On Second Thought

[jixer]

Hello Kittens-



Ow. Failure hurts, and rarely just those who fail.



Oz failed a critical, painful test of manhood. He used both his real and imagined pain as an excuse for the abuse of power and thought Willow would understand his pain (resist urge to put in emoticon with growing snoot). He may find a way back to the light, but the growing up, not growing silent or 'cool', that would be needed means he's going to have to face something much uglier than the wolf. But can he admit to himself he has done evil?



And he did it to the one person who might have been able to help him and would have if he had simply been a man and asked.



Then Willow is facing the cost of denying her true nature. She's seen two people she loved hurt, and since she's Willow, she'll most likely be waking up in the middle of the night, wondering "if only...". Tara's wounds will scar her to her soul.



What about Tara? She is going to be so needed by so many people, not just Willow, but Buffy who needs to see a rescue turn out well to give her strength of will to fight on against the darkness. She can help Xander grow up and be totally non threatening while she does it. But then I remember though that she now has the stuff of nightmares on top of her lovely family's gifts. Tara is strong but will she be strong enough?



And I can't help but remember she was hurt by a werewolf.



"Even a witch who is pure of heart

and says her prayers at night....?"



But what really bugs me is that Mary isn't being sensibly supported by a wealthy patron so we're going to have to WAIT!! Would someone please get her a winning lottery ticket so we can avoid that horror!





Thank you for the update. More, please?



Jixer

[AntigoneUnbound]

Hey Kittens—As ever, your feedback is incredibly thoughtful and encouraging. I hope I manage to let you know how much it means to me.



So…some general notes first. I was struck once again (figuratively, that is) by the reactions to Oz’s behavior and, by extension, how I wrote him. Here’s what captured my fancy about making Oz a heavy in this story: I envisioned him as having convinced himself that his dark side—especially the animalistic, violent aspect—was a function of the werewolf affliction. I’ve always had this idea that Oz, even before the wolf bit him, wasn’t as entirely dispassionate and ironic as he presented himself. (Clearly, that’s an individual road that I went down, and one that I certainly don’t assume everyone else shares.) When Oz was trying so hard to find a way to control the wolf, my vision is that he allowed that split to take hold within him: the wolf was the source of any violence and rage he might feel; the "real" Oz was a gentle, wry soul.



And that’s a theme that has always captured my imagination: the lure of attributing everything "bad" within us to some outside force AND creating this internal dichotomy between our "good" selves and our "bad" selves. I see the two as existing on a continuum; my own experience has been that those things I see as "good" within myself can, under certain circumstances, be wielded to hurt other people or myself or at the very least take me away from the path I most want to walk.



That’s why it felt important to me that Oz’s behavior clearly reflect his very human choices and failures. Oz most definitely crossed a line here. ("Um, thanks for the news-flash, Mary.") At the same time, he didn’t kill Tara. I’m not going to say that he didn’t take her with at least some measure of intention to do so; however, he wasn’t holding her to bait Willow—he had no idea that Tara would be able to communicate her whereabouts. He hurt her terribly, and did so with full knowledge of his actions…and yet it was never clear to me that he would ultimately kill her. (Feel free to share any thoughts you might have about the fact that I wrote the guy and I didn’t even know quite what he was going to do…)



One of the biggest challenges of this update was putting words in Oz’s mouth—a challenge we all face, I think, whenever we give Oz more to do than arch his eyebrows and make wry comments. My choices regarding his dialogue are a reflection of the above split that I envisioned within him. Specifically, I think that once he threatened Tara in her room, he knew he had crossed a line and the only way he could justify his actions—to the limited but still-present degree that his mind dictated—was to keep reliving the betrayals he had experienced; keep up a running commentary on how he had been wronged. I found myself remembering times in school when I needed to shore up my courage (or stubbornness) for some act that I knew, deep inside, was highly suspect for some reason. I would do so by repeating the same persuasive argument over and over so that I basically didn’t risk inner quiet which would lead me to rethink and quite probably recant my initial decision. I also found myself remembering "Wild at Heart," when he first locked Veruca in the cage with him and then—imagine it!—babbled to Willow the next morning in what I thought was a pretty self-serving, rationalizing kind of way. ("I know—I’ll lock the object of my lust in the cage with me! I…I have to! Not my fault!") And though I may be arguing semantics, I was disconcerted in "NMR" when he told Willow in the van that she was the thing that brought out the wolf in him. I guess, as much as anything, those moments piqued my irritation with him for abjuring personal responsibility. It also bugged me that he never expressed remorse, even in passing, for that whole "I tried to kill Tara this afternoon" incident.



Whew…Sorry if that turned into more explanation than you wanted. Clearly, I had some energy for the issue of good and bad as something other than antonyms. I have to say that I was just blown away (see initial paragraph re: figurative expression) by the depth and quality of various people’s observations and musings on Oz’s character. In particular, I really encourage all of you to take a close look at comments from VampNo12, Sela, Tulipp, JD Cioffi, Stereo 33, and Vixer if you haven’t already done so. Any chance we could find some equidistant location for all of us and have a big ol’ discussion about morality? I’ll provide the coffee!



And finally…I expect to add two more installments to this fic, one of which involves Tara turning into a werewolf and running off with Oz. (OK, not really.) I’ll post the first of the two either late tonight (Thursday) or early tomorrow, or on Monday night when I get back from my partner’s. And thanks, so much, to everyone who said they’d like to see more fic from me. It brings a wee blush to this country girl’s face…



And now, for some individual responses:



>>DW: Hope you got caught up on the sleep! Any adjectives you wanna toss in are fine by me! Thanks.



>>Sonya: Ha—I loved the image of your schedule "coming clear." Gotta prioritize, right? Yeah, I enjoyed writing the "little prick" lines, too…And please, Fair Lady Yourself—you are too kind in your praise! There just ain’t never nothin’ wrong with gushin’, I say! Thanks a lot for the support.



>>VampNo12: What can I say? Your mind and its workings really illuminate these pages…Not just of this fic, but others, b/c I’ve seen other feedback you give. Do you write anything? B/c if so, I’d love to read it. I’m relieved, quite frankly, that Willow’s emotions felt real to you: I was trying to walk a line b/w her panic and her growing ability to do what has to be done. And you get, I suspect, the dilemma I faced in having Tara give Willow her location: her first and abiding instinct would be to keep Willow safe. You nailed the two things that were able to change her mind. I’m glad they didn’t seem hokey or contrived. You know, I grappled with where to have Oz take Tara; I’m far more comfortable writing emotions and dialogue than I am the "facts" of a story, but when I can remember that each informs the other, things tend to work out. Finally, I wanted Willow to have some tangible sense of just how bad things were for Tara; not that she didn’t know Tara was a hurtin’ pup, but Tara intentionally refrained from giving details. I wanted a final "push" for Willow’s reactions upon reaching the factory. As ever, your feedback is just incredible; I hope I manage to convey how much I appreciate it.



>>Deixs: Aw, you knew I wouldn’t let anything TOO bad happen to our girl! Thanks.



>>Grimlock72: And there’s the question: what to do w/ Oz? Perhaps that werewolf petting zoo that Tara’s mom used to take her to…Thanks for the good word!



>>Hush: Hey, what stats are you taking? How did the test go? God, I hated that part of my grad work…You know, I think I share your thoughts about when Tara came up with the names…I think she’s seen her life entwined with Willow’s since they met, and now, hearing Willow basically concur with that, she keeps her spirits up by taking that thinking as far as possible. And I agree about the choice factor: do we let our best selves drown in the worst of times? Or do we find the most noble parts of ourselves and bring them to the fore? Thanks a lot for your kind words.



>>Mollyig: Glad the tension worked for you; it felt like a tricky balancing act to maintain. And yeah—I’m definitely writing Buffy as she used to be. Thanks!



>>Snuggle79: It’s fun when Buffy’s fun—isn’t it? She used to be so enjoyable…Thanks a lot for your continual feedback and support!



>>Sela: As ever, your thoughtful observations help me understand this story even more. You capture some critical aspects of Oz that I also envision: his moral complexity, his sincere battle to do the right thing; and—most damningly—his choice to use violence to deal with his strongest emotions. And you’re right—who doesn’t love Tara? Willow…oh, yeah, I definitely had some feelings about her moving into a decisive, "you-can’t-please-everyone" place. She had excruciating choices to make—and she made them. I was especially taken with your description of Willow’s head/heart battles. I think she still struggles to believe that she deserves to be happy, and not just dutifully serve some higher purpose. Thanks, Sela; and yes, I hope to write more fic after "OST" is done.



>>Tulipp: I gotta say, I was beaucoup relieved to hear that the Oz POV was necessary for part 7. As you probably inferred, I really wrestled with that. Your explanation helps me understand WHY it was necessary, which helps my writing process in an ongoing way. And you’re right: Tara won’t let Willow feel her fear. (By the way—"Relax mojo" has just captured my fancy in a way that’s difficult to articulate.) Your comments about the use of repetition within Oz’s mind is also helpful to me in understanding WHY something works. Thanks for your kind words about my own words; and isn’t it ironic that Oz—he of so few words—was destroyed beyond words by Willow’s words? Finally, I like your commentary about Buffy’s moral code and its nuances and decision-tree. Thanks, as always, for your amazingly insightful and educational observations.



>>Allyson: Oh, I share your love of that one line: "You smell like her…She’s all over you; do you know that?" It was such a fantastic combination of dangerous and erotic…I’m glad you like this story; thanks for writing!



>>Zahir: As you could tell from the general notes, the matter of writing Oz in this installment really did pose a conundrum for me. I get that he just doesn’t ring true for you in this depiction. As far as Buffy and Willow’s actions go, I didn’t see them as abandoning all feeling or compassion for Oz; instead, they prioritized what they would do based on (a) who was in danger from whom; (b) the severity of that danger; and (c) Willow’s love for Tara. I think that if the person I loved most in the world were being brutalized by someone else, my focus would narrow to her—regardless of who the other person was or had been in my life. I don’t assume, in this depiction, that Buffy or Willow were gung-ho to kill Oz, but the priority was clear: if things became violent, Tara’s well-being was to be the defining goal. And finally, I appreciate the kind things you said about my writing; I have found that the Pens board has a number of excellent writers, yourself among them. I have to admit, though, that I found your closing line to be somewhat surprising because it felt so declarative in nature. Perhaps my code of subjectivity is out of place here, but I usually feel more comfortable couching my critiques in terms of my personal opinions. So…I may have misread or misconstrued your words, and if so, I apologize. I just wanted to let you know where I was coming from. Please let me know if I’ve offended you in any way; it certainly isn’t my intention! As always, I appreciate the thoughtfulness of your reply and the encouragement you offer. Thank you.



>>Hey JD: You can use all the verbose-ness you want to with me! Your thoughts are always illuminating and well-written. So…what kind of ideas would get you typing again? Hmm…You and Sela definitely have similar thoughts about Willow’s development into a more decisive person. It was fun to write her that way. (And hey—I heard something about her mojo-moment with the guy a couple of weeks back; gotta say, I’m not all that distressed about not getting UPN in my area these days!) You’re dead-on about Oz: his rationalization is like the one given by a man who beats his wife and says he was "out of control": he certainly didn’t punch his boss if said boss offended him, did he? No; he knew exactly when he could get away with it. Glad you liked the "ball-breaker" moment: I didn’t want to write a protracted fight scene. I envisioned it as Oz doing his ranting and rationalizing, Buffy warning him, and then Buffy serving him notice via knee in gonads. Plus it was fun to write! And yeah—I definitely distract myself in difficult moments, and what better way to distract yourself than by imagining a family with the woman you love? JD, you rock! Let’s kick some ideas around about a story-line for you b/c girl, I like your words!



>>BV: Damn good point about love spurned: Hell hath no fury like a guitarist scorned, eh? Thanks for writing.



>>Karen: As you could probably tell from my general notes, I definitely enjoyed playing around w/ Oz’s dark side. And his choice to change, as you observed, was what made him so ominous to me when I thought about it. And goddess, it’s just always so enjoyable to write our girls…they deserve to be in loving hands like ours, don’t they? I’m glad the good thoughts were helpful! Sounds like things are a bit better; I certainly hope so. Thanks a lot for writing!



>>DMW: Yeah, I didn’t want to get real graphic. I wanted folks to know that Tara was in a world of hurt, but I didn’t want to be gratuitous. And you capture what I hoped to convey in that moment that Willow and Buffy enter the room: one look at Tara, and everything else fades to black. You should definitely listen to Tulipp’s ideas on writing—the girl knows a thing or 200. Thanks a lot for writing.



>>LittleCrazy80: Hmm…what WILL happen with Oz? Tune in whenever…thanks!



>>Insanity: I think Tara just never loses her own wry perspective; it’s just harder to see at first b/c she’s so shy! Thanks for keeping up with this!



>>Ruby: Oh goddess, Ruby, I just have to know: in the early paragraph where Willow plucks Tara’s hair off the pillow, did I use "lain" correctly? You can’t imagine my angst as I typed the sentence…I’m so relieved that the language o’ love that our girls share—as written in this here story—seems believable to you. And oh, yeah—they’re definitely sexy…among the other things you noted! Thanks a lot for the help on the grammar, and for your kind words!



>>Grimaldi: Hey, good question on the hatred percentage issue. What do you think? Thanks for the feedback!



>>Nickole: So you want some more W/T lovin’? I think that can be arranged…Thanks for writing!



>>Jixer: Wow…you have the heart and soul of a philosopher, don’t you? Your point ("Failure hurts, and rarely just those who fail") is so poignant in its truth. You’re right: to heal, and succeed, he’ll have to face something far more terrifying than his werewolf aspect. And I especially liked your observation about Tara being the one person who could have helped him. We all tend to see her as a kind of universal healer, don’t we? I think you’re right as well about Tara’s wounds scarring Willow to her soul…I think Willow has the most incredible disproportion where her sense of responsibility is concerned: when something good happens, she rarely takes credit (or at least she didn’t back in the day); when something goes wrong, however, she immediately blames herself. You really have a keen sense of Tara, it seems…I see her in a friend of mine who has 3 children and whose husband suffers from a chronic illness. I remember asking her once, "When do you have the option of being sick, or tired, or just a little ‘off’?" She had no answer, and it broke my heart. And as far as the wealthy patron is concerned…I’ll consider any offers! And tell me, Jixer—what are you writing right now? Gimme a heads-up, because I’d love to check it out!



***Whew (she said for the second time that night)…Lots of words, for lots of fantastic Kittens. Thanks, everyone, and my apologies if this constituted more of an explanation than any of you ever wanted to read!



I’ll be posting the next part either later tonight/Friday morning or Monday night.



Thanks,

Mary

Edited by: AntigoneUnbound at: 11/14/02 9:12:55 pm

[tkheaven]

Incredible story. I honestly didn't expect for Oz to react the way you've written him but while reading the 'why' I found myself nodding in agreement. This is a step closer to the Oz we haven't seen. I do believe after NMR he did have control but just couldn't deal with the rage and anger for Willow leaving him. Letting the wolf out on occassion made it more believeable, for me at least. I can see this as his venting (I'd just be sure not to piss someone like that off).

I was wondering what would happen to Tara now that she's been marked by a werewolf. please continue

Tk's new and improved "GrrArgg"...Tk's Heaven

---

"I've become really protective of her. I want to make sure if Tara comes back, it's for good reason." -Amber Benson

[Vampivy]

Well Mary basically I’m just letting you know that I still enjoy reading your story very much. With chapter 8 at first I was a little taken by surprise with Willow’s reaction about how to handle Oz once they found him and Tara.

That whole “"His life is secondary to Tara’s safety” Thing.

I thought about it long and hard and I figure he lost all trust and respect when he chooses to take Tara and hurt her the way he did. First instinct for me would have been to say the same thing, his life becoming secondary to Tara’s safety, but later after having enough time to let everything sink in, well I’m not 100% sure I would have felt completely comfortable with my decision, should it have turned out differently. If I’m not mistaken Oz was Willow’s first love, right? We tend to put our first love on a pedestal regardless of how good or bad the relationship ends. I still don’t understand that completely. Why some of us do that. There just special I guess. Don’t get me wrong Tara would definitely be my first priority, but god what an awfully predicament that would be to be put in. I’m just glad Tara’s safe and back where she belongs.

(Please disregard previous statements if they did not make sense to you).

I loved how Buffy kept Willow on check when she was clearly losing it after Tara went missing. It’s nice to have at least one level head around when the shit hits the fan.



All in all this Fic is top notch and I love it all, the good the bad and the ugly. Not That I ever found anythind bad about it.

The thing I loved the most is that it made me laugh here and there. I was so into it that on the first run I cant believe I fell for the “Schwinn Demon” line.

(Dammit! Yes I am such a shmuck) it wasn’t till I read the “Lady Schick Demon” line that I figured it out.

(YES FUNNY HAHA!) I choose to blame this on the fact that I wasn’t feeling well and I took some cough medicine and apparently they put codeine in it now and I was all woozy and feeling very uhmm… not focused and stuff. So there.



I understand this story might be coming to its conclusion soon, and that’s cool. I’m so gonna miss it. I wish it could go on so much longer, but I understand that all good things must come to an end. I hope you continue to write say other W/T Fanfic, maybe, here for us kittens. If not possible, I hope you at least continue to write, period, because your talent is too good to go to waste. As they say somewhere out there “Share the wealth”.



Thank You So Much Mary for all of it...



Patty

[hush30]

Wow, I thought the time, effort, and the insightful observations you put into writing your fics was incredible but you also achieve this with your feedback responses. How do you have the time and the energy? Anyway the stats I'm doing is for a Psychology honours degree (don't hold this against me). With regards to the exam I may have pulled through by the skin of my teeth



I think one of the main reason I enjoy your fic so much is that you delve so deeply into the thought processes behind the character's actions and you are able to express that in a way that is fun to read (unlike research journals where their goal is to make an interesting topic as boring as possible). With someone like Tara who is introverted it is easy for people to think less of her because she's shy and doesn't say that much around others. What they tend to forget is that the whole time she is around others she is thinking and processing and trying to make sense of why they are doing what they do. That's what I loved so much about Buffy, the show, (prior to season sux of course) is that on the surface it just seemed like a kids/teenager show but the messages, the acting, the humour, and the way they understood human nature was at a level not many other shows reach. I feel your writing reaches this level.



Anyway looking forward to your next update as always .

"I think this line's mostly filler" - Willow in OMWF

Edited by: hush30 at: 11/18/02 4:34:04 pm

[Sister Bertrille]

Since we’re talking gonads, I sort of shot my wad on my last comment. And I’ll never get my wings (25 posts), if I keep turning everything into a seminar paper! So short and sweet (as if!)…



I love the name “Amanda,” but I am a sucker for participles! As for Tristan, well, we all know what terrible things happen to him (thank God for them, though, as they were the only things that kept me awake in my Medieval French class). Given the “crazy,” supernatural love triangle in your story, it’s a clever reference. Ain’t nothin’ like a little intertexuality to get the juices flowing!



As for Oz (and not the fabulous Emerald City one, or the homoerotic men’s prison one – oh, wait, they’re the same…), what terrifies me most about your depiction of him is just how human and not animal he is. Taking Tara back to the scene of Willow’s first “betrayal” of him, chaining her up, slowly torturing her, his whole “I’m going to hurt you both the way you hurt me” casuistry – it struck me as eerily similar to many of those disturbingly planned domestic violence horror stories we read and hear about so often, but with fangs and claws. I mean, a snake or a tiger is going to kill you and eat you without much fanfare (house cats and Kipling notwithstanding!) and certainly without all the chatter; it is Oz’s need to editorialize on his own cruelty that is truly chilling to me.



I also second others’ praise for the way your Willow finds both her voice and her strength and becomes, as my friend Gretchen likes to say, “a bitchin’ girlfriend.”



I’m a Pepper…



SB

[SilverWingedNemesis]

Hey. Just stopped by to read some responses and see if you had an update up yet. I can't wait to see what happens next. I absolutely love this fic. I've been with it since the beginning, and I want to say sorry for the very few replies.

forgive me? I hope so!!



Thanks again for this fic!



~NICKOLE~

[AmberEyedDragon]

Everytime I read a chapter in this fic, I'm always struck by this need to try and tell you how much they affect me, how much they hit home. I always feel like I have so much to say, and I need to find a way to communicate it to you...but I have no words. Theres no way I could ever get out how amazing this story is. Your last update brought me to tears..((and right before I had to head to school to...grr... ^_~)) So...yeah...I'm going to go read them all over again now. ....Yeah...*smiles shyly and backs away*



~Sara

We don't need their shallow popularity; we'll build our palaces in the dark and beautiful places they forgot to look.

[xita]

I think people are free not to like characterization, many times I have disagreed with the sympathy towards vampires some writers show, but if I do express myself I make sure not to let my dislike of a plot or character development affect my comments in regards to a writer's talents.



Keep those kinds of comments to yourself. There is a difference.



I love this fic, i myself am not so comfortable with this oz, but the horror is affecting me, and he did attack Tara, so it's not that farfetched. It's an interesting struggle, I tend to think of it as a kind of oz, after all this is AU.

-------------------------------

Buffy?

Let's change it, the Discovery channel has koala bears.

[ennui24]

Dear Mary,



I just wanted to say thank you for your story. You have written what is, in my opinion, the best story I've read that begins with the question, "what if Willow chose Oz in NMR?"



I think you've taken the man/animal or "good person with a dark side" analogy that I always assumed Oz's character, with his werewolfy-ness and all, was supposed to represent (if they had ever actually developed his character on the show) to an interesting place.



Thank you for sharing your talent with us. I look forward to reading the rest of this story, and the other stories to come.



Anna

[EffieBlue]

This is an excellent story, I've enjoyed every update. Thank You.



I think anyone who is writing fanfic should be allowed to write the characters as they see them, after all, we all view from our own perspective. (with of course the basic proviso that Willow and Tara are with each other and not W/other or T/other or even W/T/other...as I know there are on some fic sites.).



The perspective of the writer is what makes each different fic exciting to read even when old episodes are re-done, or resurrection/back together ideas are used that may have been used or hinted at in other fics. there is always some characterisation that the author puts in that to them is unique and should be respected as the way the author sees it.

That said, it doesn't mean you have to like it, but you should respect it. I have read many stories where the characters differ not one iota from the Buffyverse according to mr whedon, but the story sucked. And I've read embellished characters and the story was great. My point being, what i have hated others have loved it all depends on your perspective.



As for how Oz is written here, I think it's great. When Buffy could hear everyones thoughts it was Oz's thoughts that most suprised her, he said little but in his head he never stopped analysing or talking so who knows what would have gone on inside his head if Willow had chosen him in NMR and then had "Second thoughts".



I love this story. my one problem being.... MORE UPDATES!



Jill.



************************

"Of course you don't fancy Angel, That's cos you're a Lesbian..." My daughter to me in front of her friends in a cab office..when discussing Angel as we waited for a cab home.

[AntigoneUnbound]

A few musings, meanderings, and ruminations… As I noted before, lots of people had various reactions to how I wrote Oz. I think that a number of people found his actions more comprehensible (not to say excusable) after I had written a lengthy explanation. But therein lay/lie/lain/done got laid the problem: truly effective writing doesn’t need a user’s manual. In looking back over Part 8, I think I rushed the episode and didn’t sufficiently flesh out aspects of Oz’s internal justifications. I was impatient, and thus the dramatic climax of the story wasn’t as effective as it could have been. It’s especially disappointing because my climaxes are usually quite good.

Beat. Two. Three.

Anyway, there will be one final episode or installment; that will be posted tomorrow night (Tuesday).

And for you particular Kittens who have responded since my last posting…

]]TKHeaven: What a great icon! Where’d you get it? I think you’ll find the answer to your particular question in this installment. Thanks for writing!

]]Patty: I think the fact that you had to struggle with Willow’s decision (how should they treat Oz at the factory?) speaks to the impatience I noted above. A couple of extra sentences could have made it clear that Oz’s life wasn’t being considered expendable or unimportant, but rather secondary, if it became violent, to Tara’s well-being. You were definitely not the only one who wrestled with what seemed like a rash or heartless decision on Willow’s part. I’m glad you liked the demon jokes—they were fun to write. Thanks a lot for writing and for following this story!

]]Hush: Omigod…stats for honors psych? Oh, you’re taking me back down a traumatic academic avenue, woman…Are you into factor analysis? Chi squares? Canonical correlations? (I’m still not sure what that last one is, but I do love the rhythm of the term!) You’re definitely on my wavelength where Tara’s introversion is concerned. I see her as having such depth to her. She feels so much more interesting to me than someone like Xander, whose output seems inversely proportional to the quality of his thoughts. Thanks a lot for writing and keeping up with this fic, and here’s hoping the test went well!

]]SisterBertrille: Hey girl, don’t confuse quality with quantity! Those wings can wait as long as you give the kind of thoughtful responses you do here. Your feedback contained an amazing description of the Oz in this story: his "need to editorialize his cruelty." God…I wish I’d written that! Thanks a lot for your input—it’s fascinating to mull over.

]]Nickole: Here you go! Thanks for being invested enough to check for updates!

]]Sara: Wow, I was touched by your input. I’m glad the characters feel real to you, and believable. Our girls offer such incredible canvasses on which to paint our own thoughts and ideas. Thanks a lot for keeping up with this fic and for sharing your responses. I hope you enjoy the last two episodes.

]]Xita: I totally get your discomfort with this Oz, but I’m glad the horror is creeping home. Thanks for following this story; and as ever, thanks for your incredible work on this site.

]]Anna: You know, it was tough but gratifying—in an odd sort of way—to write Oz’s dark side and see where it led me. Thanks for the feedback and the encouragement!

]]Jill: I appreciate your comments on each person’s right to picture a character and develop a plot according to her or his individual "take" on that character or action. Thanks for taking the time to keep up with this story and pass along the good thoughts.

~~~~~~~

And now, back to our story

Premise: Way the heck back in S4, Willow makes a difficult choice
Disclaimer: Joss and ME own all of these characters, to the extent that it’s possible for anyone to "own" anything in this transient, ineffable thing we call life.
Rating: NC-17
Spoilers: Up to the end of "New Moon Rising"
Distribution: But of course…Please give credit and disclaimer. Thanks.
Feedback: I’d definitely appreciate it.


Summary: Willow initially chose Oz, in no small part b/c she believed he needed her more. It became clear, however, that her love for Tara was only growing. Willow ran into Tara at the Bronze, only to find Tara there with another woman. Willow fled, Tara followed, Big Time Sensuality (to quote Bjork) ensued. Much later, Oz stopped by on an ill-advised whim. He wolfed out, but Tara employed a soothing spell that included, in essence, offering herself to the werewolf while Willow was anchored in a state of safety and calm. After a rather tenuous stand-off, Oz bounded out the door, still in wolf form. The next day, Willow and Tara called a Scooby meeting to talk about the night’s events, a conversation that included Willow coming out to everyone. The meeting ended with the plan that everyone try to locate Oz, using a reasoned mixture of caring and caution. Willow and Tara spent the next day making love and just basically wallowing in each other. Tara sent Willow off for some quality time with Buffy; when Willow’s calls went unanswered, Willow became worried. She and Buffy went to Tara’s room, only to find a mess. Tara was nowhere to be found. Turns out that Oz had gone first to Willow’s room to apologize but then, not finding her there, looked for her at Tara’s room. He was making his way through his regrets, including his intention to leave town, when the phone rang: Willow left a message saying how much she loved Tara and asking her to call. At that point, Oz kept himself from changing—but only in order to get Tara back to his hiding place. In other words, he chose to act in a violent way. Meanwhile, Willow and Buffy managed to find Tara using Willow’s mental connection to her beloved. Tara was hurt but not mortally so. Buffy kicked Oz very forcefully in his testicles. This hurt him quite a bit.

~~~~~~~~

ON SECOND THOUGHT: PART 9

She knew she should be exhausted; she knew she would be exhausted in the near future. For now, though, energy poured through her like sweet wine.

Oz sat across from her at the head of Giles’ table, hands tied. They had trussed him like a Thanksgiving turkey and loaded him into Mrs. Summers’ vehicle.

Tara they had treated far more gently. The gashes were angry-looking, but Oz hadn’t selected any major bloodlines. She wasn’t in danger from loss of blood. It was clear, though, that she would need at least a few stitches. Willow’s primary fear was internal bleeding, judging from the bruises she saw already developing on the fair skin, dark blotches of violet on a pale canvass.

Buffy dropped Willow and Tara off at the hospital, where they greeted Tara’s injuries with the typical "We won’t ask, please God don’t tell" demeanor that characterized most Sunnydale establishments including its fast-food drive-throughs.

"Are you sure you’re OK with—with him?" Willow asked, hesitating at the hospital curb.

"I’ll be fine. I’m going directly to Giles’ place and get some back-up. We’ll hang tight until you get there, OK?"

"OK. And hey, Buffy—about tonight…"

"Yeah, yeah. You owe me. We’ll make sure we enter it in the ‘Scooby Ledger o’ Life-Saving’ tomorrow, alright? Go take care of your sweetie."

Tara’s wounds were painful; would get more painful before they healed. But she required fewer stitches than Willow had anticipated. Her greatest relief had come at the pronouncement that Tara had suffered no internal injuries. The gray-haired, businesslike ER physician, however, decided to keep her overnight for observation.

"What are they going to observe?" Tara complained as they wheeled her to her room. "My sleeping habits?" She was already a bit groggy from the Vicodin.

"They’ll observe me observing you, Baby. I’m going to stay here until you fall asleep, and then I’ll stay a little bit longer just to gaze adoringly upon your sleeping form." Relief, she decided, should be bottled and sold at fine drugstores near her. Even now, well over an hour after she first knew Tara was alive and would stay that way, she could feel the sweet knowledge washing over her, again and again; a long drink of cool water to a woman who had thought she would die of thirst and been rescued at the last minute.

"Are you going to see him?" Tara asked, struggling to keep her eyes open, as Willow stepped back into the room after phoning Buffy with the news.

"Yeah, I think I have to. I have to get some answers. Does that make sense? Is that OK with you?" Willow held her hand gently, planting soft kisses on the palm.

"Just be careful, OK?"

"I will, I promise. Buffy and Giles will be there."

"OK. Just, um…just…" Her voice began to trail away.

"Just what, Sweetie?" Willow bent near to hear Tara’s whisper.

"Just keep the river…to your right. You’ll reach…Omaha…by dusk."

Willow bit back a smile and whispered in Tara’s ear, "I will, Baby. I’ll make dinner reservations at the very swankest Omaha eatery." She looked at the beautiful soul now sleeping peacefully before her, and felt her heart squeeze tightly at the sight. She’s seen enough pain in her life, dammit. She’s way overdue for the good stuff…So I’ll just make darn sure she gets it. She sat back in the chair and gratefully watched the steady rise and fall of Tara’s breathing.

Almost an hour later, she called a taxi and headed over to Giles’ apartment. He answered on the first knock, and pulled her into a warm embrace. Leaning back slightly, he looked at her with gentle scrutiny.

"Are you alright?"

"What scale are we using?"

"Let’s say one to ten, wherein ‘one’ equals ‘Fairly well, thank you’ and ‘ten’ equals ‘Oh, look—the bowels of Hell yawn agape at our feet!’"

"I’m going with five right now, because Tara’s gonna be OK."

Buffy reached her and encircled her in a fierce hug. Willow met her eyes and wondered yet once more what had ever passed for friendship in her life before she met the Slayer. Probably the goldfish, but they aren’t much for the mochas and high adventure.

Over Buffy’s shoulder, Willow could see Oz sitting at the long dinner table, hands tied to the arms of the wooden chair. His head slumped forward; she couldn’t tell whether he was awake or—something else.

"I gave him a mild tranquilizer," Giles explained with admirable anticipation of her question.

"And there’s plenty more where that came from," Buffy added, with admirable anticipation of her next question. "He should start coming back around in about twenty minutes or so."

Willow let herself sink into the soft couch; she sipped the relief one more time, thinking about Tara bleeding and terrified but now safe. Buffy sat down next to her, and slid an arm along the back of the sofa to rest on Willow’s shoulder.

"I gave Giles the Cliff Notes version," she said. Giles nodded.

"It seems quite remarkable, really. Apparently Oz has far more control over his demon aspect than most werewolves do."

"Oh, yeah, it’s quite remarkable," Willow replied sharply. "It’s also horrifying, ominous, grotesque, and a whole bunch of other words that you’d rather not have to use to describe anyone in your social circle." Giles looked duly abashed, and Willow softened somewhat.

"I’m sorry, Giles. Just been, you know…a long night. I mean, we have a lotta long nights, I know; but this one—not so much the years but the mileage, you know?"

"Yes, I suppose I do."

"It’s the control part that’s worst of all, you guys," Willow said after a moment. "I mean, a year ago, even six months ago, that would have been the best news you could have given me. But now, tonight—he could have stopped the wolf from coming out, but he didn’t. He…he let it out like some traumatized pit bull, some wild animal to do his dirty work. I mean, this is Oz we’re talking about. I never, in a million years, imagined he could do something like this." Her eyes filled with tears, and she blinked angrily, not wanting them to come yet because she suspected that once those rains began to fall, there would be some serious flood damage on the way.

"Love can make people do strange and awful things," Giles noted softly.

"Don’t give me that," Willow said, glaring at him. Giles recoiled slightly, clearly taken aback by the force of her anger. "This isn’t about love. It’s about—about…It’s about some other thing that isn’t love, but I don’t know what just yet," she trailed off, in confusion. "Uh, sorry, Giles; at least, sorta."

"No, Willow; you’re actually quite right. I do believe that Oz loves you, but this…This isn’t just some particularly unfortunate symptom of love."

"It’s about control," Buffy said suddenly, and very quietly. As Willow and Giles turned to face her, she continued. "It’s about feeling like you have the right to do a particular thing because you’re hurt or angry or whatever, and nobody gets to do that to you. Nobody gets to have that control over you. So…so you control them." She held Willow’s eyes for a long time. Willow slowly nodded, and rested her hand over Buffy’s.

She saw Giles glance up, his eyes narrowing. Wheeling around on the couch, she saw Oz shifting slightly in his chair, pulling weakly at his ropes as he edged into consciousness.

"How well is he tied?"

"If he gets out of that, it’s because he morphed into a Q-tip," Buffy said decisively. "Giles double-checked the knots, just to be safe."

"Thanks," Willow murmured. "Both of you."

"Yeah, I learned all the good knots in Girl Scouts. Giles here learned ’em at the Manchester Academy of Bondage and Domination."

"Yes, I graduated at the head of my class," Giles responded blithely, attempting to remain unfazed by all the smutty innuendo.

"So you were on top?" Buffy asked innocently.

"Completely. Er, that is…" His cheeks reddened in sudden realization. "Well…Be that as it may, I think we should turn our attention to other matters."

By now Oz appeared to have awakened almost completely. He looked over at the three of them, peering at him with suspicion and wariness; and then his chin dropped to his chest. A groan echoed from somewhere deep within his chest.

Buffy looked at Willow questioningly. "What do you want to do?"

Willow felt a surge of appreciation for Buffy’s understanding; for her forgoing any alpha smack-down inclinations.

"I wanna talk to him. Alone." At the sight of four raised eyebrows, she amended slightly, "Or relatively alone. I understand the danger, guys, I do. It’s just…This feels kinda private, you know?"

"I get it," Buffy replied softly. "How about if Giles and I hang out at the top of the stairs. No eavesdropping, I promise. But that way we can be down here in less than a second; at least, I can. He’ll bring up the rear, no matter what he did at the head before." Giles’ expression defied easy description. Offended, with a side of abject horror, Willow decided.

"And keep this tranquilizer gun in your hands at all times," Giles finally managed, pushing the slender weapon firmly into her grasp. He squeezed her shoulder lightly, then turned to ascend the stairs.

"Willow, I’m right above you if you need me, OK?" Buffy looked at her with concern.

"Hey, we’ve got your knots, your tranquilizer guns…And I just ordered the Ginsu knives; they should be here any minute." Willow tried for an air of irony.

"I mean emotionally."

Willow looked at her best friend. Was it less than twenty-four hours ago that we were sitting at the Espresso Pump happily comparing our love lives? She nodded, and Buffy hugged her again, then headed up the stairs to join her Watcher.

Gripping the tranquilizer gun tightly, Willow pulled out a chair half-way down the table. Oz raised his head and looked at her; Willow could see that tears were spilling down his cheeks and onto the table. Neither person spoke for a perhaps two minutes.

Finally, Willow muttered, "I don’t know where to even begin."

"Willow." The voice was almost inaudible; almost sobbing.

She waited expectantly.

"I’m so sorry."

"Well, then; I guess that takes care of things, doesn’t it?" She hadn’t realized she had such sarcasm within her; even after he had left the first time, she hadn’t realized she could speak with such venom.

"No," he whispered. Silence fell over them once again.

After a moment, Willow asked, "Why Oz? How could you do this?" The words felt wrenched from her with the force of her desperation for an answer, even as she realized that no answer would suffice.

"I was so crazy, Willow." His voice shook. "When I saw you together Friday night, I just went absolutely crazy. But then I pulled it together. I did; I swear. I told you that I was coming to say goodbye. But then I heard your voice on the machine and I just lost it."

"Well apparently you regained it enough to take Tara hostage and—" She stopped, unable to finish the sentence, say it aloud. As it was, it would be playing in her mind for a very long time. "You didn’t wolf out in Tara’s room, Oz; you couldn’t have. You couldn’t have gotten her off of campus without being seen." She realized that her own voice was trembling—with anger, with the terror that still vibrated through her body.

"No. You’re right." He looked at her miserably. "I kept the wolf away until I got her to the factory."

"And then you let it out to play," she finished flatly, nausea rolling up in her belly and threatening to make its way to her throat.

"I know this doesn’t mean anything, Willow, but I wasn’t going to kill her."

She told him with her gaze that he was right.

"I swear to you. Even at the end—I just wanted…I just wanted her to feel half as bad as I did."

"I think you may have over-shot the mark a little bit there, because I’m pretty sure she feels probably two or three times as bad as you did."

Oz looked at her with dread. "Is she going to be alright?"

"Yes, she is. She’s going to be fine, and we’re going to live happily ever after unless some other whack-job nut-case kill-joy decides that he doesn’t want us to." She watched as Oz closed his eyes and seemed to sink inside of himself with anguish.

"Oz…I just can’t understand this. I can’t even start to wrap my mind around this, and I’m not bragging, but considering my mind, that’s saying something. I mean, you’ve always been this quiet, enigmatic type; I’ve never seen violence out of you except when we were fighting vampires and other assorted bad guys. How could you—how could you, Oz, of all people…" She trailed off helplessly.

"For what it’s worth, Willow, I was as surprised as you were." He gave a dry, mirthless laugh. "I always figured that if I learned how to keep the wolf at bay, I wouldn’t have any problem. I’d never known I could feel that much rage."

"Well, we interrupt this self-delusion to bring you a clues-flash: You can. You did." She shook her head. "Oz, why didn’t you leave after Friday night? As close as you came to—" She stopped, remembering that night’s surreal terror.

"I should have; I know. But I wanted to talk to you, Willow. I wanted to say goodbye. I wanted you to know that I could control it; that I could control myself. After everything we’ve been through, I didn’t want your last memory of me to be as the wolf."

"Well if you think that would’ve sucked, consider my latest memory of you: a half-wolf, half-human bastard terrorizing my girlfriend. You really shoulda cut your losses." She shook her head in disbelief.

And then a sudden certainty came to her. "You never really thought you’d lose, did you?"

Oz looked at her, perplexed. "What do you mean? Lose what?"

"Me. I mean, starting two years ago; I was all smitten with the boy in the band. Even when I kissed Xander, I was begging for another chance less than an hour later. And after you slept with Veruca, you knew I still wanted to be with you. You took off for Tibet and points east, having one transforming moment after another with nary a post-card or a phone call to let me know you’re alive, and then you decide to come back and give it another shot with me. And you never, ever thought I’d say no, did you?"

Oz struggled for words. "Well, I thought I had a good chance when Xander said you didn’t have a new guy." He paused, shifting uncomfortably. "But then, after I saw her—"

"Say her name, Oz. It’s the least you can do." She felt her jaw tighten.

"After I saw Tara…" He took a deep breath, and Willow found herself gripping the tranquilizer gun tightly. But there was no change.

"After I saw Tara, and found out you cared about her—I was scared then."

"Were you? I mean, I know you were upset. You made that abundantly clear. But were you really afraid of losing me? I’d been so happy to be your girlfriend; so devoted to you. Did you really think I might choose Tara over you? For God’s sake, Oz, be honest," she pleaded.

Oz met her gaze silently for several seconds. And then his expression softened, and, if possible, grew even sadder. "No. I think that deep inside, I always thought you’d be mine. What a stupid, vain assumption." He sighed heavily.

"Had I ever really given you reason to think otherwise?" She looked over to the couch, where she and Tara had sat the night before. "God, what a great triptych of irony we made…You didn’t think you’d lose; Tara didn’t think she’d win; and I was spending half my time trying to believe that there was a Willow Sweepstakes going on and that there were people who actually wanted to win."

Oz shook his head. "If you had any idea how many times I’ve wished I’d never left…"

Willow looked at him sadly. This probably needed to be said. "Oz, it wouldn’t have made any difference."

"What do you mean? We were happy, weren’t we?" He looked at her with something akin to desperation.

"Yeah, we were. But I still would have met Tara, and—and things would have changed."

"You don’t know that."

"Yes I do, Oz. I’m sorry, but I do. I was definitely happy with you, and I definitely loved you. But—but I can’t imagine ever meeting Tara and not falling in love with her." She sighed. Even after the horrific events of the day and evening, she had no real desire to inflict pain for pain’s sake. Tara was alive, would recover; retribution was unnecessary. She couldn’t imagine ever forgiving him; then again, Tara was the one he needed to ask that of. Vengeance, though…she didn’t have the energy for it. She wanted to get back to Tara. But at the same time, she wouldn’t be an accomplice to a misguided regret. Oz needed to know that regardless of his presence, she and Tara would have met and fallen in love. If anything, that would have been even more painful. Looking at him, she could see his own thoughts and feelings flickering in his eyes.

"God, what a total fuck-up," he muttered. "I still can’t believe everything I did today." His shoulders sagged heavily, and Willow could hear his breathing grow ragged.

"You have to believe it, Oz. Because you did it. You took Tara to a factory and chained her up and beat her." Willow heard her voice shake. "You say you weren’t going to kill her—maybe you were, maybe you weren’t. But even if you weren’t, you did something terrible, Oz; you hurt another person, horribly, and you did it on purpose. It wasn’t the wolf, it was you. And you’d better find a way to wrap your mind around that pretty quickly, or you’ll do it again."

"Never," he rasped, looking at her in anguish. "I could never do that again."

"See, that word is gonna get you in trouble, Oz, because you could do it again. If you don’t want to, you’ll have to make the choice not to. You told me before you left that the wolf was in you, all the time. Well you’re in you, too, all the time, and apparently there are some dark, musty corners you haven’t wanted to see in a while and they’ve gotten really, really dirty." She paused to take a breath, and looked at him intently. "I don’t know if you’ll find the answer in Tibet or a church or therapy or where, but you’d better find it, Oz. Find it, and deal with it."

They both fell silent once more. Finally, Oz looked at her. Grief seemed to echo off of him, out of every breath he took and released.

"Do you hate me? Do you feel anything for me besides hate?"

Willow met his gaze, and in it she saw a wry, caring guitarist who had given her a witch Pez; who had taken a bullet to protect her; who had risked his life innumerable times in the name of good. She saw someone who loved her, had told her and shown her how beautiful she was to him. She saw someone with a brilliant mind and a generous spirit. And she saw someone who had kidnapped her beloved, keeping her terrified and wounded because he couldn’t face losing what he had always expected to have for his very own.

"Too many socks," she finally sighed, shrugging helplessly.

Oddly, he didn’t seem to understand.

"I think about everything that I’ve felt about you, and everything you’ve done, and I just can’t fit it all under one heading like love or hate. There are just too many socks to stuff into one drawer." She looked at him with greater resolution. "But I do know that you and I will never, ever be together again. Do you know that?"

Tears glistened in his eyes once more. He could only nod his understanding.

"Oz, there’s something else I have to ask you. I think I know the answer, but I need you to tell me for sure."

"Anything," he said simply.

Willow squared her shoulders and tried to gather her courage. She hadn’t realized the full extent of her fear of the matter until this moment.

"Oz, when you had Tara; when you were…hurting her…" Willow choked on the words, but forced herself to continue. "When you were hurting her, did you…did you bite her?" There. She’d said it. Now if she could only survive the answer.

"No." The reply was immediate, and sure. "I thought about it; I won’t lie. But…But I didn’t."

Willow released a breath she hadn’t known she’d been holding. Not trusting her voice, she only nodded. Then she stood up, surprised to find her legs solid beneath her.

"I’ll be right back."

She climbed the stairs slowly, running the entire conversation over in her mind. As she reached the top, she saw Buffy and Giles sitting cross-legged on the wooden floor. Buffy looked fresh and alert; Giles looked sore and disheveled. She was suddenly aware of loving them both very much.

"You OK?" Hazel eyes looked softly into hers.

"Yeah, Buffy. Tired, but OK."

"The question now is what to do with him," Giles said thoughtfully. "I could ask the Watchers’ Council for advice, although I’m not on the best terms with them."

"And we know that their advice is always reasoned and temperate. I mean, I plan to ask them about birth control whenever you get their new number." Buffy snorted in exasperation. "We’re not asking them anything unless it’s to fling themselves into a wood chipper."

"OK, so we have a ‘no’ on the Watchers’ Council issue," Willow duly noted. "Other suggestions?"

"Well I can’t imagine taking him to the police," Giles said helplessly. "Whatever would we say?"

"It’s not too far from a domestic violence case, but I agree: the details are very inconvenient." Buffy paused, mulling over various options. "I could ask Riley for some help, although I definitely don’t want the Initiative as a whole in on this deal. Of course, Riley himself isn’t in the Initiative as a whole right now, so that last part’s kind of a given…"

"Wait a minute—why not pull a Spike on him?" Willow looked up hopefully.

"You want Oz to drink pig’s blood and watch ‘Passions’? My God, Willow, isn’t that a bit extreme?"

Giles looked at Buffy, his gaze filled with regretful disappointment. "I think Willow is suggesting that Oz be implanted with a behavior-modification chip."

Willow looked at Buffy anxiously. "Do you think we could do it? Could Riley help us out?"

Buffy nodded confidently. "Riley’s so whipped, he’d sing ‘Copa Cabana’ naked at Dodger Stadium if I asked him too." Catching the bemused looks of her friends, she amended, "Which of course I would never ask him to do. Anyway," she hurried on, "I’m sure he can get his hands on one of the chips, and I know he’s still got close ties to at least five or six guys at the Initiative; one of them’s a doctor. Maybe Riley could persuade him to help us out." Turning, she looked at Willow anxiously. "Do you really think this is the best idea?"

Willow weighed the matter slowly in her mind. Finally, she replied, "Yes, I do. I think it’ll work, and I think it’s the best option. I mean, I don’t trust Oz—at least not all of him—but I can’t see turning him over to the Initiative, knowing what they’re up to. I just don’t see a whole lot of other possibilities here, guys."

Buffy and then Giles nodded in turn. Buffy left to call Riley, returning a few minutes later to say that he had the necessary equipment in his own personal stash. ("Some people have their own personal stash of drugs; Riley has his own personal stash of government-issue military intelligence technology.") He he was fairly certain he could convince his medic friend. They would come over within the next two or three hours.

"We should best tell Oz of our decision," Giles said.

"Actually, let me," Willow broke in. "I’ll tell him, and then I’m going back to the hospital."

"Will, visiting hours are way past over," Buffy reminded her dubiously.

"I know, but I can sit outside her door. Besides," she added, looking out the eastern window at the dim slivers of first light, "visiting hours will start again fairly soon." She took Buffy’s hand. "After the procedure, and after Oz leaves, will you stop by the hospital and let me know?"

"Sure. And I’ll bring a big bag of Tara’s favorite candy. Which would be…?"

"Mounds."

"Of course," Giles murmured. "Of course she prefers Mounds."

"I’ll just be a few minutes, and then I’m heading out. Would you call a cab for me?" She hugged them both again, suddenly feeling a need to stock up on these comforts. "I’ll call upstairs as I leave so you can come on back down. And thanks for the privacy. I know this hasn’t been the most comfortable spot."

"Oh, that depends on one’s perspective, really," Giles demurred. "Relative to the seventh circle of hell…"

Back downstairs, Willow looked once more at Oz, who was now staring morosely out the window. She wondered once more at the journey her feelings had taken, and realized that despite the terror, and despite the awful aching of the past two weeks, she and Tara were facing this new day as a couple. A day could only be so bad if it started with that truth.

"Oz, I think there’s a way to keep everyone safe here, including you." She outlined the plan, explaining the chip and what activated it. "It’s simple, really: don’t attack any living thing. You can fight demons, but if you raise your hand against any human being, you will spend the next several minutes in a state of deep, deep regret."

Oz thought briefly. "That’s about the best plan I could hope for. And Willow—I am sorry. I know that doesn’t mean anything, or change anything, but I am."

Willow struggled to find words. "It means something, Oz, as long as you make peace with all of yourself." Then her voice took on harder tone. "And as long as you stay away from Tara. If you come hear her again…"

"I won’t. I swear to you, I won’t." He looked at her steadily. Finally, she nodded.

When Oz spoke again, his voice had a dull, empty sound to it. "I’m never going to see you again, am I?"

"I don’t think so, Oz." She felt the tears threatening to slip out once more. She had walked such an important path with him. She wanted good things for him. But their dance was over, long past over, and she felt her body hum suddenly with the force of her resonance with Tara.

He looked at her, his own eyes filled with tears.

"Goodbye, Willow."

"Goodbye, Oz."

And then she needed to be at the hospital, would have teleported there if she knew how. Turning away from Oz, she walked to the door.

"Leaving now," she called back over her shoulder, and heard Giles groan as he rose, creaking, to his feet once more. Stepping out on the porch, she drew in a deep breath. It would be a warm, beautiful day.

To every thing there is a season. And then her taxi appeared, and she headed off to be where she belonged.

TO BE CONCLUDED TOMORROW NIGHT





Edited by: AntigoneUnbound at: 11/19/02 12:01:41 am

[Insanity]

Good.. he didn't bite her... good..very good...

A chip.. good, too..



So waiting for the great finish...



Insanity

"Nobody messes with my girl!" Tara, Bargaining

[samiamiguess]

Hi Mary, in regard to part 8 I'd say you're being self-critical. Stop it now I say! The story has flowed due to your ability to transcribe peoples emotions so clearly that we are able to fully appreciate the actions of introverted people such as Tara and Oz. However, in writing the 'dramatic climax' I feel its often better not to delve too deeply into the justifications of certain events until after. The reader is then able ponder the situation and circumstances themselves. The characterisations are obviously clearly set up but then we're able to apply a certain OH, yeah, i agree (or not), afterwards as the pieces fall into place. Which is personally what I prefer. Too much justification and emotional emphasis can detract from the pace required sometimes in order to maintain the dramatism in a climax. So fear not. As always you lead the reader exactly where you need to. so well done.



As for part 9, this brought out a couple of things I've been pndering myself recently so I thank you as it provides me a foundation on which to base my musings, namely:

a) the 'its ok, its only Oz' factor and

b) someone giving Willow voice to the 'what would have happened if Willow and Tara had met whilst she was with Oz' question.



Firstly in terms of Oz it always grates with me that the wolf is always disassociated so completely with the man Oz. Oz is, to me, someone who is completely trying to control his actions and what others see of him. So, what if the wolf is a bigger factor in his persona? what if the level of control he so craves isn't one day enough? I think this is chillingly portrayed here as he struggles to accept that he is capacble of having such emotions that he cannot or will not cope with.

Secondly its great to hear Willow openly admit that whilst she could have been happy to some degree with Oz, she wouldn't have been complete, or the person she is after finding her soul mate. To me she wouldn't have become Wilow. I read it in another fic (but I can't remember which, sorry whomever) how someone described Willow (pre-Tara) as someone who was getting tired of having to wear that false smile, always having to be the dependable geeky bubbly persona they just assumed she would remain. that kinda stuck with me. So yay, Willow. Choose Tara, choose love. choose life. (Ewan McGregor accent optional for the last part for those train spotters out there)

Oh and just loved your little Giles cameo. love me some understated English mannerisms.



Anyway, that is now officially the longest post I've ever written so I do aplogise. I'm (clearly) not good with the writing so it probably doesn't make a great deal of sense, so I'll go back to my reading.



Thanks again for the update, extemely well written as always (afraid you are now a victim of your own success) and I look forward to the conclusion. (Can you tell I've really enjoyed this story?!)



Sonya

Edited by: samiamiguess at: 11/19/02 4:06:09 am

[mollyig]

Giles' 1-10 scale made me laugh. Love his unreserved show of affection to Willow. Nice to see him embracing his role as father figure to the Scoobs.



The conversation between Oz and Willow was so well crafted. Willow's barely controlled anger versus a contrite Oz trying to explain his actions. I liked how Oz said things like "I know this doesn’t mean anything" and "For what it’s worth", it shows he's aware of having no defence for his actions.



Actually, I had been wondering what they would do with Oz, because I'm strange and wonder about things. The inhibitor is one of the scenarios I thought of. As Willow says, they can't trust Oz any more.



Thanks so much for this.

Adding up the total of a love that's true, multiply life by the power of two
Indigo Girls

[tommo]

Ah, I love you. The Manchester Academy of Bondage and Domination. Class of '93.



Wait. What do you mean, it's not a real place?



I think what I did like about this is your take on love. So often, in a W/T fic, we're told that love is this safe place where we can crawl into and curl up for the night. And yes, in your fic, the love that Willow and Tara feel is presented this way. But you've also given us the flip side. You've told and shown us how love can also be very dangerous and can be bastardised into an emotion that is, in itself very destructive.



Interesting how you had Willow look at Oz and remember the tender person he used to be, but also how you're contrasting that persona with the monster that lurks beneath his skin. I've read the feedback you've had to this fic with interest, and honestly, with a little sadness. I wonder if your push to finish this story had anything to do with that. I sincerely hope not, as I believe that your take on Oz is something I've never read before. He's a complex person, with a developed undercurrent of passions that are in direct contrast with his outer calm. I love how you've explored that in this fic and how you've managed to make him believable as a cruel and vile beast, as well as a man who's horribly disappointed in love.



Thank you so much. Looking forwards, albeit with some regret, so your final chapter.

Darlin' there's no way out, nothing can help me now, love's got a hold on my heart...

[barnabasvamp]

I am so glad you explored the "what if" in regards to Willow meeting Tara while still with Oz, it needed to be said.



Forgot about the "chip" business, wonderful solution.



I'm looking forward to the conclusion, then again not. This has been such an excellent look into the thoughts and actions of each person you dealt with, I will miss the introspection.



Academy of Bondage and Domination.. Great place for that bit of humor



BV

"In front of total strangers won't you kiss me, Flowers for no reason but you miss me - OOH, I wanna be in love"

Melissa Etheridge-Skin

[Tulipp]

I'm going to pull a "what Ruth said."



But I've never been able to stop with so few words, so....



One of the things I liked about this chapter--and it speaks to the way you let love between Tara and Willow be a safe and a secure thing--is that Willow was able to leave Tara at the hospital to go deal with Oz. The fact that she can leave her side to talk to Oz, to get some kind of closure, and then the fact that, closure reached, she suddenly MUST be at the hospital...well, that worked for me.



Oz is complicated, here. His emotions are all over the place, and perhaps he has less control over them than he thinks he does, judging from the way he seemed so remorseful here. I thought it was fitting that he knew that he wouldn't be seeing Willow again.



I loved what you did with Giles here; his dialogue felt very Gilesy to me. Nice.

"And I'm eating this banana. Lunchtime be damned!" -- Willow in "Doppelgangland

[jdcioffi]

I have to start with the Mounds joke:



"Of course," Giles murmured. "Of course she prefers Mounds."



Dude, that's the best innuendo joke I've seen in a while ... I might just have to change my favorite candy.



This is not a criticism ... keep that in mind. The following is a note about my own reaction ... Willow disturbed me. I know, I know. Oz was the disturbing one ... blah blah blah. No. Willow disturbed me.



She was calm, cool and collected. She was an adult with rational thought and real anger -- not the cute-sie anger so often associated with her that leads her to rant in a babble-fest of digressions.



I kept thinking about Vamp Willow -- or Dark Magic Willow. How much more calm they seemed than Willow-lite -- even in their darkness. Then you ended it with "leaving now ..." and I heard Vamp Willow's voice loud and clear.



I'm not used to that Willow -- like her? Yes. Used to her? No.



The reason this is not a criticism is this: How quickly would you shed your silly-little girl attitude when faced with such a dire, such a heart-wrenching situation? How much of a wake up call would it be to you? Do you think you would be so shaken that you might shed the protective veneer of "cute" and be what you are ... whatever it might be ... to draw the strength you need to survive (and in tact)?



Willow has no choice but to grow up and stand up for herself, and in doing so, her love. There's no room for rambling -- no place for cute smirks and word games.



As usual, with every pound of angst, we get an ounce of relief. The Buffy/Giles exchanges were instrumental in keeping the rhythm of this fic moving ...like I said before, you can't be steadily somber without losing your audience into a pit of despair. The moments of comedy lift the reader enough to be able to take on the next round of seriousness head on.



M'not sure about Oz. I think he's sorry, but I agree with Willow -- "never" is a dangerous word for him. The Spike-treatment, along with banishment from the Land of the Scoobies, seems like the only real solution -- or the only one that doesn't involve fixing the pup.



I don't know what else to say. I'm sure I'm just reiterating what others (and perhaps even what I) have already written.



I don't want this to end, because your words are so wonderful -- but I think it there is a subtle hint that another story might be forthcoming, I would be able to rest easier knowing this will be concluding soon.



As always,

JD

"Was there a voice unkind in the back of your mind saying, "maybe..." (Jeff Buckley - The Last Goodbye)

[Grimaldi]

loved the update



Buffy's comment about Giles learning his knot tying techniques at the Academy of Bondage and Domination and asking him if he was on top, as well as Giles comment about Tara's favorite candy being Mounds was too funny. i like their solution on what to do with Oz, and i'm glad that he didn't bite Tara.



i kind of feel sorry for Oz, his actions cost him any chance of being friends with Willow and Tara, and he is going to have to live with what he did.

Dude, we're surrounded by perverts!
No! Well, okay. No. Pez!
2nd place? That's just a fancy term for loser!

[littlecrazy80]

Yay Tara will be OK, and Oz didn´t bite her!!!



*lil´c*



Unter den Blinden ist der Einäugige König.

[Caoilin]

JD said:

Quote:

---

She was calm, cool and collected. She was an adult with rational thought and real anger -- not the cute-sie anger so often associated with her that leads her to rant in a babble-fest of digressions.

---

Yes. Thank you, JD, for putting to words what I couldn't describe. After the initial fear and adrenalin, it's amazing how grown-up she became: dropping all artifice in the seriousness of the moment. Fantastically well done, Mary.



And Buffy? My god, so this is where she's been. Marvelous.



Thank you so much for this,

Caoilin

[stereo33]

Mary - I was really intrigued to find out how they were going to deal with Oz, and you didn't disappoint!

I liked the way Buffy actually hit the nail on the head about the whole 'control' issue with Oz, how he couldn't allow others to hurt him so deeply, & therefore he took control of the situation with pretty dire results. I like your Buffy



With Oz now having to face the consequences of his actions, and with the realisation (finally), that (whether he'd left or not) he would never have stood a chance with Willow as soon as Tara was in the picture was difficult (I loved that bit). Willow definitely needed to say it though, and I think you did it at just the right level. I also think 'pulling a spike' on him was a pretty good option.



I'm sad that this will be concluded soon, but I have enjoyed reading it ALL so much, I love the way you write W and T and hope you have the time and inclination in the future to write and post more.

Thank you

Karen

[SilverWingedNemesis]

HEY! I'm really glad I caught this update!! I loved how your wrote Willow and Oz's conversation. She let him know what's what!! I loved that! and Giles "ofcourse she prefers mounds" I about died!! LOL



Can't wait for you next update? (Smoochies??)



Thanks again!



~NICKOLE~

------------

"Wanna be bad?"

[jixer]

Hello Kittens-



Well, I don't have a lot to add. I love the Riley and Giles asides, Buffy being Buffy ( and in some ways better), and Tara not being bitten.



The Oz solution, given the alternatives, seems reasonable. There are drawbacks for as Oz has learned the human capacity for evil will hurt the defenseless, and now he will not be able to fight back. On top of that he has forfeited the protection of the Scoobies by his actions. I'm thinking he needs to find a Werewolf Aikido instructor. I like the way you handled him through the story. His choices seemed too chillingly real, including the ones he continues to make.



But of all of it I liked Willow choosing her path and dealing with what has happened. Her choice to help Oz failed, but you didn't make her take the path of regret and ownership of the failure. Instead she recognized the truth in Buffy's observation about control and Oz's still not accepting responsibility. This Willow won't fall so easily for the lure of power. I'm looking forward to the conclusion.



And Mary, I did try to use the message thingy (not Mr. Technology here) to tell you which fanfics I've done. Just e-mail me: jixer@attbi.com. I can't break that.





Thank you for the story. Add me to the begging for more stories camp.





Jixer

Edited by: jixer at: 11/19/02 1:29:47 pm

[slowontheuptake]

Wow. I love how you write these charactors. You do a wonderful job of finding thier voices.The dialogue throughout the entire story has been fantastic!



Even though I was traumatized at Oz being the baddie of the piece, you wrote him so well that I was 100 percent involved.

The discussion between Oz and Willow came off perfectly. Willow setting aside hate to truly talk and find closure with a man she had loved very much. Oz realizing that he did not have control of his, not the wolf's, emotions and that it had lost him Willow's respect and friendship forever. Exellent.



I love the wry humor you have worked in that is so true to the charactors.

Quote:

---

Buffy nodded confidently. "Riley’s so whipped, he’d sing ‘Copa Cabana’ naked at Dodger Stadium if I asked him too."

---

Hee! This got the best laugh for me in the last section.



I'm not looking forward to the end, I've enjoyed this stroy too much. But the end just means that you an get started on another one. Right? Please.

[Zahir al Daoud]

That was a very witty as well as moving update. Well done!

"GOD created Man in his own image. Man, being a gentleman, returned the courtesy." -Voltaire

[VampNo12]

Argh, I have just lost what I wrote twice, so I guess I have to believe that the "third time is the charm"! Mary this part really resonated with me. I found the scene between W&T at the hospital spoke so well that in their love they can find the strength to put the past behind them, in order to embrace their future as a couple. Or in other words, Willow at first needs to visually observe Tara to reassure herself that Tara is indeed going to be fine, but I think her observation with her thinking, ("She's seen enough pain in her life, dammit. She's way overdue for the good stuff...So I'll just make darn sure she get's it."), gives Willow the needed push to seek out Oz in order to attain closure of the past (ie Willow knowing with certainty that when she returns to the hospital her love will be there waiting for her to start their new life, a life where happiness/love will overshadow the pain of the past).



The emotions at Gile's apartment were so palpable to me, and I love how you mix humor amongst the angst, which I think makes this scene flow beautifully. What really struck a chord with me was the unwavering support of Giles/Buffy (ie the gang being a true "family"), with them giving Willow enough space to have a private talk with Oz, but being close enough in case they are needed to step in. And even with such an intense moment, I love the easy banter with the priceless "Manchester Academy of Bondage and Domination"/"So you were on top"/"Mounds" dialogue.



I have to agree that the unpleasant experience Willow has had to endure (due to Oz) has made her have to be grown-up, (ie her points wouldn't have the same impact, if she was her "cutesy, babbling self"), which again I think knowing how much she loves Tara, and depth of feeling is returned back, gives Willow the strength to have this discussion with Oz. And I thought it was quite significant in regards to Oz's psyche was Willow's realization that Oz believed he "never thought he lose" (ie his ego led him to believe in the end Willow would be his). With this in mind, Oz was able to vent his justifications, say he was "sorry", but I think it was vital for Willow to make it crystal clear that his belief was wrong by pointing out that even if "he never left" she would of still found Tara. Yes, this is painful for Oz to hear, but I think this was needed to truly show that Oz has to live in the present, and not wallow in "might of been" if he only did things differently in the past.



Lastly, the fact the Oz was in control of the wolf/was calculated in when he let the wolf out, it was important for Willow to answer Oz's "never" remark by saying, ("See that word is gonna get you in trouble Oz, because you could do it again....Well you're in you too, all the time, and apparently there are some dark, musty corners you haven't wanted to see in a while, and they've gotten really, really dirty."). Meaning, he can't use the "wolf" as his excuse forever, but rather needs to look within himself for why he acts a certain way, and deal with it. Also liked Willow's answer of "Too many socks.", to Oz's "Do you hate me?" question (ie Willow has so many swirling images/memories of Oz in the past as well as the pain he caused in the present), and thus can't simply label her feeling as "hate", but at the same time can't be friends with him (ie over-riding concern is for Tara and her safety). As for Oz being "chipped" it quite logical/make sense, and though sad I look forward to the last part.



By the way coming for a writer with such immense talent, I thank you for your compliments about my feedback. In answer to your question, no I haven't written any stories (creative I am not), but I so look forward to anything you might write for Pens in the future. I have found that regardless if I am reading for pleasure or work I can't seem to help myself by analyzing what I am reading looking for reasons/insights, which seems to come from being in law school where all I do is write "case briefs" (ie analyzing cases to get the main points/etc). Although, as one can see with my rambling feedback, "brief" I am not !

Edited by: VampNo12  at: 11/19/02 4:10:22 pm

[Sister Bertrille]

Jerry Seinfeld once said that sex begins the moment “the nipple makes its appearance.” And for the purposes of your story, forgiving and forgetting end when blood is shed. I agree with the other posters that, well, let’s call her “TCBWillow,” is perfectly canonical (“I. OWE. YOU. PAIN – no babbling there, and you should see the look on my students’ faces!...oh, um, never mind), perfectly consistent with your characterization, and a sight for sore eyes to boot! Nobody messes with TCBWillow’s girl, ever, and the restraint she shows in this update is a testament to her past affection for Oz. I might not have been so generous, because when push comes to shove comes to bloodstained girlfriend in chains, “you gotta protect the family!”



I mean, are we sure that the chip works on humans (that is, natural and not supernatural beings)? Yes, the chip will activate if WolfOz attacks Tara, but what happens if HumanOz decides to go all Et tu, Brute? Smith & Wesson? Lizzie Grubman? And while the chip hurts like an episode of Ally McBeal, it merely deters, not prevents – Spike was able to kill and slurp quite handily with chip securely in place. Methinks that Willow is being very generous.



And I have read way too much Corsican literature!



You continue to do a superb job with Buffy, and your Giles is terrific – prim can be sexy! I am looking forward to the conclusion and to your next story (that was meant to be encouraging and not controlling!)



“Sometimes you feel like a nut…” Um, no.



SB

Edited by: Sister Bertrille at: 11/19/02 8:51:52 pm

[The Rose24]

AU,



I love the conversation between Oz and Willow. She makes sure Oz knows she is completely in love with Tara.



I am really sorry to hear this is ending soon.

Tara: My heart doesn't stutter.


Tara: Willow, I got so lost.

Willow: I found you. I will always find you.