Fic: "Mourning My Loss" (major re-write) Completed

[Oracle_Of_Magic]

Mourning My Loss
By: Oracle Of Magic

Disclaimer: I don’t own any of the BTVS characters, they are the property of Joss Whedon, and Mutant Enemy productions. No copyright infringement is intended. I am writing this story purely for enjoyment.

Rating: R. for language and adult themes.

Summary: This fic is set after the end of season 6, but before the beginning of season 7. Willow was treated in the US for what she did, and is now back at Buffy’s house trying to deal with the pain of losing Tara.

Spoilers: Up through the end of season 6, and all the previous seasons.

Dedication: I am dedicating this story to my sister Lorin. I know you have been through some tough times, and this story is about overcoming the odds, which you have done. And unconditional love, which is what I have for you, sis. I love and accept you just the way you are, always will. For all those reasons, this story is for you sis.

Note: This entire fic is written in Willow’s POV. I forgot to mention that earlier. I hope this clarifies things some.

Special Thanks: To my husband Bert, for giving my the courage to write this. And to all the other people on “The Kitten The Witch & The Bad Wardrobe”. Special thanks to Mike for the encouragement. And finally, special thanks to David, my dear friend, muse, and beta. Thank you my friend, you are truly a great friend, and writer.

Part 1

I’m in mourning, of course I don’t feel good. It’s only natural, it’s only been two months, two months since she was taken from me. No I can’t start to cry, I have the day to get through, and if I start, I don’t know when I’ll stop. It’s supposed to hurt like this, everyone tells me that, it always hurts when you lose someone you love.

The mental pain is so bad I squeeze my eyes shut and try to send it away. I’ve ended up curled into a ball in the corner, banging my head against the wall. Maybe I can transfer it to physical pain, at least there’s something I can take for that.

She died in my arms, she was standing there, then a gunshot, and a splotch of red appeared on her shirt. She said something, she was so surprised, then she fell. I raced over and tried to help, but it was too late, she died in my arms. Her blood seeping onto my clothes, she looked at me as she took her last breath.

I can see it so clearly, I can feel it, it’s like I’m back there again. I can smell the blood, taste it in my mouth, feel the tears stinging as they start to flow down my cheeks. My stomach lurches. Oh fuck, not now, not again.

I grab my stomach, trying to hold down the contents. I can’t give in, I can’t. The blood, oh god the blood. Her eyes looking up at me in an eternal lifeless stare. The images are too much, I can’t take it.

I race to the bathroom and fall to my knees, my stomach heaving up it’s contents. I can’t take this much longer, my throat is burning, I can’t breathe. Finally I start dry heaving, there’s nothing left.

My body is shaking, I fall back against the tub, trying not to pass out. I lay there half propped up against the tub, one hand on my stomach, the other on my head. My head is swirling in darkness, it’s threatening to consume me. My stomach is aching, not just from being sick, but from something deeper. The loss.

I struggle forward and flush the toilet. I stand up and grip the counter for balance. I need all the balance I can get right now. I start to splash water on my face, and light some incense to cover the evidence of my body betraying me.

I continue splashing water on my face, hoping the cold sting will divert my tattered mind. I look at the mirror, trying to get myself presentable at least. Finally deciding I look okay, I walk out into my room.

I tug off my shirt and pull out a clean one, tossing the old one on an ever growing pile of laundry. Then I notice something out of the corner of my eye. It’s a picture of us at the park, it was taken just a few months before she was taken from me. Back when I was Willow, not this burnt out shell.

The images of the last few days we had together, and the images of her death. The fact her life drained away, in this very room prove too much for me. I start to cry, the sobs wracking my body. I slowly sink to the ground, crying out my very soul. “Tara, why did they take you from me?”

***


tbc

[sam]

Wow..that was amazing . Love sam xx

[Leafsdude]

I love this fic! :smile

You capture the feeling so well. I can really feel Willow's feelings and her tears. You have a true gift at writing stories!

Can't wait to see the rest of it!

[LesbianJedi87]

"finally gets undistracted from chat long enough to read this" Even though I really dont remember the first version (forgive me it's been so long! And my brain is mush it really is!) this was very good work! Alot of strong emotions and very very gripping. I could feel her pain...which is hurtful at best....I cant wait for you to continue! And Im so glad youre back! "massive hugs"

[AlysonGoddess]

poor willow I hope things will get better they will right? Please update soon

ERIN

[Naeryn]

I'm intrigued.

...and I suck at feedback, so that's really all I have to say for the time being. It'll get better as the story goes on, I promise

[Oracle_Of_Magic]

Sam:"Wow..that was amazing heart . Love sam xx"

Thanks a ton for leaving fb on my fic, I will try not to dissapoint.

Leafsdude:" You capture the feeling so well. I can really feel Willow's feelings and her tears. You have a true gift at writing stories!"

Thanks, my dear friend, that means a lot. I was really trying to go for strong, emotion evoking words and phrases. Thanks for letting me know I managed it so far.

LesbianJedi87: ""finally gets undistracted from chat long enough to read this" clap applause Even though I really dont remember the first version (forgive me it's been so long! And my brain is mush it really is!) this was very good work! Alot of strong emotions and very very gripping. I could feel her pain...which is hurtful at best....I cant wait for you to continue! And Im so glad youre back! "massive hugs"

Thanks Rose! You have again confirmed that I am on the right track, or so I hope.

AlysonGoddess:"aww poor willow I hope things will get better they will right? Please update soon "

As promised, here is my update, I hope you like it. Not to worry, I'm a sucker for happy endings.

Naeryn: "I'm intrigued. ...and I suck at feedback, so that's really all I have to say for the time being. It'll get better as the story goes on, I promise"

Intrigued, that is good thing! Thank you very much for leaving fb, it is after all, what sustains the muse.

****************


Mourning My Loss
By: Oracle Of Magic

Disclaimer: I don’t own any of the BTVS characters, they are the property of Joss Whedon, and Mutant Enemy productions. No copyright infringement is intended. I am writing this story purely for enjoyment.

Part 2

This is how my friends find me, in a pile on the floor, a sobbing puddle. I hear the knock on the door and try to ignore it. Maybe they’ll think I’m not here. Whoever it was just kept knocking, it was annoying, I wanted to be left alone in my grief.

“Go away!” I shout. It doesn’t work though, and the door opens. Damn, I forgot to lock it. Buffy steps in and races over to me.

“God Willow, are you ok?” concern shows in her face, and I know she wants to help, but I don’t know how she can. The love of my life was taken from me, I can’t bring her back.

“I’m fine,” I manage to choke out in between sobs. I try to pull myself together, wiping away my tears. It’s clear from the look she gives me that she doesn’t believe me. I should have known, we’ve been friends for over 6 years now, we’ve grown up together. And no matter what, she’s always been there for me.

“Willow, let me help,” she says gently. She holds her arms open and out to me, I can’t take it anymore, I need a shoulder to cry on.

“Please,’ I whisper. I know it’s cryptic, but she understands, she’s my best friend. She walked over and pulls me into a hug. I wrap my arms around her and let her hold me. I need to be held, I just need to be held.

She pulls me close and talks softly, calming words, she’s almost babbling. Hey, that’s my job, but it’s working. I start to sob, letting my tears flow freely, she doesn’t shy away, just holds me. And that is what I need. I need to feel safe and loved.

I don’t know how long we sat there, I lost track of time. It must have been uncomfortable, but she never showed it. Finally I cried myself out. I sighed, and relaxed slightly. “Thanks.”

“Always, you know that,” she answered me. “You look like you need to rest.” I nod my head. She gently helps me up, her arms showing no effort as she does so, must be that slayer strength. “Why don’t you go change into PJ’s and I’ll get your bed ready.”

“K,” I reply. I grab a pair of boxer shorts and a t-shirt. It was one of Tara’s favorite shirts, I wear it to keep her close. God how I miss her. I start to cry, but I can’t. My body just doesn’t have anymore tears left.

I walk into the bathroom and quickly change. I’m all cried out, but the ache in my heart hasn’t lessened, I doubt it ever will. When Tara died, she took half of me with her.

I shuffle out into my room and see that Buffy’s pulled back the covers for me. I give her a weak smile. I walk over and sit on the edge of the bed. I don’t know what to do. She gives me a quick hug. “It’s ok, we’re all here for you,” she says quietly. She hands me a glass of water, which I drink rapidly. I didn’t even realize I was thirsty. But somehow she knew.

Buffy is a really good friend, no, more than that. She’s more like the big sister I never had. She helps me lay down and tucks me in, handing me my favorite stuffed animal to help me sleep. “Just rest, it’ll be ok, we’ll get through this together,” she says. “I can stay here while you sleep if you’d like.”

I ponder that for a minute, I know she has things to do. But it would feel so nice to know she’s there. Then again, I don’t want to trouble her. On the other hand, I need someone to sit with me. I mean I want someone to sit with me. I mean, I’m babbling now. Ok Rosenberg, get control of yourself.

I can see Buffy watching the emotions play across my face. It’s no use trying to mask them, I’m no good at that stuff. I wear my heart on my sleeve. Right now it’s bleeding down my sleeve.

“If you don’t mind, I think I’ll grab a few of my books and study in here. Dawn, Anya and Xander are playing some board game, and they don’t know the meaning of the word quiet,” Buffy mentions softly.

I smile. “Thanks.” I know she’s just doing this to make me feel better. And in truth, it really does. She flips on the cd player to a song she knows helps me sleep. I close my eyes, and try to sleep.

***

tbc....

C'mon Kittens, whatcha think? Seriously, I want to know, good or bad. Should I continue this? It's been some time since I've been on the board, and I have no idea what the fave fics are anymore. I know, my bad, should never have waited this long to sign on. It will not happen again.

Blessed Be,
Sarah

[dragonfly]

Hi there,
Wow, this is very sad. I can feel all the pain. poor Willow.

I hope this gets better. It will, right?

Are you bringing back Tara?, soon?
I didn't read your other story. So, I wonder, is Tara really, really dead? the kind that won't come back? 'cause that's like a forbidden topic on this board.

Anyhow, I think this is a very good story, full of emotions, and feelings.

Death of a loved one is something I don't think anyone will be ever ready to face.

Please do continue this fic, I want to know what will happen, how Willow will get better.

I love your supportive Buffy, in times like this there's nothing better than a real friend who wholeheartedly offers you a shoulder for you to cry on.

Very touching story.
Love,
Clau

[MiStrEsSdOrK]

*salutes* MA'AM YES MA'AM I AM REPLYING! MA'AM YES IT WAS SAD...GREAT TO HAVE YOU BACK! ... but really it's great to have you bk and writing again ...

- thea

[sam]

That was amazing and so frigging sad.. .Love sam xx

[hahler]

ok sarah here is your feedback:

i love how u put the personal points from willows point of view,
i think that jw should have gotten more into that
sorry not much one for a lot of talk.

[Leafsdude]

Very angsty fic so far. I've said it already, but I must point out that you capture all the feelings so very nicely. I also like that, even through all the angst and depression and sadness, you still keep all the character's true nature in them, such as Willow's internal babble and Buffy's unconditional love and friendship for all the Scoobies.

I can see Buffy watching the emotions play across my face. It’s no use trying to mask them, I’m no good at that stuff. I wear my heart on my sleeve. Right now it’s bleeding down my sleeve.

I've said it before, but I must point it out for everyone to see. This is one of the best lines in any fan fic story I've ever read. It starts out cliched, but it gives a great insight into the feelings in the end.

I'll be waiting for your next post!

[Oracle_Of_Magic]

Wow! What a great response to my latest chapter, I hope this new one will be greeted as warmly. I really appricaite the FB, it is what sustains my muse.

Dragonfly:

Hi there,
Wow, this is very sad. I can feel all the pain. poor Willow.

I hope this gets better. It will, right?

Are you bringing back Tara?, soon?
I didn't read your other story. So, I wonder, is Tara really, really dead? the kind that won't come back? 'cause that's like a forbidden topic on this board.

Anyhow, I think this is a very good story, full of emotions, and feelings.

Death of a loved one is something I don't think anyone will be ever ready to face.

Please do continue this fic, I want to know what will happen, how Willow will get better.

I love your supportive Buffy, in times like this there's nothing better than a real friend who wholeheartedly offers you a shoulder for you to cry on.

Very touching story.
Love,
Clau

Thank you so much for your thoughtful, and well thought out feedback. I was trying to strike a sad tone with this fic, but I promise, it will get better. I am very glad to know I managed to do what I set out to. You are totally right, death of a loved one is something no one is ready to death with, no matter the age. Thank you also for commenting on the way I have Buffy reacting. Often in fics I find that Buffy's written as a bit too cold hearted, IMHO. I want this fic to show her as the best friend she is.

MiStrEsSdOrK:

*salutes* MA'AM YES MA'AM I AM REPLYING! MA'AM YES IT WAS SAD...GREAT TO HAVE YOU BACK! ... but really it's great to have you bk and writing again ...

- thea

Funny! The fb was not an order you know, but it was greatly appriciated. It's good to be back amongst friends. Thanks for the warm welcome.

Sam:

That was amazing and so frigging sad.. .Love sam xx

Thanks again for your continued fb, it's really nice to know someone's reading this. Again, it will get better, truthfully, I am a sucker for happy endings.

hahler:

ok sarah here is your feedback:

i love how u put the personal points from willows point of view,
i think that jw should have gotten more into that
sorry not much one for a lot of talk.

Thanks for taking the time to review. That really means a lot to me. Thanks again for the comment on the POV. I've always written things in the third person, but that just didn't seem right for this fic, hence the change. Plus, it was a nice challenge for me.

Leafsdude:

Very angsty fic so far. I've said it already, but I must point out that you capture all the feelings so very nicely. I also like that, even through all the angst and depression and sadness, you still keep all the character's true nature in them, such as Willow's internal babble and Buffy's unconditional love and friendship for all the Scoobies.

I can see Buffy watching the emotions play across my face. It’s no use trying to mask them, I’m no good at that stuff. I wear my heart on my sleeve. Right now it’s bleeding down my sleeve.

I've said it before, but I must point it out for everyone to see. This is one of the best lines in any fan fic story I've ever read. It starts out cliched, but it gives a great insight into the feelings in the end.

I'll be waiting for your next post!

Once again David, you have come through with some great fb! Insightful, well thought. You are a constant fb writer. Not to mention being a huge help with the whole re-write, couldn't have done it without you, friend. Thanks a lot for the comment on the metaphore. I really wanted to try something a bit different. The heart on sleeve alone seemed too plain. I'm glad you liked what I wrote.

Thanks again to everyone who revieved! Please, keep it coming! Now, onwards to chapter 3.

****


Mourning My Loss
By: Oracle Of Magic

Disclaimer: I don’t own any of the BTVS characters, they are the property of Joss Whedon, and Mutant Enemy productions. No copyright infringement is intended. I am writing this story purely for enjoyment.

********


Part 3

I must have fallen asleep, because when I look at the clock it’s past noon. Buffy’s still there, reading through one of her history books. “You didn’t have to stay,” I say.

“Not a problem,” she answers. “How are you feeling?”

“Better,” I answer. She grins, I can tell she’s relieved.

“That’s good, I’ll have Dawn bring in lunch,” she says. Dawn cooking? What strange world am I in? Buffy must have sensed that, because she broke into a full smile. “I know just what you mean. Xander made lunch.”

“In that case, sure, bring it on,” I answer, suddenly hungry. Buffy stands up and walks out the door, returning a few minutes later with Dawn, and what looks like edible food. That shocks me, then I remember Xander cooked. Ok, not quite as strange now.

Lunch is a very simple affair, sandwiches and soup. Afterwards Buffy and Dawn go out to do some errands, but not before checking to make sure I am ok. Truth is, I just need some time alone.

I slip on my robe and pad slowly around the room. It hurts, it hurts so bad. Everything reminds me of her, of what I lost. I don’t know how time flew by so fast, but Buffy sticks her head in and tells me dinner’s ready.

I walk downstairs and grab a plate, then head back upstairs to my room. I sit there eating in silence, not even tasting the food as it slides down my throat. I take my dishes down to the kitchen and quickly wash them.

Back in my room I can feel the tide of fear rising, it happens every night. Night is when I miss her the most. I can’t face sleeping without her there to hold. To say goodnight to. Some of my worst moments are at night.

I take two Benadryl, I know I shouldn’t still be taking the stuff. I was just supposed to take it for a few nights. But I can’t help it, I can’t sleep on my own. I know it has long term effects, but right now I’m just worried about making it through the night.

I sit on my bed, trying to focus on something, anything. Anything other than how much I miss Tara. I miss just being able to see her smile, that beautiful smile. What I would give to see it just one last time. One last time….

***

Part 4

I wake up the next morning with a crick in my back. I slowly lift my head. I slept in my computer chair again. Not that it really matters, at least I got some sleep. And besides, I have a hard time sleeping in the bed, that was where Tara and I used to snuggle. It feels so empty without her.

I feel so empty without her. I look around the room again, blinking back yet more tears. I didn’t know the human body could produce so many tears. But then, I didn’t know the universe could produce someone as perfect and loving as Tara. I guess we all learn too late.

I stand up, trying to stretch out all my sore muscles, it doesn’t work. It never does, but I always have to try. I walk to the bathroom and strip off my clothes, climbing into the shower.

I go about showering mechanically, wash hair, shave legs, rinse off. I don’t care how I look anymore, but this is my routine. One of the very few things keeping me together at all.

I climb out of the shower and grab a towel and start wrapping it around myself. A wave of dizziness washes over me and I grab the counter to keep from falling. My other hand goes to my stomach. No, not now, why now? I’m gonna be sick again.

I collapse to my knees and start to vomit. It’s worse than the day before, my muscles still hurt from yesterday. Each heave of my stomach feels like it’s tearing it to pieces. My throat is still raw, and burning, God how it burns.

Finally, I’m done, for now. I just sit there, trying to regain my composure. Right now Tara would be holding me, placing a cool cloth on my forehead, telling me it would be ok. That’s when the tears start, again.

I don’t know how long I stay there, seems like forever and a few minutes at the same time. I finally walk out to my room and change clothes, yet again. I’m starting to wonder why I even bother changing in the morning. I sit and rest for a while, my tears continuing. Finally I wipe my tears away and go down to get breakfast.

I see everyone there, they’re all so concerned, they want to help. They try to comfort me, but there’s nothing they can do. I do love them though, they keep trying. The lighthearted chit chat I know is meant well, but it only causes my head to ache.

I finish breakfast quickly and go upstairs and lock the door. I start crying, but I hardly notice. I sit down on my bed and pull my knees to my chest, wrapping my arms around them. I want to disappear, I want the pain to end, I want Tara back.

*******


tbc...

So fellow Kittens, whatcha think? Please, any comments are welcome. Lets get the fb started up on the site again.

Blessed Be,
Sarah

[hahler]

ok sarah you really have my interest peaked. please keep going and soon. sorry im an impatient person when it comes to a good fic that keeps my interest peaked.
good job!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[LesbianJedi87]

Im blaming on the not giving of the feedback on david...yes this is all davids fault...ha.

Well Im enjoying my vacaction more now that fic's like this have been updated! Its angsty, its sad, its...well everything! I wanna see where everything is going! TARA NEEDS TO COME BACK! I guess I have to sit and wait...damnit! hehe You're doing a great job Sarah! Keep on!

[sam]

Oh wow!! Amazing . This reminds me so much of myself at this moment in time, I won't go into it..but it makes me want to cry. The feelings which Willow is feeling are the same and I can feel her pain. Amazingly written . Love sam xx

[dragonfly]

Hey Oracle,

Don't thank me, you're doing all the job here, I'm just honestly complimenting your wonderful job.

You're right, death is a reality that bites you when you less expect. Hard and painful. Just time, hope and love help you get better.

Yes, I agree sometimes Buffy is clueless, and a bit self involved, but she's a good friend and loves Willow. It's nice to see it in a fic.

Wow, you did it again. I could see Willow hurting, it's like I'm observing from a corner. She wants Tara back, we all do, so is she going to bring her back?

Hope see an update soon.

Take care,
Clau

[ShyTemptress]

Hey Sarah...

(I hope this might make up for my lack of feedbacky tightness)

I wanted to leave this awesome feedback, but I'm kinda at a loss for what I should be saying. I know I've read this all before but I've completely forgotten where it goes. I hope David serves you well. -glares at David to make sure he indeed does a good job- I'll be right here reading every wonderful update.

Don't be a stranger, ya here?

Kristen

[strangerhere]

OM-

Wow, i remember when I read this the first time around. Its been a LONG time--i dont even think you were married yet (hope you and bert are doing well, btw). I am glad to see you back and writing. This story always intrigued me, and I really can't wait to see how you make it all out. I remember how the sadness was so honest and raw that it struck me the first time i read it. The poignant flare is even more evident upon my re-reading. All in all, cant wait to see where this goes.

ash

[Leafsdude]

Yet another great update! I bow to your utter excellency!

Actually, I should probably stop pretending I don't have a clue what's going on, because, well...I do! *Rubs it in the faces of everyone else*

Sorry, sorry, just a moment's lapse. I'll be good...

Anyway, for this update, I think I'll comment that, as a whole, it was perfect. Great emotions, as always, and the dialog and exchanges between characters were very real, not to mention moving. I think you saved the best, though most heartwrenching, moment of this chapter for the last paragraph. You captured the feelings so well, and summed up so much so quickly while not compromising anything.

[chivalry mode] And Kristen, I serve those with talent with complete honour and dignity. I assure you I did a good job! [/chivalry mode]

[Oracle_Of_Magic]

Wow! What a response! Now this is what I've been waiting for! Thank you so much Kittens.

Hahler:

ok sarah you really have my interest peaked. please keep going and soon. sorry im an impatient person when it comes to a good fic that keeps my interest peaked.
good job!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thanks! It's great to know this fic's peaked some interest. I take it as a real compliment that you are urging me to update, fast.

LesbianJedi87:

Im blaming on the not giving of the feedback on david...yes this is all davids fault...ha.

Well Im enjoying my vacaction more now that fic's like this have been updated! Its angsty, its sad, its...well everything! I wanna see where everything is going! TARA NEEDS TO COME BACK! I guess I have to sit and wait...damnit! hehe You're doing a great job Sarah! Keep on!

Lol Rose, good to know I've helped make your vacation more fun. I shall do my best to keep updating on a regular basis. I totally agree, Tara does need to come back, all in due time my friend.

Sam:

Oh wow!! Amazing . This reminds me so much of myself at this moment in time, I won't go into it..but it makes me want to cry. The feelings which Willow is feeling are the same and I can feel her pain. Amazingly written . Love sam xx

Thank you so much for letting me know the emotional impact of this fic. I really wanted to make it as real as possible. Also glad to know I'm not the only one it made cry. When I write, I really try to put myself in the character's shoes, in this case, that meant going pretty deep into strong emotions. Getting fb like this makes it completely worth it.

Dragonfly:

Hey Oracle,

Don't thank me, you're doing all the job here, I'm just honestly complimenting your wonderful job.

You're right, death is a reality that bites you when you less expect. Hard and painful. Just time, hope and love help you get better.

Yes, I agree sometimes Buffy is clueless, and a bit self involved, but she's a good friend and loves Willow. It's nice to see it in a fic.

Wow, you did it again. I could see Willow hurting, it's like I'm observing from a corner. She wants Tara back, we all do, so is she going to bring her back?

Hope see an update soon.

Take care,
Clau

Clau, I know you said there was no need to thank you, but it's in my nature to thank people. So, thank you again for your wonderful fb. With this fic, I really wanted to give readers a sense of watching everything as it unfolded. I didn't want a detached 3rd person, hence the 1st person POV. Agreed, we all want Tara back. And hey, in my happy mind, the series ended with S5, and W/T are living happily ever after.

ShyTemptress:

Hey Sarah...

(I hope this might make up for my lack of feedbacky tightness)

I wanted to leave this awesome feedback, but I'm kinda at a loss for what I should be saying. I know I've read this all before but I've completely forgotten where it goes. I hope David serves you well. -glares at David to make sure he indeed does a good job- I'll be right here reading every wonderful update.

Don't be a stranger, ya here?

Kristen

Hey Kristen, thanks for the review. I promise, David has been great with this fic, if it hadn't been for him, you wouldn't be reading this re-write. I always love your fb. I also promise not to be a stranger. I'm back, and here to stay.

Strangerhere:

OM-

Wow, i remember when I read this the first time around. Its been a LONG time--i dont even think you were married yet (hope you and bert are doing well, btw). I am glad to see you back and writing. This story always intrigued me, and I really can't wait to see how you make it all out. I remember how the sadness was so honest and raw that it struck me the first time i read it. The poignant flare is even more evident upon my re-reading. All in all, cant wait to see where this goes.

ash

Good to hear from you Ash! It's been a long while, around a year I think. Yup, got married last June 19th, and things are going great. I'm really happy to be writing again, it feels great. I'm happy to know the story intrigued you, I take that as a great compliment. Your well thought out, insightful fb is always welcome. Raw and honest, yup, that's what I've been trying for, good to know I managed it. Don't be a stranger, ya here?

Leafsdude:

Yet another great update! I bow to your utter excellency!

Actually, I should probably stop pretending I don't have a clue what's going on, because, well...I do! *Rubs it in the faces of everyone else*

Sorry, sorry, just a moment's lapse. I'll be good...

Anyway, for this update, I think I'll comment that, as a whole, it was perfect. Great emotions, as always, and the dialog and exchanges between characters were very real, not to mention moving. I think you saved the best, though most heartwrenching, moment of this chapter for the last paragraph. You captured the feelings so well, and summed up so much so quickly while not compromising anything.

[chivalry mode] And Kristen, I serve those with talent with complete honour and dignity. I assure you I did a good job! [/chivalry mode]

Lol David, thanks again for the wonderful fb. You are a lifesaver, my friend. Your comments and fb are what guided my hands as I re-wrote this. I just want to thank you.

*****

Mourning My Loss
By: Oracle Of Magic

Disclaimer: I don’t own any of the BTVS characters, they are the property of Joss Whedon, and Mutant Enemy productions. No copyright infringement is intended. I am writing this story purely for enjoyment.

*****

Part 5

I go through the next week like a robot. Each day is the same, the same routine. Get up, get sick, clean up, eat something, cry, eat lunch, cry, eat dinner, and cry myself to sleep with the help of Benadryl.

I feel numb, the pain is the only thing that reminds me I’m still alive. You can’t hurt this much and be dead, the pain leaves then. I give the correct responses, react the way I’m supposed to, but I don’t feel it. I only feel the pain, I miss her so much.

*******


I’m laying on my bed, staring at the ceiling when I hear a knock on the door. “Come in,” I say without emotion. The door opens and someone walks in, they’re probably here to tell me it’s time to eat. They have to remind me, otherwise I’d forget.

The person walks across the room, and I feel them sit down next to me. “Will?” Buffy asks quietly.

“Yeah?” I answer. I guess it’s not about food, did I forget a chore or something? I guess she’ll tell me in a moment.

“What’s going on?” she asks.

“I’m in mourning,” I state simply. Isn’t that self-evident?

“I know that, Willow,” she says.

“Then why are you asking?” I respond. I don’t really care, everything stopped mattering when Tara died. She looks at me, I know she is concerned.

“How long have you been sick?” she asks gently. This gets my attention, I try not to let her see though.

“What do you mean?” I ask, playing innocent. Maybe she just suspects, maybe she doesn’t know. She takes a deep breath, she doesn’t want to upset me, but she’s also made up her mind. There’s no way I can avoid this talk.

“Willow, I heard you this morning, I wasn’t spying,” she defends. “I was walking past your room and heard something, I got worried so I knocked on the door. You didn’t answer. I got really worried, Will. I opened the door to make sure you were ok. And I saw the bathroom door half open. And well, I saw you.”

Buffy pauses a minute before continuing. She’s obviously trying to figure out how to phrase whatever it is she’s gonna say. “Willow, why didn’t you tell me you were sick?”

From the tone of her voice, and the fact she uses my full name, I know she’s serious. I sit there and ponder her words. She heard me, but only this morning, she doesn’t know how long it’s been going on. I debate telling her that it was just this morning, that I woke up with an upset stomach.

But that look in her face, she’s so worried, I can’t lie to her. She only wants to help. I give a sigh of defeat. “About a week I guess.”

“A week?” she chokes. “Why didn’t you tell me? Tell someone? Are you ok? Are you taking something? Do you know what’s wrong?”

Her questions are making my head hurt. I just lay there, keeping my expression the same. “Willow?” her voice cuts through my silence. “Willow? Please talk to me.” She’s almost pleading now.

“I didn’t tell you, because it doesn’t matter,” I answer in a monotone. Her eyes grow wide, she’s shocked, she doesn’t understand, no one can.

“Of course it matters,” she replies.

“No it doesn’t!” I almost shout. “It all stopped mattering the moment Tara died. Don’t you understand that? There’s no point anymore, none. I’m just a shell, I walk and talk like a person. But I’m not, I’m a shell, a robot. I’m nothing without her…” I’m crying by now, more sobs.

She wraps me up in a hug and just holds me, letting me cry my tears out. “I know it hurts, Will, I know. But you do matter, we all care about you. You do matter, you’re my best friend. Let me help you, please,” she says, her tears mingling with my own.

I just lay there, tears still wracking my body. “I don’t know what I need, Buffy. No I take that back, I need Tara. Why didn’t they let me bring her back?” I ask.

“I don’t know, Will, I really don’t know,” she answers.

“I could have brought her back,” I sob. “I could have saved her…” Buffy just holds me, knowing that’s what I need right now. I finally relax, too tired to continue.

“It’s ok, it’s gonna be ok,” she says soothingly. She tucks me into bed, making sure I’m comfy. “We’re going to make a doctors appointment for you.”

“Doctors appointment?” I whisper.

“Yeah, doctors appointment,” she replies. “We need to find out what’s making you so sick. I know part of it’s grief, but there’s something else going on here.”

I nod my head silently in agreement. She has that look on her face, the same one she sometimes gets with Dawn. Her mom look, the one she always bragged she patterned after my “resolve face”. I know better than to even try and argue with that. She seems satisfied, and tells me to get some rest.

Easier said than done, right? I just lay there, the events of the past few months playing through my head. I don’t sleep, I just lay there. Thinking of Tara.

*****

tbc...

Well, here's the update folks, I hope you like it. As always, fb is encouraged! I really want to know what you think, so please, read and review. I look forward to hearing from all of you.

Blessed Be,
Sarah

[hahler]

ok sarah im glued to my puter now.
i cant wait for your next update hopefully soon
feel privileged that i am fb on every update i dont usually do that i like to sit in the back ground and observe.

dawn

[sam]

Wow..that was so great . I'm glad Willow is going to see a doctor. Love sam xx

[rezeaka]

Sarah - this fic of yours has just "got me". This is probably the 4th or 5th time I've started to reply and leave you some feedback, but every time I just haven't been able to find the words, and end up closing the page.

(hopefully you take "speechlessness" as a good form of comment, otherwise even this attempt at feedback is pretty much "s-o-l"!)

I appreciate your frequent updates, and even more so - the quality story you have going. I personally think you are "nailing" what Willow's level grief and mourning over Tara's death would really be like....which is far more than we can say for the the people that got paid to write it!

Keep up the awesome work!

-annie

[Leafsdude]

Definately the best written chapter thus far! You captured Willow's grief so well, and Buffy's sorrow over her friend's pain and anguish.

“No it doesn’t!” I almost shout. “It all stopped mattering the moment Tara died. Don’t you understand that? There’s no point anymore, none. I’m just a shell, I walk and talk like a person. But I’m not, I’m a shell, a robot. I’m nothing without her…” I’m crying by now, more sobs.

Just totally heartbreaking. Brings tears to my eyes.

Lastly, I know I mentioned this before, but I gotta point it out again:

“I’m in mourning,” I state simply.

I always get a strange chuckle out of this. So blunt and simple. I dunno, I'm just weird.

[Oracle_Of_Magic]

Yahoo! I am totally loving the fb, you all rock! Please, keep it coming, my muse lives on FB.

Dawn:

ok sarah im glued to my puter now.
i cant wait for your next update hopefully soon
feel privileged that i am fb on every update i dont usually do that i like to sit in the back ground and observe.

dawn

I feel honored, you've been really consistant with your fb, and I really appriciate that. I know you don't normally like to post, so I consider it an honor that you've left fb on all chapters, please, continue.

Sam:

Wow..that was so great . I'm glad Willow is going to see a doctor. Love sam xx

Ever short and to the point! Thanks for reading, and reviewing.

Annie:

Sarah - this fic of yours has just "got me". This is probably the 4th or 5th time I've started to reply and leave you some feedback, but every time I just haven't been able to find the words, and end up closing the page.

(hopefully you take "speechlessness" as a good form of comment, otherwise even this attempt at feedback is pretty much "s-o-l"!)

I appreciate your frequent updates, and even more so - the quality story you have going. I personally think you are "nailing" what Willow's level grief and mourning over Tara's death would really be like....which is far more than we can say for the the people that got paid to write it!

Keep up the awesome work!

-annie

Wow, I don't know what to say. Now who's speechless? lol. I take it as a great compliment that my fic has left you speechless. Your comments are wonderful, and very much appriciated. I want to thank you especially for your comment on my writing better than the paid writers. That is one of the highest compliments I have ever recieved.

David:

Definately the best written chapter thus far! You captured Willow's grief so well, and Buffy's sorrow over her friend's pain and anguish.

“No it doesn’t!” I almost shout. “It all stopped mattering the moment Tara died. Don’t you understand that? There’s no point anymore, none. I’m just a shell, I walk and talk like a person. But I’m not, I’m a shell, a robot. I’m nothing without her…” I’m crying by now, more sobs.

Just totally heartbreaking. Brings tears to my eyes.

Lastly, I know I mentioned this before, but I gotta point it out again:

“I’m in mourning,” I state simply.

I always get a strange chuckle out of this. So blunt and simple. I dunno, I'm just weird.

Ah yes, my friend and muse, nope, I didn't forget you. Your well thought out fb has been invaluable. I dedicate this next chapter to you my friend.

Now! On with the fic!

******

Mourning My Loss
By: Oracle Of Magic

Disclaimer: I don’t own any of the BTVS characters, they are the property of Joss Whedon, and Mutant Enemy productions. No copyright infringement is intended. I am writing this story purely for enjoyment.

Dedication: To David, my close friend, beta and muse. This re-write would not have been possible without you. I bow to your creative abilities. This dedication is a small token of my gratitude. Thank you, my friend.

********


Part 6

Somehow Buffy managed to get an appointment for that afternoon. How she did that I don’t want to know. I’m guessing it involved various threats. “Are you sure you don’t want me to come in with you?” she asked for the thousandth time.

“I’m sure,” I answer. “I’ll be ok, it’s just an appointment with the doctor, nothing I can’t handle.”

“Ok,” she nods her head reluctantly. “I’ll be back to pick you up in an hour.”

“Thanks,” I answer. The jeep pulls up in front of the office, and I get out. I watch Buffy drive off before heading into the office. I check in with the nurse before sitting down in one of the chairs.

I pick up a magazine and start to read, at least that’s what it appears to everyone else in the office. I just stare at the same page, never seeing the words. I just keep thinking of Tara. Finally the nurse walks out and calls my name.

Guess I’m next. I follow the nurse. She takes my temperature, blood pressure, and all that. Then hands me one of those little gowns to change into, and tells me the doctor will be with me soon. I change silently.

I sit on the table, staring off into space. When the door opens, it startles me. “Good afternoon, Miss Rosenberg,” the doctor greets me.

“Hi doctor,” I answer. He sits down on the stool and starts to ask for my symptoms. I answer all his questions without really thinking. He nods, marks things down in my chart, and finally tells me he needs to run some tests.

I agree, not like it matters, but Buffy’ll be mad if I don’t get this checked out. He quickly draws some blood. And for once, I don’t even feel the needle. “Alright, I should have the test results tomorrow, I’ll call you as soon as I get them,” he says. “Until then, just rest and take it easy.”

I shake his hand, and he walks out. I change back into my clothes, and head out to the office. Buffy’s waiting for me. I should have known she wouldn’t wait the full hour.

“So how’d it go?” she asks me.

“It went ok,” I answer. “Doctor told me to get plenty of rest, take it easy, and wait for the test results.” I smile, trying to show her I’ll be ok.

“Tests? What kind of tests?” she asks.

“I don’t know, some blood work,” I hedge. I feel so alone. Tara should be here with me, she always went with me to the doctor. A single tear slid down my cheek. But of course if she was here, I wouldn’t need to go to the doctor. So I’m really not making any sense. Ok I’m babbling, must stop that.

“Ok, then,” she said. “Well in that case, we’re going to get you home and into bed. We are going to follow the doctor’s orders to a T.” I just nod my agreement, trying to hold in the tears till we get home.

The ride home is pretty silent, I know Buffy wants to talk, but she can sense I just need to be quiet. We get home and Buffy immediately takes me up to my room and has me change into PJ’s. She tucks me in, and makes sure I’m comfy.

“There you go, all comfy,” she says, a small smile on her face. “Is there anything I can get you?”

“No, I’ll be ok,” I answer. “Just need to rest, like the doc said.”

“Ok then,” she said. “I’ll be back in a while to check on you. If you need anything, you give me a call.”

“Thanks Buffy,” I answer.

“Always Will, you’re my best friend,” she grins. “Now, get some sleep.” She gives me a quick hug before turning off the light and walking out.

I lay there, staring at the ceiling, I wish she hadn’t turned off the light. It’s so hard to be alone in the dark. I miss her so much, the hugs, the snuggling. Just knowing that she’s there. Even when I was on the computer and she was sleeping, I just felt better knowing she was in the room.

As I’m looking up at the ceiling, I remember the time Tara and I went star gazing. She didn’t know any of the constellations, instead, she made her own up. It was perfect, we were laying on a blanket, our heads resting together on a single pillow. Just enjoying the closeness and the night.

She had been so happy that night, so happy. I start to cry again. Lately that seems like all I do. I cry, I cry for the love I’ll never have. I cry for Tara.

****


tbc...

So, whatcha think Kittens? Let the fb begin! I'm hoping to get at least 6 responses before I post the next chapter, hint hint. On a more serious note, thanks for taking the time to read this, I hope you enjoy it.

Blessed Be,
Sarah

[Axel_Avalon]

This story awesome. Willow's pain is captured and expressed beautifully.




P.S.
Is that fact that Willow gets sick every morning setting off major alarms for anyone else? No? Maybe I'm just paranoid.

[sam]

That was wonderful . I hope Willow is ok..Love sam xx

[DarkWiccan]

Hiya, hiya, hiya!!

It's been a while since I have commented on this fic. In fact, I only commented on the original version at the old board, and not this new one at the...erm...new board.

K, so... first off... it is so cool to see how wonderfully your writing has matured. Gone is the stiff, over-thought vocabulary of yore, and here-present is a wonderfully visceral and bitter narration. I can really feel Willow's emotional agony, and it is brilliantly heart-wrenching.

Unless you have made some super-duper big changes to the nature of Willow's illness in this rewrite, I'm pretty sure I remember correctly what it is... but I will keep it to myself so as not to spoil others.

Kudos!!!

Cheers
DW

[freakgirl105]

D*mn Sarah this is sad!!!!!!! Question is Willow pregnant, because of the whole throwing up every morning...could be morning sickness...or did i just ruin the story...ooops sorry...if i did ruin it for the other. Anyways great story, and i can't wait to read the rest of it!