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Re: Lamplight

Postby Kaia » Sat Feb 24, 2007 5:00 am

DIBS!! :party

*scurries off to read*

ETA: Feedback!

Watty, watty, watty...*sigh*

I had forgotten how angsty Lamplight was, but as I re-read it again, the familiar lump in my throat came back (or maybe i just ate too much today...*sigh*).
Last part had Tara cutting herself off from WIllow and moving away, which was both painful but understandable (even if only after thinking about it a lot...). And ok, Willow is clumsy, but not *that* clumsy...so it's fair to assume that this 'Tiesha' ( :hmm ) made a big impression on her. Big enough that she stopped mid-sentence and dropped her glass...I really wish you had shown us 'Tiesha's' reaction. I bet she was cool and controled and impassive...
Anyway. It's sooooo good to see you finally updating LL. I can't wait to see what you have in store for us. Until next saturday, then! *waves*
Last edited by Kaia on Sat Feb 24, 2007 5:01 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: Lamplight

Postby tazraven » Sat Feb 24, 2007 7:45 am

Aaaaaaaaaaah!! You're gonna just leave me, I mean us, like that?! *Hopes desperately for an update in the next five minutes* Damn. Ok, ok. I'll wait, just not patiently. Great chapter though. It always makes me sad when Willow is all work and no play, but hopefully that will change a bit soon ;-) Eagerly lying in wait for the next chapter...

~Sara
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Re: Lamplight

Postby db » Sat Feb 24, 2007 10:18 pm

i went back and reread the story and whoa. Angst.

Poor Willow - Tara has clearly put up a wall a mile high and a foot thick. I guess I can understand why - there is a lot of fear there, but it is so hurtful and unfair... I actually think that Willow has been more than fair and that Tara has just smooshed her heart into a million pieces ( I kinda want to thunk her on the head).

So now Tara's an exotic dancer or something? I wonder where she went -- I don't understand why she would choose that over Willow. *sniffle*

But now that they are back in each other's lives I'd love to know where Tara has been and what she is up to -- and *especially* a vivid description of how she has had years to ruminate on her past mistakes and how Willow is the love of her life and her life's one regret...

ya' know. stuff like that.

(but for some reason I suspect the angst is going to keep on rolling in!)

Anxiously awaiting to see what happens next!

db

edited because I can't spell.
Last edited by db on Sun Feb 25, 2007 6:12 pm, edited 2 times in total.
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Re: Lamplight

Postby Willowtree252 » Sun Feb 25, 2007 10:28 am

:pinky Ok I am trying not to scream here Watty but grrrrrrrr cliffhanger you know you are killing me here friend :shy :kdevil
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Re: Lamplight

Postby Artemis » Tue Feb 27, 2007 7:10 am

Angst ahoy! (And welcome back, Lamplight.) It's not difficult to see how this will be many, many chapters' worth of angst and working stuff out and Willow and Tara blundering and misunderstanding and arguing before they finally, properly communicate, with themselves and each other. There's a lot I'm wondering, but it's really just speculation at this point, so I'll just sit here (in my angst-proof bunker, which I'm not sure is up to the job) and stay hopeful. After all, no matter what Willow and Tara are now, and how they've rationalised it to themselves (more Tara than Willow it seems, though I think we'll find they both have some major issues that need to be worked out)... somewhere inside them there's still the girls who fell in love, and enjoyed the world's simple things like the smell of freshly-baked bread.
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Re: Lamplight

Postby JustSkipIt » Tue Feb 27, 2007 12:45 pm

Hey Watty,
So the return of the very angsty Lamplight. I had read this on your site previously so I knew what was coming. Still, it's so... I mean the difference in Willow's and Tara's life seems to be huge. Sure, I can't really reasonably make good assumptions about Tara's life but my guesses are that she has had a somewhat hard one. We know that her early "job" wasn't the most professional (is that an ok way to put it?). Now she's working at a topless club? that seems to offer quite a bit more than just lap dances. Not a great way to maintain your self-assurance or dignity I wouldn't think. And then here's somewhat pure (by comparison) Willow who has pined for Tara all these years? How the hell is that going to go? I know there are many many parts coming and suspect a somewhat angsty ride.

I'm so glad to see your story back.

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Re: Lamplight

Postby Emms » Tue Feb 27, 2007 1:00 pm

Okay... *scratches head* how did I miss that there was an update? I've only been longing for an update for months and months and months.... and er... months...andmonths andmonths andmonths but then I finally get one and I don't even know it's there... sheesh... I must seem like a flake :paranoid :blush

yay! great update!! and like Debra I too had a chance to read more of this on your website but I'm oh so glad to see you back on it here at Pens!

WOOT! great update!! and the bit at the end with Tara... :paranoid

More soon please?? :peace

xoxo
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Re: Lamplight

Postby cantbefredless » Tue Feb 27, 2007 3:58 pm

dont leave it there..yay an update but with a cliffhanger :( but i love the update!!!!
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Re: Lamplight

Postby Alcy » Tue Feb 27, 2007 9:38 pm

Woohoo! I promised feedback after each new chapter and here I have a new chapter to apply the aforementioned feedback (not quite as promptly as I would have liked mind you but I think there are plenty of other Kittens ready to pile on the praise for the return of Lamplight!

Anyway, I started reading this chapter and dived straight into the wonderful pile of angst you've created for us. The description of Willow's job and life was haunting, although I can understand her connection with Simon as it's easy to find a kindred spirit on the other side of the world. It's easy to see that although she thinks this is as good as life gets, it clearly isn't. I wonder how long it's going to take her to realise this and just how hard it will be to pry her out of it? I suspect that events in the next chapter may force her to rethink and take stock of where she really wants to be in life (ie: in the arms of a lucious blonde with a crooked smile!)
Thanks for fulfilling the expectations of clamouring Kittens watty, we can be persistent in demanding more of a good thing! Great chapter and I look forward to finding out what happens after the glass breaks!
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Re: Lamplight

Postby Fin » Wed Feb 28, 2007 5:31 am

I read this in one sitting tonight and I've got to say I'm hooked.
The last chapter took an even sadder tone, six years later and Willow is all work and no play and Tara is, I am speculating, 'a hostess with the mostess', although I am sure it will be detailed soon, exactly what her life has become.
I really liked the style of this story, starting when they were young and naive and then how the years progress, how much they have changed and completely lost contact.
And the angst, gotta love it :) , I don't think I have read a more sadder tale on the board, so gold star for your talent at saddness. I am looking forward to the ending, you know the one where they all live happily ever after :pray
Thanks for sharing this great story.
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Re: Lamplight

Postby morningstar » Thu Mar 01, 2007 2:56 am

ack!

wait you cant just... *insert speechless utterance of fustration/incredulity*

you did not just do that! sniffle

lol it was awsome! cant wait for the next cliff hanger :bounce
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Re: Lamplight

Postby watty » Fri Mar 02, 2007 8:50 am

Karinna

*hugs* for lump in your throat. Must be the sushi because angst? What angst?! :P

I agree that Tara moving away from Willow was
both painful but understandable (even if only after thinking about it a lot...)

but she did so without telling Willow, which must have really hurt. I'll explore a little of that later.

No, Willow isn't the clumsy spaz anymore, so the reaction to meeting this Tiesha was that of complete shock. Though it's dressed up as a cliffhanger, I don't think there is any doubt who Tiesha is.

Thanks, K. (Hi to P.)

~~~~~

tazraven

*Hopes desperately for an update in the next five minutes*

:lol I was so tempted to do exactly that, because that was so sweet, Sara. But it would have upset my carefully planned posting schedule, heehee. Rest assured, updates will be of a regular variety.

Willow is all work and no play

Self-protection, I guess. Bury all her emotions and just deal with the facts of life. Of course we are guaranteed a happy ending, but there will be more angst in between, I hope you'll stay with us for the duration of the story. Thanks!

~~~~~

db

Tara has clearly put up a wall a mile high and a foot thick. I guess I can understand why - there is a lot of fear there, but it is so hurtful and unfair... I actually think that Willow has been more than fair and that Tara has just smooshed her heart into a million pieces ( I kinda want to thunk her on the head).

You're right about the amount of fear; you're also right that Tara smooshed Willow's heart into a million pieces by leaving without a word. But hidden among the angst and the eventual romance, there is the class difference. Whatever place she is now, and I will come to that shortly, Tara can never escape her family background and (perhaps more in her mind than in actual fact) her poverty.

So now Tara's an exotic dancer or something? I wonder where she went -- I don't understand why she would choose that over Willow.

Not an ideal answer but let's just say the reason why will be addressed eventually. Whether it will be to the level of detail you (and other readers) may be looking for, I don't know. I don't write deep. :P

(but for some reason I suspect the angst is going to keep on rolling in!)

I don't think I will be spoiling anything by saying, yes there will be a whole lot more angst in future chapters.

~~~~~

Dianneswillowtree

Awww, sorry for the cliffhanger induced screaming. Can't guarantee it won't happen again either, I do hope that you're enjoying the story. Thanks for your continuous support! :)

~~~~~

Chris

welcome back, Lamplight

Thanks, it's good to be back. *waves to Chris in his angst-proof bunker*

It's not difficult to see how this will be many, many chapters' worth of angst and working stuff out and Willow and Tara blundering and misunderstanding and arguing before they finally, properly communicate, with themselves and each other.

:lol you read my outline, didn't you? You're absolutely right, they need to understand and communicate with themselves before they can move on. They both have issues but Tara's are more prominent and more deep-seated. I'm very touched that you remembered the smell of freshly-baked bread, they need that little bit of...for want of a better word, stability, to move them in the right direction. Thanks again, Chris.

~~~~~

Debra

Yeah, I wrote (and published) up to part 10 a long time ago, and I remember you saying you feel like it got sad and then I stopped.

the difference in Willow's and Tara's life seems to be huge. Sure, I can't really reasonably make good assumptions about Tara's life but my guesses are that she has had a somewhat hard one.

Absolutely! Willow is your typical middle class girl, even at age 14 she recognized the difference between her (her parents used to give her "guilt" money, and then give her some more) and Tara's upbringings. It's often difficult, for both parties, when there is this difference between personal circumstances and money. The better off party doesn't mind spending money, but tends to either forget the less well-off party has pride, or tries to overcompensate. Tara started off in the photocopy room of a small town law firm, but last time Willow saw her was in a skimpy outfit dirty dancing with client Faith. In the sense that photocopying person and client-entertainer are not professional jobs you're right. Where she is now, isn't exactly a topless club -- I've stayed away from defining what sort of club it is, mainly because I only have a vague idea of those venues.

suspect a somewhat angsty ride.

I think I'm spotting a theme here. I am glad readers know in advance it is very angsty. Thanks for everything, Elvis!

~~~~~

Emms

Awww. *hugs to Emms* Of course you're not a flake! I'm glad you found the update, and you'll be pleased to know updates will be watty-styled regular, I think you may have an idea how regular that can be. :P

I think quite a few people have read ahead, which is great. Though I hope you won't find the next couple of chapters (until I get to previously unpublished chapters) too boring. Thanks for being such a champion and supporter for this fic.

~~~~~

cantbefredless

Thanks! It's not the last cliffhanger though, hang in there. :P

~~~~~

Alcy

:bigwave Hi there! Thank you sooo much for your fb. I'm glad to be able to return to Lamplight too.

I agree, Willow's life seems to be empty and
haunting

she doesn't have much connection to anyone. In the world of banking, where Willow works, it's very common to be in the same team with peope in another office and never meet them. But it can be so cold and drab.

I wonder how long it's going to take her to realise this and just how hard it will be to pry her out of it?

I think the realisation just hit her, seeing who she just saw in the club. A little more next chapter. :)

~~~~~

Fin

Hi there and welcome to the thread. Hooked already? Hee, I'm goooood. *rubs hands* :P

The last 7 chapters were kind of an introduction, to build up the background. I'm glad you liked the style, and their character development. Although, it's not much of development, seeing that they are both stuck in some sort of limbo. Ah, I'm getting ahead of myself.

I don't think I have read a more sadder tale on the board

:blush There are many sad stories on the board, I'm proud that you kindly place this story among them. And yes, happy ending is guaranteed, but more angst to come.

~~~~~

morningstar

:lol thanks (I think). Frustration, eh? Rest assured that there ... will be ... more angst and cliffhangers to come, hang in there!


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Re: Lamplight

Postby WillowTaraGaiden » Fri Mar 02, 2007 6:28 pm

Oh, wow!
I haven't been on the board in quite some time, but when I saw that this fic had been updated I flipped!! This was one of my favorites!! I'm so happy to see that the story is being continued; such an exciting update- I can't wait to see what comes next! :party
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Re: Lamplight

Postby sacinema » Sat Mar 03, 2007 2:34 am

:party :party :party Wonderful Lamplight is back from Hiatus. This is a wonderful fic and I loved it from the beginning. Please update soon. I have to admit that I read all the chapters already on your website and I'm dying to find out something new. But back to FB til now.

Tara as a professtional host is somewhat a surprise. But it leaves me more comfortabel that she does a clear profession now not like the fake job related she did last time. If you have to prostitute yourself in one way or the other better being in the open about it. It's what she does for a living, no? Next shock for Willow. I think she will mind and will have a hard time to accept it.

Willow is so right, what a name is Tiesha anyway. Don't like it eather. Wonder when the two will start to talk in the open and about their equal feelings. Not just about each other but they (especially Tara) need to stop hiding before each other. Her attitude is somewhat getting on my nerves. Grow up girl, there are people who care about you.

Thanks for the story and the long awaited update. Please, go on soon?
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Re: Lamplight

Postby watty » Sat Mar 03, 2007 5:08 am

WillowTaraGaiden -- hello and welcome back. I'm glad that you liked this chapter, you'll be happy to know that there will be regular updates till the end.

sacinema -- :bigwave I think many readers have pre-read over at my website, and I hope it won't be too boring for you. Updates will be regular and we'll get to the previously unpublished chapters soon.

You have a good point here
If you have to prostitute yourself in one way or the other better being in the open about it.

Remember way way back, when her aunt visited? That she was determined to make it in the world and have lots of money? This is how. How different is being a club hostess to, say, a job where she's enslaved to the corporate bottom line? A job's a job, right? You're right, Willow will have a hard time accepting it, most of us will.
Grow up girl, there are people who care about you.

Thing is, for most of Tara's young life there hadn't been many people who cared about her. She is hiding from Willow, has been for a long time, it's not totally an attitude problem, more like self-esteem issues. I'll explore that a little in the coming chapters.

:lol at the dislike for the name of Tiesha. IIRC I googled for "exotic girls names" and picked one that sounded as much like a stage name as possible. Thanks for stopping by.

[hr]

Title: Lamplight
Author: watty (hiddenwatson[at]gmail[dot]com)
Distribution: Chris and Susan have pre-approval. Anyone else please ask for my permission first.
Rating: R to NC-17
Disclaimer: BtVS characters, concepts and dialogue belong to Mutant Enemy, Fox, The WB, UPN and others.
Summary: Contemporary AU. Where demons wear human faces. Two lives drifted apart, can they find their missing half?
Notes: This will be long and angsty. It also changes direction more than once. I had planned for it to go in a certain direction, I didn't know it would go that far. Sometimes, stories have a mind of their own.



Part 9

It didn't look as glitz-ridden in the harsh light of day as Willow walked up to the entrance and tried the door.

Locked.

She walked round to the back and found the staff entrance.

"Can I help you?" a fierce looking, heavily made-up Mamasan barked at her.

"I'm looking for Tara," she said, uncertainty rolling off her in waves.

"Who's looking?" the woman questioned.

"Er, Willow. Willow Rosenberg. We went to high school together and I was here last night ..." she tried to explain.

"She goes by Tiesha here," the woman said dismissively.

"Oh, Tiesha, okay. Very, um, exotic," Willow stammered.

"Mondays, Thursdays and Fridays."

"Excuse me?"

"That's when she comes in. Today's Tuesday."

Willow didn't know whether to be disappointed, afraid or elated. She tried hard to comprehend the unexpectedness of finding Tara in New York. Yet a cold shiver ran down her spine as she realized she worked here, at this club. A high class, trendy place-to-be-seen-in, but a club nonetheless. And as a ... she didn't have words for what Tara had become.

Why.

"How's business? I mean, this club, it does good business, right?" she blurted out before she even thought about it.

The woman was taken aback at first, but then remembered the redhead from the party the previous night. Bankers, their staple. "Very good, the economy is picking up and we had a mention in Wallpaper last month. You should ask Tiesha, girls can make this much," she held up her hand. "A night. Cash in hand too."

"What about the gangs or mafia, do they control the girls?" Willow whispered conspirationally.

The woman laughed heartily. "Young lady, you watch too much TV. I'll tell Tiesha you swung by." She was still laughing when she turned and went back inside, wondering what this visitor was on, she looked too nervous and polite, and her clothing, though on the conservative side, showed she was definitely not from the wrong side of the tracks.

Willow strolled along the nearby streets, noting the other clubs and bars proliferating the area. She walked past a large shop window and jerked to a halt as she spied her own reflection, she hadn't noticed the tears streaming down from her eyes.

She felt tired. So tired. And needing home comforts. She called Sandy from her cellphone and made her way home.

*****

It was late, Willow stifled a yawn as she glanced at her watch. Technically it was early, because it almost 3am, when decent folks should be tucked away in bed, asleep.

It was a cold New York night too. She dug her hands deeper in her coat and lowered her head so it was buried behind her thick scarf. Definitely not weather a Californian native would get used to. Ever.

But she had good reason.

And watching the reason walk out of the staff entrance, blonde hair unmistakable amongst the small group, smiling and chatting, that was enough to banish any thoughts of sleep. She watched as the figure waved good-bye to her friends and walked swiftly down the street.

Her legs had a life of their own, soon she found herself across the street and catching up.

They were side by side now, surely she would have sensed Willow's approach.

"Tara," she panted as she tried to catch her breath.

Tara stopped in her tracks. "What are you doing here?" she asked instinctively.

"Waiting for you."

"Why?"

"I haven't seen you in six years, Tara. You were there, then one day you were gone, disappeared without even a good-bye. So forgive me if I waited for you all night cos I'd really like an explanation now. And yeah, my butt's freezing and I can't feel my toes, thanks for asking," Willow snapped.

"I'm sorry, you caught me by surprise. Look, it's late and we're both tired, can this wait another day?" Tara sighed.

"I'm not falling for that trick again," Willow said with resolve.

They walked on in silence, pass the now seedy looking bars, the all night launderettes and the homeless sleeping in shop entrances.

"Willow, please," Tara pleaded.

"At least tell me where you live? And why you're walking away so quickly," Willow asked pointedly.

"No, I don't live around here, I just need to go to the store," Tara said as they reached the 24 hour grocery store. She nodded to the Korean proprietor and grabbed a basket. With expert ease she cruised the aisles gathering milk, cereal, bread and other essentials.

Willow followed silently, not quite sure how to get Tara to open up, to talk to her.

"You do this a lot? Do your grocery shopping at an ungodly hour?" When in doubt try a bit of levity.

Tara smiled and allowed herself to miss Willow. "Not out of choice, more a necessity," she said truthfully.

Just as they reached the vegetable section she slipped on a wet patch on the floor and felt herself lose her footing. But Willow's arms quickly steadied her.

"You okay?" the redhead asked.

Tara nodded and glanced down at her arm. They were still touching, a comforting, almost forgotten, touch. Then Willow let go, but not before their hands and fingers brushed, very briefly. And all the pent-up unresolved emotions stirred from their deep slumber.

After Tara paid, they stood awkwardly at the sidewalk, neither knowing what to do next.

"I'm getting a cab home, do you want one?" Tara asked softly.

"I don't want to leave you, I have so many questions," Willow whispered. If I let you out of my sight you'll disappear again.

Tara made a decision, flagged down a taxi and motioned for Willow to go in first. Willow was reluctant at first, until she realized Tara was climbing in too.

They got out at a brownstone in Greenwich, Willow whistled under her breath at the location of the obviously luxurious building.

"I'm going to put these away first, okay?" Tara took her groceries into the kitchen, leaving Willow to explore.

The apartment was on the second floor, spacious and full of earthy tones. A far cry from the Tiesha who was a club hostess. But there was something missing, as if the place was over-designed to exude an image of dark wood, blazing fireplaces and general heathenness.

She looked for something with Tara's signature in the apartment, something personal, but these were sparse. A cluster of photo frames, throws on the couch, that was about it. She felt like she'd stepped into a magazine spread, pleasing on the eye, but ultimately sterile.

She wondered where the real Tara had hid herself, but didn't have time to ponder further as the same Tara returned from the kitchen, with 2 glasses of water.

"So," Tara started.

Willow let out a giant yawn.

"Sorry," she apologized.

The silence reverberated around the empty walls and descended onto them like a blanket.

"You wanted to talk to me about something," Tara prompted.

Willow breathed deeply in. "I had a big speech all planned, there wasn't anything else to do while standing outside the club. But now I realize it's all about me, and all I want to know is all about you," she said.

"If you're looking to fill in the blanks of the last few years, I don't want to go there. The past is the past, it's not worth reliving," Tara said.

Willow stifled another yawn.

"And again with the sorries. I work sometimes all night too, so I shouldn't be feeling this tired," she said with a thin smile.

"It's the dead of night, can we talk tomorrow? Over lunch?" Tara proposed. "Let me call you a cab to get home."

"I'm not going to let you out of my sight till I get some answers," Willow said firmly.

"You know where I live, where I work, I'm not going anywhere," Tara said.

"I said this already, I'm not falling for that again," Willow said quietly.

"I promise. I won't run away this time," Tara reassured.

"I don't trust you, I don't believe you. You know I'm not being unreasonable."

Tara stood up. "We're getting nowhere in this conversation. If you distrust me so much, stay here tonight, you can use the guest room, it's all set up. I'll book a table at Dozo for lunch tomorrow, you can yell at me all you want then," she announced.

There was nothing much else Willow could say about that. "Okay," she agreed. "Wait, it's what, 4 o'clock in the morning, and you're sure you can get a table at Dozo for tomorrow? Lunch?"

"Yes. Don't worry about it." With that Tara turned on the lights of the guest room to let Willow in, then without another word she went to her own room and shut the door behind her.

Willow heard the faint click of the lock, then, with a sigh, set about exploring what Tara's guest room offered.

*****

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Re: Lamplight

Postby JustSkipIt » Sat Mar 03, 2007 6:41 am

Dibs for me!
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Re: Lamplight

Postby tazraven » Sat Mar 03, 2007 6:52 am

Great update Watty. This chapter hit me in the heart with only a few sentences.

If I let you out of my sight you'll disappear again.


Cut me to the core, along with this line.

"I don't trust you, I don't believe you.


I feel horrible for Willow, and while I don't know Tara's story yet, I feel the distress in her as well. You do a fantastic job capturing their awkwardness and sadness around each other. I hope everything turns out alright for our girls soon.

~Sara
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Re: Lamplight

Postby db » Sat Mar 03, 2007 8:28 am

Sweet Frikkin' Flap Jacks, Watty! You are a never ending well of Aaaaangst (I love it)!

I feel like you have captured the good natured earnestness that is Willow. She is sweet and sheltered and very naive.,. that line about the girls being controlled by the mafia was perfect and endearing and kind of put everything in perspective.

Willow's frame of referance is very very different from Tara's, and I think Willow has a very difficult time seeing it. She only sees this shared past when, even though she and Tara have a shared high school experience and, of course, romantic feelings -- they come from very different places. I think Willow is a good person, and I think if Tara would give her a chance she would not only help Tara but also understand and support her (not financially per se - although I think she would if Tara needed it - but more support her choices and her emotional needs).

It really hit me this chapter... or at least I finally feel like I am starting to get it. Tara thinks that Willow is too much a part of the 'other' side of the tracks to be with her. Of *course* Tara would hide if she belived her only way to accomplish her goals is to do something she feels Willow would be ashamed of, or that she herself is ashamed of.. I can understand her desperate need to make it on her own. Life offers a pretty sweet financial deal to pretty girls with long legs and a, um, nice figure (who are willing to show them for a buck). In Tara's mind, Willow comes from the same cloth that pays that buck. That makes for a pretty big divide and a whole lot of hiding - I can see why Tara would think that they couldn't be together.

But Tara ran away -- after declarations of love!!! :paranoid She ran away and hid, she has to know that it was wrong. I know she had reasons, but I think she must at least feel that she owes Willow an explanation (I mean, she did walk fast, but she let Willow come over and spend the night).

I wonder how it felt to hear that her actions had caused this woman that she loved (and who I believe she was trying to protect, in her own way) say she didn't trust her? Owch. Tough... but fair.

Oooh! And the description of her apartment! Perfect perfect perfect! It is like a magazine, sterile, attractive, impersonal. Of course. Tara is running away from her past. She's buried herself in the class divide -- in fact, I think it would be fair to say that it is pretty much how she defines herself. Her apartment reflects that (I bet her guest room does too!)/

I really feel for Willow. She is putting herself out there to this beautiful woman who has all but shoved her to get her to go away. It can't be easy, and I think it would take more conviction than I, personally, could muster to wait and follow her after she rejected her, ran away and then tried to avoid her outside the club... Willow doesn't 'get' the class divide, but Tara? Tara doesn't get how hard it must be for Willow to even be there.

Anyway - that's what I think and I can't wait to read more!

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Re: Lamplight

Postby Willowtree252 » Sat Mar 03, 2007 8:55 am

:pinky Watty you know I love any and everything you write. That being said you let us feel both girls pain it is coming off the page in waves runing right through us and hiting us in the heart. I will not even try to speculate where this is going I am just going to let you lead me :hmm
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Re: Lamplight

Postby Emms » Sat Mar 03, 2007 10:59 am

Oh Watty... that chapter made me feel so sad, but at the same time happy... sad because of all the pent up emotion involved between the both of them... it was so evident even though Tara was acting all nonchalant and distance-y and Willow was holding back from saying what she really wanted to say.... But I was happy because there was a new chapter, and everything's moving forward just like you said it would. :sigh

I really felt sad for Willow this time around, because she's finally found Tara after the girl seemingly disappeared off the face of the earth and to have Tara be so... so... uninvolved was really crushing.... I wonder if Willow feels unimportant to Tara...

and also this line really resounded for me....

She wondered where the real Tara had hid herself


I think that's the most telling piece of the whole story so far... Tara's hid herself safely away... even from herself, it seems. How sad...

I just hope Willow will be able to break through the barriers Tara's set up around herself, for whatever reason....and that Tara can allow herself to trust Willow enough to show Willow her authentic self.....

*sigh*..... watty... I so need to continue this journey... so please, please, please don't keep us waiting too long....


ETA: Okay so, I was still feeling a bit melancholy after reading this last chapter so I went back and reread Prom Night and their first kiss... and felt a little bit better.... but then I made the mistake of rereading the chapter after that and found myself morose once more....(totally counterproductive, I know...) so then I had to reread Prom Night again to counteract what I'd just done.....and this bit of Edit has nothing really to do with feedback, but it was quirky so I thought I'd share. :p

:kgeek

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Re: Lamplight

Postby morningstar » Sat Mar 03, 2007 2:02 pm

yay an update.

i like the angst and at least we will find out what Tara was debateing when she decided to go to New York and become a dancer. (i hope)

i was supprised that we didnt see what Willow did that night when Tara was about to dance for her. Although going this way is great too! as long as we get updates i am very happy ;-)

cant wait for the disscussion comeing up. :bounce
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Re: Lamplight

Postby JustSkipIt » Sat Mar 03, 2007 6:45 pm

Watty -
I feel somewhat better about Tara's situation in this update than the last. First there's the "mamasan?" who seems a bit protective. The fact that Tara works only three nights a week and makes "this" much money and isn't controlled by gangsters or drugs seems promising. I'll admit that I have the suspicion that she's engaged in some more normal job/vocation or is in school--thus the busy shopping in the middle of the night. Her home seems very nice if a bit off/sterile? I wonder what's up there. Is she house-sitting? Living with someone? Just very private?

She's also amazingly more assertive and self-possessed than we've ever seen. Yes, she seems a little weak at wanting to fall back into Willow but she's also jaded and tells Willow where the boundaries are. I like that.

If you're looking to fill in the blanks of the last few years, I don't want to go there. The past is the past, it's not worth reliving," Tara said.
This line struck me as both assertive/strong and a little sad. I wonder what it is that Tara's not ready to relive. Something non-stellar--that's for sure.

Willow's quite the hounddog not letting Tara go and Tara apparently has some connections. Although... I rarely want someone to yell at me in some very public and obviously very nice restaurant. How interesting. Can't wait...
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Re: Lamplight

Postby tarawhipped » Sat Mar 03, 2007 9:35 pm

Oh, the pain...the paiiiiiinnnnnn! I remember when I first read this story ages ago, Watty (however much you had done at the time, anyway), and just feeling this tension in my gut. Well, it's back. Thanks.

They're so awkward it hurts. Willow has ample reason not to trust Tara, but she still comes off as somewhat pitiful with the "I'm chaining myself to your bedpost until you talk to me" instead of the "fine, whatever, toots...see you in the funny papers" that Tara deserves after her disappearance.

And Tara...well, I just can't stay mad at her, dammit. When I first read that she locked the door, I was thinking: "wtf? You think Willow's going to sneak in and leave a horse's head in your bed?" But then it occurred to me that, considering her reactions in the grocery:
Tara smiled and allowed herself to miss Willow.

and
all the pent-up unresolved emotions stirred from their deep slumber.

Tara's more worried that Willow will sneak in and wanna snuggle, and that she will be unable to resist. Tara's kept up the hard-boiled facade for a long time, but I think she's keeping her distance now for Willow's sake, not her own. I think Tara wants nothing more than to let Willow in, and that's why she wants their talk to happen in a restaurant, where (presumably) people are more apt keep their emotions in check.

But you know what? I don't think it's gonna work, 'cause Willow's just sad and adorable and in need of a hug. And Tara can't run away anymore. Right? :paranoid Awesome work, buddy.

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Re: Lamplight

Postby ringwaldoeuvre » Sun Mar 04, 2007 11:31 pm

First, sorry I was not quick enough to reply sooner. I, um, work a lot, and sometimes don't get the chance to leave thoughtful feedback. And by "thoughtful," I mean "snarky."

Now. It seems like the angst fairy went on a bender and read some Tom Wolfe on your hiatus. I'm starting to think this fic is a cross between "When Harry Met Sally" and "Showgirls." You know. One minute, they're right for each other, there's an angsty view of the world, years pass, then there's lesbain subtext, they realize they're right for each other, years pass, then one of them fakes it, years pass, and someone ends up mispronouncing "Versace." The real tragedy is that Gina Gershon is not in this fic in any way, shape, or form. Yet I'd like to give Tara more credit, because she's hot enough to entertain me just by reading the phonebook.

Still, credit to Willow for hanging out in Tara's posh Greenwich Village apartment and eating at a really swank restaurant just to learn the deal behind her disappearance act. It must be, like, really hard on her to make that sacrifice. If that's what it took to force the truth out of Tara, I'm thinking we should take this on the road. Does the C.I.A. know about this interrogation technique? How about we take the entire prison population of Guantanamo Bay, throw in a few Pakistanis for good measure, and really show them how it's done in the U.S. of A? "Patiot Act" is suddenly spelled "W at Union Square with a complimentary drink at the bar."

I'm totally anxious to see the results of what must be a totally unbearable experience for Willow. For serious, if I went to the chief at NASA and told him there's a free massage in it for him, maybe he'd give me the secret to time travel? (Sorry, no rip in the space-time continuum will get you a girlfriend. Try something else. Love, Omar)

Anyway, this doesn't mean I do not want the ladies to get together in the near future. Willow is depressing, and bears an eerie resmeblance to my life if you replaced Union Square with Prospect Park West. And she needs a hug something awful. Alls I know is, Tara seems highly likely to say "I'm not a stripper, I'm a dancer!!!"
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Re: Lamplight

Postby watty » Fri Mar 09, 2007 7:41 pm

I'm on vacation and although it should be yay-yay-yay, I have a bad connection at the place I'm staying, so I'm posting a day early while I have a connection. Hi to Car, K&P and db! :)

[hr]

Debra - :lol yay for dibs.

~~~~~

tazraven

Most of the last few updates have been from Willow's point of view, and there is a lot of uncertainty and awkwardness on her part, she simply has no idea who Tara is but OTOH she can't let it go. It's a tough situation.

I hope everything turns out alright for our girls soon.

Things will turn out alright, eventually. Can't say "soon" though. Thanks, Sara.

~~~~~

db

You are a never ending well of Aaaaangst (I love it)!

:lmao as long as you don't describe me as a well of anything else. Ahem, perv-r-us strikes again.

Thanks for your comment about Willow being sheltered and naïve -- even in her mid-twenties and successful in her career. That's been one of the biggest...difference, mental stumbling block between their relationship. You're again right that all Willow sees is the good times she and Tara had when they were kids, and because she had a good life, she can't help but extrapolate to Tara's. Not entirely her fault because it seems Tara never told her how she really felt about their difference in class. And yes it's clichéd, but better off people usually can't see the harsh reality of lesser ones. It's not unlike canon Willow -- super smart but not the best "see-er" of people's emotional needs.

Tara thinks that Willow is too much a part of the 'other' side of the tracks to be with her. Of *course* Tara would hide if she belived her only way to accomplish her goals is to do something she feels Willow would be ashamed of, or that she herself is ashamed of.. I can understand her desperate need to make it on her own. Life offers a pretty sweet financial deal to pretty girls with long legs and a, um, nice figure (who are willing to show them for a buck). In Tara's mind, Willow comes from the same cloth that pays that buck.

I quoted the entire passage because you really hit home here. Why is prostitution often described as the oldest profession in the world? Where there is demand, there will be supply. Now I'm not saying Tara is a prostitute as such, but she is closely associated with the selling and flaunting of female bodies, yes. On one hand she must be proud of her achievement, but on the other there is a sense of shame.

the description of her apartment! Perfect perfect perfect! It is like a magazine, sterile, attractive, impersonal. Of course. Tara is running away from her past. She's buried herself in the class divide -- in fact, I think it would be fair to say that it is pretty much how she defines herself.

Yes, thank you! She's managed to hide / not recognize her feelings for so long, it may take her a while to find the real her. Perhaps, she needs someone who doesn't care about her past, her future or her job -- just her to get her there. As far as Tara is concerned Willow, for her own reasons, have infinite patience. That patience will be tested, you know me. Thanks for the great feedback.

~~~~~

Dianneswillowtree

Ouch, I hope you don't mind the pain too much, not going to ease up just yet but I'll get them there, don't worry. Thank you! :)

~~~~~

Emms

I understand what you say about both of them holding back their emotions and actually making some sort of connection. It's a case of too much -- too much history, too much time passed, too much to say, too much to find out. Of course they will work things out, I hope you have the confidence to stay with the angst for a while.

Agree too that
Tara's hid herself safely away... even from herself

Not that she is ashamed, but lack of self-esteem is an issue with her. No matter how assured she is professionally, she still sees herself as the penniless girl whose father abandoned her. Willow too is going through turmoil -- she too has shut herself off emotionally. So they're both in need of something / someone to open them up. Again, stay with me for a while, we'll go on this journey together. Update as usual this weekeend.

p.s. awww to going back to the kiss at the Prom. It was so sweet, and *hugs* to chase the moroseness away.

~~~~~

morningstar

i was supprised that we didnt see what Willow did that night when Tara was about to dance for her

Actually Tara wasn't dancing, just sitting with clients and chatting with them while they drank and enjoyed the show. I usually don't write much exposition, sometimes it's more fun to imagine what happens next and pick up the action later. There will be some exposition about Tara's motives and reaons for going to New York. Thanks!

~~~~~

Debra 2

Yes Tara has actually found herself in a decent "community" of people -- yes it's a club selling flesh, but there is financial security and she has a level of respect there. Her last 6 years has taught her to be confident, at least on the outside. Excellent point that she may be is engaged in a job that is more "normal" -- more of the respect she is so wanting.

Her home seems very nice if a bit off/sterile? I wonder what's up there. Is she house-sitting? Living with someone? Just very private?

It is her home in the sense that she stays there and keeps her personal belongings there. She's pretty much shut herself off from Life and hasn't had the inclination to make her living space more personal.

I wonder what it is that Tara's not ready to relive. Something non-stellar--that's for sure.

Yep. There are things, events, from her past that she hasn't quite come to terms with, definitely. But we'll come to those later. It's so wonderful that you can "read" ahead, you know? :P

Willow is nothing if not persistent. Then again, we don't know how hard (if at all) she searched for Tara six years ago when the latter left town. She has grown up definitely, with a nice cushy job but empty life. Nothing to lose to keep chasing Tara till Tara loosens up a little. Really astute observations, Debra, you've got your pulse on the action and future action -- probably means you know my style so very well. Thank you.

~~~~~

Cam

Cam, buddy, how much do I love your comments? *this* much (*stretches arms wide*). You're right that Willow is almost stalkerish, but Tara just upped and disappeared on her six years ago. We don't (and won't) know how hard Willow searched for Tara then, and what sort of uncertainty / guilt she felt. So when she sees Tara again after presumably giving up on her, she (being Willow) won't want to let Tara go that easily this time. And if that means chaining herself to Tara's bedpost, she is that persistent.

I think she's keeping her distance now for Willow's sake, not her own.

*nods vehemently* -- as for Tara, she's kept herself so buried, so hidden all this time that she neither trusts herself, nor others. Locking the door is probably as habitual to her as walking away. The restaurant choice too, it's to keep the distance between them. Which, yeah, is incredibly sad. And yeah, Willow will get her hugs and Tara won't run away ... eventually. Thanks!

~~~~~

ringwaldoeuvre

OMG! My friend, you have not lost your snark. :lol at the veritable milkshake mixture of Tom Wolfe and When Harry Met Sally ... actually mix in a bit of Wall Street too with the "greed is good" tagline that will come into play later. Gotta give Willow some credit, she's braving all elements -- encounter with a heavily made up mamasan and Tara's elegant yet still chilly cold shoulder -- she's focused alright.

My favorite part is this
Tara seems highly likely to say "I'm not a stripper, I'm a dancer!!!"

Not only is is highly likely, it matches her habit of denying everything, even her own feelings.

Anyway no, I'll never match your brilliance in snarkage, it's really added to the flavors of this story. My mind's kinda stuck now cos I've got jetlag and I have to get up at like 4am. But hey, I'm on vacation! Hope your life and work aren't so busy and you get some downtime. I really, sincerely appreciate your thoughtful feedback, in any shape or form.

~~~~~



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Re: Lamplight

Postby watty » Fri Mar 09, 2007 7:42 pm

Title: Lamplight
Author: watty (hiddenwatson[at]gmail[dot]com)
Distribution: Chris and Susan have pre-approval. Anyone else please ask for my permission first.
Rating: R to NC-17
Disclaimer: BtVS characters, concepts and dialogue belong to Mutant Enemy, Fox, The WB, UPN and others.
Summary: Contemporary AU. Where demons wear human faces. Two lives drifted apart, can they find their missing half?
Notes: This will be long and angsty. It also changes direction more than once. I had planned for it to go in a certain direction, I didn't know it would go that far. Sometimes, stories have a mind of their own.



Part 10

When Willow woke up in a strange but comfortable bed, it took her a moment to orientate herself. Tara's door was still closed. She briefly considered not going into work, but quickly dismissed it. The markets waited for no one. She raided Tara's closet, interestingly decked out in all sorts of clothing, including some that fit her, and was at her desk by the time the bell rang on the NYSE.

She arrived at the restaurant first and was shown to a secluded corner. Green tea was served as soon as she took her seat; a small, delicate menu discretely placed within easy reach.

Willow was no stranger to fine dining and living. Her income including bonus, stock options and perquisites, had surpassed the 7-figure mark for a couple of years now. Reaching that milestone was an event her contemporaries celebrated in extremis, though she never cared for it herself. She knew enough to know Dozo was a notoriously difficult restaurant to get a reservation for, let alone with practically no notice. She wondered how Tara managed to do that, and her spine grew cold at the thought.

"Sorry I'm late," Tara said as she gracefully sat down, smiling at the waitress who took her coat.

This was the first time Willow had seen her former best friend in the daylight for six years. Tara radiated aloof self-confidence but if she looked carefully there was pain, and loneliness, and a harder edge than she remembered. Here in front of her eyes, no longer the shy, mousy girl she first befriended in high school.

Tara was wearing something understated that was obviously haute couture, no jewelry except for a thin, expensive watch. Her hair was silky, colored perfectly, and flowed down to her waist.

"You kept your hair long," Willow said stupidly.

"You too," Tara replied.

"I thought about cutting it, but I'm not so sure how I'd look like with pixie short hair," Willow smiled.

"I think it'll suit you. Different, but may be ... a fresh look," Tara said.

Memories of hours brushing each other's hair before bedtime, giggling at the static electricity, making braids and shopping for clips passed between the two former friends.

"Do you still do zig-zag partings, just for fun?" Willow reminisced.

"Sometimes, but I don't have much time to do things 'just for fun' anymore."

They paused, uncomfortable at the direction the conversation was heading. They didn't make the lunch appointment to talk about hairstyles. They hid their discomfort behind the small menus.

"I was almost afraid you'd be no show," Willow whispered.

Tara looked up sharply from the menu, the hint of irritation obvious. "Do you have anything better to say than the non-stop hints and innuendos you have been dropping since last night?"

"I, I—," Willow had the decency to look chagrined, but that was soon replaced by a hard look. "Yes, that's all I've been thinking about, how you just left my life without even the decency of saying goodbye," she spat.

"You've been obsessed with —, it's ancient history, Willow," Tara sighed as she looked away.

"Well, you can conveniently forget; but sorry, I can't," Willow retorted.

"Why would I want to remember any of it? A life that I had no control over? No home, no money, no future. No one to call family," Tara's voice dropped.

"I promised you I'd be your family, but you wouldn't let me." Willow wanted to reach out, but didn't know how.

"I didn't want to be a burden," Tara said softly.

"Why do you think you'd be a burden? Was, was keeping all your unhappiness bottled up inside yourself wise? Just go to any bookstore, the shelves are full of books that tell you no, and none that say yes," Willow said.

"I don't run my life based on advice from three-dollar psychologists," Tara snorted.

"At least those three-dollar psychologists don't tell you to sell yourself," Willow retorted. At Tara's look she continued. "I'm not stupid, Tara, I know what that club is, they get enough business from people at my firm. And, your apartment, the last minute restaurant reservation —"

"So that's why you came, to tell me how disappointed you are in me," Tara accused. "Well, I'm sorry, Willow, I'm sorry I didn't live up to your picture of how my life should be, I had to work for everything myself. When I left Sunnydale I had nothing to my name, not that I had nothing to start with," she said in disgust.

"Tara, I —" Willow started but was rudely interrupted.

"Tiesha," an oily, fake voice belonging to an oily, fake Asian man stopped Willow in her tracks. He placed a hand over Tara's shoulders, it was not a friendly gesture; it was possessive, even forceful. "Fancy seeing you here! You don't return my calls, you always plead busy. If you weren't so beautiful I'd be tempted to say you're avoiding me." He glanced at Willow. "At least you're not having lunch with a man, otherwise ..."

Tara didn't even flinch at his touch. Instead she reached up with one hand and patted the one on her shoulder. "Gavin, how have you been?" she smiled, a toothy smile that never reached her eyes.

"Never better, now I found you. You don't know how much I've missed you, I think about you every day," he said.

"You're such a darling."

"So, when are you having dinner with me, Miss Tiesha?"

"I'm always busy, Gavin. As you are yourself. Call me at the club," she smiled at him again but it was clear that she was dismissing him.

"What about tomorrow?" he persisted.

"I'm going to Boston tomorrow, why don't you join me there?" she countered.

"Why didn't you tell me earlier? I have business in Boston," he said excitedly.

"Where don't you have business?" It was more of a comment than question.

"You're staying at the Four Seasons?" he asked, but only got a mysterious smile from Tara. He kissed her hand and returned to his table of Japanese and Korean high rollers.

Tara turned to Willow, who by now, was trying to fight an outraged expression.

"Who's that?" she asked.

"Someone," Tara shrugged.

"You seem awfully friendly with him."

"It's necessary."

"Is he one of the people you 'service'?"

"I'm not answering that."

"Are you going to Boston tomorrow?"

"No," Tara laughed.

"So if he turns up at the Four Seasons ..." Willow frowned.

"He won't," Tara said. "None of that meant anything."

Willow regarded her former friend with barely concealed astonishment. "This is all a game, isn't it? Lies and half-truths." She felt like she didn't know her Tara anymore. I lost her so long ago.

"The world that people like Gavin Park lives in has no truth, Willow," Tara said slowly. "They'll take everything you know, everything you own, in the blink of an eye."

"I saw the way he looked at you. He wanted to own you. Tara, tell me you're okay," Willow pleaded.

Tara looked at Willow for a moment, then she sighed weakly. "What's okay? Financially? I'm more than okay. Physically? I've been worse. Mentally? You want to know what's in my mind? It's not a pretty sight," her voice raised an octave at the small outburst.

Willow wanted to reach out and assure Tara she would have her support, but she wasn't sure if that was true. Even if she was willing to give the support, Tara would not accept it. And what type of support? Tara didn't seem to be the type to need advice on structuring financial instruments.

"If you need a friend —" she decided to say.

"I don't have room for friends. I'm not sure if I'll have time to spend with you, if that's what you expected," Tara cut Willow short.

"I didn't expect anything."

"Everyone wants something, Willow. Even you."

"I just wanted to know if you're okay. I haven't seen you in six years, you disappeared out of my life, I was worried."

"Well now you've seen me, I'm still alive. I'm not your little Tara-girl anymore. Your life, my life, they don't mix. You're better off without me," Tara said.

"That's not up to you to decide. You can't make assumptions like that," Willow protested.

Tara's voice was like steel. "It's my choice."

"I'm not buying this. What's wrong with being friends?"

That's because we both want more, and it scares me. "Not now, please. Don't push me." With that, Tara pushed her chair back and left the restaurant.

It took Willow a few moments to gather her wits. When she went to settle the check she was told that it was under account and it would be settled directly.

*****

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Re: Lamplight

Postby Willowtree252 » Fri Mar 09, 2007 8:15 pm

:pinky Dibs Watty such deep deep pain enough to make one,s heart bleed a millon tears. I fear for Tara also and Willow is not going to just fade away now I just get to sit and worry for a week my friend :kdevil
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Re: Lamplight

Postby db » Fri Mar 09, 2007 8:22 pm

Watty, oh master of angst.

I really feel for both Willow and Tara.

Tara is running from a past with nothing that she sees as worth hanging on to (except maybe Willow). It seems clear that she even sees Willow as something she is willing to walk away from in order to gain -- but what? Autonomy? Financial security? A life? What is life if you burn the people you love? What has meaning if you walk away from meaning? The real question for me is what is Tara walking toward? I mean. I get what she originally was after (autonomy, financial security, material posessions that she was deprived of as a child), but what is she walking toward *now*?

And Willow. Like I said before, she is naive. Still, I think that, despite her naivete that she has a semblance of understanding about emotional needs that Tara has not has the luxury of entertaining. She *did* offer to be family for Tara, and unlike Tara, I think that Willow actually knows what that means.

Tara radiated aloof self-confidence but if she looked carefully there was pain, and loneliness, and a harder edge than she remembered. Here in front of her eyes, no longer the shy, mousy girl she first befriended in high school.


Tara has become a different person -- self confident, sexy... and disconnected emotionally.

She has a lot to teach Willow about the real world, and I think it is a lesson Willow could do with learning... but *Willow* has a lot to teach Tara about being emotionally available and investing in the people around you (at least I hope so).

I am not entirely sure what Willow does (is she a stock trader?). It seems sterile though, sterile and very removed from the kind of life Tara has learned to live.

I feel bad for both of them. They have both lived impoverished lives in their own ways...

I sincerely hope they can rescue each other, I suspect they will... but first I expect a lot of angst, deep sighs and pain. PAIN! Pain!!!

Bring it on.

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Re: Lamplight

Postby JustSkipIt » Fri Mar 09, 2007 9:14 pm

Watty - boy. Tara is really locked down tight isn't she? I mean she's in pain and can't even be decent to Willow for fear that she'll really feel that pain. And she's such a professional with Gavin. Yuck. Willow doesn't seem to have it together particularly but she seems somewhat better off than Tara. Willow makes >1,000,000 and she's 24? That's kind of crazy. I hope she finds some joy in life.

Waiting for more angst.
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Re: Lamplight

Postby tazraven » Fri Mar 09, 2007 10:44 pm

Ack. The angst. *Cries in a corner* You're killing me here, Watty. They're both so distant, it hurts. I wanna just lock 'em in a room together 'til they work out the evil misunderstandings, and fakeness, and angst. You really know how to work a girl up, don't ya. Lol. Awaiting the next chapter with absolutely no patience.

Oh, and can I just say? Gavin... yuck.

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