by BeMyDeputy » Sat Jun 04, 2011 4:41 pm
I have no idea why, but this moment from when I was 15 or 16 came to me recently:
I was dating my first girlfriend, and a bunch of us where at a friend's cabin playing RPGs all weekend. When we were on our way to bed, one of our friends, who had recently converted to Catholicism (from atheism, oddly enough), and I had this conversation:
Ben: "Don't you think you're kind of young to make a big decision like [being/calling yourself gay]?"
Me: "Well, the choice on my part is what to call it. I know I'm attracted to girls right now, and not to guys. Based on that observation*, the word I use to describe myself is 'gay.' If later I find myself attracted to guys, I'll describe myself as "bi." And if I find that I'm not attracted to girls, I'll be kind of confused, because I'm know I'm in love with Katie (yes, both my girlfriend and I were Katies; I go by both Kate and Katie). But if that goes away for whatever reason, I'll call myself straight. Because that's what those words mean."
I remember being really confused, because I didn't understand the premise of the question. Like, how could I be too young to examine who I looked at and had sexy-type feelings for, and then start using the standard English word for the category I fit into? I was old enough to have sexy-type feeling for people, wasn't I? My peers were certainly dating, and Ben didn't ask them if they thought they were too young to identify as straight. Hell, I knew for a fact that he had been dating when he was my age.
Oddly enough, when I did re-identify as bi, it was much weirder and harder for me, because I'd spent so much time thinking of myself as gay. It was the change that was hard on me. Since I'd never identified as straight, saying I was gay was a pretty easy thing to do.
*Yes, I'm a big nerd, and actually talk like this. And did when I was that age. But he's a physicist, so it was appropriate.