Couples: W/T course!
Spoilers: Events up to ‘Wrecked’ have happened
Archiving: Course… just let me know, K?
Feedback: Pretty please with chocolate sprinkles and Alyson on top! Have been writing for a while but have never dared post before, so let me know what you think, good or bad, or I’ll run back to my hole and hide!
Disclaimer: Joss is God, Amber and Alyson are Goddesses, Mutant Enemy and UPN own all. I just play.
Notes: Major angst to start with… but I live in a happy rainbow-coloured world and all comes right in the end! Plus, I promise snuggles!
Her Eyes - Part 1
She stood slowly, feeling utterly drained, and pushed herself out of the armchair. The armchair had been her hiding place for the last few weeks, curling up in it and reading, pretending the rest of world had gone away. She could immerse herself in books and lose her sense of reality in the stories she read. Films and television had never been her escape; it was always books, always books. Libraries were her temples, churches; great silent places where no one could touch her or disturb her peace. She had first discovered libraries when her mum would take her as a tiny child and they would find books to read to each at bedtime. But later, when her mother was no longer there, libraries were places to hide in, to find silence in a world full of shouting and pain. She shut the book reluctantly and headed for the door, wondering who was knocking. Dawn? Or maybe Buffy? Or... something instinctive made her wonder and her mind raced rapidly...
“Hey.” Willow. She was here. Tara suddenly found her heart was beating too fast, too loud. Willow must be able to hear it surely, pounding so fast it must jump out of her chest any second.
“Hey.” Red eyes, with dark circles around them, and she’d lost weight. She looked so beautiful, so battered, so frail. Tara wanted to simply open her arms and take her to her breast and hold her, kiss her, until it all went away. She hadn’t been prepared for how much it would hurt to see her again. The desperate longing that was washing over her was overwhelming her, it was too much.
“Can I come in?” Willow was almost whispering. Tara nodded dumbly, stepping out of the way. She drew in a sharp breath as Willow brushed past her, skin touching skin for the briefest second, and she felt Willow do the same. The electricity, the flashing sensations rushing through both of them again, as strong as it had ever been. How could this woman reduce her to this? How could one person make her so totally incapable of thought, of rational action? She felt as if she was back at being the old Tara, the one Willow had found and taken and brought out of herself. When they’d first met, it had been like this. Awkward, bumbling, terrified, electrified, excited and desperate to be with each other, all at once.
“I know I probably shouldn’t have come... and I know you probably don’t ever want to see me again, and Buffy and Dawn said you were OK, that you were moving on and that college was going well and you had a place... and it’s a nice place...” Tara smiled a little as Willow drew breath to look around the room approvingly, “I like it... it’s very you, Tari... but I had to come, I just had to see you, I couldn’t stand it anymore and my life without you is just horrible, I can’t think of anything or do anything or eat anything without you being there, you’re just in my head and you won’t go away... not that I want you to go away, you know,” Willow hastened to add quickly, “but I need you, Tari, I need you in my life, and I’ve been trying so hard, and it’s been so difficult but I haven’t used magick for nearly a month now, except…” she gulped but ploughed on, “but I nearly did so many times, but every time I wanted to, you were there...”
Tara stepped forward and cupped a hand round Willow’s cheek gently, stopping the redhead in full flow. “Willowbabble...” Willow’s face lit up with a tiny hopeful smile, and Tara suddenly realised her hand was on Willow’s cheek. The action had been instinctive, a force of habit that still happened without thought. She stepped back quickly and the hope faded from Willow’s face, leaving desperation in its place.
“Tari, please... I need you, I can’t do it without you.”
“Will, I know, I can’t do it without you either. D-Dawn’s been keeping me updated. I know how hard you’ve been trying, how well you’ve done.”
“It’s been so hard....” Willow looked as if she was trying hard to hold back tears suddenly.
“I’m so proud of you, baby.” She tried a smile but it came out crooked.
“Really? You’re proud?”
“Of course I’m proud. I know how hard the thing you’ve done is.”
“It was, it was so hard...”
“It’s not over yet. You don’t shake off the pull of dark magick just like that. You’re over the worst but it will always be there, always trying to pull you back, Willow.” Willow’s eyes clouded over and the tears spilled over this time, pushed their way out of red-rimmed eyes that looked as if they’d cried all they could cry. Tiny beads of pain rolling down her cheeks. Tara’s hand crept up to wipe them away as they reached her jaw. Soft, fleeting touches that made the pain catch tightly in her gut, the physical knot that had been building there for so long. That had become a weight she had to carry around since that moment in the sewers, when she had woken from a bad dream to find Willow had lied and deceived, again. Willow’s hand was on hers, her hand on Tara’s fingers in a tentative clasp, while her eyes asked, begged to be allowed to hold.
“Please... Tari, I know how badly I screwed up, and I know how much I hurt you. But can I... can we...?” Tara sighed, closing her eyes for a second, and her mind flashed back to all the hundreds of scenarios she had dreamed of in the last month, the dreams of her reunion with Willow. In her fantasies, it had never hurt this much. It was always soft kisses and easy forgiveness. But this, this was pain; raw, agonising hurt, and her mind was screaming out that she couldn’t go through any of this again. She couldn’t bear hurt like that ever again. It had broken her and she wasn’t sure if it could be mended. Not even by Willow.
“Oh, Willow... I want this. You know I want this. But I don’t know if I can. It hurts too much, Will...” her voice broke a little on the last words, and she dropped her eyes from Willow’s face and pulled her hand back to her side. Hiding, always hiding, back away, disappear into the background, hope the pain won’t find you...
“Tari... don’t hide from me.” Willow’s hand gently but insistently pulling her chin up, making her look into her eyes. “You can’t hide from me. I won’t let you.”
There was silence between them and Tara simply stared helplessly into the green eyes that had so mesmerised her when she had first looked into them, and so terrified her when she had seen them blackened and spewing anger and darkness.
“Tara, I love you. I know you love me. We belong together. You complete me, and we don’t work without each other. Don’t run away from me, baby. Please?”
Suddenly Tara felt the anger rise. She had fought with so many different emotions in the last month, but anger had been a frequent visitor. Rage at the woman she loved; anger so potent it had scared her; anger that she knew was simply her pain converted into something that was easier to bear.
“You don’t get it, do you, Willow?!!” She never yelled and it sounded strange. Willow almost cowered before her, but she didn’t… couldn’t stop; she had to say it. “You can’t erase this!! I can’t just put it to one side and forget about it! You didn’t just hurt me. You broke me, in every way it’s possible to break someone. Life without you I can’t even start to think about. I don’t work without you, Will, but you took what we had and tore it up, shredded it into tiny pieces. You chose magick over me!” She gasped, struggling for breath, fighting the emotion that threatened to engulf her. “You messed around with memories that I’d only just gotten back from Glory. You hurt people I care about. I lost you, just like I lost my mom. You took the trust I’d only just learned to give again and you tossed it away! How do I just forget all of that?! Tell me!! How?!!!”
Part 2 later, kitties...
------------------
"Appalling. Almost as if they no longer believe money can buy happiness..."
