The Questions and (un)-Answers game

[Twisted Minstrel]

A: No, but they do frequently suffer from low-back pain and sciatica, requiring heavy doses of assorted pain medications - which explains all the mindless crap they often subject us to.

Q: Swimming - community pool, private pool or favorite swimming hole down over yonder?

[inlerf]

A: None, because they all have man-eating sharks. Unless of course you're a female and/or with a female, and the hotter you/she is the better as then the warm water drives the sharks away; as everyone knows, sharks' fins melt in hot water.

Q: Why are there infatuations?

[Twisted Minstrel]

A: Because not everyone is 'out' yet. Besides, their opposite, 'insinuations' are just boring. Much better to be clear about these things.

Q: Why, when you are packing, do the number of boxes and the amount of stuff you need to put into them never match?

[Artemis]

A: The basic equation is:

n(v) = A +- d x a(f^t) - {(P x G x p) / (k x e)}

Where:

n = number of boxes,
v = volume per box (measured in squirrels - see the findings of the Central Park Laboratory for the latest data on storing squirrels in boxes),
A = the amount of stuff you need to pack up,
d = the distance you're planning to travel,
a = the difference in altitude between where you are and where you're going,
f^t = the amount of fir trees that could grow on a, if a were altitude above sea level, in a temperate climate,
P = Planck's constant (or the year your toaster was manufacturered, whichever is easier to find out),
G = the universal gravitational constant, measurable by buying a goldfish, feeding the goldfish, and asking it to tell you,
p = Plunck's constant, the exact frequency of the 'plunck' noise your newly-acquired goldfish makes when you pour it out of the plastic bag of water and into its fishtank,
k = your post count on the Kitten board, and
e = everything else.

Note that the difference between n (number of boxes) and A (amount of stuff) is either positive or negative; the best current theory as to which will be the case is that if the universe is expanding until it reaches the limits of its kinetic energy, whereupon it will contract again to a hypermass, then you'll have more stuff to pack than boxes to pack them in. If, on the other hand, the universe's kinetic energy exceeds its gravitational mass, and will therefore continue expanding forever, you'll have more boxes than you need.

Nine out of ten astro-hyperphysicists consider this to be a sound theory. The observable fact that people can, on different occasions, produce different results with regard to the box/stuff differential, is taken as evidence that the universe hasn't made up its mind yet, and it just winging it on the assumption that it'll all work out okay one way or another.

Q: I'm hungry. What should I eat?

[DelWhicker]

A: Monkey cake ala mode

Q: Why was the devil in a blue dress and not a red one?

[Emms]

A: It was a hand-me-down from his sister.

Q: why do the white jelly beans taste like the hospital?

[kindagay]

A: It's the aftertaste of the bleach that's used to make them white.

However, I think the more relevent question is...

Q: when and why did Emms eat a hospital?

Hugs
Jeanne

[Candleshoe]

A: I think that maybe she just licked a nurse. For fun. As one does...

Q: How come it is still summery here? We've had a couple of nice days, shouldn't it be autumn by now?

Artemis: . Once again giving me the biggest and best laugh of my day.

[Twisted Minstrel]

A: There is an entire process devoted to the fine details of Autumnal presentation which do not usually present themselves until a proper analysis has been properly presented to the proper office at the proper time, usually following the aforementioned 'summary' which, to this reader's understanding, is not, in fact, a proper analysis. Come back in two weeks with the proper paperwork and someone will be happy to assist you.

Q: Where do we go when we've already gone?

[Candleshoe]

A: Somewhere over the rainbow....

Q: Am I the only one who still finds Friends funny, even after seeing each episode a million times?

TM: Ha ha. Now stop reading my work letters and nicking bits to post here...

[Twisted Minstrel]

A: No. Friends is perfection. Friends will never die. Syndication rules.

Q: Who stole my Pretenders CDs?

[DelWhicker]

A: One of Emms' flying monkeys took it. See her and I'm sure it'll be returned it to you. Possibly covered in monkey poop.

Q: Why does the phone always ring when I'm in the shower?

[Emms]

A: 'cos it wants to see you naked!

Q: Where have all the flowers gone...?

ETA: I am highly offended. My monkeys would do no such thing.

xoxo
Emms

[DelWhicker]

My dear...your monkeys are misbehaving! Who do you think told the UPS guy that you left?? Hmmm???

A: Girls have picked them every one.

Q: When will they ever learn?

[Candleshoe]

A: When I teach them. .

Q: Nipples on men. Why?

Emms - your monkeys wouldn't steal, but you would lick a nurse?

[Emms]

A: To keep them distracted so that they wont want to touch ours.

B: <------- why is this guy so judgemental?

ETA: My monkeys are well behaved monkeys...they would never steal now....about me licking nurses...? it's my reward for keeping such orderly and pleasant flying monkeys.

xoxo
Emms

[Twisted Minstrel]

A: He was picked on as a child by his big sister who went on to host a game show called ' The Weakest Link.'

Q: Why do so many people like socks (eew)?

And I'm sure Emms monkeys are just charming and if she wants to go and lick nurses, I know one or two who would be happy of such attentions.

[oneyedchicklet]

A: Because the didn't want them to be jealous of bras.

Q: What if D-O-G really spelled Cat?

Emms, here's some extra chicken nuggets for your Monkeys.

HUGS
Barb

[Emms]

A: Then the world would go up in flame and we would all die a fiery death.

Q: What is the 7th letter in the alphabet?

My monkeys accept your nuggets, barb. And they thank you very much.

[SithLordWiccan]

A: Z.

Q: Does anyone else think that Emms is crossing over into TMI territory?

[oneyedchicklet]

A: Emms lives in TMI land. She wanders out from time to time and we just send her back.

Q: Why is the Whitehouse not painted blue?

HUGS
Barb

[Darth Pacula]

A: Because planes kept flying into it, and the US government peons got sick of rebuilding it over and over.

Q: I've been trying to telepathically explode telemarketer's heads over the phone. Why hasn't it been working?

[inlerf]

A: Because telemarketers are essential to counter the good forces in this world; balance is ehvareethang!

Q: Why do I keep automatically check out people's butts?

[Tiggrscorpio]

A. You're obviously addicted to crack.

Q. Why does grass grow so quickly?

[Useful_Oxymoron]

A : Because it wants to escape from the savage earthworms patrolling the soil.

Q : A popular proverb is 'step on a crack, break your mother's back'. Considering the number of pavements and the number of people in the world, how come the hospitals aren't filled to the brim with mothers experiencing spinal injuries?

[oneyedchicklet]

A: When a woman goes to the hospital with a back injury, she's asked to fill out a questionaire. (I've had to do it myself). The very first question is "Are you a mother? The second question is "Could one of your children have stepped on a crack". If the answer to both questions are yes, a private "mother ambulance" is called to transport these women to a facility called "Brokeback Hospital". This facility was built so regular hospitals are not overloaded and to keep room for people with other ailments.

Q: Why is the green M&M the only female?

HUGS
Barb

[Useful_Oxymoron]

A : Actually, all M&M's are genderless creatures, but in the line of Orwell's Animal Farm, some M&M's are more genderless than others.

Q : Why did the chicken really cross the road?

[Twisted Minstrel]

A: She was bi-curious.

Q: If sweet dreams are made of this, what is this made of?

[DelWhicker]

A: Marshmallow fluff, dark chocolate and a smidge of peanut buddeh.

Q: Why is it the more one tries NOT to get bleach on their clothes, the more bleach actually gets on the clothes?

[inlerf]

A: Bleach knows one's truest, deepest, darkest, desires....

Q: What should I do to not spaz up when I go talk to my crush?