Coming Out Thread

[Promthea128]

I mentioned to my mom recently that I want to come out to my dad, and she said that I never actually came out to her. I thought both she and my sister knew, since I talked to them when I was figuring it out, and I've said stuff like so-and-so actress is pretty, but apparently they needed the announcement. My mom outed me to my brother, which I guess is okay, though I think its the type of conversation you should have yourself. I told my dad and he was okay with it, said that I have to be who I am, love who I love, and he would always support me. I didn't really think he would react differently than that, but I don't talk life stuff with him often. But now my family all know, and they still love me for me.

[JustSkipIt]

But now my family all know, and they still love me for me.

That's really fantastic. It sounds like none of it was the way you wanted but it went well anyway.

[Promthea128]

Yeah, it all went well. I hope all the other kittens like willowtarabuffyfaith have it as easy as me.

[Guest]

My boss had a most natural and fatherly conversation with me today.

We talked about his own spiritual decision to leave his current employment so he could follow his heart and I ended up revealing to him my own heart's desires. It was such a natural interaction occurring between the two of us I very nearly gently announced to him that I was of a gay sexual orientation. Maybe I could have done it today without any repercussions based on lower energies of fear or loss. Maybe I could spend the rest of my life dappling in this exact form of existence: attracting to me people and situations that involve peace and only peace since the peace is within but reflected outside.

I truly do believe an emotionally conscious form of life can heal us at many levels and I am grateful for this particular life lesson I learnt today from this wise soul who incarnated as my boss in this lifetime.

Peace & Light.

Vi'

[JustSkipIt]

Vi - Beautiful. Thanks for sharing that.

[Guest]

It's beautiful indeed Deb' because once you quit tugging at your end of the rope and as such stop reacting but instead open up to the awareness being sent by the other person with love, the whole dance changes in your favour and moves along with you. It has to.

And that is what I call a miracle

[Gaga01]

Um, okay...I haven't read all 12 pages of this topic, but I thought it wouldn't hurt to come here and talk a little.

The truth is that I never, until recently, really admitted to myself I might be bi, or leaning more toward the gay part of it. If I was honest with myself, I know there always were pointers that I should've taken into account, but I didn't. I won't wast anyone's time telling my life story but, long story short, I've had severe trust ans self esteem issues that kept me from having any kind of serious relationship. I wasn't interested in the guys that were interested in me, and vice-versa.

At first I thought I was attracted more to women than men because I always idolized Willow and Tara, but over the months, whenever I put myself in any kind of hypothetical situation with a man, then with a woman, the latter always won. I thought I'd be shocked but I am not. But, how can I come out to anyone if I'm not sure? And anyway, there isn't anyone I can come out to. I am sure that it would change things between my best friend and I (even though he's a guy and his brother is gay) and I honestly don't believe I can talk about any of this with my family. Maybe they have some doubt considering I've never had an official boyfriend, but I am terrified about get on that subject with them. I have two gay friends and they're both guys, and I can't put my best friend's brother in a situation where he would have to keep something a secret from his brother. What am I supposed to do? I feel so lost and confused, and I don't know what to do...

[JustSkipIt]

Hi Gaga,
Welcome to the kitten board and to this thread. I'm glad you found us and sorry it took me a few days to respond. It siunds like you have a pretty good grasp of who you are which I think is great.

It sounds like you're nervous about coming out and how that will affect your relationships. My thoughts? Try not to worry about that. Right now it's sort of just a label. Take your time.you can come out (or not) whenever and to whoever you want. Just be kind and loving to yourself and try not to worry about others's reactions.

good luck.m

[Gaga01]

thank you and it's okay, I wasn't exactly expecting an immediate answer.

thanks for your kind words, it means a lot to me. Things are so confusing right now, but I'll try to not focus too much on that and do as you say. Can't hurt to try anyway...

[Guest]

Dear Gaga01,

I agree with Deb's advice Starve the issues that you are currently facing rather than feeding them. If you continue feeding the emotions of confusion of "who you are sexually" it will only lead to more doubt since you then move away from your who your authentic self actually is.

Moreover, I would alternatively suggest that you try and find some unique events or thoughts in your life that contradict your dominant challenges.

For example ... Can you think of moments in your life when you refused to go along with the "desire" to come out and simply allowed yourself to "feel" what you were feeling in that moment? Were you able to have full faith in your thoughts and desires of the moment when it happened? What does this tell you about yourself?

Explore any thought, desire or emotion that does not fit within your dominant thoughts and you will have created a new storyline within your own life that you can relate to for discovering:

(i) Who you really are sexually.
(ii) If there is truly a necessity for you to explore this form of authenticity with your current social group ... for this is what coming out is all about.

Peace & blue skies,

Vi'

[KnightlyLove]

Gaga01,
First off, if your username refers to Lady Gaga, right on.

Second off, I can see you're in a confusing situation. I think the most important thing is not to put pressure on yourself. Labels like "gay" and "straight" - or even "bi" - restrict so much more than they enable, IMHO. Not only that, but they're truly unnecessary. As nimloth said, what's truly important is *you*, and what makes *you* happy (or fulfilled, or turned on, or whatever).
This isn't to say that self-identification isn't super important to some people, and you might find that you really do need to find a label for yourself. Make that a label for *you*, not for anybody else, though.

With that part out of the way, as far as coming out to friends & family, I know a lot of people who've tackled this problem in various ways. I dated a bi girl who waited until I'd already met her parents before coming out to them; I dated a lesbian who didn't come out to her parents until after we'd broken up; I've hooked up with countless people who *never* find it necessary to share that part of themselves with the people they love. Some people feel uncomfortable keeping the "news" to themselves after they've realized it, while others would feel awkward telling anybody until after they were absolutely certain (i.e. having dated somebody for a decent period of time).
I guess the main point of all of this is that there is no "right" answer - only a decision that makes *you* most comfortable.
And if you're just plain scared, remember: we all were, and they probably won't be as surprised as you expect them to be.

[Gaga01]

VI' and Knightylove;

first off, yes, it does come from LG herself

Thank you both so much for your advices. I'm sorry I didn't reply sooner, but I was thinking about what both of you said, and it really helps. Things are still not clear, but I've stopped obsessing about everything, and I'm giving myself time to really get to know the 'real' me. The others can go to hell if they're not happy about that. I'm not trying to force myself into a specific label because it would be stupid, I only guess the hardest thing about all of it is to not know anyone in my situation who I can talk too face to face. I'll happen eventually I guess.

Thanks again, I will keep everything in mind, I really appreciate the time you all took to try and help me.

[Guest]

Heterosexualism will definitely feel soothing and comfortable because there will always be elements of polarity attracting you at a certain emotional level to who we refer to as the "opposite" gender. That is one of the paths we take whilst exploring our emotional selves leading to many people of a fully homosexual orientation being attracted to a heterosexual relationship. There is much growth inside the heart that does take place when it happens. Your feelings of confusion are natural in such cases.

Try to find some strong masculine elements to integrate within your life. Having a male best friend for example will lead to balance within your own self.

It is through balance that not only do we find our authentic selves but we also learn to be comfortable with our sexual selves irrespective of what they turn out to be: bisexual/asexual/homosexual/heterosexual.

And in truth my friend, your sexual self is but an aspect of your authentic self. It does not encompass the whole ... so just be your true self at all levels

Vi'

[Gaga01]

thanks, and that's true, Vi

My best friend is a guy so it's okay on that front

It's actually pretty funny how any attraction for guys goes down the drain the minute I go out with one of them...

thanks for the advice and thoughts, it's really appreciated

Marie

[Guest]

Loads f love and light on your personal path of authenticity Marie

~

On the same wavelength, there was something relating to forced marriages that had really struck me a few days back. I am on another LGBT board where I often find announcements from people of an indo/muslim background and homosexual orientation who look for marriages of convenience so as to tame down family pressure.

These people are often aged above 30 and I can totally relate to the unexpressed feelings of being pressured that emanate from their posts. What I find amazing though is how all of these people are willing to live a whole life of unauthenticity just because they cannot break away from parental, family and cultural requirements.

What is even more amazing to me is that I was also part of that same mindset only a few years ago. At 23 for example, I really couldn't imagine not getting married as per my parents' choices especially as I found it majorly impossible to move away from my father's dictator attitude. Which is where the whole notion of emigration to another country that would be completely out of their reach had initially come about

All in all, it was thanks to a lot of supportive help from my Healer friend Georg who cut quite a few binding family links from me that I was able to make the necessary breakthrough that has me standing where I am at this moment...

... a very unindian indian girl.

For me personally, I find you guys very lucky not having to face the pressure of arranged marriages especially if you are of a homosexual sexual orientation

Blue skies,

Vi'

[Gaga01]

Yeah, I've heard about that...I can't even imagine how it must be like for people in that kind of situation. We can only hope mentalities will change someday so they realize how stupid it is to push someone to live a sad life, governed by lies and despair just so others can believe everything is "right" with their world.

The world has supposedly evolved, but not as much as we could hope, unfortunately...it must be really hard to have and move to a whole other country just to stop being submitted to a sucky life...it's really great that you have a friend who's helped you through everything

I'm infinitely grateful it's not like that here anymore, but ever since I've taken the time to discover, realize (and accept) who I was, I can't help but think that, as evolve as we are, things are much easier when you took in the "big picture". When it comes to one on one interaction in everyday life, there are still a lot of work to be done...

[Guest]

...it must be really hard to have and move to a whole other country just to stop being submitted to a sucky life...

Actually I found it to be a life challenge that has proved to be beyond beautiful ... but then maybe this is because I am completely disconnected from the religious beliefs in which my family tried to bring me up in. It is attachment to one's religion that prevents one from fully embracing the life one is meant to live. Maybe initially I wanted to move out of my homeland (Mauritius) solely so as to avoid being pressured into marriage but now I feel more and more like it is a permanent trip to an exotic culture that was SO meant for me. I don't relate 100% to my own home culture so I needed this shift in physical reality.

Loving reading your comments Marie

Blue skies,

Vi'

[Smilis]

Hey!

I really don’t know where to start since I don’t really know exactly what my problem is.
But, I thought writing about it might help me. I don’t know why I’m troubled about this issue,
about being gay.
I’m pretty sure I’m gay I just don’t seem to want to believe it.
Why is that?

My parents would be totally happy.
It’s not like I’ve told them I’m gay but it wouldn’t be an issue.
Heck, they even encourage me to find someone, man or woman. I don’t even have to sit down and talk to them
about this, I could simple bring a woman home and they would be thrilled.
(My parents always told me it’s never about being gay or straight it’s about finding love with whomever.)
So, parents not an issue.

Friends… Not an issue. They simply want me to find a partner, want me to be happy.
Besides they already know I’m attracted to women. Not because they’ve guessed it but because I’ve told
them and we’ve discussed it. They even offered,
and still do, to accompanying me to parties that RFSL hosts
(RFSL =The Swedish Federation for Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgender Rights)
So, friends not an issue.

Basically what it comes down to is that everybody already know I’m gay
I just don’t want to; come out, I guess, to myself.
I think about it all the time and I always say
that I don’t care, I’ll fall in love with a person not a gender but that I know it will be a woman.
I laugh it off but deep down I’m struggling with this.
It’s not like I’m young and just realizing this,
I’m 32 and I’ve known for as long as I can remember that I’m gay.


How the h* can you be out to everybody except yourself?
How can I write I am gay, right now, and know it to be true but not believe it?

[PoisonBerry]

Oh wow I found the right forum, if anyones woundering, yes i am the dumbass who tried to post on the coming out thread but actually started her own topic... people like me shouldnt be allowd near computers.. but anyhoo back to the reason why i posted here ~ drum roll please:

So im 17 years old and have come out to my mom and best friend, my friend was totaly fine with me being gay but my mom is still taking some time to get use to it.Im planning on comming out fully end of this year after I leave highschool and I think i will be abel to handel hat and things wont be so bad. I do however have one problem all my friends and all the people that surround me are straight. What i want to know is how can I interact with other gay people in my comunity. I have some ideas but im not to sure and its frustrating me because im feeling alittle isolated. Id like to get to know other gay people and learn alittle more through interaction, maybey develop some form of a gaydar ( unless you're supposed to be born with one because if so im totaly screwed)

please if anyone can help me advice would be greatly apretiated
P.S i apologize for my spelling and grammer errors, i do have talents i swear but writting and the general putting of thought intowords is not one of them so the writters of this board please dont kill me

[AlienStars]

I have the same problem PoisonBerry! All of my friends are straight and wouldn't even know of anything about this. By the way everyone is so brave to be able to tell their families about this. I'm too scared! I feel so alone but I know I'm not. I haven't even told my twin sister yet! anybody who replies to PoisonBerry about her problem I'm listening because I was gonna ask the same thing.

[Laragh]

Hey guys

Well I'm 18 so I figured I'm near enough your guys' age to at least try and help a little.

PoisonBerry, well done for coming out to your best friend! Everyone always says 'once you're out to your mom, you're really out', but for me that person was my best friend, because she was the one who I really needed in my life (my mother and I aren't close) so I commend you for being out to both

For meeting the 'local gays', well I'm not really sure what you're community is like is terms of divesity etc so it's hard to say, but say for me, I live in the Irish equivalent of the mid-west (not that's there's anything wrong with the mis-west, but not exactly progressive) and there's basically nothing around for gay people (of any age, never mind just youth) unless you travel to bigger cities, which even if you're willing to, there's very limited public transport.

If you do live in a bigger city though, you might be able to find an LGBT group that meets regularly and gives you a chance to meet others? They have a few dotted around my little country that I would've loved to go to if I'd had a chance.

Probably more of a long-shot, but you could see if your school has a Gay-Straight Allience or similar as well.

I think, and I know for me, that the internet can be your friend (in terms of research) and if you find a board like this that is (obviously) gay-friendly and even gay-heavy, maybe try and strike up some friendships on there.

I know when I first came out, I felt the exact same way, I just craved exploring the social part of my gayness and media outlets was how I did that. I discovered AfterEllen.com which led me to all kinds of movies/TV shows/vlogs/books etc that were gay-based and helped me feel connected to the community at large.

And it was what led me here when an article pointed me towards Buffy and I fell in love with Willow/Tara and found this community.

And as for gaydar...ha, I have no idea, I think some people are probably born with better instints than others that helps them deduce who's who. But I think it's probably you learn as well just from being on the scene and picking up on things.

Like for me, I haven't had much access to large/regular groups of gay people (apart from things like Pride) so if you put me in a room with 50% gay people and 50% straight, I'd probably only get like 30/100 right, but I can always tell when an actress or a character is gay whether or not they've come out or had any gay rumours, it's just feeling which I've been told is what 'gaydar' feels like

But I dunno, I hope we kittens can at least help you feel more...gayly-integrated. We are all about the gay love after all You can come on chat (the chat room button up top) and have a chat with us there, or PM me or somone else you think seems friendly or hit someone up on facebook and build a network of online-go-to-gays.

Obviously online isn't the ideal and a real person to talk to face to face would be great (and I hope you find) but if you're just looking for something to help you feel...assimilated into the gay community until you finish high school.

Anyway, that was long and rambly and I apologise but I just though since we're similar ages so I thought I might be able to help

[PoisonBerry]

Hey guys
Alien star you are absolutly right you're not alone, its so nice to log on here and see that we're not the only ones going through these problems and that there are people willing to help. funny thing about when I came out i hadn't realy planned it, I was just in a frustrating situation because I was confused and I just kinda said it. Even if the whole thing caused alittle trouble with my mother i feel beter now because atleast she knows, and the good thing is i have my best friend and if ever I need to talk to her about that stuff I can and it makes dealing with things alot easier.So coming out is scary and it may cause alittel friction but it definatley has its benefits.

Laragh
thank you, me and my mom are in that 'big lingerinr issue' stage and i hope like you and your mom we can move on from that.
And dont apologize for your rambling, its helpful rambling so please ramble away...
Thank you for your advice, I will try to find a LGBT group but as for the school thing you were right it was a long shot (the peolple at my school aren't broadminded enough for that, haha i think my principal would have a heart attack if one of his prefects had to puplicly anounce they were gay,dumbass )
I'll try the chatrooms once i figure out how to use them.I just have one thing( and i know im going to sound dumb)... but whats a PM? im sorry but im realy backward when it comes to technology esspecially computers

again thank you sooo much! i know i sound like a nerd but quite honestly
you made my day by helping me, i really apreciate it

[AlienStars]

PoisonBerry - I don't even think a frustrating situation would get that secret out of me lol! I'm such a wimp! I'm so glad that you were able to come out. what sucks for me is I live in the southern part of the US and everybody and I mean EVERYBODY worships God and the Bible. lol I think if I had come out when I was in highschool a few months ago (I'm 19) all of the students would have held a public burning at the stake lol! XD I'm just so glad I've found this website. I sneak on it everynight when my sister isn't awake lol! I think my gayness has intensified by just looking at the pictures of Willow/Tara lol! Willow is so sexy! Well anyway I should calm down though lol!

[Laragh]

PoisonBerry -

A PM is a private message. You can access yours/send one by going to the link that says 'You have no new messages' (or you have __ new messages lol) inbetween the 'Profile' and 'Log In/Log Out' under the header for the board.

It basically means you can have a private correspondence if there's things you don't want to talk about publically on a board, or want to have a conversation with someone.

[guitar_girl]

Well,
I took a big leap guys. I told someone that I was attracted to females, well one female. Someone I really didn't know that well but she is a lesbian and I figured she could help me out. She was shocked. She says I should tell the girl in question. I just can't believe I told someone. It just makes everything seem so real now.

[PoisonBerry]

Guitar girl
Well done for telling someone! It is a cool feeling because now it feels like you moving forward. Its good that you told this women and now can allow her to help you, it makes things easier having someone know and you don't feel so alone ,so great for you! As for telling the girl that you're atracted to your feelings good luck with that (if you do it you have waaay more guts then me!) I really hope that things work out for the best
Laragh and AlienStar I PMd you guys

[KnightlyLove]

I think it's always kind of hard to find the gay community; even in the suburbs of LA it was hard when I was in high school. Now I go to college in the Bay Area, and I'd say it's just SILLY how many "queers" there are.
Nonetheless I really enjoy this forum and the interaction I get to have with people like you guys. (BTWs I found you guys incredibly adorable, in the least condescending way possible.)

Smilis, I think the biggest & hardest part of coming out is coming out to yourself, so don't feel weird or bad about being confused about it. Ultimately, don't spend more time than you need to worrying about it, though - you'll find someone, and suddenly being gay will make so much sense as part of you.

Another thing is that "coming out" in a really intolerant place (like the deep south) isn't the most... necessary thing ever. Don't feel like you're not queer until you come out - that's simply not true. But don't feel like you're being false if you're not "out" to everyone around you. It's simply not something that they need (or, probably, WANT) to know.

As for a gaydar, it's easy enough to survive without one of those =P You'll be fine.

[CrazyTaraWitch]

This isn't really a coming out *yet*, but I guess it's a coming out plan.
I haven't seen my grandmother in a few years, and have decided to try to visit her soon, and while I'm there I want to come out to her-- or try to anyway, as I know it will be very difficult for me. The idea terrifies me but... I feel like it's time. I'm not even sure why, I guess I'm just tired of hiding.

There's not even much *to* hide these days; I haven't had a relationship in over a year, and I'm hardly ever active in the gay community. Even so, every time I talk to her I feel like I'm having to hide, because even if I'm not hiding my actions, I'm hiding who I am, which is a big part of why I've hardly spoken to her in the last 3 years. Plus, I feel like I still owe this to my past self. I always said that I would tell my Gram I'm gay when I had a relationship (because until then, what was the point? Why make her sad for no reason?), for years I said that to myself and my dad, but when the time came I didn't follow through. I can even remember a phone call when I had the perfect opportunity-- my Gram asked me if I was going to Germany because I had a boyfriend there; I could have told her the truth, that I was gay and had a girlfriend there, that I'd found love, but I didn't. And I hated myself for it. I hated myself for not being honest about what was at the time the most important part of my life. I never want that again. So I need to do this. I need to tell her now, while I'm only telling her for me, so that someday, if and when I'm lucky enough to find love again, I will be able to tell her I've found someone without it having to be wrapped up in the terror of coming out to a woman who loves me but will never understand. I need to be brave so that I can forgive the me of a year and a half ago that couldn't tell her, and so that I can someday feel free to let her know when I've found love.

[JustSkipIt]

Jas - Good luck. I hope it goes well. Reading your post takes me back 20 years. My grandmother (father's mother) is literally the only person in my family that I did not come out to (or who didn't figure it out on her own). My mother's parents asked on their own and said great in the same letter and later my (then) wife and I spent our honeymoon at my grand-parents's house. But my father's mother? When she passed away I was out of the closet for maybe 3 years and was terrified of telling her. I knew she would not understand and would not accept it. Her wrath was well known and her habit of "writing you out of my will" was legendary. So I didn't do it because I was afraid. I don't know that I regret it but it's notable to me because there's really never been anyone else in my life that I was afraid to come out to.

Good luck.

[CrazyTaraWitch]

Deb- Thanks for the support, and for sharing your story.
Mine's the same in some ways, in that basically everyone knows but my grandmother and she's the only one I've ever made any effort to hide my sexuality from, but it's different in some ways too. For one thing, I've been irrationally terrified of telling pretty much everyone in my family. I told my mom in a letter and barely had the courage for that (though to be fair I was 14 at the time) even though I knew she was liberal and assumed she supported gay rights and such (though it had never been talked about). Even my friends I only told through an email, my very first coming out, terrified that every one of them would never speak to me again, even though rationally I knew most of them would be supportive. I was 15 when I told my dad, and though I just casually dropped it into the conversation my heart was beating a mile a minute. Every significant coming out I've been scared despite knowing it would all turn out okay; this is the first time I know it won't. There won't be any writing out of a will, she won't stop loving me or talking to me, but she will be immensely hurt and sad for me, and it won't be something she can ever support. And that's a first for me, and it makes things scary in a whole different way than what I've ever experienced before. But I think for me (in no way judging anyone who feels differently) I will regret it if I never tell her. I think I would regret never letting her know the real me.