I think I've always been a lesbian, like when I was a teenager I didn't have one crush on a male, then I reached the past couple of years and I fancied this ONE guy so I now call myself Bi, but I often wonder if I really did fancy him, you see I was having a lot of home problems, me and mum were constantly at logger heads and I was under an anormous amount of pressure then came Sam, my hero, he compleatly rescued me, very typical fairy tale, he took me to his place and we started to live together, ok me and mum didn't speak for two years after that but you know what? now we're a lot closer than I think we've ever been! I am not with Sam anymore as he wanted things way to fast and everything got complicated so would you say I was bi or compleatly lesbian?

Oh by the way as this is a comming out thread, I recently just told my little brother, I never planned to, I was just talking normally and well I guess I felt comfortable enough to mention it but I just told him and he took it sooo well, he's a gem!

Summer Fairy - It seems that your main question is whether you are bi or lesbian. Personally, I would say that the label doesn't matter. It seems from your note that you like women in general and liked/loved Sam specifically. So you know you want to date women and you can pursue that and if you don't mark out men then you can pursue dating a man. But the label? I'm not sure that it matters (except maybe to the women that you date I guess). I say do what makes you happy.

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Menorah Tales | Working It Out | Random Bits

Yeah, I guess I knew that, it's just it makes it more clearer come-ing from another person. I'm a lot happier now than I was a few years ago as I feel more comfortable with myself and it's not such a big dilemma telling ppl because what sex I prefer is only 1 part of me, it's like when you tell some one your b/les/gay whatever it can give you a label, with some ppl anyway, it's like the fact that you have a nice personality and everything else does not matter, once you say your whatever then thats it, it's like recently the first thing my mate described me as to her sister was, 'Oh she's my bi mate.' I was like, 'Yeah but I'm also shy and quite witty but thats ok yeah just say what you like...' I'm sure she doesn't mean it in that way at all but you know. Ok rant over!

I'm bi. I'm not out to anybody, though. And in a way, it's completely and utterly ridiculous that I'm not. First of all, my family would not have any problems with it at all. My dad is a minister, but he's extremely progressive and openly expresses his views on being pro-gay rights and such. He rents a lot of gay romantic comedies and gets "The Advocate" and watches "Queer As Folk" and I think he might be gayer than me. (And we're talking about a man who's been happily married to my mom for more than 25 years!) My mom would be supportive as well. I get the feeling that she's naturally pro-gay rights as well, but doesn't understand it quite so well as my dad, nor is she as passionate about it as he is. But she wouldn't give me any trouble at all. And my sister would have absolutely no problem. She and I share pretty much the same circle of friends, which includes several GLBT people and a majority of people who are supportive of gays and lesbians. She'd probably be proud of me. The only people in my family who I think would be put off by it are my dad's relatives, who are conservative. (Yes, my dad's the black sheep of his side of the family, in terms of worldviews.)

As I hinted above, my friends would also be perfectly fine with it. They're wonderfully kind and supportive and open-minded, and would just be happy that I told them about it. Again, I'm only afraid of one person's reaction in that group- and it's someone who really really counts. My roommate (who is also my closest friend in the entire world besides my twin sister) is conservative and Catholic. Beliefs-wise, it's a miracle we get along, although I can tell you that the key to it is our similar personalities. She knows that I am active in my school's GSA, and that I have gay friends, and that I am passionate about gay rights. She is usually conspicuously silent when I am talking about them with her, just like I try not to bring up our political differences as a way to avoid conflict. She's one of those people who can't just discover it through other people- one of those I need to actively tell. (I think most people would agree that that statement is true.) But while I don't think she'd yell at me or beat me up or kick me out of the room, I am scared of the fact that I can't anticipate what she would say. And we've all gotten so much closer after being through so many hard times in our lives this past semester. I want to keep that for as long as I can. I don't want to strain things between us. But I also don't want her to be the last to know. It scares me.

So far, the only people who know I'm bisexual are the members of a general chat thread on another message board I frequent. It's the only one I'm a member of that doesn't revolve around a GLBT fandom or pairing. Last night we just happened to be debating religion, and we got into the issue of gays in the church. I jumped in, and started a rebuttal post with the phrase "As a bisexual woman...". I gave a moment's thought to whether I wanted to do this, but in the end just acted on impulse and said it. They probably thought nothing of it, assuming maybe that I'd said it before, or that I was comfortable with it and said it to everyone.

And now I've said it here. I've vacillated a lot on this subject since my first arrival to this board. In 9th grade I got my first crush on a girl, and convinced myself I was bi as a way of avoiding the thought that I might be gay. It wasn't a serious crush, though, and that girl's nothing more than an acquaintance today. The next year I had a crush on a boy, and still kind of thought I was bi, but was really questioning at that point.

The thing that threw the whole equation came during my junior year. I had my first serious crush (and really the only serious crush I've ever had), on a girl who is still a close friend today. I still would say yes in a heartbeat if she asked me out. But due to a lot of different factors, I still don't actually know what her sexual orientation is, and we've never been together at all. Actually, I've never been in a relationship with anyone, boy or girl. So it's all new to me. At that point I thought about whether I might be lesbian, but at the beginning of my senior year I was watching a school talent show, enjoying the performances and the energy around me, and suddenly I just realized I was bi. It had started out as an excuse to not think of myself as gay, and ended up being the truth. Funny how things work out.

The most ironic thing about the whole situation is this: I'm secretary of my school's gay/straight alliance. Yes, an elected club officer, who leads everyone else. I am so proud of the fact that I hold this position. Not a single person in that club knows I'm bi. Not the GLBT members, not the straight members, not even the rest of the exec board. I'm keeping a secret from the one group I should unconditionally be comfortable telling. So why can't I just say it already, and get it over with??

Wow, that was long. See if you can make sense of all that.

Saena

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Ellie: God, why are you such a pessimist?
Jack: I dont know, maybe because bad things keep happening to me?!
-"The Tribe"

lol, it sounds like you've gotten the ball rolling now. You've come out twice online in as many days. Good for you! Congrats.

I suspect you'll find it easier to come out to people face-to-face now. When I first came out, I came out like five more times the very next day. I think once you've said the words out loud to someone, you won't be so frightened by the idea of saying it to others. It can be kind of exhilarating, actually.

You just have to jump. Once you've done it, it's not so scary anymore. Best of luck to you. I do hope you'll be back to tell us about it, if you do come out to your group or your family.

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Yes I agree, once you've said it out load it gets easier! I started telling ppl that I was bi, started off telling the ones who I didn't see much and didn't really care for there oppinion, just to see how I would feel, then recently I just told my little brother, it DOES get easier and like someone has already said, it is exilerating afterwards, I was on a high after I told my brother!

It definitly gets easier. So easy, you don't even notice anymore. I've been actually married to my wife for 2 years now (yay MA) and been with her for a total of 8 years. It's become second nature to call her my wife in front of anyone, whether they're co-workers, new friends, or perfect strangers. Half the time, I don't even notice their expression if there is one, and when I do notice, it's more amusing than anything. You just gotta get over the initial fear of what people will think, because it really doesn't matter in the grand scheme of it all.

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"I laugh in the face of danger! Then I hide until it goes away." ~ Xander (The Witch)

It was so wonderful to come out most people said thay already knew but the three most important people I told was my son (ok with it) my best friend ( had no idea but ok with it) my daughter ( said she hated me and we can never talk about it. I know I was married but I was pushed that way by fear I just never felt about a man like I should there was always a void My exhusband said I was brave ( he always new I was gay) Now I feel free.

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Dia the spelunker
Never underestimate the powerful love of a good woman
If you were a cave what kind of cave would you be

Hey hun, well done for comming out! Glad mostly everyone was great about it, I'm sure your daughter will come round, give her the space and time to think about it all, youe her mother and no matter what she says, she loves you.

The only thing I can think right now is that I hope no one I know comes on here, but.... lol.

My issue ...(and I don't think there's much I can do in the way of fixing it; I just want to get my mental complexes out there...) Well, I pretty well know I'm bisexual in my rational mind. I've never really had any crushed on guys AT ALL (i think there were some on girls in elementary if I look back and count them as crushes), and last year I had this HUGE one on this chick in my class, as in 'Oh my god, why am I so obsessed, why won't this go away?'.

The actual issue in here is that somewhere between a few years ago and now, my focus kind of did a 360. Most of my life, I was hoping against and avoiding the fact I might be gay. After talking to various open-minded friends, meeting bisexual people and (of course, lol) watching buffy and seeing Willow and Tara's relationship, I didn't seem to mind as much.

Back to the focus-y thing in a minute; I have this huge issue with guys. No offence to any who might be reading... They've always bothered me on principle, just... because, I don't really know, and if some guy were to bug me and act like a jerk.... well, once condemmed men are pretty much non-redeemable, and I don't trust them (as a whole, though my brother's great) in general.

Recently I've come to the conclusion that I probably am bi (which started out as a 'just in case' clause before saying I was gay, cause I like being sure about things... ) though I haven't actually had a major crush on a guy, and as with teenage sexuality, there's nothing really concrete to hold on to... (well in my case...) previous fears that I had about whether I was gay or not have turned to (somewhat) irrational fears about being straight. (Well, I'm pretty sure I am bi, so change that to fears straight relationships are a possibility....)

Wow I feel messed up right now. - and just to add, some friends know, and they're great, my brother knows I'm bi but not that I'm leaning towards the bent side, and my parents don't really know anything, though if they did they wouldn't really care.... as mentioned prior, I have a thing about making certain of things before telling others... (pretty irrational sounding when typed... )

Hey i am 17 and i am finding it really hard to tell my parents about this. My mum doesnt agree with gay people, she told me they were discusting and to never have nething to do with them. Also, i dont have a very tight relationship with my mum, but she keeps on pushing me, asking me why i dont have a boyfriend etc. I cant find a way to tell her without her hating me for it. My dad, i dont knowmy dad's opinion about this kind of stuff, he never talks about it, but i am still scared to say nething. I am hoping that i can finish school without telling them and then go and live my life the way i want it, show it to them in that way, but i am not sure.
Also, telling my friends. I am in a bit of a situation. I know i like my best friend, we are really close, and i basically tell ehr everything, except for this and that fact that i quite possibly love her. I know people might think that we can't love people at the age of 17, and maybe that's true, but i know that i really want to tell my friend about it. It's just, i ahve had so many chances to, i always get too scared. I am also thinking that she might be gay too, hahaha, just the way she acts, and one of my friends actually asked if we were girlfriends, but it seems that we are both holding back on eachother, and we act like we are girlfriends (minus any kissing and stuff) but niether of us will tell the other what she feels.
Like yesterday, she asked if i wanted to go have coffee, and i was like, yeah totally, and then she said "it's a date!" and got all blushy and embarassed. Should i just tell her? Should i just tell my parents?
She says all this stuff, that we are soulmates, that i am like her twin, that my parents will never stop our friendship, and i am thinking, well what is she getting at here? I am just afraid that if i say something, she might get turned off.
Hmmm, i am just getting more confused and fustrated by the second. It is normally this difficult?
lifty

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If you're gonna get up, you might as well get up with me - Tegan and Sara

Saving Myself

Hi Lifty! I think many people understand what you're going through, in terms of confusion and being scared off of telling people even when the opportunities arise. (Hey, just look at my story a few posts above yours! ) It sounds to me like your friend is trying to tell you something, but I don't want to jump to any conclusions just yet. If you're worried about her not liking you back, I would start by telling her that you're gay, and see how she reacts to that. It might give you some clues about how to proceed afterwards.

Sometimes this is a long and slow process. I've known for sure that I was bi since I was 17 (your age!), and while I'm involved in my campus GSA and have a lot of gay friends, I still am not really out to anyone. At this point, it's half fear of people's reactions and half comfort with the way things are right now (and reluctance to throw anything out of balance). But there will be opportunities for you to say something, and you'll get it out there. I hope things go well for you!

Saena

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Ellie: God, why are you such a pessimist?
Jack: I dont know, maybe because bad things keep happening to me?!
-"The Tribe"

hey seana,
i read your story and it is indeed very long. Considering your circumstances i think you should just go for it. But i agree that it is the easiest to come out to people over chat forums like this, where you know you cant see the reaction, and basically most people here would understand. But if you are comfotable and happy with the way things are in your life now, and you think that coming out to people will disrupt the peace, maybe you should just let people figure it out themselves.
Yeah! How annoying is it when you don't understand about your close friend? Well, maybe you could work it out if she got a boyfriend.
But I don't think you need to be in any rush. As you said before, these things take time. People aren't standing around waiting for you to tell them, so don't feel too pressured. Why dont you practise? hmmm, i know this is going a bit far. But work out the worse possible case scenarios that could happen if you told your parents, or your friends, and understand that if someone turns away from you or is mean to you about it, they will hopefully get over it because you are still the same PERSON.
So good luck to you aswell!
lifty

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If you're gonna get up, you might as well get up with me - Tegan and Sara

Saving Myself

Lifty-

Thank you. I love how we each addressed our own problems by trying to address each other's. Best of luck to you.

I am taking my time, kind of letting it happen when it happens. It's easier on forums, but I have a feeling it won't be long before I'm out to most everyone. Thank you to everyone who responded to my post, I really appreciated it.

Saena

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Ellie: God, why are you such a pessimist?
Jack: I dont know, maybe because bad things keep happening to me?!
-"The Tribe"

Well, eek, here I am...my first posting. It seems like I should post here since I'm really struggling and that's how I found this place. I'd first like to say that I absolutely love Buffy, so am ecstatic that I found a board that is T/W-centered and supports GLBT.

So, have--what I feel--is a really long complicated story. I'm 29 and I just randomly came to this realization that I am definately bisexual, maybe lesbian. I'm recently divorced and had no plans to date anybody. I was in bed one night thinking over things and felt really happy and thought to myself, "I have the chance to date a woman."

So, I thought I might get some information from this girl I know from class. (We're in the same graduate program and she's out/politically active, so she seemed like a good person to approach.) I was thinking I'd just get some pamphlets or something and deal with it if I decided to date. That email is like a huge turning point in my life.

I can't get the whole thing out of my mind. I couldn't eat for three days. (Literally). I went out and got totally smashed even though I haven't had a drink in 4 years. Half the time I thought back on all the things in my life I didn't notice and half of the other time I thought why did I send that email? It's been a week now and I'm doing a bit better, although I'm still not eating much. I've been reading around and I just don't "fit in" anywhere, i.e. I always knew I didn't like men or there was just something different about me.

Well, that's it! I'm going to check around on some other threads. I have tons more to say, but I know people hate reading super long posts. I tried to be short and it was still long!

Well, I'm by no means an expert. But I can tell you that you shouldn't worry about "fitting in" to a certain group. I know that sounds cliched, but it's true. I don't think I fit in to a certain group, but I try not to worry about it. Live life the way you want and just do what feels right.

And please, don't hurt yourself worrying about this stuff. It's important, but it's not good to stop eating. Drinking a bit is fine, but I'd hate to hear about you getting hurt. Just be safe and try not to stress too much.

Not sure if any of that helped, so I'll just be going now. *tiptoes away*

~Sara

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How far will she go to save her life?

Find out in Speak Easy

Hey, newcole. Welcome to the Kitten! We're glad you found us.

I'll second Sara about fitting in. And you actually fit in really well with all the other people who don't feel like they fit in. You are definitely not alone.

Sounds like you're having to get to know yourself all over again now. I know it's a very stressful and turbulent time, but it can also be a great time if you give yourself the time and space to adjust to this new stuff, and try to focus on just letting yourself be what you naturally are.

Welcome again. Take care of yourself!

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Thanks Guys!

I'm feeling really bummed this morning. There's is only the one person I told and when I talked to her on the phone the other day we had made some tentative plans for today--I'm sure more because I was freaked out that out than anything (conversation ended in "are you safe?") but she hasn't gotten back to me.

I even saw her in class after we'd made plans, etc, so it's not like either of us dropped off the planet. And things seemed normal. She asked if I was feeling better, etc . I said, yes and apologized for calling when I was THAT upset and she was like DON'T apologize. I think she thinks I have a crush on her, but that totally is not what it's about. I just wanted to sit down and talk it out with in person with somebody who'd gone through the same thing. Face to face.

From what we have talked about so far it hasn't been as long as I thought since she came out of the closet herself and she is only out to her mom and a few friends, which surprised me because she seems really confident of herself and when I met her in class she didn't have to tell me she was lesbian. She also speaks openly in support of GLBT issues and politics. (Which I know doesn't make somebody gay. It just seemed to add up to her being confident w/her sexual identity.)

I totally get, though, if she's not ready to try and talk to somebody else about it, but she hasn't said that, although I've hinted around it to see if she says that. (Disclaimer here: I know being gay is not mental disorder am just relating emotional aspect, etc.) Years ago I was hospitalized for an eating disorder and shortly after one of the professors I was v. friendly w/asked if I wanted to speak to his class about it, etc. I told him no, though, because at that point I was just working on getting up and in the morning and eating the right rood, you know? But, two years later, I was chairperson of eating disorders awareness week at my college and speaking on a panel about it. I just wish she would tell me if she were in a place that she couldn't tell her story to me.

I mean, I know she's not the lesbian community or anything, but it hard not to feel rejected when the first person you tell says, "Thanks for telling me, but I don't want to talk to you anymore!" I thought because we were in the same graduate program at school (small cohort of 25 people) and had have known each other for a year it would be okay.

K, sorry again for this being so long! This week has been so complicated!

OK, update on story. These days I have a girlfriend who I'm in love with and my parents are really happy that I'm happy and Claudia has been coming to family gatherings and stuff and has been treated like a member of the family.
However I would like to kill my mother.
Up until Saturday, I wasn't out to my slightly homophobic grandmother (although mother outed me to my aunt a few weeks back and magically I seem to be out to everyone else, which saves time). I wanted to wait until Claudia's third family gathering so grandma could get to know her and see how happy I was around her so that then she would both already like Claudia and be happy that I was happy and thus take my outing better than she had my other two cousins outings.
During the week Mum had asked me if it was ok if she told grandma. I told her very clearly that I wanted to handle it my way and that under no cercumstances did I want Mum to tell her on Saturday (Claudia's second gathering).
After we got back to my aunts place from the restaurant (where we went to celebrate my aunts birthday) we were all sitting around drinking coffee. Claudia and I were on one side of the room talking to my cousin and playing with his 2 youngest kids, grandma was sitting by herself on the other side of the room and Mum and my aunt were talking in the kitchen.
my aunt came over to talk to me and Claudia and Mum went over to talk to Grandma. An apparently serious talk judging by their expressions. But I wasn't worried, because I (foolishly) trusted my mother.
However, upon hearing Grandma loudly expclaim 'How did she become THAT sort of person? What did you do wrong?' I started to have a few warning bells go off.
After some more ranting and raving in a similar vein, Mum decided that it was time for us to go.

Since then Claudia has felt awkward and uncomfortable and now doesn't feel OK around my family.
I have had strong words with Mother over how she can no longer be trusted and on how many levels her actions were not OK.
Grandma isn't talking to me or acknowleding my existance to other family members.

However that said, Claudia will come around and the relationship is still strong (thank murray for the dykey stereotype of over talking everything through).
Mum now gets how much of a bitchfaced act that was and is trying to make it up to us.
Grandma is old and forgets stuff, or she'll just get used to it like she did with the last two outings.

But still, the story needed shareing, mum needs to be glared at profusley and my outing to my grandmother did not go as I planned (which, by the way, had it been done as I planned, she would have been more OK with it)

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Sleeping Beauty had to rescue herself.

wow I don't blame you for being angry with your mother! I think she should of kept it to herself, especially after you made it very clear that you didn't want her to tell you nan anything! Oh dear, well hope-fully your nan will come round and start speaking to you again, I mean its not the end of the world, your still the same person!

Im very saved it to my self, recently acepting it so Im very sorry i think I cant help anyone here, I think I will not tell any one yet, not until.. I dont know, Im very closed to my self, allways been in that way

Hun, if thats how you feel, then thats great! You don't have to tell anyone, it's entirley your decision, it's a personal thing and you do have to accept it yourself before bracing yourself for other people's reactions.

yes, you are right thanks, any way it fell very nice to talk to people who understand like the kittens

Yes, I agree, it is nice to get everything off your chest sometimes, life can be very difficult sometimes. Its good to have an outlet!

i know im a lesbian i have been since i can remember, my problem is telling my friends and co workers. ive told most of my family, my mum, stepdad and sister took it brilliantly. my supposed dad and his sons (my half brothers) didnt.my dad was alright at first, but then my first girlfriend when they met told me they loved each other,although nothing happened that i know of it hurt so much.
then when i moved away from my mum to live with him i met my current girlfriend, we've been together nearly 6 years.then he changed, he wouldnt try to get to know her and said he didnt like her without even knowing her and started saying stuff like i got 4 sons and dont want another.
then christmas 2005 i told my dad i wanted to spend christmas with her and her family (whom i live with) as i hadnt before, and he hasent spoke to me since, he even walks past me as if im no-one, my anger at this eats me inside, even though i try telling myself its his problem.
Anyway, my problem is if my OWN dad can act like this how will my friends & co workers react, i dont want to lose their friendships even though they say "you cant tell me (them) anything and good friends dont judge.im so scared this will hold me back for the rest of my life.

adwrsj - Wow. I'm so incredibly sorry to hear that your dad has reacted like that. It sounds like you are in a loving relationship and very happy and understanding of who you are.

You ask about coming out to other people because if your father reacts like that won't other people be worse (or that's my interpretation of what you're saying). My experience has been that oftentimes people who aren't close to us or aren't related have a much easier time accepting us for who we are. They have less invested and fewer pre-concieved notions. Please don't let your father's reaction keep you from sharing yourself with others who care about you. Be wise and gentle in your disclosures but trust those you love enought to allow them to love the true you.

Good luck.

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Menorah Tales | Working It Out | Random Bits

I am dating this girl that my parents think is only a friend but I don't want them to meet her because the way we are we when are around ech other is really obvious we are going out. People at my school know though because they see us in the halls. My mom knows that I have dated girls before but she is against it and my Dad has no idea. I am afriad they they are going to find out some how though.

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I'm me

I have a big problem with coming out. I know that my family and most of my friends are homophobic. If anyone find out, my live will turn into living hell. I started to avoid my friends, because I'm afraid that I will say something wrong and they will find out. So I can't be really myself.

Vixen - that's really hard and you have my sympathy. I'm glad that you've found this forum because there will always be a lot of friendly people here who won't judge or dislike you for who you are. Many of us have been through difficult times as well and are good listeners.

Good luck.

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Menorah Tales | Working It Out | Random Bits

There not real friends then hun, friends who stick by you, still care for you no matter what sex you like, they don't judge you for something you can't help. Ditch them, get yourself a real support system, by that, I mean friends who are open minded and will help you.