Willowlovers sad attempt at poetry

[Willowlover]

Okay, this is the crap rough draft version. please tell me what you think and if I make a better version I'll post it.


My Dreams are filled with thoughts of love.
The touch, the feel.
Everything about her is beautifull
Her hair as smooth as silk
Her eyes shine with happiness
We are content.
We are happy and in love.
When I wake up I fill the room with my thoughtless screaming.
Emotions are high as I wish for my dream to be my life.
A life of love.
A life with her.


Please leave feedback even if it's bad I want to be a better poet so please, good and bad, leave feedback.

[Candleshoe]

This is good! I like the way you talk about physical "touchable" stuff like hair and eyes, and follow it with the intangible emotions. Nice progression...

I like the repetition of words too, "Her", "We", "A life" etc, it gives the poem a structure and a rhythm. In this kind of free-form poetry, it can be helpful for a reader to have something to grab hold of, and this works well here.

The bit in the middle where the writer finds that the dream isn't real might benefit from a couple of extra lines, maybe? The contrast is there at the moment, but isn't as strong as perhaps you meant it to be, when it's read for the first time by someone new. You could think about describing what sort of emotions are running through the writer's head. Is it sadness, jealousy, anger, bitterness? All of the above? It might help us to see inside the writer's head a bit more if you can paint a bigger picture...

Just my couple of cents...feel free to ignore. After all, this is your poem, and you can do what you like with it!

[Willowlover]

Thanks for the compliments and advice. After all I did post this so I could find out what people thought and I could make it better. I don't know when I'll fix it up completly but I have been working on it continusly since I started it. This was Just the first part finished. Hopefully when I am truley done it will be longer and more descriptive.

[SJ]

Great poem.

[Willowlover]

SJ

Thanks

[Willowlover]

My Dreams are filled with thoughts of love.
The touch, the feel.
Im filled with her scent.
Her hair as smooth as silk.
Everything about her is beautiful and perfect
Her eyes shine with happiness as I hold her.
We are happy.
We are in love.
When I wake up I fill the room with my thoughtless screaming.
Anger overwhelms me as I wish for my dream to be my life.
A life of love.
A life with her.


sorry its not much better than the original.

[Thianne]

hey, i like this second version better. powerful words

[SJ]

Powerful emotions in your poetry,great writing.

[Willowlover]

[center]Will You

Do you love me like I love you?
Do you want me like I want you?
Do you need me like I need you?
I Love you.
Do you Love me?
You give me Reason to Live.
Do I give you Reason to Live?
You brighten my life.
Do I Brighten Yours?
You are my Everything.
Am I Your Everything?
I Would Marry You.
Will You Marry Me?[/center]

Written July 25, 2006

[Willowlover]

[center]
What Is Love

What is love?
Is love a game?
Is love a joke?
What is love?
I thought I knew.
I thought I loved you.
Am I wrong?
Was I wrong
Do you love me?
Can you tell me,
What love is?
Is love pain?
Is love pleasure?
Can you tell me,
What love is?
If this is love,
Do you love me?
[/center]

Written July 27, 2006

[SJ]

Great poetry.

[Willowlover]

[center]Im Sorry

Im sorry I can't be here for you like you are for me,
Im sorry I can't give you all of me when you give me all of you,
Im sorry that I dont talk to you like you talk to me,
Im sorry I can't be perfect for you like you're perfect for me,
Im sorry I can't love you like you love me,
Im sorry that I can't tell you how long it will be before I can say, Im not sorry[/center]


August 20th, 2006

[SJ]

Great poem.

[Willowlover]

[center]I’m Dead Inside.

I can’t heal my wounds.
Im reaching for the Cure but it wont come to me.
The Cure is one person.
The Cure can’t see my pain.
The Cure Can’t know my pain.
The Cure Is loving.
I Need The Cure.
Without It I’m Nothing.
Without It I’m Dead.
Without Her,
I’m Dead Inside.[/center]

Written September 3rd, 2006

[barnabasvamp]

I can see the progression in your work, and I really like this last one.

BV

[Willowlover]

[center]A Dark World

My world is dark.
My world is gone.
I’m blind by pain.
I’m blind by pleasure.
My world is dark.
I can’t find light.
I jumped into this unknown sea.
I jumped into the dark.
Now i'm blind.
Now i’m lost.
I need a light.
I need to be saved.
Will you save me?
Can you save me?
Or will you get lost in the dark with me?
This Dark Sea is endless and powerful.
The Sky is a light.
The Sky is eternal.
The Sky is all powerful.
Can you take me to the sky?
So I can leave this sea behind.[/center]

Written September 5th, 2006

[Willowlover]

[center]Mind Crash

My mind is gone.
My mind is lost.
I lived my life,
The best I could.
I tried my best,
To keep my cool.
I finally broke.
I finally crashed.
My mind is gone.
My mind is lost.
I failed the world,
And the ones I love.
I failed myself,
And I failed in life.
My mind is gone.
My mind is lost.
Love has destroyed me.
Love has saved me.
Love is my poison.
Love is my serenity.
My mind is gone.
My mind is lost.[/center]

Written September 5th, 2006

[Willowlover]

[center]Pain

A world of pain.
A world of suffering.
A world of black.
My world.
My pain.
My suffering.
A world of black.
A world of pain.
My pain,
Creates my world.
My world creates my pain.
A world of black.
A world of pain.[/center]

Written September 6, 2006

[SJ]

Nice rhythm to your writing.

[Willowlover]

Thanks SJ

[Thianne]

i've been away...but i'm back! like BV said, i can see the progression of your work, too. these last poems seem not only an expression of your personal maturation, but also the maturation of your writing style.

i like the sparse use of the anaphors in your poetry, they underline better certain parts of your verses.

good job, i hope to read more!

[dynigirl]

Willowlover -Your work shows a the journey you have been on to write it. Keep going it is great and will help the journey

[Willowlover]

[center]Tears

A river of tears,
An ocean of pain.
A world of suffering,
A universe of torment.
You were here,
You were my savior.
I’m lost in dark,
With tears in my eyes.
I’m drowning,
In a river of tears.
I want to cry,
But I can’t.
I’m drowning,
In a river of tears[/center]

Written September 15th, 2006

[SJ]

Great poem.

[Willowlover]

[center]My Everything

I’m lost without you.
I can’t find my way,
Out of this cage.
I live enclosed,
In a web of lies.
I live enclosed,
In a web of tears.
I can’t find my way,
Out of this dark.
I wonder through,
This world of pain.
I wonder through,
A world of hurt.
I live in lies.
I live in dark.
I live in pain.
Save me,
From it all.
Free me,
From my world.
Be my wings,
So I can fly.
Be my light,
So I won’t get lost.
Will you,
Be my everything[/center]


Written September 27th, 2006

[SJ]

Great poetry.

[Damned]

wow! really really nice

[Bound2Her]

i liked it alot

[Willowlover]

[center]Light


I found a world.

A world of light.

I left this world.

A world of dark

I found an angel.

She showed me the way.

The way to the path.

A path to a world.

A world of light.[/center]

October 5th, 2006

[SJ]

Great poem.