A Moment of Truth

[KiWy]

I wish i had her confidence, her abilities when it comes to that. I feel like a scared kid inside...

[Willowtree252]

We tend to see things we want to see. We make the past more then it was and shade certain people in a better light then they really are.

[little.hesperides]

I love her. But maybe, just maybe, I'm no longer in love with her.

[Laragh]

There's nothing wrong with saying 'no' sometimes.

[CrazyTaraWitch]

There are still a few things that never fail to make my heart hurt for just a split second. I know how I could almost certainly get over it, but I don't, because even though it hurts I still want to remember. I don't hold on to things the way I did for so long, I don't allow myself to actively remember anymore. Not working to neutralize those few rare reminders that I have is all I've got left.
I'm content to let gouda be something that hurts to think about if the tradeoff is, on those oh-so-rare-occasions I think of gouda, remembering the life that was ever-so-briefly mine.
I'm not broken. I'm not unhappy. I don't sit around moping or pining. I have a decent life, and despite some recent depressive symptoms I'm generally pretty happy. But I can't let go of the last teeny tiny strands tying me to the way things used to be.

[brave-little-toaster]

I may have no skill when it comes to writing lab reports, research papers, and anything that doesn't involve "cute words" or fiction, but your social graces suck. At least I can fix my writing.

[Silent_X]

I love you because we've been friends for nearly six freakin' years, but you are not the same person I made friends with all those years ago. You have become self-centered and honestly kind of a bitch. I hope it gets better, I hope you get over it, because I don't want to lose you, but you're losing my trust and my respect really fast. I hope you grow up and stop becoming the kind of person you used to laugh at. I miss the real you. A lot.

[CrazyTaraWitch]

An old friend that I was super close to in middle school and still see from time to time is organizing a get together with old friends from our high school choir. Every girl from our choir that was in our grade, except me. And it hurts. It hurts a lot.
I don't want it to bother me. I want to be okay that we're not really friends anymore, that we never talk and only get together once or twice a year to watch movies and chat superficially about unimportant aspects of our lives; it's been this way for so long that I should be used to it, but sometimes it still hurts. Years and years have gone by, but I still miss her, I still miss calling each other to listen to music and chat while doing homework, watching Law & Order for hours on end, sleep overs where we'd lay in bed talking into the middle of the night, watching and laughing at every bad horror movie we could get our hands on (and a few good ones), throwing ice cubes of my dad's balcony, arguing over which songs were better, and just sharing absolutely everything. She's the only real, true best friend I've ever had and I still miss her, still miss that friendship.
I'm used to the occasional hurt seeing how close she is with other people while the gap between us only grows, but this one doesn't just feel like an incidental hurt, it feels like a betrayal, because it's absolutely everyone but me. And even 7 years later, a betrayal from someone who was once the single most important person in the world in my book still kills me.

[CrazyTaraWitch]

My depression is back, and I don't think I can ignore it any longer. The problem is I don't know what to do about it. I'm a big believer in therapy, but I haven't had a lot of success with it myself, not since my first therapist 6 years ago. My second therapist, whom I stopped seeing 2 years ago, was a kind woman who tried very hard to help me and I know genuinely cared, but I don't feel like the 4 years I spend going to her twice a month were very productive. Actually I talked about things that were on my mind, worked through stuff a bit, but more often than not I talked about stuff that didn't feel relevant to my present life, and most of the time my therapist said nothing at all; I often felt like we were trying to get to something we never quite reached, were searching for answers we never quite found. Sometimes she tried to tie pieces of my life together, or rather help me tie them together myself, tried to help me find answers to internal questions, but we never got to the answers; sometimes I'd think we were close, but then the next session it seemed far away again. Finally life got busy and I felt like we were making progress, so I discontinued my therapy. I don't regret the years I went to her, but I'd want to get more out of therapy if I went again. I'd want to actually figure out where my depression comes from, and what I can do to make it better. I just don't know how to get more than what I got before; I'm not sure what to do. I just don't feel this way any more. I'm tired of feeling empty; I'm tired of TV, and occasionally books and music, feeling like the only excitement in my life; I'm tired of not being able to connect with people; I'm tired of being happy (at least superficially) one minute and completely low the next, often seemingly out of nowhere; I'm tired of feeling alone. Most of all, I'm tired of hardly caring, moment to moment, about the things and people who mean the world to me. For the last month I've been taking care of a truly adorable little girl, and I don't love her; I always love children, it's who I am; usually it only takes me a couple days, sometimes less, to love a child, but I've been caring for her, playing with her, walking with her, teaching her French and Spanish, singing songs to her for 5 weeks and I don't love her. I have fun with her sometimes, though more and more I can tell that I'm absent even as we play, but I don't think I'd care if I never saw her again. She's cute, and I'm proud that I taught her what zapatos and aqua and cheveux mean and that she learned to say the word bow thanks to me, and there are moments when I feel a lot of affection for her... but I don't love her like I usually love kids. I don't get a thrill when I first see her in the morning, and I don't miss her when I don't see her for a few days. I don't know why. I don't know why I feel so detached, not just from her but from everything. Today I talked to a very dear friend for the first time in a long time and it was nice, but at the same time... it felt hollow. It felt like the spark was gone, and that's how I feel about almost everything these days.

I miss the spark. I want to get it back, but I just don't know where to start.

[Ariel]

Hey, CrazyTaraWitch!
Your message was powerful. Sounds so tough; like being in an emotional bubble separating you from love and even from yourself. I'm thinking of you and wishing you well, wishing I had an answer. I'm guessing you've had a shot at medical diagnoses and ruled out obvious stuff.

Bottom line, you count and when I come on the board there's always stuff from you, interesting and amazing stuff! So hang in there!

For me, I see my failures and character defects and seem to move forward in the same old path to not resolving my issues.

Don't have an answer, but am trying to ask the questions.

Ariel
How I Met Your Mother

[CrazyTaraWitch]

Hi Ariel, thanks for your kind response.
I was diagnosed with depression at 15 and have looking back I know I was depressed for the majority of my childhood before that. I used to just assume it would never go away, but it almost entirely did for a while, which is why it's so hard to feel it's back again. You're exactly right that it's a bubble, keeping me from fully interacting with my life. I don't think anyone but me can ever really figure out the answers, if there even are answers; it's my head and my being, ya know? I wish someone could just swoop in and solve it all, but I know life doesn't work that, and really I wouldn't want it to because then I'd never grow. No one can fix things for me, but support and kind words help immensely, so thanks, a lot a lot.
Good luck with your issues as well. I think acknowledging your problems is always the first step. That's what I'm trying to do too

[JujuDeRoussie]

I love the character of River Song (Dr Who), her story line, and all that she is. And I love the actress playing her (Alex Kingstong). But I also feel threatens by them both. They both are the new obsession of my girlfriend (she goes over phases of obsession). She tells me that I am still her addiction, and that she loves me more than anything, but it doesn't make me feel less scared. The fact that she stays up late at night looking on the internet for things about Alex Kingstong, pictures, reading more about River Song, and re watching over and over again the Dr Who episodes with River Song, instead of enjoying our time together... Well... It makes me feel really threatened.

So that's my moment of truth. No matter how I know she loves me, I feel insecure even though I am sharing (in another degree) the obsession (because dude, River Sons has the best story line ever, and Alex Kingstong...Dude she is gorgeous!)

[JustSkipIt]

Ok. Here's the truth. I'm worried about my son. He's so hard and upsets so easily and stays that way and it's hard to calm him down. Rachel was gone out of town all day and dealing with him is just hard and harder. We have him being treated by a Homeopath and a Neuroscientist. The Homeopath recently gave him a very very strong remedy and he is having a large reaction to it. One effect is that he suddenly started licking his fingertips and sticking three fingertips in his mouth. Like 1000 times a day. In the past he has stuck toys in his mouth and chewed shirts until they were soaked or even had holes but his fingertips is brand new.

But what I'm worried about is that he's going to a summer camp starting Monday. It's M-T from 9:00 - 12:00 for 3 weeks, then 2 weeks off, then another 3 weeks on. What if they see him doing this weird finger/mouth thing and think there's something wrong with him? The other kids will notice it for sure. He went to a different camp 2 years ago and it did not go well. For one thing he managed to get lost from them and another mother had to bring him inside. The first 2 weeks went ok but in the 2nd 2 weeks he pretty much sat in the principal's office for some part of every day because they couldn't get his focus. What if this camp calls us and tells us that he can't stay there? What if they say something is wrong with him and that they are a camp for "normal" kids? My wife called and talked to the director and described him somewhat and the director said he sounded like a 7 year old boy but what if she just didn't understand the extent? I don't want that for him and also if someone calls my wife and says there's something wrong with him, she will lose her ever-living-shit.

I'm scared and I'm worried and I love him so much and I want to be able to help him and let him have a happier life.

[CrazyTaraWitch]

Tonight I found out that my cousin is back with his parents. He's 17 and has been in and out of juvi and rehab for 2 or 3 years now. We were never close; he's enough younger than me that we weren't playmates, but not enough younger that he needed much watching by the time I was babysitting his little brothers. Even so it's been very strange watching all this from the sidelines. He was always smart and playful; he used to literally climb our walls up to the ceiling, and he had 10 times the energy I ever did. It's hard to understand how that boy grew into this angry young man that doesn't seem to give a shit about the world, his family, or himself, but I've had a long time to get used to the idea. Over and over he's seemed on the edge of recovery; he always does great when he's locked up, and even when he's first released, but inevitably something happens and he starts drinking and smoking pot and staying out past his court-imposed curfews. Several months ago he got a lucky break: the court said that if over the following three months he got a job, followed his parents' rules, met with his probation officer, followed his curfew, tested clean for drugs twice a week, and went to AA three times a week his record would be expunged. So he got his GED and started half-heartedly looking for jobs, but within a week of going off house-arrest he called my uncle to ask if he could stay out passed curfew, and when my uncle said no he disappeared. He ran away from home once before this and spent several weeks homeless before finally turning himself in, but regardless of course my aunt and uncle worried. This was back in late March I think that he ran away the second time, and they didn't hear a word from him until suddenly on mother's day he showed up at my aunt's house wanting to spend time with her. I'm sure it broke her heart, but she told him he couldn't come in until he talked to the cops, cause there was a warrant for his arrest. He disappeared again, and another few weeks went by without a word. A few days ago, the mom of the friend he had apparently been staying with finally got fed up with having my cousin in the house (as he apparently wouldn't get out when she told him to) and called the cops. Yesterday was the court hearing, and for whatever reason, even though every time he gets sent home he very quickly gets into trouble again, my cousin was released into my uncle's custody.

So here's my truth. I love my cousin; I don't really know him, especially as a teenager, but I remember him as the boy who obsessively played with my brother's batman toys and was amazing on a trampoline and used to play hide-and-seek with me and my brother and another cousin when we were at our grandparents'. I remember that boy and even though he's practically a stranger I can't not love him... but a part of me wishes he would stay away. I want him to be okay, I want him to make something of his life and most of all I want him to *want* to make something of his life, but he's been given so many chances that he's just thrown away, and I worry that having him back will make things worse for his family. He has 3 younger brothers who do not need to have him as a role-model; my 14 year old cousin has already gotten arrested once, for the same shit his brother started out getting in trouble for. My uncle doesn't need this stress; I know it's his kid and he loves him and wants to see him okay, but my uncle's barely getting by, running a failing business that he works at 50-80 hours a week and being a halftime dad to three kids that he tries really hard to have quality time with and even occasionally trying to have a life. He has a lot of stress day to day, and my cousin adds so much to that. I do want him to be okay, but I want him to get okay on his own. It doesn't seem like anything my aunt and uncle, or the cops, or the rehabs, or the judges, or the probation officer, or the juvis, do does any good anyway, and I just wish my aunt and uncle could stop having to be burdened with a nearly-grown kid who doesn't seem to want their help. And I feel like a really awful person for feeling this way, for not believing it will be different this time and for wanting my cousin to turn 18 so that my uncle has the choice to turn him away.

[CrazyTaraWitch]

I only see my sisters every few weeks, and only at family gatherings. I've never once spent one-on-one time with my sister K, and only incidentally with my sister S. I think I've only ever talked to each of them on the phone once or twice. I didn't share a childhood with them, especially K and S who were basically grown by the time our parents were living together, and even R was already 11 and I was 14. I don't talk to them online, we don't text, we don't keep in touch outside of get-togethers. But I would be lost without them. I honestly don't know how I would've made it through the last 14 months without them. Every time last spring and summer when S saw the sadness I couldn't quite hide she'd just give me a quite hug, just a little bit of extra love cause she knew I needed it. Seeing the strength in R has given me something to believe in, and as always she has made me a proud big sister. And K... K may have done the most of all, because she's never failed to believe in me and never failed to tell me when it was very much what I needed to hear, and she has embraced me so completely.
I would be lost without them. They are my sisters and I am so very glad to have these beautiful and amazing women in my life.

[JustSkipIt]

I don't know that this is the right place but here goes anyway.

Asher had an appointment with the Neuroscientist Wednesday. It was his first follow-up visit after 3 months. They did some more tests (or repeated the first tests again). Basically it's a complicated hearing test that isn't like lift your hand - it's like a test of how the little hairs in your ears respond, then a balance test, then a vision tracking and processing test. Then the doctor came in and showed us printouts. Honestly, the hearing one pictures don't mean much to me and he showed us some numbers and then the one about balance actually looked like way way better.

So Ash is going to keep taking the prescription for another month and a half and then keep taking all the vitamin supplements and add one more vitamin supplement to replace the prescription. So basically he said Ash seems "better" than 3 months ago. He also said that he would place Asher's development (maturity and such) at about 3-4 years old and that typically in kids with "these type of developmental delays" it takes about 3-5 months per year that he's behind to grow that year back. So it will be about a year or year and a half before he's caught up.

It's strange because no one has ever put that phrase "developmental delays" to Ash before but I can agree with it. This doctor works with a lot of Autistic and ADHD kids plus people with Neurological and brain injuries. He doesn't quite mince words but he doesn't label either. It's also strange because in the past few days when I've been frustrated with Ash, it's been really easy to think of him like a 3 or 4 year old and I feel less frustrated.

Interestingly my wife is sort of "he seems to really like the smoke and mirrors" and "he is very full of himself" and "I don't trust him..." Like, no kidding. She doesn't trust him because he's a doctor and she's afraid of doctors. So of course she doesn't trust him. I'm like... "well... let's see how Asher does..."

Hope.

[CrazyTaraWitch]

Rationally I know it's crazy, but since living with my ex-roommates every time I hear fight I expect it to turn violent. I am terrified that the next time I have a relationship I'll expect things to go that way... If I can hear my brother fighting with his girlfriend and have a part of me expect him to hit her, what's to keep me from expecting abuse in my own relationships? Will I ever be able to trust a partner after the things I heard? I know *rationally* I still trust, I'm not paranoid when I'm calm, but the moment I hear fighting my brain goes to that place, and I'm terrified that at the first fight I'll run away and shut myself off from the relationship, because what kind of a relationship could I possibly have with someone if for even one second I feared her?

[CrazyTaraWitch]

Picking a computer feels so overwhelming, I just wish someone could do it for me. There are way too many computers that fit what I'm looking for, I have no idea which ones are better than others, there is entirely too much information, and every time I try to sort through it all (which I've been attempting over and over for about two weeks) I get insanely stressed. I'm almost to the point of just picking the first laptop that seems half-way decent so that I don't have to deal with this anymore.
At some point perfection just isn't worth the stress.

[gorn]

Just saw the new Marina on "The Fresh Beat Band," I think she debuted on Friday. Gonna have a hard time getting used to her, I think ...

[CrazyTaraWitch]

Sometimes I really wish I could just be happy not having close friendships. I still have my brit pea, but she's so far away... There's no one here I feel close to right now. I've been so excited about my "best friend" coming home for a few weeks, but I'm just starting to realize that things have actually seemed awkward between us for a while, and I'm not sure why. I think part of it is that I always want us to be close than we are; I always have. She's been my best friend for years, but I've never really been hers, and though I don't do it consciously I guess I'm always trying to change that. She used to have a best friend, a real true best friend like the kind I've always longed for, and I think having had that, and having had that friendship fall apart after more than 7 years of being ridiculously close, she doesn't place as much value in out friendship as I do, and is scared to even build that sort of bond again. Me, I've always thought she was just about the greatest human being in existence, I've always wanted to spend as much time with her as I could and talk to her about everything. I've always wanted to be her best friend. She likes spending time with me and thinks I'm generally fun to hang out with, but she keeps a lot to herself and values other things way higher than our friendship. I've always placed our friendship as one of the highest priorities in my life.
I don't know if any of this actually relates to why she's been strange with me lately, but her strangeness certainly brings all this home. She's arriving in Austin in 3 days, and I don't even know when I'll see her. She's avoided making plans and doesn't seem to want to know about my life. It hurts and I don't know what to do.

Is a best friend too much to ask for?

[JustSkipIt]

MOT: I don't really care about most video games. They just don't captivate me and generally they stress me out. The family got this new wii gamecalled marble saga and they are obsessed but it stresses me out. Now asher is asking me over and over why I don't like games and i'm like...people like different thing...

[CrazyTaraWitch]

I have too many choices and I don't know what to do.

I spent the last hour+ investigating the cost of a trip to England, which I had given up on several weeks ago, and it's actually looking like I could do it for a couple hundred dollars less than I'd thought, though it would still be a lot more than I ought to spend. Then there's the trip to Pennsylvania to visit my grandmother that I've been tentatively planning, which would only cost me the price of a plane ticket and I'd get free food. Then there's the camping trip my mom suggested to me yesterday, which between gas and food and 1 night in a hotel would probably cost about the same as a trip to Pennsylvania and I'd love to go to the mountains again. Then there's the trip I suggested to my mom, the two of us going to Pennsylvania, renting a car, staying with my grandmother, and hiking around the hills up there, which would cost a little more than just me flying but would also be more fun. Then, because that's not enough possibilities to overwhelm me, since my best friend's been thinking she might have to leave earlier for her road trip to Montana going with her and flying back has become a possibility; chances are she wouldn't make me split gas since she'd be going anyway, so I'd just pay for half our campsite fees, food, and a plane ticket home, which would probably be about the same as flying to Pennsylvania or camping with my mom, and it would mean extra time with my friend, seeing parts of the country I've never been to before, and seeing my roommate who just today left to move home to Montana.
My truth is, though any of these options would be great, trying to decide between them feels so overwhelming I have a feeling that I will likely just put it all off so long that either I can't go at all or all I can do is camp with my mom (since that involves no plane tickets). It scares me a little how easily overwhelmed I am this days, cause I wasn't always like this... Once upon a time I was capable of making decisions, and I honestly don't know what happened or why I can't anymore.

[little.hesperides]

So I mentioned (in a beer-induced moment of courage) to my two friends that I had a slight crush on this one girl. These friends, awesome as they are, created a situation this evening that the two of us would be at (me and the crush). Problem is, after verbally confessing this truth last week, I realized it was just something I had been obsessing over and something that lost its power as soon as I shared it. Plus the girl is straight (although, come on, a lot of girls are straight until they're not...the entire history of my love life speaks volumes about this).

Moment of truth? At least I can recognize my mind's obsessions when I see them. And I am finding ways around them. I was cool and collected and vibrant and charming this evening, and I didn't hit on the straight girl at all. Cross my heart.

PS - A plus to being in a beer-induced state of courageousness? I used the moves I learned teaching myself rumba to apparently stun my dancing friends on the dance floor last week. This could not have looked bad on me at all when they brought it up in front of said straight girl.

[CrazyTaraWitch]

On both Sunday and Monday I had several hours of internet troubles, so Monday evening (even though these troubles had only played a minor role) I called one of my professors and told her I wouldn't be able to finish my assignments by midnight, majorly exaggerating the truth and saying that my internet had been down since Friday. She told me not to worry about it, and I said I thought I'd be able to get things done Tuesday morning. I felt only the smallest twinge of guilt over my lie, but now it's Wednesday and I'm still nowhere near done with my assignments, and my guilt is far worse now over not meeting the deadline I told her than it was over lying to her, yet I still can't motivate myself to actually work. It's like I want to care, but all I really want to do is read webcomics and watch tv. It's getting bad even for me. The truth is I'm worried. I feel so directionless and unmotivated, it's scaring me. I have all this time on my hands and... I'm doing absolutely nothing with it. I think I sat is this chair for about 14 hours yesterday, and I've been sitting in it most of the 3 hours that I've been up today. Yesterday I was so lazy that I barely even ate, cause I didn't feel like cooking or going to the store. I don't wanna be this person. I guess I've always been like this on weekends, but now it's like every damn day is a weekend and a hate it. I truly hate it. I've only been working 5-10 hours a week for over a month now and I'm so fucking bored I feel like I'm going crazy, but at the same time I don't want to do anything except the same damn stuff I do every boring day. It makes no sense; I'm even confusing myself writing this because it's all so contradictory. I can't make sense of my head and I feel lost and empty. Running helps, but not enough, and since Sunday my leg's been hurting so I've barely even done that. All I do is sit here, putting off my homework and hating myself for it, reading so much of a webcomic and watching so much Doctor Who that I even start to get bored with them yet still don't want to do anything else, knowing that if I just made myself getting up and be active I'd probably feel better but still not doing it, and knowing that if I just sucked it up and did my homework I'd be in a better mood cause I wouldn't have it hanging over my had but still not caring enough to actually do it. I hate not caring. I hate wanting to read books or organize my bookshelf or write or cook pasta or do anything else I love to do.
I hate that I'm like this, but I think what I hate most of all is knowing that it wouldn't be that hard to make it a little better and not caring enough to do the little bit of work it would take.

[JujuDeRoussie]

I am suddenly overwhelmed.

[Finey_McFine]

Some days I wish I sat in a cubicle and conversed with NO ONE.

[CrazyTaraWitch]

It's silly but, I have this feeling like I'm about to start my real adult life. No safety nets and no support for the very first time. It's silly to feel that way, cause I will still have the safety net of my mom's house until my grandfather moves and she sells the place, but after I move (hopefully tomorrow) I have a feeling I won't ever live here again. When I moved away last time it was to another state, but I knew there'd be a job waiting for me any time I came back, and I knew that for the time being there was a house I could live in, and my mom still paid my phone bill. Now I have bills in my own name, no back up job waiting for me, and a sense that I'll being leaving this house for good. For the first time ever I will be really and truly on my own, supporting myself and relying on myself. No safety nets. Just me.
I keep thinking it should feel scary, but it doesn't really; it feels good. I think I'm ready this time.

[CrazyTaraWitch]

I don't know how to forgive myself for getting fired 4 months ago. I don't know how to trust myself again. I want to work in a daycare again, at least someday, but I don't see how I can until I get over what happened, and I honestly don't know where to start. I don't know how to be okay with the fact that I lost the best job I will probably ever have after less than a week. I don't know how to be okay with the fact I forgot a child, even if it was only a few seconds. I don't know how to accept that I wasn't ready, that I got what I'd wanted for so long and couldn't handle it. I don't know how to trust myself that I won't screw everything up again.

[Kessari]

It's been 39 days since I had surgery for my eye. I regrettet letting people talk me into it as soon as I woke up that day and did so for over a month now. It's been a rough time, that I wouldn't even wish upon my worst enemy... Three weeks ago my doctor wanted to operate again. Immediately. Emergency surgery wouldn't have been anything new to me, but this time it felt wrong. I regretted going to hospital in the first place, so I refused. I think it was the first time I ever refused treatment. I'm glad now, that I did, because in the end I got IVs. I went back to hospital today to get checked out and it seems that the IVs worked, but as soon as I got the good news, there were bad news as well. So, in the end, I had to do this pigment contrast therapy thingy today, where you get a shot and they take pictures of the eye. Wasn't the worst thing in the world, but not too comfortable either. Anyways, it looked like a macular edema, but turned out that it wasn't.
Anyways, my moment of truth is, I'm sick of all these treatments, the fear, the... everything. I did well after the operation. I didn't lose my temper, I think I even was pretty easy going, even though I don't think I've ever been this scared in my whole life... But now it seems to catch up with me and I'm just tired.

[CrazyTaraWitch]

My dad always drank when I was growing up. Always. But I think tonight was the first time I ever saw him *drunk*. Throughout my childhood he would drink 8-12 beers a night and seemed normal. Tonight, he couldn't remember song lyrics for crap, messed up simple strumming, would *not* take my stepmom's hints to put the guitar away, and by the time he finally went to bed was barely able to walk. My truth is, it feels so strange to see him drunk after all those years of basically thinking it wasn't possible.