A Moment of Truth

[midnightmoonsong]

Ewwwww.....ok since this is confession time here we go.My first fear is that yall are going to read this and think im a freek because thats how i feel most of the time,ok maybe not freek but definatly abnormal !! Here go's nothing.I went from being a 145 pound woman when i met my husband to gaining about a hundred pounds all because deep down inside im bi sexual and couldnt tell another person if my life depended on it....i walk around depressed all the time because i dont feel that i can be myself,what on earth would everyone think? My marriage has been pretty much sexless for several years now,i know that i love my husband but there are needs that i have that he cannot fill and while im on a roll here i may as well let it all out add to all of the above that im a wiccan minister and stamp the word freek to my forhead and call it a day !!
Tara

[summer fairy]

I don't think your a freak at all! Don't put yourself down, why not look at your good points? I'm sure there are plenty!

[littlewicca]

I know about what you are talking about, I mean Im 20 but, when i started to think that I was in that way, I thoug I will never tell any one!, I will find a boy if that is necesary and be with him even if i dont love him, but the time pass and I changed my opinion, why? because I think no one is a freak at all and every one if free to be who he/she is, every one deserve to be happy and if you are not happy in that way you know what you have to do, allways acting well not to lie to someone because it could hurt the person, is allways up to you, you are the one who know what make you happy

[summer fairy]

Yes very true.

[Lifty]

hahha, well i know for a fact that the words "freak"and "weirdo"and "loser"do not apply to ANYONE!

[EndlessDestiny]

Sometimes I'm not sure if one of my friends really likes me. She's nice most of the time, but sometimes she teases me. "You'd like that if they were both girls". She says things like that, and sometimes in front of people I barely know. And whenever I mention a movie or book I like, she assumes that there are lesbians in it. I don't know why she does it. I don't think I did anything to make her angry at me. I keep thinking that if I was straight I wouldn't have to deal with any of this stuff. Sometimes I just want to give up and get a boyfriend to make people happy.

[mangled_monkey]

I want to give ^her a hug because this crap is always far too complicated. *Hugs EndlessD anyway* It'll get better...

[littlewicca]

you are right, i dont think you should do that! why make people happy? they wont be happy if you are with a girl or a boy, they just want you to be who they want! and no one can get all what they want! so,

lets think something,
you cant get every thing you want
you want me to be as you want
im happy as i am
you wont have me as you want, this is me, so you like it or no, but you wont be happier if i wasnt gay.

that is what i think, so giving up? what you say? you be happy as you want my friend!

[Willowtree252]

Endless D sweetie I don,t think it matters if you a gay or strait see the problem here is her not you she is bulling you to make herself feel better or bigger in the eyes of others. people can be cruel and sometimes people who call themself,s friend are the worse. Don,t you ever give in to pressure of any kind cause when it is all said and done the only one that matters is you and you are wonderful be happy my friend . Dianne

[littlewicca]

well thats what i mena girl!

[summer fairy]

Di basically said all I was gonna say, she knows what she's talking about, so listen to her, don't do something your against just to please people, make yourself happy!

[littlewicca]

i dont, im to scared to come out from the close yet

[Willowtree252]

LW you don,t have to come out till you are ready you have found a family here and we all care and understand so don,t do anything you don,t want just be happy

[littlewicca]

i know, thanks! you are allways right, i think so. I want to come out some day, but as I said is complicated, all of you know that, thanks again, i know this is like a family

[summer fairy]

hey hun, you do it in your own time, we are all here for you, you have me on msn, when you need to talk I am there, remember that!

[littlewicca]

Thank yopu very much, both, you are very sweet! really thanks

[writerfreak]

A moment of truth, again eh. Well, here goes. I feel like I deserve everything thats going on right now. Only because I feel like I could have stopped it. I could have fixed it sooner. And I didn't. I let it slide. So in short, its all my fault.

writerfreak

[writerfreak]

Another moment of truth, of course, even though I posted one yesterday, I seem to do this a lot when I'm upset. So here goes. Today, its only 1 oclock in the afternoon and already the pain is so great. She came here today, brought the kids and I took them to the park. It went great, honestly the park went wonderful. I had a great time, the kids had a great time, even she had a great time. The bad part, it hurt like hell. Doing that, being there, and knowing that I'm not really a part of that, I was just along for the ride because they were in my town. But I'm still an outsider, I'm not part of their family, and at the end of the day, she still lives there and I still live here because she needs me to stay away. She says it wont be like this forever, but I can't bring myself to believe it. I'm not going to fit in with their little family, I'm just the girl who is trying to intrude on it. That's my truth right now. And its killing me inside.

writerfreak

[EndlessDestiny]

Sometimes I don't think it's worth waiting to get some kind of experience. It seems to me that a kiss or something would make my sexuality clear to me without really any doubt. Sometimes I don't know if it's worth waiting to meet the right person and then the time it would take to kiss them. Would it really be that bad if I went to a club or something and kissed some random person. It's not the romantic first kiss I want, but it's better than nothing.

[Saena]

Before I go on, I want to acknowledge EndlessDestiny's post. There are times that I completely sympathize with how you feel. But I know that (for me) it feels more right to be patient than to rush into anything. I often wonder if I drag my feet too much in the romance department, but I can't entirely convince myself that this is totally a bad thing.

Well, come to think of it, that was a Moment of Truth right there...do I get two in one post?

OK, the Truth I came here to say: Sometimes I wish that I could just live this entire fall and winter over again. Not the events in particular (many of which I would never wish to experience ever again), but the seasons in general. I feel like I'm letting the atmosphere of life pass me by, as I get caught up in controlling the areas that are falling out of place. Today as I was doing my homework, I felt the warm spring air and suddenly- inexplicably- missed winter. I felt as though it had passed me by. And I am a little upset by that.

Saena

[mangled_monkey]

I don't really have a truth, I just thought the three girls from Maryland, all around the same age, and all from the same area, should post one after another in the same thread. And... none of us have met either of the others in person.

Or, that can be my truth! I've never met the above two posters.

[Saena]

Maryland rules! (Does that count as a truth?) Hey, we should have a MD thread!

Saena

[EndlessDestiny]

lol

[Sapphire eyes]

I have been coping with the washing side of obsessive compulsive dissorder for 2 years now. I am talking to someone for it and am really trying to get better, sometimes it's so hard though anjd sometimes it isn't 100% about my fear of "germs" but it's a stress relief thing, like the soap and the water and the action of washing my hands it calms me down and it started wqhen I was going through a bad period with my ex and also at the time my stepdad was being mean to the family and I felt like I couldn't control anything so my obsessive washing of my hands became something I could control it sounds insane I know and I don't even know why I am saying this. I am going every week for councelling and am doing things to help me deal with it and I believe I am coping much better. But I can't ehlp but think that my anxiousness about my bi-sexuality is also adding to my OCD in the sense that I am trying forever to hide it from my family and my friends and thus turn to handwashing sometriems as a form of release...I have tried to say it to my family- about my sexuality but my mother would be so upset, I told my brother and he didn't believe me and my sisters think that the wholew thing would be "weird" so I avoid telling them and turn to handwashing as a cope thing but I am doing so much better now so I guess I am proud of overcoming my OCD day by day it gets a bit better.

[Numen]

"Maybe I'd have a girlfriend, who wouldn't live about 200km apart from me five days at week, and when we would be like 2 km from each others at weekend, she still would be faraway at the other side of country or some other way un-reachable". That's pretty much sums up my feelings right now. Eventhough I feel feelings that I haven't felt for anybody else, still I'm not sure if this is gonna work. I know I should talk to her if I want to make things better, but talking about things like that isn't my strong points. All the time I'm afraid she'll leave me, just like last time. I don't want to be that numb mess I had been, and still in the way are. But at the same, I've been assuming crash position. So if (or morelikely when) I again got letter baiscally saying "it's over, sorry" I'm probably like "Oh. Again. Great, I knew I'm not good enough for her"

[mangled_monkey]

I really hate my tendency to have more than one crush at a time, and also my tendency to fall only for girls that I'm not good enough for, or that I would never work with because they're still hung up on their ex's, or just don't want me in the first place. *sigh* it sucks.

[JujuDeRoussie]

My ex sent me another message today... it has been two years since I broke up and she says she can't move on... I feel bad for her, I don't love her anymore, but I can feel her pain through her words and I feel guilty 'cause I am the one who broke up...
I can't even talk with her because it hurts her so much, and then she upsets me and angry words are shared between us. so I don't even reply to her... and her friends keep insulting me and threatening me... *sighs* Love isn't easy... and I wish I could just love her but I can't...; I don't love her, and I'm not gonna fake feelings just for her.... it wouldn't be honest and I want to be honest.
Anyway... I just wanted to ewpress all of that.

[Boschi]

There is this line between knowing when your judgement is off and trusting your instincts, and I struggle with that like mad. The past few years I've learned to let feelings take their course and not affect my life sometimes. It's a healthy thing sometimes, especially when anxiety or depression kick in.

But it's also basically detachment.

This creates a catch-22 in social situations. Both my current gf and a long term ex had issues with how I dealt with social situations sometimes, complaining that I was prickly or closed off.

I often do get the sensation that I do not belong in a crowd. I'll admit that straight up. But sometimes that perception is based on others reactions to me too. Sorting out which parts of my reaction are internal and possibly "off" and which parts are social intuition is a bit tricky.

If I decide that my reaction is "off", I tend to try to detach myself from those feelings, which functionally detaches me from my social instincts and leaves me relying on playing a role of friendliness. It's painful to be stuck interacting with a group of people through a fundamentally insincere role and then to be judged, either by myself or someone else, for being closed off or insincere.

My gf has a knack for being blunt and honest with me that I very much appreciate. Sometimes, however, she blindsides me with it. This weekend was one of those times. We were in a group that I really didn't feel in synch with. When I mentioned this, she pretty much just said to get over it, because I was too invested in being separate from others.
And so at the moment, I'm pretty detached from her too.

When she does this it tends to bring back up some particularly emotionally brutal feelings I associate with the break up from aforementioned long term ex. Ya know, those "my, I think I'm going to vomit and I don't think I can stand up anymore because all previous assumptions and trust just got thrown out the window" feelings.

I don't feel like I have any trustworthy reference points to determine when my judgement is off and when her words are inappropriate or inconsiderate. I wish a little that she would give my perceptions, even if they may be "off", a little more weight.

So I'm currently swimming around in ponderances of whether I'm emotionally equipped to be in any relationship right now.

[Auriam]

I feel like i don't want to go to college anymore !
This morning i went for 2 hours, and i had 4 hours i miss a test and i don't care !
This afternoon i went to my class but after 1 hour i came back home.
Tomorow i won't go either !

[summer fairy]

I feel so much more like I can be me! I just feel like totally changing my apperance and get on with things MY way! I'm just in one of those moments!