TITLE: How Did We Get Here? How Do We Get Out?
RATING: There's some 'spicy talk.'
DISCLAIMER: [insert disclaimer here]
SPOILERS: Yep, up till 'Wrecked'
NOTE/READ ME: I had no intention of writing a W/T story but an idea wrapped itself around my brain and would not let go. I wasn't planning on writing any W/T fic because I just started watching BtVS, and I'm not real familiar w/ the characters. 'Bargainings' was my first Ep. so the personalities may not match up to the characters. Oh and no Beta, so...
-Here's the 1st part. More, maybe the rest tomorrow. Peace ... Dix-
Part One...
Willow blinked slowly and opened her eyes. She let her eyes adjust to the darkness as she took in her surroundings. The sleep began to slip away and it became easier to discern where she was. Willow blinked a few times and smiled as she pulled away from unconsciousness and into the waking world. Everything was clear.
She was in her bed in the Summers residence, and from the slight heat she felt on her right side, she knew that Tara was there too. Not as close as she wanted her girlfriend to be, but still, she was there and it felt unnaturally good to Willow.
Willow pulled her thoughts away from her lover presence for a moment to study her lovers work on the ceiling instead. Not long ago Tara had bought several hundred of those glow-in-the-dark stellar stickers that you put on your walls or ceiling. They were usually for children but Tara had asked her if she minded if she put them up. When Willow told her that she didn’t … well, her lover went all out. The entire ceiling was now covered with glowey stars and planets and other stellar phenomena. Tara had even arranged the constellations exactly. Everything from ‘short man looking uncomfortable’ to the ‘big pineapple.’
With her thoughts back to Tara, Willow pulled her eyes away from the starry ceiling and she turned her head to let her eyes fall on her sleeping girlfriend. Willow grinned hugely when she saw that Tara was sleeping on her stomach. The petite redhead loved when her girlfriend slept on her stomach. At least in this one position she did.
Tara was on her stomach with her head resting on crossed arms that where under her pillow. The sheets were pooled around her hips … and she was naked. She wasn’t facing the redhead though … not yet. But Willow knew how to remedy that so she wasn’t discouraged.
Willow scooted closer to her sleeping lover but stopped when she was still several inches away. She felt the heat coming from Tara's body more but she wouldn’t allow it to pull her in … not yet. Willow gently moved her hand from her own hip to the small of Tara’s back.
Tara didn’t respond by anything but the slightest movement and a deep breath, but Willow waited anyway. After a few seconds the redhead slid her hand up from the base of the silky smooth skin, up along the muscled plane of the blondes back and stopped at her neck. Tara remained still so Willow moved her hand from her neck and used it to gather the dark blonde mane and pull it off to the side, exposing the beautiful back completely.
With the soft, honeyed hair out of the way, Willows hand went back to her girlfriends neck. She massaged her neck muscles with the gentlest of touches and stopped only when Tara’s legs started to move and a small noise erupted from her throat. But that was all that she did. As soon as the blonde settled back in Willow pulled her hand away from the very inviting, kissable neck and slowly dragged a finger down her girlfriends spine. The hand stopped at the base, and once again sat on the small of Tara’s back.
Willow let her hand rest there for the moment and she dropped her eyes to where her lovers body met the bed, and she was reminded once again why this was her favorite position for Tara. Willow started the path of her eyes at her girlfriends waist. Under the thin blanket set across those rounded hips were the firm, round globes of Tara’s backside. Willows hand was being drawn to the delicious globes but she refused it and forced her eyes to continue their journey.
Back where body met bed was Tara’s soft and flat stomach. Willow loved to run her hands over Tara’s smooth stomach and circle the adorable belly button with her fingertip while her girlfriend squirmed in her arms. Willow smiled and continued. Just up from TaraTummy were her sides and ribs. It was a well traveled path of WillowHand. TaraTummy then sides, then to the main reason Willow loved this sleeping position.
Tara’s breasts.
The soft, yet firm, voluptuous breasts were trapped between body and bed. The wonderfully sensitive nipples were hidden of course, but the sight of her girlfriends breasts peeking out from the sides… It was inviting and teasing. Willow knew what she wanted, but she would have to work for it. To see Tara in this position was very stimulating for Willow … now if only she could look into those azure eyes, everything would be perfect.
Those eyes and that beautiful face that she loved to look at more then anything else in the world was still denied to her, so she decided to try a little harder. Willow scooted closer until there was barely an inch separating them. She set her head down carefully on her girlfriends pillow and then began to tenderly massage and knead the muscles of Tara’s lower back. A moment passed before the sleeping blonde moaned in contentment and then… finally… she turned her head and rewarded Willow with the prize that she had been seeking.
The redhead smiled, she and Tara where almost nose to nose. Willow closed her eyes and inhaled deeply. The combined smell of lilac, vanilla, honeysuckle, and sunshine washed over her. Everything that made up the smell of Tara. It was like an ambrosia to Willow, one that she had constantly starved for ever since her first taste.
Willow touched her forehead to her lovers, she wanted to feel the energy, the essence that she was so familiar with. It wafted around the blonde all of the time. Tara was so pure and so clean. She had an innocence about her that belonged to her and her alone. It something unique … something special. If Tara’s energy could be embodied … Willow would have called it love.
Love. Willow loved the woman before her more then life itself and right now she wanted nothing more then to look into those crystal blue eyes that she was so familiar with and see the love there. She wanted to experience the love that she and Tara shared. The first step for Willow was always looking into her lovers eyes.
Willow kept her left hand on Tara’s back and she propped herself up on her elbow. She lowered her mouth next to the blondes ear and whispered, "Tara."
The sleeping blonde moaned softly in drowsy recognition but didn’t wake up.
It didn’t work, but she would not be deterred, Willow nuzzled her loves ear with her nose and then whispered again, "Tara."
This time there was a moan and then a slight jerk as the blonde pulled away from the dreaming world. Willow smiled and pulled back to look into the adored features that she had been seeking.
Tara’s eyes were still closed when Willow set her face back down on the shared pillow, but the blonde was smiling a shy, seductive smile that never failed to curl the redheads toes. Without opening her eyes Tara moved her head until her lips where hovering next to Willows ear.
The redhead could feel the heat from Tara’s breath wash over her ear, and her body tingled in response. Their cheeks were pressed together and Willow felt herself smile, "Tara," she said quietly, yet loudly enough for the blonde to hear. She hoped that her acknowledgement would hurry the blonde into more contact.
Willow felt and heard Tara inhale, and then luscious lips where even closer to her sensitive lobe. It seemed like an eternity, but Tara finally spoke.
"You taste like strawberries."
TBC...
Thanks Kittens, I'm glad you like it.
Sorry about the cliffhanger. Here's the non cliffhanging Part Two.
"You taste like strawberries."
Willow pulled away quickly and looked at her lover. "What?" she asked breathlessly.
Tara was looking down but Willow could see the seductive smile playing at her lips. It wasn’t the shy seductive smile from only moments ago either. It was … almost predatory. It was a look that she had never seen on her girlfriend. One she never wanted to see again.
"Tara?" she asked with trepidation.
The blonde head rose slowly and Willow gasped when their eyes locked. Gone where the soft blue eyes of understanding and love. The redhead was only newly familiar with the eyes staring back at her, but she would recognize them anywhere.
Rack.
Tara, or Rack in Tara’s body opened her mouth to speak. A loud crashing noise emanated from the full lips and Willow looked on in fear and confusion. She shut her eyes to try to hide, or escape the scene in front of her when a loud bang from behind her forced her to jump and her eyes snapped open.
Willow’s eyes opened widely against bright light and she quickly shut them again. She blinked slowly and carefully opened her eyes. She was in her bed, in the Summers home. The bright light coming from the windows in the room told her it was sometime in the morning.
The dream, or nightmare quickly played across Willow’s consciousness and she snapped her head around to Tara’s side of the bed. It was empty. Just like it had been every day and night for the past eleven days. It was as empty as Willow felt.
Willow sighed deeply and a second later heard her housemates moving around. Dawn, Dawn who was furious with her, probably hated her, was in the bathroom and Buffy was banging on the bathroom door. Willow sunk back into bed and listened.
"Dawn? Are you okay in there? I heard something break." Asked Buffy from her position outside of the bathroom door.
"I’m fine, it was just a glass." The teenager called out.
"Why is there a glass in the bathroom? Three clumsy people live here and two more visit often. And I don’t want you cleaning it up. Let me in, I’ll do it."
Willows heart ached, there used to be four clumsy people living there. It was her fault that now there were only three.
"It was the glass from the water you gave me last night. For the painkillers."
Willow cringed from her place in bed. It was her fault that Dawn needed painkillers in the first place.
"Well let me in, I’ll clean it up." Said Buffy loudly. A moment passed and then the slayer spoke again. "Dawn what are you doing in there? Are you cleaning up the glass? You better not be cleaning up the glass."
Willow heard the bathroom lock click and then the door opened, "I was brushing my teeth." Said Dawn indignantly. "Do you have any idea how difficult it is to put toothpaste on your toothbrush with only one hand?"
Willow wanted to cry, that was her fault too. God, everything wrong around her was her own fault and she wasn't even out of bed yet.
Buffy ignored her, "You weren’t touching the glass?"
A dramatic sigh, "No Buffy, I wasn’t touching the glass. One trip to the hospital a week is enough for me. If you think it’s hard putting toothpaste on with only hand, think of how tough it would be with no hands."
Buffy said something that Willow couldn’t make out and then ordered the injured teen down to breakfast and her medication. Dawn agreed and lowered her voice but Willow still heard her ask the slayer if she could call Tara first.
The rest of the conversation evaporated as the slayer whispered a quick 'later' and sent the teen on her way while she tended to the mess in the bathroom.
Willow sighed again turned her thoughts to her dream. There was no need to try an analyze it or figure out the symbolism, it stated it’s meaning loud and clear. Willow wanted Tara, she wanted her in every way but she couldn’t have her. Willow had replaced Tara with what Rack gave her. She desperately wanted to be able to blame Rack. To be able to say that she lost Tara because of him, but she knew it wasn’t true.
Willow lost Tara because of Willow. Hell, Willow had even lost Willow because of Willow. At least, that’s how it felt. Who was this person she had become? Look at what she had done; she hurt Tara again and again and then finally drove her away, she had pulled Buffy out of heaven ... and Dawnie, Willow didn’t even want to think about what happened, or what could have.
And there was always her interaction with Rack. She couldn't even begin to deal with the feelings and emotions that brought up, so she buried them. Plus, Willow didn't think that she deserved any pity, not from anyone, not even herself.
Overall, she was lucky. She didn’t feel very lucky, but she knew she was. At least she was for the moment. Despite alienating her friends, hurting Dawn, and the withdrawal from the magic… she knew she was lucky. As soon as Dawn called Tara and told her what happened, the rest of her miserable life was going to seem like paradise. A wonderful island paradise with nothing but sunshiny beaches, tropical dancing, and island goodness.
With hurricane Tara on the horizon.
She had hurt Dawn. And Willow knew how important Dawn was to Tara, how much she loved and cared for the teen. Tara was like a surrogate mother to Dawn and Willow knew she was about to be introduced to TaraWrath.
But it wasn’t so much that Tara was going to be angry with her, furious really, but Willow knew that this was yet something else she did to drive Tara even further away. Well, on a positive note if the blonde wanted to yell at her it would at least give them a reason to be in the same room together for more then just 40 awkward seconds.
"Great, something to look forward to." Willow mumbled to herself before reaching down to throw back the covers. The redhead had just sat up and dropped her thin legs over the side of the bed when there was a tentative knock on her door. "Come on in Buffy."
The door opened and a blonde head poked in. It wasn't the blonde that Willow wanted the most, but she was kind of glad to see Buffy. She was probably the only person still talking to her, even if their relationship was more then strained at the moment.
"Did we wake you?" the slayer asked as she leaned against the doorway.
"Not really." Said Willow as she pulled her legs up under her. "How's Dawn doing?"
"She said she's kind of achy, but doing okay."
Willow nodded and an awkward silence fell between them before Buffy finally spoke, "So, um, how did last night go for you? You know, with the uh, you know."
What the slayer really meant, the redhead knew, was that she wanted to know if she did any more magic last night.
Willow sighed, "It was hard, but I stuck with it. You know, ResolveWillow in the house." The answer was followed with a weak smile and Buffy just nodded.
The redhead ran her hands over her tired eyes, last night had been intensely difficult. Her head throbbed, her stomach ached, and she had to fight to control her breathing, which became more difficult the longer she went without. She was hot, then cold, then her whole body was numb, and the urge to do magic felt almost as essential as breathing.
The only way she managed not to cast was to curl herself into a ball and rock herself back and forth while she repeated her new mantras over and over. The most poignant was, "The magic or Tara," it was the one she fell back on every time she felt her resolve slipping. Some of the others included, "I have to show Tara," "Dawnie almost died," and "I can do this."
Another awkward silence fell only to once again be broken by the slayer, "Dawn wants to call Tara. It's all she talked about at the hospital and it was the first thing she asked me when she woke up this morning."
Willow nodded, "Do you want me to get out of here for a while? It'll probably make it easier for Tara if she knows I'm not here. Dawnie too."
"That's not what I meant, Will." Said Buffy. "I know you're going through something rough right now, something I doubt I could understand. It's just that right now, you look kind of… frayed… singed actually. And if Tara coming here is going to make things more difficult … well, I'll just take Dawn over to see her."
"No. Dawn's life has been disrupted enough because of me. She should be able to have friends over without worrying about me. But you know, it doesn't even matter because I have class in like an hour anyway, and two more after that, and then I'll be late because I have a lot of work to catch up with. And Tara only has one class today, and that's in the afternoon so… Dawn could have Tara over and I won’t be here anyway, and Tara will be gone by time I get back so she won't have to worry either and why are you looking at me like that?"
Buffy smiled, "You're babbling."
"Was I?" Willow asked sheepishly.
"Uh huh." Said the slayer, "You haven't done that in a while. I'm glad to hear you do it, it's very Willow. Oh and look, blushage, definitely a Willow thing."
Willow smiled, really smiled for the first time in what felt like years. "Thanks Buffy."
Buffy stepped over to her friend and set her hand on her shoulder, "It's nice to have you back. The real Willow I mean. I missed her… I missed you."
Willow reached up and touched the hand on her shoulder. "I missed you… and the old Willow too."
-More later today. Peace ... Dix-
Mucho gracias Kitties.
Hope you enjoy the next part.
Part 3
"Hey Willow."
Willow Rosenberg looked up to see who was talking to her. She was sitting at one of the outside tables on the campus lawn and she had to shade her eyes from the sun so she could make out the silhouetted figure standing above her.
"Oh, hey Angie." Said Willow. She knew Angie Parker through Tara. Angie and Tara became friends after they were assigned as lab buddies for a natural science class, but her and Willow were merely acquaintances.
"Where's Tara today?" Asked Angie. "I can't seem to find her anywhere."
The question hit Willow in the stomach like a fist. Two weeks ago she would have known exactly where the blonde was. In fact, she probably would have been sitting at the table with her. But today…
"Uh, I'm not sure where she's, um at."
"Aw, darn it." Complained Angie, "Hey could you do me favor?" She pulled her bag off her shoulder, opened it, and pulled out a folder that she handed to Willow. "Could you give this to Tara? She left it in class yesterday."
"Um, I don't really-"
"Thanks Willow," said Angie. "Oh, I am so late, I have to go. Say hi to Tara for me."
And with that, she was gone.
Willow sighed and looked down at the plain manila folder in her hands. She refused to give in and open it. But she did wonder where her former lover was, her only class of the afternoon should have been over an hour ago.
"Whatever is in here is Tara's. It's her business. You don't have the right anymore." Willow said to herself. She realized she was talking to herself and decided to move the folder out of temptation. She pulled her bag open and went to slide the folder into it when something fell out of it.
Willow set the folder down and picked up the paper. She intended on picking it up and sliding it directly back into the folder, but the shape of the wording on the page made her stop and look at it. It was a poem.
Tara liked poetry, she even wrote it sometimes, but they were mostly about nature, magic, the correlation between the two, and sometimes love poems. But the poem in her hand was nothing like what Tara wrote, it wasn't even hand written. It was printed out and some of the verses where highlighted. Well, not highlighted with a yellow marker but highlighted the way Tara often marked things that she thought were important.
The blonde would put a little star or shape next to the first word and another one at the last, so she would know that it was of importance. Willow asked her once why she didn't just use highlighter or markers or something similar. And Tara told that while she did have highlighters, she could just never find them in her bag. So the blonde woman would just use her pen or pencil to make little marks. And the poem in front of her had several marks next to a couple of verses, they were the ones that Willow read.
there is a you
i remember
that many today
may not see
there is a you
that i will love
because love remains love
There were several more verses that weren't highlighted so Willow skipped over them until she came to the next verse that Tara had marked.
i accepted on faith
the promises of change
to better days
and then watched
you increase
your consumption
of alcohol
drowning
all our hopes and dreams
Willow felt sick when she saw that the word alcohol was crossed out and in Tara's handwriting was the word 'magic.' The redhead had to take several deep breaths before she could move on to the next set of marked words.
while you put into question
the sanity of MY demeanor
acting as if
nothing was wrong
that i was
over-wrought
and
over-reacting
to imagined realities
you didn’t see
till my spirit
felt like
it was going
to shatter
into irreparable pieces
as you questioned
the sanity
of my responses to you
I kept
asking myself
How did we get here?
How do we get out?
Willow wanted to cry. No, Willow was crying. What had she done? How could she have put Tara through that? She couldn't even imagine what her ex-girlfriend was going through. Willow quickly took several more deep breaths to try and get her emotions back under control. She grabbed her bottle of water and took a long, slow drink.
She looked back at the poem in her hand. It was written by someone named Dalene Entenmann. Willow didn't know who the woman was, or where Tara had gotten the poem but she knew that she had to see her ex-girlfriend immediately. She had to apologize, even if Tara wouldn't forgive her. She had to tell Tara that she didn't mean it, any of it. She had to tell her that she loved her … but most importantly, she had to tell her that she was sorry.
Willow took a breath and folded the paper. It was then that she noticed that the poem was actually a letter. Well, not a letter, but it was one of those things you get in the mail that are nothing more then a folded piece of paper with your address and a stamp on it. Not even an envelope, just a piece of paper.
The address on the back of the poem made Willow do a double take. She had thought that Tara had moved back into the dorms. But the address wasn't a dorm address. It was a house and street number. Well, if she wanted to talk to Tara, she knew where to find her. And she did want to talk to Tara.
Willow stuffed everything into her bag, including Tara's folder and started off towards the address that was only a couple of streets away. She walked slowly, giving herself time to think. But not about what she was going to say to Tara, about the poem.
Her mind settled on the word alcohol that Tara had crossed out and changed to magic. Was that what she was? An alcoholic of magic. A magicholic? What were the words she said to Buffy not even twenty-four hours ago, "I can't stop, I need help?" Weren't these the words that an alcoholic might say? Well, one who was trying to recover.
Willow stopped suddenly almost causing the guy behind her to ram into her. She mumbled a sorry and then started digging through her pack. She pulled the poem back out and flipped it over so that she was looking at the side that had the address on it. Her eyes moved up to the left hand corner and she read the return address.
Al-Anon.
-More later 2night. Peace ... Dix-
Snuggles???
Hmm?
Perhaps I could arrange something of a snuggley nature. But not 2nite, I gotta hot date. Here's the next part in the meantime though.
The rest will be finished ... ? ... Well, I guess that depends on how my date goes. Enjoy!
PART 4
After a detour, Willow was once again on her way back to Tara's new place. The words 'Tara's new place' were three words that she had said aloud only once and she thought she was going to be sick. Saying them aloud made them sound more … more real, more permanent, just more.
Willow stopped in front in front of a giant, 3-story house. It looked like it had been around for quite a while and was almost Victorian in appearance. There was a small, grassy, front yard that led up to a large brick porch. There were a couple of girls sitting on the wall that surrounded the porch and they were smoking cigarettes. A couple of the lights were on in the house so Willow made her approach.
She walked up the steps and onto the porch. She tossed a little wave the smoking girls and went to knock on the door.
"Who are you looking for?" one of them asked. The black haired one.
Willow turned to face them, "Um, Tara. Tara Maclay. Does she live here?"
The other smoker smirked and nodded, "Yeah, Venus lives here."
The black haired smoker elbowed her friend slightly, and spoke, "Go ahead in and follow the stairs all the way to the top. There's three doors up there, Tara's room is the one furthest to the right."
Willow eyed them a moment, "Right, thanks."
The smoking girls grinned and nodded and Willow turned the doorknob and stepped inside. The redhead decided to think about the 'Venus' remark later and she closed the door behind her and turned to take in her surroundings. She was in a small foyer that continued into a long hallway that led straight into what she guessed was the kitchen. A swinging door blocked her view of what was behind it though. The stairs that the girls told her to follow were also a part of the hallway.
There were two large archways on either side of the foyer. The one on the right led to an impressive living room with several settees and comfortable looking chairs. There were expensive looking rugs on the floor and hanging paintings that looked extremely valuable. There was also a grand piano in the far corner complete with a golden candelabra on top. And as if that wasn't enough, there was a massive stone fireplace in the back wall.
Willow closed her eyes and took a deep breath. She was hallucinating, she had to be. As soon as she opened her eyes she would be back in Sunnydale and out of Bel Air. She opened her eyes but nothing had changed. The impressive living room was exactly the same as it had been a moment ago. Willow sighed and turned her head to the left to take in the dining room. Which of course was just as luxurious as the living room.
The redhead looked on in awe and confusion. There was no way that Tara would be able to afford to live in a place like this. Not even if the rent, utilities, and expenses were split like 20 ways. The elegant, wooden dining set looked like it cost a years tuition alone. Willow just shook her head in confusion and started up the stairs.
One minute and two tired legs later Willow was on the top floor. The nervousness she had been avoiding caught up to her in full force and she looked down to discover that her hands were shaking. From somewhere deep inside she pulled on a reservoir of courage and made her way to the door farthest to the right.
She took a breath and then forced her shaking hand to knock against the wood. She knocked and waited. And then… nothing. There was no answer.
Willow sighed. Should she go, should she wait, should she not be there in the first place? The redhead figured that the fates were trying to tell her something so she decided to slip Tara's folder under her door. She might need it, it could contain important papers or something.
Willow took the folder out of her bag and tried to slip it under the door. It didn't fit.
"Of course it doesn't fit. It fitting would mean that at least one thing went right for me today and we can't have that now can we?" Willow complained to herself. Or at least she thought.
"Are you looking for Tara?" came a voice from behind her.
"Gaaahhh!" screamed the redhead as she jumped up and spun around as she clutched the folder to her chest.
The other woman jumped in response and then started to giggle, "Sorry. Didn't mean to scare you or anything."
Willow put a hand over her rapidly beating heart, "That's okay. I don't feel my day is complete with out one near heart attack anyway."
The other woman, Willow thought she looked European spoke again. "You looking for Tara?"
"Oh, uh yeah." Said Willow and held up the folder. "Tara left this in one of her classes and a friend found it and asked me to give it to her. But she's not here and it won't fit under the door. You wouldn't happen to know when she'll back do you?"
"Sorry, Venus is always coming and going. Oh, I'm Mia by the way."
"Nice to meet you, I'm Willow. Hey, what's up with the Venus thing anyway?"
"Huh, oh that." Mia laughed lightly. "Nikki gave her that nickname. Tara's all into planets, the Earth, art, and nature, and all that stuff. And Noah, Nikki's brother, he almost swallowed his tongue when he saw her. I mean, No is like this big, manly stud guy who's Mister Cool all of the time. But when he saw Tara, he went completely brain dead."
Willow's brow furrowed and she disliked this Noah, stud man instantly. She wouldn't acknowledge the jealousy she felt because she knew she had lost that privilege. She shouldn't have any feelings towards Noah, but she felt she could give herself this one allowance. After all, she probably wouldn't have liked him anyway. Even if he hadn't hit on her Tara. No, Tara.
"So Tara shoots him down, in the absolute politest way to ever shoot someone down too. I've never seen anything like it."
HA! And YES! Take that Mister, Cool stud man with the Bible name.
"Anyway," continued Mia. "As soon as the blood starts flowing back to Noah's brain, Nikki is all over him, teasing him about it. We all were. After all, it's not everyday the self declared stud muffin of Sunnydale makes a huge ass out of himself."
"I'm still not seeing the connection to Venus here."
"Oh yeah, kind of the point of the story in the first place. So we're all teasing Noah about falling flat and he says he can't help it. She's so beautiful, she's a goddess, and that he's in love." Finished Mia. "Nikki's all into Grecian and Roman stuff so… Tara has been known as Venus since that night."
"I'm with you on that one Noah, I still don't like you, but I'm with you." Willow mumbled under her breath.
"I'm sorry?"
"Huh, oh, I, uh… cute story. Do you think Ven- er, Tara will be back soon?"
The pager attached to Mia's belt went off forestalling an answer, "Crap, I'm late. I don't have the foggiest as to when Tara will be back. Just go set the folder on her bed or something. She never locks her door anyway. It was nice meeting you. I'll see you around." Said Mia and she started down the stairs.
"Nice meeting you too, and thanks." Said Willow to the retreating woman.
"Oh, you might want to try the roof." Mia called from the bottom of the stairs. "It's the first door. She goes up there sometimes. See ya."
"Bye."
Mia was gone and it left Willow standing alone outside of Tara's room. Should she go in? Should she go to the roof? Should she just set the folder on the bed and leave or, if Tara really was around, should she seek her out.
"I'll do both," Willow said with confidence she didn't feel and she grabbed the knob. "I'll just go in, set the folder on the bed and holy moley…"
Willow stood in the doorway looking into Tara's new room. She was unable to move, she had to be in shock, or someone was playing some kind of a joke on her. Tara's new room was almost twice the size as the one they had shared at the Summer's home, and everything in it was expensive and very state of the art.
The walls were a pure white with splashes of black across them. In the corner was a queen-sized waterbed with silk or satin sheets, Willow wasn't sure. A small ivory sofa sat in front of an ebony entertainment center that was directly across from the bed. The entertainment center held a very large TV, stereo system, and several other electronic devices that the redhead couldn't even identify.
Next to the entertainment center were two large glass doors that Willow could see led out to a small balcony. The balcony held several plants and a couple of potted flowers were hanging from the thick railing.
On the other side of the balcony doorway was an equipped desk with a computer system that made Willow want to drool. It had everything and then some. The hacker had dreamed of owning such a system but it was far out of her price range. It was so far away from her price range that she couldn't even see her price range from where the cost of the deluxe computer sat.
Willow looked around the rest of the room, there was a shiny black dresser, a vanity, and a closed door she assumed was a closet. A tall lava lamp sat in the corner and Willow noticed that it was what was lighting the room. Dimly, but plenty of light to guide by. The redhead stepped into the room and she felt herself sink into the plush carpet.
"This is too weird. I'll just put the folder on the bed and get the frilly heck out of here." She said to herself.
So she did, she took several quick steps over to the bed, put down the folder, turned, and hurried back out into the hallway. She couldn't wait to hear the explanation about Tara's new accommodations.
Willow walked over to the first door, the one at the top of the stairs and opened it. She took a breath, squared her shoulders, and walked up the steps. The door that led to the roof was thicker and heavier then the regular house doors, but it opened easy enough.
The first thing that caught her attention when she pushed open the large door was a small reflecting pool. The pool was at the far end of the roof and it was surrounded by vegetation and small trees. If she didn't know better, Willow would have sworn she was in a park. There were two benches that she could see and at least one picnic table set.
Willow stepped down the two of steps and onto the gravel surface. She took a couple of steps forward looking around but she couldn't detect Tara near the 'small park' so she turned to look at the other end of the roof. But her view was blocked by a large greenhouse.
Puzzled, "Why would anyone need a greenhouse in Sunnydale?" she asked herself aloud.
"To grow hybrids." Came a voice from behind her. "Nicole wants to be a botanist, among other things."
Willow would recognize the voice anywhere and she spun around so hastily that she almost fell. She regained her balance quickly and looked into the familiar blue eyes.
"Tara."
-More soon. Have a good weekend. PEACE ... Dix-
Sorry about the delay Kittnes ... my 'hot' date was upgraded to 'extra flamey.' *tries unsuccessfully to wipe huge grin off face*
Getting out of bed is a hard thing to do when there is a hot blonde in it. It's a wonder we ever see Willow at all.
Anywho, on2 the story. This part is turning out to be a lot larger then I an expected so I'm breaking it down.
Glad you like it, thanks, and enjoy...
PART 5.1
"Tara."
Willow greedily drank in the sight of her ex-girlfriend. It felt like she hadn't seen her in months. But then again, how long had it been since she'd seen Tara? Really seen her anyway? Seen her without the presence of dark magic or misguiding thoughts clouding her vision? Too long she decided.
"What are you doing here Will?" asked the blonde.
Tara's tone was completely even and her beautiful blue eyes revealed nothing. There was no emotion at all. If she was angry about Dawn, she didn't show it. This was something new, Tara was the most emotionally expressive person Willow had ever met. She could always tell how the blonde was feeling just by looking into her eyes. But not anymore. Tara was a blank page.
"Doing here?" Willow repeated. "Oh, well, you see… there was this folder, and then you live in this great big, old, giant house. But not a bad old, a good old. You know, like wine and stuff, classical old. Not like liver spot and diaper old or any-"
Tara cleared her throat, interrupting the redheads babble.
"Oh, right. You want the Reader's Digest version." Said Willow. "Okay, I can do condensed. Here goes; you left your folder in class and Angie asked me to give it to you. And I didn't mean to look, but it fell out and there was this poem and I had to see you to tell you that I'm sorry and that I love you." Willow finished in a nervous rush.
Tara sighed and ran a hand across her forehead, "Will-"
"I know, I know." Interrupted Willow, "But, let me anyway… please?"
There was a long pause while Tara seemed to debate it. After a few moments of fighting an internal battle she looked up shook her head 'no.'
"I-I can't. I can't do this again Willow. You s-shouldn't be here." Tara turned around and started to walk away and in a shaky voice, spoke, "I-I think you should g-go."
"Tara, please?" Willow begged, desperate. "It's different now."
The blonde stopped but didn't turn around, "D-different how?"
Willow took a few steps closer but didn't close in, "I know what I did … and I know what I am."
Tara turned around but her eyes couldn't meet those of her former lovers, "What are you?"
"I'm an alcoholic."
"What?" Tara looked up, clearly confused.
Willow looked confused that Tara was confused, "Huh? Oh! I don't mean… I mean, I'm an… I'm an alcoholic of magic. A magicholic, I guess."
The comment seemed to stymie the blonde for a moment and Willow held her breath. Tara wasn't saying anything, but at least she wasn't leaving either. It felt like an eternity before the blonde witch moved, and when she finally did, it was her eyes that moved to find those of her former lovers.
Tara was looking hard into her eyes, and Willow knew her ex-girlfriend was searching for what she used to find there. For what was there before the magic, before Rack, before the lies, and the broken promises. She was looking for Willow.
Willow knew that she felt like herself again, but she didn’t know if Tara would see that, so she decided to try and help her find what she was looking for.
"It's different now … I'm different now."
Willow could tell that Tara wanted to believe her, she could see it in the blondes blue eyes. But she could also see that she was hurt, and was afraid to take that chance again.
"I was deceitful, manipulative, I lied, I put everyone in danger, I hurt Dawn and … and you … Oh, Tara I put you through so much."
Tears had begun rolling down the redheads cheeks and Willow closed her eyes. Not against the tears, but against the hurt she saw in Tara's eyes as she relieved the moments she was talking about.
Eyes closed, she continued. "I can never take those things back, I can never undo them. I would if I could, but I can't. I can say I'm sorry but I can't really apologize. The words don't exist for me to tell you how sorry I am." Willow took a deep breath and then continued. "I can't apologize … but I can change … I just hope that you'll give me the chance to … I don't want to live without you in my life Tara. I don't know if I even could."
At the silence, Willow opened her eyes and locked gazes with her ex-girlfriend. The blondes bottom lip trembled and tears spilled down her cheeks. Willow held her breath, she didn't know if the tears meant she would get another chance or if they were because she wouldn't. An eternity seemed to pass before Tara finally spoke.
The blonde took in a deep breath and squared her shoulders. Willow wanted to say more, so much more, but she knew it wouldn't matter. The decision was made. Tara had made her decision … Willow just had to wait until she spoke to find out what it was.
"No more magic." Tara said finally. "No more magic or spells. No more lying, no more Amy, and no more chances, Willow. I can't … I won't do this again."
There was a sadness and a certain finality in the blondes voice. There was hurt there, but there was also love. A love that she wanted to hold on to, but one that she was afraid to trust again.
She was flying. Willow Rosenberg was beyond joy and she felt like she was worth something again. A fresh wave of tears rolled down her cheeks, only this time they were tears of pure happiness. Despite the strife and hardships she knew were ahead … her life was good. She had reason again.
Suddenly, it came to a screeching halt as a thought hit her, and she began to sob. And then there were familiar arms around her, holding her and comforting her. Willow let herself remain in the embrace for a moment before pulling away.
"Tara, I can't," sobbed the redhead as she stepped back. "I'm gonna mess up again. I know I am. I don't want to … but no matter how hard I try … I know I'm gonna slip up again. I know I am. Josie even told me I would."
With her back to Tara, Willow held her face in her hands, sobbing. Once again there was a familiar touch. Tara's hands were on her shoulders, turning her around to face her. The former lovers were now standing face to face.
"Who's Josie?" Tara asked quietly.
Willow brought her hands up and wiped futilely at the tears streaming down her face. "She, um, she's runs the campus AA and NA center. I didn't think that there would be a group called Magic Anonymous. But I thought that an addiction is an addiction right? And I needed and wanted help so I figured that the center was the best place to go. And-"
A finger on her lips stopped her explanation and Willow looked up at her slightly taller ex-lover with sad eyes.
"I know who Josie is." Explained the blonde softly, simply.
Willow was bemused, "But I… how… why did you… Tara?"
The blonde witch pulled the confused redhead over to nearby bench sat them down. "Josie also runs the Al-Anon center. After I l-left, I saw what was happening with you and what it did to us … I w-wanted to know what to do. For you … and us. Josie told me that there was nothing I could do except wait. I h-had to wait for you to see the problem and want to fix it. She said that if you did … i-if you really wanted to change, to get help… She said that we had a real chance of getting back to where we used to be. To things being good again."
"I do Tara, I really, really do. More then anything." Willow said earnestly. "But what about when I slip up? Josie said I probably would, and you said no more chances and I don't want to ruin it again."
"Josie told me about the slip ups too. I know you might stumble occasionally Willow, and that's-that's okay. As long as you keep working at it and keep trying … I'll be here." Tara took Willow's chin in her hand and looked deep into her eyes, "If you give up … if you stop caring … I won't be able to help you. And I-I won't be able to be here for you. It h-hurts too much."
Willow tried to swallow the lump in her throat, to say something, to say anything. But she couldn't. All she could do was nod as the tears continued to fall down her cheeks. She wanted to reach out to Tara, but uncertainty made her hold back. Her ex-girlfriend saw her hesitation and closed the space on the bench between them and pulled Willow into a hug.
Willow held on to the blonde witch for dear life and buried her face in Tara's neck. Tara held her former lover in her arms and ran her hands up and down the lithe redheads back and spoke softly.
"I love you Willow, I always will. I want us to be together, but it's going to take some work and some time to get back there."
The redhead nodded and pulled away slowly, "I know."
The two women sat together a moment, each just enjoying the feel of being in each others company again. It was Willow who finally broke the silence.
"Tara," she started. "I can't tell you how grateful I am. And not just for the second, or third, or whatever chance this is. For everything … for everything that is you. You are everything that is good in my life and," Willow swallowed hard and took a steadying breath, "I love you."
Tara stood, then leaned down and kissed her ex-girlfriend on the forehead. "I love you too Willow … always." She moved back and grabbed the redheads hand and pulled her to her feet. "Come on."
Willow allowed the blonde to pull her up, "Where are we going?"
"To eat and then to bed." Said Tara as she led the redhead towards the stairs. "You look exhausted and you've lost weight."
Willow was relishing the feel of her hand in Tara's and almost missed what the witch had said, "Huh? What- oh. Tara I'm really not that hung-" The blonde shot her a look, "On second thought, I think I am kind of hungry. Maybe famished even."
-Part 5.2 & some snuggle goodness soon. PEACE ... Dix-
I really did not mean for this story to end up being so long. It just keeps growing.
Here's the other half of Part 5. Enjoy!
PART 5.2
After dropping her bag off in the Tara's room, Willow obediently followed her former lover down to the kitchen, which was as luxurious and impressive as the rest of the house, and she sat at the counter while the blonde went about finding something to eat.
"Tara?"
"Hmm?" answered the witch as she pulled some Chinese takeout containers from the refrigerator.
"Um, not to not be minding my own business and minding yours… but I, um… What's up with this place?" asked Willow awkwardly.
"What do you mean?" asked Tara as she piled some rice and vegetables onto a plate.
"This house? I kinda feel like Robin Leach might walk through door at any moment while a man in a smoking jacket gives him a tour." Answered Willow.
"Oh that," replied Tara as she put the plate into the microwave and pressed a few buttons. "Nicole has to keep the place looking nice for clients and stuff."
Willow waited, thinking there would be more of an explanation. And when there wasn't she asked, "That's it? I mean, Tara, how can you afford a place like this?"
"Oh, Nicole gave me a job." Replied the blonde absently, her attention on pouring two glasses of iced tea.
"A job?" the redhead parroted. "What kind of job? I mean, if you don't mind me not minding my own business."
Tara placed the now hot food in front of her ex-girlfriend, "Of course I don't mind. Here," she handed Willow a fork, "Eat it before it gets cold, but be careful it's hot."
Willow hadn't thought that she was hungry, but the sight and smell of the food in front of her made her mouth water and she dug into it vigorously.
The redhead took several more bites and then looked up, "The job." She minded around a mouthful of rice.
"Job? Oh, Nicole runs a modeling and escort service. I don't really care for the work but the pay is really good." Tara glanced up the clock, "Oh, Willow, I don't want to rush you but could you eat a little faster? My eight o'clock is going to be here soon and I have to get ready."
Willow nearly choked on her food. She swallowed it forcefully and nearly yelled, "Your what?"
"I have an eight o'clock appointment." Tara answered calmly. "I work as an escort three nights a week and I model every other weekend."
Willow's eyes bulged and she sat looking at Tara as she pointed a finger at her. Her mouth was moving but nothing was coming out. She stayed that way for several moments before she finally managed a strangled, "What?"
Tara's lips twitched and a slow smile spread across her lips, "Gotcha."
Now Willow was twice as confused, "You got-" And she went from confusion to realization.
Tara covered her mouth with both hands and started laughing.
Willow just nodded as she picked up her fork, "Oh yeah, that's funny. That's real, real funny. The whole, you working for Heidi Fleiss joke… Oh, that's a good one all right." Willow said dryly. "Tell me, are you appearing here regularly Miss Maclay or is this a one time stint?"
Tara kept laughing, "I'm sorry, I'm-I'm sorry. I-I couldn't resist."
Willow pointedly ignored the laughing blonde and sat eating her food, in an oppressive sort of way.
It took several minutes, but eventually, the blondes mirth ceased. She approached the almost finished Willow and set a glass of iced tea in front of her. "Truce?"
The redhead picked up the glass and sipped it slowly as she appeared to debate it. "Aw, come on. I said I was sorry." Said Tara as she gave her ex-girlfriend her best puppy-dog face.
Willow set down her glass, yawned, and then spoke, "I am only forgiving you because I deserved it. And because you know I can't refuse you when you do your puppy-dog face … but no more TaraPranks or the truce is off."
Tara took the empty plate and set in the sink, "Deal, now come on. You need some sleep."
"Um Tara," Willow asked anxiously. "Where will I be um, sleeping, exactly?"
"You can have my bed, or the bed in my room anyway. I've been sleeping on the couch up there. I can't sleep on that gel-bed, it makes some really rude noises."
"Tara, you don't have to do this." Said Willow, even as she followed the blonde out of the kitchen and up the steps. "I can call a cab, or Xander or something."
Tara stopped on the second floor and turned around to face her former lover, "I'm okay with this… but if you'd be more comfortable at home I can-"
"What, are you kidding?" interrupted Willow. "Of course I'd rather stay here with you … I just, I don't want you to do anything that would make you uncomfortable … you know, out of obligation or anything."
"Willow, you are never an obligation to me. Got it?"
Willow nodded and smiled, "Got it." She said softly.
"Good," Tara pointed to a door, "That's the bathroom. Do you want to get a shower or something? And you have to brush your teeth after eating that Chinese food, you know what'll happen if you don't."
"Dragon breath." Willow said solemnly.
"Definitely." Agreed Tara. "Are you going to take a shower?"
"You know, the way you keep asking me that, it doesn't really sound like a question at all." Said Willow as she followed Tara to the bathroom.
Tara shot her a smile and pulled a large towel out of a cupboard and handed it to the redhead, "You'll feel better after a shower. My bathrobe is behind the door and you can just use my toothbrush, it's in the cabinet above the sink. I'll be in my room, so just come up after your finished. I'll get you something to sleep in and call Buffy to let her know where you are."
"Okay." Said Willow as Tara exited the bathroom and pulled the door shut behind her.
It took Willow several minutes to figure out how to work the elaborate shower controls, but she finally adjusted the water temperature to her liking and she settled into her shower. Willow let the hot water stream over her face, the blonde was right, the shower did feel really good. She felt really good. For the moment anyway.
The former witch could feel the tingling that sat just under skin beginning to start. It was the same way it had started last night too. It was her mind and her body telling her that it missed the usual feeling of magic flowing through her. Her fingers would start twitching, anxious to aim, and to feel the power surge through them.
The longer she denied her mind and body the magic, the more upset with her it became. Her head would pound, her chest would tighten, and her stomach would clench so tightly that she would double over in pain.
At times it felt like the magic was swirling all around her, coaxing her to let it in. It would whisper soft words of seduction in her ears. It told her that all she had to do to make it stop hurting … was to just open up and let it in. The magic would make everything better. It would make the pain stop … it would make everything feel good … it would make her special and strong. It could make her free.
Willow squeezed her eyes closed tightly and started humming loudly to try and fight the loud whispers of the magic. But it didn't work, it seemed to be calling to her … calling from inside of her. It always came when it knew she was alone. It told her that there was no escape, she couldn't get away, she couldn't hide.
It would always find her.
-More Later. PEACE ... Dix-
For you, dear kittens...
PART 6
It would always find her.
"No!" screamed Willow, the shower walls seemed to be closing in around her from all sides. She pushed open the sliding door and jumped out of the shower stall.
Willow was hunched over sucking down deep breath after deep breath even as the magic continued whispering to her from the inside out. With shaking hands, she reached for the bathrobe and slid it onto her shivering frame.
The familiar smell of her beloved washed over her and the whispers of the magic calling to her seemed to fade. Thoughts of Tara pushed them away. It was Tara, not the magic, that would always find her.
"Willow? Willow are you okay?"
A soft voice was starting to penetrate through the fading fog, through the dying whispers of the magic. No, the voice was pushing away the fog and the malevolent whispering.
And then they were gone. The fog lifted and the whispering was silenced. Willow felt warm hands on her face and she knew… Tara had found her. Tara pushed away the whispering and the hazy lines of reality, while she pulled Willow in.
"Willow?" Tara asked worriedly. "Willow please talk to me."
Willow snapped out of her haze with a jerk and she found herself looking into troubled blue eyes.
"Willow?"
The redhead promptly burst into tears and huddled within the blondes arms. "It won't stop Tara. It's always after me. It just keeps coming and coming. Every time I'm alone… it comes after me … and it's so strong…"
Willow continued to cry in Tara's protective embrace. The magic couldn't touch her there, Tara was too strong for it … Tara's power, Tara's love. Tara knew what it was, and she knew how to defeat it.
The blonde just held her shaken and worn ex-lover and whispered soft words of understanding and comfort while the redhead fought to regain control.
It was some time before Willow finally stopped crying and trembling in her ex-girlfriends arms. She felt a gentle kiss placed on her forehead and she looked up into soft, blue eyes of understanding. Tara ran her fingers over the now dry tears streaks on a soft cheek and then cupped Willow's chin. It was a silent question and the redhead nodded in response.
Tara placed another kiss on her forehead, "I love you."
Willow momentary tightened her arms around the blonde, "I love you too."
Tara stood, pulling Willow up with her. The blonde reached into the cabinet and took out her toothbrush. She added toothpaste to the bristles and handed the brush to the redhead.
Willow accepted the brush and began to clean her teeth with one hand, the other was still tightly clutching Tara's pajama shirt. It was then that Willow noticed that Tara was ready for bed. The former witch refused to let go even for a second and Tara seemed perfectly content with letting her ex-girlfriend hang onto her.
Tara gathered Willow's clothes and shoes while the redhead finished brushing her teeth, still clutching her shirt. The two women made their way up to Tara's room, where the blonde finally managed to convince Willow that she would be okay, and pried her fingers from her top.
Willow followed Tara around the room wherever she went, the redhead was never more then a foot away from her former lover at any moment. Even after almost tripping over the redhead several times, Tara still didn't seem to mind Willow shadowing her.
With Willow close behind, Tara made her way over to the closet in the large bedroom. The blonde witch opened the door and the ever curious Willow peeked in from behind her.
"Tara?" she asked when she took in the sight of the large closet.
Besides a few skirts, shirts, a Tara's red leather coat, all of the blonde's things were still in boxes. It looked like she had unpacked only what was necessary. At least, that's how it appeared until Willow's eyes fell on the door.
On the inside of the closet door was a full length mirror … and it was almost completely covered with pictures. Pictures of them together. And Willow was once again reminded of what she had lost.
Tara saw the her ex-girlfriends eyes sadden and she pulled her into a hug, "Oh, please don't do that Will. It's okay. We'll get back there."
Willow nodded, and pulled away. "I know."
"Here," Tara reached into a box and pulled out a pair of underwear and boxers and grabbed one of the hanging t-shirts. "These will fit."
"You're not going to leave are you?" Willow asked anxiously as Tara stepped away.
"You can change over here, I'm just going to go and brush my hair." Tara answered calmly.
Five minutes later, both women were dressed for bed and Willow was once again tailing her former lover around the room. She followed Tara over to the sofa and looked on curiously as the blonde gathered up her pillows and blanket.
"Um, Tara? What are you doing?"
"Well, I don't think two people can fit on the couch."
"You mean you'll sleep with me?" Willow asked excitedly and then realized how the question sounded. "I mean together. We'll sleep together, together in the bed together. Not together-together, like you know, together. I mean together like-"
"Will, breathe." Interrupted a smiling Tara. "It's okay, I know what you meant." Willow took a breath and smiled sheepishly. "Good, now let's get some sleep."
A minute later the former lovers were laying side by side on the bed, they were as close together as they could be without actually touching. Willow was still uncertain about things between them and Tara was still afraid of getting hurt again.
Needing to fill the awkwardness, Willow spoke up. "You never told me about this place. The real reason I mean."
"Huh, oh. Well, Nicole's dad is like this zillionaire, who owns like ten companies. This is, or was, his house. It was until he moved his business to Japan or someplace, anyway. Nicole didn't want to leave her school and friends, and stuff. So, being a zillionaire, her dad gave her the house and still pays all of the bills for the place." Explained Tara.
"Well, why are the other people living here, and you? Are they the zillionaire's kids too or something?"
"No, well, Noah is, that's Nicole's brother, he lives here too. Nicole's dad didn't want her living completely alone, especially in Sunnydale, so they agreed that roommates would be the best solution. There are no guys allowed and no bad influencey girls either."
"Really?" Willow asked curiously.
"Mm hmm. Why?"
The redhead shrugged, "I don't know, it just sounds kind of weird. Are you sure that this zillionaire guy isn't really a demon or something? And maybe he, you know, uses the whole roommate cover to lure kids here and then he … um … I'm not sure what he does, but you know it's probably something all evil and hellmouthy like."
"I don't think he's doing that." Said Tara reasonably.
"Well … maybe not." Relented the former witch, "But maybe we should have Buffy look into it. You know, just in case."
"Willow, everything is fine." Tara said patiently. "I am sure that nothing hellmouthy is going on."
The redhead sighed, "Fine, there is no evil zillionaire. But I'm only believing that because you're sure. You are sure right?"
"Yes, Willow. I'm sure."
"Okay." A moment of silence elapsed and the redhead spoke again. "Tara, if you get to live in a non-evil mansion with no demon zillionaire lurking around … why, I mean, how come all of your stuff is still packed up in the closet?"
"Oh, I'm just staying here until a dorm opens up. I mean, this is a really great place, and it's all like free and stuff … but it's not … you know, it's not really me."
"It could be you. You could be like, super cool college girl. I mean, with a pad like this and all."
"That's okay. I think I'll take the simple dorm life." Said the blonde. "Besides, I can't even work half of the things in the house and Noa- I mean nobody, uh, uh, else does either." She tried lamely.
Willow growled in the back of her throat, "How about we see about that dorm room tomorrow? That or I may have to get large with the butch."
Tara just giggled and said 'okay.'
"Glad that's settled." Willow chuckled. A moment passed and the redhead spoke, "Tara, can I ask you something?"
"Sure."
"Okay," Willow steeled herself. "Do you know about… I mean… Did you…"
"Will." Prompted Tara.
"Dawn." Willow said quietly. "Do you know about what happened with me and Dawn and … everything?"
"I do." Tara returned, also quietly.
"You do?" Willow asked surprised. "And you're not gonna kill me? I mean, I thought there would at least be yelling. I was