by Dumbsaint » Fri Apr 05, 2002 8:36 am
This is going to be rambly and possibly not all that coherent, and probably lame, so I apologize in advance, but it's something that's been taking up a lot of space in my world lately. I could really use a good emotional outburst, dunno about you guys, so here goes.
I'm right there with you guys. I am prone to depression, and thus have not been terribly surprised by how profoundly upset I've been the past few weeks about everything going on in the show. Months ago, after reading the wildfeed for Tabula Rasa, I went into a deep depression for three days afterwards, the worst of which lifted after seeing the episode and having the mother of all good cries. I'm a little anxious about how down I'm likely to get come early May. Still I'm trying to stay positive, consoling myself with my understanding that upcoming storylines make little sense in terms of what the Buffyverse is all about, in terms of the ideals expressed time and time again by the people who make the show, and knowing that it's entirely possible, perhaps even likely, that Tara's death will be taken back somehow. Like everyone else, I'll just have to wait and see. On some level, as evil a bastard as I think he is, I still trust Joss to somehow make me enjoy having my heart ripped out. To make the storyline SO good, that I know it had to be done. I can only hope this trust proves well-founded.
Still, as more information trickles in, and the day itself slowly approaches, I find myself getting more and more disturbed by the knowledge that Tara is going to die. Ruth mentioned the other day somewhere that for her this is just starting to really sink in. I thought it had sunk in before now for me, but it's starting to do so even more all of the sudden. I actually had a dream several nights ago in which I saw a version of the scene in which Willow finds Tara's body, complete with really hauntingly painful imagery. I'm hurting to the point where the other day someone who doesn't watch the show, and was joking around about something totally unrelated, started to sing "ding, dong, the witch is dead" and I almost cried on the spot.
Part of me, too, feels bad or silly for having become so emotionally involved in the lives of fictional characters, but at the same time, I'm a writer. That's pretty much what I do on a daily basis anyways. Should it really matter whether it's my characters or someone else's that I'm so wrapped up in? I can't say that I think so. And honestly, if something touches you, and gives you happiness and enjoyment, why not invest yourself emotionally? What good would this world, or art forms in general be if no one invested themselves into the things created by others around them? I love this show. I love Willow and Tara.
It comes down to this. I'm grieving for the death of an idea. An idea of a person very dear to me. And I'm starting to get really sick of trying to justify that to myself and others. A few months ago, it was for the idea of a relationship. Now for the idea of a person- two people really, because one's death is going to shatter the other, and I completely understand why. I grieve also for the community of people I've found who love these characters and this show as much as I do, hands down the most amazingly wonderful online community I have ever felt myself to be a part of.
Who's to say how much grieving is enough or too much? All I can do is try work through what I'm feeling, which for me means, among other things, writing goofy parodies as therapy. All I know is that I have a right to what I feel, and that it's my responsibility to deal with it the best way I know how to, which also means pulling together with my friends here, enjoying the comraderie that drew me to this community in the first place.
I guess what I'm really trying to say is... *sniffle* I love you guys, man.
