with gusto, and noted that Willow hardly touched her plate.

"Hey Wills, me and Riley and a bunch of the guys are Bronzing tonight, Xand and Anya are coming too, wanna join?" she asked.

The answer was not unexpected. "No thanks."

"Unacceptable," Buffy pouted. "If you don't come I'm gonna lock your laptop up and chain you to your bed in a totally non-kinky way until you sleep for at least 18 hours."

Willow looked at her friend in dismay. "You wouldn't," she protested.

"Try me," was the Buffster's reply.

Willow decided that may be a night at the Bronze wouldn't be so bad. "Okay, okay, I'll come."

She hadn't been to the Bronze for a while, actually she hadn't been out at all lately, so it was an odd but familiar feeling as she met the gang inside.

"Wills! At the Bronze! Look out hot guys!" she was enveloped in a giant hug that when she finally managed to untangle herself, turned out to be a Xander-shaped hurricane. He was obviously pretty high.

By the time she found appropriate words, he had already moved onto his next target, Riley's rock hard upper arm muscles. She worried about how intoxicated Xander was becoming but he had just been dragged to the dance floor by Anya. She would have to wait to talk to him.

Buffy came back with drinks and sat with Willow, determined to shake her best friend out from behind the ice wall her best friend had retreated into.

"How's it going, Will?" Buffy began.

"It goes," Willow answered quietly, noting that Buffy had gotten them one of those alcoholic fruit drinks. She remembered the first time she tried these, and who with, and winced.

"You've been kinda distant lately, what's the what?" Buffy pressed as she sipped her drink.

"Nothing's the what. I have a lot of classes and a tankerload of coursework I have to deal with. You know me, usually I'm 2 or 3 weeks ahead, now I'm just-in-time, if I'm lucky," Willow stated.

"I know you're always the overachiever, but this is beyond that. You're unhappy about something, my spidery senses are tingling, but you're not telling me nothin'," Buffy said.

"Really, Buff. I'm okay," Willow replied.

Buffy was skeptical, but she knew her friend wasn't going to talk about whatever it was until she was ready for it.

"So, seen Tara lately?" Buffy decided it was better to have a pleasant conversation without any of the deep stuff. She wasn't prepared to see the color to so quickly drain from Willow's face when she said that.

"No," Willow managed to squeak out.

"Uh huh, guess she's been busy, I tried emailing her, but I only get short replies that border on rudesville," Buffy said.

Willow seemed to have temporarily recovered from her shock. "You email each other?" she asked.

"Trying to keep in touch, like I invited her tonight but she never replied," Buffy sighed. "What? You mean you don't have contact? What happened?"

"We, well, she's busy and I'm busy. No time," Willow explained.

"Listen to yourself, Will. It's Tara, not some umimportant buffoon like Harmony, who frankly I don't care if I never speak to again. But you guys were like this close, it's not as simple as busy schedules is it?" Buffy asked.

Willow looked away in dejection. How could she possible start telling Buffy about her feelings? Did she even want to?

"We had a kind of a falling out," she finally sighed.

Buffy regarded Willow for a moment. "Come on, it's not worth dwelling on things like that, surely you guys can talk and sort the argument out. How bad can it be? Things are never so important that you lose a friendship like yours, I mean, all those years —"

"We kissed."

"— like sisters ... you what?" Buffy interrupted herself.

"She kissed me, I kissed her, I don't remember who started it. At the Prom, it was just one kiss, very brief," Willow recounted.

Buffy's jaw seemed to have hit the floor. "Oh. Oh. Oh," she repeated.

"Are you freaked?" Willow asked slowly.

"May be a little. Wait, no, I'm not, it's just unexpected. But not in a bad way," Buffy backtracked. "Is that why you fought?"

Willow stared at her mostly finished drink, mentally reliving their conversation at her house, and the last few months of mutual avoidance.

"We didn't fight. We tried to talk about it, what happened between us, but it wasn't the best talk we've ever had," she paused. "She told me she just wanted to be friends."

"And you?" Buffy asked.

"I don't know. At the time I wanted more. But I respect her wish, so yeah, I let her go," Willow lamented.

"So instead of throwing yourself at her, you threw yourself into classes," Buffy said.

Willow half-shrugged. "I didn't want to push. And, it was only one tiny, small kiss. I may have put too much significance into it."

"What about Tara, apart from wanting to be friends, what else?" Buffy asked.

"Nothing. She moved out of the house after she got her job and we've exchanged no more than 50 words since then," Willow answered shortly.

"Why?" Buffy wondered.

"Initially, I was hurt, so I stayed away from her, I, I think I was a bit cold to her for a while. Then she stopped returning my calls and emails, or when I do get her she's on the phone or her boss needs her or something," Willow's shoulders slumped at the thought of Tara's rejection.

"Something alright, I'll say. Look," Buffy muttered under her breath.

Willow followed her friend's line of sight and ended at the crowded dance floor.

Or not so crowded, as her tunnel vision focused and blocked out all the light and people.

All except one Tara shape.

In an almost lack of clothing situation, the miniest of skirts and the skimpiest of a halter top that were a very small step from crossing the line into indecency.

What the hell is she wearing? she thought angrily, feeling a sharp pang of jealousy flaring through her.

She watched helplessly as Tara grinded and gyrated against a brunette all decked out in black leather and oozing raw sexuality. It was when the other girl lasciviously brushed her hand up and down Tara's back that she saw red and jumped off her stool.

"Whoa, tiger, where are you going?" Buffy shouted after the whirlwind of red.

Willow didn't reply.

She tapped on the shoulder of Miss Leather Hotstuff. "Mind if I cut in?"

"This ain't the ballroom, Red, shove off," came the rebuff.

Tara cut in, "Faith, it's okay."

The girl gave Willow a dirty look, but nevertheless moved away to another target on the dance floor.

They danced a much more restrained version of what Tara was doing with Faith.

"How are you," Willow asked gently.

"The usual," Tara shrugged.

"I miss you," Willow whispered.

"Been busy," Tara said shortly.

"Too busy for even one phone call?" Willow challenged.

Tara stopped and glared at Willow. "I have so much crap in my life now, I really don't have time for socializing."

"But you have time to do the heavy with your girlfriend there?" Willow retorted.

"She is not my girlfriend, why are you so obsessed about that? She's with a client," Tara snapped.

"Your job description now includes selling yourself and 'entertaining' clients now?" Willow rebuked.

Tara froze and with a dark look at Willow, walked off the dance floor.

Willow realized the severity of her words and pushed through the crowds to follow the blonde.

"I have nothing to say to you," Tara fumed.

"Tara, I'm sorry. I overstepped. I-i-i, I just want to know how you've been, I miss you, and I didn't expect to see you see here and looking like the way you look, it's totally not the you I know so I just want to know if you're doing okay," Willow apologized.

Tara closed her eyes for a long moment and sighed. "Look, Will, I'm not like you, I'm not enjoying the carefree student life. I'm trying to stay out of debt and get ahead in my job, it took me a hell of a lot of growing up to not be photocopier girl anymore. That's life, it's not a bed of roses for me, remember what I've always wanted? To make it big by myself? I'm willing to go to any lengths," she said with a hard edge to her voice.

"But this is not you, flaunting your body ..." Willow shook her head.

"This is what I am becoming, accept it. If you don't like it you can just leave," Tara declared.

"I don't know what to say."

"Then don't."

Willow was going to say more when the Faith girl interrupted. "Hey Red, you done with the little missus yet, cos you're gonna have to let her out to play soon, Faith is gettin' mighty lonely if you know what I mean," she wagged her eyebrows suggestively.

"It's fine Faith, we're all squared. Should I get you another drink?" Tara flashed a toothy, but impassive, smile at Faith, who promptly led her back to the dance floor.

Willow could only look on with despair.

*****

She pushed open the creaky gate and made her way slowly to the main door. Ran her fingers down the list of occupants until she came to the one marked 'T. Maclay' and pressed the buzzer.

And waited an eon for an answer.

Nothing.

She pressed again.

After the encounter at the Bronze Tara had completely disappeared. Did not answer phone calls and her emails bounced back.

Finally Willow could take it no longer and made her way to Tara's apartment. I don't care if we fight, or make up, or what, I need to see her again.

"Are you looking for Tara?" a neighbor's head popped out of the window above.

She strained her eyes against the sunlight. "Yes, do you know if she's in?"

"She moved out," was the reply.

She felt as if a large bucket of ice-cold water had been poured over her head. "Do you know where?"

"Sorry, no."

"When?"

"Last week."

She went to the law firm.

"I'm looking for Tara Maclay, she works here," she said to the receptionist.

"Worked," came the shock.

"What?"

"She left. Went to work at one of our clients'," the bored woman revealed.

"Did she leave a number?" Willow asked desperately.

"Don't think she has one yet, she's probably still trying to get settled."

"Get settled?" Willow echoed stupidly.

"Yeah, that's what you do, when you move to another part of the country."

It took Willow a massive amount of self control not to faint.

*****
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