Author: Katie AKA Luv4WillTara
Spoilers: AU fic..
Disclaimer: All characters belong to Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy Inc. etc.
Summary: Willow tries to cope with her feelings for Tara.
Feedback: YES PLEASE.
Authors notes: This fic is kind of angsty, so if that’s not your cup of tea, I suggest reading something else. Also, this fic is done in first person perspective (Willow’s perspective) so if that’s also not your cup of tea, then this will be quite an unpleasing fic for some of you. But I hope you give it a chance.
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Chapter One
It was awkward. I knew it would be, but I didn’t know that it would be this bad. I looked over at Tara who was sitting on the couch, watching The Nightmare Before Christmas, a movie that she and I used to love to watch together, and I cringed at how awkward things had become between us. They had been ever since I told Tara that I loved her a month ago. They had been ever since she rejected me.
“It’s a nice day,” Tara said to me. I didn’t bother responding. I had been doing that a lot lately. I just sat there on the ground beside the couch, thinking about how awkward it had become between Tara and I. I heard her sigh behind me, and the sound stabbed through my heart. I knew that I was being unfair to her, but it hurt too much to respond. I sat conflicted on the floor, not wanting to cause Tara pain, but wanting to at the same time. I was mad; I couldn’t help it. I wanted her to know what it was like to feel rejected, but I also wanted her to know what it was like to feel loved. I groaned internally at my contradictory mind while I massaged my forehead to try and clear my thoughts.
“It’s a nice day,” Tara said a little louder, causing me to jump slightly. I hadn’t expected her to repeat her previous statement.
“I suppose,” I said unenthusiastically. I hated myself at the moment. I wanted things to go back to the way they were, but I knew that they never could. Things had changed. The moment Tara had turned me down, a part of me had shut down. I had lost my peppy, enthusiastic self. I was a mere shell of what I was. I think it was the way she rejected me that had such a negative effect on me. I remember it like it was yesterday:
She was sitting on the couch in her apartment, and I was lying with my head on her lap. The TV was on, but I wasn’t really watching it. All I could really focus on was my body touching hers. I remember she was stroking my hair and giggling along with the television; both actions were making my heart beat faster.
“I wonder why people find monkeys cute,” Tara said as I looked over at the TV screen for the first time that night to see two monkeys jumping on a branch. I looked up at Tara and waited for her to finish her thought.
“I mean, they just look like small, hairy people. They’re actually kind of ugly, but when I look at them, I find them completely adorable!” It was such a simple statement, yet it was such a “Tara” thing to say. For some reason, that simple “Tara” statement turned my insides to goo. I knew that I wanted to spend my entire life with this woman because I knew that I wanted a lifetime of simple “Tara” statements; little sentences that would mean nothing to a passer-by, but would mean the world to me. And that’s when I did it. I got up off her lap, looked her right in the eyes and I told her I loved her. She smiled and said she loved me too. I knew she had misinterpreted what I said.
“ No Tara, I’m in love with you,” I said a little uneasily. I felt like I might pass out. She sat there looking stunned.
“I love you Willow,” Tara replied, and I was so ecstatic that I didn’t hear the ‘as a friend’ part. I felt so amazing that I went in to capture those lips that I had fantasized about for so long. I was only an inch or two away when she stopped me and repeated the part that I had missed the first time.
“As a friend, Willow. I love you as a friend!” And that’s when my world fell apart. I had one second of feeling like I was flying, and then all too soon, I was ripped out of the sky, and brutally thrown back down to earth. It was my turn to be stunned. I was confused as to how someone I loved so much could completely bust my heart like that. And then I cried. I sat there and cried, and when she tried to touch me, I ran. I ran back to my apartment, locked the door and cried. And that’s how it went for the next two weeks. I stayed locked in my apartment, and I cried until I had nothing left to cry. Then I just sat. I didn’t talk to anyone. It wasn’t until I ran out of food that I left my apartment. I walked down the street with my face all splotchy and my hair all ratted, and that’s when I walked into her. She had been on her way to my apartment. She looked at me, and half gasped half sighed when she saw my appearance. Tears began to roll down my cheeks when I saw her, and Tara cupped my face and wiped my tears away with her thumbs.
“Oh, Willow,” she said as she pulled me in for a hug. The contact was too much for me to take, and I broke away from her arms. She looked hurt, and I felt bad, but again, I couldn’t help it. If it hadn’t have been for that second of believing that Tara was mine, I think I could have been ok. I would have been heartbroken, but I don’t think I would have completely fallen apart like I did. I expected her to not feel the same way. I expected her to tell me that. But when she made me believe that she did reciprocate my feelings, and then tore that belief away, it was too much for my heart to take.
She told me she missed me and that she wanted us to be friends again. I told her I wasn’t sure that could happen. I didn’t even look at her when I said it, so I don’t really know how she reacted. Her voice trembled a little as she told me that we were going to hang out next week, and before I could say anything she walked off. I turned around and went home, completely forgetting the reason I went out in the first place. The next week she came over to my apartment like she said she would and basically forced me to hang out with her. It was completely awkward. We probably only said 5 words each the whole time we were together. She came by once more, and then she invited me over to her place. I wouldn’t have went if she hadn’t have come and got me. And that brings me back to now, with me sitting on the floor pretending to watch The Nightmare Before Christmas.
“Willow, do you think we could talk?” Tara asked me shyly and sweetly. I looked back at her sitting on the couch looking vulnerable, and my heart broke all over again.
“I think I’m going to go for a walk,” I replied, chastising myself internally for taking the coward’s way out. I got up off the ground and got my shoes.
“I’ll go with you,” Tara said as she up off the couch. I put on my shoes and quickly tied the laces.
“I think I want to walk alone,” I said without looking at her. I opened the door and left without saying goodbye. I wanted so much for this tension to end, for this awkwardness to leave, but I had a feeling that it would be a long time before it did.
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Let me know what you think
although may I say "OUCH!" home, as in too close to
