A Moment of Truth

[Willowtree252]

This last week I saw myself really saw myself and I was proud great right NO not good cause I also saw others to I saw into a dying room but oh my god I saw the living also. If I don't get this off my chest I might blow or worse have an asthma attack so here goes at the funeral I met the other woman FUCK how can I go on believing what I feel is real anymore? There is no loyalty , truth , compassion , trust it is all horse shit I am never going to find what I am looking for it don't exist anywhere I am from the wrong time and place. My father took me from me last week I cant find her anymore but more important I don't know if I want her back. He has been "talking" to another woman for a year and she came to the wake I almost popped and then couldn't sleep at 5:30 the day of my mothers funeral he came to me and told me she would be there and leave it alone to say the roof shook is an understatement lots of glass had to be replaced trust me my sister had to keep us apart well long story short I told him ......... her or us cause there was more then just me pissed I am just the one to stand up as always. My aunt told him the same thing so no woman....... but DAMIT TO HELL the damage is done. How can I meet another person and not ask my self how long before you hurt me or fuck me over god I feel so old and lost who am I, where am I ............ and will I ever come back. I will never be able to look at him again and I don't want to talk to him ever. Not only am I grieving for my mother but my father also.

[writerfreak]

My moment of truth...I think tonight may be the most honest she and I have ever been with each other. And even with everything so screwed up, I'm more in love with her than I have ever ever been. I forgive her. And did before it even happened. The question is, where do we go from here?

writerfreak

[woahnellie]

Why am I the only person that understands me? Well not all of the time, but that's not the point. Isn't there supposed to be someone out there that understands me? Well where the hell is that person!

[Willowtree252]

Memories that is what our lives are made up of when we are children , teenagers, all ages really. I hope to share with anyone that will listen not to waste one precious memories you may not think it is one now but 20 years from now it will be heart break, births, weddings, handfastings, deaths, first kisses, last kiss, first love, many first and if you lucky many forever. I read many things on this board and I see even more and I am here to implore you not to wait for empty promise of a future if it is in front of you take it or it maybe only a memories tomorrow. If you want it get it I don't care where it is what ocean you must cross or just across the USA. Go get it and hold it to you for dear life and live make beautiful memories. If not you will end up sitting in a recliner much older wishing , wanting , waiting for memories that will never come, never be and thinking what a waste of a wonderful tomorrow. laugh, live, love be happy that is all that should matter not what others think or want look out for your happiness and the rest will fall into place. walk with pride hold you head up no matter what and have deep felt honor.

[gorn]

This is not going to be anything particularly deep or profound; it's more like a confession - which, if I understand the rules of this thread properly, is still OK.

I'm driving home from work today, and that old 80's song "Hey Mickey!" comes on. So I'm boppin' and singing along in the car ... and I knew every. single. word. I could even remember the video, with the cheerleader who had that weird look in her eye the whole time.

That's it. I'm actually a little embarassed now.

[mangled_monkey]

I don't think I have ever been more nervous to say things than I have been the past few days. And... I really don't mind that at all. It feels good, in a very strange way.

I love this part.

[Sapphire eyes]

I wrote a very open and honest Letter yesterday and It felt good to admit my feelings but I am also nervous of posting it at the same time...nervous in a good way, my eyes have opened and I am looking at the world a bit differently and am taking a chance, even if it all goes wrong then at least I tried and at least I can stop wondering. I am so glad my eyes are open.

[JujuDeRoussie]

I can only see that as always I am a fool...
Being nice and caring make people go off...
And I can't even blame them for that... I would love, but I can't...
It makes me sick... And it is not an expression. Maybe people saying I put my heart too much into things are right..

I am hurt.

[writerfreak]

Moment of truth, I have lots. Number one, my butt really hurts. Don't know how thats really a truth, its more random but its true so there it is. Number two, I really hate the way he lays it all on her about the kids, really fucking do, pardon my language. Trying to control her so fucking much. GOD. Today she was doing the school shopping for the kids, and he shows up, just shows up and decides hes going to go shopping with her, what kinda bullshit is that. Ugh, I hate men. That's my truth.

writerfreak

[woahnellie]

My moment of truth: I'm a coward yup that's me

[gorn]

Sometimes, when nothing else is on ... I'll watch "Pants Off Dance Off."

I'm so ashamed.

[kisstheviolets]

i am a total hypocrite.

i'm known for being very ethical when it comes to relationships and fidelity... and i have obnoxiously exacting standards for myself and others. this has been a big source of conflict between my mother and i because she has a long history of having affairs. i've been cheated on. i take marriage and commitment seriously. it's just never okay with me.

but now. oh now.

i've been having an IM "affair" with an ex-girlfriend who has been in a relationship with someone since we broke up almost six years ago. and she's not just any ex-girlfriend, but the beastly one who tore my heart out and tortured me for four years after our break up, never wanting to let me get over her. i've been fine for the past couple of years, and we've tried being friend for the last several months.

and now for the last few days all we've talked about is our past sex life and what we would do if she were single. and i found myself at one point today actually propositioning her, promising that my lips were sealed if she wanted to stray for old time's sake. WTF?

this is not me. and yet apparently it is.

i know neither one of us would go through with it. at least i think so. but this is just so not okay and i feel sick that i've even let it go this far.

so yeah, i'm a big ol' hypocrite.

[littlewicca]

Dia, I love this quote, hope is ok to take it

Walk with pride hold you head up no matter what and have deep felt honor.

My moment of true, again, I love my friends, you all know who yall are, thanks for helping me, i love you all, Didi, Boone, Kat, Nick, again thanks for helping

[Willowtree252]

aggie by all means you may have it my friend.


Ok I am going to by a ticket on the girlfriend train there is so much more here then anyone knows and I don't feel like I can share but she makes me feel so damn good so I will board with my pass and hope this don't derail.

[betsy O'shea]

It is my experience that life is moments, some of them treasures, some of them painful. The funny thing is we don't know which is which until we look back. So......I never pass up a relationship because I'm afraid of being hurt. Maybe I'm a woman who sees the glass as half but every relationship is in someway fulfilling.

[Boschi]

When you get down to it, most of the growers/farmers I know (small scale, sustainable/organic) have this really profound insecurity about the financial worth of what they're doing. No one is willing to engage this occupation as a hard business proposition. And few are equipped to even think about it in depth.

It's not a money maker. Period.

Over and over again I'm told, in this mopey, tragically-inadequate, self-deprecating, misunderstood way, that this is something one does because one likes it, not to support yourself.

And yes, some of these are business saavy growers with decades of experience and both successes and bankruptcies under their belts. They're young and old, rural and urban, liberal and conservative.

So I've got my second job (p/t, with benes) job, and I've been blabbing for a while about how this farming thing is supplemental income, but the truth is I seesaw between rage and despair over this "reality".

I can multitask well, but not multijob well. I'm splitting my time between job and farm, with this weird obligation to do well at the job, such that I'm compromising the farm. And given that starting a small business seems to me to involve a bit of obsessiveness and a willingness to not only look at hard facts and numbers but also to commit to it's success in bizarre and zealous ways, this pisses me off no end.

What the fuck is the point in thinking about how to make this work, and about how to make this a functional business (to the degree that the business itself has a value that would justify it's sale), when I'm treating it as a (grotesqely expensive) hobby?

So perhaps this should have gone in the Rants thread.

What I'm trying to get to is that at some point I feel I'm going to have to choose between what may be a fundamentally reckless decision to try to make a living farming full time, which will likely read as a reckless and stupid decision to a lot of people I respect (including the gf), and just giving up on the whole damn affair (the farm, not the gf [I hope]).

Maybe there is middle ground here, but I'm not currently finding it.

I think I'm on my own in this one, too. Me, myself and I making the call. Which is weird given that farming is the first thing I've found where I feel a sense of community.

[Willowtree252]

:life is life

[littlewicca]

Im truly happy for you my dear

September is here, even though i wanted to check for computer and it was closed.. I didnt let it put me down!

September! month of the sping.. month of love, or that is what they say, at least in argentina, coz i know for most of you summer is leaving

Well just

[Willowtree252]

I sent my sister an email saying I was going to tell my daughter Megan about Crissy and she sent this one back

I am Glad I'm Out Here. Live Your Life For Yourself. As You Well Know, When You Die, You DIE ALONE. No One Else Goes With You. Love You, Sis

Who knew Carol was so damn smart god I love her she is the best sister.

[Sapphire eyes]

I actually like Britney spears new song "Gimme more" eeek going to hide now

[Second Fig]

I am afraid-
I don’t know what I want to do
That I’ll be too awkward even if I meet the right girl
I might never have a real relationship, where I love
That I CAN’T love
I might be joining the Coast Guard
I am graduating from university with a degree that is really useless
I won’t get a real job

I hide how afraid I am

[woahnellie]

woah second fig, u just took the thoughts from my head and wrote them down, well except the whole coast guard thing. but i can understand everything else. it's exactly how i feel

[writerfreak]

It was just a dream, yes just a dream. So why can't I get it out of my head? Why is every single moment, every detail, haunting me? Am I afraid its really going to happen? Will she die? Will he keep me from her? Will he keep them from me? She says he wouldn't, won't, but I don't know. What am I going to do about this, I just don't know. Don't know. My truth, is that I don't know. I need this dream to stop, and go away. To forget it. Why can't I? Because I'm scared to death that it's going to come true.

writerfreak

[Floyd]

I'm moving out in 10 days, and I'm absolutely terrified. I'm scared no one at uni will like me, I'm scared I won't make any friends, I'm scared I won't leave my room, I'm scared I'll go out too much, I'm scared I'll miss my family too much, I'm scared that I won't have my dog there to make me feel better about life.

I'm scared it's going to be too much.

[writerfreak]

As odd as it is, weird as it sounds, I'm actually scared that I'm doing really well right now. It terrifies me, because I'm better than I've been in a helluva long time. It only makes the crash harder this way.

writerfreak

[masterjendu]

So, it has been 6 weeks to the day. The time has both crept and flown by. Memories keep flooding my brain; images that suddenly stop me dead in the middle of anything and everything. As I fight the sudden shiver of nausea, I lose the battle with tears. Of course there is guilt and (although I try to live my life without it) regret. Was I a good daughter? Could I have been better? Could I have helped her more while she suffered? My dad and three brothers never really got it; never really got her. Of course they did all they could; trying to fix but never really understanding. So I am left with the feeling that I let down the mother-daughter bond. However, more important than all of this selfish grief and guilt: I just miss my mom. I know that people get through this; people have gotten through this forever. I guess I just don’t know how they do it. How do you never see someone again?

I just needed to get that out.

[JujuDeRoussie]

Someone has and still hurt me and disappointed me... It hurts even more.
And now my mother has started to let her health goes bad... as a punishment for me not doing what she would like me to do.
I am at a loss as to what I can do to make things go the way people want them to go.
I know I am the one making things wrong and not trying hard enough. But how can I want to do them right if when I do there is nothing but reproachs? Plus my mother never showed me how to do. I grew up by myself and I should know how to do everything. I don't think that will work out well at all.

[Bound2Her]

My girlfriend has been dealing with horrible migraines lately along with all of the horrible symptoms that come with it. She's never had them before, she barely gets headaches as well, she's really worried which makes me even more worried for her. I really don't think it's something more then what it is, it's probably just stress and stuff...but still...it makes me wonder what I'd do if something happened to her. I don't wanna lose her...I just found her (or well, it feels that way even if it's been 2 years), and I don't want anything to happen to her. Ever. Blah.

[Sapphire eyes]

She is like my compass.

[littlewicca]

I use to think things are my fault, and that i did something wrong, and im usually wrong at that, but I cant help it. It just make me down