A Moment of Truth

[Auriam]

It's strange cause i love my little sister more than my older ones (who are my blood) !
She is always here for me when i need her, even if that mean me tease her a lot.
She is very sweet and won't let her go for anything in world!
It's my baby sister of MINE.
Thank you Julia for being here for me, i love you so much.

[JujuDeRoussie]

I love my big sister like my own blood and I care about her a lot. I wish I could be her real sister to know her since childhood. But not, so I'm just glad to know her know.

I love you very much Aurélie, and you're an angel for me, you're here for me too, even if it's by teasing me

so this is my moment of truth: I have my own family, and you're the dearest member of it. Thank you for this.

[EndlessDestiny]

Lots of times at night I just start worrying about things. I have a weird fear of dying in my sleep, so lots of my worries are about that. I hate it.

[summer fairy]

I also tend to worry at night, its usually because I am not tired and I think to much about things, I make sure I am really tired before I go to bed, that way I'm to sleepy to worry!

[Willowtree252]

I don,t like being alone

[summer fairy]

I love visiting my brother and his family!

[Willowtree252]

I love my friends but we may not always agree with everything and you know what else thats alright cause the second thay do you wonder hmmm are thay just telling me what I want to hear and I am so not like that I tell the truth good are bad and when I say something I mean it. sometimes misunderstanding,s happen and you just stop and say explain cause this is a big world and not everyone understands everything. sometimes we hurt each others feeling,s and not even know it. But that is what it is to be a friend to care and to forgive to just be there for each other as always I love my friends and wouldent trade them for the world Dianne

[writerfreak]

Been a while since I've visited this thread, a while since my long lonely sleepless nights, but of course they are returning. My moment of truth, she left me. And my heart has shattered into millions of tiny little pieces. I locked myself in the house, cut off from the world, just to lay in bed all day and read and cry and try to clear my head. Figure out where it all went wrong, which leads to my second moment of truth. I saw it coming and didn't stop it. Didn't know how to. The argument was so bad......and I don't even remember what it was about.

writerfreak

[Sapphire eyes]

I woke up today missing Nina but I haven't seen her for 3 years....I wonder what she is doing now..... *sings* "summer dreams ripped at the seams but Oh those summer ni-ights"
Nina I know you will never read this but you rocked my world!

[Bound2Her]

I wanna move back home. Even though I hate it there, even though I'm completely miserable there and have no friends. At this moment, anywhere is better then here. Really.

[love_2003]

My moment of truth:
i'm scared that i might get kicked out of school for not having a high enough gpa this semester. i could have avoided this by taking my medicine, but i don't like the idea that in order for me to function 'normally' i have to take pills everyday. that at age 22 when i should be graduating from college this semester i have barely enough credits to be considered a sophmore. that my younger sister is already farther in school than me. that my older sister has so much control over my emotions with just her words. that my medical bills are too much for my mom. that even though i have so many relatives and friends around me i feel so alone all the time. that if they found out who i trully am and how i trully felt of myself they wouldn't be around.
and finally.....
after everything i've put my mom through she still loves me, eventhough i wish she wouldn't, because then if i knew she hated me it would be a lot easier to leave.

[edgyqueen]

Love 2003,

I can relate to your struggles with needing daily medication to be "normal". I was diagnosed with clinical depression when I was 17, and I'm still taking medication today at age 30. I've gone on and off the pills, and tried several different prescriptions. Right now I'm on something that's really working for me.

My wish for you is that you eventually come to terms with the fact that Mood Disorders like Depression, Bipolar Disorder, OCD, anxiety, etc. are just like other illnesses. If you were diagnosed with Diabetes or Hypertension, surely you wouldn't feel negatively about needing maintenance prescriptions! Try to cut yourself some slack; you deserve it!

Maybe you aren't exactly where you wish you were in terms of your education right now, but at least you're hanging in there and trying! Living with Mood Disorders is a special challenge. You deserve serious kudos for continuing to persevere AND accomplishing some great things along the way. So what if you "should be" graduating this semester? Look at how far you've come!

When I finally hit rock bottom with Depression at 17, I had no choice but to drop out of high school. For the next three years I lived with my parents and just took one day at a time. Finally -when I felt ready- I got a GED and enrolled in college. I was petrified! I continued to have my share of serious challenges with Depression throughout college, but I eventually made it. You can too!!!

Big hugs to you, and kisses as well:

[writerfreak]

First off, let me say an extreme THANK YOU to everyone who has pmed me their support with my last moment of truth. It helps to know that there are so many out there to offer the words as you all have. Every little bit helps. Now onto my actual moment of truth. She and I are talking again. We're halfway together, and she has explained all of her reasons for why she did what she did. Basically it came down to me or someone else and she chose me, which did strike me as a bit funny and a lot like W/T. Especially cause the other was a guy, her kids father. However I am still very cautious and currently am sitting here fighting off tears because I just don't know. I really don't want to go through those few days when everything is all a blur of tears and pain again. My truth, is I am very scared right now. I'm afraid that she is going to shatter me. And what is worse, I wouldn't have it any other way. As I told my dear friend, one happy second with her is worth a year of bad ones. Even if she breaks my heart.

writerfreak

[Saena]

I was just talking about this on the Hotness of You thread, and I really wasn't intending to make good on that promise to make a long post about it here so soon. But here goes.

My rant is about weight. I know no girl is ever truly satisfied with herself- we all have things about us we wish we could change. Well, I'm the same way. Here are the facts: I'm about 5'4" and I weigh under 100 pounds. To be exact, I average about 92 lbs. on a normal day, although it does wiggle a little bit. I have no eating disorders whatsoever; I eat as much if not more than many of my friends, get semi-regular exercise in the form of dance, and my immune system is probably pretty strong, because I don't get sick a lot. Generally I'm a healthy person.

I'm not entirely able to pinpoint why I continue to be the size I am. Part of it may be the way I was born- I was a few weeks premature, and I have a twin sister, so I was sharing the womb, as it were. That may have contributed, but it doesn't necessarily explain why I've stuck that way. I also did get regular exercise in my childhood, so that may have contributed; and the typical "I have a fast metabolism" probably does apply (considering how I remain tiny even when I'm not getting as much exercise).

As I mentioned in the Hotness thread, I don't necessarily want to drastically change my size. I like being small because it has its perks- I believe I listed "optimum hugging size" and "ability to be picked up" as some of them. I also fit into really cute clothes and I am really flexible. These are all great. But I feel like there are significant downsides to being the way I am. A couple of them have to do with the media- for instance, people who are this small often have eating disorders to get that way. I have never in my life eaten in any way except normally, and I'm constantly afraid that people might see me and think I'm unhealthy. On the flipside, the media tends to glorify skinny people as being attractive and ideal, which I don't think is true. I look at people with larger body types- not overweight, but normal-sized- and I think they are absolutely beautiful. I'm not sure I would necessarily date someone as small as I am, because I don't find it very attractive at all. On other people or on myself.

Lately I've started having real issues with it. Stress caused a lot of problems for me, and most of them have gone away- except my body image is still shaken up. Despite being self-conscious about weight, in high school I actually had a pretty high opinion of myself- I thought there was reallly nothing wrong with me, all things considered. My opinion has changed quite a bit, though. To be honest, I look in the mirror and what I see disappoints me on good days and horrifies me on bad ones. I look at my arms in pictures and realize how thin they are, and it really saddens me. I observe that I have no real pronounced chest or hips or butt, and I feel somehow less of a woman because I don't have a figure. I look at my tiny body and feel like it makes me smaller emotionally, weaker emotionally. I never felt that way before this year. And that in turn frightens me, because I know it's a horrible way to look at myself and I should find some way to turn it around. But I can't seem to fix the way I am, so I just get frustrated about it. Even as I see the perks, even as overall I'm happy with it and sincerely wouldn't want a drastic change, I continue to be uncomfortable with the way I look.

It got brought up here because my friend (who is on the heavier side) has done a great job and lost 11 pounds this month- without becoming obsessive about it, she just became more active and it happened naturally. She's got this weight plan set up for the summer, and so we got to talking about her body image. Because she's a close enough friend to ask these sorts of questions, she asked my roommate and I how much we weigh. I couldn't bring myself to say the actual number; I just said "under 100 pounds" and left it at that. And I felt so ashamed afterwards, that when she left the room I nearly cried. I know I need to stop seeing the number and focusing on the number; it's just the same as it is for people who are overweight. I'm healthy, and that's what matters.

But I'm rambling. And the long and short of it is: my Moment of Truth is that I hate the way I look. Just like everyone else.

Saena

[mangled_monkey]

I had one of those nights last night, the big ol life altering ones that you don't even realize changed you until later. I don't think it's even fully hit me yet how much it's affected me. It's funny how a perfectly innocent question can lead to revelations you didn't even know COULD be made about you; how in a few short sentences someone can show they understand you far more than you knew. How in the same time span, someone else can show that they never understood you at all, no matter how much you thought they did. I realized last night that some of my friends have a higher opinion of me than I knew, and that others have a far lower one than I expected.

I learned that one of the people I've been relying on most for the past few months doesn't even care about me at all, and that one person I've been avoiding talking to (not on purpose, but it's still avoidance) is the person I probably should have been talking to all along.

It always blindsides me when life throws these curveballs, and I'm still not even sure how I feel about it.

[umgaynow]

I'm a life-long insomniac and it's getting worse...look at the time on this posting for chrissake!

[Justified12]

I'm so focused on ignoring all the cruel realities of my life that I have no concentration left for school... i had my senior year all planned out, i was gonna get awesome grades, very rarely become stressed due to support from my girlfriend and then move in with her at the end of the year... and then she left me... she picked up and left and it was no fault of my own... something which she has made clear various times... but I'm still the one who got screwed over... and now, after the anger and tears have past... i realize that all my plans are ruined... i'm not doing my homework... and i feel emotionless...

I feel closer to everyone on the board than I do to anyone in real life right now... and therefore i have become slightly obsessed with cruising the board instead of doing my homework... I am so confused... and at the worst possible time. I still plan on moving at the end of the year... but its to another country...I don't know if that means I'm running away or just needing a new start... I don't know if I even care... I just want to go now...

[gorn]

Justified12,
Same kind of thing happened to me my last year of school. Looking back now it doesn't seem quite as traumatic as you're describing, but at the time it probably was. I doubt this will be much comfort now, but in 15 years I wager you'll be looking back on it the same way as I do now. You might even be posting some support for another soul going through the same thing you did. Who knows? Time is funny that way. What I remember most from those times is the long nights drinking and the support from my closest friends ... more so than the face of the girl who caused it all.

After graduation, I ran off to another country, too. I think it's a great idea - changed my life completely. I ended up living there for 10 years, made an entirely new life for myself, and married a beautiful woman. I'm not saying the same thing is going to happen to you, but rather that ANYTHING can happen when you set foot outside of the normal circle of your life. It takes a kind of courage to make that decision to go, though, regardless of whether you're running away from something or running towards something. Doesn't really matter which. Use that courage to start something new! The bigger that first step, the more liberating it is.

Don't worry about your loss of focus now. It takes time to get over these things. When you're ready to start getting things back together, let your future plans be your goal, something concrete you can work towards. To this day, I have never been so focused in my life than when I was trying to go to Japan. I wish I could tap into that energy again, but I've never quite been able to. Maybe I'm too old, or perhaps too content. I don't know. That was a unique turning point in my life; maybe it will be for you, too.

[Justified12]

gorn,

thanks so much for the advice. Hearing about how well things turned out for you gives me faith in the idea of starting anew. I know things will get easier with time and that when I'm ready to get back on track, I will... I guess I'm just a little confused as to what happens in the meantime. As for moving at the end of the year, your right, its a really good idea to focus on working towards. I'm very excited about taking the step... I can barely wait.

Justified xo

[umgaynow]

I have been purposely avoiding my best friend...she is just entering menopause and all she wants to do is fight or lecture me about what's wrong with my life

Also she has been having weekly meetings, which started out as chats and now are called bible study with the Jehovah's Witnesses and she has changed completely from the person I became friends with...suddenly she is all worried that being queer makes her an abomination, she is now ashamed of being a jew (although she never practiced) now believing that throughout history Jews have been moneygrubbing bastards and suddenly believes in creationism down to the letter and keeps "challenging me" to attend her bible study...

When we met she was closer to being a buddhist than anything, an absolute believer in reincarnation and the learning process that is the cycle of the soul...but was widely interested in all world religions, she would never have even considered the idea that there was anything wrong with being queer and she thought that Jesus was a great man and a prophet but not necessarily God and that no religion could know the mind of God enough to be the "right" one...I won't even get into the thing about the Jews...that whole thing is just too creepy

I am afraid that she is being brainwashed, she has changed diametrically and I am afraid to say anything because she will just go off on me about my intolerance...she actually called me a liar when I said I had read the bible cover to cover and used to read the Psalms at bed time...just because I had never mentioned it to her before...I believe that one's spiritual beliefs are a personal thing between them and their higher power...and I consider the bible to be a great work of literature but far too diluted from the original text to be taken as a word for word guide to life...she used to share most of these same views and used to know that I don't lie...that I am adamantly opposed to lying and won't be friends with anyone who does it...I am losing the friend that I knew and loved...it's like she laid down next to a pod and woke up this alien being...this is all freaking me out, but I am too chickenshit to say anything to her

Sandi

[writerfreak]

Moment of Truth. A month is a really long time. Really really long time. I can't see her for a month. Stupid Shawn. Stupid work. Stupid shit. Blah. I hate having to wait a month. I miss her too much already.

writerfreak

[MYTARA]

I am tired of wallowing in selfpity and I am going to go back to being my self I lost that for a while. why because I started living and needing all my friends to talk and live in there lives. I love them all but damit I can,t depend on them to make me happy. Happy is what is inside of me with or without them that is the true me. I wont change for anyone see everyone needs something but I can only be me and if that is not what thay are looking for then find someone else. It is not all there fault thay are great but I need to have me time and I got swept away. I can not tell them this thay would not understand but I can show them it was the real me thay came to love in the first place. Guess what world I 'm back

[Willowtree252]

"Les gens me déçoivent"

[CrazyTaraWitch]

sometimes i think i'm a bad person, for more reasons than i can count; no one big horrible thing i've ever done, just...who i am and who i've been. i'm really dishonest and most of the time for no reason, i care far too much about what people think, and say and do certain things in hopes of being accepted, and i feel like if people really knew me--all the things i've said, and thought, and done--most of my friends wouldn't want anything to do with me. the worst thing is, just when i think i'm over some of my issues, they always come back to bite me in the ass.

[JujuDeRoussie]

It is strange sometimes the human feelings... Currently i spend my nights talking with friends, the day other friends invit me even if I tell no most of the time... but strangely I feel like I am all alone...
I know that I am not... but at the same time I am... it saddens me.

Sometimes I try to be friendly with people I don't know very well... not yet anyway... but most of the time I feel like I am annoying... I know that I should stop talking to them and wait if they come by themselves tak to me... ut I always fear that they won't... insecure much? yes it is me!! I will try to stop and wait... but I fear I'll be disappointed...

I should also try to call daphné... because waiting something falling from the sky isn't helpful...

anyway... that was my moemnt of truth... I feel sad and alone.

[Willowtree252]

oh Juju it would be easy for me to say don,t feel that way but I cannot tell you how to think or feel.

It was just earler this week that I put this "Les gens me déçoivent" anyone can say this is not true but actions speak louder than word,s don,t thay. Don,t let this drag you down, put your heart on the line. I do everyday for if we don,t then we rob ourselves not the other,s yes we may get hurt but such is life and it is well worth it. Now get off your rear and go grab that tiger by the tail and live. I will not lie, you maybe hurt but that is a chance you must take.

A very good friend of mine had a tough time teaching me a hard lesson ( people come, people go) because to me friendship last a life time but that is not true but we go on. I love all my friends all in a special way and when thay are not with me thay are still with me. we may not talk all the time but that dident mean thay cared any less. RL is a cruel mistress and keep,s us busy but when we are all able to get together it is a blessing.


others may not care for how I think but this is my moment of truth

[summer fairy]

I seem to come across as a heartless bitch but I have my reasons, I am not going to mope around for acting upon those reasons either! I am going to be me, no matter what others think, if they don't like it, go out the door and don't look back.

[Willowtree252]

I just got a call telling to get to the hospital , we are losing my brother . ...........I am waiting for my kids .......to get here and all I can think is my god .........oh my god

[summer fairy]

I feel bad now..

[littlewicca]

the true is i just wish i could real hug my friends, talking in this way it is dificult, even if we know we are here for each other, the true is that im huging them anyway in my heart, so that is my true, even if other people dont understand