A Moment of Truth

[CrazyTaraWitch]

Sometimes I am too much of a problem-solver. I'm always looking for solutions to other people's problems, whether they actually want help or not. It's not intentional, most if the time I'm not even aware I'm doing, but it can sure as hell piss people off.

[RainbowNerdette]

^ +1!!!

And it hurts extra when people get angry about that, because you were trying your darnedest to actually make them HAPPIER instead of angrier (whether you were doing it consciously or not).

[CrazyTaraWitch]

^ +1!!!

And it hurts extra when people get angry about that, because you were trying your darnedest to actually make them HAPPIER instead of angrier (whether you were doing it consciously or not).

Exactly!!! Like when my best friend says things like "You're worthless on the phone," just because I was trying to help her look on the bright side of things. Is it my fault that I instinctively want to help people?

[JustSkipIt]

The Republican party/ticket scares the ever living shit out of me. The fact that 47-48% of Americans like them scares me even more.

[CrazyTaraWitch]

I don't know how to tell my roommates I'm moving. It's not until the end of the year, but I've known for two weeks and haven't said a word. I love my roommates, and I think living with them is, at least in the short term, what I will miss most about my life here. I'll be living alone in a place I've only visited once, where my girlfriend is the only person I know for hundreds of miles. I am excited to be near my girl, but I'm scared that I will be lonely or become too dependent on her. I've never had much of a social life, but for over a year now I've lived with people I feel really comfortable with whose company I greatly enjoy, and it's been really wonderful to have that, to make random silly noises at each other in the kitchen and watch the occasional movie or Doctor Who with them and play the occasional board game and have random late-night chats; there's a part of me that doesn't want to give that up. I believe it will be worth it in the end, but it still makes me really sad. I've told my mum and a few of my friends about my plans, and told some other family that I'm planning to move eventually but not when, but with my roommates I can't seem to find the words.
The truth is, though it's horribly selfish and it could never work because of her school and her parents, I wish my girl could move here instead of me moving there. I'll never tell her that because I know it couldn't work, but here we could live together right off the bat instead of having to wait at least a few months, and things would be cheaper and we could live with my roommates if she wanted, and I could keep my job, and not have to sell my stuff and buy all new things, and I think we'd both prefer Austin to Fresno, and I wouldn't have to take a year or two off school... But her school comes first, and she'd either have to take time off or probably get huge loans (cause I don't see her parents helping out, since there's no way they'd approve, and tuition would be high since she'd be out-of-state), plus her parents would almost certainly hate me forever which is not what we want, so it's simply not in the cards. It sucks though.
I want to be with her, getting to see her more than once or twice a year, so badly that I'm really not bothered by most of what I'm leaving behind; I have wanted to move away for a long time after all, I just never would have chosen where I'm moving to if it weren't for my girl, and I would probably be waiting a few months longer. If it weren't for leaving my roommates, I would feel pretty good about all of it, but I am really going miss them, and I'm worried I will hate living alone. My girlfriend is my biggest emotional support and I really want to talk to her about all this, but I'm worried if I do she'll think I don't want to move there; despite all my complaining I really do want that, and I certainly don't want to hurt her by making her feel like I don't.

My truth is that even when it's what you want, leaving is hard, especially when it means leaving behind people you really care about.

[sweet satin lover]

I think about others too much in the sense of putting everyone before myself, I know it sounds like I am kissing my own a*se but I really do. I am always thinking of everyone else and seldom myself. I wonder if I really am a good writer and if I can ever write full time or if its just my faith in myself that gets me through. If I am such a good writer then why the heck do I receive so many publisher rejection letters?
I am a simple girl and while I hunger for life I am also contented with small things too and if I become a full time writer I know I would have left something behind and perhaps helped or influenced someone the way authors do when I read and I can die happy then.

[JustSkipIt]

Our dog Annie is not doing well. She is 13, nearly 14 and this week hasn't been able to stand on her own or stay standing when we help her. We got her a scrip yesterday and she's not able to stand still but if we help her, she can walk very tentatively. Rachel has taken her to the vet to get weighed and see if she can have a stronger pain killer. I am not ready for this. Not ready to lose this amazing dog.

[CrazyTaraWitch]

My thoughts are with you and your family Deb; losing a dog is never easy. I hoped her pain eases at least.


My truth: I love my girl and I am so excited to move to be with her, but sometimes it's really hard not to feel frustrated and hurt that she doesn't seem to be working very hard to find a job. The plan is for her to get a job and start saving money so that we'll be able to live together, instead of me living in the next town, but it feels like she's not doing a whole lot to work towards that. I know she wants our life together, but sometimes it feels like she doesn't want it enough to work for it. I know that probably isn't true or fair, but it's still how I feel, and it hurts.

[CrazyTaraWitch]

Sometimes I get tired of being the bigger person, the one to make sacrifices and give 110%, always trying to see the other side and consider the feelings of others before my own. I just can't do it today. A part of me wants to say, it's time for my girl to be the bigger person, to see how much hiding our relationship hurts me and step up, but I'm too scared I'd lose her or break something we can't fix. The truth is, even though I mostly understand her reasons for hiding, they're a child's reasons, not the reasons of a woman ready to build her life with someone. She's says she's sorry it hurts me, but today it's just not enough. Today it's not even close. And I want to hurt and I want to be angry, and there's this childish part of me that wants to do these things not just because I deserve to feel that way but because I want her to see how fucking awful I feel and change her mind. But she won't. She knows this is hurting me, and she cares, but she doesn't care enough to grow up. A part of me wants to beg her to tell her parents, because she probably would, but I don't want her to do it because I beg; I want her do it because she doesn't want to hurt me and because she's proud of being with me and because she wants to commit to us in ways she can't while she's hiding.
I almost wish her parents were homophobes, and it was coming out that scared her. It would be awful, but at least then it wouldn't be about me, and it would be completely reasonable that she'd be scared.
It's not fair, and a part of me thinks... How can we possibly have a life together if she doesn't care any more than this about hurting me? I don't want to think like that, it terrifies me when I do. I want a life with her more than anything, and most of the time I believe it will happen, but the times I doubt scare me because shouldn't I believe 100%? Can there be any future for us if I don't?

All I know today is that sorry isn't good enough.

[Finey_McFine]

Watching Lady and The Tramp tonight, my all time favorite Disney movie and it dawns on me how 'un-wholsome' this movie really is. Seriously...good girl meets bad boy, goes to jail and then gets knocked up!

[CrazyTaraWitch]

I am so happy it scares me sometimes, because there's a little part of me that doesn't believe I get to be this happy. I love my girl, and that's huge, but it's only part of it; the way approach life these days is so much healthier and happier. Most of the time... I'm just happy, but now and then I worry that it's all going to go away, and I'm going to go back to being the girl who hates herself and can't talk to people and feels alone. I worry that my depression will come back. I like who I am now; I like *life* now. I want to keep growing and changing cause that's life, but I hope I keep changing towards this new me that I love and not backwards. It's not like I don't like who I was, in a lot of ways I'm still the same person, but there are certain things that weren't healthy or happy and I've gotten better and I want it to stay that way.

[JustSkipIt]

Moment of Truth/Confession #1: I read Tara/Other ff and enjoy it. I rarely read any Willow/Other but I do read Tara/Faith and this week I found some Tara/Buffy that I've enjoyed.

I know sacrilege.

Moment of Truth #2: I can't decide if my son is a genius or just totally gross or somewhere in between. First let me say he's 8. So when he pees, he usually gets some on the seat. No big surprise. He has started thing thing where he finishes peeing, lifts his leg and runs his jeans-covered or pajama-covered knee over the seat to clean it. It's sort of genius but also totally gross.

[Finey_McFine]

Deb - At least he cleans it!

Moment of Truth: I suck with home improvement projects/repairs, etc. Occasionally everything works out, but it's a rare occasion. I bought some of these wall hook thingys, like to hang a ladder, to put up at my studio for background stands and stuff. Anyway, sounds simple, right? Not so much. I have power tools and a stud finder and STILL had issues!! The first one went up fine, the finder worked like a charm, but the second one...no freakin' stud! The beeper beeped where the stud should be and nothing. I drilled like 6 holes and found nothing. I eventually gave up and used anchors, which are loose and I'm sure will end up with everything eventually falling on my head. I was so frustrated that I was close to pounding a hole in the wall with the hammer so I could find the stud the good old fashion way. Bad for the wall, but would have made me feel better.

[BeneathMyWillowTree]

Sometimes I allow people to think the worst of me for certain decisions I make. I allow them to believe in what they think of me. I have to play the villain at times, but there is so much more to the story then meets the eye. My heart becomes heavy with such things. Everything I do has a purpose, even if it looks like I don't. I just wish people trusted me enough to know that. When a person claims to know me, if they question me then they truly don't know me.

[JustSkipIt]

That damn I am Adam Kansas Mother bloc hits too close to home.

[Finey_McFine]

Deb- Yes it does.

[sweet satin lover]

The thought of eating Christmas dinner scares me, I dont know how I will cope.

[Finey_McFine]

Teenage boys are dumb...really, really dumb.

Case in point:

My nephews (12 and 18) were here all of 20 minutes and decided it would be a good idea to see if they would get shocked if they stuck their fingers into the outlet of the Christmas light bulb checker thingy. It's like a little battery operated gun with an infrared sensor that checks bulbs, fuses, clears the line, etc. Awesome little device. Anyway, they were fascinated by it and discovered that when you pull the trigger, it sparks.

The older one said, "I wonder if you can get shocked? Hey E, stick your finger there...do it for science!"
"FOR SCIENCE!!" The younger one shouted and did as his brother said.

The older one pulled the trigger and the younger one got shocked, of course. He jumped around shaking his hand and laughing. Apparently, it wasn't proof enough for the older one, so he too felt compelled to stick his finger in and pull the trigger. See what I mean? D-U-M-B. I have these kids for the next two weeks...God help me...I hope they survive, lol.

[sweet satin lover]

I did something today that I really needed to do and I feel really liberated. I came back and although I wasnt feeling particularly sing-song-ey I blasted out my cd's and sung my heart out, it was much needed.

[Finey_McFine]

Last Friday assistant and I attended the funeral for the mother of one of the high school kids that hangs out at my studio. She went to sleep and never woke up. She was only 50 and had no known health issues. I never met the woman, but went for T...he's only 18 and shouldn't have lost a parent at such a young age.

Anyway, I've been down and feeling sorry for myself the last few weeks. I hurt my knee, bad and the ortho is recommending a full knee replacement. When he said it, I think my exact response was..."Are you fucking kidding me?" Well, he wasn't and it's not looking good. Not to mention having to continue working with an uncomfortable brace while enduring some serious pain. I've already had 2 surgeries on the knee since blowing it out when I was a teenager, so issues with it are nothing new, however this time is different. Thus the depression. I simply don't have time for a major surgery, especially one with a 9 month recovery. I'm self employed and it could cost me my business. Not to mention, we simply can't afford it...my insurance sucks.

So last Friday, I hobbled into this funeral and had several moments of truth during the service.

#1- I don't want a long religious service. I want my friends to tell funny stories and put together a slide show with classic rock and not sad music.
#2- At some point during my funeral, someone needs to play Highway to Hell, lol.
#3- This deal with my knee, although painful and inconvenient, not life threatening. It cold be worse...I could be dead.

[wimpy0729]

So sorry to hear all that Shelby, and I really hope your knee situation turns out okay.

I'm like you -- I don't want "somber" at my service either. Just good friends getting together and remembering the good times, although I don't think I want AC/DC. LOL But classic rock, some Joan Jett, hell yeah!

We've kind of been going through similar stuff and it can definitely bring you down. Problems with her car for several months, over and over again. They say it's fixed, then the same thing all over again, and it's hundreds each time it's in the shop. Now it's sitting at a dealership and they can't even get it to start. At least we have one that runs. And, of course, the fridge went out. Finally got one after living out of a cooler for over 3 weeks. I kissed that sucker as soon as I gave it a good wiping down.

And the health stuff, definitely not fun. I feel your pain about your knee. A total replacement would be horrible.

I've had trouble with my back for a few years and it's just getting worse. My SI joints keep "gliding" out of place and back in and it's excruciating pain everytime it happens. My neuro just said take 2 ibuprofen 3 times a day. Seriously, that's it? I take like 9-12 a day already, which barely touches the pain. Plus, there's something wrong with my lumbar spine on top of that. My neurologist referred me to an ortho surgeon, so I'll see what he says. So the gf was whining about her car, again, totally understandable, but I'm sitting there thinking I'll need an MRI, and you're right, insurance sucks, and MRI's aren't cheap, and I may need spine surgery.

Then I looked across the street at my neighbor's house. She went through breast cancer a couple of years ago, everything fine for over a year, then they found it everywhere and gave her 6 months. Then I looked at Tracy and said, you know, we're actually pretty lucky. It could be much worse.

I wish you well, my friend. Just keep hanging in there.

[CrazyTaraWitch]

My girlfriend and I have wanted to live together for a while, but I'm really worried it won't happen anytime soon (like possibly the next 2.5 years until we move), and sometimes I find myself blaming her for it which I am not okay with. She doesn't have a job, and I know she's been looking for months, but I still feel like there's more she could be doing to look, and since she can't possibly move out of her parents' place until she has some form of income I wish she would make it more of a priority. And she insists that she won't want to live together until she can pay rent, which I don't think she's going to be able to make enough money for, and even though I understand, I find myself getting frustrated because we're partners, and once I have a job I'll be mostly able to pay for things myself, and I wish she would want to live with me more than she wants to pay her share. The worst part is I know she's doing nothing wrong; she's trying to find a job, and if she isn't making it a priority it's because school comes first and it should, and she wants to pay her share to feel like an adult and an equal. There's nothing wrong with any of it and I still find myself feeling disappointed and frustrated.

[SickSadGirl]

Part of me feels like I didn't deserve to be happy, and that's why I'm not. The rest of me knows I'm just being a whiny brat and I need to get over it.

[CrazyTaraWitch]

I wasn't strong enough. I don't know if I had been that anything would have been different, but I wasnT as strong as I thought. I didn't trust like I thought, I didnT believe like I thought, I wasn't strong like I thought. In the end, maybe I didn't even love like I thought.

[Finey_McFine]

It really does 'take a village' to raise kids, Hilary was right. A few posts up in this thread, I mentioned the death of the mother of a young man that likes to hang out at my studio. It's been a rough few weeks for him and he's been stopping by quite a but. I don't mind really, he needs a safe place and am happy to provide it for him.

Today he came to sit around and do some homework, but in truth he was feeling sad. He learned this morning the cause of his mother's death; an enlarged heart. Something genetic that she had no control over. While he was talking about her, he completely broke down and sobbed on my shoulder for a good ten minutes before I was able to calm him down. It's heart breaking to see him so upset, but it's all part of the process and having gone through the loss of my mom last year, I get it. He's got a huge support system within his family and lives with his Dad, but losing your mother...totally different. As a parent myself, it made me realize something very important. You're not just there for you're own kid/s, you have to be there for any child who may need you. I don't think that really hit home until today.

[CrazyTaraWitch]

One of my best friends keeps telling me how great I'm doing. That I'm handling things so well. My mum says it sounds perfect that practically all I'm doing is watching tv and messing around online. It feels like a lie. I don't feel like I'm doing great, or good, or even fine. It hurts. And I watch tv and mess around online all the time so that I don't have to think or feel. Because I can't. When I actually let myself stop for a moment... Everything hurts. My life is wrong and it hurts and I don't know what the hell I'm doing or how everything got so wrong. And even though I'm staying with my best friend, I don't have a clue how to talk to her about it, because we've never been great with sharing our emotions especially in person. And people ask me if I'm okay, or how I am, and any answer I give feels like a lie.
I get out of bed. I have two friends I talk to. I shower. Sometimes I eat. Sometimes I go outside. I don't cry much. Sometimes I even smile, or life, or enjoy something. I'm... functional. But I'm not okay.

[CrazyTaraWitch]

I'm starting to think about college-- real, full-time, school-before-work, working-towards-a-degree college, which I've never done before. I'm even looking at universities, trying to decide whether I want to go to one straight away or go back to my community college for a couple semesters before transferring. The thing is, I'm really scared. Last semester for the first time I worked hard and did well, but my girlfriend was such a big part of that. I wanted to make her proud, I wanted to work toward the life we were planning. Now it's just me, no one to be proud and no one to work hard for but me. And I know that should be enough, I should be enough, but it never has been before and I'm scared it won't be this time. I am an abysmal self-motivator, and without the support of a partner (and especially a partner who was going through school too, and studying similar things) I'm really worried I'm going to fall back into my habit of half-assing school. I have my friends and family, but it's so different from having her...

I'm honestly scared I won't be strong enough on my own.

[JustSkipIt]

I want to get married. Really. I've always said that I don't want to get married somewhere else and have it not recognized in Texas or the US but I've always assumed that depending on what the Supreme Court does in June, we will go get married somewhere. My guess is that we will drive to Iowa or somewhere and get married and be married in the US (which will cost us about $3000 in taxes a year) and still not be married in Texas. And I'm excited about that. I'm jealous of all of our friends who are married. I get mad if I think about it too long.

But...

How will we afford it? We can't afford to get our heat fixed or pay our monthly bills. Even if we drive to Iowa and do it, everyone will expect a big reception when we get back. Which is cool because people love us and want to come to the wedding or whatever and that's wonderful but how will be afford it?

[Finey_McFine]

Deb- That's why weddings depress me and I hate going to them. I've become so jaded and pissed that I can't do it too, that I'm not even happy for my friends anymore. I get especially angry when I see people getting married after only being together for a short time. I look at them and know there's no way in hell they're gonna make it. Then I look at my long ass relationship and get fucking pissed! Why should these two morons get every legal right under the sun just because they're heterosexual? And why the hell should I have to spend tons of money and travel thousands of miles to do it, only to not have it recognized in my home state? Grrr!!!

I get what you're saying about the cost of everything too. Chris doesn't want a wedding at all, she wants to go to the courthouse, but I'd like to have something small; mostly for J. I mean, how often do kids get to see their parents get married? I think we should all get married however we want and then have one giant reception and split the cost.

[BeneathMyWillowTree]

Deb and Shel come you guys!!!! Do it like the Mexicans do it. For what we pay in Quinceneras, you guys could totally have a decent wedding plus reception. We go all out starting with a mariachi band in the church then end up partying later that day. We have what we call padrinos. Padrinos are the people that "sponsor" things one needs. Like one person will buy the cake, one will hire the live band and DJ, etc...

You guys could totally get away with doing this. Don't let anyone tell you they're poor and don't have money to help. I'm Mexican and it doesn't get any poorer then that. LOL. On the real we don't have money and yet we manage to make shit work some how. I can be one of your "padrinos." I mean that too. I'm single and have no kids so I am a part time hobo.