by Artemis » Tue May 16, 2006 10:23 am
A: The lab, freshly rebuilt and redecorated following the disastrous ginger/wasabi debacle (which was at one stage reported to be a 'disaster', but it was downgraded to 'debacle' when the security camera footage of people being horribly killed and so on was redubbed with comedic sound effects, a la Funniest Home Videos, and everyone agreed it was much nicer then), quickly swung into action.
Flipping back your blonde hair does, it seems, make you stupider. Testing indicated that the degree of stupidification is the same for male and female test subjects, but varied according to hair length and volume. Autopsies on those test subjects who signed the release forms without reading them first determined that this is because hair is in fact connected directly to the brain, with each strand of hair originating in a brain cell, and growing out through microscopic holes in the skull. It seems that the purpose of hair is to serve as heat sinks to keep the brain from overheating due to excessive thought. Shaving your head is therefore not something to be done lightly - testing indicates that some brains in shaved heads are able to adapt and channel heat directly out the ears, but not all, and it's a distinct possibility that you'll just fry your brain.
Flipping your hair causes the opposite problem - the sudden, extreme air movement over the hair follicles causes them to immediately dump all their heat, which in turn saps heat out of the brain at a faster rate than necessary. Excessive hair-flipping thus causes Neuro-Follicular Hypothermia (NFH), or to put it more simply, your brain turns into an ice cube. According to the criteria laid down for the test, only blond hair was tested - it is expected that the effect of hair colour will be proportionately identical in flip and non-flip states, but further testing should be undertaken to determine this.
The relevance of bras to the problem was hotly disputed by researchers. Some of them argued that the pushing up of a bra, being linked in the popular mind to the hair-flip, was in fact a subconscious symptom of NFH, and thus had no direct link to levels of stupidity. Others argued that, as 78% of male test subjects were shown to conduct at least some cognitive activity in their genitalia (again, the external positioning aiding in dispersing heat), it was possible that women were using their breasts in the same manner, as a kind of parallel mathematical sub-processor with easy access to cooling airflow, especially on more laid-back beaches. Thus, squeezing the breasts in a pushed-up bra has the same effect as squeezing your brain - your IQ gets all mushed up and you start believing everything they say on TV and picking up CIA transmissions on your fillings. This second group of researchers also concluded that silicon breast implants were a wonderful idea, if only they were constructed with proper circuitry pathways, instead of just being big bags of pointless goop.
The effect of a man wearing a bra and pushing it up was undetermined. Most test subjects were notably embarrassed, and so returned results that didn't fairly reflect their normal psychological state. Those test subjects who didn't mind (and in some cases provided their own lingerie) suggested that men may be immune to Ascendant Brassiere Neuro-Impairement, but due to the lack of lingerie created with both the limited male breast size and larger groin size in mind, excessive compaction of the testicular sub-processors causes essentially the same amount of neurological damage. Tailored lingerie is recommended for male cross-dressers.
In conclusion, yes, there is scientific evidence to suggest that flipping blonde (or other) hair and pushing up bras does cause a lowering of intelligence. Gender has no bearing on the process however, and none of the male test subjects became girls during testing. Well, except for one, but that was only because he wandered into the wrong lab.
Q: How do you tell the difference between a frog and a toad?
