Fic, "My Heart"

[Marilda]

Hey all! Okay so I’ve decided to do a bit of housekeeping and actually start finishing my fics. This here puppy was my very first Willow/Tara fic but it never got finished because right in the middle of it, I accidentally stumbled onto spoilers about Seeing Red. As you can guess, I was devastated and shocked. I couldn’t write for a long time. But now I’m at a better place. Happily seeing Willow/Tara live on in pen’s ficland. Anyway, I changed the name and added a couple of chapters. I’ll be posting all the parts individually to recheck for errors and continuity.

P.S. Yes, yes I’m working on the Finding Heaven story, next part should be up soon.

Thanks to everyone for taking the time to read the fic, hope you enjoy.



"My Heart"



By Marilda



Disclaimer: I own nothing. Please don't sue.

Rating: PG

Spoilers: Up to "As you Were"

Summary: Tara writes a letter.



Part 1



So, I'm getting phone calls from her now. Which is good, right? I mean, I want her to call me. So what if along with the joy and giddiness that I feel when I hear her voice, there is also a ting of hurt and betrayal? She did hurt me, Oh God, she hurt me. But she's doing better and I have to believe that one of the reasons she is doing better is because of me. Not because I did a spell or anything like that-because that would be horrible and slightly hypocritical, but because she wants to be with me. I have to believe that I'm that important to her. That one of the reasons why she's gone more than a month without doing magicks is because she wants me back. I hope I somehow factor into that equation.



I don't think I can describe how much it hurt to leave her. I can try to describe it by saying that it was something akin to having someone reach into the very core of me and pull out my essence, my soul, my very reason for being. But even then, the analogy doesn't come close to the pain I felt. You have to understand that she was my everything. Before her, well, you know how I was before her: shy, awkward, unsure-in short, a wreck. She gave me confidence. I know that doesn't seem to be that big of a thing to you, but to me, that was something phenomenal. Confidence. Wow. Because of her, because of the love she had for me, I felt capable of doing anything. Like an angel getting his wings, a bird soaring in the sky-all of that lovey-dovey stuff. She gave it to me. And oh, how I soared. I was doing things I never before imagined that I could do. I was making friends, voicing my opinions, telling jokes, walking into a room without hiding behind my hair. Now THAT was something extraordinary.



Every time I used to walk into a room I would get butterflies in my stomach. I KNEW that inside that room, there would be strangers ready and willing to judge, mock, and ridicule me. Ready to, with just a glance at the awkward being that was me, point their fingers and laugh at my inadequacy. Every time I walked into a room, I was terrified. My hair was my only defense. Somehow, by not allowing the strangers full view of my face, I could, at least partially, block their venom. Oh, I was a mess.



But then she came into my life and everything changed. I didn't start spouting poetry in her name or spontaneously sing her love songs- well once, but that was mostly because of a spell. But I had that all in me. I was giddy with love. It poured out of every cell in my being. And I'll stop now. I think you get the gist. I loved her.



So you see why her betrayal was so hurtful to me. She gave me the world, and then she took it away from me. She played God. And a part of me almost hates her for it. You'd tell me that it isn't healthy to hate, that the only person I'm hurting is myself. And I'd say you're right. I'm hurting, I'm hurting all over.



She saw the error of her ways, however. She realizes that magick isn't good for her. She hurt Dawnie, she cried for help. So while I wasn't the reason she stopped, maybe I'll be a motivation for her not to continue?



Will that be good enough for me?



I'm sca-



Oh the phone is ringing, it's her, I know it is.



Momma, she wants me back, I can see it in her eyes, the way she pleads with them without meaning too...should I forgive her?

[willntlover]

hey cool! i was so sad when i found out that the story hadn't been updated. it's still rocks



-Will

"Hear that baby? You're my always."

"well, you know, when you play a lesbian witch you've gotta get killed in this fun kind of exciting way, so the heart was the way to go..."

"we have the most amazing fans though they LOVE us."

[Marilda]

Part 2



I lie in bed at night and I dream of her.



Dream of her holding me, touching me, kissing me.



She comes to me in shadows - a ghost, a whisper, an invention.



I can feel her warm breath on my cheek as she leans into me. Her hands, smooth and strong, touch my hair. Her lips, firm and unyielding, press into mine. She is so beautiful, my angel. I look at her and I'm literally bathed in light. She is ethereal, glowing, woman, goddess. Fiery hair and emerald eyes, she is the heroine in my love story. She has come to rescue me, to ignite my passions.



In my bed, alone, I squirm.



In my dream, I whimper.



Her lips have now left mine and venture downward. Her hands, no longer touching my hair, are now moving persistently down the side of my body, brushing up against my breasts. Her thumbs are so close to grazing my nipples...they peak in anticipation. I arch my back, wanting the contact, needing the contact. I want this woman. I want what she can do to me. Her hands continue down my body until they reach the hem of my nightgown. Slowly, she starts to move the nightgown up. I raise up my hips to allow her access and her hands stop their upward movement. She stops, leans in and...smells me. The muskiness, the arousal, the wetness. Her pupils dilate, here eyes darken and she unconsciously licks her lips. I bite back a moan. She hesitates for a second but then continues to move my nightgown up, both of us wanting the barrier between our bodies off. When she has the nightgown bunched up at my wrists she stops. She is hovering over me, her hands and the nightgown acting as a makeshift rope binding my wrists together over my head.



She is in control and she knows it.



Her lightness suddenly fades. Her eyes turn black and she smiles. No longer my angel she now become something dark, sinister, and threatening. The nightgown turns into shackles-tight on my wrists, cutting off circulation. The desire that she had in her eyes now turns into hunger, primal and vicious, it seeks possession. She has now become something I fear. She is still my love, my Willow, and yet I can't help but cower. She leans in, as if to kiss me again and I close my eyes. I'm afraid she'll notice the fear in them, terrified she'll see the arousal.



I'm my bed, alone, I wake.



My bed sheets are twisted around my body and my breath comes in shallow pants. I open my eyes and see the morning sun through the window shades. I turn away from the sun, cover my eyes with my arm and cry.

[funkyasian]

that was awesome...the dreams, descriptions...tara's inner struggle to find a balance to forgive willow...so good...please...do continue? and i'm waiting patiently for finding heaven also...



steph

[AmberBensonRockzMyWorld]

Marilda,

WoW! That was amazing. Poor Tara Your an awsome writer, extremely talented...I really hope that there is a continuation and I really hope that there is a happy letter or something coming up soon. So, Please, Continue.

Much Love,

Lisa

"Staring at the cracks in the walls, 'Cos I'm waiting for it all, to come to an end." ~Pink


Must I dream and Always see your face.~ Jeff Buckley "Last goodbye"

[mollyig]

Tara working out her insecurities and doubts about reuniting with Willow by "talking" to her Mother - that was really touching.

Adding up the total of a love that's true, multiply life by the power of two
Indigo Girls

[willntlover]

poor tara, being all alone. hope there is more soon!



-Will

"Hear that baby? You're my always."

"well, you know, when you play a lesbian witch you've gotta get killed in this fun kind of exciting way, so the heart was the way to go..."

"we have the most amazing fans though they LOVE us."

[Marilda]

"I Don't Know if I Can."

By Mjovi1



Disclaimer: I own nothing. Please don't sue.

Rating: PG

Spoilers: Up to "As you Were"

Summary: The moment of truth.





Today I did something that made her cry.



She invited me over to her house and I, knowing better, went anyway-because I missed her. I missed her face, her eyes, her hands, her body…I missed her voice. The way that she talks; they way she goes off in a tangent when she is nervous. I missed the adorable way that she smiles. I missed my Willow.



So off I went to the house that used to be my home and getting there, I was nervous. She opened the door and I could tell she was nervous too. It was Buffy’s birthday party all over again. But we managed to get over it and started actually talking.



Oh, it was fun momma. She made me giddy. Just sitting down next to her, hearing her voice, seeing the excitement in her eyes when we got to talking about a subject that fascinated her…It was us. The way we used to be.



She was in the middle of telling me something about one of her classes, I honestly can’t remember what. I was too busy taking in Willow to actually HEAR Willow. Does that make sense? I was too busy watching her- her movements, her energy, to actually discern the words that were coming out of that um, very sexy mouth.



Anyway, in the middle of what I’m sure was a very impassioned speech, she grabbed my hand. Not consciously, more of a caught up in the moment way. But it stopped her mid-ramble and it stopped me mid-stare.



She looked at me expectantly wondering if I would pull my hand away or if I would turn it over and interlock my fingers with hers. I wanted to do the latter. It would be so simple wouldn’t it? Just to take that hand into mine and give us a chance, a promise of a future. I could see the twin emotions of fear and hope in her eyes, fear of rejection, and hope of forgiveness, all in one simple touching of hands. I gave in, I wanted a future. I turned my hand and grabbed hers. She smiled. It was a wondrous smile, blinding. As if she were a kid and I had just given her a shiny new bike. I smiled in return. I couldn’t help it, how can you not return a Willow smile?



Then that smile wavered and her eyes got watery. I panicked. I was wondering what I did. Should I have not taken her hand? Was it too soon? I started to take my hand away but her grip got tighter.



“Stay.” She said, “Please.” So I did. I leaned back into the couch and took a tighter grip of her hand.



It seemed as if we stayed that way forever, just holding hands and staring at nothing.



Then she started talking.



“Tara, I don’t, I mean, I’m so…”



“Shhh. Not now. We’ll, talk about it, we need to talk about it, but this is good, right now, this is good.”



She nodded and we went back to sitting in silence.



I started making little circles on her wrist with my thumb. Her hand jerked and her pulse quickened. I didn’t mean to start that, truly. It was just that her hand felt so good in mine and I had to touch more of it. I kept making the circles and I felt her breath quicken. She turned her body towards mine, her mouth half open, exuding shallow pants. I looked at her, wanting. She leaned in and kissed me…it was like coming home. There was the Willow taste I remembered, the sweet breath on my mouth, the smooth tongue on my lip. I sighed. Content. Then leaned in and took more. Here was my Willow, my everything.



I stopped and opened my eyes to see her. She opened hers too. The wanting in them was evident. Her pupils were dilated, engulfing the green, turning the eyes almost black. Black. I inwardly shuddered.





“Tara?”



I shook my head and smiled at her. She’s Willow. It was okay. My dream came back to me, her in control. *She has so much power over me. She is my everything and she could destroy me.* I tried to block those thoughts out and started kissing her again, but all I saw when I closed my eyes was me. Broken, defeated, nothing. Because if she did this again, if she used me again, I’d be nothing.



“Tara honey, Will you give me another chance? Will you give us another chance?” She whispered against my lips.



Chains, shackles, blackness, emptiness. I stopped abruptly and tore my lips from hers. I was out of breath and my chest was heaving. I looked at her and saw my world. I looked at her and saw misery.



“I don’t know if I can.”

[LeatherQueen]

Oh, I remember when you posted this before! This is so sad, but very beautiful. Just lovely.

--------------------------------


"But when they're playing your song on the jukebox in Hell, you might as well dance." - K. Simpson


"Futile... like a FOX, baby!" - Tara in The Late Shift by wiccachica

[Marilda]

And it's feedback time.



willntlover- Thanks, I'm glad you're enjoying the fic. Yeah, I hated not finishing it but the shock of the whole season 6 storyline got the better of me for a while.



steph-thanks. I worked hard on that passage, wanted to make sure I captured what she was feeling throughout the dream. I think it turned out okay. Yeah, I'm working on Finding Heaven-thanks so much for your patience and your continued interest in my fic. It's much appreciated.



Lisa- I'm flattered that you think I'm a good writer. I try to do the best I can but I know I still have much to learn. Yeah, this story is actually finished so it's just a matter of proofreading each chapter and finding time to post. There will be a letter soon, don't know if it will be happy though.



mollyig- Yeah, I figured that if there is anyone Tara would be able to confide in, it would be here mom, no matter that she's dead.



LeatherQueen- yeah, I'm sorry about the sadness factor. I'm big on angst, don't know why. Thanks for reading, I'm glad you're enjoying the story.

[willntlover]

Yeah, seaon 6 sucks. i have had a hard time writing myself.



anyway back to the feedback:: i have loved the updates very true, and you write the girls so well.



-Will

"Hear that baby? You're my always."

"well, you know, when you play a lesbian witch you've gotta get killed in this fun kind of exciting way, so the heart was the way to go..."

"we have the most amazing fans though they LOVE us."

[Garner]

This was really good. I like how each different section is separated in time, that more stuff has occured between them and to them as well. You definitely capture Tara's need and desire along with her fears. She walked such a fine line and you definitely show how it is ripping her up.



One of the reasons season sucks sucks so bad is that we had to go through all this breakup and hope for a reconcilation without really being allowed any time to enjoy the makeup before the tragic stupidness. Stories like this really do contain more emotional resonance and impact than much of what we saw. The pacing was just so badly off. You don't have that problem here at all.



I can't think of anyone but her mom that Tara would trust with something that was this important to her. I hope the next chapters are as good.



Garner

[Ittybittykitty]

I like this!

Shameless plug- Read my fic 7th Hellvan. It isn't half bad:)! "Innerbed".

[Rane]

this is fantastic, update soon please. hehe...

TARA- It looks like gibberish.
SPIKE- (moving to them) Gibberish?
TARA- Or possibly gobbledygook. It's not words, anyway…

the yoko factor

[funkyasian]

okay...i completely understand tara's reluctance to go back to willow and i'm so glad you captured that instead of having tara jump back into something with willow (even though that's what we all wish for) - great update...



steph

[Marilda]

Next Part. Okay this one is kinda angst-filled. But I promise it will get better!



I left the house a few minutes later, leaving her behind looking devastated and crying. Her body was bunched up defensively into the sofa almost as if it could protect her from the harshness of what I had just said. She looked in a word, defeated. I felt the same way.



Momma, I know she didn’t understand, God, even I don’t understand - except to say that I’m torn. I love her so much, but just the thought of being with her fills me with dread. That can’t be good right? I’m not supposed to be scared to be with my lover. I think that the logical thing for me to do would be to break it off - end it once and for all. I know in my head, that this is the right decision. This will hurt her less in the long run, will hurt me less. I can’t give her what she so desperately needs, my forgiveness. And by not allowing her that, then I, in essence, cannot give her a future with me.



Have I mentioned that I need her? That my dreams are haunted by her? Or that I can’t go through a day without thinking about what she is doing?



Have I mentioned that I love her? If soul mates exist, I know she is mine. If ever there was a perfect person for me, it is she.



And yet, I’m terrified, immobile in my fear. And that fear is so enormous, it encompasses everything else. Including love. My survival instincts have kicked in. I’m being selfish, but I need to survive.



So I’m going to tell her once and for all the one thing that I’ve been denying to myself ever since she took away my memory, my choices – there is no hope.



++++++++++



I'm finally at peace. Devastated but at peace. This is the hardest decision I've ever had to make in my life, leaving Willow; letting go.



I'm thinking of leaving Sunnydale. Not right this second leaving, but once I find another school to transfer to, another place to stay, I'm going.



God, I have to figure out how to tell Dawn and Buffy. I'm worried about Buffy right now. She's in so much pain, momma. It tears me up inside to know that she is suffering so. I realize she was happier where she was, in heaven, and that she probably wishes we hadn't brought her back. But we weren't happy, we were barely surviving. We needed her, desperately. Dawn and...Willow they needed her so much.



I know she'll be okay though, she is loved. Once she opens her heart to all the love that her friends are offering her and tell them what is going on, the burden that she is carrying around by herself will be lifted.



I honestly don't even know where to start about Dawn. I've written to you about her, remember? She's so beautiful momma. So wonderful. Right now she is such a typical teenager. The kind that I never got to be, the kind that Donnie and Dad kept me from being. I still remeber the screams, the terror...Anyway, she uses brittle come-backs and witty one-liners as a defense against all the possible daggers that could be aimed at her heart. She doesn't want it hurt more than it already is. What would I say to her? What could I say that would make my leaving alright? She loves me as much as I love her.



I can't think about this now. All I know is that I have to get away. I've made my decision and staying will only make it harder to follow through. If I stay, I'll run into her, I know I will. And in running into her, I'll see her beautiful eyes, maybe even hear her voice. And like a woman enchanted, I'll be cast under her spell again.



Oh this is impos-



Someone is at the door. I'm trembling. Willow?

[funkyasian]

oh you're evil...that's completely heart wrenching...tara can't leave!! okay...i think i'm addicted to this board now...need to stop...need to admit addiction...oh hell with it...



i really like the way you write from tara's point of view...i think her psyche is one of tragic oversights of the show. and to be inside her head, knowing what she thinks...it's good.



sorry for the latenight rambling...i've a paper due tomorrow that i'm trying to procratsinate from...



steph...

[Marilda]

Steph- I'm evil now? Come on, I said there would be angst, fair warning.



I too am addicted to the board, I can't seem to stay away, checking on it every hour when I'm not at work, and school is starting next week so I expect to go through withdrawal symptons during class.



I'm glad you're enjoying the writing.



No worries about the late-night ramblings. I too am up at the wee hours of the night trying to find a cure for the insomia, of course, I don't think this board is going to work, if anything, I don't think I'll get any sleep at all.



Good luck with the paper. What's it about?

[willntlover]

jeez. that was heart wrenching, but oh so good.



-Will

"Hear that baby? You're my always."

"well, you know, when you play a lesbian witch you've gotta get killed in this fun kind of exciting way, so the heart was the way to go..."

"we have the most amazing fans though they LOVE us."

[tiredsoul]

This is so sad. I like how you explore Tara's gut-wretching decision to leave Willow in the first place. Seeing only Willow's side on the show almost made Tara look like the bad one.



Great insight and writing.



--celia

"I'm not coming back"

[Marilda]

will- I don't know whether to thank you for saying it's good or apologize for the angst-factor. I'll go with thanks. What is it that Anya says? "We value your patronage." Well I value your readership. Thanks for sticking with the story and I promise it will get better.



celia- Thanks for the kind words. I tried my best to capture what Tara would be feeling and once I figured out her possible motivation for feeling that way, I think I did an okay job. It's not perfect by any means but I'm trying and I'm glad you're enjoying reading.

[funkyasian]

marilda - i finally gave up on the paper and succumbed to slumber. the paper is about the sex abuse of the clergy...there's been a few arrests in a nearby city and i am in a public relations course, hence the professor decided that we should write a paper arguing for the parish...not against. so makes it a little difficult...that and my heart isn't really in it...so i dont' want to do it...



i've even taken the morning off work to work on the paper which is due tonight...but instead, i find myself watching jerry springer and laughing about their problems...so sad...okay...back to work now...



steph

[AmberBensonRockzMyWorld]

Wow, That was intense...I love your writing though, and I really hope that there is a HAPPY part coming up soon. HeHeHe...Anyways...Keep up the good work!

Much Love,

Lisa

~~~





~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Recomended Reading: IttyBittyKitty's fic...7th Hellvan.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Staring at the cracks in the walls, 'Cos I'm waiting for it all, to come to an end." ~Pink


Must I dream and Always see your face.~ Jeff Buckley "Last goodbye"

Edited by: AmberBensonRockzMyWorld  at: 8/6/02 7:38:07 am

[Marilda]

Hey all.



willntlover- thanks, glad you're enjoying the updates. I didn't mind season 6 as a whole, well okay, kinda. I'm just a major buffyholic and I guess the addiction is too much that it even makes the bad things look good



garner- Thanks so much for your kind words. I hope you enjoy the next parts as well.



ittybittykitty- I like that you like this



Rane018- Thanks! Yep, update coming up today.



funkyasian- I'm glad you're understanding her reluctance and I know what you mean about everybody wishing them back together already.



steph- paper sounds interesting. Hope you got it done in time. Jerry Springer huh? Hmm, I only watch that show when I'm extremely depressed. I look at the people and think, well, at least my mom isn't having my boyfriend's baby! It makes life better.



LeatherQueen- Yeah, sorry about the angst. But it will get better, that's a promise.



AmberBensonRockzMyWorld- It will get happy! It will.

[Marilda]

Ahhh!!! I feel like screaming; shouting at the injustice of it all. It wasn't Willow at the door a little while ago- it was Buffy. And to say that her attitude wasn't all Miss Suzy Sunshine would be putting it mildly. She was furious. Not, as I assumed, at Willow, but at me.



"I just left the house." She said. "How could you?"



"I...what?"



"She's devastated Tara!" She said. "I found Willow on the sofa crying her eyes out. When I asked her what was wrong she said your name, that was all, just 'Tara'."



Hearing that she was crying over me made my heart hurt. But damn it, I did what I had to do! So I stuck my chin out at Buffy defiantly, daring her to take her next shot. I was righteous in my anger.



"I figured she was just missing you as usual," she went on, "but then she tells me that you came by." Buffy stopped and took a breath, as if trying to calm herself. She looked up at me and her eyes were filled with pain for her friend. I looked away.



After a second she continued talking in a whisper, "She told me what you said."



I looked up at her startled. What I said?



____________________________________________



“Tara honey, Will you give me another chance? Will you give us another chance?” She whispered against my lips.



"I don't know if I can." I replied.



She jumped back, as if I had shocked her. In her eyes there was fear and just a hint of despair.



"What? I don't understand. I mean, I get why, but I thought...we were just, and... Huh?"



I sighed. "Willow. It isn't that I don't love you, I do- more than anything in the world." Upon hearing those words, my Willow smiled; the face that just a second ago was filled with anxiety now was brilliant in its radiance. It physically pained me to say what was next, "But..."



"NO! No buts." She said, her voice quivering. "Stay with the loving me, loving me is good.”

"But," I said again, determined to get this out, even if it killed us both. "I just don't see how this can work."



At this she got to her feet and stared down at me on the sofa, she looked determined.

"It can work, it has worked!" she said, almost pleading to me with her words. "Look, I know I messed up, believe me I know and what I did was terrible, unforgivable even, but Tara, I love you."



Tears started forming in my eyes at those words. How long had I lived my life without them? How long had I lived without anyone to love me?



She knelt down in front of me, grasped my hands into hers. "I know that I'm being selfish, but I love you and I need you so much. I'm asking you to forgive me baby. Please, I know it isn’t fair to you, but forgive me."



I was openly crying by then-knowing that she loved me; it warmed my soul and killed my spirit at the same time.



"Oh sweetie, I do. I do forgive you. Don't ever think that. I know that it was the magick controlling you, and I know that you stopped and I'm very, very proud of you. I forgive you Willow, I do."



"Then what is it?" She pleaded, "Why can't we just work this out?"



"Because I'm afraid!" I yelled.



She took a step back, startled, "Of what?"



"Of you."



_____________________________________________



"How could you?" Buffy whispered harshly.



My face hardened and I turned my back to her. "Please Buffy, just leave this be."



She turned me around. "No, I can't just leave this be. Damn it, it's Willow. I know she's made mistakes, but that doesn't make her something to be...afraid of." She spit the last two words out as if they were venom.



"You made her feel like a monster, like she was something evil-a demon."



"Oh, Buffy..." I said, realizing. I reached out my hand to comfort her but she shrugged away at my touch.



"You're my friend, Tara. I care about you and I thought I knew you, but I never imagined that you could be this cruel." With that she took something out of her jean pocket.



"Willow didn't know I was coming here and she certainly doesn't know I'm about to give you this," she handed me an envelope, "I was with her when she started writing it, a couple of days after my birthday party-when the two of you started talking again. I don't know exactly what she wrote but I do know that it is addressed to you. Take what you will from it."



With that she opened the door to my apartment and left.



Momma, I didn't want to open the letter believe me. I was terrified of the letter. I put it on my dresser and left it there, intent on ignoring it. I went about the house doing chores and making lists, trying not to think of what Buffy had said to me and certainly not thinking about what that letter said.



Ultimately however, its pull was too much for me and I succumbed to temptation.



________________________________________



Tara,



I don't know where to start. How does one go about starting a letter to the person she loves most in the world and the person she has hurt the most as well?



I could start by saying I'm sorry, but you know that. I have to believe you know that. Baby, I've made mistakes, big awful mistakes and I let this thing control me. But even while I was being all kooky, the only real thing to me was you. When you left me, after I did that spell, I knew you were right. I didn't admit it to myself but I was glad you left. Not because you were gone, because, God, that was unbearable, but because then I couldn’t hurt you. I know I hurt you. And that kills me.



I was so scared Tara. Without you, everything was impossible. So predictably, I used that as an excuse to use more magic. And that magic was terrifying. Rack was terrifying. Knowing that I had that in me was terrifying. But it was better than facing up to everything. Better to knowing that I screwed up and that caused me to lose you.



The night of the accident with Dawn was the turning point for me. Everyone thinks that it's because I hurt Dawn and believe me that was a big reason, but it wasn't the main one.



I was in that car, tripping on magic, but I was aware. I knew the car was going too fast, I knew we were going to hit something; that we could get hurt. But I didn't care.



Part of me wanted to. I wanted to get hurt. I wanted to, I don't know; end up in a coma or something. Maybe even die.



I know this sounds terrible, God, I realize how awful it is now. But you were my everything and I had failed you and rather than face up to my mistakes, I, like a little child, wanted to use my death as a way out. Pretty stupid huh?



I was scared silly of what I had become. And it was then, after Dawn slapped me and after Buffy almost turned away from our friendship that I realized I had to grow up.



I wasn't who you feel in love with anymore. I was something spooky, something dark.



That night I cried out your name and knew I had to win you back.



Baby, everyday is a challenge, but everyday I know I can do it-for you.



I don't want to become that person again; I want to be the one you fell in love with. So, I'll try everyday, I'll win back your trust, I will. You're my everything and I love you.

[LeatherQueen]

Oh the letter. So very sad... And having to hear all that from Buffy... Poor Tara... torn in so many directions.

--------------------------------


"But when they're playing your song on the jukebox in Hell, you might as well dance." - K. Simpson


"Futile... like a FOX, baby!" - Tara in The Late Shift by wiccachica

[JennY]

Brilliant. I love this fic and how you've pulled it off. Update soon!

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If we don't understand

What this life is made of

We learn the truth

When we find that kind of love

-"That Kind of Love" by Alison Krauss

[mollyig]

Willow's letter was very insightful into why she embraced the magics - nicely done.

Adding up the total of a love that's true, multiply life by the power of two
Indigo Girls

[Marilda]

So here I sit and I think and I realize that I’m a coward. I’m a coward for having left Willow when I did and I’m a coward because I don’t want to risk my heart again. I’m confused and I’m scared. I never claimed to be brave but this is ridiculous. What’s love if it doesn’t involve taking risks? What’s happiness without the possibility of sorrow?



The thing is that even though that sounds great and true and sound advice I’m giving myself, it still doesn’t negate the fact that I’m petrified.



She broke my heart. She figuratively punched a hole in me, grabbed the fragile organ and proceeded to shred it to pieces.

Momma, she’s the only person since you that I’ve learned to trust.



Before I met her, everything in my life was misery. You died and you took away my only light. I lived so many years in darkness. At home, I faded into the walls, took to corners and tried to make myself invisible. I knew that if I didn’t, if they remembered I was there, they’d grab me, pull me out into the light and laugh at my deformity. Granted, the deformity was only visible in their minds-there was nothing wrong with me. Still, they pointed, they ridiculed and they inflicted pain. Not just with there words, the used fists, legs-even teeth. They hated me; they took sinister pleasure in hurting me.



Then she came and made the light less frightening. The darkness less appealing. Argh, I wish I could just be brave. I wish I could be like her. I’m terrified if I allow myself to become accessible to her, she’ll make me hate the light again.

[AmberBensonRockzMyWorld]

Great update...I hope the happiness comes along soon.

Much Love,

Lisa

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Must I dream and Always see your face.~ Jeff Buckley "Last goodbye"
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Recomended Reading: IttyBittyKitty's fic...
"7th Hellvan"
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