Fic: The Naughty Witches and The Phantom Menace
Author: FroggyFrog
WebSite: www.FroggyFrog.com
Synopis: 11th ficcy about the escapades of a couple of Naughty Witches.
Inspiration: trish.
Distribution: It's free!!
Feedback: Starvefront.
Warning: This fic contains genetically modified words that the surgeon general claims could be hazardous to your health. Please read wearing sunglasses, fishnet stockings and a leather-trim wimple, in plain view of a public web cam.
Disclaimer: I didn’t write this. I found it under a rock in the garden.
--
Buffy heard the sound again. A crash. From the abandoned warehouse ahead. She saw a light shine through one of the windows. Curious. Nobody should be there at this time of night.
Buffy sniffed the air cautiously. The air didn’t smell dangerous, so she inhaled deeply.
Buffy jumped the wire fence and crept silently to the lighted window from which the light alighted, and peeked in. She gasped.
In the center of the warehouse, right in the middle of the huge floor, centrally located with the building, was a woman. A rather tall, rather pretty, rather blond haired woman, in a rather shiny, rather silky and rather red dress. She looked very upset, her face twisted in rage. She was concentrating all of her attention on a robed man tied to an unrobed chair, which was also in the middle of the room. Although it wasn't the same middle-of-the-room that the woman was in, because then the woman would be standing on top of the man, or vice versa. Which wasn't the case. Suffice to say, both people shared a moderate space roughly in the middle part of the room.
As Buffy watched, the woman appeared to get more and more irate, and suddenly without warning and totally unexpectedly she predictably shoved her hands right into the skull of the man before her. Bright light shone from the man’s head, and the woman seemed rather happy with whatever it was that was happening.
Buffy wasted no time. She adjusted her jacket and checked her hair and makeup in the faint reflection of the window, then burst through that window, into the warehouse. She tucked herself into a tight ball, rolled skillfully across the floor and stood up. Buffy then checked her makeup and hair again. She grinned. Not too shabby, she thought.
The woman in the red dress stared at her in astonishment.
"Who the hell are you?" she said politely.
Buffy faced her, ready to fight.
"Your worst nightmare!" Buffy said.
The woman looked confused. "You mean, you're a plaid dress and low-heeled canvas shoes?" she said.
Buffy winced at the viscous taunt, but remained calm. She was the Slayer, after all, and was trained to deal with such things.
Buffy attacked the woman. She ran directly at her and leaped in the air, spinning rapidly for extra effect, and landed a perfect spin-hook kick against the woman's face.
"Hey!" the woman said, miffed.
To Buffy’s astonishment, the woman didn't look to be hurt at all.
"That hurt!" The woman said.
Well, looks can be deceiving.
Buffy ran at her again, halted before her and began punching the woman repeatedly in the stomach. The woman watched her with a somewhat bored look on her face, and reached into her pocket and pulled out her compact.
After five minutes of continuous punching Buffy began to tire.
"Boring." the woman said, applying one last dap of lipstick and then folding away her compact. She grabbed Buffy by the back of her jacket and threw her twenty metres across the room, where Buffy slammed into a wall, inconveniently but appropriately located at the edge of the room. She fell to the ground and rolled around, groaning.
"Oh, my jacket!" Buffy wailed in agony. “My jacket!”
The woman shrugged and walked over to Buffy.
"Have you seen my key?" she said. "They took it! I need it now!"
Buffy struggled to her feet. She reattached them, and then stood up.
The woman stared at her closely.
"Hey. Do you know you look different when you are fighting?" she said. "Kinda tougher, bigger. Different hair even.”
“What?” Buffy said, confused.
“Well..” the woman said. “It’s almost as if somebody keeps exchanging you with somebody else, just to do the fighting bits."
Buffy dusted off her trousers.
"I'm sure I don't know what you mean." she said, trying not to pout. “I’m a good fighter, truly I am!”
"Hmm.. never mind." the woman said. "Not important. What is important is my key!"
"Your what?" Buffy said, confused.
"My key! They took it from me!" the woman said. "Do you have it?"
"No. I don't." Buffy said. "Who are you?"
"Oh, sorry! How rude of me. I'm Whorificus." the woman said. "But you can call me Whorey. And I want my key now!"
"Well, I don't have it." Buffy said.
"Then you, young street walker, will...DIE!" Whorey said, dramatically.
She kicked Buffy in the stomach, sending her across to the other side of the warehouse, where she slammed into the other wall and slid down it. She rolled on the floor once more, groaning, clutching her aching leather jacket.
Whorey looked at her and frowned.
"Or perhaps not die." she said. "Ah well, doesn't matter. I've gotta go. Sleepy now."
She walked out the warehouse door and was gone in seconds. She was also gone in minutes and also in hours, because she didn’t return to the warehouse for.. oh.. let’s say many days. If at all.
Buffy crawled over to the middle of the room, where the man still sat still on the stool. She looked up at him. He was dead. Or he was very good at sitting on a chair, bleeding profusely and not breathing or making a sound.
--
"So then this woman ran off - obviously intimidated by my Slayer strength - wailing about her stupid key." Buffy concluded.
"Wow." Xander said. "You got your butt kicked bad!"
"Well, she is incredibly strong!" Buffy said, crestfallen. She paced back and forth and wringing her hands together. "Obviously a god. A very very pretty god. In a sexy red dress.. where was I? Oh yes, I mean, who else could toss me around like that ? Demon ? I don't think so - no sir I do not. Nope. Must be a god."
Xander sat at the table in the magic shop. Beside him sat Anya, who sat opposite Tara who was next to Willow who was diametrically opposed to Giles and Anerkyn.
Buffy stood before the group.
"And she's after some thing.. a 'key'."
"Key?" Giles said.
"What.. Like C-sharp?" Anya offered. "Or G-flat?"
"I don't know." Buffy said. "But she said somebody - 'they' - had taken it from her, and she was very angry."
Willow hit the table with her fist. Everybody stared at her, surprised.
"Well, that's sounds really naughty!" Willow said. "Taking a key from somebody who needs a key."
"Oh yes, it does, honey." Tara said. She filled Willow's glass with champagne, and then topped up her own glass. "What a bad thing to do to poor Whorey."
"Tara? I never mentioned her name." Buffy said. "How do you know she was called Whorey?"
Tara looked up innocently at Buffy and smiled. "Champagne?" she said, helpfully.
"No. Tara. You know her name." Buffy said. "How do you know who she is?"
"Who?" Tara said, innocently.
"Whorey!" Buffy said.
"Whorey? Tall, blonde girl? Red dress, cute lippies?" Tara said.
"Nice hips?" Willow added. "Sexy butt?"
"Yes! That's her!" Buffy said.
"Never heard of her." Tara said.
"Me neither." Willow added. "We've never seen, heard, or played with anyone like that."
Buffy frowned at the two witches. "Willow.." she growled.
Willow bit her lip. She looked sideways at Tara. Who looked askew at her. Tara looked obliquely at Buffy, who returned her look directly.
"No, it's true!" Tara said. "Never. And .. and we certainly didn't duct tape her to the dining table!"
"Nope." Willow said, sipping her champagne. "Never did that. Whorey said we shouldn't do that - insisted even - so we didn't."
"It wouldn't have been right." Tara said. "Totally impolite."
"Totally." Willow said. "And after all, the kitchen table was much better."
"Oh yes. It was much better." Tara agreed. "Closer to the pantry and the fridge, eh Willow?"
“Mmm.” Willow mmm’ed. “yummy butter. And syrup.” She smiled, and her eyes misted over mistily, as fond memories filled her head.
Buffy stamped her foot. It now had "sold" on it in big, inky red letters.
"I don't believe it!" she said. "You two! What have you done?"
"Who?" Willow said, her face blank.
"Where?" Tara said.
"Which?" Willow offered.
Giles shifted uncomfortable on his chair. He then realized he was sitting on the statue of a Mayan fertility god. However, he decided to leave it in place and try to enjoy the experience.
"Willow! Tara! You, erm.. you really should.. that is.." Giles began.
He didn't finish. Unless that was all he was going to say. Which is unlikely but not totally impossible.
Willow stood up, a hurt look on her face. She pointed an accusing finger at Giles, then at Buffy. Then at the floor. She looked puzzled because there was nothing interesting on the floor to point at. So she pointed her finger back at Buffy again.
"How dare you accuse us of stealing Whorey’s key and then transforming that key into Buffy's pretend brother Anerkyn!" Willow said.
Buffy slumped in her chair. Anerkyn, a small blonde-haired chubby-cheeked boy who just happened to be Buffy’s brother, looked shocked for a split-second, then grinned inanely.
"What?" Buffy said, dumbfounded. "We never said anything of the sort!"
Giles frowned and peered over his glasses. Which was awkward because he'd left them on the table.
"Willow? Tara?" Giles said in his sternest of stern voices. "What have you two done?"
"Um.." Willow said. She looked around the table. "Um.. we have to go now."
"Um.. Yes." Tara said. "We have a date."
"Actually, we have a whole bag of dates, dearest." Willow said. "And some chocolate."
"Mmm! And fudge topping!" Tara said, excitedly.
"Yes!" Willow said. "And it's Tara-cake day!"
"Yay!" Tara said, clapping her hands gleefully.
"So we have to go now." Willow said. "So.. bye!"
Willow waved her hands expressively, and a massive blue cloud of very small orange smokey stuff billowed from under the table and engulfed the two witches and everybody else at the table.
Everybody coughed violently.
When it cleared, Willow and Tara were sitting at the table, giggling.
"Hee hee!" Willow said. "That was fun.. Bye now!".
She snapped her fingers and both she and Tara disappeared.
Buffy stood motionless for a second without moving, frozen momentarily and devoid of kinetic energy whilst standing still. Then she stared at her brother.
Anerkyn looked back at her, a stupid grin on the small boy's pudgy face.
"Look, sis. I made a protocol droid out of the refrigerator." Anerkyn said, pointing at the protocol droid made out of a refrigerator that stood next to him. "I call him D4QP."
"Anerkyn Summers! You idiot!" Buffy said, angrily. "All the ice cream is gonna melt now!"
"But sis." Anerkyn whined. "It's really cool. It can speak Botchy, and talk to the binary evaporators. And he can help us fight against the Empire."
"What the hell are you talking about, Anerkyn?" Buffy said.
Giles approached Anerkyn and waved as small device near him.
"Hmm.. Anerkyn's midachlorian count is off the chart.." Giles said. “I’ve never seen readings this high.”
"What does that mean?" Buffy said.
"I've no idea" Giles said. "Umm.. it sounds really, er.. interesting though, don't you think ?"
"Erm. No." Buffy replied. "Come here, Anerkyn. We're going home."
She grabbed Anerkyn by the ear and dragged him out of the magic shop.
--
“But I want pizza!” Anerkyn cried.
“No.” Buffy said. “You had pizza yesterday.”
She and Anerkyn walked down the streetlight-lighted main street of Sunnydale. Lots of people were milling around and talking loudly, to make the scene more interesting.
“But I need pizza!” Anerkyn wailed. “I’ve gotta have energy for the Pod race tommorow!”
Buffy stopped and looked at the small boy.
“Do shut up with all this nonsense.” she said, waggling her finger at him.
She dragged him by the hand down the street, searching for a nice, quite place to have dinner.
They passed a very expensive-looking French restaurant, which was somewhat out of place in Sunnydale. In fact, Buffy had never seen the restaurant before. She was certain a dentist’s surgery was supposed to be here. She’d had her teeth done there two days ago. However, the restaurant was here, crowded and busy.
“Oh look!” Anerkyn said excitedly, running to the window and sticking his face against the glass. “It’s Aunty Willow and Aunty Tara!”
Buffy groaned. Of course.
She looked through the window and saw the two witches, sitting at a table near the window. The table was piled high with food, and both witches were laughing at something. As usual.
Anerkyn dashed into the restaurant before Buffy could stop him. Which is obvious really, because if it was after she could have stopped him she probably would have, in which case Anerkyn wouldn’t now be inside the restaurant, which he was. Buffy followed him inside, without attempting to stop herself.
A waitress confronted Buffy at the restaurant’s entrance.
“May eye ‘elp u Madam?” she said, in a thick Antarctic accent.
“Erm.. My brother.. he’s..” Buffy began. She looked inside and saw Anerkyn sitting at Willow and Tara’s table, stuffing his face with cakes. If only he’d put them in his mouth, thought Buffy.
“I’m with those two.. erm.. women.” Buffy said, pointing at the witches’ table.
“Oh, oui! Les witches n’orte!” the Waitress said. She led Buffy to the table, where Buffy took a seat and sat on it in a sitting position.
“Oh! Hello Buffy!” Willow said. A small smear of chocolate was evident on the edge of her lip. “Want to join us for dinner?”
“Dinner?” Buffy said cautiously. “As in, eating the food on the table here. And nothing else? No hanky panky? No handcuffs? No duct tape?”
“Hmmm.. handcuffs.” Tara said dreamily.
“Oh bother.” Willow said, her lower lip quivering slightly. “Well, for now, just eating, then.” She sipped her martini.
Buffy picked a small pastry from the mass of foodstuffs in the center of the table and put it on her plate. She nibbled at it. It tasted safe.
“So.. tell me about Whorey.” Buffy said. “And the key.”
“Who?” Tara said, innocently.
“Oh please, not again!” Buffy said. “Whorey!”
“Erm.. well.” Willow said. “Okay, we’ll tell you.”
“But.. only if you come around tonight for supper!” Tara said.
The color drained from Buffy’s face. Supper. That meant..
“Erm.. that is..” she began. “I’m still sore from the fight with Whorey, and I don’t know if I’m up to .. erm.. supper with you two.”
Tara pouted. A small black cloud formed over her head, complete with little lighting flashes and tiny echoes of thunder.
Buffy sighed. “I’d be delighted to join you for supper.” she said. She’d survive. She always had. Slayer strength had its uses. And she’d recently discovered a particularly effective ointment.
“Oh goody!” Tara said, happily. Willow looked overjoyed too.
“YAY!” she squealed. She downed her martini in one gulp. She looked disappointedly at the empty glass, looked around the restaurant and waved to the waitress. The waitress winked at Willow and waved back. Willow was satisfied by this exchange and turned to Buffy.
“Erm… Whorey?” Buffy said, remindingly. Remindingly is not a real word, but pretend you didn’t notice.
Willow tried to look serious, but couldn’t do it. So she grinned instead.
“Whorey is our very good friend.” Willow said. “But she was bad!”
“Oh, very bad!” Tara agreed. “Naughty.”
“She had to be punished.” Willow said, happily. “So we punished her.”
Buffy looked puzzled. Which was appropriate because she was puzzled.
“Okay. You, er.. punished her.” Buffy said. “But the key. Tell me about the key.”
“Oh, it’s a key!” Willow said. “A real, plain old key.”
“A little golden one.” Tara added, helpfully.
“And..” Buffy said. “What’s it the key to? What does it unlock?”
Willow giggled.
“Whorey’s chastity belt!” she said.
Buffy nearly choked on her pastry.
“Her what!?” Buffy said, astonished.
“The key is for Whorey chastity belt!” Willow said. “That was her punishment.”
“It was only fair.” Tara said. “She shouldn’t start playing without us. She was so very naughty.”
“So we put a chastity belt on her.. and hid the key.” Willow said.
Buffy coughed the rest of the pastry out of her lungs.
“I see.” Buffy said. “And you turned the key into Anerkyn?”
“Yes.” Tara said. “We hid the key, in human form, and gave it to the Slayer to protect.”
Buffy frowned. “Why?” she said. “Why not hide it on a beach as another grain of sand? Or put it in a safe deposit box? Or under the soap? Or something else? Anything else!”
“Oh, this was much more fun.” Tara said.
“Yes. Much more!” Willow agreed.
“Fun?” Buffy said. “You call this fun? Giving me an annoying little brat of a brother!?”
“Heehee.” Willow said, giggling. “Yes, that’s it. It is funny.”
Anerkyn looked up from his plate and looked at Willow, then Tara.
“You two are Jedi’s, aren’t you?” he said, solemnly.
Buffy frowned frownily.
“And where did you get him from?” Buffy said. “And what the hell is he talking about?”
Tara tried to stop laughing. “Well, we saw this movie.. Erm.. Star Trek - The Panty Menace… or something like that.” she said.
“Hee hee.” Willow said. “Oh that’s it, yes. And it had this little boy in it. And we didn’t like him, so we said ‘Let’s hide the key in a pretend version of that little boy, and then give him to Buffy as a pretend brother’. So we did!”
“Oh god, why?” Buffy said. “Why!?”
“Um, we were drunk, as I recall.” Tara said.
“Oh yes.” Willow said, seriously. “Very, very drunk.”
“Blind.” Tara said. “Absolutely blind.”
“Couldn’t even stand up.” Willow said, happily.
“I see.” Buffy said.
“Yes, and well Whorey’s had it on – the belt, that is – for over a year now.” Willow said.
“And so she’s a little tense, perhaps.” Tara said.
“And is eager to have it off, so to speak.” Willow said, grinning.
Buffy thought carefully, and looked at her little pretend brother, stuffing is fat face with chocolate éclairs.
“And what would Whorey do to someone who had the key?” Buffy asked.
“Oh, probably something very very bad.” Tara said.
“Oh yes.” Willow said. “Unless they handed the key over, of course.”
“Oooo.” Tara said. “Then she’d be very, very grateful.”
“Grateful?” Buffy said, suddenly quite interested.
“Extremely grateful!” Willow said, winking at Buffy. “And she knows how to show her gratitude..”
“Oh yes.” Tara said, dreamily. “And all her other parts too.”
Buffy sat, wide eyed, in complete silence for a few moments. A trace of drool slowly dribbled from the side of her mouth. She slowly came to a quick decision.
“How?” Buffy said, nodding at Anerkyn.
“Oh.. just prick him with a pin.” Tara said.
“Yes.. he’ll just deflate and turn back into the key.” Willow said. “Probably. He might just bleed.”
Buffy got up. “Come on Anerkyn!” Buffy said. “We’ve got to find someone!”
She quickly left the restaurant, dragging the boy behind her.
Willow downed another martini.
“Hmm.. feeling good.” she said.
“Me too, honey.” Tara said, grabbing Willow’s hand.
“We did a good thing for Buffy.” Willow said. “She’ll love Whorey.”
“Oh yes.” Tara said. “She will.”
“We’d better go now.” Willow said.
“Oh, yes!” Tara said, excitedly. “We can’t be late!”
“Yay!” Willow said. “I’m sure it’s going to be a lot of fun.”
“Oh yes.” Tara said.
She wriggled her nose and transformed instantly into Whorey.
“Lots of lovely fun!”, Tara said.
Willow growled.
“Oh goddess, you look good in a red dress, Tara!” Willow said, hungrily.
“Why thank you!” Tara said. “I may keep it on for a while, if you like!”
“Oh yes please! But.. don’t forget to swap with me if you get tired.” Willow said, threatening to pout.
“Sure, darl.” Tara said. “I’ll always share Buffy with you.”
She waved her hand and both the witches and the whole restaurant disappeared in a pink cloud of purple spotted smoke-like smoke.
… fin …