Title: What Could Have Been
Author: Chance
Rating: R-NC-17
Warnings: Drug Use! Cursing! (in this chapter.)
Setting: Uber. Begins in 2008, jumps back to the summer after their first year of college, which by my calculations would be June 2000. Will jump to 2008. Will also jump between Sunnydale, CA and Portland, OR. Important things to note: Tara is not now or has she ever been a student as UC Sunnydale. Faith has never been to Sunnydale. Oh, and there are no slayers and demons and other evil creatures that go bump in the night. These are just people living life. Sad and depressing, Amazing and elating, it's just life.
Disclaimer: W/T and BTVS characters belong exclusively to JW, ME, and anybody else they actually belong to. Don’t sue me. I’m broke and a student and all you’ll get is my DVD collection.
Summary: The summer after Willow’s freshman year of college, she takes a vacation with her parents to Portland, Oregon. There she has an experience that changes her life forever.
Word Count (Final): 44,383
Feedback: I love feedback. It’s quite encouraging. Please feel free to be as constructive as possible, telling me what you liked and what you didn’t. I can’t promise I’ll always take it to heart, but I’m always interested to hear it.
Distribution: If you have a desire to put this elsewhere, absolutely let me know, and then I’ll give you my permission, and then y’know… you can put it there.
Notes: A few:
1. I used to post fics on here a long time ago. I fell off my post. I have some in the unfinished section, one one off in the finished section… blah blah blah. I’m sorry I fell off my post. But I’m older now, and I’m working on my follow through, so hopefully you all can give me a hand with that.
2. I would like to call your attention to the place and time headings I’ve put in this fic. I believe I’ll be doing a little bit of jumping, so I’m hoping that it makes sense for you all. Let me know if it doesn’t.
3. I don’t know yiddish, but I’ve used a few words that I borrowed from a yiddish dictionary online. Please, please let me know if I’m using it incorrectly.

Bren (BREN) n. A person of great energy or charisma. A real firecracker or livewire. From brennen, to burn.

This information borrowed from http://www.hebrew4christians.com/Glossa ... words.html.
4. Thoughts are in italics. Mostly because I’m lazy…

Thank you for taking the time to read all these notes. Now, on with the show.


Portland, Oregon
September, 2008

She fought the urge to bolt out the door, running her sweaty palms down the front of her smart gray slacks. Her eyes hit the floor, and she let out a long breath, sucking another one in through her red full lips. Her tongue shot out and wet them, and she immediately pursed them together and glanced in the mirror one last time. Her hands went out to smooth her light brown hair, allowed to drop naturally down around her shoulders. Her blue cardigan was tight across her chest and stomach, unbuttoned slightly so a hint of her white undershirt peaked out. Her black boots peeked out just the right way from her pants, and she smiled despite herself. Not so bad, Maclay, not so bad at all…Not so bad for a girl who always felt like the nobody in the room. Well, you’re not going to be the nobody tonight. She let out another long breath, adjusting the glasses on the bridge of her nose.

“Tara. You look beautiful.” She jumped a foot in the air, her frazzled nerves giving a shout as a voice sounded from the door behind her, a small blond stepping into the room and into Tara’s view in the mirror. “There won’t be a dry seat in the house!” Anya exclaimed, her grin reaching from ear to ear. “You’re ready to wet the dreams of hundreds.”

“Th-thanks, I guess.” She winced, she hated stuttering, and had almost completely eradicated it from her speech patterns.. She had long since gotten used to her friend’s sexual nature, but it did nothing to calm her down. Now was the time to continue her slow breathing. Her eyelids shut, allowing her a moment to collect herself. “Is it packed in there?”

“Oh, god, yes.” Anya sounded positively thrilled. “Isn’t it great? We’re going to make loads of money!”

“It’s a free reading, Anya. We’re not going to make any money.” Tara smiled despite herself, leave it to Anya to care about two things: money and sex. At least it was comforting that that would never change. In this moment, she would take a reminder of anything that hadn’t changed.

“But when they hear you read, they’re going to want to buy several copies of your book so they can read it again at home and masturbate.” Anya gave her two thumbs up in the mirror, smiling her “money smile”. “Okay,” she said, clapping her hands together, “you have about five minutes. I’m going to go sit in the audience, you…” Anya made a face, “you try not to have that look on your face when you come out, alright? Nervous isn’t sexy.” Anya bounced away from the doorframe, again leaving Tara alone with her thoughts.


Portland, Oregon
June, 2000

The soft pitter patter of the rain on glass did nothing to relax the redhead as she stood staring out into the great unknown of the city. A sigh forced her hand up and through her locks, and her green eyes searched out into the darkness. She didn’t look up at the knocking on the door, barely acknowledging the older couple who came through the door. Sheila flipped the light switch as she came through the door. “What are you doing in the dark, Willow?” The girl didn’t bother to open her mouth to answer, setting her jaw firmly into a look of distaste directed at the woman but turned away from her eyes. “Well, we’re ready to go. Have a great time exploring! We should have breakfast in the morning, don’t you think Ira?”

“Breakfast with the two most beautiful women in my life? Absolutely.” Her Father’s face cracked into a grin, both of her parents seemed completely oblivious to her anger at being left. “You won’t get lost, will you, Bren?”

Willow rolled her eyes at her father’s endearment, feeling, not for the first time, exasperated by her parents. “I can read a map, Dad.”

Ira moved across the room and placed a kiss on the back of Willow’s head. “We’re so happy you came with us, sweetheart. You have fun tonight.”

Willow sighed again before turning to face her parents’ retreating backs. “You too!” As the door shut behind them with an audible click, she muttered dejectedly, “I love you.”

In the absence of anything else to do, she moved across the room and picked up the hotel room phone, dialing without thought. She waited until a voice greeted her on the other end of the line. “Hi, Ms. Summers, is Buffy there?”

“Hold on, Willow, I think she’s just about to walk out the door. Buffy?” Muffled sounds of mother and daughter conversing filled the empty noise in the room until Buffy picked up the other line.

“Hey Wills, how’s vacation?” Buffy chirped cheerfully.

“It’s… fine.”

“You’re strangely monosyllabic. What’s wrong?”

“They haven’t spent any time with me! What was the point of coming all the way to stupid Portland if they were just gonna do what they do in Sunnydale?” She let her body fall down to the hotel bed.

“I’m sorry, Willow. Soon you’ll be on your way home to Sunnydale and your friends, so don’t worry okay? Why don’t you just make the most of it?” Buffy sighed. How often could Willow continue to be disappointed by her parents and not begin to resent them? She remembered how excited Willow had been that her parents had suggested she take the trip with them.

“And do what?”

“Go out. Meet some people. You spent weeks checking out information on Portland, I’m sure there’s stuff you want to see, right? What was that bookstore you were going on and on about?”

“Powell’s. It’s a whole city block of new and used books. I saw it, it’s incredible, all of that information in one place. It's so amazing, Buffy.” Willow’s voice perked up at the mention of books.

Buffy smiled hearing the upturn in her friend’s mood. “I know how hard things have been for you since you and Oz…” She winced, wishing she hadn’t said his name. “But this is a chance for you to go out and be someone else for the night! Think about it, no one knows you Willow! You can be anyone you want to be. Meet some people, have some fun, and then come home to the Scoobies. We miss you.”

Willow sat, letting her friend’s words wash over her. It made sense, didn’t it? That this was her chance to break out from Willow Rosenberg, high school nerd, now college nerd. Ever since Oz left, she’d pushed herself back into her studies, keeping herself busy. In this strange city she might actually get a chance to be Willow Rosenberg, woman of mystery.



She had succeeded in wandering through Powell’s for a few hours, picking up a few books that she had found interesting. After talking with the cashier for a few minutes (a good looking boy, even with his spiky hair dyed blue and his several piercings), he had persuaded her to walk down to VooDoo Doughnuts.

“Everybody from the bars go there, so you may have to deal with some drunk kids, but it’s a Portland institution.” He flashed her a disarming smile. “Kind of like this place, actually, just more tasty.”

“Well, if it’s a must see, then I must see it.” She smiled back him, wondering at her bravado. Am I actually flirting with him? He looks a little bit like Oz, short and spiky hair, nice smile, much more talkative. WooHoo with mystery woman Willow!

“Maybe I’ll catch you around there, later.” He smiled at her again.

“Maybe you will.” She tried her best at a sexy smile. “Bye.” She grabbed her bag, directing herself out of Powell’s, and in the direction of the doughnut shop.



Approaching the street VooDoo was on, she passed by several adult bookstores and a few bars. People passed by her in a hurry, but she allowed herself to slow down and really look around her. The Burnside Bridge was clearly visible from where she was standing, and she knew that there was a whole other east side to the city she was probably not going to ever get to see. She had passed a fair amount of homeless people on her walk, but for the most part they had seemed friendly, if not a bit desperate. I feel comfortable walking on my own here. She thought to herself, pleased with the revelation. I feel strong. I feel competent and able. She smiled, feeling fully herself for the first time in a long time.

Her stride picked up as she allowed the confidence to flood her body. She approached the shop, carefully sidestepping a group of five or six kids hanging out in front. She was about to move towards the door when one of them pushed in her way.

“Hey Red, got a dollar?” The girl asked, pushing her whole body in front of Willow. The brunette wore a leather jacket and dark jeans, and had a slightly dangerous look in her eye. Willow hesitated, unsure of how to respond, and the girl slid her body more closely into Willow’s. “C’mon, a pretty girl like you has to have a dollar.” She smiled, the crook of her mouth and the glint in her eye forming an overall predatory demeanor. “I’ll kiss you for it.”

“I…” Willow’s mouth opened to speak as her eyes darted frantically around the group. They were an odd bunch. Her eyes slid from face to face, looking for the hint of something to tell her it was a joke or if it was another bully taking her lunch money. She faltered, her eyes falling to a girl, leaning back against the brick wall. Her breasts pushed against the restrictive white cotton of her shirt, and Willow’s eyes fell to them, unable to glance away. In the dim streetlight, the girl’s mouth was parted, and her eyes were large – her pupils black and dilated. She moaned, running a hand over her stomach.

The bully’s eyes followed Willow’s, and she smirked. “Better yet, I’ll let Tara kiss you.” Willow’s eyes looked to the brunette in shock, and she began to shake her head. “Aww, c’mon, Red, I saw you looking. She won’t care, she’s too fucked up to notice.”

“What’s wrong with her?” Willow’s voice trembled, and her face pinched as she gave away her weakness.

“Nothing’s wrong with her, Red, she’s just having a good time.” With that, the girl grabbed the blond and pulled her into her own body, wrapping an arm around her shoulder. “Hey, T, this girl will give us a dollar if you kiss her.”

The girl’s eyes sought out Willow’s, and Willow felt herself gasp. Staring at her were the most blue eyes she’d ever seen, beautiful, like a lake or the ocean or something amazingly wonderful that she couldn’t place. The brunette slid her arm away from the girl, and pushed her forward. The girl seemingly had little control as her body propelled forward into Willow’s and she giggled.

“Your eyes are so green.” Her breath smelled sweet, and it tickled Willow’s face. Their lips were close, and the blond leaned forward, her soft lips sinking into Willow’s, her hands feeling their way around her sides and firmly planting themselves on Willow’s back. The kiss was soft until Tara opened her mouth and pushed her tongue unceremoniously into Willow’s, tracing the redhead’s lips, and seeking out the inner walls of her mouth, mapping it. Finally she pulled her face back, and gave a contented sigh. “You’re beautiful.” She whispered, her words reaching Willow’s ears only. Her hands began to move again, feeling the softness of Willow’s breasts pressed down against hers. She moaned into the feeling.

For Willow’s part, the girl’s kiss had been earth shattering. She had never felt such a beautifully warm sensation before, so soft, so lingering. But it was nothing, not even a slight miniscule of anything, in comparison to the moan that had escaped the girl's lips. That moan, that moan that their bodies had caused by fitting together in a delicious embrace, that Willow had caused simply by existing and living in the body she did, that moan would haunt Willow for years afterwards. The sound of it would compell her to do things she never before thought possible, it would drive her insane with need and want, and it would fuel her fantasies until the day she died. Before she could process the paradigm shift that was changing her entire world, Tara was being pulled away. And in her place, ugliness remained.

“The dollar, Red.” The brunette’s voice now hinted at the homicidal, her anger poked through around the edges and sent a shiver down Willow’s spine. She began to reach for her pocket, simply afraid of not complying, when she heard another voice that echoed the first in its effects but not its tone.

“Can I just be kissing her?” Tara laughed. “Please, Faith? She tasted like strawberries and she looks like fire.” Tara’s hand reached into the air, as if tracing Willow’s hair.

“Let it go, T. You’re just rolling. You won’t even remember her in the morning.” Faith’s hand pushed in front of Willow’s face, her eyes sending a warning to not speak or move a muscle. Willow found and placed the dollar in Faith’s palm before pushing her way into the store.


As she felt herself coming back to consciousness from her dream state, she was mildly aware of her discomfort. Groggy, somewhere between awake and her dreams, she tried to place where she was. She felt dirty and thirsty, and there was a cramp in her neck. Slowly she opened one blue eye, placing much more slowly than usual the faded curtains over the windows, the brick of the walls and the chill that hovered in the air. She must be in Faith’s rat trap apartment. She brought her hand to her neck, slowly rubbing at the concentration of pressure and tenderness. “Hey T, good morning.” Faith’s voice was cheery in the gloom, and at the sound of it she closed her eye again.

The noise that came out of her throat resembled something of a moan. She felt something slightly wet being pushed into her hand and opened her eyes to see a glass of water. Raising it to her parched lips, she nodded in thanks. “Morning, Faith.” Her jaw ached as it opened and closed, and her hand darted to the side of it, giving it a good rub.

“You were outta your mind last night, T.” Faith laughed.

“I remember.” Tara sighed.

“Aww, c’mon, T, don’t be like that. We all had a good time.” Faith sat down on the edge of the bed beside Tara, dropping a hand to her knee. “You wanted to have fun, remember?”

“I remember that too. Although, I don’t remember asking for ecstacy to be involved.” Tara’s face contorted into a grimace, feeling the pain that she had caused herself last night.

“You were gung ho about it at the time.” Faith’s hand began to run in circles on the inside of Tara’s thigh.

“Faith, please…” She stood up, immediately regretting her rash decision. She took a step forward and then back to steady herself. “We can’t do this again.”

“Do what?” Faith’s voice was harsh. “We’re not doing anything.”

“What time is it?” Tara asked, changing the subject.

“Just shy of seven. I was going to wake you in a few minutes anyway. You have work to get to.” The harshness in her voice had dropped back down, seemingly controlled. A genuine warmth, a caring replaced it.

“Shit. I do.”

“Borrow something, and I’ll drive you there.”

“I can’t wear leather to work.” Tara teased, before heading over to Faith’s closet, and pulling out a fresh shirt and a pair of black pants.

“Alright, then put on the crappy clothes you leave here and then I’ll drive you.” Faith teased right back.

The way to the restaurant was quiet. Neither girl felt the need or the desire to speak. They were almost halfway there when Faith began to laugh. “You really were outta your mind, T. Do you remember kissing a total stranger?”

“I thought that was a dream.” Did she remember? Of course I remember kissing the woman of my dreams! She was so beautiful, and I was so fucked. The story of my life. She sighed again. If only I could have met her some other way… what I wouldn’t give for a chance to talk to her, to apologize, to try to explain. Explain what, McClay? That you take drugs? That you want to escape your pathetic life so badly that you’ll buy artificial happiness? Why would a girl like that ever want a girl like me?



Willow stood with her parents, waiting for a table just inside the restaurant. Her mother babbled on about the conference they had attended that week, including the dinner they had just attended the night before. Willow tried not to fall asleep or scream. But she wanted to scream. She wanted to stay in bed that morning, when her parents had woken her up, reminding her about the previously planned breakfast. Why is it that when I want to spend time with them, they can’t get any further away, but the minute I want some space to work things out, there they are? At least the restaurant had coffee available for the people waiting for a table. That at least she could be thankful for. Finally, the hostess came over to tell them that they’d been seated. She plopped down in a seat across the table from her parents and faked a smile as the hostess handed her a menu. “Your server should be with you in just a moment. We’re a little busy today.” The hostess flashed the Rosenbergs a big smile and retreated.

“What are you in the mood for, Bren?” Her father asked, looking over the menu.

“Ham or bacon.” She said, under her breath, muttering. She was doing her best to ignore this entire situation, hoping that her parents would take her silence for her being tired. “I don’t know, Dad, maybe pancakes?”

“What did you do last night, Willow?” Sheila asked, looking at her daughter as if she were some kind of exhibit at a museum.

I kissed a girl. I liked it. I’m afraid it means I’m gay. “I went to Powell’s, and then to a place called VooDoo Donuts…”

“Hi, my name is Tara, I’ll be your server this morning.” Tara had heard the last two exchanges of the customers’ conversation but had begun speaking before she completely registered the words. Her eyes widened in surprise as she caught sight of the redhead sitting in front of her. Oh my god, it’s her.

Willow glanced up at the sound of the voice and was similarly flabbergasted. It’s her. And for what seemed like an eternity to both of them, they stared at each other. Ira and Sheila looked back and forth between the girls, and then at each other, wondering what was passing between them. “Do you know each other?” Ira asked, wondering at the look of horror on his daughter’s face.

“No.”


“Yes.” Willow answered over Tara’s reply. Their eyes met again, and finally Willow spoke with careful concentration. “We met last night, actually. Outside of the donut shop I was just starting to tell you about. Yes siree, just met her outside. She was hanging out with a bunch of her friends.” Finally, she turned her attention back towards the girl, amazed she had gotten out all of the words without passing out. “Tara, right?”

Tara nodded, wishing the floor would swallow her. “N-nice t-to see you again?” It came out as a question, though she hadn’t meant it to. I haven’t stuttered in months! Shit. She forced herself into action. “S-so, what can I get you folks?”

“Willow was just saying how much she wanted pancakes.” Ira answered with a smile, happy to see his daughter was well adjusted and could make friends anywhere.

Her name is Willow. That’s so beautiful, what a gorgeous name. Just like the girl herself. “G-great, and f-for you?”

* * *
After the order had been taken, and Tara had slipped away to work, Willow excused herself from the table. Pushing open the door to the bathroom, she walked straight over to the sink, ran the cold water and began splashing it in her face. Her eyes played a game of darting away from the mirror whenever she started to look at herself, but ultimately they failed. She stood for several moments, staring herself in the eye, wondering who it was that was staring back at her. She looked mostly the same, red hair that touched her shoulders, bright green eyes that took in every line of her own face, nice skin that betrayed nothing of her aging, remaining perfect still, as if frozen in time. She could see no change, but she knew. She knew she was inherently different than the girl who had called Buffy last night. That girl was still in love with her ex-boyfriend, the one who left her for someone else. This girl was attracted to a woman. She was so busy staring at herself she didn’t hear the door open. She didn’t see someone standing behind her in the mirror. In fact, Tara’s presence in the room was only given away when the scent of her touched Willow’s nostrils. She inhaled deeply, turning to seek the origin of what seemed at once totally familiar and completely foreign.

“I’m sorry, Willow.” Tara’s voice was soft, but her words were crystal clear. Willow couldn’t help but feel her heart lift as the girl spoke her name.

wow
It's really a good start !
I love the humour of willow "ham and bacon" hi hi hi
The Tara in this story same to be much more different of the one we know.
I would love to see what happen next !
Hope you will update very soon =)

This was a powerful start I get why Tara was taking drugs the need to find an escape of some kind any kind. I also love how you brought them together both searching for something even though neither knows what. ok you got me now show me what you got I am betting I am in for a powerful ride.

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Dia the spelunker
Never underestimate the powerful love of a good woman
If you were a cave what kind of cave would you be

Great start can't wait for more!!









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Live every day like it's your last because someday you'll be right.

oh, woo. that was really powerful.

my friend lives in Portland and it's nice to see the places she's talked about so often. too bad she's never mentioned this part!

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Lotus

Lush. That was awesome. I'm really looking forward to the next update.

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-diamondforever

diamondforever's fanfiction archive

Great beginning to what promises to be an exciting journey. Loved it all but the last bit with Willow staring at herself in the mirror, knowing that she'd changed was very powerful and real for me. There have been a few times in my life when I've done just that - it's a weird and wonderful and scary sensation. The feeling that you've changed so much that it MUST show on your face and in what you say and you're sure everyone will notice right away and ask questions that there is no way in hell you have a clue how to answer.

Thanks and can't wait for more

Shiraz

Hello!

I'll agree with everyone here by saying WOW! This is a very interesting start!
The way you describe the different characters' feelings, Willow's reactions and thoughts, Tara's situation...It all seems so real. The last part in the restaurant had me completely hooked! I want to know what happens next!

And I really like your writing, the way you alternate between the characters. I'm intrigued about the jumpings between the settings too... I'm eager to see the next chapter!

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"Endors moi à Venise...Réveille moi à San Francisco
Je suis un peu surprise...Que le monde est beau..."
Superbus, "Travel the World"

Hey this is a really great start! I like the characters and the way you started in the 'future' (or is it the present?) and then jumped back to the past. I look forward to reading more.

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-pipsberg

"We live our lives, do whatever we do, and then we sleep - it's as simple and ordinary as that."
Michael Cunningham, The Hours

Hey kittens.

I'm here and reading your feedback and appreciating it. Second chapter is underway, so it should be about fairly soon, next three days or so, could even be late tonight, just depends on how much I get one.

I can't promise a good deal of regularity with updates, my life tends not to allow for that, but like I've said, I'm working on follow through, so my goal is to finish this story come hell or high water.

Auriam
Hi. I'm glad you enjoyed the ham or bacon humor, I enjoyed the silliness of it myself.

As for Tara as different, I'm not sure if that's true or not. I know that the nature of drugs might make this story a controversial issue, so I'm going to say this: The basic premise of Tara's character not having an easy childhood is still there, and I think that in the real world a fair amount of people in Tara's position turn to drugs. (Whether that's right or wrong is kind of a null issue, simply because I will let the reader make their own judgment calls.) That being said, my hope is that this Tara will seem more familiar to you as time progresses.

Thanks for reading.


Dianeswillowtree
I was glad to know someone got the Tara taking drugs, where she was coming from thing, etc. It's good to know someone sees the possibility the way I do. Had life been different, Tara would have been different, though, hopefully not too far off the beaten path.

I'm looking forward to showing you what I've got. I hope it amuses and titillates.

whatmakesyouhappy
Thank you kindly. Thanks for reading.

Zooey'sBridge
I'm a native New Yorker, but I moved to Portland just shy of three years ago and have completely fallen in love. I dig this town, and there's a lot of great things about it. If you've never been, please, come check it out -- plus, a friend to visit, eh? Powell's really exists, and is incredible if you're into books, and VooDoo Donuts is also real (both have websites), and is also quite enjoyable, especially if you have a sweet tooth like me. They do donuts differently, and it's quite fun. (And it is possible to run into drunk/high kids outside of VooDoo, do I'm keeping things on the real side. Boo ya.)

I'll tell you honestly if I ran into Tara or Willow in PDX, I don't think I'd tell anyone either. Alas, it is all just my twisted imagination.

diamondforever
"Lush"? Thanks! I've always loved that word. Thanks for reading, come back anytime and leave more feedback with the word lush.

shiraz
I'm glad you liked the staring in the mirror moment. I myself have also had those moments, and I think they're life changing and affirming. (Sometimes not so good, too, but that's a whole other story.) I think it's a really powerful thing to look in a mirror and not recognize yourself completely, to know that something inside of you has changed and that has a physical ramification that you can see.

Thanks.

Halo
I'm glad I got you hooked! And I'm glad the jumping of time and setting is working for you. Please let me know if it stops. Thanks.

pipsberg
Again, I'm glad the jumping is working for you. I hope it continues to work for you and not completely mess up the narrative flow of the story or get too choppy. Please, let me know if it does.

Thank you for reading and commenting, it is wildly appreciated.
M.

Lol. Still, I'm sure running into them in real life is a fantasy of most people on this board. The last time I was on a long car trip, I fell asleep and dreamed that we passed a store called The Magic Box, and when I went inside Willow and Tara were running the shop. Alas, I woke up :(

Edit: I almost forgot, great story so far! I'll admit, at first I didn't get why Tara was turning to drugs when she was apparently a successful author, but then I went back and re-read the date stamps, so now it makes much more sense

magicdanw
Hi there. I hate waking up when the dreams are good. ...if you have any suggestions as to how to make the time/date/place stamps more noticeable, please let me know. Glad you're enjoying it. Thanks for reading.

In any case, I'm hoping to please any savage beasts in the audience, and leave this for your pleasure. Chapter two, up and ready.

Some reminders, so nobody gets confused:
I would like to call your attention to the place and time headings I’ve put in this fic. I believe I’ll be doing a little bit of jumping, so I’m hoping that it makes sense for you all. Let me know if it doesn’t.
Setting: AU. Begins in 2008, jumps back to the summer after their first year of college, which by my calculations would be June 2000. Will jump to 2008. Will also jump between Sunnydale, CA and Portland, OR. Important things to note: Tara is not now or has she ever been a student as UC Sunnydale. Faith has never been to Sunnydale. Oh, and there are no slayers and demons and other evil creatures that go bump in the night. These are just people living life. Sad and depressing, Amazing and elating, it's just life.
Feedback: I love feedback. It’s quite encouraging. Please feel free to be as constructive as possible, telling me what you liked and what you didn’t. I can’t promise I’ll always take it to heart, but I’m always interested to hear it.

Chapter Two

Portland, Oregon
February, 2008

She pulled her glasses off of the bridge of her nose, and set her face in her hands. She rubbed her fingers over her forehead, temples, and eyes before looking back at the computer screen in front of her. Rereading the passage for the fifth time, she knew something wasn’t right. The words seemed awkward and out of place, something about the paragraph irked her. A reminder popped up on her computer screen, letting her know she’d been working for nine hours and twenty-three minutes. Despite the irritation of the reminder, she smiled. For a girl who only cares about money and sex, Ahn, you sure do seem to do a lot to take care of me. Her feet uncrossed and placed firmly on the ground, and using her hands she pushed away from her work.

Grabbing the coffee cup from her desk, her feet padded against the hardwood floors of her apartment as she headed into the kitchen. Dumping out the old coffee, she tossed the mug into the dishwasher before grabbing a wine glass and a half-drunk bottle from the fridge. Her movements slowed as she stood, pulling the cork from the bottle, staring off into space. Glass of wine for one. Well, that’s not exactly surprising, is it? You spend all your time editing and hiding in this apartment. The only time your roommate can get you out is for readings. The last time you had a date, you spent three hours comparing her to a girl you met eight years ago who might as well be a fantasy. Feeling frustrated with herself, she pushed a hand through her hair, and was completely startled when the phone rang. She stared at it, willing the person on the other end to just stop calling, knowing full well it was probably Anya.

Finally, the answering machine picked up, playing the message she’d grown so used to hearing. “Hello, you’ve reached Anya Jenkins and Tara MacClay. We’re not here right now – well, Tara is probably here and ignoring you – but so far as you know we’re not here right now, so leave a message.” The machine beeped, and the same voice she had just heard filled the apartment.

“By now, you’ve seen the reminders I’ve left on your computer for you to stop working for today. If you still are, I’ve set your computer to self-destruct once it hits nine hours and forty-six minutes, so I hope you’re taking a break.” There was a pause, followed by a brief laugh. “I’m partially kidding.” Another laugh. “I am out tonight, but I’m sure you already know that. My advice to you, Tara, is to go out and do the same. You need an orgasm friend, and despite all my offers, you keep rejecting me. Have a good night, stop working and take care of yourself! I’ll see you in the morning.” The machine beeped again, and then went silent. At least somebody loves me… Well, she’s right about one thing, I certainly need an “orgasm friend”. Her face crinkled in disgust. Or at least a friend other than Anya!

She moved towards her bedroom, her hand caressing the wood of her door before pushing it open. Her room had just a slight chill to it, and she felt her nipples respond to the change in temperature. She placed her wine glass on the bedside table, and slid into bed, moaning slightly as she stretched her body. She was surprised by how achey her body felt, how removed from it she was. Although, I guess if you’re spending your time with words rather than people for twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week for the past few months, then it would make sense to feel removed. She allowed her hands to drift over her form, passing over her breasts, touching the skin over her stomach, her hand slipping down to her thighs, tracing what little nails she had over the skin. Her hand passed unbidden past the waist of her sweats, underneath her panties, and grazed herself lightly. She was not shocked to find herself wet. You spend all that time with words about her, of course you’re turned on.

She allowed herself to push her finger back down, making light contact with her clit, her hips rolled in response. I must need this more than I thought. She closed her eyes and called up the image, the sensations readily. Willow. The name popped in her mind, and she saw it all: the red hair, the beautiful green eyes, her perfect, soft body. She remembered the sensation of kissing her with abandon on the street before she had a name to identify this beauty in form. With a moan, the sensation of pressing her breasts against the other girl’s flooded all of her senses. With shocking clarity, she could recall the scent of shampoo and a slight hint of perfume, the heat of the skin of her back on her hands. It was made more intense by the effects of the drug she had been on when the moment happened, but she pushed the thought out of her mind, wallowing in the sensations if not the reality.

Her imagination firmly took the assorted memories and began to press them into new form, the feel of her breasts against Willow’s back, reveling in the heat. She pushed herself harder into the mattress, her hand seeking and finding her own wetness. Her fingers traced the outline of her sex, dipping in and touching her clit lightly. She moaned, grinding the finger down harder against herself. Biting her lip, she tasted blood, and moaned into her mouth. She was accustomed to the ferocity of her own desire. Thrusting her hips forward, she pressed into herself again and again, feeling the curve of Willow’s ass meeting her insistence. She pushed the thin fabric of her t-shirt up, and grabbed at her nipple with her other hand, wincing slightly against the pressure, rolling out onto her back.

Thrusting her hips forward again, she arched her back as she drove her fingers into herself, gasping. A flash of red hair flitted through her mind as she pushed her thumb into her clit. Dancing green eyes forced her fingers into her harder, faster, again and again, until pressure started to build in her mid-section, stretching down her legs and curling her toes. She stilled her movements, and driving her thumb over her clit once more, releasing herself into her orgasm, moaning as she called out for her imaginary partner. “Willow!” Catching her breath, she sighed, her lips curling around the name and whispering it again for good measure. “Willow…”

Sunnydale, California
July 2000

Tara cracked a grin and laughed, filling the bedroom with its beautiful, lyrical quality. Willow reached up and pushed her fingers into Tara’s armpits, wiggling them to tickle the girl, a matching grin springing up on her face. Tara’s form collapsed onto Willow’s, hips to hips, stomach to stomach, breasts to breasts, and then lips to lips. They slid together, Tara arching forward into Willow, calling forth a low moan from the other girl in delight at the unexpected contact. Their hands met on the mattress, before Tara brought them both up and over Willow’s head, loosening her grip with one hand, while pressing the other girl down at the wrists with another. Her grin shifted into something lavicious, running her free hand down the length of the redhead’s body, and pushing her hand up between her thighs. “Is this what you want?” She demanded, her voice sending a chill down Willow’s spine, forcing her back to arch and her hips raising to meet Tara’s.

“Yes.” Willow felt her voice crack, staring up in wonderment at the assertive girl on top of her. “Yes…”

Tara’s smile beamed brighter, her hand sliding easily into the depths of wet that she found between Willow’s thighs, pushing easily inside of her with two fingers. “This is what you want.” Her voice was as penetrative as her fingers, and Willow dropped her hips, bucking against Tara, feeling herself filled with the other girl.

The sound of a thud forced Willow to open her eyes, her dream slipping out of the grasp of her memory as she shot up in bed panting. Her body felt taut, her skin flushed and aching for touch, her mind desperately trying to keep some semblance of the dream with her. This is what you want. Tara’s voice repeated in her mind, the soft, warm weight of the girl seemed to hold still to Willow’s body as she pieced together what her subconscious mind was telling her. This is what I want. I want Tara. I want her. I want to have sex with her. …Okay, definitely feeling gay here.

She glanced around the room, trying to find the source of the thud noise. Nothing seemed out of place, and her eyes began to close again, her mind drifting, trying to force herself back to the dream. But the thud came again, and once more, and her eyes shot open and looked towards the door. It wasn’t long before the sound came to confirm her fears. “Wills? Willow. Wake up.” Buffy’s voice was muddled by the door between them, but it’s insistence was not lost on the girl. Sighing, she rose from bed.

“Just a second, Buff.” She stretched, glancing at herself in the mirror. Bed hair, pajamas, and barely opened eyes met her gaze. Deciding Buffy deserved no special treatment, she wandered over to the door and opened it, wincing against the flood of light.

“Hi!” Buffy grabbed the girl pulling her into her arms. “What’s going on with my Wills?” She stepped back out of the loose embrace and crinkled her nose at her friend. “Why are you still sleeping?”

Willow shrugged. “I didn’t have anything else to do.”

“Willow, where’s your head these days? We were supposed to do mochas!” She pushed past her friend into the darkened room, flipping the light switch and wandering over to the closet.

“I’m sorry, Buffy, I just forgot.” Willow sat down forlornly on her bed, watching her blond friend rifle through her things, pulling out jeans and a t-shirt.

“I don’t know what’s going on with you, Willow.” Buffy turned towards her a friend, a concerned look in her eyes. “Ever since you got back, you’ve been super spacey.”

“Like Kevin Spacey spacey?” Willow’s lips upturned ever so slightly into the beginning of a smile.

“Something like that.” Buffy answered, sweeping her eyes over her friend’s mostly sullen form. “Something’s going on in Willow world. It’s like…” She trailed off, biting at her lip to stop her next words.

“It’s like when Oz left.” Willow finished for her, and their eyes met. Buffy crossed the distance, nodding, and sat down next to her.

“So, spill, Will.” She smiled. “I’m here in best friend capacity to help you back into the real world.”

Willow leaned into Buffy’s shoulder, giving herself a moment of comfort before shaking off her growing sense of dread. “I’m not sure you want to know.” Willow’s voice was small, the general effect on the girl made her seem fragile.

“I always want to know.” Buffy reaffirmed.

Willow stood, and began to pace the carpet beside her bed, trying to find the words. “Something happened in Portland, something weird. Something I… I don’t know, I guess I just can’t rationalize it away. It keeps invading my thoughts and my brain and my dreams and I can’t let it go. I keep trying, but it just won’t go away.”

“Did somebody hurt you?” Buffy’s eyes expanded, flaring with anger. “I’ll slay them!”

“No, no, nothing like that.” Willow sighed, feeling tears welling up in her eyes. She tried to push the words out, but her tongue was heavy and resistant. Finally, she drew a deep breath and forced out “I kissed a girl!”

Neither of them moved. Silence filled the room, and Willow felt her body refill with dread, and in the absence of anything else to do, she began to babble. “Well, actually, she kissed me. But still… I think I liked it. A lot. And I keep trying to put it out of my head, y’know? I mean, I’m not gay. I’m not gay.” She repeated herself with more force. “But what if I am? I loved Oz, I did, but he left. And maybe he left because it was never truly right. Maybe because I loved him but I couldn’t be in love with him the way he wanted…” She trailed off, casting her green eyes in the direction of her speechless friend. Buffy’s face gave little indication of what she was thinking, she was just staring at Willow, waiting for her to continue. “I’m just confused. I can’t stop thinking about her, but I know I shouldn’t. She told me I shouldn’t…”

“She told you?” Buffy asked, her voice strangely calm as she spoke for the first time.

“Well, yeah. She was our waitress the next morning, and she cornered me in the bathroom, and she told me how sorry she was, for kissing me like that. She apologized for her friend who kind of forced us into it, and she said that had she been sober she probably wouldn’t have done it.”

“She was drunk?!” Buffy’s voice rang incredulously in the room. “What the hell happened in Portland, Will?”

Willow sighed. She hadn’t really wanted to tell Buffy the story, and the truth was, she wasn’t sure she understood either. The conversation in the bathroom did nothing but confuse her further. It had begun and ended so quickly that she hadn’t had time to process the words or the questions she wanted to ask. Everything had just happened so fast. “I’m not sure I really know, Buffy.” She grimaced. “Are you mad?” Her voice sounded small again.

The silence filled the room again as Buffy’s expression slowly changed to something else unreadable. It continued on for at least thirty seconds until Buffy’s mouth opened. “No. No, I’m not mad, Will. I’m not freaked. I don’t think I understand what happened…” Her brow furrowed, and her eyes swept over her friend again. “But that doesn’t mean I can’t accept what you’re telling me. You could be gay.” And now, a smile began to form on Buffy’s face, small and sweet, and completely accepting. “And that’s fine, Willow. I’ll never love you any less.”

“Really?” Willow’s eyes lit up hopefully as she read her friend’s face and smile with a growing happiness in her chest.

“Really.” Buffy nodded at her, the smile never faltering. She leaned forward, and with surprising strength, scooped her friend into a huge hug. “So. What do we do now?”

Portland, Oregon
August, 2000

“Where the hell have you been, T?” Faith shouted over the music.

Tara had just arrived at the bar, chucking her coat over a chair, and sitting herself in it before Faith had started yelling. This is just what I need. Tara ducked her head against the onslaught, letting her hair cover her face to hide behind it. “Nowhere, really.”

“I’ve been calling you for weeks. I was worried. I thought…” Faith had the decency to trail off before screaming out some horrid scenario of where Tara had been. She moved in closer to the other girl, and spoke more softly in her ear. “I thought maybe your Dad found you.”

She had been expecting it, but it didn’t stop her from wincing at the sound of it. “No.” She said, searching her brain for something else to add that she’d want Faith to know. She peaked out at Faith from behind her hair, and saw the girl’s eyes studying her intently from just a few centimeters away. “I’m fine.” She decided on, waving away the scrutiny. Faith leaned forward into her again.

“You had me worried.” Her voice was soft, and her eyes probed Tara’s face. There were bags under her eyes, but that was pretty typical. Any trace of the abuse she’d suffered had long since faded away, but it didn’t take much for Faith to remember the bruises all over her beautiful friend’s face. Her impossibly shy, beautiful friend. She brushed Tara’s cheek with the palm of her hand, and leaned forward to press their lips together.

Tara pulled back quickly. “I’m fine, Faith.”

“T… why can’t we just let this happen? We both know it’s there.” Faith smiled, brushing her lips against Tara’s once more before leaning back without waiting for an answer. She reached into her pocket while Tara tried to think of something to say that would be gentle, that would convey to Faith that she simply had no interest. How could I want you when I want her? She asked herself, shaking her head slightly. And you just pushed me into her like it was a joke. From her pocket, Faith brought out a tiny plastic bag. Tara could make out the shape of four round small pills.

“Faith, no.” She pointed at the baggie.

“Aww, c’mon, T, you had so much fun last time. You remember that stupid girl you kissed?” Faith laughed at the memory. “How pathetic.” Her voice was laced with venom, as if she knew already that she had lost her girl to the redhead. Except, I’m not her girl. I’ve never been her girl. She hits on me, gets me drunk, feeds me drugs, tries to take me to bed, and it’s never worked.

It’s not that Tara was ungrateful for Faith. Truly, it had been Faith who had saved her life. When she stepped off the bus from the middle of nowhere Oregon and arrived in Portland, she had had no plan. Originally, she had thought about going down to California and trying to get into school. No money, no point. How would I afford it? Who would give me a scholarship? She thought dejectedly. Very quickly, she realized she had no plan for money in Portland either, but somehow staying in state seemed to comfort her. She never wanted to go back but she wasn’t ready to give up either. After a few days of wandering, trying to find a job and a place to live, it was Faith who had given her a chance for both. They had met in a bar, similar to this one, and Faith had hit on her relentlessly until Tara, a little drunk and very sad, burst out crying. Faith had been stunned. Tara laughed now at the memory, the look on her face made me think she was going to run as far away as she could get. But something in Faith’s tough demeanor had cracked, and she took Tara in to her shitty apartment until Tara got on her feet two weeks later.

The entire time they lived together, Faith had been respectful, as if she didn’t want to scare the girl away. But it didn’t stop her from her conquests. A few days of living with Faith, and Tara was convinced she never wanted to be with someone who used and lost sex partners as quickly and as carelessly as Faith did. Unfortunately, when Tara had found her own place, Faith’s advances had begun anew. And so they continued for months, over a year now. Faith making references to how they belonged together, and Tara feeling further and further away from that reality. She had tried to explain, tried to tell her friend, but her words were waved away as if she didn’t know what she was talking about. That alone, Faith, that alone is why you’ll never have me. Now I know that I’m better than this life. You are too, but you’ll never ever realize it.

“She wasn’t pathetic.” Faith looked up at Tara’s words, surprise written plainly on her face. “She was beautiful.” Tara still hid behind the curtain of her hair, but the assertiveness that Faith had taught her, the shield which Faith had taught her to put up to live in this world, it served her well. Her voice was strong.

“Don’t tell me you’re reforming for some girl who doesn’t exist anymore.” Faith snapped back at her angrily. “C’mon, T, she left two months ago and she’s not coming back. I’m right here.” Her voice was just as strong as Tara’s, but had a weirdly desperate after taste.

Tara pushed the curtain of hair back, the look on her face an odd mixture of sympathy and disdain. “Maybe she’s not. But I deserve better than this.” She reached for Faith’s hand, wrapping it tenderly with her own. Almost as an afterthought, despite her knowing what little good it would do, she added: “So do you.” She sighed. “I have to stop, Faith, or I’m gonna die like this.”

Faith pulled her hand away and stood abruptly, staring down at the girl. Tara’s whole body flinched at the aggression of the move, instinctively shielding herself. “You think you’re too good for this life now? Why? Because of some stupid bitch? Some fucking rich tourist? C’mon, T, you were born to live this way. When you get over your fucking high and mighty act, you come see me, and I’ll show you what living really is.” Faith looked down at her, as if debating for a moment whether or not to actually hit her, and then turned on her heel and stormed out of the bar.

A steady stream of breath pushed out from between Tara’s lips before her head sunk into her waiting hands. Elbows on the table, sitting alone in a shitty bar, she bowed her head completely before a sob raked its way from her chest and broke free. She cried, drowned out by the music in the dim light in a room filled with smoke. She cried for an hour and a half before standing and walking out. Nobody noticed. Nobody cared.

DIBS ! read now !
aww no i do care ! ! !
Wow this story get better and better !
In this chap i laught i smile i was angry and sad at one moment ! wow
I love the way you write.
I can't wait to see how Tara meet Anya !
What's going to happen next ???

I'm loving this story even more and can't wait until they meet again!!

OK let me just say a lot of this first half of this story hit home.




I do this all the time trust me and without giving away to much. I totally get where Tara has been coming from this whole story. So lead on oh by the way Faith is pissing me off. Why is it we can have woman we don't want but cant have the woman we do? I am compelled to read your story.

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Dia the spelunker
Never underestimate the powerful love of a good woman
If you were a cave what kind of cave would you be

Hey! Nice work!

Sorry to be so brief with my feedback,... but I wanted you to know that I am enjoying your story! Please keep writing, you have a great start here and I am really looking forward to seeing what happens next.

Good for Tara, pulling herself up by her boot straps. I can see your scenario happening, and I am glad that she is doing something to make her life better. Uh. I am pretty sure that Tara's last name is spelled 'Maclay' though. It's a whole thing.

Also - it is not a problem for me to jump from time-to-time. The headings make sense to me ...and it I think it is a good tool to keep the connection/tension between Tara and Willow present over this long stretch of time.

I look forward to reading more!

db

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I am, you know.

This is a pretty intense story. Thanks for giving us the opportunity to read. And thanks that Buffy seems to be the understanding loving friend Willow reserves. Sometimes she is all the bitch in FF. But I so don't like Faith here. She is pretty selfish and she is a lot of canon Faith. Maybe she'll grow up, too? For now the only two good things she did was saving Tara in the beginning and pushing her and Willow together. Without knowing she did the right thing. Even if the two love birds aren't able to react to what happened.

I totally love the way how you tell your story. Switching between two timelines makes it more interesting. Surely I want to know what happenes next in each timeline but this makes it more exiting.

Poor Willow and poor Tara at least in 2000 they seem pretty vulnerable and confused about life. I hope they meet soon and get some happiness with each other.

Waiting patiently for the next update.

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She's not drivin stick anymore?

Hey there! Still loving where this is going. It's not "neat and pretty", it's very real and I can certainly imagine it happening. I love the switch from Tara's fantasy to Willow's dream -- very hot and sweet at the same time. I think the time progress is working really well. At times I can't tell where I am in the story, but I like that, like I am jumping in and out of someone's life; a real fly on the wall. Nice job and please keep it coming!

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-pipsberg

"We live our lives, do whatever we do, and then we sleep - it's as simple and ordinary as that."
Michael Cunningham, The Hours

Really good story...

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We few, we happy few. We band of buggered.

Posting While Nude Improves Your Mood.

Auriam
I'm so glad you like my story so much. Stay with me, things continue to twist and turn.

whatmakesyouhappy
No promises on that happening fast, ok? Glad you like it. Please come back.

Dianneswillowtree
I get where she's coming from too, so we'll both empathize with her together. Faith pisses me off too, and what's funny is that in an earlier draft she was a much different character in this story. But it's kind of easy in the long run to use her as the bad guy, esp. considering canon. Thanks for reading.

db
Hi! Welcome.
Brief feedback is just as good as the long juicy stuff. Honestly, I'm forever perpetuating the "brief feedback" myself. So much to say, not enough time to say it. Thanks for the encouragement, it's appreciated.

As for Tara's last name, that's totally embarassing! I know how her name is spelled, and yet there's some kind of mental block in my mind that stops me from typing it that way! Drives me nuts! Sorry about that faux pass! Good Lord, it's almost enough to make me want to hide my head in the sand.

Thanks for letting me know the jumping works for you. It's appreciated.

sacinema
I much prefer Buffy as "the loving friend" Willow deserves. It makes me smile. I mentioned Faith a few people up, and I think that it explains a little bit of my thought process: short answer, too easy to use as the baddy, although I hope that she comes across here as largely misguided moreso than actually evil.

As for poor W/T in 2000, Willow is a freshman in college, Tara has run away from her family (Dad), it's a tough time. I'm sure they'll eventually figure things out.

I'm not sure if you're "waiting patiently" means I've not done my job right, or you're just a better more patient person than I am in general, but either way, thanks for reading.

pipsberg
I was pretty excited about the switch myself, I know how much kittens love their smut. "A fly on the wall" heh... maybe I should change the name of the story.

On an entirely different note, I love your picture of A/A. Always have, always will. It's nice to see it pop up on the page while I'm rereading the chapter six times to make sure it's right. (I swear I'm not anal retentive, but y'know, public forum and all that jazz...) Thanks for stopping in.

Zampsa1975
Glad you like it.

Once again, thanks everyone for reading and commenting, it is the balm that soothes me in the lonely nights I'm working to get something right. Well... it's nice to hear people are enjoying it. Update soon.

Ouch.

I try to think of something more coherent to say, but I keep coming up with 'ouch'. Damn, it pained me to read the first chapter, and still I went for the second one.

This is good. Keep going.

Cass x

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"I believe that women were born to be admired, adored and worshipped. A world without women? - Unthinkable." - Yours truly.
"I see my breath in the cold of the air that I breathe and I'm wondering if it's you that I feel here haunting me forever. I have been searching for traces of what we were. A ghost of you is all that I have left of you to hold." - Good Charlotte

Hello

Oh this is very interesting. I particularly like the jumps

Keep going on please

Thanks.

Julia

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Broken Dolls |The Stadium's Goddesses | Seeds Of Beauty

"Joie est mon caractère, C'est la faute à Voltaire; Misère est mon trousseau, C'est la faute à Rousseau." Gavroche. Victor Hugo, Les Misérables (chap. XV)

LUSH LUSH LUSH LUSH LUSH

But seriously, I think it describes your writing style pretty damn perfectly. The content is really intense but you manage to bring a nice sensuality to everything and it brings all the aspects of the story together to create something truly beautiful.

Nicely done.

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-diamondforever

diamondforever's fanfiction archive

I like the start to this fic - Faith, Tara and Willow are all portrayed so well. Buffy too, tho' hers has been a minor role so far. Faith is an interesting character, with her aggression and protectiveness and overt sexuality all warring with her insecurity. It's good to know - from the future flash - that Tara works her way out of her bad circumstances. I'm hanging out now to know what happens in Willow's future and Faith's.

Thanks
Anne

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Spells for Two

Every path has its puddle. Old English Saying... I think I just stepped in mine...

Some feedback:
intricate mirage
To be honest I'm not sure whether to be flattered or nervous that all you can think of is "ouch". Still, I'm glad you're having a strong reaction to the material. So count me flattered. Thanks for reading.

JujuDeRoussie
I'm glad the jumps seem to be working out so well. Will keep going. Thank you...

diamondforever
You can now officially leave me feedback anytime. (Everyone else is unofficially welcomed. ) You're very kind. I also love the word sensuality, and it's something I strive for, so I love to hear that at least some small bit of it is coming through. Thank you.

spells42
Hi Anne. That's my middle name with the 'e' and everything. I'm glad you're happy with my portrayal of the characters, it's quite a high compliment to be paid in fanfic and I truly appreciate it. Hope you enjoy.

:

Some reminders, so nobody gets confused:
I would like to call your attention to the place and time headings I’ve put in this fic. I believe I’ll be doing a little bit of jumping, so I’m hoping that it makes sense for you all. Let me know if it doesn’t.
Setting: AU. Begins in 2008, jumps back to the summer after their first year of college, which by my calculations would be June 2000. Will jump to 2008. Will also jump between Sunnydale, CA and Portland, OR. Important things to note: Tara is not now or has she ever been a student as UC Sunnydale. Faith has never been to Sunnydale. Oh, and there are no slayers and demons and other evil creatures that go bump in the night. These are just people living life. Sad and depressing, Amazing and elating, it's just life.
Feedback: I love feedback. It’s quite encouraging. Please feel free to be as constructive as possible, telling me what you liked and what you didn’t. I can’t promise I’ll always take it to heart, but I’m always interested to hear it.

Chapter 3

Portland, Oregon
August 2002

Had it really happened? It was so long ago now that she could only remember it as being the singularly most unexplainable, important event in her life. One kiss. One kiss that was the best kiss of your entire life and it was some girl on the street! She sat in the lobby, staring blankly ahead of her, her eyes glazed and fixed on a point just past the receptionist. Her hands were folded in her lap, her legs bouncing impatiently, nervously. Not to mention the fact that it could have been the drugs that made it so amazing. It doesn’t seem that way. It doesn’t seem like it was the seratonin flooding my body that made that kiss seem so unbearably perfect. It was her eyes, the nervousness with which she regarded me, the electric shock that runs through my body when I remember it. Her mouth released the smallest sigh ever known to man. Still could be the drugs.

In the end, it didn’t really matter whether it was the drugs or not. Not when the redhead was still the only woman Tara could think about, day or night. Not now, two years after the fact when she still woke up with the name on her tongue, when it sprang unbidden to her lips throughout the course of her day, a blessing and a curse. Willow, the girl who gave solace without truly existing. Willow, the girl who broke Tara’s heart every day simply by not being there.

Still, in many ways, Tara owed her life to Willow. I wouldn’t have “left” Faith. I wouldn’t have met Anya. I wouldn’t have this chance. Her heart began to pound wildly in her chest; she had ignored this impending meeting by keeping herself busy with her favorite distraction… until now. Now, the mind numbing terror flooded through her body anew, now more terrifying than it had been on the streetcar as she made her way to these offices, than when she had woken up that morning. She was terrified of what they were going to say. We’ve decided your book is terrible and you should never attempt to write again. You have to give us back the money we gave you.

“Ms. Maclay? He’ll see you now.” The receptionist forced a smile at Tara, shooting her eyes over towards the elevator as if to direct the girl.

“Oh.” It was all she could say as she picked her body up on unsteady legs, and slowly berated herself in her mind as her limbs seemed to rebel against normal, casual movement. She reached the elevator and pressed the button, feeling very much like she was on her way to certain destituteness. She swallowed heavily, and it seemed to echo in the emptiness of the elevator as she rode to the top floor.

The doors slid open on another receptionist behind a mahogany desk, behind her, the company name carved from a copper plate. Council Publishing Company, one of the largest publishers on the West Coast, certainly the biggest in Oregon. She always felt intimidated when she walked in here.She took a step forward out of the elevator, and promptly tripped over her own two feet. She winced, more out of pain than embarassment, and nearly died when she heard a voice from above her.

“Dear Lord!” The man swept the glasses off of his face, and offered Tara a hand. “Are you alright my dear?” He asked, his voice filled with genuine concern.

Her skin flushed bright red, and immediately the curtain of her hair swept forward to cover her face as she stared down at her feet. Stupid feet! “I-I’m fine.” More wincing. Stupid mouth!

“I should hope so.” He smiled in a fatherly way that was actually completely reassuring. “Are you Tara?” Her name off his tongue made her relax as if enveloped in a warm hug.

Letting out a breath to steady herself, she opened her smile and looked him in the eye, “Yes, I’m Tara Maclay. I’m here to see Mr. Giles.” She searched his face trying to place the man, and realized quickly his very presence was comforting. Something about him was terribly familiar, but how she did not know. Still, he was in no way threatening, and she felt her whole body relax.

“Wonderful. I am Rupert Giles. Follow me.”



“Ms. Maclay…” He started after sitting her down in his too impressive office.

“Tara, please.” She smiled at him, stilling the nervousness she felt tingling all over her body.

“Tara, then…” he smiled back at her. “As you know, the Council has been very interested in bringing your children’s books to the market. We would be very lucky to be the ones to bring your work to the world.”

“Thank you so much for the opportunity, Mr. Giles. I think we’re making good progress. I was so pleased…”

“Giles, please. Everyone just calls me Giles.” His face filled with an exasperated smile.

“Of course… Giles.” It sounded silly coming from her mouth, used to the pleasantries of common courtesy. She felt comforted by the familiarity and his warm manner, but it still felt odd. Strange to be in this office of ornament and antiques. “I was surprised by your interest in my books.”

“You shouldn’t have been. They are incredible, Tara, really, my own children will not put them down. The books are a parent’s dream,” He smiled at her again, and continued, “but your work in children’s literature is not why you’re here today.”

Her eyes widened as she regarded him with a puzzled expression. The Council had been working with her for six months on her book, There Is Always Magic. “I’m sorry, Giles, I… I don’t understand…”

“You are working with Mr. Wyndam-Price on your children’s novel, and that has been going extremely well. I hear nothing but good reports, everything is fine.” He smiled at her. “I do not work in children’s literature, so I’m afraid I had to sneak copies of your manuscript home to read it to my children. My apologies, but it’s been quite the hit in the office, and we wanted to hear some opinions from the target audience, if you will.”

She waved off his concern. “Of course, Mr. Giles, I mean, Giles, I’m glad your children enjoy it. But forgive me, why am I here with you?”

“Ms. Maclay, I had the fortune of being in attendance at an open mic at Three Friends coffeehouse. I believe you’re familiar…”

Three Friends? The surprise registered on her face. That means he heard me read… Oh god! “Y-yes, I… I read there a few weeks ago.”

“Yes, you did.” He smiled. “I myself have been known to enjoy a cup of tea… and performing…”

Recognition flooded her eyes. Of course! This is the man who plays his guitar and sings. What a great voice. Anya drags me there all the time to watch him play! “I’ve seen you sing. You are wonderful.”

This seemed to embarrass him. “Yes, well, thank you.” He pulled his glasses off his face again, and began to clean them with a white cloth he drew from his jacket pocket. Tara watched his face flush red, and couldn’t help but shoot him a grin. “I saw you read.” Tara’s face matched his in its tomato coloring. “It was wonderful. You have quite a way with words, Ms… Tara.” He smiled at her once more. “So, as you can see, although my children and I love your book, I am much more interested in your adult work.” His eyes went wide for a moment, and then he repeated, “Your other work, that is.”

“Thank you.” The red of her blush colored her cheeks and threatened to fill her chest and neck. She focused her big blue eyes on him, embarrassed by the compliment, but politely demure.

What a lovely creature, Giles thought. “Given the nature of your… other work, our company would have to insist on a pen name if we were to pursue publishing it.” He made a face that expressed his distaste. “You Americans are so puritanical.” He muttered.

“I think that’s understandable.” Tara smiled, giggling to herself about Giles’ off handed comment. She found herself truly enjoying the man’s company. “Would I be working with you?”

“Yes, if that pleases you. This is a bit of my pet project you see.”

“Yes, Giles, that pleases me very much.” She offered him another grin, sinking back into her chair.


Sunnydale, California
August 2001

Willow looked on in horror as her date took down three shots of tequila, one after another. She raised her glass, offering a weak smile in toast, and taking a sip of her mocha.

“You’re not going to drink anything?” Amy asked, tossing her badly dyed blond hair over her shoulder.

“I’m not much for the drinking. Sometimes, you know, during social occasions en masse, like a party? But for the casual hanging out, not so much.”

“Oh.” Amy answered, her eyes running over Willow’s form as if bored at her answer. Her v-neck shirt clung to her curves nicely, the red of it actually complimenting the girl’s hair and making her green eyes sparkle. Her dark blue jeans hugged her hips, her form, though perhaps not as curvy as others, was certainly deliciously womanly.

“You like the drinking I see. What else do you like to do?” Willow attempted to make conversation, feeling put off already.

“Mostly I party. Oh, and I love a good cheese tasting. Usually with wine. Or brownies. Especially with a cup of coffee and a shot of Bailey’s.” Amy stepped forward, putting her hands on Willow’s hips. “I like to do other things, too.”

Willow looked down to the girl’s hands on her hips in wonderment. Well, she’s got guts, that’s for sure. More guts than me, anyway. She placed her own hands over them, attempting to decide whether or not to push them off. Amy took this as a positive sign, and pulled Willow’s form into her own, inching her face forward until their lips met with a crushing pressure from Amy. Too much! Willow’s mind frantically screamed at her, even as her lips opened in pure shock. Amy took the opportunity to push her tongue into Willow’s mouth, greedily moving towards more than Willow intended to give. Willow found the strength in her body to push back off the hands on her hips, their lips shooting back from each other with an audible pop. Amy stared at Willow with some form of disbelief written over her features. Who the hell does this girl think she is?

“I should have known better than to go out with a nerd.” Amy said mostly to herself.

“Hey! You back off.” Willow answered. “We just met. You don’t know anything about me.”

“Are you kidding? Willow Rosenberg, ‘I used to date a musician’.” Amy’s voice was cruel. “Are you even gay?” She demanded. “Have you ever been out with a woman before? Fucked a woman before?”

Willow opened her mouth to speak and quickly shut it. She eyed the girl before her. “Yes, I’m gay. I’m here, aren’t I?” Okay, not the best comeback in the world, but at least I said something!

Amy laughed. “Oh, sure. One date with a woman and you’re gay. Very trendy. How very now. It’s unbelievable how lame you are!”

“Amy, you’re nothing but an alcoholic!” Willow’s voice rose so most of the Bronze stopped what they were doing and paid attention.

“Maybe, but at least I have a life, at least I have friends. What do you have?”

“She’s got us.” Xander’s voice had never sounded better. In fact, as he and Buffy appeared from around the corner, she wanted to kiss both of them squarely on the mouth. My saviors!

“More fucking losers.” Amy grabbed her stuff and pushed past Buffy and Xander, knocking them both with her shoulders.

“Are you okay?” Buffy asked, placing a hand on Willow’s shoulder.

“Yeah, I’m fine. Never happier to see my two best buds, though.” She shot a thankful smile in their direction. “What are you doing here?”

“Where else is there to go, Will?” Xander offered her a kind smile. “What the hell was that? She was an uberbitch… reminds me of Cordelia.”

“Well, if she weren’t gay, I would have suggested you asking her out.” Willow answered with a grin.

“We saw things begin to get rowdy from over there, and figured we’d make our presence known in case you wanted a way out.” Buffy said, rubbing her hand on Willow comfortingly. “I see your date went well. And I ask again – what the hell were you thinking?”

Willow sighed. “I was thinking that it was time to stop agonizing over some girl I may never see again and try to get on with things. But the whole time I was sitting here, before she turned into a psychotic alcoholic, I couldn’t help thinking that she just wasn’t Tara.”

“Willow, not to go all Mom on you, but how much different was that from what happened with Tara?” Xander’s voice was soft, knowing he was delivering a bit of a blow.

“What the hell does that mean?” Willow snapped back, her eyes beginning to fill with unmistakable Willow rage.

“Woah, Will… relax. Best buds to the rescue, remember?” Buffy moved to stand in between her and Xander.

“No Buff, it’s time we finally say something… From the story you’ve told me, Tara wasn’t exactly sober when she kissed you, right? How far off is this from that?” Xander asked, holding Willow’s eyes in his own.

“It’s completely different! Kind of.” Willow moved to sit down on the unoccupied couch beside the table she had just shared with Amy.

“Kind of?” Buffy shot Xander a look that said tread carefully.

“I know you guys mean well. I do. And I know from the outside, it doesn’t look all that different, but…” Willow pushed her hands through her hair, and looked down to the floor, her eyes shutting in concentration. “The kiss wasn’t all that different, admittedly. But the day after…”

Portland, Oregon
June, 2000

“I’m sorry, Willow.” Tara’s voice was soft, but her words were crystal clear. Willow couldn’t help but feel her heart lift as the girl spoke her name.

“Sorry.” Willow parroted back. She swept her eyes over Tara’s form, the black pants with creased legs that drove the eyes up to wonderfully curvy hips, the point of her tie acting as an arrow towards the place Willow didn’t want to look but couldn’t keep her eyes away from. What mysteries laid beneath the fabric? Was her skin really as creamy and perfect as Willow imagined it would be? She followed the tie up, and appreciated the ampleness of Tara’s chest, and felt an ache she had experienced so many times before. She had always dismissed it as wishing she had larger breasts herself, but what if… what if what she really wanted was the breasts themselves? She imagined Tara’s free of constriction and under her hands and mouth, a shiver working its way up her spine. She shook her head to free herself of the images. “Sorry for what?” She asked, her curiosity peaking.

“For kissing you.” Tara responded, looking mostly at the floor, unaware of the green eyes she longed to see feasting on her form.

“For kissing me.” Willow repeated again, her head nodding as she thought. “Don’t be.” Her answer was nearly whispered, but firm.

Tara finally looked up at the redhead, aware that her heart was beating out of her chest. She instinctively took a step toward the girl, this time she could do nothing but repeat what had been said. “Don’t be…” Another step towards Willow, and her mind rebelled. “No, I am sorry.”

“Why?” Willow asked, her head tilting to the side, watching as Tara moved closer.

Another step. “Because…” She trailed off, trying to think of the reason she had had, the reason why she regretted their kiss. “Because Faith pushed us into it, and she was rude. Because you were a total stranger, and I just violated you. Because it wasn’t consensual. Because I had no right.” Tara shook her head, stepping back away from the girl, feeling her heart break at her own indiscretions. How could I do that to her? She berated herself.

This time, Willow took a step forward. “You’re right.” Her right foot reached out propelling her forward again. “When you kissed me, I didn’t know I wanted you to.” Her left followed suit. “And then you pulled away… and…”

Tara’s brain tried to wrap around the words that came out of Willow’s mouth. Didn’t know she wanted me to? Wait. That means that after I kissed her, she did want me to. Wait. What? “Willow, I’m sorry. I-I wasn’t… I-I wasn’t… sober.” Great, now I’m a drug addict that forces myself on people. “It wasn’t right.” She took another step back.

“Are you sober now?”

“What?”

“Are you sober now?” Willow repeated, more forcefully than the first time.

“Yes.” Tara still didn’t get it. She didn’t get it as she felt Willow move towards her with increasing speed, and she was utterly at a loss when she felt Willow’s arms close around her, pull her close, and Willow’s lips covering hers in a kiss that knocked her back against a wall. What the hell is happening here? Tara’s brain screamed at her even as she felt herself respond passionately to a woman she’d met the night before.

When they finally pulled apart, it was their bodies reacting to the lack of oxygen rather than an act of will. “Don’t be sorry.” Willow repeated again.

“I-I don’t really know what to say.” Tara gathered all of the strength in her body and looked into those beautiful green eyes. “I have to go back to work…” Why did I say that? I don’t want to go back to work, I want to push you to the floor and rip your clothes off.

Willow nodded solemnly. “You should.” She doesn’t want me.

“Okay, then.” Tara’s brow furrowed as she stared at Willow, backing towards the door. When she felt the handle hit her back painfully, she finally turned around, pulled open the door, and walked out. God, Willow, I want you so badly.


Sunnydale, California
August, 2001

Xander and Buffy shared a look before Buffy spoke. “You never told us that you kissed her.”

Willow leveled her gaze at her two friends, neither missing the unshed tears in her eyes. “I didn’t know how to say that. It was easier to tell you and myself that I could be gay at the time then admit out loud that I actually was.”

“But it changes the whole story Will.” Xander interjected. He and Buffy sat down on either side of Willow, and without consultation, each grabbed one of her hands. “It’s one thing if she kisses you and you feel a thing, right?” He searches Willow’s face as Buffy nods behind her. “It’s another thing if she kisses you and when you meet again you kiss her, ‘cuz then we’re past just thing territory and into y’know, feelings stuff.”

“There’s a difference between an attraction and real feelings. When you act on attraction, all you’re risking is that moment. When you act on feelings, you’re kinda risking yourself.” Buffy nodded as if acting on some kind of supreme authority.

Willow eyed Buffy up and down and laughed a bit, her face lighting up enough to remove the gloom. “Sage Buffy.” As she looked at both her friends, she felt comforted. A long standing tension seemed to dissolve from her shoulders and she stood up pulling them both behind her. “We might as well have some fun tonight. Let’s dance.”

“Boogeying at the Bronze.” Xander grinned and followed the redhead.

“It’s what we do best.” Buffy muttered to herself, trailing behind and grinning.

DIBS sorry I have to read after work

Great update. I really liked the new pieces of information gleaned from the filled in time periods. It really works well. The date with Amy was painful, but not a big surprise there. Nice work!

_________________
-pipsberg

"We live our lives, do whatever we do, and then we sleep - it's as simple and ordinary as that."
Michael Cunningham, The Hours

I ,m like a rubber ball bouncing but a happy rubber ball I cant wait till you put them together and the sparks fly. Waiting for more of this wonderful story.

_________________
Dia the spelunker
Never underestimate the powerful love of a good woman
If you were a cave what kind of cave would you be

Hi there! I just caught up with this and wanted to let you know I'm really enjoying it.

The time line was a little confusing at first, but I'm following along better now. It's interesting to see the little additions as we're going along, i.e. the bathroom scene, so now it's falling into place better for me.

The beginning was a little rough, as far as Tara's behaviors/addictions, but as we move along, it seems she wanted a way to forget her past and her family, and Faith and drugs took care of that for a time. But now we're seeing a little stronger Tara and how she was able to move on from that and is now making something of herself. And oh, loved the intro of Giles, yes, very comforting. So he's going to be in charge of Tara's "adult" stories? Makes me even more interested.

Great job. Can't wait to see what's next.


Wimpy

_________________
Pam aka Wimpy0729
Restlessness ~ Quickies - The Lovers, The Dreamers & Me

"There was plenty of magic." ~~ Tara

again wow
the changing time is really good !
Well done and all !
I really love this story Go Chance GO !