I loved the color imagery that began in Tara's dream and then flowed through the other scenes of this chapter. It was painful to see Willow's loss of confidence as a result of the charm, but their exchange of comforts in the night was beautiful and touching.



I liked the charming transition to the third scene where we finally learned what the pendulum did. Giles's distrust of Willow was distressing, especially after their conversation in Two Sorcerors, but I can see where it came from. Willow's lack of confidence was even more painful, but it was great seeing Tara standing up for her and seeing Willow finally accepting responsibility for controlling the magic. We finally get an idea of who Willow was talking to in that vision scene in one of the first chapters. Now I'm wondering if Dawn had something to do with Tara's dream at the beginning of this part too. I went back to look up Doc's riddle:

In killing with no weapon, in seeing a wish undone, in forgiving its greatest threat, the key is met.

but I couldn't see how that would relate to their dreams unless Willow was the greatest threat but I still think that was Glory. Perhaps it has something to do with seeing Willow's wish for vengeance undone?

--
"Omnia mutantur, nihil interit. "   "Everything changes, but nothing is truly lost."

wow..that was a really powerful chapter. I could definetly feel how Willow felt, then again I think I always could. Or relate on a complete level that is. thank you it was well worth the wait.

Tara nodded in agreement "She has magic fingers." Then, as though the words had just echoed back to her and sounded not at all right, she perked up and glanced around at the others. "On the keyboard."

TheWisdom of War, Chris Golden

'My heart is cleverer then I and it knows what to do.'-MC Legends of the Kiss

Now that was an update!!



I am so glad that Willow wants to go w/o the charms helping her along! I knew it wasn't the necklace that stopped herself from casting, it was her!



I hope there's more soon, I don't want to stop reading!

~Ashley~

Willow: We can come by between classes. Usually I use that time to copy over my class notes with a system of different colored pens. But it's been pointed out to me that that's, you know... insane.
Tara: I said quirky.

Oh my god. Wow. That update was freakin fantastic! Glad Giles got put in his place. No, that was wrong. I'm glad he finally understands what his place is.



Gem

Tara: There's just so much to work through... and can you just be kissing me now?

Hey, I've never commented on your fic before, mainly because I'm not really good at giving feedback, but I'm commenting on it now...and I have to say I love it. I especially like this that Tara said:

Quote:

---

“Am I just an accessory?” she asked quietly, but she felt panic rising in her throat. “Am I just a prop in your life? My death was just to punish you, and my life is some…some way to keep you weak? To keep you safe?”

---

I'm glad you put that in there, to show that Tara wasn't just a prop.



Kasey

- - - - - - - - - - - - - -

"You should come around here on Halloween,
you'd really see something then...
we all jump off the roof and fly."

So it worked well eh? What I loved most about this chapter is that the relationship between Willow and Tara was heightened by Tara's own fear. It's not a perspective we're given very often, and if we are it's never really explored in any depth. I really appreciated and felt the pangs of self-doubt that Tara was having in her own purpose. Of course, the whole notion of her being a prop was fantastic and really poignant. Beautifully expressed, as always.



The other part of the chapter I really liked was the fact that Buffy got involved in Willow's issues. It's about time. And your Buffy, all the way through this fic, has been strong and supportive like a best friend should be. The way that she insisted the choice should be Willow's...that's a long way to come from the whining didactics of the Buffy in Season 6. And I truly appreciated that as well, because it highlighted the friendship aspect. It's about time that Buffy evaluated what's important to her and here she did just that.



Giles' mistrust of Willow, or at least, that's how she interpreted it, is probably based on some kind of fear. He more than anyone knows how it feels to lose control of magicks and here you had him worrying about things that hadn't happened, and might not happen. I liked that characterisation because it really helped to give me an idea that he views the Scoobies as his family. And that's an important theme throughout your fic, I think.



Also, damn...Willow's dialogue in the bathroom scene was spot on. You wrote that perfectly. Thank you so much for this; it's so very heartening, painful, enlightening and beautiful to read.

----------
"Squish. Squish. Squish."

Well, it’s a lovely Saturday evening, and I am watching season 1 Angel re-runs, and I thank you all so much for the feedback. Have I said how great it is to write something and post it here and actually find out something about what people thought when they read it? That is just so cool.



ISABIG, I like your resolve face.



Darkmagicwillow, See, now there’s an interesting question, about how and whether the riddle relates to the dream. I guess I should probably figure that out. . Just kidding.



As for Giles’ distrust and Willow’s lack of confidence, in some way I struggle with wanting not to keep going back and forth: resolution followed by backsliding followed by resolution followed by backsliding. But that’s how I see it happening. Small steps.



I’m thinking of it not so much as Willow controlling the magick as Willow trusting herself to let the magick happen when it needs to, or letting herself be magickal when she needs to. It is part of her, and it is part of her relationship with Tara, and she has to learn how to be accept that. In season six she was misunderstanding and abusing that. In this story, she’s been fearing it.



WiccansIllusion, I’m glad that Willow’s feelings seemed right, and thanks for being so patient with the updates; they’ve been a bit slower lately, I know.



Ashley, I remember you said that last time, and you were right! Thanks for reading.



Gem, I’m so glad you liked it, thanks for saying so. Giles is tricky…he’s older and wiser and a Watcher and has a lot to add, but ultimately, he can’t live for them. He has a place here, and I don’t want to undermine that, but it’s just one place. Not the in-charge place.



Kasey, it looks to me like you’re great at giving feedback. . It’s always great to get it. Thanks! And yeah, that prop was meant to be both a jab at Mutant Enemy and an attempt to understand how Tara would feel when she realizes that Willow thinks she was responsible.



Ruth, wow, now I’m having all these thoughts about Tara’s purpose. I do think that, having been brought suddenly back from death with no explanation, she would feel weird, and that’s looming large for her right now. Buffy probably came closest to identifying with that, but they haven’t really had time to talk about it with all these other things getting in the way. And, really, we’re only on the 3rd day of her new life. Ooh…and that’s when she had the dream…how’s that for some saintlike Christian imagery?



Anyway, I’m thinking that in canon, Tara has always struggled with ideas of purpose and her place in the gang, the family, the world. In a way, she is like Xander (shocked pause) in that: they both are uncertain of what their contribution is, of who they really are.



So Tara and Xander as parallel characters….any thoughts?

Edited by: Tulipp at: 9/7/02 4:13:14 pm

That's an intensely disturbing thought. Accurate to a certain point, but disturbing nonetheless. I had a long reply typed up but it seems it's a bit too long and I have a reunion to get to. Kill me. Please!! Hope it's OK if I email later?

"Live or die, but don't poison everything..." -Anne Sexton

Oh happy happy. This chapter had so many layers I liked how it reminded us of Tara's strength in standing up to others a la Older and Farther Away. I like how it addressed the use of Tara as merely a prop to Willow and what that would actually feel like. I liked the use of "I trust you". And I liked that indeed Willow was strong enough and did take that step herself.

Quote:

---

“No,” Willow sobbed helplessly. “I don’t care about that. It’s just…I thought it was me. I thought I…I finally did something right, something worthy of you,”

---

Thanks again for another fabulous chapter. And hoo the tiny cliffhanger has me curious. How is it you continue to make Dawn and interesting non-screechy character? Hmm?

Autumn

-----------

Buffy Season 6: It grated, like something forced in where it doesn't belong.

WOW, that was so amazingly beautiful. I truly loved that update!!



When I grow up I wanna write that way -- er, well I don't plan on growing up and shoot I'm already feeling old...ok, I hope someday to write that well...but until I learn - please keep writing so I can keep reading.

A dream is a wish the heart makes.

Willow: "You had two eggs, sunny-side-up. I remember because they were wiggling at me like little boobs."

Tara: "Sassy Eggs."

That was a wonderful chapter. So full of angst and comfort. And 'braided' was such a wonderful word. This was beautifully written.

------------------------------


Buffy: I'd like to find Willow and Xander
Joyce: Will you be slaying?
Buffy: Only if they give me lip

Hey, don't scare me like that! *G* I have a lot of trust that you have everything figured out and that you're going to weave all the threads, however tangled at the moment, into a beautiful tapestry at the end.



The Giles/Willow conflict flowing back an forth between trust and distrust feels right to me. I understand the urge to solve it quickly, but you're right about small steps.



I think you're right about Willow needing to learn to accept the magic as a natural part of her and their relationship, but don't you think that she would see it as controlling something external at least at first? I think the abuse and fear could both come from the perception of the magic as something else. Or do you think that's a lesson she already learned?



Hmm...Tara and Xander as parallel characters. Let me turn around and ask another question: why does each of them want to be a Scooby? For Xander, I think it's a huge part of his identity though he was starting to build something outside that with Anya and his job. I don't think it is as important for Tara though; while she does want to help, I think she wants to be a Scooby to be near Willow. She doesn't need to be a Scooby to justify her existence the way Xander does.



For Tara, I think having the terrible experiences with her own family has caused her to want most to create a family of her own like she did in the summer after Buffy died. In their relationship, I think Willow is the outward focused one involved with the Scoobies and such, while Tara is the inward focused one creating a family and a home. However, that doesn't mean that she doesn't worry about her contribution as our society values the outward much more than the inward.



I think I got lost in my own thoughts there, but my final conclusion is that there are some parallels but they're more different than alike.

--
"Omnia mutantur, nihil interit. "   "Everything changes, but nothing is truly lost."

TromDeGrey, always yes to e-mail. Can’t wait to see what you thought, and eek…a reunion…hope it’s a good one.



Autumn, I think that happy happy is all mine. And not, as y’all like to say, in a prison way this time, but in a so, so glad kind of way. “I trust you” is probably my all-time favorite W/T moment and line. As for Dawn, well Shiny McFiney has potential.



SlayerTazz, when I grow up I wanna be as good a beta for someone else as the people who have beta-read this story have been for me. And they are Ruby and Ruth. Oh yeah, and I want a million dollars.



MadeinNZ, I loved that word too, “braided.” It seems like just the tip of the iceberg, but how great is it to have two characters that inspire those kinds of completely intertwined, interconnected words?



darkmagicwillow, you really have me thinking now. And on a Saturday night and everything.



First, your question about Willow’s perceptions…yes. I think she is in the middle of that lesson right now, but you’re right that she hasn’t entirely learned it yet. She’s starting to, though, but it’s a lifer. Thanks for reminding me of that…it’s important.



You’re so right about the differences between Tara and Xander outweighing the similarities. They way you write it, it makes me see it another way. In some sense, Xander sticks with the Scoobies to escape his family, whereas Tara goes to the Scoobies to create a family. Of course, those oversimplify, but I wonder if there is a little truth to that. I wonder if some small part of Xander jilting Anya wasn’t just about being scared to replicate the family he grew up in but also being afraid to break up his Scooby family by cleaving to Anya, so to speak.



And of course, as you suggest, Tara is really going to Willow and getting a family in the bargain. Although I think that, more and more, she sees them all as her family. The idea of Willow as outward and Tara as inward is so interesting. That really makes sense.

Edited by: Tulipp at: 9/7/02 6:14:08 pm

Brilliant.

-----------


If we don't understand

What this life is made of

We learn the truth

When we find that kind of love

-"That Kind of Love" by Alison Krauss

Tulipp this part really resonated with me. I loved the vivid imagery in the beginning with the "blankness" (being alone) of the "white", but then the shifting to a sense of belonging/ hope with ("Red. A pinprick of color on the horizon that was the doorway. A point of focus. Something to move toward. And somewhere else... there was a voice."). What really got to me here is Tara's need to truly know/remind herself that this is real (she is truly back), not a dream (ie being in the "white place") by feeling "the pull of Willow's fingers, heels had shape, so if she could feel them she was really here", and etc.



I really felt for Tara, and her questioning her purpose (especially when she wondered if Willow saw her as a "prop.... some way to keep you weak? To keep you safe?"). Also it must be so hard for Tara to adapt to being back when there are so many question marks (ie where she was, how she can back).



As for Giles yes there is a trust issue in regards to wanting Willow to wear the charm. They both share a common bond in their experience with the misuse of magick, and he feels he is protecting Willow. However, I loved not only "resolve Tara" firmly sticking-up for Willow (ie loved how she called him just "Giles"), I also liked how the Buffy/Willow friendship/trust was emphasized with Buffy pointing out it should be Willow's "choice" in whether to wear the charm or not. Also I am glad the "pendulum" didn't affect Willow (ie she was the one who choose not to cast), but again before this knowledge was revealed Willow feels unworthy. With this in mind, just as Tara points out the magick is "a part of them", Willow needs truly believe in herself (re-build her self-esteem) in order to truly be "whole". Lastly, I am very intrigued with the Willow/Dawn connection, and can't wait for the next part!

.

JennY, thanks for your response!



VampNo12, I have to give credit to Ruth for suggesting that Buffy needed a larger role in that last scene; I don't think she was even there in the first draft, but she needed to be.



As for the colors, well, TromDeGray also pointed out to me that the red/white/black of that dream correspond to three stages or colors of the goddess: white for the virgin or innocence, red for the mother or birth, and black for the crone or death. I hadn't seen that at all, of course, but I love it...this idea that in this dream or vision...although it's more like a memory...Tara is experiencing herself in complex ways.



And TromDeGrey, thank you for your e-mail; it's strange that the posting didn't work, but your ideas, as always, are so intriguing, especially the color imagery. Thanks so much for that.



Thanks for reading.

Edited by: Tulipp at: 9/8/02 7:34:11 am

My distinct pleasure, my dear. I'm still irritated that I couldn't post it all here though. Public praise is the best kind for writers. I really think the spell check got me. I didn't think you would know about the colors, but it struck me right away. A lot of people have talked about your word 'braided'. It really does evoke beautiful imagery. I didn't say much about Dawn in my email because I really don't know what to say. She's become a very intriguing character. I look forward to the next installment!





Edited to add: As for the reunion? The best part was realizing my ex-husband gains weight like a woman. It's all in his hips!!

"Live or die, but don't poison everything..." -Anne Sexton

Edited by: TromDeGrey at: 9/8/02 9:38:17 am

Wow Tulipp that was awesome, tha bathroom scene made my stomach twist all up into little knots. Tara's fears about being just a prop to Willow were very powerful as was Willow's disappointment when she thought that the pendulum had controlled her. I am glad that Buffy told Giles to back off and let Willow choose and I am glad that the old Willow is back, the one that wants to try.



And I liked the end with Dawn nice little cliffhanger that I am not sure I can figure out. I just think there is a connection between Willow and Dawn. I'm looking forward to finding out what it is.

-----------------------
You know, it's a real deal relationship and that's why people can relate to it
Amber Benson

It's to do with subletting.

----------
"Squish. Squish. Squish."

I think when this fic ends - does it really have to end? - I may actually experience physical withdrawal symptoms.



The bathroom scene was exquisite, I loved the idea that Tara would think she was a prop in some way, and Willow immediately becoming the comforter despite her own pain of moments before was wonderful.



And I loved the colour imagery, especially the white, with the paper and ashes. That really gave me a sense of Tara having been through a complete lifetime - starting off as a blank sheet of paper, but finally being left as ash. Wonderful.



Thanks so much for this

Willow...It's Glenda in a bubble power, not Margaret Hamilton on a bicycle power

Wonderful. I think I really enjoyed Tara standing up for Willow. She trusts Willow and she was not going to accept any other alternative. See Tara wouldn't be there, in Willow's life, sharing her bed if she didn't trust her. And I think that was sleazy not even telling Willow that the pendulum was there to warn others. Geez.

- - - - - - - - - - - -
Tara and Willow

Accept NO subsitutes

Another fascinating update, Tulipp. The use of colors was brilliant in the beginning. I really felt Tara's fear over being real. Very intense. Loved Tara sticking up for Willow and geez, you are just making me love Buffy in this story. I've been wanting to see this from her on the show since season four. Thanks!

*****

She's my everything!

Once again, a wonderful, wonderful update (and hey! Riley-free! Just how I like my fic!) Seriously though, I love how you keep making me want to just kill myself but then you bring me back and make me smile. THAT'S what season 6 was missing. But you have just the right amount of angst.



You amaze me!



Snipp



-------------------------------

She settled for second best and so she found me - John Wesley Harding

Trom, public/private…it’s so nice both ways. The pleasure is all mine. But thanks for it. I will reply! And I have been book shopping, you’ll be glad to know.



Puff, I’m so glad. Not about the knots, but you know what I mean. I felt like some of the initial shock was wearing off, and once that happens, all kinds of deep hurts would start to itch.



As for the connection, what do you mean? Do Willow and Dawn know each other? Sorry, couldn’t resist. I just never get tired of that. And apparently I’m not the only one. , um Ruth.



BoredNow99, oh, it is ending soon. And then I won’t know what to do with myself. I like your idea about paper and ashes….that gives me a lot to think about. But yes, think Willow needed to be snapped out of that lingering self-loathing, and of course, we all know that the way to get to Willow is to go through Tara. Sigh. Thank you.



Xita, thanks. I like Tara getting…not exactly protective, I guess…more supportive. It’s all about trust at this point, and almost everyone is there.



Tiggr, me too about wanting to see a kinder, gentler Buffy. Just…me, too. It’s about time, I think. And Tara…that’s her now.



Snipp, I’ve heard the best cure for vascillating emotions is to write parodies of television shows that have gone bad. Um, I heard that somewhere. So off you go then. And yes, no Riley here, but I’ve decided that my next fic will be all Riley. *nods.* *shakes head.* *nods.* *shakes head.* (just doing a little Eddie Izzard tribute). *nods.* *shakes head.* *nods.*



Thanks all of you wonderful kittens. You make this so much fun. Every. Single. Time.



*shakes head.* *nods.*

You forgot the wide eyes and the smirk.

She settled for second best and so she found me - John Wesley Harding

Another amazing update. The bathroom scene was heartwretching especially after Tara's dream. I'm glad you addressed Tara's own fears over their relationship, especially in reaction to Willow's own fears and I especially loved, "It’s just…I thought it was me. I thought I…I finally did something right, something worthy of you."

-------
Yeah, 'tis the season. Whatever that means.
Insist upon yourself and never imitate. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

Tulipp,



Having lurked here for several weeks reading your story, now might be a good time for me to delurk and say what an AMAZING fic! (And I normally can't stand fanfic, so that's a big complement.) I have really enjoyed this story and can't wait for the next update.



Now, if I were in any way intelligent, this would be the place to make a few comments on things like imagery or symbolism or characterization or foreshadowing or any of those other artsy-fartsy terms. But you know, I was never that good at English (the literature, not the language). All I know is that I like your fic. So I'll leave it at that.



oh, p.s. It's nice to hear people say "I loved the bathroom scene!" for a change .....

~~~~~~~~


"We're just ... stupid." -- Buffy, on Season 6
Check out my Buffy videos at http://www.pipsqueaky.com

Edited by: Pipsqueak at: 9/8/02 11:48:28 pm

Tara acknowledging that she was alive when she heard Willow. I thought this was a wonderful way of showing how strong the connection between them is. The evidence of Willow being there meant that Tara was too. I really love the way you describe that connection as "braided". Such a beautiful image.



I'm not sure how I feel about Giles not telling about the pendant's purpose. He probably did think he was doing what was best for Willow. He's not really in a position to judge though, as his view of Willow is that of a small child. He should have trusted her more, or perhaps have told Tara or Buffy about it.



Tara confirming her trust in Willow was so heart-warming, and so essential for Willow to regain her sense of self-worth.



Tulipp, thank you. Amazing, as always!

Adding up the total of a love that's true, multiply life by the power of two
Indigo Girls

great update

Dude, we're surrounded by perverts!

Fucking Windows 98, get Bill Gates in here!

2nd place??? That's just a fancy term for loser!

I like your thought about Xander jilting Anya because he was afraid of losing his Scooby family, especially since Anya is the least accepted member of the group and more than a bit possessive.



I think Tara is expanding who her family is. First, Willow, then after Buffy died, Dawn, and finally in season 6, I think she added Buffy too. Giles I'm less sure about. I think she'd like to have him as a father surrogate, but I think her bad experience with her own father and brother have left her a little untrusting of men. I don't think she's really tried to get close to Xander perhaps because of his close connection to Willow.

--
"Omnia mutantur, nihil interit. "   "Everything changes, but nothing is truly lost."