by CrazyTaraWitch » Sat Oct 13, 2012 2:01 pm
I have never been a social person. I am a shy introvert with poor people skills, and I almost never make friends or even feel comfortable around people unless I know them really really well. I accepted this a long time ago, despite both my best friend and my mum pushing me to interact more. I've been aware over the last couple of years that I was getting better at some things, getting way more comfortable in my own skin and being more responsive when people would talk to me. It still came as a big surprise when I realized that I was pretty comfortable at my job, had pleasant conversations with a number of coworkers, didn't feel the need to put on much of a "work face" (I've mentioned my girlfriend, I don't hide my tattoos, and I pronounce banana in a British accent cause that's how it is in my head), and even developed a casual friendship with the woman I'm in a classroom with most of the day. All of that seems great. I knew that sometimes the woman I teach with and I talk too much on the clock, and for a while I was worried about it, but then it became such a part of our routine that it stopped bothering me so much, mostly because it just felt so good to have someone to socialize with (cause I have very little in-person time around friends except my roommates) and to feel comfortable during my work day. Two or three weeks ago I became aware again that it was a problem, but still I did nothing to deal with it, even after it occurred to me that we were likely to get in trouble. With the exception of one huge mistake that got me fired a couple of years ago, I've always been a good and very hard-working employee and had never been reprimanded for anything job related. Monday our lead teacher had a very serious talk with us about the level of conversation in the classroom; I'd known it was probably coming, and she was nicer about it than we probably deserved, but it still felt really bad. Even aside from not liking to get reprimanded and not liking potential consequences (like bad recommendations when I move and have to look for a new job in a couple of months), it felt really shitty to get in trouble for being *too* social, when all my life I've been pushed to interact more, be social, make friends, and now the first time I ever really came out of my shell I'm being punished for it. Most of all though, it feels awful to know that I wasn't doing my job, that I let personal stuff interfere with my work and negatively impact the children in our care, and that I *knew* it was happening and did nothing to stop it. I am genuinely ashamed of myself for not caring enough about the work I do, the work I believe in and love, to put the job first and leave the talking outside the classroom. What makes it even worse is that by the end of the week my coworker was slipping back into the patterns of talking all the time; I limited my responses as much as I could without coming off like a bitch and didn't initiate personal conversations, but I don't know if our lead teacher will see that, and I don't know if my resolve will hold long-term. Friday afternoon I had to sign a form acknowledging the discussion about adult conversation, and in the comments section I almost wrote about feeling like the woman I work with was falling back in the habit and I didn't know how separate myself from it, but I couldn't bring myself to call her out on it. It just all sucks, and most of all I feel crappy knowing that I haven't been the best teacher I can to my babies.
"To days to come."
"All my love to long ago.
I hope, we'll have more happy ever after
I hope, we can all live more fearlessly...
~Jas
