Poetry by aladdin

[aladdin]

The "almost kissing" scene in Tabula Rasa inspired me in part for this poem. I'm a beginner so tell me if I suck..just please give me some proper reasons, OK?

Close

Your breath is tickling my neck
and your body, laying on mine
soothing me with its weight.
Your eyes are so stormy and green. And mine.
And you look at me like
it is the first time.
I brush away the hair,
curling on your forehead
like a curtain of silk.
Right then, I knew I couldn't be without you
and that I'd worship you forever.
No thinking, no speaking
just this feeling of safety,
of being at home when in your arms.
Your lips move, they smile.
Green looks at me with such joy.And fear.
Why fear?
And we just lay there and it's enough.
We both know that we
have all the time this world gives us.
Just close. So close.

[Wiccagrrl]

*definitely* doesn't suck. Very nice. Captures the mood perfectly.

[Anya's Necklace]

You are in *NO* way sucky! That was beautiful. Keep up the good work

*hugs*
~AN~

[Scout]

Wow, that was beautiful. I love poetry on the board. Thanks so much for posting it!

[emily 'first']

Yep...Nowt wrong with that,methinks.

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vive,valeque.

[aladdin]

thank you so much :-)
I'm glad you liked it...and I agree, I love poetry on the board. Hope, somebody posts some more soon.

*sigh* I'm relieved.

[Kath]

Beautiful.

[xita]

Ahh that was very nice, beautiful in fact. If you have more of your poetry post in this thread and I'll change the thread title. Keep it up, sigh, you really nailed it there.

[aladdin]

quote:

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Originally posted by xita:
Ahh that was very nice, beautiful in fact. If you have more of your poetry post in this thread and I'll change the thread title. Keep it up, sigh, you really nailed it there.

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Thanks xita, it's nice to see you liked it because I really appreciated your fan fics, especially "Quirky".
Yes, I'd like to post some more of my poetry here but I just have to warn you that the later ones are utterly depressing. Wrote them after I watched "Tabula Rasa"...not particularly uplifting.
It would be great if you changed the title. I will try to find the guts to post another poem..I'm just never sure if they are good enough.

quote:

[miss_spangles]

Hey, I really like this. You capture the mood really well

[aladdin]

I decided to post a new poem before I run off for Thanksgiving...kinda angsty. Hope you like it. Any kind of constructive criticism more than welcome. And I really thought about the words I used..I see tons of double meanings. But maybe I'm just nuts.
I cannot tell whose POV this should be. I see references to Willow and Tara as well.

xita..if you read this, can you maybe change the thread title, please, like you already offered it. That'd be great.

******************************
The shade of your voice (it's a working title, I'm searching for a better one)

The shade of your voice
when we just made love
is beyond words for me.
Held and reflected by you.

The shade of your voice
after hours of laughter.
I fall in love, over and over again
every night, every day, always.
Words that once said it all.

The shade of your voice before danger arrives.
So honest, brave and scared.
Who will protect you now?
And me.

It's losing it's beauty, this world
if I can't share it with you.
At the end, you didn't even have words.
Your eyes cursed me, still, loved me.

Every morning after dawn
and shortly before sunset
I miss you most.
Silence surrounds me.

*******************************
Endnote: Baroque binary forms inspired me immensely.

[emily 'first']

Sorry...Can't critique that,just too good.

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vive,valeque.

[This message has been edited by emily 'first' (edited November 22, 2001).]

[aladdin]

quote:

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Originally posted by emily 'first':
Sorry...Can't critique that,just too good.

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OK...this comment just melted my heart. I just read that, thanks so much!

[This message has been edited by aladdin (edited November 29, 2001).]quote:

[tommo]

Poetry is really hard to write, despite what the length of the form suggests. You have succeeded in blending some really great imagery here without distracting the reader from the overall theme.

In a word - excellent. Heh.

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"Yeah, cheers, thanks a lot." ~ Patsy Stone

[Spell Gal]

Wow...these are both so amazing...I can finally read stuff set after Tabula Rasa now... and I am very glad that I read these...

I love poetry :+)

But I don't know why you'd want a different title for The Shade of Her Voice, as the image that very sentence evokes is so powerful and so perfect...

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And how long have you known that your girlfriend's Tinkerbell?

[aladdin]

quote:

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Originally posted by Spell Gal:
Wow...these are both so amazing...I can finally read stuff set after Tabula Rasa now... and I am very glad that I read these...

I love poetry :+)

But I don't know why you'd want a different title for The Shade of Her Voice, as the image that very sentence evokes is so powerful and so perfect...

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Wow, thanks, Spell Gal. If you love poetry, why not post some of your pieces here? Thanks again for the soul stroking..poems are a part of me, so it's hard to tell their quality, I think and it's just wonderful to see that others like them as well.

Actually the title is The Shade of Your Voice but either way, the meaning does not change. I'm not sure about the title because despite I like the image it creates, it also restates what is already said in the verses.

That's like Britney Spears "singing" this horrible, horrible song "Oops, I did it again" and repeating this message all over and over again. Well, that's a VERY bad example but you get what I wanna say, do you?

I'm usually not the effusive type but...consider yourself hugged.

Ala

Edited to delete English grammar confusion.

[This message has been edited by aladdin (edited November 30, 2001).]quote:

[Xanadu]

As a major poetry lover, let me say, those poems were both beautiful! If only I could write that well Keep at it, you couldn't be farther from sucking!

[Spell Gal]

Ooops, sorry, I meant The Shade of YOUR voice...really...

And there is nothing wrong with repetition. It can help to hold or focus an image, or bring you back to a previous image...I actually think that repetition works really well in poetry, so I thought it just helped to evoke the image to begin with by using it as the title...just my opinion though :+)

And as for my stuff, I posted a couple of them here last week :+)

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And how long have you known that your girlfriend's Tinkerbell?

[aladdin]

quote:

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Originally posted by Spell Gal:
Ooops, sorry, I meant The Shade of YOUR voice...really...

And there is nothing wrong with repetition. It can help to hold or focus an image, or bring you back to a previous image...I actually think that repetition works really well in poetry, so I thought it just helped to evoke the image to begin with by using it as the title...just my opinion though :+)

And as for my stuff, I posted a couple of them here last week :+)

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I read it now so don't dare saying you're not a good writer, OK?

Thanks for telling me your opinion, I think I'll stick to the title as, well, why change it if I like it? There's no need to make things more complicated than they already are, right?

Yes, I actually think that repetion works in a poem..like in a piece of music but it should be variated not just repeated. It should give the poem a new insight or at least develop it.

Understand what I mean?

quote:

[xita]

I have changed the title!

Another great poem there. The last line... sigh.

[aladdin]

quote:

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Originally posted by xita:
I have changed the title!

Another great poem there. The last line... sigh.

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thx, xita.

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"Willow, Tara I never knew you had a fetish for chocolate wrestling …to… Abba music?! Whatever turns you on I guess!"quote:

[Rane]

umph! why are my posts being eaten?! i evenm quoted some lines and i wrote, ala, how i never liked poetry before and now i do cause you all are such great writers and now i'm cranky cause of the post eating monster in my computer! grr, argh!

falling in love over and over was a great line!

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TARA- We're forgetting about the troll. Let's pay attention to the troll.

[Spell Gal]

quote:

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Originally posted by aladdin:
Thanks for telling me your opinion, I think I'll stick to the title as, well, why change it if I like it? There's no need to make things more complicated than they already are, right?

Yes, I actually think that repetion works in a poem..like in a piece of music but it should be variated not just repeated. It should give the poem a new insight or at least develop it.

Understand what I mean?

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You're welcome :+) And why change it if it works :+)

I know what you mean about repetion giving new insight, or developing something, and I agree that in some cases it should, but I also think that both are valid. What I mean is that to simply repeat something is okay if that is the intent..Something like to bring you back to an original idea if you have developed a new one in the previous verse or something I don't know, it might just be me!

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And how long have you known that your girlfriend's Tinkerbell?

IP: Logged

aladdin
Cool Monster Fighter


Posts: 200
Registered: Nov 2001 posted December 02, 2001 11:56               

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quote:

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Originally posted by Rane:
umph! why are my posts being eaten?! i evenm quoted some lines and i wrote, ala, how i never liked poetry before and now i do cause you all are such great writers and now i'm cranky cause of the post eating monster in my computer! grr, argh!

falling in love over and over was a great line!

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*does a little happy dance*

well, thanks, Rane.

*shouts to Spell Gal and Kerrister*: "We turned another one!"

Don't be cranky, put a smile on your face...if you're not happy your face will frown and that will bring everybody down so don't worry...be happy! Or so..

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"Willow, Tara I never knew you had a fetish for chocolate wrestling …to… Abba music?! Whatever turns you on I guess!"

IP: Logged

Kath
Sassy Eggs


Posts: 721
Registered: Jun 2001 posted December 07, 2001 06:00               

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There should definately be more poetry on the board, I do like to read them.

IP: Logged

quote:IP: LoggedaladdinCool Monster Fighter


Posts: 200
Registered: Nov 2001 posted December 02, 2001 11:56               

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quote:

---

Originally posted by Rane:
umph! why are my posts being eaten?! i evenm quoted some lines and i wrote, ala, how i never liked poetry before and now i do cause you all are such great writers and now i'm cranky cause of the post eating monster in my computer! grr, argh!

falling in love over and over was a great line!

---

*does a little happy dance*

well, thanks, Rane.

*shouts to Spell Gal and Kerrister*: "We turned another one!"

Don't be cranky, put a smile on your face...if you're not happy your face will frown and that will bring everybody down so don't worry...be happy! Or so..

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"Willow, Tara I never knew you had a fetish for chocolate wrestling …to… Abba music?! Whatever turns you on I guess!"

IP: Logged

posted December 02, 2001 11:56               

quote:

---

Originally posted by Rane:
umph! why are my posts being eaten?! i evenm quoted some lines and i wrote, ala, how i never liked poetry before and now i do cause you all are such great writers and now i'm cranky cause of the post eating monster in my computer! grr, argh!

falling in love over and over was a great line!

---

*does a little happy dance*

well, thanks, Rane.

*shouts to Spell Gal and Kerrister*: "We turned another one!"

Don't be cranky, put a smile on your face...if you're not happy your face will frown and that will bring everybody down so don't worry...be happy! Or so..

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"Willow, Tara I never knew you had a fetish for chocolate wrestling …to… Abba music?! Whatever turns you on I guess!"quote:IP: LoggedKathSassy Eggs


Posts: 721
Registered: Jun 2001 posted December 07, 2001 06:00               

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There should definately be more poetry on the board, I do like to read them.

IP: Logged

posted December 07, 2001 06:00                There should definately be more poetry on the board, I do like to read them.

[aladdin]

quote:

---

Originally posted by Rane:
umph! why are my posts being eaten?! i evenm quoted some lines and i wrote, ala, how i never liked poetry before and now i do cause you all are such great writers and now i'm cranky cause of the post eating monster in my computer! grr, argh!

falling in love over and over was a great line!

---

*does a little happy dance*

well, thanks, Rane.

*shouts to Spell Gal and Kerrister*: "We turned another one!"

Don't be cranky, put a smile on your face...if you're not happy your face will frown and that will bring everybody down so don't worry...be happy! Or so..

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"Willow, Tara I never knew you had a fetish for chocolate wrestling …to… Abba music?! Whatever turns you on I guess!"quote:

[Kath]

There should definately be more poetry on the board, I do like to read them.

[nika]

Well Al all I can say is there is NO suckage here. Very nice poetry, I love poetry like yours very real and moving.

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"Eat lot's of applesauce, preferably fed to you by attractive young lesbians." Amber Benson

[aladdin]

A & A, love ya.

I love feedback, so go ahead and write some.

********
Set somewhere in Season Four. And again, looking for a better title.

Trust

You make a
quick touch of hands,
a brief brush on my forearm
so much more important
so much more real
than two bodies
pounding against each other in sweat.

I never knew
I could look forward to your
smile a whole day.
Daydreaming about this little angle
on your upper lip
that makes me shiver.
We can talk and our souls are touching,
more that anything else,
we have time.

It’s too early.
We can’t admit, not yet,
first to ourselves.
Still, I know where to surrender,
the sweetest of defeats.
My home is wherever your head rests,
my heart will stay with you,
no matter where you turn.
Will you ever know?
I feel you, I always will.
It’s trust. It’s eternal.

[This message has been edited by aladdin]

[This message has been edited by aladdin (edited February 23, 2002).]

[aladdin]

I'm not posting this under the pervious one because I don't know, I'm not putting Nirvana and Abba on the same tape either. If that's a problem, feel free to edit. It's not like I'm ruthlessly collecting posts to take over the kitten board.

No program this time. It applies to two W/T situations, actually. I was told it was confusing. And I agree.

Paralyzed

Webs by red spiders of pain,
spun inescapable
threaten to suffocate me casually

Long hairy legs of fear
all over my skin, sucking me out
three miles above the ground

Soaked feelers rejoice over
making me cry soundlessly
savoring the sweetness of my panic.

While you stand outside, waiting?,
I hear a pencil scratching paper
a big field of sunflowers

When I'm pleading for you help, inwardly
she's standing there, considering to pretend
Her lips tense

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On ne voit bien qu'avec le coeur. L'essentiel est invisible pour les yeux.

[emily 'first']

Had to read that carefully,but I think I get it now...Unusual imagery you're using there Aladdin.
****
(There is fresh snow on the ground
I can see where you've been walking,
and I follow in your footsteps...)

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vive,valeque.

[Aria]

I like. I like!

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Piffle