FIC - A Year of Souls

[Naeryn]

GayNow - Yes, oh mistress of smut critiquing. And don't worry, I'll definitely be practicing. Really, I think you'll find the dinner a touch anticlimactic... possibly because it's not the climax. ...Now now Car, no dirty thoughts!

sam - You want the dinner too, huh? Well, like I said... I think you'll find it less exciting than you've worked yourself up to.

[hr]
Title: A Year of Souls
Author: Naeryn
Spoilers: Only if you never knew that Willow and Tara were together. Which, honestly, if you don’t, then you’re in for a surprise on this site.
Ratings: R/NC17 – I say both because NC17 generally only refers to scenes of a sexual nature, while in here there’s rather descriptive violence as well. Or there will be.
Disclaimer: The day I own Willow and Tara is the day the earth rotates backwards and hell freezes over – and all the Canadians down there start playing hockey!
Notes: This is the shortest update so far, by far. Probably about half the length of the rest of them... but I just couldn't resist the opportunity for a killer cliffhanger





Willow stood behind a blushing Tara as the door to the Summers house swung open, revealing a happy-looking Joyce Summers. “Oh, hello Tara. Willow, why are you…” She trailed off, stunned, as Willow stepped out from behind her girlfriend. “Oh, my. Willow, you look… different.”

A broad grin cracked her face. “Yep. I’m… going for a little shock value tonight. Should be much fun.”

Joyce shook herself and backed up a step. “Well, come on in. Dinner’s just about ready, everyone else is in the living room.”

Both girls nodded and stepped inside, hands clasped tightly. Joyce ducked away and into the kitchen, while Willow and Tara turned to the living room. They walked in to four pairs of eyes focused on them.

“Whoa, Will… hey, you aren’t a vampire, are you?”

Willow rolled her eyes. “No, Xander. I’m not a vampire. I just… decided to try something… you know, different.”

He quirked one eyebrow. “This becoming a theme with you?”

Buffy reached over to smack Xander, but, surprisingly, Anya reached him first. “Xander! That’s so not fair! You’re always telling me about how I make inappropriate comments, and you just did it! You JUST did!” Anya looked quite proud of herself, sitting up straighter next to Xander. Or, perhaps, she only appeared to sit up straighter, as he began to slouch over, looking suitably chastised.

Tara smirked, trying not to laugh. The girlfriends headed into the room. Tara sat on a chair beside the couch, looking a little uncomfortable. Willow sat on the floor in front of her, reaching up to lace their fingers together.

Understanding her discomfiture, Buffy gave Tara a reassuring smile. “Don’t worry, Tar. Mom’s not going to play twenty-questions-and-I’m-polishing-my-shotgun with you.” She grinned, unable to resist teasing her best friend’s chosen girl a little. “Besides, in this house, a sword is much easier to come by.”

Tara nodded, not hugely reassured, grateful for Buffy's understanding though she was, but finding Willow’s hand caught up in her own to be a grounding presence.

Moments passed in silence, and Joyce walked in, smiling jovially. “Dinner’s done. I hope you like chicken, Tara. Willow didn’t say anything about any special food requirements, but if you’re a vegetarian or something, there’s also tons of salad and mashed potatoes.”

“Thank you, Mrs. Summers. No, I’m n-not… c-chicken is great.” She smiled timidly.

The group stood and headed towards the kitchen, chatting amiably now.

*****

Several salads and a large roast chicken later, several napkins made their way from laps onto plates. The Scoobies leaned back, voracious appetites eased for the time being. It was then that Willow gave Tara’s shoulder a squeeze, signaling that it was time to break the news to Joyce.

“Um, Mrs. Summers… okay, this is going to sound randomly weird and mushy, but you know you’re like a mom to me, right? I mean, tons more than my own mom, she kind of flunked that class, I think. Or maybe she just skipped the line for maternal instinct. Either way…”

Joyce smiled. “I know what you mean, Willow. I’ve often thought of you as a sort of… chosen daughter. Not to be confused, of course, with the Chosen daughter.” Buffy rolled her eyes.

Biting her lip nervously, Willow nodded and pressed on. “Well… this year, a lot of stuff has happened in my life. One of the better things being Tara.” At this she turned to her girlfriend and flashed her a bright smile. Tara returned the look, then resumed staring at her plate.

“Does this have anything to do with your unusual mode of dress?”

“Sort of. It’s just, I want to tell you that… well… Tara and I aren’t friends.”

The older woman’s eyebrow arched in curiosity, not understanding what Willow meant. Clearly they’re friends, close friends, anyone could tell that by looking. Perhaps something different… a relationship of a different sort?
“We’re… uh… we’re girlfriends.”
Somehow, I saw that coming. Joyce smiled warmly at both girls. “You’re happy together? You treat each other well?” I haven’t exactly had the best luck with men. Maybe it’s better for them to just skip that part. Her thoughts were cynical, but only towards herself.

Willow nodded emphatically. “Deliriously happy. But not actually delirious, very clear in the head here. Nope, definitely sure, I’m happy, we’re happy,” she turned to Tara momentarily for confirmation, “you are happy, right?” Tara nodded, an indulgent grin on her face. “Yup, we’re happy. All with the bliss here.” She didn’t want Joyce to think that there was any waffling on her part.

“If you’re happy, Willow, then I’m happy for you.” Abruptly, Joyce pushed her chair back and walked around the table, pulling both Willow and Tara to their feet and taking them into a warm motherly hug. “Now, who wants dessert? I made pie.”

As Mrs. Summers left the room to fetch the apple pie, Buffy reached out and squeezed Willow’s arm. “Told you she’d be cool with it.” She leaned forwards, looking around Willow to her other side, at Tara. “Welcome to the family, Tar. Mom’ll be at you about your homework now, I pretty much guarantee it.” Supportive, happy faces around the table nodded agreement.

Tara blushed and looked away, inwardly, she couldn’t have been more pleased with the woman that Willow called her elective mother.

*****

Willow and Tara walked hand-in-hand up to Willow’s parents’ front door. They’d decided to remain there until the end of the week, since the quarantine was still in effect and there was no school, nor would her parents be returning until Friday.

“I’m glad Mrs. Summers took the news that well. I was… well, I was kind of nervous.”

“I sort of knew she would. I mean, she’s seen so much, with her own daughter being the Slayer and all, plus with that disaster of an ex husband of hers…” Willow grinned, bumping her shoulder lightly into Tara’s.

Her hand rested on the doorknob. “It’s just, things have been going so smoothly. A little too smoothly, you know? I keep expecting…” Tara trailed off, her eyes opened wide at what she saw inside the Rosenbergs’ house.

Willow’s expression matched Tara’s, in both feeling and intensity. “M-mom?”

Mrs. Rosenberg turned around and smiled at her daughter, in an almost absent way. “Oh, hi honey. I didn’t know you’d be home today. Who’s this?” She gestured vaguely at Tara before turning around again, resuming the dusting of the mantel. “This place got so dusty while we were out of town. I’m glad they lifted the quarantine early! I don't know what that was about.”

[HalfCamel]

AAAHHHH!! Why did you stop there?! "You're kiling me Smalls!" But in all fairness you did give a warning. Great update Naeryn; it was short, but definitely sweet.

I think the fact that Tara said only one thing during the dinner, and that was in response to a question asked directly to her, conveys how nervous she was. Which, of course, she states later and then proceeds to shoot herself in the foot, so to speak. Anywho, you wrote that very well and you were able to get that nervousness across. *applause, applause*

The dinner was a bit anticlimactic, but I guess after all the excitement with the no-voice-thing it was welcome. But could we have some more climactic events involving two certain somebodies?

Can't wait for the second coming out, I can just imagine whats going to be said, and how. Keep it up!

[sam]

Uh oh......hehe. Great update . Love sam xx

[Leafsdude]

Wow. What a way to end the update. I'm still shocked and I've been done reading it for about 20 minutes. :LOL!

I see bad stuff coming up, but remember, you promised a happy ending!

Can't wait for the next update. I'll be looking for the next part all weekend!

[SeeXthroughXme]

Wow. You cant just leave us hanging thereeeee come onn, please

P.S.. I love this story SOO MUCH

[Naeryn]

HalfCamel - You noticed that? I was worried it was a little too subtle, but I couldn't make the fact that Tara's nervous a big flashing neon light. Tara isn't a big flashing neon light person, if that makes any sense at all.
Sorry, no more of the climactic events you're thinking of. Not in this story anyway... This is the last update!

Except for the epilogue, but that'll be quiet and years in the future.

sam - Uh oh is right!

Leafsdude - David! Yay, I love it when you leave feedback! *glomp*, lol, wow, still shocked? Damn right I promised a happy ending, and I wouldn't have it any other way for our girls.

SeeXthroughXme - Wow! more heart- and bowy-emotes! *blink blink*

[hr]
Title: A Year of Souls
Author: Naeryn
Spoilers: Only if you never knew that Willow and Tara were together. Which, honestly, if you don’t, then you’re in for a surprise on this site.
Ratings: R/NC17 – I say both because NC17 generally only refers to scenes of a sexual nature, while in here there’s rather descriptive violence as well. Or there will be.
Disclaimer: The day I own Willow and Tara is the day the earth rotates backwards and hell freezes over – and all the Canadians down there start playing hockey!
Notes: This is the LAST CHAPTER. On either Wednesday or Thursday I'll be posting the epilogue and author's note.




Willow stood stock-still in the doorway, eyes fixed on her mother. “They… lifted the quarantine early?” her hand tightened around Tara’s.

Mrs. Rosenberg turned around. “Of course, honey. You didn’t know? Yes, schools and government offices open tomorrow. I took the first flight back in, though your father had to leave again while it was still in effect. Wasn’t that silly?”

“Uh, yeah, mom. Silly.” Willow shifted from foot to foot, obviously incredibly uncomfortable. She looked over at Tara, biting her lip.

It’s not that she doesn’t want me to meet them, it’s not that, it’s not that, she took me to see Joyce even, she’s not ashamed of me… Tara tried to reassure herself. She found herself unable to meet Willow’s eyes.

Making a snap decision, the redhead pulled Tara in the door after her. “Well, I guess it kind of works out that you’re here, mom. I, um… I kind of have something to tell you.” She squeezed her girlfriend’s hand again, trying to set her mind at rest, at least about the insecurity she knew Tara must still be feeling.

Upon Sheila’s basic “Mm hmm?” response, she grew impatient, telling her mother quite firmly to sit down. Both mom and daughter looked a little shocked at Willow’s sharpness. “All right, honey. What is it?”

“Mom, I want to tell you something. It’s something that’s been… a fairly recent development in my life, and is very, very important to me.” Willow met her mother’s eyes, trying to express the vitality of what she was about to reveal.

Mrs. Rosenberg nodded, a confused look on her face. Even when she’s got no clue what I’m talking about, she can STILL look patronizing. Willow rolled her eyes at her mother inwardly, not daring to do it in actuality. She tugged on Tara’s arm, pulling her forwards to stand beside, rather than behind her.

“Mom, this is Tara Maclay. She’s… she’s my girlfriend.”
Sheila Rosenberg blinked. Once, twice, thrice, she blinked, clearly not understanding. Then, much to the surprise of the young lovers, she began to laugh. “Oh, Willow. You thought I wouldn’t understand?”

“Well… yeah.”

“I understand perfectly. You’re in university, everyone around you is experimenting, and most especially with sexuality at that age. Undoubtedly you’re identifying some unusual reactions in yourself, changes you’re going through emotionally and psychologically. It’s not surprising at all. At least this time it’s not as ucky as that stuff you were fooling about with last year.”

Willow stared at her mother in disbelief, then, with a loud groan, walked to the wall and hit her head against it. She remained there a moment, and then abruptly turned around. “Mom. For the last time, I’m NOT AN AGE GROUP! This isn’t some crazed college experiment before I get over the thrill and head on back to boystown, I have a girlfriend. A steady girlfriend, who is an amazing woman and a part of my life that I wouldn’t give up for the world, who is incredibly strong, and beautiful, and…” she trailed off, seeing her mother’s eyes glazed over. She clearly wouldn’t listen to anything that Willow had to say in this state. She turned to face Tara… and found her gone.

*****

Tara slammed her door shut, sobbing quietly. Is that all it is? An experiment? Some college thing before she goes and finds herself a nice boy to settle down and have babies with? She collapsed at the foot of her bed, clawing at her shirt. She had to get it off, she couldn’t breathe.

She winced as her fingers and toes started to tingle. Her nerves seemed to come alive, tickling her skin, humming as the blood pumped tantalizingly just beneath the surface. Tara felt almost vampiric as she listened to the liquid screaming in her ears. She swallowed hard, choking down the bile that rose in her throat.

Her flesh was pallid, coated in a thin film of sweat as she battled the urge she felt rising inside of her. The humming, buzzing, pulsing sensation grew until goosebumps rose on her arms and her limbs began to shake with the force of it.

Bleed… I need to bleed. Just a little slice, just a little drop of blood to chase the pain away. Can’t breathe, can’t breathe, need to bleed, Goddess, let me bleed, just a little… she hates me, she hates me, I hate me, whore, tramp, bitch, slut, worthless, worthless, worthless…

Rubbing her hands along her arms, she racked her brain for something to send this growing need away, something to quench the emergent thirst for her own blood, for the pain she’d sought comfort in a hundred, a thousand times before. She pulled herself up into a tight fetal crouch, rocking back and forth. The burning as her blood boiled inside her broke out of her in a low, wailing moan.

No. Not this time, not again. Willow loves me. She loves me, she loves me, she loves me, her mom’s a bitch, she loves me… I can do this, I can beat this. I won’t give in, I won’t, I won’t, I won’t… I don’t need this, she loves me, she wants me, I’m not bad, I’m not ugly, I’m not a whore, I can win, I can beat this… A lightbulb flashed on in her mind as she leaned over, hands clawing and scrabbling at the floor. She reached under the bed and closed her fingers around something. She smiled with a distant sort of relief.

*****

The rhythm of her booted feet pounding against the sidewalk was the only sound that reached Willow’s panicked ears. Everything seemed deathly quiet, as if the silence had fallen on Sunnydale again and brought a morbid, sadistic companion. All she knew was that she had to reach Tara, had to get there, had to help her.

Tara would have returned to her room, of course. It was where she always went when she hurt badly enough to hurt herself, and Willow knew that if anything, this would be something to hurt her like that. Inwardly, she cursed her mother again, not daring to waste the energy it would take to speak the words aloud. She thought back on the abrupt nature of her departure for a moment.

[center]Willow clenched her fists and whirled to face her mother. “OH! If
she… if she’s not perfectly okay, I’m going to… ARRGH!” She pivoted
on her foot and tore out of the Rosenberg house, slamming the door
behind her loud enough to shake the pictures in their frames.
Sheila sat back, looking consternated. “Well, I never…!”[/center]

She couldn’t believe her mother had been that horribly insensitive. To laugh… Willow found herself surprised that she was surprised. Really, how could she have not seen it coming? She knew her mother, and likely her father too, would be an ass about it, but she hadn’t thought…

If Tara hurt herself badly over this, Willow swore she would never speak to her mother again. An eternity passed in which nothing existed for Willow, nothing except the pounding of her boots on the sidewalk and the pull she felt like a physical sensation somewhere behind her heart, drawing her unquestionably towards the woman she loved.

Finally, the university campus loomed ahead. Then the dorms, then one dorm, then the main door, and then, after a year of moments of breathless running, Tara’s door. She threw it open, and her eyes widened at the sight in front of her.

*****

Tara looked up as Willow flung her door wide. She sat on the floor, clutching something to her chest. The sweatshirt Willow had originally used to clean her up, the day she found out that Tara cut herself. There was some dried blood on one side, but other than that, it was clean, and smelled still of Willow. Tara had found it after Willow left the next day and folded it neatly, tucking it under her bed.

Falling to her knees in front of the blond, Willow pulled Tara into a tight embrace, hardly noticing the music that wafted through the room.

Oh, why you look so sad?
Tears are in your eyes
Come on and come to me now
Don’t be ashamed to cry
Let me see you through
’cause I’ve seen the dark side too

Tara tightened her arms around Willow as the redhead whispered in her ear, “she doesn’t know what she’s talking about, baby. It’s you. You’re the one, I don’t want anyone else.”

When the night falls on you
You don’t know what to do
Nothing you confess
Could make me love you less

“It’s us, baby. We’re both so much stronger together.” Willow gave the side of Tara’s head a hot kiss as tears leaked down both girls’ faces. “I’m not going to leave you, I swear. I swear it.”

I’ll stand by you
I’ll stand by you
Won’t let nobody hurt you
I’ll stand by you

Tara pulled away a little to look into Willow’s eyes. “Will… I did it. I stopped it. I didn’t cut, I didn’t even scratch myself. I did it.”

So if you’re mad, get mad
Don’t hold it all inside
Come on and talk to me now
Hey, what you got to hide?
I get angry too
Well I’m a lot like you

Willow pulled her close again, kissing every iota of face she could reach. “I always knew you could, love. You just needed to believe that. I love you, Tara Maclay. Always and forever."

When you’re standing at the crossroads
And don’t know which path to choose
Let me come along
’cause even if you’re wrong

Tara smiled, returning the kiss that finally made its’ way to her lips. “Willow?” When the redhead looked at her, she sighed. “I don’t like your mother.”

I’ll stand by you
I’ll stand by you
Won’t let nobody hurt you
I’ll stand by you
Take me in, into your darkest hour
And I’ll never desert you
I’ll stand by you

A laugh escaped from Willow’s throat. “Don’t worry, baby. No one really does. You know, she still calls Buffy, ‘Bunny’?”

And when...
When the night falls on you, baby
You’re feeling all alone
You won’t be on your own

I’ll stand by you
I’ll stand by you
Won’t let nobody hurt you

I’ll stand by you
Take me in, into your darkest hour
And I’ll never desert you
I’ll stand by you
I’ll stand by you
Won’t let nobody hurt you
I’ll stand by you
Won’t let nobody hurt you
I’ll stand by you

[SeeXthroughXme]

-clapssss- Bravo bravooooooo




You should definately, definately. Make another story.. Definately

[willohand]

oh god...you had me so scared.I was trembling.I was in tears.I was laughing from trying not to cry more when I read it was the swearshirt she had reached for.
This story has a way of touching off and hitting nerves...
Hey I havent heard from ya.Email me.

[SakuraEtsuko]

MEGAN!!!!! This fic in its entirety is an amazing amazing amazing piece of work..but that last update...I was crying! so so beautiful!! your writing is so entrancing...girl you got skills!!! keep up the great posts...

Karen

[sam]

Wow..I don't know what to say..this fic really touched me, in lots of ways I had forgotten about....It really was amazing and I can't wait to read the epilogue. Thank you. Love sam xx

[Leafsdude]

Lovely, lovely story. Unlike Oz, I always like reading Sheila-bashing fics.

I still am unhappy about that cliffhanger, but this definately made it worth it.

You almost had me when Sheila said "You thought I wouldn't understand?", but of course, she's always so naive and behind-the-times. Damn woman. And scaring off Tara like that. I guess she gets some slack for not knowing the whole story, but she's still such a b-i-t-c-a.

I did, however, forsee the whole sweater-grabbing thing. I seem to have a gift at forseeing things like that...

I highly suggest that everyone read the ending with that song playing. It's so perfect, and gives that total love-y feeling that makes all innards fuzzy and warm.

Anyhow, can't wait for the epilogue!

[Naeryn]

SeeXthroughXme - Wow. That's high praise... As a matter of fact, I do have another fic lined up for the posting. Keep your eyes open for Adrienne!

willohand - Just what I was going for!

SakuraEtsuko - you come out of hiding to leave me feedback just in time for the end, lol. Thanks so much, I'm glad you liked it.

sam - Good to know that I reached you, if you know what I mean.

Leafsdude - Hey again, David! Yes. Damn the Sheila. Not to be confused, of course, with a sheila. Kangaroos rock. Anywho... You liked the choice of song, then? I have this Xena/Gabrielle video to it, and it just seemed so perfect that I couldn't NOT use it.

[hr]
Screw the reposting of the disclaimers. I feel like being rebellious and not posting it on this, my last bit...



EPILOGUE

She reached out one long, slender finger, running it lightly over the faint lines of scars marring the otherwise unblemished skin of her wrist. Tara lay on the bed she shared with Willow in the dorm room. The colouring of this room wasn’t nearly so dark as the room she’d had the year she met her love, but still they hung the little Christmas lights – fairy lights – around the room.

Tara tugged the blanket wrapped around her closer to her face and inhaled deeply. They’d long since discarded Willow’s old sweatshirt – or most of it. Tara had kept a large square from the unbloodied side. Since then, every time she or Willow had worn out an article of clothing, she’d kept a piece of it and stitched it to the sweatshirt. Now she had a large blanket of assorted fabrics and bits of old clothes, from both her and Willow.

A smile broke on her face as she smelled traces of their lovemaking from the night before, mingled with the scents of her, of Willow, and of the rose incense they burned on a regular basis.

The door creaked open and the slender redhead slipped in. “Hey, baby. You ready to go?” She smiled at Tara, seating herself easily on the end of the bed they shared. Willow reached out, lightly tracing her finger over Tara’s thigh.

“They’re… they’re almost gone, Will.” Tara met her lover’s eyes, her own shining with tears. “I can’t believe it.”

Willow inched her way up the bed a little and leaned forwards, pressing her lips lightly against Tara’s. “That’s the way it works, baby. They’ll never be completely gone… but scars fade, and pain eases, and life moves on. There will always be something there, but eventually… it won’t matter so much anymore. All that will really matter is that it’s over.”

Snaking her arms around Willow’s waist, Tara pulled her close. “You’re so good to me… I love you, so much.”

Willow smiled. “Come on, baby. Let’s go meet the gang. Three years is a big milestone. We should celebrate.”

Tara returned the look and stood up, smoothing her long skirt back down over her thighs, and followed her lover out the door.

*****

Willow tugged on Tara’s hand, drawing her through the open door of the Bronze. Tara tilted her head forwards, letting her hair cascade over her face to mask her features. She smiled, feeling Willow’s arm move from her hand to wrap firmly around her waist, pulling Tara close. Willow always seemed to know what she needed.

Gently she nudged Willow’s shoulder, pointing at a table near the dance floor. “Will, everyone’s there.” Together they walked over, worming their way between couples making an approximation of dancing and couples devouring each other to stand in the small pocket of space around the table.

A bright smile gracing her features, Buffy walked around the table and threw her arms around Tara. “Hey, Tara. How you doing?” She backed off a little and spoke to her in hushed tones. “If it gets too packed in here for you, or if you and Will want to leave, just give me a little wave and take off. I’ll make your excuses.”

Tara smiled thankfully. “Thanks, B-Buffy.” The blond smiled and backed away, letting Xander step in to give Tara a big bear hug.

“Hey, Tara. I’m glad you could join us.” His words carried more than what he said, and she smiled, understanding. She was glad she’d found them all too.

Anya stepped up then, pulling Tara into an abrupt embrace that would have seemed perfunctory if it weren’t so vehement. To everyone’s surprise, save, perhaps, Tara’s, she smiled and simply said, “I’m so glad.”

Giles was the next to step forwards. “You’ve done so well for yourself, Tara.” He gave her a fatherly squeeze, communicating to the young woman the affection he felt for her. He paused a moment to reflect on the day she told them.

[center]Tara walked into Giles’ apartment last, followed closely by Willow who’s hand held hers tightly. She looked incredibly nervous. She’d been with Willow for a year at that point, and had become reasonably good friends with everyone.

Conscious of her self-consciousness, Buffy, Dawn, Xander, Anya and Giles all looked in her direction, but not directly at her. She spoke hurriedly.

“Hi, um, g-guys. I k-kind of have to t-tell you some things. A-about me. See, I… over this year, W-Willow’s been… helping me. To… to stop… um, s-something. I’ve…” She sighed tiredly, unsure how to proceed.
Willow stepped up a little closer behind her, wrapping one arm around the blond’s waist and allowing her to lean back for support. Tara smiled thankfully, and decided to just plunge ahead. She reached for her sleeve and tugged it up a little.

“I’ve got some… p-problems. I’ve b-b-been t-treated badly by my, um, family, and I… I thought I d-deserved it. So I started treating myself b-badly too.” She paused, stilling her hand on her arm. “You have to understand w-where I was c-coming from.”

Dawn looked over, meeting Tara’s eyes and nodding, half to herself. No one else saw it, but Tara smiled warmly at her. Dawn understood. “I was in a lot of p-pain, and… then it became h-habit. Like an a-addiction. I… I c-cut myself.”

The room fell silent then, as everyone withdrew into themselves, thinking about this. They all liked, even loved the shy witch very much, and it pained them to think of her hurting so much. Dawn was the first one to return, mentally, to the room they all were in. Remaining silent, she simply stood and walked over to Tara, pulling her into a hug. All had followed shortly.[/center]

Dawn tapped on Giles’ shoulder, snapping him out of his reverie. He backed off then, allowing the young woman – it was still strange to think of the girl in that context – to take her turn hugging Tara. After that day, they’d made arrangements, something similar to a phone tree but less formal, so that Tara could call anyone for help if she couldn’t reach Willow. It turned out that the people she called most often, aside from her lover, were Dawn and, to everyone’s astonishment, Anya. But Tara knew that the ex-demon understood a lot more than she knew how to express.

Anya had been there for Tara as she was trying to find her own niche in the Scooby core. Though many of the things the woman said were crude, vulgar and rude, she herself wasn’t. In her own way, she showed a unique understanding of the human condition. She simply didn’t know how to share that with everyone else, except, it seemed, for Tara. The only one to accept her as she was.

The ex-demon was lost in thoughts of her own, remembering the first time Tara had called her.

[center]The phone rang in Anya’s apartment. The woman was surprised, Xander was working that night and none of the others ever called her. She expected it to be a telemarketer, and she found them particularly irritating. They were asking her for money when she had none. Nevertheless, she picked up the phone. “Hello?”

“A-Anya?”

“Tara? Is that you? Are…” Anya’s eyes widened. “Are you all right?”

She could hear Tara breathing hard on the other end of the connection, she could practically hear her sweat. “N-no, I d-don’t… can you c-come over here? W-Willow’s out, and B-Buffy’s out, and D-Dawn has…”

“Yes.” Anya had cut her off before she could continue. “I’ll be there in five minutes.” She’d hung up the phone, grabbed her coat and shoes, and bolted out the door. She hadn’t even really known why at the time, just that Tara was nice, and now she was hurting, and that wasn’t good.
That night she’d sat in Tara’s room, holding her as she cried. Anya couldn’t make out most of her words, just the occasional one. ‘hates me’ and ‘bad’ and all sorts of names that the ex-demon suspected Tara was referring to herself with. She’d just held her, and felt needed for the first time, really.[/center]

Anya smiled inwardly. She’d found a good friend that night, in a way that she’d never expected. She didn’t really care that Tara had called everyone else first, if she’d been someone like Tara and in that situation, she probably would have called herself last too. She blinked, trying to work out the logic in that phrase.

Sitting down on one of the high stools at the table, Tara leaned back against Willow, feeling the redhead’s arms slip over her shoulders and hold her close. She looked around the table, watching all of her friends. Buffy and Dawn and Giles all talking and laughing together, Xander and Anya flirting back and forth the way they always did. Tara smiled, letting herself be happy. She was surrounded by family, real family, and a woman she loved more than she thought possible, and, amazingly, loved her back. She had no doubts that Willow loved her, not like she had at first. She could feel the energy pulsing off of the woman behind her, she basked in it, bathed in it. It lit her up from the inside out.

Tara tilted her head back, staring up into bright green eyes that shone with love for her, and just a hint of lust and passion. Those eyes, those hands, that body, she knew it all better than her own. She closed her eyes, letting Willow’s radiance wash over her. Home. I’m home… and I’m happy. And I deserve this.

[Naeryn]

AUTHOR'S NOTE

I’ve written here one side of self-injury. This problem is a lot more serious than it’s made out here. I’ve tried not to sugar-coat it, as that would be counter productive, but there is no real way to describe self-injury. The best thing you can do is educate yourself, and know that people who harm themselves aren’t insane. Indeed, they’re quite sane, perfectly reasonable, and come from all walks of life.

Self injury is a coping mechanism. It helps people deal with a range of negative emotions, and is often used as a means to express those emotions. A lot of self injurers suffer from mood swings and morbidly low self esteem.

Hundreds of reasons exist for people to self harm. The most common ones given are as a form of punishment, meted out to the self for reasons that a majority would consider ludicrous, ie. Punishment for being ugly, or stupid, or worthless. Usually these things aren’t true, and aren’t things you’d normally be punished for. However, the self injurer often has a slightly twisted view of themselves, and experience an intense dislike or even hatred of themselves.

EXCERPTED FROM STEVEN LEVENKRON’S ‘CUTTING’

“The cutter is often a white woman, middle class of above average intelligence who began cutting herself in adolescence. she has low self-esteem and may suffer from bouts of depression. she has trouble relating to people and forming intimate relationships. despite her smarts and education, she has an extremely hard time articulating her thoughts and feelings and a seemingly insatiable need for love and acceptance. because she did not internalize positive nurturing skills from her parents, she does not take very good care of herself and feels that she is too bad a person "to deserve comforts or luxuries."

The cutter is someone who experiences herself as powerless. she may not be docile, timid or shy in public; she may even be quite outgoing. but no matter how outgoing or confident she seems, she feels alone wherever she is, different from everyone around her, an outsider. she is often plagued by a fear of punishment - usually from a parent - for being deficient, inadequate, a disappointment in a way that was either specifically defined for her, or one that is unspoken but understood."

Like the anorexic, she may feel that she has no one to depend upon or trust with her emotions. that feeling alone will produce fearfulness most of the time, even when there is no immediate cause to fear. so, what we know about this person is that she is afraid, and she may hide behind obsessional thinking or eating disorders as well as self-mutilation to gain relief from her constant state of fear. she is seeking all the relief she can find from her fearfulness. often, she is a high achiever in some area, whether it is in academics, the arts, or athletics. at the same time, she may ignore (and usually does) subjects that don't interest her. her school record may fluctuate from a's to f's.

She is often apologetic even when she has done nothing to apologize for. she is fearful of what she sees as the imminent danger or resentment others will feel toward her. sometimes, her frequent gratuitous apologies steming from this fear will annoy and alienate those friends closest to her. she may interpret their withdrawl as an indication that she has been offensive or not apologetic enough and increase the very behavior that repels those around her. still, she is a person generally liked by her peer group, who may identify on a very small scale with her vulnerability, a vulnerability that most of them are also experiencing to a lesser degree."

The self-mutilator has a history of being hurt, harmed or molested. when this is the case, mistrust is her security. she will constantly look for opportunities to mistrust helpers. she often invites harming behavior from her helpers thus confirming her need to mistrust them, as well as her need to hide and protect herself from those who seek to help her. she may do this in a passive manner by not talking during therapy sessions. seeming to daydream in order to escape any connection with her therapist, she is in fact constantly testing. her need to protect herself from others by mistrusting them could frustrate the less than determined helper. life has taught the self-harmer not to trust anyone, or in less severe cases, to be extremely wary. she will set up many tests for a person to pass before taking even a limited chance to risk such trust.”

This does not, of course, mean that all cutters are women. There are many more recorded cases of self injury among women than among men, but that doesn’t necessarily mean anything – would you be eager to come forwards and add yourself to the statistics?

There are three common types of self-injury. Psychotic self injury includes the removal or amputation of body parts, usually the eyes, ears, genitals, and digits such as fingers and toes. Occasionally entire limbs are removed. Most often, this type of self injury is related to video or audio hallucinations, and not a need to hurt oneself.

Organic self injury usually consists of banging one’s head against objects repeatedly, biting one’s lip so hard it bleeds, and trichotillomania, or the compulsive ripping out of your hair.

Typical self injury is, naturally, the most common kind. Due to emotional or psychological reasons not related to the psychotic, that is, delusions, ‘hearing voices’, etc., or to physical disabilities or disorders. This is the type of self injury that’s used as a coping mechanism, for intense emotions. There are many different ways this kind of self injury manifests.

Cutting, also known as slicing or slashing, is the most prevalent. The most common occurrences are incisions on the arms, legs, wrists and chest, but occasionally someone will cut their face, stomach, neck, breasts or genitals.

Burning is probably the next most common. A burner usually employs matches, striking them and letting them burn out on the skin, or a lighter, heating it up and pressing the hot metal against the arm, thigh, or hip. People have also burned themselves with cigarettes and stove elements.

Ever picked a scab? That’s another form of self injury, if done often enough, with conscious thought. Some people will interfere with their wounds healing, in extreme ways such as removing stitches early or opening their wounds with pins.

A lot of other disorders coexist with self injury, the most common ones being substance abuse and eating disorders such as anorexia and bulimia. A lot of individuals who harm themselves have suffered some form of trauma, possibly abuse or sexual abuse. To many of these people, self injury is a way of keeping control of the pain. During an abusive episode, the abusee has no control whatsoever, experiencing utter helplessness, hopelessness, violation and powerlessness. This often results in one of many reactions that may be considered strange to someone who’s never felt that way – guilt. Thus, self injury allows one to regain that power over themselves, even if it is only through pain.

Disassociation has been connected to self injury time and time again. Most people have at some point felt ‘outside their skin’, disconnected from the world around them. If you’ve ever been in that state and stubbed your toe, you’ll know that pain has an immediate grounding effect. Self injury can enable someone to enter a disassociative state, thereby relieving them of emotional pain, or ground them again.

Overall, there are several important things to remember. Self injury has no age limits. There have been reported cases of self injury starting as young as five years, and there have been people who have harmed themselves until their deaths. However, self injury is NOT the same as suicide. Suicide is an attempt to end one’s life, self injury is a survival tactic. Self injury IS, in fact, addictive. When you get hurt, your brain releases serotonin, a naturally occurring drug that acts as a painkiller and a sedative. This is why self injury can help with emotional pain. However, the brain can become reliant on the action of cutting in order to release serotonin, and not create it the rest of the time. This is why over time, people find themselves cutting deeper, burning more, hitting themselves more.

IF YOU SELF INJURE: Don’t be ashamed of it. Too many people feel shame over their scars, bruises and wounds. A lot of people don’t understand self injury, and a lot of people find it disgusting. You shouldn’t feel ashamed or embarrassed; it’s simply a coping mechanism. Yes, it’s unhealthy, yes, you should stop, but that’s a hard thing to do. If you self injure or are considering it and want to talk, email myself at astarael_ebony@hotmail.com, or visit www.recoveryourlife.com, the net’s largest self-harm community, full of supportive, understanding people.

[Leafsdude]

Beautiful ending to a lovely story. Thanks for the great fic, and I, too, look forward to more!

[Still Waters T]

Hey Megan

I'm kinda sad to see this fic finished. But kudos for an amazing fic. And I even learned things from it. Although I've heard of self mutilating like cutting before - I learned more about it here. I've also read up a bit more about it after this fic started. Trying to learn more about it since I find it interesting and all. (Anyone who knows me and my study habits might just raise an eyebrow at me researching sensible things and such like this) On occasion I do like doing research and learning - I just have a problem researching something if I have to research a specific something. I.e. if for instance I have to reseach for something for school - the last time I started researching pregnancy instead for a while (I got caught up in a couple pregnancy documentaries on Discover lol). And if I have to write a paper, I'll feel like writing something completely different, having nothing to do with school. ...I think I got way off track here.

You've really stayed true to the characters, and improved on lol for instance Buffy's character; made her a better, smarter, and less self involved as she tended to be sometimes on the show. How Willow has handled the cutting and Tara was great, and just how I would imagine she would. You've made Tara and her background history, along with her thoughts and feelings very believable - it's like the reader's there, so we get a real impression of what she's going through. And the smut was soo droolworthy lemme tell ya! That scene where Tara ties Willow to the bed - Oh My Gawd!

The fic has had just the right amount of tummy rumbling angst, like when those guys were mean to Tara in class ; the romance of it was so sweet it makes ya kinda envious lol; and the friendship they had with the Scoobies was awesome.

One of the updates that really stand out; that I just have to comment more on is the update on May 17th: It made me go from totally pissed off at those guys! I wouldn't have minded Buffy accidentally mistaking those guys for vamps and kicked their asses. I can't believe people like that actually exist. And it went to an extreme caring and sweetness, that just makes you sigh. We all know Willow doesn't exactly love to sing; mind numbing fear might be an appropriate term for her and singing. But still she sang to Tara, to calm her, sooth her, let her know she really cares. And then she said this:

“Can I be your garden? You be my little flower, and I’ll be your home, and take care of you, and keep you safe?”

And omg, sweetness. That was so lovely. I can't even describe it, but wow!

Baby, no! Of course not! I could never pity you. You’re too strong. I don’t pity you, I’m proud of you.

I don't think I would have been able to come up with that response to Tara's question. But it's so true. And later when they finally made love; it was the right moment, and it was just beautiful.

Their time spent at Willow's home was so cozy and very sweet as well. And lol I just loved this:

She had her girlfriend’s number, all right. Little pervert. My little pervert… she grinned

I'm glad to see Tara knows, really knows, that Willow is truly her's.

Amazing fic. Hope we get to read many many more fics from you. If you want to be a writer (a payed on, that is) - you do have a gift for writing.

Liv

[willohand]

I cant say enough words about this wonderful sad painful heart wrenching
story.You know how much you have touched me with this dont you?
If I havent been clear enough...I cried the first time I read the very first chapter.And I found myself crying more and more into this.
Im eitting here crying now but these are happy tears.
Good for Tara to find in herself what has always been there but covered by pain and deeply hidden by the lies from her family. You do know you have to continue with this maybe set the stage for them into their relationship 5 years later with Tara as a counselor or something helping others who are in her position.
OKAY SORRY JUST A THOIUGHT.NOT TRYING TO TELL YOU HOW TO WRITE YOUR STORY.I THINK IT WOULD BE INTERESTING IS ALL.
Again thank you for this.Oh and thanks for your getting the word out about hurting one self.

[SeeXthroughXme]

Only one word can truely explain what you said, and wrote.

Amazing....

Hope to see more from you, much love.

[sam]

Oh my god..wow..that was so amazing . And anya..awwwwww. I hope to read more from you too. Love sam xx

[cperrins78]

I truly enjoyed this story from start to finish. Thanks so much for writing it. I loved Anya in the epilogue, I smiled through her whole flashback.




Christina

[HalfCamel]

Hey hey. I got a little behind on the fb cuz I started my summer courses already and I'm taking 6 hrs and it's hectic and blah blah blah, and this the first story I've read in a long while, so here goes...

The last chapter: I hated seeing Tara go through her insecurities again. It seemed like she was taking a step back from their last conversation, but understandably so. There's always the pressure of meeting a lover's parents, but then add on everything else she was going through and it was gonna be hard.

Willow's mom sucks ass! When I read "You thought I wouldn’t understand?”, for some strange reason I thought that maybe maybe maybe she kinda would. But then for her to say those things, and in front of Tara no less, was beyond horrible.

Tara's running out was understandable, and I didn't think she was gonna cut herself again but I couldn't imagine what it was she reached for under the bed.

I thought the ending was perfect. Willow loving and reassuring Tara, Tara being proud of herself and not liking Willow's mother.... all perfect.

The epilogue: This was one of my favorite parts. All the Scoobies coming together and loving and accepting and understanding and helping. It's the way real family should be.

The scars.... it's like Willow said "scars fade, and pain eases, and life moves on", but they're there to remind you of what's happened and how far you've come. Many people shy way from and are embarrassed by scars, but I've always liked them... they all have a story to tell. Maybe cuz I have them, or maybe I'm just weird.

The author's note: Thank you for the information. I'd known of cutting and self-injury and such, but I never really quite understood it. I understand it more now.

Thank you for this story. I don't really know how to articulate my praise, but you have it. I hope you grace us with some more of your writings. I believe you said there was another to come (or maybe I need my meds refilled ) so I'll eagerly await it.

[GayNow]

Yeah yeah...so I'm late to ANOTHER party....and not even fashionably so...I know, I suck.

I enjoyed this story, Megan. You did some nice things with very difficult subject matter. I really think you could stand to write a sequel to this one -- long term effects of Tara's condition. The Scoobies obviously know. But what about the rest of the world? Tara and Willow are helpers. Do they help others deal with their own issues? Could be an interesting place to go.

I'm looking forward to more from you. Keep up the good work.

Carleen

[notl33t]

This is a really awesome fic! Self-injury is something that I've dealt with, mostly because some of my friends (male and female) have done it to deal with other things in their life. Thank you for presenting it without making it seem shameful...it seemed that you were just exposing it for what most self-injurers use it for, as a coping mechanism.

I hope to read more fics that you write in the future.

[quirked_out]

First, let me thank you from the depths of my heart, you didn't cheapen this like so many have before. It' s real, it hurts, and stays with a person for a long time.

I had a very good friend, she was the first to help me develop my own personality, she was my first true friend. I loved her and I know she loved me. She had a very serious cutting problem. I tried very hard to help, but she fell too far and too fast.

I'm sad to say we no longer talk, I had to end our frienship because I hurt so much. I don't like to accept failure, it hurt when I realized there was nothing I could do.

But your story gave me hope, maybe I wasn't the right person to help her. I pray that someone out there is.

Thanks, hope is hard to come by.

- quirked

[Naeryn]

Of course I didn't cheapen it. I wrote this story for a largely therapeutic purpose. At the time I began, I was not in a relationship. I wrote about what I longed to find, and I wrote out of personal experience.

Several people said that it was like they were there, they could understand the self-injurer's perspective because the thoughts, the feelings, all were expressed well. I tried to do justice to those feelings, because I have felt them all myself.

I used to self injure, and still struggle against it today. I wanted to increase awareness and reduce prejudice, and, if my story could do that for just one person, I consider it a success, and a good investment of my time and energy - because I put a lot of that into it.

I'm just glad to know that even now, so long after it's been completed, it's still appreciated.

[AmberGoddess]

That was an amazing fic! It was beautiful. Btw- I hate Willow's mom.

[lavenderangel]

I attempted to register for an account to leave you feedback, but I already have one. Who knew?

I really liked aspects of this fic. I liked Tara's inclusion into the group and supportive Buffy and Xander. I'm not a fan of songfics or ones that use lyrics constantly, but I like that it did relate back to their relationship.

There were only two things that bothered me. I felt the girls got together really fast, and the exchanging of I love yous was definitely too early. Willow's pain over Oz and then sudden "love" for Tara felt really abrupt. Also, the use of pet names seemed to happen out of nowhere. I always assumed that was something that came with time.

I really liked the concept of this, mixing more personal issues in with season 4. Tara's SI was really well executed, but the ending felt really abrupt as well.

I don't mean to be really negative (I wouldn't leave such rambling feedback if I didn't enjoy it, I promise). This was a really sweet read. I just like to be honest with feedback. thank you for writing this.